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Welcome to the 199 Fresh Guide - eight pages of handy info and tips to help g t you safely through the first sat UEA . few
Do's & Don'ts
Don't Say: I came to Norfolk to enjoy the lovely count,.Yside Do say : Bloody hell, whats that disgusting smell?
Luke Turner investig tes the hall phenomenon
Do say Isn't that TGony Blait as forward thinking chap for introducing tuition fees Haven't New Labour betrayed their left-wing principles I don't know about all that politics busdiness, wheres the bar? Don't worry Madge, I'll mop the floor after tonights oparty Do say I hope you have a lovely day tomorrow Madge Don't Say: gosh, I am looking forward to spending 40 hours a week on one of the Library's 80 new workstation Do say: Hey, lets try and link ·up the Library's new computers and play a huge game of Doom! Don't say: Where's the launderete,i need to wash my clothes Do say: wheres the clothes shop? I need some clean underwear Don't say Dont'.say who designed UEA's lovely architecture? Do say Who dropped that breezeblock next to that lovely lake? '
ne of the biggest wake-up calls for any new student at UEA is the realisation that they have to share their living space with as many as twelve new neighbours. Before we arrive at university most of us have lived with our parents for our entire lives and become used to their cooking, tidying , and general mollycoddling. But beware! University life is totally unlike this. Prepare for the ultimate baptism of fire - living with up to a dozen other delightful examples of the human species, all of whom are complete strangers to one another. During your first few weeks in halls everything will be quiet, no doubt, as everyone tries to find out which flatmates have a sense of humour. The classic prank is to completely swap the contents of two rooms - so that the owners will return to what they think is their own room and discover that it now exists three doors down the corridor. However, whilst this usually produces predictable but very funny results with most people, there are other characters it's best to leave well alone. For example, there are those who, through no fault of their own , are not best designed for living in communal halls of residence . A good example of this type of creature are the adventurous sleepwalkers, who can often be found at all times of the night in various bizarre parts of the corridor, engaged in even stranger acts - apparently one napping neighbour was discovered uri(lating upon the kitchen table before returning to his bed, still sound asleep in the land of nod. And if you don't have a weak bladdered flatmate you may, like 13 recent occupants of Waveney, be blessed with a large, immensely strong and slightly psychotic American . This particular chap was the type of person who became lethal when intoxicated - friends were thrown in the lake and glass objects were regularly lobbed around the kitchen, whilst his neighbours became used to their transatlantic pal flying through bedroom doors in a haze of splinters and pieces of lock. The trouble with moving into halls of
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residence is that even if everyone on your corridor seems totally straightheaded there's no way of telling what a little bit of booze can do. And whilst trying to melt sugar with an aerosol can and a lighter might seem like the best thing to do when you're bored at three in the morning, be warned. The ki tchen 's intense heat detectors are more efficient than you might expect and neither the porters, the other residents of your block, or the fire brigade will be terribly impressed when the resulting fire alarm means everyone has to abandon the warmth of their beds for the freezing cold outside. Especially when everyone knows they'll be woken up again in just a few hours time by their cleaner. At this point it is probably worth including a short warning about the cleaning staff. While they are all wonderful people, they do seem to have been trained to come into your room either postshower, when you 're completely naked, or postsomething else, when you're in a compromising position with an intimate friend . However, do not let your hearts be filled with fear and trepidation for life in halls is not all coexistence with crazy mentalists. A little bit of tolerance, some originality and a good sense of humour go a long way in ensuring that your time in halls can be the best year of your life. I'! fact during the first few weeks of term, halls have an almost festival-like atmosphere, with hordes of people wandering up and down corridors, popping through kitchen windows (on the ground floor anyway) and generally having a great time. So welcome to UEA, wherever you are. And don't be afraid - a cunning and vengeful sense of humour is a far better defence against potential pitfalls than a knife under the pillow. Luke Turner
------------------------------------------------~~ Here are a few student stereotypes to keep an eye out for ..
THE HIVE BUNNY
THE WEB FREAK
recognisable by the designer sunglasses perched on top of their
L- "..-n"'"'" and the host of accessories that make up the season's look, the Hive ~~"'...., B unny
sports, without fail, the ridiculously small rucksack, wedge platform trainers and a bottle of mineral water (although this could all change overnight in the pursuit of the latest fashion). Fortunately for this spending machine, Daddy (never Father or Dad) has a few quid and picks up all the S::::~<:rEldit card bills, as well as nrrl\llnllnn the young lady with some fancy wheels - the Japanese 4x4 seems to the chariot of choice - whilst paying all the bills for that luxury pad she inhabits. if you want to communicate with the Jpseuc!O·Imn:ce!lS you must remember that a whole ritual" and etiquette to be under gone - air cheek touching and the ending of every sentence with 'darling'. However, underneath the well groomed, calorie counted, fashionable exterior, all this poor little rich girl •M"" ,.,.,nts to do Is veg out in her dressing gown ...ol eating ice cream and watching Coronation Street.
MR PILLS, THRILLS, & SPILLS Painfully unaware that the baggy and
_...,-- ~~~"rt'""'"'''" movements of the early long since been to history's cultural dustbin, '---\=====::Jthis character continues to live the scally dream as he talks non-stop about the Stone Roses and his 'well-dodgy' mates back home. Oasis are still his favou rite band (although he'd never tell anyone that nowadays) and he tries to like Big Beat and Drum'n'Bass • although secretly he really can't understand what all the fuss is about. Generally Mr Pills, Thrills and Spills can be seen sporting an old fashioned Brazilian football shirt, painter and decorator • sorry • cargo trousers, a sunhat (which he actually brought in C&As from the latest granddad range), and silver identify bracelet for when he forgets his name. But despite this creature's insistence that his life is all pills, thrills and spills, the reality is somewhat tamer. He's always "well up" for an all night rave, although when he actually gets there he wishes he brought his ear plugs with him to block out the 'phat' beats. An exaggerated northern accent is a must at all times, even though Mr Pills has never ventured north of Watford. And despite the regular references to his pilled-up nights back home the reality is that the only pills he's ever managed to get hold of were some Smarties and an aspirin for the headache caused by his overly tight sunhat. ~----lll""'nfir•"'n
WAMPY This earth child can be seen out and about championing any number of heart rendering environmental causes, from the plight of the rabbits Infesting Waveney Mountain to the deforestation of the Amazon. But whilst UEA's Swampys should be commanded on most of their activities, they can, occasionally be more than a tad annoying. Some have been known to ~:::::::::::;:~ establish compost heaps in campus kitchens whilst others scower the cupboards and fridges of their residences for any potential threats to the o-zone layer with a fervour that has to be seen to be believed. And, whilst this could be seen as commendable it can cause more than a slight nuisance if it's your deoderant that is headed for nearest 'recycling bin'. Recognisable by their calculated lack of concern with their appearance, the Swampy clone is recognisable by their tent like clothing and over fondness of beads, as well as their refusal to wash their hair in the vain hope that it will start to clean itself naturally (it never actually does anything apart from set up its own grease and insect infested ecosystem). And as for under-arm odour prevention, there often just isn't time - Swampy must able to jump into the chokingly environmentally unfriendly VW Camper at a moment's notice so as to travel to Twytord Down, Manchester airport, or where fiVer the next eco·flash point is.
Whilst most normal students are happy to have just a brief look on the Internet at during their time at university, you will no doubt soon come across a few individuals who find Web-surfing so much fun that they spend their time doing little else. While their command of their HTMLs and Java Script may be impeccable, their social skills tend to be lacking. When they do come out from under the glow of their monitors their favourite way of socialising is to congregate in groups discussing the speed of their modems over half a pint of cider. Of course the Net is only the tip of the iceberg, the real "fun" comes with news groups, chat rooms and the dreaded role playing games that take place across the confines of cyber space. News and on-line chat groups are the height of social intercourse for the Web Freak, who can fulfil their social (and sexual) fantasies through virtual best friendships with people ~'--"- they're never going to meet (most of whom are actually greasy old men pretending to be 19 year-old Californian blondes). ~"""'::.--.-, Recognisable by his metre thick glasses, starched and ~::...."Loo' pressed jeans, and a very smart tucked in check shirt, anyone thinking about approaching the Web Freak for an interesting chat would probably do better a-mailing John Major. And although he's a veteran of many a virtual marriage, it is unlikely that the Web Freak has ever actually spoken a word to a girl. "
Luckily enough, a lot of being a student is about having fun. We give the lowdown on three student nights ·out you might like to try
students will leave UEA without having been to the LCA at least once, and the majority will have any number of gruesome tales to recount. Some say they love it; others regularly announce that they would rather have an unpleasant experience with a large pointy stick than set foot in the place. But whatever anybody says, every student at UEA has ended up there at one time, with plenty finding their way there many more times than this during their university career. The music may be predictable and the decor may leave a great deal to be desired, but it's 'amazing how easily a quiet drink at the Union bar can become a night of drunken revelry at the LCA, regardless of coursewortt deadlines or 9am lectures. There is something about this dartt, heaving meat marttet that calls out to the depths in your average student.
Stepping inside the LCA late on a Thursday night is quite an experience - before your eyes have had time to adjust to the dim light at least three or four inebriated revellers are guaranteed to have staggered past you on their way to the toilets and the Inevitable consequence of too many vodka shorts. lt should be said that The
LCA Disco is not a place to visit without heavy amounts of alcoholic beverage - Ifs usually better if you can't remember anyhing the next morning. Indeed, there are plen:y of adherents to the philosophy that the only way to experience the LCR is to get completely and utterly arseholed. Inevitably, most are
fairly sloshed by the time they arrive, and after taking advantage of the cheap prices you can guarantee a falr number of casualties before chucking out/up time. The LCA Disco has two pretty large areas, with the LCA itself playing chart and retro whilst the Hive caters for drum'n'bass, h~ hop and r'n'b during differerft weeks. However, newcomers should be warned about the LCR's retro sequences - they're usually particularly manic and it's wise tc watch out for flailing arms during YMCA.
Ifs a falrty safe bet that if you're going to the LCA then you're lool<ing to puH, and by God you're going to the right place. If you can't pull here, it's time to join a dating agency. The place is awash with a heady mix of students, all in hormonal overdrive, and the range of music means there's usually a good variety of people from which to pick out your victim. Chat up lines are not usually necessary, and it's so damn loud that you may as well not bother because the other person won't hear a word of it anyway. Once the bouncers finally manage to evict everyone from the LCR there is one more student ritual to be performed. Just outside the exit sits the hot dog/burger van, usually with a mass of people attempting to shove their way to the front. The LCR's effect on the great British queueing tradition is both decimating and total • it's now every student for themselves. With the fast food cravings satisfied, it is time for the trek back to the residences with whomever has been picked up. This is perhaps one of the strangest times at UEA, with drunken partygoers wreaking havoc with the silence of a peaceful campus. Blissfully unconcerned about the hangover hell that awaits in the morning, students across UEA gargle incoherently at their friends and contemplate: perhaps the LCA isn't so bad, after all...
f you don't feel like Chinese, pizza or fish and chips - if tact, if you fancy naan [groan] of the above and you've had enough of cooking for yourself; how about a curry? Norwich's curry price.war has been raging for years now - ensuring spicy fare has its own special place in the student's eatout hall of fame. Although there are Tandooris and Ballhis scattered all over the city, the best place to go is Magdalen Street • home to second-hand shops and curry houses galore. Each of these restaurants are known for their different types of food - Balthi is Bangladeshi, Tandooris are Indian, and Bombays are unsurprislngly from Bombay. So grab your mates, hop in a taxi and head to the street of breyanis and bhunas. Main courses will set you back £3-£4 but the essential naans and rice takes the bill to about £6 per head. However, with such cheap food there'll be plenty of money left for that compulsory curry accompaniment: beer. Check out Cobra - the authentic Indian lager. Sadly, and contrary to popular belief, beer is not the perfect thing to drink when you're mouth is
ow do you have a fantastic evening without moving more than 30 metres from where you lay your head? The answer is not to sleep in the doofway of the LCR, but to have a good old knees up in your halls of residence. And although the idea of a quiet night in can all too easily conjure up visions of forty-something couples playing bridge and drinking scotch whiskey, those with a little more student-like imagination Will find that there's plenty of scope for more exciting activities. You could start the drinking games and wave sobriety goodbye, dust down Twister and become better friends with your mates than you ever imagined or just get a ffNt cheap beers in and settle down for a good chinwag. Once you've decided upon the post-dinner plan it's time to get down to the real hard stuff - the cooking. If you're lUcky enough to have a budding Ainsley Harrlot in your midst then hand ouer lha pinny and let them slave over hoiSioVe whist you start enjoying yourself. ~. llli more of a case of 'can't cook, won't coak', a b8ltar idea to put an em&lf98lltt:)' c~~
on fire since it will only spread the heat around. Once you arrive it's wise to order some popadoms so you have something to chew on whilst you make up your mind about the main course. However, menu discussiOns can tend to deteriorate into a competition to See who can stomach the hottest vindaloo, although there are plenty of
medium and mild dishes to choose from as well. Veggie dishes are also here aplenty - you can have almost anything with vegetables instead of meat and they generally come cheaper as well. If you're after a starter, dhaaJ soup (a traditional recipe made from lentils and vegetables) is always a good bet. Ifs worth asking even if you can't if on the menu, as most places serve it.
So, with the culinary conundrum safely sorted it's time to crack open a bottle or three of booze and get those chins wagging. Ifs usually around this time that small talk can turn into heated debate about the things that really matter in life yes, the student dinner party is taking shape. Now these events are traditionally thought to be the forum for discussions about life, the universe and everything, but the reality is actually rather different - who's snogged who, the cartoons of the last fifteen years and how they get the squiggly bits inside I'Tl8lbles generally make up a far greater proportion of debates than anything
Don't forget rice and naans are extra; and don't bother with all the rice varieties, they all taste pretty much the same so you might as well plump for the cheapest. Once you've ordered, you can sit back and watch the waistcoated waiters scurry about the place, and soak up the subcontinental atmosphere. And, perhaps best of all, look out for the other diners. Watch the sweat pour from their brows, tears well in their eyes and the surreptitious gulping of drinks while they mannfully wade though their food - and they think that nobody can detect the transformation into a human steam engine... Before you know it, they'll be lighting your food warmer and bringing you lots and lots of popadoms. And if you're still hungry after the curry there's always pudding. Most Indian houses have their very own laminated ice-cream sundae menu, complete with cocktail umbrellas. If you're feeling more refined, or couldn't eat another thing then check out the coffees and liqueurs. Anally the warmed hand towels and mints arrive with the bill, so you can warm your fingers at the same time as burning a hole in your pocket. lt always helps the bill-sorting out if everybody sticks mints in their mouths - almost avoiding the
obligatory who owes what debate. Especially as the billl never adds up to the sum of the numbers, and the sum of the numbers bears no resembla~ to the food you ata. Now you can roll on into the city and enjoy the ~rwich pubs; wander round to the Odeon and catch a movie, or (if you can face jumping about), dance it all off at a club. Oh, and ona word of advice - don't mention the Empire!
WHERE TO GO Balthi Diner Norwich Tandoori Passage to India Nazma Bombay Restaurant 666874
the shoebox on the left that UEA's bosses insist on caiUng a bedroom. Ifs at this time. usually once the room is so pacbd as to make you start empathising with sardines, that the drinking games start. Arm yourself with a pack of cards. a few bottles of spirits and a bucket for emergencies -Ifs time to begin. A great game to play before everyone cornptet~ loses their Inhibitions is Jacks. The first person to get a jack as the cards are dealt decides what is to be drunk (preferably an evil concoction of the most potent alcohol available). The second person to get a jack decides the quantity, the third pours it and the fourth drinks it. If one person loses a couple of times in a row you'll see just how handy that bucket can be. A good wety of rating the elfac1lveness of this game Is to measure how many people ana sdl coheient after a couple of hours - If its worked well moet will have either collapeed, pasaed out or crawled off to bed.
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ers s the squeeze on student finances gets tighter and tighter, many high street banks are fighting to offer the best deals to freshers. Keen to grab customers early, you can now get your hands on the type of free gifts which would have put the banks of yesteryear to shame. Gone are the days of free record vouchers and piggie banks todays banks offer hightech goodies alongside plain old hard cash. On top of this you can now borrow up to £2000 interest free, as well as getting a loan and credit card. Check out the chart for more info.
York Tavern Junction of York St and Leicester St (620918
1 0°/o discount on food ith U A/NUS card GREAT VALUE F OD S LECTION Mon-Fri, Lun h: 11.30-2:30 Mon-Fri Dinn r: 6:00-10:00 (last orders) Sa urday and Sunday (ALL DAY) Plus· York Special Sunday Ro st ...... ~.,., ig 6' screen Satellite cover g all ~ajor sporting events Large beer gard FREE La e functi room with bar vailable f private bookings • Two pool tables RI OR DETAILS