FEDERALIST the
THE STAFF
EDITORIAL BOARD
Iqraz Nanji
Max Rosenberg Feditors-in-Chief
Miranda Roman Managing Editor
Brett Krasner
Seth Farkas Publishers
Andre Adams
Thomas Germain Head Submissions Editors
Natasha Przedborski Public Relations
ASSOCIATE BOARD
Ben Greenspan Layout Editor
Cameron Averill
Dylan Sachs
Orly Morgan Submissions Editors
McKenzie Fritz
Shaakya Vembar Senior Editors
ON PROBATION
Hailey Riechelson
ASSOCIATE STAFF
Tom Schechtmann My Actual Pediatrician
Kirby Yates
Awful Relief Pitcher
James Valentini
Sex Symbol
A Medical Bill from the Feditors
Peace, love, and oversharing,
Max & Iqraz Feditors-in-Chief
TABLE OF CONTENTS
PAGE 3: Guy Fieri is here to yell “HOLY GUACAMOLE!”.
PAGE 4: Brave Columbia liberal identifies himself.
PAGE 5: Forget the Middle East - one teen has plenty of oil on his face.
PAGE 6: PrezBo’s organs belong in a specimen as beautiful as he.
PAGE 7: Dammit Parker! I need those pictures of Spider-Man now!
PAGE 8-9: A timeline of the Almighty CAVA.
PAGE 10: One beefcake demands an end to objectification.
PAGE 11: GS Sold for Scrap Metal.
PAGE 12: Elders of Zion Open Summer Camp.
PAGE 13: Pour one out for the Ultimate bros, bro.
PAGE 14: Asshole administrators work tirelessly to improve your college experience.
PAGE 15: The banks are so cute together, don’t make them break-up.
PAGE 16: Columbia Carts Initiative.
over Artwork by Natalie Arenzon
JJ’s Rides the Bus to Flavortown After Guy Fieri Pitstop
By THOMAS BROCKLAND
Reckless at Water Parks
The characteristic smoke inside JJ’s Place sifted through the air like it did on any other Saturday afternoon, smelling of grilled meat and greasy mozzarella sticks. I was there when it happened. I was there when it came.
Guy Fieri— The Guy Fieri —had just returned from a binge at a dive bar on Amsterdam (you know which one) when it noticed the scent of fryer oil wafting through the air on a northwesterly wind. The faint aroma drew the beast upwards to the Morningside Campus.
The gluttonous reality food star was on the prowl in its red convertible, revving its way onto 114th Street and closing in on a southeastern entrance of the school. By the time anyone knew what was happening, it was too late to stop it.
Guy Fieri stomped down the stairs, the sound of dissonant electric guitar chords filling the room more and more after each fateful step. Before our very eyes, we saw its gloriously hideous frosted tips, the dark sunglasses worn behind its head, the bowling shirt covered in hot rod flames.
The dining staff was powerless to stop the creature from charging past the entrance and behind the grill, where it paralyzed everyone within earshot with fear by shouting, “TIME FOR OUR NEXT STOP ON DINERS, DRIVE-INS, AND DIVES.” There was no cameraperson in sight.
Guy Fieri took two half-cooked burgers from the grill with its bare hands and slapped them together with a half-eaten chicken quesadilla from the garbage in between, a nightmarish McGangbang riddled with food poisoning.
The crowd of students and the chefs alike were overcome with revulsion as the brute stuffed its jowls
GOP Institutes Gay Travel Ban After Fierce Glitter Bombing
By MICHELLE DANDENEAU
NEW YORK, NY-New York City was put on high alert Monday night following the most recent of a series of senseless acts of terror. Three bombs, which investigators say contained glitter, hair product, and George Michael CDs, were scattered across the Village. Local police have released street footage of potential suspects parading around the streets, shouting in high-pitched voices and carrying multi-colored flags.
Sadly, a large number of innocent bystanders suffered third-degree sparkles that will take three weeks of showers to cure. Still, Mount Sinai Hospital Emergency Room doctor Jacob Greenblatt said the victims looked “drop dead gorgeous.”
In the wake of the tragedy, Republican nominee Donald J. Trump has altered his first hundred days plan. Trump, a native New Yorker, has condemned those at fault, which he refers to as “some GLAAD hombres” and has proposed a nationwide travel ban against all well-dressed individuals. “They could just be European,” Trump said. “But we won’t take any chances.”
Trump has also put forth a plan to vet suspicious Americans by creating a task force to monitor and question every individual found frequenting back-
room glory holes, wearing patterned headscarves, and chanting “Yaaaaas Queeeeen!”
Many of Trump’s GOP colleagues supported his proposals. Former Pennsylvania Senator and likely homosexual Rick Santorum stated: “Places frequented by god-fearing Americans like me have succumbed to fierce acts of violence. You can no longer have a nice family meal at the Flaming Saddle without a drag queen threatening to death drop everywhere.”
Trump has also called for a widespread governmental effort to stop al-GLAAD from disseminating its online recruitment videos targeted at impressionable young Americans, beginning with Project Runway and reruns of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.
As Trump rises in the polls and Americans begin to rally against their new domestic threat, Trump has repeatedly pointed out Hillary Clinton’s refusal to call the threat by its name: Radical Homosexual Terrorism.
As of press time, three suspects with glitter residue under their fingernails have been taken in for questioning and asked to lipsync for their lives.
full of the ghastly concoction, grease dripping down its bleached goatee and onto the floor. It rolled its eyes back into its head and moaned in pleasure. With food still crammed into its mouth, the monster bellowed, “HOLY GUACAMOLE, THIS IS OFF THE HOOK,” bits spattering out of its gaping jaws and onto the dry heaving, terrified spectators.
Apparently satisfied with itself, Guy Fieri made off in a hurry, skulking off to an unspecified, future victim; it was eager to continue the cycle of repulsive horror masquerading as cringeworthy reality television.
I was shaken—I underwent counsel with a helpful CPS staff soon after the incident—but I felt a profound sense of gratitude at having survived the unsettling experience. Not all who encounter it are so lucky, but I had survived—for now.
By IQRAZ NANJI
Didn’t Mean to Impose
Brave Columbia Student Works Up Courage to Denounce Donald Trump
By MAX ROSENBERG Twink
FACEBOOK – Michael Goldblum CC ’19 took a bold and principled stance in a lengthy status update last Monday, explaining to his Facebook friends why he is unable to support Donald Trump. The repudiation, which has been described as “powerful” and “a game-changer,” circulated rapidly through the McBain 3 community.
The carefully crafted treatise included insightful analysis such as “Donald Trump has no political experience” and “We need a role model in the White House.” Still, Goldblum’s most audacious assertion lay at the very end: “TL;DR: I don’t understand how anyone can vote for Trump.”
Many students are impressed
by Goldblum’s mettle. “It’s really inspiring to see someone take this kind of personal risk to stand up for their beliefs,” said Sarah Uhlman CC ‘18.
Although Goldblum initially feared that his public illustration of personal integrity would not be well-received by all, his shrewd judgment was validated by at least 34 of his Facebook friends. “To be honest, I was pretty worried,” Goldblum admitted. “There’s this one guy I kind of know from high school who I thought was a Republican. But it turns out he’s just a Libertarian. Really dodged a bullet there.”
The broader impact of Goldblum’s fearlessness can already be seen in how it has energized young voters. “You know, I wasn’t planning on voting. No-
body acknowledges how many barriers there are to voting in this country,” said John Cantor SEAS ‘19. “I’d need to trudge from Pupin all the way down to 112th to mail my absentee ballot. One-twelfth. But Mike’s conviction really sparked something in me. I was like, ‘Screw it, we all need to make sacrifices.’”
Though Goldblum has yet to publicly endorsed a candidate, many are anxiously waiting to find out who he will vote for. The sophomore has only disclosed that he is currently preparing to upload Trump’s most recent comments, captioning them with a perceptiveness reserved for professional pundits: “This is disgusting.” As of press time, he remains unsure as to whether he should use the angry or sad face emoji.
Professor Adds Cute Little GIF to PowerPoint
By HAYLEY TILLETT
Clown Fetishist
Sitting in his office Monday evening, sociology professor Michael Rutherford had a novel idea. As he prepared his Sociological Theory lesson for the next day, he thought of the perfect addition to one of his slides: a Spice Girls GIF.
“I took a look at what I already had on Functionalism, and I realized it needed something else. I mean, Functionalism describes both the social structure as a whole and the function of its individual parts. You know what else can be understood in terms of parts working together to form a single entity? The Spice Girls!
“So I found this GIF from the Wannabe video, and I just put it in the slide right next to the bullet points…Wait, darn it, how’d it end up over there?”
They’re each a different spice, you know, but together they’re one of the most iconic girl groups of all time! So I found this GIF from the Wannabe video, and I just put it in the slide right next
Ferris Pasta Station Announces Fluid Identity
By BENJAMIN MOST He/Him/His
LERNER HALL - The pasta station at Ferris Booth Commons came out this weekend as identity-fluid and told reporters it “just feels like an omelet bar sometimes.”
The announcement comes after years of suspicions that the station serves omelets instead of pasta in the morning.
“Sometimes I come for brunch, and the pasta bar’s not open yet,” Jacqueline Harris CC ’19 said. “I’ve seen this hot omelet stuff being put away. And it’s awkward, you know? Because you don’t want to be rude or insensitive, but at the same time, it’s like, am I the only one seeing this?”
Now that it’s out of the closet, the pasta station said it is less concerned about being seen during its daily transition period.
“It’s like I can finally show people who I really am,” the pasta station said. “There’s a lot more to me than gluten and 30-minute waits. And a lot of people might not understand my transition. But you know what? I’m okay with that. Soon enough people will realize that food groups are just a social construct.”
As of press time, the station was changing its name to the pasta, egg, marinara, pesto, meatball, alfredo, onion, garlic, green pepper, red pepper, roasted squash, mushroom, artichoke, tomato, sundried tomato, cherry tomato, spinach, broccoli, tofu, turkey, ham, bacon, chicken, peas, carrots, and corn station (PEMPMAOGGRRMATSCSBTTHBCPCC station). Asked of its preferred preparation method, the station stated that ‘omelet’ and ‘scrambled’ are too binary.
to the bullet points…Wait, darn it, how’d it end up over there? No, I want it on the same slide! Why is it so tiny?”
Professor Rutherford was seen quietly humming “Wanna Be” and shaking his butt in an ankle length skirt as he fiddled with the background color of the slides. “Ooh, the students are going to love that. The pink really pops with the Funcionalism theme.”
As of press time, Professor Rutherford has yet to figure out how to resize the GIF without decreasing the resolution to 200 pixels. It should be noted that Professor Rutherford believes the Spice Girls to still be together.
Helicopter Parent Steps Up Her Game
By JOHN ANDRADE
Done With Your BS, Tiffany
Like so many other freshman here at Columbia University, Tony Liu had endured high school under the watch of a helicopter mom. Weekends were highly structured and free time was limited. Though Tony had left for his first semester of college with the hopes of being able to escape this pressure and find a healthy balance of work and play, his mother has yet to curtail surveillance.
“CAN YOU HEAR ME?” screamed Liu over the roar of the helicopter hovering thirty feet above his head at all times. His mother waved to the Federalist from the cockpit. “I HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS ALL DAY,” Liu lamented.
Liu’s mother produced a bullhorn above our heads. “Tony, make sure to say ‘thank you’ for the interview.”
Mrs. Liu has justified her actions by saying, “I don’t care how old my son is, I will always watch over him and make sure that he will become a successful doctor.”
BP Discovers New Oil Reserves On Face Of Teen
By CONNOR HALM
More Than His Rough Exterior
SOMEWHERE IN THE NORTHEAST
CORNER OF CAMPUS – Petroleum engineering student Patrick Sullivan SEAS ‘18 has nobly decided to dedicate his body to science, coming to the conclusion that he can best serve humanity by harvesting the oil reserves all over his face.
“I’ve been experiencing embarrassing oil spills my entire life,” Sullivan lamented, “and with the crippling energy demands facing this country, I’ve decided to frack the fuck out of my face.”
Attracted by a lucrative drilling contract, British Petroleum launched a major effort to clean up the oil spills polluting Sullivan’s face. Asked for comment, a BP executive stated: “Wow, I mean this guy’s face is really a disaster. The kid’s forehead looks like the goddamned Gulf.”
Unable to remedy the situation, Tony has decided to accept the fact that he can’t escape. “I guess it will help me be more successful,” Says Liu. “Plus, now that my family has to pay for this helicopter somehow, I suppose I will have to become a doctor”.
By AMANDA BA
Meanwhile, the local inhabitants of Patrick’s face—mainly whiteheads and blackheads—are not letting their voices go unheard, organizing in mass numbers in protest of the new pipeline spanning Patrick’s face. The most contested zone has become Patrick’s nose, where violent demonstrations have broken out. “Stay off our ancestral facial features,” the acne proclaimed as it dejectedly migrated to Sullivan’s back.
At the same time, BP brought in Mark Wahlberg and a boatload of Proactive for the filming of Deepwater Horizon 2
RNC Unveils Sexual Respect Education Program for Presidential Candidates
By CAMERON AVERILL Sticky Bun in Disguise
Reince Priebus, chair of the Republican National Committee, unveiled the RNC’s new sexual respect education program today, which will become part of a mandatory orientation for future Republican presidential hopefuls.
The program will offer several options to suit the individual learning styles of each candidate. According to Priebus, all options will aim toward a similar goal: “To teach candidates, among other things, not to ‘grab [women] by the pussy’.”
Tech-savvy candidates can choose between several online courses, including “Just Because You’re a ‘Star’ Doesn’t Mean You Should Grope Her”, “If She’s Married, Don’t Try to Fuck Her”, and “Don’t Move on Her ‘Like a Bitch’ Without Asking.”
Those who desire a more handson experience can participate in one
of many interactive lessons, including “Acceptable Places to Grab Her That Aren’t the Pussy”, a workshop that teaches kinesthetic learners where they should and should not touch women.
“We stand behind all of our presidential hopefuls, but realize we all have room to grow. Everyone needs a reminder once in a while to not reference the debate moderator’s menstrual cycle or their own daughter’s sweet ass.”
Priebus says the program is long overdue, and that no event in particular triggered RNC leaders to require the
sexual respect training. “This definitely isn’t targeted at a particular candidate,” Priebus says. “We stand behind all of our presidential hopefuls, but realize we all have room to grow. Everyone needs a reminder once in a while to not reference the debate moderator’s menstrual cycle or their own daughter’s sweet ass.”
Trump himself said on Saturday that a sexual respect education program would have helped him avoid controversy. “If it weren’t for all the political correctness in this country—which is out of control, by the way—maybe somebody would’ve told me not to grab women by the pussy,” Trump said. “Then, I wouldn’t have done it. Believe me, nobody knows how to not do something like I do. Now, hypothetically, if I did it anyways, I sure as hell wouldn’t tell some low-energy Bush about it. Believe me. I don’t even know a Billy Bush.”
PrezBo: If I Donate My Organs, They Better Go To Someone Hot
By LEE BOLLINGER President of Columbia University
My organs are not just some pig slop to be shoved into the disgusting body of some homely Upstate New York tax attorney. I’m Lee Bollinger, dammit.
I went to the DMV last week to renew my license. I haven’t been driving much, but I hated my license photo and wanted to retake it. I was dead-focused on rehearsing my smolder for the camera, so when the DMV bureaucrat zombie asked the question I was jolted out of my trance: “Do you want to be an organ donor?”
With no time to ruminate, I agreed. But now I regret it. I shouldn’t have checked the box. Because I only want to donate my organs if they go to someone hot.
If I had a say in who got my organs, I
might be more enthusiastic about signing away my still-beating heart. If you could make sure my kidney would press up against Margot Robbie’s bladder all day long for years to come, maybe I could die in peace. If you could guarantee that my large intestine would help Michael Phelps digest his daily 10,000 calories and keep those abs rock-hard, I’d rip that thing out on the spot.
I was the defendant on the most pivotal affirmative action cases of our era. I didn’t endure a shitstorm from Upper Peninsula Michigan racists angry that their Wonder-Bread kids couldn’t get into the University of Michigan, just for my pancreas to end up in those same flavorless Midwestern walking bread loaves.
I know op-eds are supposed to anticipate objections, but I can’t imagine that anyone reasonable would think that it’d be
English Major Feigns Stress to Fit in With Friends
By ANI WILCENSKI A Little Rascal
Julia Goldberg, CC ’18, recently confided to a friend that her complaints about her extremely taxing workload and academic schedule were, in fact, fabricated. “During midterms season, people just talk to other people about how nervous they are and how much work they have to do, and, as an English major, you can imagine how left out I feel. I don’t want to miss out on those bonds people forge with each other by crying about how many midterms they have this week.” In order to combat these feelings of exclusion, Goldberg recounted using techniques like walking to Butler to study with a group of people and then ducking away at the last minute before actually entering, and loudly sighing while looking through her blank planner to demonstrate the stressful depths of her crowded schedule.
However, despite its unfortunate impact on her social life, Goldberg is still proud of her major. “I may not be slaving over problem sets every night, but I’m engaging in a process of critical thought that I find to be more taxing,” she said, hurriedly closing out of a Buzzfeed quiz entitled “Which Disney Princess Are You Based on Your McDonald’s Order?”
When asked if she could recall the last time she did study in the traditional sense, Goldberg was suddenly overcome by an extreme coughing fit and was forced to remove herself from the conversation in fear of the furiously annoyed stares she received from all parts of Ref Room.
As of press time, she could be heard attempting to convince a group of SEAS students that her eyes were bleary and glazed over from a long afternoon of hitting the books, and not from watching Real Husbands of Hollywood on Netflix for five hours straight in her bed.
acceptable for my organs to help some Six continue living a life of mediocrity. I think everyone would agree that it’d be better to let my insides rot on a cold metal table.
As a world-renowned legal scholar and attorney, I’m aware of the importance of clarity. For that reason, I’ve compiled a comprehensive list of people I deem worthy of receiving my organs in the event of my death: Kylie Minogue; Jennifer Lawrence, as long as she doesn’t gain any weight; blonde Emma Stone; Dwayne the Rock Johnson; Rob Kardashian, pre-2011; Blue Ivy Carter-Knowles; the Jolie-Pitt kids, including the adopted ones; Amal Clooney, provided she wins the Elgin Marbles case; the strongest professor in the Department of Middle Eastern, South Asian, and African Studies, as decided by a round-robin tournament of duels; and myself, if some-
McBain
how that’s an option.
And to be even clearer, I’ve also decided to name people who, under no circumstances, should receive any part of my body, functional or not: Bob Dylan, because frankly I’m a little peeved that he won the Nobel Prize for Literature; that student who sat in the eighth row of my class during the fall semester of 2011 and asked to use the restroom during the final exam I mean, control your damn bladder; Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Law ‘59; Xi Jinping, current President of the People’s Republic of China; any student majoring in Psychology or Economics; and Deantini.
As a first-amendment scholar, free speech is dear to my heart. But that doesn’t mean I want my vocal cords to help some sallow idiot spout dumb bullshit. My organs, my choice.
Elevator Missing
F reshman Coughs for 17th Time in Lit Hum Class
By LUIS VERA
Quite the Stinker
HAMILTON HALL - Well-placed sources have confirmed that Maureen Robertson CC ‘20, is currently engaged in a furious battle of wills with her cold in Section 78 of Masterpieces of Western Literature and Philosophy.
Robertson, who reportedly first fell ill a week ago, has already coughed on sixteen separate occasions in class, over the course of several fits. Eyewitnesses report that Robertson, faced with steadily building self-consciousness, has attempted to restrain her outbursts with increasing ferocity.
“The effort is honestly impressive,” said Stacy Goldman CC ‘20, a classmate. “I think her eyes bulged so much she popped a blood vessel.”
Reporters managed to secure a brief interview with the afflicted freshman between attacks. “I know I’ve already coughed 16 times, goddamn it, but 17 is one too many,” Robertson told reporters. “I mean, these people must think I’m so weird, you know, being sick. Gosh, I’m actually so embarrassed.”
When asked why she had not excused
herself to cough in the hallway, Robertson snapped, “I mean, obviously I didn’t. That’s just so disruptive, you know? Getting up just draws so much attention, and I don’t want them all to glare at me with their if-I-have-toread-one-more-goddamn-page-of-Confessions-I-am-going-to-transfer faces.”
Statements from Robertson’s instructor, David Rodriguez, appear to confirm the young student’s worst fears. “Honestly, I think Maureen’s comments are valuable contributions to our discussion, but the coughing has utterly destroyed my opinion of her. I’m afraid I’ll have to consider docking her grade.”
Elizabeth Jasons CC ‘20 added, “Yeah, no, we’re all definitely looking at her. It’s like a train wreck, except contagious. You just can’t tear your eyes away.”
Other classmates are less than appreciative of Robertson’s tireless efforts to be inconspicuous. “God, what an inconsiderate bitch,” Jacob Martinez CC ‘20 told reporters. “Having the nerve to be sick like that. How am I supposed to grasp the foundations of Western culture if this girl is coughing up a lung in the background?”
Student Cultured From Study Abroad in Toronto
By MICHELLE DANDENEAU French-Ass Name
Jonathan Applefield CC ‘18 claims that though he was a bit jetlagged from the flight to his study abroad destination, he was out exploring the foreign streets in no time. “I was a little groggy from my 15-minute nap on board, and I was a little thrown by how late it gets dark here,” Applefield said. “But after overcoming that, I was ready to see Toronto.”
But navigating the city was not as easy as Applefield expected. He acknowledges that the language barrier did pose a bit of an issue. “There are just a lot of phrases used in Canadian that I can’t translate into English,” he said. “And I couldn’t understand why people kept apologizing.”
But after conquering these hurdles, Applefield was able to immerse himself in Canada’s rich culture. “I had the pleasure of attending a speech given by Canada’s Prime Minister Justin Trudeau. It was so eye opening to hear the remarks of a communist leader in person,” Applefield said. “I’m not sold on single-payer healthcare, but I’m
all for hot dudes giving me free things.”
Applefield also ran into some of Canada’s most popular celebrities on the street, including Toronto-born actor Drake, seen walking out of the Molson Amphitheatre. “I was so shocked at his recovery,” he said, “the last time I saw him on screen he was still in a wheelchair. It’s just so exemplary of the Torontonian spirit you know?” Unfortunately, Justin Bieber was not in town during his semester abroad, but Applefield says he would’ve jumped at the opportunity to hear the pride of Canada sing some of the country’s national tunes.
All in all, Applefield cherishes the time he has spent in Canada. He says he built a bond with not only the students but also the inhabitants of the city. When asked if this was a one-time voyage, Applefield scoffed. “Once you’ve seen the world, you can’t stay in one place for long,” Applefield says.
Ever the adventurer, Applefield won’t limit his next trip to Toronto. “I’m thinking about taking some time to see Montreal. Toronto is great, but I hear McDonald’s in Montreal sells croissants.”
By THOMAS
BROCKLAND
Cava through the Years
through Years
By NATALIE ARENZON
Women Need To Stop Putting Me On A Pedestal
By BEN GREENSPAN
Certifiable Hunk
I’ve gone back and forth regarding whether I should pen this piece, especially considering the delicate political climate of this country. But I’m a humanitarian, and in the end, revealing my thoughts in this case was in the best interest of not only myself, but also my legions of female admirers.
The first time I was referred to as an Adonis, I’ll admit I was flattered. Of course, I’d been complimented on my appearance a plethora of times before, but that particular adulation really struck me. Once, a woman standing behind me at Starbucks collapsed, apparently overcome with emotion and arousal from the very sight of me ordering a decaf. As EMT’s rushed in minutes later, one of them shielded her eyes, crying, “I can’t even look at you, you Hemsworth Medusa.”
Since that fateful day in the sixth grade, I’ve fought a constant battle against the idyllic qualities that women constantly thrust upon me. A peaceful few hours in the gym
can turn into bacchanalia at a moment’s notice; one woman once shoved her eggs in my face, pleading with me to inseminate her. My strong jaw, carved abs, and euphoria-inducing genitalia aren’t just strengths, they are my greatest weaknesses. For just a month, even a week, I would like women to stop putting me on a pedestal.
Here’s the thing: women look at me, and they see a Jewish knight in shining armor, the pinnacle of masculinity. They refuse to acknowledge that I am flawed. Take my freckles, for instance. One could argue they represent a lackluster attention to skin care. But instead, women insist they see a face with added character, a youthful whimsy.
Every day, women tell me, “Ben, it’s not just your body that we find so alluring— it’s also your captivating personality. How do you balance such hardened, time-tested sensibilities with acute sensitivity and grace?” Now, this one really bugs me. This oversimplification of the multiple idiosyncrasies of my personality is the definition of objectification. I guess women don’t care to know that I also volunteer at Peggy Adams
TA Patiently Waits For The Student Who Did The Read-
ing
To Answer Question
By W. REED SIMMONS Really Should Call His Mother
Sociology TA Eleanor Gimble, a 5th year grad student, reportedly waited patiently for Jared “that kid” Rodriguez CC’ 19, to answer a simple question regarding the shortest reading assigned to the class that week. Rodriguez, according to reports from classmates, played with the notion of letting the other students take a crack at the answer before just handing it off to Rodriguez.
“Thank god for Jared,” said Gimble commenting on the nature of the class. “He’s the only one of these kids that doesn’t realize how pointless this all is. Most of them have figured out that this part of their grade is pass/fail at best. Besides, most of them probably don’t even know what I look like. Christ, when I asked that question I even flirted
with the idea of looking around the room, but who am I kidding. If he wants it that bad let him have it.”
Classmate Olivia Wilkins, BC ‘20, said, “If it weren’t for him we’d have to accept that, even at a top-level school, the students aren’t motivated to go the extra mile. Did I mention that this is my major?”
Speaking to reporters, Rodriguez said: “Basically, I do the readings to stand out in the 300-hundred person lecture, you know? The other day, Dr. Walinski [the lecturer] glanced right at me when he said the word ‘inequality’ and I just felt reincarnated. He’s really an inspiration to me.”
In response, Gimble rolled her eyes. “Walinski hasn’t even done the readings. The other TA’s and I have made every powerpoint for this class, and he doesn’t even pronounce a lot of the key terms correctly.”
Animal Shelter, hugging puppies back to health with my muscular arms and gentle smile. I guess women don’t care to know that I cry when I listen to “Landslide” by Fleetwood Mac or, that I pick my grandmother up from hospice every Sunday to take her to her favorite spot on the pier.
By NATALIE ARENZON
No, women don’t care to hear that because it doesn’t fit into their tight little narrative. I am not a perfect man. I have feelings. I fall in love too much. I spend too much time in the gym; I care too much about my family, and I don’t say “I’m a male feminist” often enough. So enough already!
Spectator To Begin Recycling Used Columnists
By MAX ROSENBERG Big Fat Meanie
SWEATSHOP ABOVE PINKBERRY
– After coming under fire from campus
“We will be working with EcoReps to develop a sustainable way to dispose of our preowned writers. We acknowledge the waste generated by just throwing them away.”
environmental groups, the Columbia Daily Spectator has announced that it
will begin recycling its used columnists. “We will be working with EcoReps to develop a sustainable way to dispose of our pre-owned writers,” said Publisher Nick Morton CC ’17. “We acknowledge the waste generated by just throwing them away, and we promise to do better.”
When asked how Spec might go about recycling hundreds of pounds of biomass spoiled by rancid opinions, Morton was optimistic. “We’ll probably sell them to Bwog, which can use them for parts.”
However, if nobody accepts the used columnists, Spec will be forced to continue “just tossing them in the dumpster on 111th.”
Student falls asleep during history lecture, wakes up 1,000 years into future
By HARRISON GALE
Popped the Housing Bubble
FAYERWEATHER HALL - Lyle Wilkinson, CC ‘19, never could have imagined what would befall him during what seemed to be a brief nap he took during class.
“I hadn’t gotten a lot of sleep the previous night since I was finishing some work and catching up on some Stranger Things fanfiction,” recalled Wilkinson, “so when I got to class, my eyes felt real heavy, I couldn’t keep them open. The dulcet tones of Prof. Brander’s lecture were like the sweetest of lullabies, and the overly air-conditioned room wrapped me in a cocoon of sooth-
ing, frosty comfort. Plus, he kept droning on about Millard Fillmore, who everyone knows was as boring as shit.”
“I looked around, andman, let me tell you - the earth’s turned to shit in the past millennium.”
Little did Wilkinson know that this grave mistake would find him, upon waking, 1,000 years into the future.
“I felt this cold hand jolt me awake, and
Student Reports Laptop Stolen After Leaving It In Butler for 9 Days
By ORLY MORGAN Reptilian
Fear rippled through the Columbia community last week after James McShane reported in an email that a student had been robbed of his laptop after leaving it Butler for nine days.
Daniel Crowder, CC ‘19, says he left the laptop on a table in Butler 209 when he went to the bathroom. And when he returned, a mere 215 hours later, the laptop was gone.
“I usually ask the nearest girl to watch my stuff. But since I knew I
wasn’t going to be gone for long, I decided just to leave it unattended.”
Police are on the case, but have yet determined whether the laptop, along with Mr. Crowder’s Calculus I problem sets and Lit Hum notebook, were stolen or were just thrown out.
Other students expressed shock at the state of affairs in the library.
“Is nothing sacred?” said Jesse Han, SEAS ‘19. “If we can’t leave piles of schoolwork in Butler for weeks on end, then what even is the point of the library?”
By NICOLE JAVORSKY
there was this robot there, all shiny and chrome and kinda cute. There were robots everywhere. I looked around, and—man, let me tell you—the earth’s turned to shit in the past millennium.”
Wilkinson stood shocked by his discovery of the grim fate of the earth. An endless wasteland lay before him as cold, heartless cyborgs roamed, punishing the remaining humans as slaves, and preventing them from swiping into JJs. Not much had been left of Columbia University, as the four undergraduate schools had fallen victim to a JTS rebellion during the Salt Wars of 2089, and had since abandoned their corporeal forms
and been co-opted into a hive mind.
“It was a huge boon for our archeologists to come across a specimen like Lyle,” said JBR-189, the android who encountered Wilkinson. “Once we’ve scanned him into CLIO, given him the proper submersion in viscous preservatives, and filled him away in the stacks, we’ll be able to learn about human society for decades to come, even as Lyle longs for the sweet embrace of death.”
As of press time, Wilkinson has reportedly been put to work by his robotic overlords, restoring a recently excavated bronze statue of the ancient religious figure, Yeezus.
School of General Studies to be Sold for Scrap Metal
By THOMAS GERMAIN Enjoys a Good Crawdaddy
MANHATTAN – President Lee Bollinger announced in a press release last Thursday that the School of General Studies will be sold for scrap metal at
“In the end, I think the quick cash we’ll make from the extra metal might do more for the community than GS ever could.”
LEE BOLLINGER
the end of the academic year. Bollinger cited financial constraints as the primary motivation for the sale.
“General Studies was a noble experiment,” Bollinger said. “But the numbers just don’t add up. And frankly, every other week I have to listen to some studious mom complain about having to choose between buying her kids shoes
and covering textbook rentals. It gets really tiring after a while. In the end, I think the quick cash we’ll make from the extra metal might do more for the community than GS ever could.”
But finances are not Bollinger’s only concern. “Seeing older students around campus has been making me really uncomfortable recently,” he said. “I see them and think, ‘you’re 47. Aren’t you a little old to be taking University Writing?’”
The announcement has been met with a mixed response from the General Studies Community. “It’s really a shame,” said Jennifer Farnham, GS ‘18. “General Studies has given me so much. At the same time, it’s hard to argue with all that top-shelf American steel.”
The university has not seen such an influx in scrap metal since it received Henry Moore’s sculpture “Reclining Figure.” While there has been no official word as to what will be done with the metal, unconfirmed reports suggest it will be used to build a new back door to the university.
Newsbriefs
Sophomore Psychology Major Cures
Friend’s Debilitating Depression
Professor Who Doesn’t Allow Computers in Lecture Clearly Doesn’t Get How This Works
Muslim Cat Has Nine Wives
Study Finds 70% of People Doing 0% of the Work
Recent Poll Shows Trump Closing Thigh Gap
New Study Links Moleskine Notebook
Usage and Sucking Your Own Dick
Elders of Zion Announce New Youngsters of Zion Sleepaway Camp
By BEN GREENSPAN
Freshman Allows BDS Member Into Dorm Room, Expecting Kinky Experience
Lost Soul
MOULTONBOROUGH, NH - Seeking wider appeal within the Jewish faith, the Elders of Zion have announced the opening of a Youngsters of Zion sleepaway camp on the shores of Lake Winnipesaukee in New Hampshire. The camp will provide “a nurturing, hospitable environment where young Jews from across the country can congregate to share in the joys of friendship, sportsmanship, and the destruction of Gentile civilization.”
The notoriously insular Elders have noticed a precipitous decline in membership since the recession. “Certainly the bursting of the housing bubble indicated to a number of our members that we needed to recalibrate our efforts,” said Elders spokesperson Moshe Feinberg between bites of a pastrami on rye at Krugel’s on 59th. “We lacked input from younger members, those who could let us know what’s really going on among society’s dullards. That’s how this camp came about—also my little Yakob did not en -
joy his four weeks at Camp Manitoba.”
The camp will have amenities rivaling those of the most established New England sleepaway camps: three basketball courts, a full service mess hall, Bible-burning fire pits, a multi-purpose gymnasium, etc. “Rachel and I toured the facilities, and frankly, we were very impressed,” said Robert Greenblatt, Chairman of NBC Entertainment, after he and his wife visited the camp this past week. “I felt the control room which simultaneously monitored all media outlets across the country demonstrated the commitment the Elders have to our cause. The clay tennis courts will also definitely help Daniel with his pitiful backhand.”
Calls for funding were virtually non-existent, as the Elders have not traditionally had issues with finances. While enrollment for the upcoming summer has been slow to pick up, Feinberg expects that to change. “Let’s just say I have a feeling we’ll be getting an awful lot of press,” he added with a wink.
Candle Light Vigil Held After Ultimate Frisbee Team Drowns In Pussy
By NICK RIBOLLA Carpenter Ant
BUMMER CITY - Following the tragic announcement that every member of Columbia’s ultimate frisbee team passed away earlier this week due to complications involving “tons of women’s pussies,” students paid their respects last night in a campus-wide candlelight vigil.
The rampage was among the school’s deadliest pussy-related tragedies, second only to a 2009 incident in which 31 male a cappella singers were trampled to death by a stampede of
naked women.
Many expressed hope that the incident will lead to reforms. “The football team have helmets. The squash team has lawyers. Where’s the protection for our frisbee players?” said campus frisbee advocate Darryl Collins, SEAS ‘18. “How many bros do we have to lose before the administration takes action?”
Others suggest the massacre is par for the course in a sport like ultimate. “I’m heartbroken to hear about what happened, but honestly it’s unsurprising,” said Derek Goldberg, CC ‘20.
“When you play a sport like ultimate frisbee you need to understand the risks: killer calf definition and the prospect of being smothered to death by vaginas.”
Due to the graphic nature of the event, law enforcement have experienced difficulty identifying corpses. Police have attempted to use the backgrounds of the deceased’s Apple Watches to establish a list of victims. At press time, several perfect, exquisite male bodies remain unidentified.
Hillel Gives Out Kippahs To Hide Students’ Baldspots
By NICOLE JAVORSKY
By NATALIE ARENZON
Freshman
Frantically Hides
Illicit
Items Before
Parents Visit
By ANI WILCENSKI
In Carman 308, a frenzy of activity erupted as Nels Pury CC ‘20, began racing around the room—shoving items under the bed, ripping things off the walls, and leaving a trail of general destruction in his wake. When his confused suitemates stopped him to ask why he was acting so erratically, with fear in his eyes, Nels uttered a single word: “Parents.”
Despite his well-established playboy daredevil ways, Nels could be seen quickly taking down and hiding such essential room staples as a life sized cutout of Jennifer Lopez in a string bikini, an enormous “Saturdays Are For the Boys” sign, and the “Bongzilla” pole-mounted ten tube drinking funnel proudly
displayed in the center of the room.
He even made his roommate take down his Budweiser posters, though claiming that this was from a concern for showcasing a unified room aesthetic and not from a concern for any implication in alcohol-related matters.
When asked whether or not, in light of this cleaning, he really planned to keep the forty empty beer cans he’d arranged into a pyramidal display to showcase his wild lifestyle, Nels declined to comment, but witnesses later reported seeing his mother discover them hidden in a cabinet and hearing him desperately deny all knowledge and say that they probably belonged to a “prior resident who clearly didn’t understand the many dangers of teen drinking.”
Hooked on Phonics and Xanax
Soulless Administrative Bureaucrat Approves Additional $5000 for Club’s Budget
By ANDRE ADAMS Carpal Tunnel Survivor
On Thursday, between bites of still-beating human heart, mid-level bureaucrat Nancy Mondina granted a request from Columbia’s Aquatic Equestrian Society to nearly double their allocation for the spring semester. The approval came as welcome news to Christina Applebaum, the club’s president. “I really didn’t think that we would get the funding. To deliver the application form, we had to climb into this dark pit and sacrifice one of our members on financial aid. When
that claw emerged from the abyss and snapped the allocation form out of my hand, I just figured that would be the last I heard on the matter.”
“I
really didn’t think that we would get the funding. To deliver the application form, we had to climb into this dark pit and sacrifice one of our members on financial aid.”
Mondina’s approval enables the club to purchase the latest, top of the line seahorse saddles. “The diverse set of
I Joined Spec; Now I Cannot Remove My Head From My Ass
By BRYANT BENITEZ
That’s right, I’m in Spec. I went to the meeting during NSOP, and they even accepted me—right there on the spot! But soon after our first meeting, I began to feel my face being drawn, as if by a magnet, towards my anal cavity. I didn’t notice at first, for I simply walked with the same stooped head that affects so many Columbia students. But as I continued to opine about low-level administrators and think about my uphill path to the title of Deputy News Editor for Campus News, it became increasingly difficult to resist the allure of my rear. At this point, I found that I could only feel comfortable with the tip of my nose resting snugly in my sphincter.
Yes, my editors posted my first op-ed—a scathing condemnation of the University’s bureaucracy and its inability to provide for the basic needs of its students ($60,000 in tuition, and we can’t even get free protein shakes at Dodge? What kind of a school is this?). But the day my article went to print (six likes on Facebook!), the pull grew stronger yet. It was no longer enough to have my cheekbones gently tickled by my
ass hair. I had to go all the way. As I eagerly awaited the systematic University reforms surely to follow from my piece, my entire face bored deep into my colon.
At first, it was nice. I had a real insider’s perspective on what makes a thought leader on this campus; my potential for ascent within the Spectator was never greater. But all this came at a cost. I have been unable to change clothes, keeping me from wearing any of my club t-shirts—I need to verbally explain to passing campus tours how active I am on campus. My contortion has also harmed my career prospects. With my head jammed so far up my own ass, how could I also stick my head up my boss’ ass?
I write this editorial to raise awareness for a condition affecting a significant fraction of the Columbia student body. While it is the administration’s responsibility to provide appropriate medical care to the many of us in need of a colocraniectomy, we students must also do our part. Please, donate to my Gofundme so I can get back to uncovering administrative bloat, decrying the Greek system, and enacting profound change for our community. OH GOD IT GOT TIGHTER.
interests at this University is a vital part of what makes our Columbia community great,” the administrator shrieked out of her dripping beak as she swallowed a mouse whole.
When asked whether this allocation was the best use of the University’s funding, she clarified: “As administrators, our job is not to make qualitative judgments about what is and is not the correct set of interests for our students to pursue. We need to enable students to pursue their passions, whatever that may be.” She then sunk her talons into the skull of a captive goat and began to suck the animal’s life force out to revi -
talize herself.
Blood drunk from the fresh kill, she offered a frank assessment of another point of contention on campus—compensation of dining hall staff. “Of course we sympathize with the very real challenges that our staff face. However, their parents aren’t donating to the university. I would recommend they enroll as students and form a club in order to secure any additional funding they might need.”
As of press time, Mondina was seen microwaving the leftovers of former Feditor-in-Chief Adam Kelly-Penso as she read through an FTF request.
Loves Colonics
Too Big to Fail, But Not to Love: Why Banks Should Stay Together
By LUIS VERA B ottlecap Pincher
Much has been said in recent years about regulation of our financial institutions. Politicians cry out for the chopping up of big banks, claiming they have too long gambled with the livelihood of the American taxpayer, too long suckled on the sweet, supple, perky life-giving teat of the government to patch up their mistakes. But I beg my fellow Columbia students to take a closer look, and see that these are not overgrown monsters but gentle giants capable of incredible displays of devotion, committed and passionate lovers whose loss would be a romantic tragedy of historical proportions.
Consider, for a moment, the heart-melting tenderness of a modern corporate merger. A bank spots a young, nubile brokerage firm from afar, a glint in his eye. “Oh, baby,” he thinks to himself, “I’d tap those assets.” A whirlwind courtship begins one day, he strides over to her corporate offices; dripping with charm, he slides her his letter of intent. She coyly agrees to show him her books. Warranties and asset valuations fly, and one hulking, gently throbbing merger agreement later, the union is complete.
It would be a travesty, I tell you, a crime against humanity, to stand in the way of such love. Who among us, remembering his own first courtship, could still clamor for the
SEAS Ignoramus Misses Aeschylus Reference
By CAMERON AVERILL SEAS Ignoramus
NEW YORK - In a conversation with her classmates at John Jay Dining Hall, SEAS freshman and bona fide ignoramus Jenna Lee completely missed a reference to Aeschylus’s 5th century BCE tragedy, the Oresteia.
Lee, whose schedule is comprised of lowly subjects like physics, calculus, and the Art of Engineering, was silent as her friends debated whether it was fair for Aeschylus to portray Clytemnestra as vengeful given that she had just suffered the loss of her daughter, Iphigenia, at the hands of her husband.
“It was like she had never heard of Aeschylus, one of the greatest tragedians of Western Civilization,” said Mark Hernandez CC ‘20, Lee’s floormate and frequent dining companion. “I only read the Sparknotes, but even I was able to deliver a vehement diatribe against his unfair treatment of women, which is a pretty safe argument to make about any of these books.”
Like Hernandez, many faculty members have expressed concerns over the quality of students graduating from SEAS. “It terrifies me, frankly, to think that there are mechanical engineers and computer scientists out in the world bearing the Columbia name who
are constructing self-driving cars and artificial hearts without possessing any slight understanding of Aeschylus’s treatment of moral ambiguity,” said Julie Crawford, Chair of Literature Humanities.
But Crawford would be even more disturbed if she looked at the graduates of other top universities. Sources estimate that close to 80% of Harvard alumni can’t explain why Athena decided to acquit Orestes of his mother’s murder at the end of the Eumenides, and the outlook at some universities is even bleaker.
“M.I.T. doesn’t make its engineers read a single chant by the Chorus in Agamemnon,” said Mary Boyce, Dean of Columbia Engineering and former Dean of Mechanical Engineering at M.I.T. “I had to get out--I just couldn’t handle the ignorance.”
But unless Boyce makes substantive changes to the SEAS curriculum, the same ignorance will likely assail her at Columbia. And if Lee is any indication, the future for Boyce and for SEAS is grim. Lee has decided to opt out of both Literature Humanities and Contemporary Civilizations, and instead will take the same two blowoff Global Core courses as every other engineer.
breaking up of banks, could still muster the heartlessness to deny such companies their own chance at love? If this does not move you, I implore you to think of the children. Think of the young analyst at Goldman Sachs, having just closed his first big deal. In a delicious haze induced by cocaine and Red Bull, he relishes the succulent sense of accomplishment: with nothing but Daddy’s sweet connections, he has hauled himself from the base ranks of the 1% to the Olympus that is the 0.1%.
Are we such barbarians, I ask you, that we would deny posterity the chance to savor that sweetness themselves? That is no love at all, but rank selfishness.
Today, I exhort the American public to not
make the mistake of assuming size is a barrier to love. We do not tell morbidly obese couples they are unworthy of adoration. We do not find them, in their places of intimacy, and tell them there is no beauty in their fleshy unions, in the out-of-breath exertions of doughy limbs for there is a beauty there, the same beauty of our banks’ bulging, bloated bureaucracies, their engorged apparatuses.
If we can but overcome our narrow definitions of love and abandon these foolhardy demands for separation, we may finally achieve the unity this country was built upon, and come to lubricate Big Banking with our sweet adoration as it plumbs new depths inside our country.
Clown Lives Matter
By IQRAZ NANJI
Lukewarm Teddy Bear
LEWISTON, ME — In the wake of recent clown violence incidents, friendly neighborhood clown Chubby Chuckles was arrested by Lewiston Police Department, for allegedly threatening to brighten people’s day and possession of marijuana.
A neighborhood patrol car approached the suspect Saturday afternoon outside of what appeared to be Matthew Stevens’ 7th Birthday Bash. When deposed, the arresting officer, Lieutenant Roger Miller, argued, “We weren’t sure if he was concealing a weapon or just a balloon animal. We couldn’t take the risk.”
Miller continued, “These days if I see a clown where I don’t think he should be, then I have just cause to suspect he’s a red-nosed hoodlum, selling godforsaken amusement to the good people of Maine.”
Though the arrest was carried out under the pretense of public safety, civil unrest has erupted. Clown Protection Services, Mimes Against Discrimination, Columbia Jester, and similar student activist groups nationwide have taken to social media with fervor. The groups claim Chuckles’ arrest is an an example of systemic violence against costumed comics. Trending hashtags such as #ClownLivesMatter and
#FreeChubby accompanied the social media outcry.
Clowns themselves have long lamented their misrepresentation in the media. Many cite stereotypical portrayals of tempestuous childhoods, fragile male egos, and exoticized images of the clown, all of which serve to deny clowns their psycho-social autonomy. Earlier this year, the hashtag #OscarsSoSadFaced made little impact on clown casting in Hollywood.
Weighing into the controversy, prominent bozo Donald Trump denounced these efforts at equality in last week’s debate, theorizing that “if you let one clown car in, you don’t know how many criminals you’ve let in! Thirty? Forty? Fifty? The number is huge!” Trump went on to conjecture that “just last week, clowns were holding up McDonalds across the country,” and insisting that activists blindly ignore clown-onclown violence.
The clown debacle is surely to leave a large footprint upon American culture. Momentum has already picked up at Yale University, where activists have banned clown suits for Halloween, deeming them relics of cultural appropriation. President of the Whiffengoofs, Sylvester Stroker, was quoted saying, “Clown-face will not be tolerated! Any student with powder on their nose will be put in a box.”
By IQRAZ NANJI
By NATALIE ARENZON