Coming of Age: The Great Role Reversal by Annie Horn

contents Editor’s Note ………………………………………………………….….… 4 The Great Role Reversal: Becoming Mom & Dad …….. 5 It’s a Calling …………………………………………………………..…… 10 FIT For the Ages …………………………………………………..……. 15 11 Things to do With The Family This Summer …………. 17 Knowing When to Step in & Help ……………………………… 21 Small but Mighty Meals ……………………………………………… 24 A Place for Mom ………………………………………………………… 27 A Little Slice of Heaven …………………………………………….. 29

EDITOR

Jen Graziano

CONTRIBUTING WRITERS Debbie Nigro Vincent Graziano Linda Ziac Elizabeth Crafford Brian Robbins Sarah Jane Sandy Lance Galassi Salvatore M. Di Costanzo Brian Geary Jen Graziano

Estate & Elder Law Planning ……………………………………… 31 A Son’s Story ……………………………………………………………… 33

Published By:

How to Say Thank You ……………………………………………… 35 Safe Sun Habits ………………………………………………………… 38 Good Financial Habits Link to Happiness …………..….. 40

Copyright © 2018 All rights reserved. No part of this publication including but not limited to text and photographs may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher. For permission requests, write to the publisher, addressed.

THE FAMILY AND THE FACILITY THAT WESTCHESTER HAS TRUSTED FOR MORE THAN 30 YEARS WHEN IT COMES TIME TO FACE LIFE’S MOST DIFFICULT MOMENTS.

FAMILIES HAVE TRAVELED THE EXTRA MILE TO CALL UPON US, KNOWING FULL WELL WE WILL DO THE SAME FOR THEM.

Coxe

Graziano & FUNERAL HOME

767 E. Boston post rd. • Mamaroneck, ny 10543 914-698-5968 • info@coxeandgraziano.com Sponsored Content

3 3

From H the Editor

ow do you give back to someone who gave you the gift of life? How do you give back to someone who consistently placed your needs ahead of theirs from the moment of your birth? How can you give back to someone whom after all their giving and sacrifice, continues the same with your own children? The answer is simple; there’s no way to adequately repay the debt. For Vincent Jr. and me, our parents made the giving, the sacrifice and the caring seem so natural. If there was a struggle, we rarely saw it. And there lies the irony, a parent can take care of an entire family, multiple children, and yet multiple children struggle to take care of one parent. The ease and grace in which our parents cared for us seems so difficult to emulate. Many adults juggle caring for their aging parents along with caring for their own budding families and budding careers. Often, this is an impossible balancing act. To those who are nodding your head in agreement, our second issue of “Coming of Age” is for you.

We want to do our best for our parents as they age, handling them with tenderness and gratitude for the life they gave us. However, when the role reversal sets in and we as adults become the caregiver or the “parent” to them, there are identifiable struggles that must be discussed. Many people drape themselves in unnecessary guilt when it comes time to enlist specialized care and health services for their parents. It is okay to ask for help. Bringing in help in no way minimizes your love, care, and concern for your parents. We are all human and subject to limitations.

“With gratitude to the two people who made this all possible.”

In the pages that follow, we discuss the struggle and the ways we have found solutions to this timeless role reversal. In addition, we focus on other issues, including ways to have sensitive discussions that are often avoided, ways to keep your parents fit and nourished, and ways to have some fun in these beautiful summer months. Through the funeral home and radio show, I’ve heard many conversations rooted in regret for not having made a plan. No one likes to think of a worst-case scenario, a crisis, or even the end of life, however, none of us are invincible. The best way to navigate through rough waters is by charting a course, having a plan. Adults and aging parents need to engage in dialogues that will have temporary discomfort offset by permanent benefits. Personally, I’m grateful for the lifelong love and support I continue to receive from my parents. Watching them in their role as grandparents has only strengthened my admiration. As a mother, I question how they did so much for our family and how they made it look so easy. I’d like to believe I’ll repay the favor as they grow older, but I know there’s not enough in this world I could do to say, “thank you.” Wishing all the best always, Jen For more information on the services and resources provided by Coxe & Graziano, please visit: www.coxeandgraziano.com

The Great Role Reversal Becoming Mom & Dad Written by Debbie Nigro with an introduction by Jen Graziano

An introduction by Jen Graziano

ore and more we see young adults in their 30s, 40s, and 50s stepping into the role of caregiver for an aging or ill parent. And while the care is given with selfless love and concern, often times the ability for adult children to balance all of the responsibilities can become overwhelming. In addition to juggling their own families, careers, marriages, and more, adult children are faced with a myriad of heavily weighted issues for their parents that include: Long-term health, legal or funeral planning; Making decisions about whether driving should be permitted; Regulating medications; Ensuring they have adequate nutrition and hygiene; and Arranging doctorsâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; visits.

The role reversal is often an uncomfortable one â&#x20AC;&#x201C; internal family disputes over how to care for parents, heavy topics that are hard to communicate, and generational differences often overwhelm caregivers. The topic of becoming the caregiver and the conversations that surround them are not pleasant, but few people escape this life without dealing with at least one of the issues we mention above. Children coming into the role of caregiver is often just another part of life. In our second issue, are thrilled to have our cover feature and story from Debbie Nigro. Debbie, a syndicated talk-show host and renowned media personality, knows all too well the trials, challenges, and joys to be found from acting as caregiver to your parents. Here, she shares bouts of wisdom from her caregiving journey.

Article written by Debbie Nigro

’m honored be a part of this timely, thoughtful, and beautiful, new magazine. Though I feel delusionally young, I never imagined being a cover girl at this stage of my life. I panicked when I was asked to be on the cover of Coming of Age, because the last time I looked thin in a picture was in a bone scan. If ever there was a wise saying that described my ability to cope with all the tragedy and loss I’ve had in my life, it’s this one from playwright Rupert Holmes, “Life is tragedy and humor is how we deal with it.” I am last man standing in my immediate family. My father, John, passed at the age of 55 when I was 23, which started the grief ball rolling. My beautiful brother, Stephen, passed tragically at the age of 40, which was a complete family devastation. My “sexy till the end” mother, Eileen, passed quickly, gruesomely, and unexpectedly at the age of 76, and my brother, John, passed torturously at the age of 56. It hasn’t exactly been a trip to the beach being the “Family Eulogist” as often as I have, but I did my best in the worst of times to bring a smile to offset everyone’s grief. As a good and always guilt ridden Italian daughter, my job now is to visit the cemetery. Humor has been my coping mechanism for much unspeakable pain.

THE CAREGIVER TURNS PARENT At 23, I was unprepared when my father, John, passed away. ‘Big John’ was my biggest fan and best buddy. I worked in his office from age 9 to 19. I loved it! He spearheaded a family business that was as much about family as it was about business. It was a big family with as many road bumps as mountains of fun. When he died, the music died -not just for me, but for all who knew

and loved him. My father suffered terribly with severe complications of diabetes, which he got in his 30s. We always tried to help him stay on a diet in a family that lived to eat and have fun. We loved when he walked through the door at night – he was always so much fun and full of life. I don’t think there was enough medical knowledge at the time about managing diabetes. If we knew then what we know now, his life might have gone a lot different-ly. He was up and down over the years. When he was down, it killed me to leave him home in bed when he insisted we go do our thing. When he would rally he’d give it his all, at various times los-ing and re-gaining 100 pounds. It was heartbreak-ing. He never wanted to bother anybody. I would do anything for him: make him fresh lemonades, bring him whatever he needed in his bed when he was down and just hang out at the foot of the bed watching sports with him. Often, I’d just stand with my ear to his closed bedroom door and pray I could hear him breathing. When he passed, my stay-at-home mom was distraught. A widow at 48, I stayed close to help her through. Italian guilt always kept me from bigger job opportunities far away. Not moving away for family reasons became the running theme in my life. I was a self-employed, single, working mom raising a beautiful young daughter during a time where family tragedies seemed to be the constant in my life. As the oldest and only daughter, I was involved intimately in each of their painful stories. I stayed the entrepreneurial course versus the corporate route so that I could retain flexibility and be around to help during many trying times. As a result, my own life path has been filled mostly with on-and-off havoc - personally, emotionally, and financially. Humor, I can assure you, has been my best accessory. Honestly, over the course of the last decade, I had limited resources, was working my butt off, and was stretched to the limit most of the time trying

to help everyone else cope with what they were going through. All while trying to be a stand-up mom to my daughter, Alexis, and honor all of my business obligations. The sudden death of my beautiful younger brother was the final straw for my mother and the event that led me to become her ‘emotional’ caregiver almost full-time. Four years after my brother passed, my seeming-ly perfectly healthy, independent mom had to move after many years in the same location. This was VERY upsetting to her. Miraculously, an apartment right down the hall from me be-came available, and we signed a one year lease. She was so happy. Soon after however, she started complaining of back pain. Tragically, months later we became aware it was multiple myeloma. She died almost exactly at the end of the one -year lease. Didn’t see that coming. What are the chances I would find her an apartment down the hall from me, in a building where no apartments ever be-came available, to be able to run up and down the hall in between working from home to be able to care for her every day during her last year? Divine intervention for sure. As her condition deteriorated, my role as caregiver moved into the role of “parent.” It was time for me to write checks, review legal documents, talk about funeral planning. Finally, my mom agreed to discuss her finances with me – for years this was a battle. Previously, if I would even gently inquire as to where where she stood– she would say nicely that it was

none of my business. (Old school Italian thing). She was very stubborn and very private. She just did her thing and it looked like things were fine. Now I needed to write checks, find documents, etc. I was a nervous wreck. Thankfully, my mother was VERY organized. And my father, though he passed very young, somehow left her in good enough shape, with the help of some astute financial advisors, to get through until that moment in time.

TIPS FOR CAREGIVERS AND “PARENTS” This moment and role transferal from “caregiver” to “parent” brings me to some important realizations that might help readers in similar positions: My biggest regret: I wished I had been better prepared! I didn’t know about issues regarding having a health care proxy, which one of our family members would have power of attorney, and what tangible items were to passed down and to whom. A tip: choose your own health care proxy while you are well - someone who would be a trusted advocate for you when you’re down and ultimate-ly someone who might be willing to be present when you’re sick to watch over what’s going on. What to know if you are the one in charge: paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. From the moment a parent falls ill until after the burial, the amount 7

Quality time has a whole new meaning. Dad’s condition became more complicated and we couldn’t manage it at home. Friends said the skilled nursing care their parents received at The Osborn Pavilion made a huge difference in all their lives. Now Dad has a lovely private room, and we can both enjoy our time together — just like we did before. Your quality time needn’t go away. It just moves to a new address. To learn more, please call 1-877-844-6681, or visit TheOsbornPavilion.org.

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of paperwork is overwhelming and exhausting. Seek council from an attorney NOW so you are prepared for this eventuality. Last year I buried a second younger brother who did not have a family of his own. He was extremely challenging, as brothers go, for most of my life, but in spite of it all, I accepted the role of caregiver for the last two years of his life, and was grateful I did. He knew he was very sick and we did, through tears, have to discuss some things in case. I did my very best for him as well.

HOW TO PREPARE FOR YOUR ADULT CHILDREN In-between all the death and pain, I was diagnosed, treated, and survived Ovarian Cancer. (No small potatoes!) With a daughter in her 20s, the thought of her having to "caregive" crossed my mind maybe once. You see, I never allowed myself one second of thinking I wouldn’t make it. Thankfully, I’m still here with no plans of going anywhere! That aside, Alexis will know my wishes for when it’s my time. I don’t want to have her worry about everything the way I had to. And this is important - I do not want her to have guilt with what to do with all my STUFF. I found it to be a big problem figuring out what to do with my family’s belongings. It is a real problem for a lot of people who vacillate between sentimentality and reality. I actually still have some boxes of my family’s stuff because I didn’t know what to do with some of it! There now - you know! LOL. I’m throwing out my own useless stuff on a regular basis now to spare my daughter down the road. (I do hope she keeps my tambourine! Ha!)

o, make a plan for yourself, while you’re healthy, so your kids don’t have to worry about whether or not they have done the right thing by now when you’re gone.

I know that sharing my attitude and resiliency and sense of humor on a regular basis helps others get through difficult times, and so I continue to share it everyday in any way I can with anyone I can. I’m a dealer in hope and I know my inspiration is contagious. Maybe you’ll catch me on my show sometime and hear how I roll. I can always promise you a couple of laughs, in spite of it all.

Debbie Nigro is currently the Owner and Executive Producer of the Daily Talk Radio Program called “The Debbie Nigro Show” – The Elite To The Street… A Fun Ride! The show currently airs weekdays 1011am in the NY & CT areas on 1490 WGCH & WGCH.com anywhere and is syndicated nationally weekends, by the Genesis Communications Network. Podcasts of the show can be heard after on www. DebbieNigro.com as well as on demand on iTunes, Tune In, The Debbie Nigro Show Facebook Page, and more. The ‘topical’ (non-political) show has proven universal appeal. It’s a fun upbeat ride through the news of the day and features a range of guests from “The Elite to the Street.” It’s been said, “No one sees the Glass of Cabernet Half Full Quite Like Debbie.” (She admits to being “Delusional” and “Delusionally Young”) and, “No one conducts an interview quite like Debbie,” say most. Guests and sponsors alike are always lifted by being part of the show experience and many listeners say they ‘feel better’ after listening. The show is a combination of relevant information, education, entertainment, commiseration, and fun. Nigro has a penchant for ‘finding the light in the dark’ and a sweet spot for innovation, entrepreneurs and ‘fellow girlfriends in business,’ and she champions those going for ‘it’ whatever ‘it’ is. Nigro’s Signature Line? “Risk It or Regret It!”

ITâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;S A CALLING

Caring for Our Community & Our Families By Vincent Graziano 10

aving been asked to reflect upon my career and family comes at a prescient time. I was born into the funeral home business and having just turned 65, I’ve been doing a lot of self-reflection. Like many baby boomers, I don’t feel my age – that is until I buy something on the internet that requires my date of birth. It’s the long scroll down until I arrive at 1953 that is disheartening. It is then that my age becomes real for me.

I was born and raised on the lower east side of Manhattan, in the Little Italy section. A threeroom apartment in a five-story walk-up tenement was home. There was a kitchen and two bedrooms – one bedroom for my parents and a second for my three brothers and me. Bunk beds and two Castro Convertibles by night, sofas by day. I think it was Dangerfield who said the place was so small I had to go outside to change my mind, but truth be told, nothing was lacking. This, was home. On the street below was a small storefront funeral home, established by my grandfather and great uncles. Wakes were more often than not held in peoples' home and the funeral parlor was just be-ginning to be seen as an alternative venue. It was good news for my grandfather. Having a wake in someone’s apartment meant lugging all the equipment up two, three, four flights of stairs - a portable embalming table, chairs, casket, and bier. The deceased was prepared right there and laid out in the apartment. I think the term “wake” derived from this experience. Who could sleep?

Growing up in a funeral service family creates vivid memories. When the phone rang at two in the morning, it was never good news. I’d hear my mother crying as she received the news of a death. Ours was a small community, and inevitably, she knew the person who had died. The death was personal. My father would be at the kitchen table ready to take some preliminary information, and I knew we would all be called to duty over the next few days - perfecting the funeral home to make it comfortable and welcoming for the loved ones of the deceased and for the deceased. Making sure the chairs were evenly lined in rows, cups by the water cooler, polishing the silver, and arranging flower arrangements. I’d watch my father and older brothers help lift a body from a stretcher and place it tenderly in a casket. I’d watch as they attended to every detail of clothing, to insure there was not a wrinkle in the pants or sleeve. It would often take hours to arrive at a place that suited him. The deceased should look comfortable and natural. This was our way of helping the survivors who would be coming. To see their loved for the first time, appearing peaceful, we believed would be a first step in the process of consolation. I knew and sensed the pride and professionalism that went into this task. Little did I know; my work was just beginning. Wakes were two or three days a week, from late morning till ten at night. My mother cooked for the deceased families. They would come into our apartment in shifts to eat at our small table then return to the wake. Late at night, my mother would make a pot of espresso and my brothers and I would bring it downstairs it along with cups, sugar, and Anisette. The smell of espresso was equivalent to sounding bells, or dimming lights, to let people know it was time to say, good night.

“

“From the earliest age I was able to watch my mother and father go over and above to care for people. It was a calling, this was our community, our people and for us, it was personal.” My oldest brother followed immediately in our grandfather’s footsteps and became a licensed funeral director. I, however, was not so sure of my path. In my early years, I convinced myself that I was funny enough to be a stand-up comic. Truth be told, it would have been my first choice. I went for my funeral director’s license with the idea that I could work in the funeral home by day and do my stand-up routines at night. I did attempt it, but one thing stood in my way... I wasn’t funny.

Seamlessly, they began arranging flowers, vacuuming, emptying ashtrays. As they grew older their duties increased. They wrote obituaries, helped in the office, and even welcomed those in grief. I tried my best to steer them in a different direction. Why? Because I was afraid of the emotional burden facing mortality can have.

To paraphrase the 17th Century Poet John Dunne, no man is an island; everyman’s death diminishes me because I am involved in mankind. I knew what my parents and grandparents knewMaybe it was a reaction to being around so much sharing the burden of death with those we serve has a profound affect. It would be personal for sadness and grief. I don’t know. But, a series of them, for this is the community where we live, coincidences led me to purchase a funeral home in Mamaroneck in 1980. I often think there was a work, play, and worship. Being a funeral director plan for me. God knew what I was good at, and it means having to bury everyone you love. Helping a family celebrate a life-long lived, or those too wasn’t comedy. soon taken, will force them to face their own mortality - daily. They will understand the Westchester was a foreign land for a kid from tenuousness of life as few do: how fleeting and Mulberry Street. I was alone, knew no one, but knew how to do what my I learned growing up – therefore, how precious it is. They will live each day understand-ing how one phone call or one treating people and families with respect and dignity. I conducted the funeral in the only way I misstep can change everything. They never have knew - with attention to every detail. My parents to ask for whom the bell tolls. They know, and worked all hours, often seven days. I saw that and they would always know. understood that’s what it took. People depended My efforts to dissuade them were not to be. on them – they now depended on me. I understood there were no hours in this profession. Funeral service is part of their DNA, as it is mine. What I did ask them was to pursue a life Later, my young family came to understand that dinners could be canceled, vacations put off, and of their choosing first and to come back to the family business if they chose it. I helped persuade midnight phone calls would occur. In words Jennifer to attend law school – she excelled and from the Godfather; “this is the life we chose.” is a licensed attorney in Connecticut. I proudly In order to see more of me, my children would watched as my son, Vincent Jr., pursued a career come to the funeral home. in the Secret Service. While I wanted them to pursue their dreams and take a different course from my own, I welcomed them back with open arms when they re-entered the funeral business. 12

There is a great sense of care, dignity, and fulfillment in providing the service we do, in the way we do. When someone tells my daughter or son, “your father took care of my father, now I need you.” Those are special words for me, “took care of,” because that is what we do. A call from a family is a sacred obligation for us. To care for the dead, a Corporal Act of Mercy. Standing alongside a spouse or child as they say goodbye to their loved one for the last time is an incredible responsibility. A bond created at that moment endures from generation to generation. Death is personal for us, as it has been for generations. If not for my children, I would no doubt have sold my business. It is impossible to find people who have the same sense of commitment – to truly know what it takes to carry our services on. I could see that the reputation I am so proud of would eventually be tarnished if I sold and their decision to carry on the family business has renewed my faith in the true meaning of a family business The 4th generation is here, and I know as I take a step back, that our communities and our families are in good hands. So much so that we have expanded into Greenwich, where we have provided a beautiful facility on Hamilton Ave bearing the Coxe & Graziano name.

“

As I write this, my

grandchildren are

coming into the funeral

“

Jennifer and Vincent bring a fresh perspective and unique skill set to our business because of their education and career choices. They understood from first-hand experience what an impact we have, what a positive difference we can make. I cannot tell you the sense of pride that overtakes me when I see them directing a funeral in the same way their great-father did over 100 years ago. I imagine my parents are looking down with that same pride. Our profession is unique in that sense, the continuity from generation to generation brings with it the understanding of a family’s loss and a determination to make sure nothing is left undone in our efforts to help them not only mourn the loss, but celebrate the life lived.

home from school. Emma and Mia are 6 and Vincent is 4. They come to see me now, much like Jennifer and Vincent Jr. did before – with gentle reminders like “Papa, there are no paper cups by the water cooler.

Vi nc en t Gr a z ia no The Rossini brothers, Tommy, Jake, and Looney, are a product of the old neighborhood. Born in Manhattan’s Little Italy in a cold-water tenement and surrounded by mob influence, each sought to escape in his own way. But sometimes life and Ponzi schemes throw you a curveball, and you find yourself back where you began. Thirty years after breaking away from Mulberry Street, Tommy Rossini, fresh back from Arizona after being wiped out by Bernie Madoff, finds himself sharing his old room with Jake, newly returned from Miami and yet another failed business venture. Living with their aging mother and her caregiver while dodging the landlord and the local mob boss wasn’t exactly in the plan. And brother Looney, a nine-to-five worker happy with his dinner-at-six and bed-at-ten life in Staten Island, isn’t looking for any more family turmoil either! Still, all three, and matriarch Maddie, find themselves back together, in the center of a plot involving the death of the local monsignor, a hospital embezzlement scheme, a bloodthirsty Mafia don, and a parrot who might just know the way out of it all.

PRAISE FOR FAMILY JEWELS “Vincent Graziano’s return to Little Italy in 5he Family Jewels is another love letter to that wonderful neighborhood, laced with equal parts comedy, suspense,

With humor, love, intrigue, and a whole lot of brotherly repartee, this tale of sibling rivalry and sibling bond shows that home is where the heart is--and other body parts, too!

Available on Amazon

and family” ~ Kevin Egan, author of Midnight,

named “Best Book of 2013” by Kirkus Reviews

FIT F O R T H E AG E S

By Brian Robbins

xercise has been proven to increase our happy hormones, l i k e e n d o r p h i n s a n d s e r o t o n i n , stave off dementia, and keep our hearts healthy. While cardio is important to lose weight, it’s maintaining and building muscle mass that helps us to stay lean and fight the aging process. As we age, our muscle fibers start to degrade – making it harder get that defined, athletic look – and mutations in the mitochondrial DNA increase – depressing their ability to produce energy in our body. While a regular fitness routine that includes cardio and strength training is best, it’s never to late to get into shape. Here are a few of my favorite exercises for seasoned athletes or beginners – do it at home, at the beach, or at the gym.

THE SQUAT

Stand with your feet slightly wider than your hips, toes pointly slightly outward, keep your feet planted on the ground, break at the hip and push your butt back as if you were sitting in a chair. Return to standing position and repeat for 3 sets of 15.

THE PLANK

Get into a push-up position with your hands under your shoulders, keep your body in one straight line, with your abs tight, and your hips comfortable (but not pushed up). Hold the position for 30 seconds. Repeat as many times as feels comfortable. Keep your bending knee in line with the ankle, donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t touch the floor, and put your weight in your heels as you push back to the starting position.

THE LUNGE

Keep your upper body straight, with your shoulders back and relaxed. Engage your core and step forward with one leg, lowering until both knees are bent at about a 90-degree angle. Repeat for 3 sets of 15 on each side.

THE PUSH-UP

Start on your hands underneath your shoulders and arms extended. Keep your toes pointed and on the ground. Engage your core muscles and push through your arms and hands until your chest is close to, but not touching, the ground. Push through your hands, keeping your core tight, to return to a starting position. Repeat 10 times. Modification: There is nothing wrong with the modified push-up. Keep your knees on the ground if you need it.

THE SIDE PLANK

Come into a side plank position with your free arm and free leg extended away from the body. Work on raising your hips as high as possible and holding your core tight and steady. Hold the position for 30 seconds. Repeat as many times as feels comfortable. Brian Robbins is a Tier 3 Personal Trainer with Equinox in Darien and is currently developing a revolutionary way for everyday people on the go to stay healthy and fit. A fitness and nutrition expert, Brianâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s reputation for dynamic and innovative methods has made him the trainer of choice for athletes, active professionals and performance-driven individuals. Brian has dedicated over 10,000 hours to pushing men and women to their physical limits through difficult and varied workouts. An All American, a triathlon competitor, and a sponsored athlete for the Greater Boston Track Club, Brian has devoted his life and career to creating diverse routines that shape the body by incorporating cardio, whole body conditioning and stretching. Please contact Brian to set-up personal training at: brian@thebrianrobbins.com For more information visit: www.thebrianrobbins.com The information in this article is provided as an information resource only, and is not to be used or relied on for any diagnostic or treatment purposes. Please consult your health care provider for an appointment, before starting any vigorous fitness routines.

Take in The

Season

11 Things to Do with the Family this Summer By Elizabeth Crafford

Photo Credit: Brooklyn Botanical Garden

PLAYLAND

Just a short drive or train ride from NYC or the CT suburbs, Playland, known as “America’s Premier Playground”, is a hit for all ages. Located along the beautiful Westchester coastline, enjoy dozens of amusement rides, see circus acts, dance under the stars, and get lost in the music. 1 Playland Pkwy • Rye, NY 10580 • 914-813-7010 http://playlandpark.org

WESTCHESTER CHIDREN’S MUSEUM

It’s for the kids! Located in Rye, NY, the Westchester Children’s Museum is a vibrant, colorful, interactive learning space with hands-on exhibit experiences in physics, science, art, technology, and design. Through various programs and exhibits, the Westchester Children’s Museum nurtures curiosity, builds confidence, and ignites imagination in children.

It’s like you’re in paradise! Located next to the breathtaking Long Island Sound shoreline, New Byram Town Pool is set to open June 1. Modernized and updated, the pool complex will include a main pool, kiddie pool, a splash pad, changing areas, restrooms, a concession stand, and a picnic area. 4 Ritch Avenue West Greenwich, CT 06830

One of the top family attractions in Connecticut, the Beardsley Zoo is home to more than 300 North and South American species including some of the world’s most endangered and threatened animals. Grab a bite at the Peacock Café, enjoy an outdoor lunch in the Picnic Grove and take a ride on the carousel. The zoo can’t wait to see you! 1875 Noble Avenue Bridgeport, CT 06610 203-394-6572 http://www.beardsleyzoo.org

100 Playland Pkwy Rye, NY 10580 (914) 421-5050 http://discoverwcm.org

NEW BYRAM TOWN POOL

BEARDSLEY ZOO

DISCOVERY MUSEUM

Looking for some hands-on fun? Visit the Discovery Museum where visitors are encouraged to be curious! Through extensive STEM programming and experiences, guests can discover, ask questions, solve problems, and engineer solutions through exploration. Enjoy educational programs, shows in the Henry B. DuPont III Planetarium, simulated space missions in the Challenger Center, presentations animated on Science on a Sphere, and a multitude of other permanent and traveling exhibits. 4450 Park Avenue Bridgeport, CT 06604 203-372-3521 http://discoverymuseum.org

WHITE PLAINS PERFORMING ARTS CENTER

Lights, camera, action! The White Plains Performing Arts Center is the region’s premier youth theater training organization. WPPAC Conservatory Theater empowers young performers to unleash their imaginations and express themselves with the supportive and knowledgeable guidance of seasoned professionals. This summer, enroll your child in the revamped Summer Theater Academy where students will spend their days learning about acting, singing, dancing, and rehearsing a production. At the end of every one or two week session, students will perform in front of family and friends and the general public. 11 City Place • 3rd Floor • White Plains, NY 10601 • 914-328-1600 • https://www.wppac.com

COMPO BEACH

A 29-acre park with a beautiful sand beach bordering the Saugatuck River, Compo Beach is sure to make paradise feel much closer! Equipped with a boardwalk, pavilion, concession stand, two sand volleyball courts, large wooden playground, bathroom facilities, and lockers, Compo Beach has all the amenities to make your day at the beach visit stress-free. In addition, lifeguard services are provided from Memorial Day through Labor Day 10 a.m-6 p.m. A daily fee is charged to park from May 1 through September 30 from 4 a.m. to 10 p.m; motor vehicles and motorcycles may enter the beach with a valid Parks and Recreation vehicle parking emblem or by paying the daily fee. Located conveniently close to downtown Westport, end your day with a delicious meal at Tavern on Main, Pearl at Longshore, Black Duck Café, or Rive Bistro. Because life should be a beach! 60 Compo Beach Road Westport, CT 06880 203-341-5090 http://www.westportct.gov

NY BOTANICAL GARDENS EVERETT CHILDREN’S ADVENTURE GARDEN

The colored streamers at the front gate of Everett Children’s Adventure Garden welcome visitors of all ages to this playful space. Here, children of all ages are encouraged to explore the wonders of science and nature through hands-on science activities and experiments. Climb the boulders and view the landscape below from your high perch, dash through Beth’s Maze, then invent your own plant in Plant Part Paradise. New, exciting exhibitions enhance the experience in the Adventure Garden throughout every season. Discover all of the outdoor nature exploration programs for families by visiting today! 2900 Southern Boulevard Bronx, NY 10458 718-817-8700 https://www.nybg.org

SAXON WOODS MINI GOLF COURSE

Looking for an afternoon outing on the course thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s family friendly and affordable? Visit Saxon Woods Mini Golf Course where fun can be had for the whole family! Admission is $8 per person. Looking for a venue to host your next party or fundraiser? Saxon Woods is available for group outings and birthday parties and can be rented out for special occasions. Call for further details.

1800 Mamaroneck Avenue White Plains, NY 10604 914-005-2618 https://www.saxonwoodsminigolf.com

Beat the heat, escape the concrete jungle this summer, and enjoy a full day cruise aboard the luxury yacht Manhattan up the Hudson River to Bear Mountain State Park. Breathe the fresh air of the Hudson Valley and spend quality time with a group of friends or a loved one while taking in the beauty of nature. Once you arrive spend your 3 hours exploring by choosing to hike, canoe, or visit the zoo. Chelsea Piers, Pier 62 (West 22nd Street) New York, NY 10011 212-627-1825 https://sail-nyc.com/ bear-mountain-cruise

CHELSEA PIERS STAMFORD Located in Stamford, CT, one of the finest sports and recreational facilities in the country, Chelsea Piers offers state-of-the-art equipment, instructional programs, camps, sports leagues, competitive teams, fitness, and drop-in fun for children and adults. Take an exercise class, splash in the indoor water park, or challenge friends to a pick-up game of ball, this action-packed facility is sure to bring fun to everyone. 1 Blachley Road Stamford, CT 06902 203-989-1000 https://chelseapiersct.com/

CLASSIC HARBOR LINE

Knowing When To Step in & Help We all value our independence and the right to make our own decisions By Linda Ziac

Shared Thoughts and Fears: Being put in a nursing home. Running out of money. Knowing I need help, but not being sure what to do. Talking about having to move and giving up my home and all my memories. Being a burden to my family.

My partner has been diagnosed with Parkinson’s Disease and is seeing multiple doctors.

I’m not sure that my mother is still safe to be living alone in her house. My dad needs an advocate to help him while he’s in the hospital.

We are all getting older, and with aging comes challenges. All too often, a senior or person with special needs wants to retain their independence, and doesn’t want to become a burden on their loved ones. In order to maintain their independence, this person may attempt to hide the fact that they are struggling, and are in need of assistance. One way that you may learn of a problem, is when you receive a phone call in the middle of the night. When you answer the phone you hear “Your mother is in the emergency room, she’s fallen and broken her hip.” As the closest living relative you receive the call, and within minutes you are being faced new responsibilities as your mother’s caregiver. Not all problems occur as a crisis, but instead evolve in a gradual series of warning signs spanning weeks, months, or years. You may notice that senior or person with special needs is having difficulty cleaning the house, cooking meals, paying bills, or that you are finding yourself speaking louder so that you can be understood. A recurrent theme expressed, is the fear of broaching the subject of whether or not, a person is capable of caring for themselves. In addition, once it is clear that the person is in need of assistance, there is often confusion as to what is the best way to proceed. This is a delicate balancing act, ensuring the person’s health and safety, while maintaining their independence and dignity. One of the most difficult things for a family member or loved one is deciding when and how to step in to help. Since most people greatly value their independence, seniors and

people with special needs may resent relatives and loved ones stepping in to help them - even when they have the best of intentions. And often it’s unclear exactly when is the right time to step in, since the decline in a person’s abilities can be gradual and almost imperceptible.

Communication is Key It’s only natural that when we become scared or concerned about a senior or person with special needs, our first impulse is to express our concerns, and immediately look to “fix” the problem. Unfortunately this can often make the situation worse. Unless you are faced with an emergency that threatens the person’s safety or well-being, it’s wise to take some time to gather information and properly assess the situation, prior to taking any action. As I shared earlier, you are now faced with a delicate balancing act, ensuring a person’s health and safety, while maintaining their independence and dignity. Effective communication is key to ensuring that the person and their loved ones can talk openly about their feelings, needs, and desires moving forward. Once the senior or person with special needs has shared what they would like to see happen, and you have gathered information about available resources, you can now work together on creating a realistic plan of action. It is crucial to allow the person a sense of influence and control regarding decisions affecting their future.

If the history of your relationship with this person, has been a difficult one, you may want to seek assistance from a professional (e.g. certified case manager, doctor, or therapist) in order to map out a strategy for moving forward. Keep in mind that in order for there to be success moving forward, you will need cooperation by and from the the senior or person with special needs; as well as other family members, significant others, and healthcare providers

Remember That Help is Only One Phone Call Away

Plan Ahead

Lindaâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s professional career spans more than 40 years in the health and mental health field as a CT Licensed Professional Counselor, CT Licensed Alcohol and Drug Counselor, Board Certified Employee Assistance Professional, Board Certified Case Manager, and Board Certified Dementia Practitioner. In addition, Ms. Ziac has 15 years of experience coordinating care for her own parents.

When dealing with a personâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s current and evolving needs, taking a pro-active approach to planning is very important. Now is the time to begin planning for the future. The sooner you begin a dialogue with the senior or person with special needs about their future, the more time you will have to listen to their wants and needs, as well as to take concrete steps to complete legal documents (e.g. medical directives), and research viable resources (e.g. home health agencies, assisted living facilities.)

Linda Ziac is the owner and founder of The Caregiver Resource Center. The Caregiver Resource Center is a division of Employee Assistance Professionals, Inc. which Linda founded in October 1990. The Caregiver Resource Center provides a spectrum of concierge case management and advocacy services for seniors, people with special needs and families.

Linda assists seniors, people with special needs and their families; in planning for and implementing ways to allow for the greatest degree of health, safety, independence, and quality of life. Linda meets with individuals and family members to assess their needs, and develop a Care Team, while working with members of the Team to formulate a comprehensive Care Plan (a road map). www.caregiverresource.com

The information in this article is provided as an information resource only, and is not to be used or relied on for any diagnostic or treatment purposes. This information is not intended to be patient education, does not create any patient provider relationship, and should not be used as a substitute for professional diagnosis and treatment.

small but mighty meals By Sarah Jane Sandy

f you’re used to cooking for a larger family, scaling back to small meals for one or two can be a tough transition to make. Many people resort to eating the same meals over and over, eating out too often, or eating prepackaged meals. But it is possible to enjoy a wide variety of tasty and healthy meals throughout the week, and still only have to cook once or twice per week! First, concentrate on eating seasonally. This is a great time of year to check out your local farmers’ markets and take advantage of all the bounty your area offers. Make a weekly trip to buy fresh vegetables, fruit, and pasture-raised meats. When you get home, chop up vegetables and fruits and store them in glass containers so they’re ready to toss on a salad, lightly steam/saute, or simply snack on, with no prep required.

Also weekly, spend one day cooking one or two large meals and then freeze individual portions so you can easily prepare a homemade meal throughout the week (you can also use this method to have healthy, delicious food available at a moment’s notice for unexpected guests). You should ideally store meals in glass, but if you use freezer bags, remember that food must NOT be hot when you put it in the bags—heat will cause toxins from the plastic to leach into your food. Also, don’t use the microwave for reheating—use the stove top, oven, or a steamer basket. When it comes to the meals themselves, keep it simple. Think real, whole, fresh food that you cook yourself. Pick a rainbow of colors of organic vegetables and eat heaps of them (don’t forget your fermented veggies!). Choose healthy fats that feed your brain, hormones, cardiovascular system and keep you feeling satiated, like pastured egg yolks, low-mercury wild caught fish and seafood, coconut oil, grass-fed butter and ghee, avocados, and extra virgin olive oil. Eat plenty of organic, pasture-raised, grass-fed animal protein. Savor local, organic, brightly colored fresh fruit. Enjoy raw nuts and seeds, a variety of spices, and high-fiber, unrefined, unprocessed carbohydrates like sweet potatoes, yams, squash and lentils. What you’re unable to get nutrient-wise through food can be offset by including daily high-quality supplements. My go-to supplements to support overall well-being include:

Complete Multi (3 capsules, twice daily with meals): this full-spectrum multivitamin contains everything your body needs in a chelated form for maximum absorption and bioavailability. Omegatropic (2 softgels per day): DHA and EPA are functional fatty acids that protect the brain against oxidative damage, while supporting memory and cognitive function.

All supplements & more information at www.sarahjanesandy.com Brain Vitale (2 capsules per day): contains brain-supportive nutrients that optimize brain function while supporting healthy cognition, mood, and memory. Vitamin D (5 drops under your tongue per day with a meal): Vitamin D is critical for all aspects of optimal health. It supports the functioning of your immune system, your brain, your cardiovascular system, hormones and so much more.

Sarah Jane Sandy is a Functional Nutritionist and Women’s Health Expert. She works with clients remotely all over the world through 1:1 consultations, and highly innovative online programs. Sarah runs a busy private nutrition practice and is passionate about using food as therapy; to heal, to transform, to change, and to nourish. She emphasizes the importance of eating whole, real, pastured, wild caught, traditional, nutrient-dense, properly prepared foods, and believes these are the keys to unlocking one’s most vibrant self. In her clinical experience, she has witnessed the dramatic benefits of implementing simple dietary and lifestyle changes time and time again: stable blood sugar, weight loss, reduced inflammation, fertility enhancement, improved blood lipids, balanced energy levels, improved sleep patterns, reduced allergies, more efficient workouts, and much more. Please contact Sarah for more information at sarah@sarahjanesandy.com

FINDING SENIOR HOUSING & HOME CARE CAN BE COMPLEX,

but it doesn’t have to be

Call A Place for Mom. Our Advisors are trusted, local experts who can help you understand your options. Since 2000, we’ve helped over one million families find senior living solutions that

A FREE SERVICE FOR FAMILIES. 26

Finding the Perfect Home By Lance Galassi

1. What about Dads? Can you help them as well?

5. How long has APFM been in business?

Yes don’t let the name fool you. We help just as many Men.

A Place For Mom has been in business for over 16 years and helps almost 300k families a year!

2. What exactly can a Place for Mom help with?

6. How did Joan Lunden get involved with APFM?

There is not a ton of education out there for families that have an emergency. Many adult children are lost when all of a sudden their healthy aging parent has a fall or stroke. They go to the hospital and a social worker tells you mom or dad cannot be alone. They then have to google or call home cares or assisted livings and it can be very overwhelming. We help lesson that load by giving families information and pricing so they can make an informed decision on what is best.

Many people know us through Joan Lunden. Joan became our spokesperson after she was so impressed on how we helped her in the search for assisted living for her own mother. So it’s not a made up marketing story.

3. Do you just help people find assisted living? No we can help find Independent living, Assisted Living, Memory Care, non-skilled home care and ever short term respite stays.

4. Are you located in CT only? Can you help in other states? We are a national company we can help anywhere in the U.S or Canada. Many families are spread out through the U.S. You may need info in Texas and CT we can help in any state.

7. Is a Place for Mom really a free service? Yes we are 100% FREE. We get paid just like Hotels.com or Trivago would make money. We are partnered with almost every Assisted Living and many Home cares across the country. When we make a referral to a business they pay us a small referral fee. They are happy to pay us because we are helping them grow their busi-ness. It doesn’t cost the customer a penny.

8. What is the best number to reach you at if our family needs help? The best way to reach us is by calling our local Healthcare Account Executive Lance Galassi, who can be reached at 203-914-6625.

9. When should family start the research? Many families wait until the emergency happens I would recommend doing early research that way you are prepared god forbid an emergency does strike. Nobody tells you when you are going to take a fall or have a stroke so why not be prepared? It’s much better than doing research from a hospital bed.

10. What’s the difference between Home Care and Assisted Living? What are the pro’s and con’s and price diff erence? There are defiantly pros and cons to both. Both can be expensive but the avg Home Care aid is $200+ a day for a live in. That equals to over $6k a month. Now that you are home you are still paying for rent, lawn work, plowing, electricity, food, gas etc… You may live in an Assisted Living and pay less than that with no other bills. You are also getting the socialization from being around more people your age, mak-ing friends and having fun. But many people want to stay home and don’t need that. It all depends on the person.

11. Memory Care or Nursing Home? What is better for someone with Alzheimers? It really depends on what you can afford. Mem-ory care communities are much nicer than a nursing home. Better food, nicer living areas, more activities and less expensive if you are private paying. When someone doesn’t have the money to afford Memory Care then the only option is going to a nursing home. A.L/ Memory Care is like a cruise ship without the water!

12. Everything is so expensive…. is there anything that can help pay for a loved one’s services? The two major items I see helping families is VA Aid and Attendance which can be used by a veteran or a surviving spouse of a veteran and Long Term Care Insurance.

A Little Slice of Heaven By Jen Graziano

As a devout Roman Catholic, I adhere to the belief that Heaven exists. It is as a funeral director, where I find my struggle. For although I take immense comfort in the thought that we will all meet again and the loving bonds we form on this Earth are not for naught, I wrestle with that which I cannot see, touch, or witness first hand. I picked up, “Proof of Heaven, A Neurosurgeon’s Journey into the Afterlife”, not on a whim. The title caught me as I assumed the scientific, literal minded neurosurgeon would likely question the existence of Heaven far more than I. If he had a story to tell, it must have been real…so I thought. Spoiler alert…I was correct. “Proof of Heaven” chronicles the near-death experience “NDE” of Dr. Eben Alexander, an acclaimed Neurosurgeon from Virginia. After years of treating patients with paralyzing and grim prognosis’ he found himself an ill-fated patient. Dr. Alexander was the subject of a medical mystery, a victim of a rare, if not unheard of medical condition. For days he lay in a coma, the parts of his brain controlling thoughts and emotion, completely void of life. And while his family kept to his beside keeping vigil while doctors offered no hope, no promise, Dr. Alexander had his eyes wide opened to a new realm. He chronicles his journey to Heaven with such vivid specificity, it is as if the reader is brought to an Afterlife, themselves. The juxtaposition of Dr. Alexander’s work as a technical, literal, arguably myopic medical professional, finding himself on the verge of death and

experiencing a world beyond, is what captivates the reader. The author had no reason to believe in a life after, yet he candidly offers vivid physical descriptions of the place to where he traveled while his body lay lifeless in a coma. But more than the physical account, he offers something even greater to the reader, the message that the life after this one is purely LOVE. There is no right, no wrong, no questions, only abundant love from the Creator, Himself. There is universal acceptance and the overarching comfort that none of us, in fact, are alone. Dr. Alexander shares his journey in the hopes of spreading this message. The details of his personal journey were recorded independently of his research on Near Death Experiences and accounts of the Afterlife. His tale is both raw and real. For a skeptic who desperately wants to become a believer, this book helped me bridge the gap. Dr. Alexander humbly shares a personal experience, fully recognizing he would likely be dismissed by many. But the message of Heaven was far too great for him to keep to himself. “Proof of Heaven” is both inspiring and uplifting. For those who are looking for a reason to believe, here it is, and for those who have doubt, perhaps your appreciation will be even greater.

FOR OVER 20 YEARS, ONE FUNERAL HOME HAS STOOD ALONE. ONE FUNERAL HOME HAS EXISTED SOLELY FOR THE JEWISH COMMUNITY. NO CONGLOMERATE AFFILIATIONS, NO SHARED FACILITIES, JUST A COMMITMENT TO SERVE IN A WAY NO OTHER FUNERAL HOME CAN. OUR FIRM REPRESENTS A TEAM OF KNOWLEDGEABLE PROFESSIONALS WHO PROVIDE PERSONAL SERVICE AT LOWER COSTS.

ZION MEMORIAL CHAPEL 785 E. Boston Post Road 914-381-1809 30

Mamaroneck, NY 10543 info@coxeandgraziano.com

4 Estate and Elder Law Planning Topics That Should Not Be Neglected By Salvatore M. Di Costanzo

e have all heard the saying “life is full of regrets”. I have compiled a list of the most common regrets that I often hear from clients, but more often, their family members, during my practicing as an elder law and special needs planning attorney. If you have neglected any of these topics, my hope is that you will take proper measures before it is too late. 1. Failing to prepare a proper power of attorney and statutory gifts rider. I frequently explain to my clients that one of the most important documents I can prepare is a power of attorney (“POA”) and statutory gifts rider (“SGR”). Failing to have these documents, necessitates a guardianship proceeding, which is costly and burdensome on family members.

A good illustration of the impact of not having a POA and SGR usually involves a spouse who is incapacitated and requires care. Usually, we are planning to apply for Medicaid to cover the cost of such care and that planning might involve the transfer of assets from the ill spouse to the well spouse. If no POA and SGR exist, we must commence a guardianship proceeding to effectuate the planning. This results in the family having to privately pay not only for legal fees associated with the guardianship proceeding, but for the cost of care until the guardianship is completed. 2. Ignoring the five-year look-back period. The five-year look-back period is the five-year period preceding the date you enter a nursing home. If you transferred assets during this period, you will be ineligible for Medicaid for a

certain period based on the value of the assets transferred. The five-year look-back period must be contemplated where clients intend to be proactive in preserving their assets. The optimal planning technique is to create a Medicaid Trust, usually for a house, and in some cases other assets. If you create a Medicaid Trust and transfer your assets to the trust, the assets transferred to the trust cannot be counted as available assets for Medicaid planning purposes after five years from the date of the transfer. If you don’t have long-term care insurance, it is borderline foolish not to consider this planning technique. Clearly, if you wait too long, the five-year look-back period becomes an issue as you age.

When this happens, family members who may not be as experienced, struggle because they now have to form new relationships. I advise clients to form these relationships early in the lives so their family members have someone to turn to.

3. Excluding family members or other loved ones from financial and estate planning matters. Finances can be complicated at any time of life, but an illness or cognitive impairment can cause financial matters to become overwhelming or even unmanageable. Discussing one’s finances is commonly considered taboo, even within a family. Keeping one’s financial information close to the vest, however, can have unforeseen consequences. Often it falls on family or loved ones to piece together the financial picture like a jigsaw puzzle, but without an image to follow. A missing piece can have dire implications. Being unaware of certain income and assets could, for example, delay eligibility for a spouse’s or parent’s Medicaid benefits or result in the denial of an application or affect distribution of a loved one’s Estate pursuant to their final wishes. 4. Creating a team of professional advisors and counselors. ‘Professional advisors and counselors exist in many areas in part because it is nearly impossible to know everything about everything. One issue we often see are clients who are proficient at preparing their own income tax returns, but don’t account for changed circumstances, for instance, their incapacity.

Salvatore M. Di Costanzo is a partner with the firm of Maker, Fragale & Di Costanzo, LLP located in Rye, New York, and Yorktown Heights, New York. Mr. Di Costanzo is an attorney and accountant whose main area of practice is elder law and special needs planning. He is a member of the National Academy of Elder Law Attorneys and a frequent author and lecturer on current elder law and special needs topics. Since 2013, Mr. Di Costanzo has been selected each year by the rating service, Super Lawyers as a New York Metro leading elder law attorney. He can be reached at (914) 925-1010 or via e-mail at smd@mfd-law.com. For more information, visit: www.plantodayfortomorrow.com

A Son’s Story By Brian Geary

“I’m your mother, so don’t treat me like I’m some kind of child.”

he words were spoken in a stern but familiar tone and they caught me off guard. She was right, she was my mother. I stopped mid-sentence and focused on the road ahead of us. Trees covered by invasive vines whipped by us on the side of the parkway as we sat in silence for the rest of the drive to my mother’s appointment. This was in the early days of my mother’s descent into Alzheimer’s. We were on our way to a diagnostic test for mild cognitive impairment. My sister arranged for the test in the hope that it would help explain the change in my mother’s behavior. Something was wrong with my mom. Her husband knew it, her five adult children knew it, and looking back, I am almost certain my mom knew it too. In spite of knowing deep within my gut that something was wrong, my mother’s coping mechanisms allowed me to delude myself into thinking

that there might only be a slight issue. Her ability to dominate a conversation gave her license to graze over things like a forgotten name or the location of a missing item. I was guarded and hopeful that the test would go well. Perhaps the doctor administering the test might even offer advice on how to prevent or even reverse the change in my mom’s behavior. But as in the case of a functional alcoholic who wraps his car around a tree at 11:30 on a Tuesday morning, inevitably the notion that everything is alright can come crashing apart in a single day. It makes perfect sense now why she snapped at me on that drive. I was just trying to explain the purpose of the tests. But while she was having trouble remembering routine matters, she still had the wherewithal to know where we were going and why. And more terrifying than that, she most likely knew the implications of not being able to pass the diagnostic test. The truth would

be out and word would spread from limb to limb along the family tree. “There’s definitely something wrong with mom, and it’s not good.” So, it’s no surprise that she did not want to spend that drive listening to me drone on about the importance of diagnostic tests and how they are great tools for dr’s to use in treating their patients. I was trying to help. Information is supposed to be good. But it’s clear now that it was just too much. I was not someone who had randomly picked her up and was now driving her to an appointment. I was her son. The same son she had walked to the bus stop on his first day of kindergarten, watched as he climbed the stairs onto the bus and then gone home and cried at the kitchen table. I accompanied my mom into the dr.’s office and sat with her as she fumbled through the evaluation. She managed early questions like identifying the picture of a Christmas tree, but could not manage ones that required multi-step thinking. One question in particular dealt with the addition and subtraction of time. She pushed the test papers away, insulted the doctor, and just stared at me. I gave her soft encouragement to stay the course but did not object when she refused to continue and walked out the office. Though my chest tightened and my mind overflowed as I tried to make sense of what had just happened, no words of substance were exchanged on the drive back to her home. I walked my mom inside, said hello to her beloved dog Jasper, and gave an excuse I cannot recall to cover my quick exit. Ear bud in place and my car gliding down the road, it was not long before I was on the phone with my sister filling her in on the details of the visit. While the outcome of the day’s events did not come as a complete shock, the reality of the situation did. My sister and I patched together a plan of what to do next and I spent the remainder of the drive home wrestling with the stark fact that my mom was going to need help, and lots of it. Fortunately, the challenge of seeing to my mother did not rest solely on me. I was just one member of a team filled with amazing people who stood by mom for the next several years. This was the first of many episodes that would play out as my mother’s mental and physical health declined. And while no two episodes were exactly alike, they often followed a similar arc. It often began with hope, moved to grim reality and then from there on to reflection and finally a discussion of what to

do next. As depressing as this may sound, and many times it was, this arc provided a sense of moving forward. And while there was no roadmap, there was little doubt that we were in fact on a road and decisions had to be made and actions taken. And just as important-ly, a flexibility of mind and a generosity of heart were critical in allowing us to navigate the most diffi cult turns and obstacles along that road. __ Brian Geary is a firefighter in Westchester County, where he also resides with his wife and 3 daughters.

Show Up, Shut Up & Pay Up

As the father of three small girls I often hear a lot from other parents about their experiences raising children. And while caring for a parent is certainly not the same as raising a child, I am reminded of what my what my friend’s wife would tell her husband when it came to their three daughters. “Show up, shut up and pay up.”

Show Up

This is not only important for the person receiving care, but also for their primary caregivers. And if you can’t be there physically, then phone calls are the next best thing.

Shut Up

Sounds harsh, and of course, if something is wrong and/or dangerous you have a duty to act. But oftentimes it’s better to just listen and observe. This is especially important if you are not a primary caregiver. Nobody wants to feel like they are being second-guessed.

Pay Up

If you are fortunate enough to be able to make things easier on the patient or caregiver, then do so. You can start small. Minor modifications to things like a bathroom can have a significant impact on the well-being of the patient.

Follow Up

I’ve added this one. Whether it’s a day-planner or post-its, find a system that works for you. And perhaps even more importantly, if you say you are going to do something then do it.

How to Say

Thank You By Jen Graziano

ollowing the loss of a loved one, there are countless expressions of sympathy demonstrated towards us. While we are grateful for each and every one of them and the sentiments brought forth, often the strains of grief make it difficult to pick up our pens and begin the task of saying “thank you”. There is guidance available to help you through this process. The first question often asked of me is, “who do I send a thank you note to?” In answering this I’m always mindful of the emotional strain and utter fatigue a family faces following a wake and funeral. While it is important to

recognize acts of kindness, it is equally important not to overwhelm a person who is grieving. My personal advice is that you thanked people who attended a wake or a funeral in person so written notes should be sent to those who did something over and above that. For example, those who sent flowers, food, memorial contributions to a charity, are examples of thank you note recipients. Anyone who demonstrated an overt act of kindness and compassion towards you is worthy of a written acknowledgement of thanks. On the next page is an excerpt taken from an article entitled, “Sending Thank You Notes After a Funeral” (funeralwise.com). While it may be difficult to write sympathy thank you notes while you are grieving, it is important to acknowledge acts of kindness and support. If you aren’t up to the task, a family member or close friend can write the notes on your behalf. 35

There is no official time frame, but within two-three weeks of the funeral or memorial service is appropriate. Who should receive sympathy thank you notes? You don’t need to send a formal thank you note to everyone who attended the funeral/visitation or sent you a sympathy card. Instead, a thank you note or acknowledgement should be sent to anyone who has done something extra, including:

You may also want to choose a set of note cards that are not formal thank you notes. They would be blank inside and allow you room to write. The recipients of these cards will appreciate getting the note, even though the funeral was quite some time ago.

How do you remember whom to acknowledge?

Friends who have been helpful in tangible ways (e.g., brought food, provided transportation, done babysitting, assisted with a luncheon). Clergy presiding at the funeral (These people also receive an honorarium; see Clergy.). Anyone who went out of their way to do something special such as sending you a photo of your loved one or sharing a poignant memory.

One important tool to keep handy when a loved one has passed is a simple notepad and pen. Keep it handy, and note each call and visit; do not depend on your memory. The list will be invaluable when you are ready to send your sympathy thank you notes. You can assign a friend or family member to keep this record. Be sure to note first and last names and telephone numbers. It can be a great comfort in future days to see the support you were offered. Remember to include those who were especially helpful or thoughtful just before your loved one passed away. That sweet nurse who did extra acts of kindness at the nursing home or that lovely neighbor who brought meals during your loved one’s illness should be thanked.

How late is too late to send a sympathy thank you note?

What do you say in a thank you note?

People who sent or brought flowers. People who sent or brought food. Those who made a memorial donation or helped your family financially (do not mention the amount of the contribution). The charity will notify you of donations made in your loved one’s memory.

So, the funeral of your loved one was over a month ago (or several months, or even a year or more). You forgot to send thank you notes, or you just didn’t have the heart to do it at the time. Now you’re feeling better, and you’re wondering: Is it too late? The answer is “No, it’s never too late.” But you will need to acknowledge the delay in sending the note. For example, preface your thank you with something like this: “I’m sorry it took me so long, but I do want to thank you for your kindness…” Or, “My apologies for the delay in sending this, but your gift of flowers for Joe’s funeral service was lovely, and I wanted to thank you…”

All you need to write is a simple sentence or two. Write your message in preprinted sympathy cards (add your note along with the printed sentiment), or purchase blank note cards… For custom needs and truly special stationery, we recommend: Saint Clair Stationers 25 Lewis Street Greenwich, CT 06830 203-661-2927

THE OSBORN 101 Theall Road, Rye, NY 10580

914-925-8200

www.TheOsborn.org

The Osborn is a not-for-profit retirement community offering a continuum of care on a park-like 56-acre campus in Rye, New York. Short-term and outpatient rehabilitation and long-term care are available in The Osborn Pavilion Skilled Nursing facility with all private rooms. The Osborn also provides excellent care for people with a diagnosis of dementia in a secure, homelike setting in the H.O.P.E. Center for Memory Care. Assisted Living offers private apartments with care management and personal care services. Spacious Independent Living apartments and garden homes are also available with a 100% refundable entrance fee. The Osborn is accredited by CARF, the nation’s only organization attesting to a continuing care retirement community’s resident-centered focus, effective governance and financial stability.

The Osborn’s stunning 56 acre campus is matched by the quality of care and exceptional staff.

The Pavilion Lounge is a warm, welcoming place to enjoy visits with family and friends.

Residents socialize and dine in the Pavilion Dining Room with a prime view of the perennial garden.

THE H.O.P.E. CENTER FOR MEMORY CARE AT THE OSBORN The H.O.P.E. Center for Memory Care emphasizes the capabilities of those affected by dementia and provides opportunities for socializing, personal expression, enjoyment of the outdoors in a secure Wander Garden, and the flexibility that is so valuable for people with dementia. The H.O.P.E. Center received an award for Senior Living Memory Care Design from Senior Housing News, honoring the beauty and suitability of this homelike residence.

Larry Lefever Photography

The Osborn is a 501(c)(3) not-for-profit charitable organization accredited by CARF. It is the policy of The Osborn to provide services to all persons without regard to race, color, religion, creed, national origin, handicap/disability, blindness, sex, sexual orientation, marital status or sponsor.

SAFE SUN HABITS By Kim Nichols, MD, FAAD

Did you Know?

y patients are always surprised to learn that skin cancer is the most common of all cancers in the U.S, with over 5.4 million cases of skin cancer each year. It is also the easiest to cure, if diagnosed and treated early. I recommend my patients to practice monthly head-to-toe self-examinations. You know your body best, and you’ll be the first to see any new or changing lesions that might be cancerous or precancerous. As a tip, have a board-certified dermatologist do a full-body skin check on your first. This will assure you that any existing spots, freckles, or moles are normal or treat any that may not be. Checking months for less than 10-minutes can be a life-saving investment! How Can You Practice Safe Sun Habits? I’m on the Physician Medical Council for the Skin Cancer Foundation, and I share their tips with my patients: Use a broad-spectrum (UVA/UVB) sunscreen with an SPF of 30 or higher every day and year-round! At NicholsMD, we match you to a sunscreen at your first appointment. We want you to get the in the habit of wearing a sunscreen everyday! And, with so many to choose from, we help you to decide which is best for your skin type.

• • • • •

•

• •

Seek the shade, especially between 10 AM and 4 PM. Do not burn. Never use a UV tanning booth. Cover up with clothing, including a broad-brimmed hat and UV-blocking sunglasses. For extended outdoor activity, use a water-resistant, broad spectrum (UVA/ UVB) sunscreen with an SPF of 30 or higher. Apply 1 ounce (2 tablespoons) of sunscreen to your entire body 30 minutes before going outside. Reapply every two hours or immediately after swimming or excessive sweating. Examine your skin head-to-toe every month! Schedule a full-body skin exam every year with a board-certified dermatologist.

With a majority of my patients seeking cosmetic treatments, it’s important that they practice safesun habits first. Your skin is your body’s largest organ, so treat it right! Photoaging (skin damage such as wrinkles, brown spots, and lax skin caused by sun exposure) can be prevented — and minimized — with proper sun protection. So, practice safe sun habits to keep your skin looking its best, and staying its healthiest this year.

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“We believe you deserve to feel beautiful, confident, and ready to live your best life today and everyday.” Dr. Kim Nichols is a board-certified dermatologist. She is also a lead physician trainer for Allergan; the makers of Botox-Cosmetic® Dr. Nichols has been featured on The Dr. Oz Show and Megyn Kelly-Today! COMING SUMMER 2018! Our Greenwich NON-SURGICAL MOMMY-MAKEOVER!

KIM NICHOLS, MD, FAAD Board-Certified Dermatologist www.KimNicholsMD.com 203.862.4000

Graduated from Harvard University

1997 Received Doctor of Medicine degree from NYU School of Medicine

Named Chief Resident for the Division of Dermatology at King/ Drew-Harbor/UCLA Medical Centers in Los Angeles

Associate Dermatologist at Skin Specialty Dermatology, Upper East Side, NYC

Founded NicholsMD of Greenwich, a boutique dermatology in Greenwich, CT

2006

2007

2013

Named “Expert Injector” by New Beauty Magazine

2015

Awarded as one of the top cosmetic dermatology offices in the natiaon by SkinCeuticals.

Named the Official Dermatologist of The Greenwich International Film Festival

2017

2018

2002

The NicholsMD Difference: Boutique Care for Beautiful Skin. 50 OLD FIELD POINT ROAD, THIRD FLOOR, GREENWICH CT 06830

Study Links Good Financial Habits to Achieving Happiness Morgan Stanley’s Investor Pulse poll highlights that while most investors hold an optimistic outlook — worries about their financial futures remain.

rom record-breaking stock market returns to falling unemployment, the U.S. has no shortage of positive economic indicators, and the majority of investors say they feel confident about achieving both their short- and long-term goals, according to the latest “Morgan Stanley Investor Pulse Poll,” which surveyed more than 1,200 investors age 25 to 75 with over $100,000 in assets. About one in four (29%)—or 36 million—U.S. households fall into this category. Mostly Sunny, With Some Clouds Investors are upbeat overall, with about 9 in 10 either “somewhat” or “very” happy with

their financial situation today. Also, nearly 9 in 10 expect their portfolios to stay strong or improve in the coming year. Most (91%) believe they’re solidly on track to realize long-term goals like:

• Saving for retirement • Paying off a mortgage • Transferring their wealth to the next generation • Paying for a child’s or grand child’s education

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Nearly all (93%) are confident they’ll achieve short-term goals like paying for travel, home and car expenditures.

Still, the investors polled aren’t entirely carefree. More than two-thirds (67%) fear running out of money in their lifetime and 56% are uneasy about being able to maintain their standard of living. Having enough money to manage retirement and unexpected medical costs are key concerns shared by more than half (56% and 52% respectively) of investors, and two-thirds (69%) are concerned about how the political climate will affect their finances. Even Millennials polled say they are worried about retirement, with 72% of them concerned about having adequate funds, while 69% are uneasy about making that money last a lifetime.

Of investors ages 45 and above, about 9 in 10 wish say they wished they had started saving for their goals earlier, with nearly half highlighting retirement in particular. What can explain this apparent paradox between investor optimism and concern? In a nutshell: a lack of planning. Many investors admit they need help with finances, but fail to seek it.

The Advantage of Planning with a Financial Advisor Roughly half of all investors working with a professional are looking for help with a written plan that includes budgeting, expenditures, and investments. Still, only one in three investors has a professionally prepared financial plan. Many apply a do-it-yourself approach (27%) or have no plan at all (36%). Of the 36% of investors who do opt for a professionally prepared, goal-driven plan, 80% credit their financial advisors with their financial success. Happier Investors Practice Good Financial Habits Investors surveyed who reported being happiest overall also say they are less troubled by financial worries than their peers. They’re less concerned about issues like having enough money for retirement or unexpected medical expenses. What’s their secret? They practice healthy financial habits like having a financial plan in place, meeting short-term and long-term goals, and discussing finances with their significant other. Working with a trusted professional familiar with your financial situation to develop a personalized plan driven by your goals can help build financial confidence in good times and bad. When those plans are combined with good financial habits, investors can move toward goals including buying a home, retirement, travel or paying for education. Talk with your Morgan Stanley Financial Advisor (or find one here) to build your plans today.

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This material has been prepared for informational purposes only. It does not provide individually tailored investment advice. It has been prepared without regard to the individual financial circumstances and objectives of persons who receive it. Morgan Stanley Smith Barney LLC (“Morgan Stanley”) recommends that investors independently evaluate particular investments and strategies, and encourages investors to seek the advice of a Morgan Stanley Financial Advisor. The appropriateness of a particular investment or strategy will depend on an investor’s individual circumstances and objectives. (Read more below).

Notices & Prohibitions: The Morgan Stanley Legal and Compliance Department has approved this article for use exactly as it appears. It may not be changed in any way. However, longer articles may be run in two or more parts as long as any disclaimers also appear in the respective parts. Please note that the non-solicitation clause must appear at the end of every article. Courtesy of: Cathy S. Butler, CFP®, CRPC®, Portfolio Management Director, Morgan Stanley Branch Name: Morgan Stanley [Purchase, NY] Phone Number: [(914) 225-7153] California Insurance License #: [NA] Arkansas Insurance License #: [NA] Web Address: [https://fa.morganstanley.com/raymond.kraus/index.htm] Sources/Disclaimer Article by Morgan Stanley and provided courtesy of Morgan Stanley Financial Advisor. If you’d like to learn more, please contact Raymond A. Kraus. By providing this third party publication, we are not implying an affiliation, sponsorship, endorsement, approval, investigation, verification or monitoring by Morgan Stanley of any information contained in the publication. Raymond A. Kraus may only transact business, follow-up with individualized responses, or render personalized investment advice for compensation, in states where he is registered or excluded or exempted from registration, https://fa.morganstanley.com/raymond.kraus/index.htm This material does not provide individually tailored investment advice. It has been prepared without regard to the individual financial circumstances and objectives of persons who receive it. The strategies and/or investments discussed in this material may not be suitable for all investors. Morgan Stanley Wealth Management recommends that investors independently evaluate particular investments and strategies, and encourages investors to seek the advice of a Financial Advisor. The appropriateness of a particular investment or strategy will depend on an investor’s individual circumstances and objectives. Morgan Stanley offers a wide array of brokerage and advisory services to its clients, each of which may create a different type of relationship with different obligations to you. Please consult with your Financial Advisor to understand these differences. Morgan Stanley Smith Barney LLC is a registered Broker/Dealer, Member SIPC, and not a bank. Where appropriate, Morgan Stanley Smith Barney LLC has entered into arrangements with banks and other third parties to assist in offering certain banking related products and services. Morgan Stanley Smith Barney LLC (“Morgan Stanley”), its affiliates and Morgan Stanley Financial Advisors and Private Wealth Advisors do not provide tax or legal advice. Clients should consult their tax advisor for matters involving taxation and tax planning and their attorney for matters involving trust and estate planning, charitable giving, philanthropic planning and other legal matters. © 2018 Morgan Stanley Smith Barney LLC. Member SIPC. CRC2021936 03/18

Preparing for the future? Let’s have that conversation. Planning your family’s future is too important to treat lightly. That’s why you should evaluate a Financial Advisor based on what they can do for their clients. The guidance they provide, the insight they’re equipped with, the level of service and excellence they offer. So contact me and find out how I can help you prepare for the years ahead.

Raymond Kraus , CRPC® Chartered Retirement Planning Counselor Vice President Financial Advisor NY Insurance Lic. #LA-793764 CT Insurance Lic. # 993235 NMLS# 1285334

2000 Westchester Avenue Purchase, NY, 10577 +1 914 225-7153 Raymond.Kraus@morganstanley.com https://fa.morganstanley.com/raymond.kraus/index.htm

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