December 2022

Volume XL • Issue 3 • December 2022

Columbia's Only Newspaper That's Up to Date on Its Shots

YOU'RE NOT MY DAD

THE TEAM EDITORIAL BOARD Zoe Davidson Lauren Unterberger Feditors-in-Chief Dani Rivera Fenway Donegan Managing Editors Max Monical Mollie Schmidtberger Head Submissions Editors

Jayne Magliocco Publisher GENERAL BOARD Grace Weinswig Layout Editor Eliza Heath Head Copy Editor Ava Young-Stoner Deputy Copy Editor Olivia Ruble Graphics Editor Molly Durawa Online Editor Sophie Simons Social Media Editor Danielle Odigie Games Editor Juliette Bellinson Archivist Lillian Aregawi Ilan Cohen Social & Events Chairs Amelia Fay Sam Grossman Baha Topbas Senior Editors 2

Lillian Aregawi Julian Gerber Sloane Goldberg Megan Meyerson Anjali Ramakrishnan Sylvi Stein Izzy Szyfer Ava Young-Stoner Submissions Editors STAFF Carl Bock Molly Bynum Matilda Darragh-Ford Sophia DiPietro Isabella Fratesi Oliver Green Yoni Kurtz Dahlia Low Sofie Matson Matthew Pierson Ashley Rapp Dahlia Soussan Xavier Stiles Pailyn Tayjasanant Brian William Love Danielle Winkler Cassie Wu Martha Wyatt-Luth Susannah Yezzi Lev Zeldin Jennifer Zhang Staff Writers Kat Chen Prisha Samdarshi Allison Zhang Staff Artists Molly Bynum Sloane Goldberg Emma Sullaway Staff Copy Editors Elizabeth Barg Fed Tech

Letter from the Feditors Dear adoring fans,

The trees have been lit, P-sets have piled up, and it now gets dark during your 4:10

Architect of Lerner Hall BRAVE ENDORSEMENT: Speaks Out: “You Guys The Fed Comes Out as Actually Built that Shit?” Pro-Boats

class. It’s the holiday season at Barnumbia, kiddos!!!!!!!! In honor of this festive end

By Xavier Stiles

to the semester, we present you with the Federalist’s holiday issue, complete with, you

prankster In a bombshell statement put out last Thursday, the architect of Lerner Hall, Dr. Justin Sane, showed complete disdain for the building’s appearance and sympathized with student criticisms.

“We all had a few too many mimosas and I suggested it as a joke. I never thought they’d follow through with it,” the architect said in his statement to Spec.

In light of this event, reception has been impressively united with Dr. Sane.

For over 20 years now, students have always joked that Lerner was designed by an astronaut who forgot how gravity worked or by a donut that wanted to watch students suffer. It turns out that it was just made by a group of drunk white men.

guessed it, MORE PENIS FOUNTAIN CONTENT. Lest you think we only publish articles about male genitalia, though, we also have some hard-hitting content for you like “10 Questions Santa Deniers Still Can’t Answer this Holiday Season” and “BRAVE ENDORSEMENT: The Fed Comes Out as Pro-Boats.” Oh yes, we at the Fed are BIG fans of boats. Sail boats, steamboats, kayaks, you name it.

But we digress. Winter Holidays. Yes. Much like Santa Claus, we’ll be delivering issues to everyone who’s on our nice list this year. Those of you on our naughty list will get copies of the Columbia Spectator.

Anyways: Eat! Drink! Be merry!

“Surprising,” said no one.

When asked about the origins of the layout, Dr. Sane said, “we were imagining Kafka-meets-Giovanni-Piranesi, and this is exactly what we thought matched the pitch.” Dr. Sane proceeded to begin sobbing and begging various gods for forgiveness.

Pressure has naturally mounted on Prezbo and the university’s administration for the misattribution of who designed Lerner and the growing hate against the building. As recompense to the students, they have announced that Ferris Booth Commons will have a “Level Day” where the dining hall will be tilted to match the angle of the ramps.

Jello will replace all desserts. The event will be held at some point during final exams.

By Oliver William Green

man overboard!

We here at the are proud to announce that we are for boats. If our readers have had one complaint about our work over the years, it is that we haven’t been producing enough boating content; so once and for all, we’d like to make our stance crystal clear. We are aware this will give endless ammunition to our critics, many of whom say, “boats look big and ugly out there on the water.” But, screw it, someone’s got to take a stand—and we won’t let this publication sink. We support boats.

Dani Rivera/Managing Editor

Barnard Store Baffled by Popularity of “Barnard Dad” Merch

With much holiday cheer, Zoe + Lauren Sleditors-In-Chief

By Reese Alexander

TABLE OF CONTENTS

find on depop

The Barnard Store, previously only known for having more windows than available merchandise, has recently grown its clientele due to the perplexing success of one of its items. Store managers are baffled by the popularity of the “Barnard Dad” baseball cap. The hat, which first hit shelves at the beginning of the year, sold out within the week.

Upon its restock, the hat sold out within a single day, beating a record previously held by Bacchanal tickets (it is currently unknown whether people are re-selling Barnard dad merchandise).

PAGE 3: page for daddies PAGE 4: Joe mama PAGE 5: happy holidays!

PAGE 6: really big picture of Zoe page PAGE 7: living my best life PAGE 8-9: festivities PAGE 10: sickness and grieving PAGE 11: you and me, on the steps, 11pm, only fists PAGE 12: subpar memes PAGE 13: Lauren is a funny little lass PAGE 14: A GAME!!???!!

PAGE 15: prezbo hurt my feelings PAGE 16: its the back what else do you want me to say Volume XL Issue 3

December 2022

When reached for comment on this best-selling sensation, one manager said, “Though we are confused by the hat’s popularity, it is amazing to know that so many Barnard students have such positive male role models in their lives. We’ve recently put up a suggestion box for students to submit their own ideas of what ‘Barnard Dad’ merchandise should be added to the store in the coming semester. So far, we’re considering ‘Barnard Dad’ hoodies, ‘Barnard Dad’ sweatpants, and ‘Bold Beautiful Barnard Dad’ red silk robes. Though we are considering a rebrand, as most students did not use the word ‘Dad’ when referring to their fathers.”

I bet Spec hates boats

Molly Durawa/Online Editor

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CPS Now Accepting Spotify Wrapped Instead of Consultation Appointment

By Sylvi Stein uptown munk enthusiast

As the end of the year draws nearer and everyone is posting their Receiptify and other yearly music recaps in their Insta stories, Columbia Psychological Services has announced that it will be altering its service booking system. "For all the students who may feel like 'monsters on the hill' rather than 'sexy babies' as finals approach, CPS is pleased to announce we will be offering prioritized counseling for

Joe Biden 2040 FESTIVE GIVEAWAY!!! FIRST 50 SCANS GET A FREE FED TOTEBAG!

boycott leaders

DEC. 10 — According to JJ’s exit polls, the overwhelming majority of consumers were disappointed with the Democratic response to extended wait times. When polled, one student expressed his exasperation: “When my father, and my grandfather, and my great grandfather (and his dad too) attended Columbia, JJ’s wait times never extended past two minutes. Nowadays, it’s at least three!”

Who’s to blame? The consensus shows that JJ’s-goers are crediting failed Democratic leadership for the current issues regarding wait times.

One political science major claims: “If you look at the raw data, this can actually be attributed to the split between moderate and progressive Democrats. That is, those who prefer wedge fries over curly fries.”

When asked for comment on December 7th, the White House

4

thomas edison Listen here, Columbia. These puny little Christmas string lights ain’t cutting it. When you say you’re lighting the trees, I expect them to be awash with light. Dazzlingly bright, some may even say. I look to those trees to provide my sad little winter brain with one extra ounce of serotonin, and right now, they’re running at about a 4/10 on the Izzy Szyfer Brightness Scale (patent pending). So forgive me when I request that those trees better be like floodlights from a helicopter on College Walk.

But fear not, Columbia! I come bearing solutions to my problems, namely: put seasonal depression lamps on the trees. You know those lights that emit

those who have a really fucked up Spotify Wrapped," University Life announced in an email. "If you're in the top one percent of an artist's listeners, you will immediately be placed on a priority list for an appointment." Concerned students should tag CPS in their stories or just show up to John Jay Health Center crying. The email went on to urge students with Mitski in their Top 100 to get involved with the wonderful resources offered by LGBTQ@ Columbia.

responded with the following statement: “The situation in JJ’s is unfortunate and undeniable.

President Biden is keeping a watchful eye on tensions in JJ’s and will not hesitate to provide reinforcement from the National Guard, if the circumstance demands it.”

Now, the unrest has reached its boiling point. Students were spotted praying for the first time since moving away from home.

In response, Biden has sent in his most trusted ally and most valuable resource: Kamala Harris.

Vice President Harris was spotted distributing Venn diagrams to impatient fry-seekers late Friday night. Harris stated: “When it comes down to it, this is all about unity. We’re all on the same bus here; whether the wait time is two minutes or twenty, the wheels on the bus continue to go round and round. Let ‘em spin, folks!”

Olivia Ruble/Graphics Editor

Feeling really indie rock these days

Op-Ed: Wrap the Trees in Seasonal Depression Lamps So I Can Finally Feel Something

By Izzy Szyfer

JJ's Lines are Longer Than Ever: Here's Why That's Bad News for Democrats

By Matthew Pierson and Olivia Ruble

TREE LIGHTING CAME EARLY :(

Volume XL Issue 3

the brightest, whitest, light that a seasonally-depressed person can handle? I already need to have one of these lights in my proximity for 15 minutes a day in order to be able to function. So put a bunch of them on the big trees. Let me have my prescribed happiness light time on College Walk at night. In fact, let everyone have their psychiatristrecommended happy time at the trees! We will all be drawn to the light like moths. Give us what we need.

Lillian Aregawi/Submissions Editor

I Lived It - Hallmark Holiday Break

By Ashley Rapp a harrowing tale As a big city college girl grinding away at my work, I’m happy and independent. Alas, it's the only time of year these movies take place so I’m heading home for the holidays. Arriving in the physical depiction of a snow globe, I’m finally home to my small, oddlyChristmas themed town: Clausville - Home of the Pinecone!

Oh no! My current city lifestyle has caused me to lose touch with my roots, and I’m suddenly struggling in this winter wind! My delicate womanly stature caused me to fall into this pile of snow; oh someone help me, please! Suddenly a man is helping me up… wait, is that my middle school boyfriend, Chris?! I hardly noticed him, it's been years! However, I’m still infuriated that he left me for Susy Whatsherlastname at the 7th-grade dance. “City girl can’t bear the snow, huh” he mocks, and I assure him that I am brave and independent. This is such a coincidence that surely will not have a predictable outcome at the end of this article!

Standing around my family’s elaborately decorated house (that is far from functional with all this decor), we bask in the love of family and Christmas. We are sipping cartoonish-looking hot cocoa that only the recently deceased character that will soon be brought up made best.

“It's just not Christmas without Grandpa. I'm

December 2022

so glad you're home,” my mom says as an emotional interlude starts playing.

Anyways…back to that cheery upbeat Christmas spirit! I’m making pancakes for the entire family for breakfast, but my dog is suddenly whining about going outside for a walk. After grabbing his leash, I begin to open the door but he runs off ! Running down the street after him like a mad woman (with makeup and styled hair though) I finally reach the dead end where he is waiting where a man holds his leash, Chris?! Ugh! Not this guy again! I'm so embarrassed! Chris and I exchange some dialogue regarding me pretending to have things under control and him threatening to release my dog to prove me wrong as a joke. As we both grab the leash we bump into one another and giggle with a twinkle in our eyes, “I should go...” I exclaim and run back home.

Wait, my family is watching all of this from the window?! They tease me about Chris, but I explain that he’s just a friend and remind them that he did cheat on me in 7th grade and I’m totally not still harping on it but I’m definitely still mad and judge his character for such. I apologize for burning the pancakes and my family tells me that I can make it up to them by going by the Reindeer store in town. Why are they all winking?

At the town Reindeer store I’m doing your typical shopping when I start conversing with an ominous old man wearing a red collared shirt and a white beard.

He tells me about how he’s the owner of the store and gives me really ominous advice that doesn't make

I'M SUING

much sense now but will later. Suddenly an employee comes around the corner with a pile of boxes taller than his face and calls this man “Grandpa”. As the man sets these down I realize it's Chris again, what a small town! We go back and forth regarding this Grandpa situation and I learn that Chris farms reindeer for a living with his Grandpa, Chris Cringle Sr. Oh man my family set me up!

Chris and I get snow cones and spend the rest of the day catching up and laughing a ton. We really laugh a lot because we are just so funny despite seeming so bland on screen. It is here that Chris mentions how he wishes I would stay and how I don't seem happy in the big city. He reminds me that I used to love decorating letters for Santa as a kid and that my Grandpa always thought I’d continue with that. Suddenly the ominous advice that Chris’s Santa-adjacent Grandpa told me makes sense! Am I happy here? What does Chris’ family do again? Would Grandpa be proud of me?

Suddenly I get a call from the big city and I contemplate taking it, until I see Grandpa Cringle (who is oddly reminiscent of Santa?) shake his head in this distance. Does that reindeer he’s farming have a red nose? Anyways, I decline the call and smile at Chris showing that I’ve taken control of my life. And so, this is my official resignation from the Fed, as I have chosen to stay in Clausville and become a professional letter opener for Santa’s workshop.

Ho Ho Hallmark!

5

Brave! This Columbia Woman Claims “Oh my god, I wish I went to Barnard!”

student continued, “Barnard girls just have such cute,

By Reese Alexander

feminist This morning, one incredibly brave female Columbian made a shocking assertion when she discovered that one girl in her lecture was actually a Barnard student.

“Oh, you go to Barnard? You’re so lucky—I wish I went to Barnard.” When reached for further comment, the

quirky style. I don’t even feel comfortable on Barnard’s campus, I just feel so out of place. But, no, yeah, I really wish I could have gone there. Just girls supporting girls.

sigh I don’t want to write this article.

I want to watch a YouTube recap of Anna and Will’s love story from Notting Hill while I eat the JJ’s mozzarella sticks currently stored in my fridge. But sadly, the editors-in-chief

AD

So fun. What’s that? Did I apply to Barnard? Oh, no.

That’s hilarious. No. Not at all. Wait, people don’t think that, right?”

The Editors-in-Chief Made Me Write This

By Zoe Davidson

Wannabe baddies

of the Fed said I had to turn in an article for this issue. They’re really annoying. Especially Zoe. I think that if I type enough sentences, I’ll trick everyone into thinking I’ve done my job. So I’m going to type up a story about how I decided to take ArtHum this semester. Basically, I realized I had four semesters left at Columbia and that I wanted

to distribute my Core requirements so that I was taking just one per semester. And then I realized that I had four Core classes left. So then I closed my eyes and picked ArtHum as the one I wanted to take this fall.

So yeah.

Anyways, fingers crossed they accept this article!

Zoe Davidson/Editor-in-Chief

As Temperatures Drop, Penis Fountains Shrink

By Oliver Green

i swear i'm just cold

As students returned from Thanksgiving break, eager to share stories from their hometowns, many were shocked to see that the heads of the fountains on Low Steps barely emerged from above the water. The administration has assured the student body that there will be no issues with the function of the fountains, further promising students that the fountains are “definitely just small because of the temperature—they’re really above average size when it’s warmer out, we swear.” In response to student concerns, they’ve announced that the tree lighting this year will include a set of heat lamps surrounding these once-stately structures.

6

Hi Zoe!

Volume XL Issue 3

And a Lambo

This Holiday Season, Give the Gift That Keeps on Giving: A Columbia Building

By Reese Alexander who is Avery?

This holiday season, University administrators have been especially joyful about the overnight success of their recently unveiled December fundraising campaign: “It’s the Giving Season: Give Us Money!” As of this week, the Columbia Giving homepage has been advertising: “This December, no matter which holiday you celebrate, show your student your love and pride for them by getting them the gift everyone needs—a building.” Within days of the announcement, interested do-

nors had already pledged millions.

Though many students and administrators are enthusiastic about the plan, not everyone agrees with the campaign. “It’s disgusting,” one CC junior commented from the Sarah Smith Butler Stack Nine. “It’s a perfect example of the blatant unfairness and classism of this institution. I mean, my dad was only able to buy me a theater, but one girl on my floor got a whole library!”

Dani Rivera/Managing Editor

Harvard and Yale Pull From U.S. News and World Report; Prezbo and Provost Boyce Break Wrists From High-Fiving Too Hard

By Fenway Donegan

participate in the upcoming rankings.

Report’s ranking, which has often been considered the calling CUEMS This decision will have profound consequences for arbiter between law schools seeking to claim a spot In a move some have deemed “better late than the perceived legitimacy of the U.S. News and World as one of the nation’s best. In other news, Columbia never,” Harvard Law School and Yale Law School have healthcare plans have seen an chosen no longer to participate influx of claims from high-ranking in the U.S. News and World administrators for broken hands, Report’s Law School ranking wrists, and fingers, all of which were system. Commentators have noted attributed to “too many high-fives.” similarities between this decision One administrator, interviewed and the project of the Annapolis from the Mt. Sinai Morningside Groups, a group of over 130 liberal waiting room, commented, “I mean, arts colleges who spoke out about what’s number 18 if Harvard isn’t the dangers of the U.S. News and even on the list?!” Others were even World Report’s ranking system more joyful. “Who’s laughing now, in 2007. Their calls from over motherfuckers!” said President Lee a decade ago for a reduction of Bolinger when asked for comment data provided to the U.S. News on the recent decisions of his peer and World Report and a rejection universities. “Talk about going out of their “reputation” survey can on a high note. You mess with the be seen as a model for Harvard, bull, you get the horns.”

Yale, and Berkeley Law’s refusal to Olivia Ruble/Graphics Editor

December 2022

high five so big i pooped my pants

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8 Volume XL Issue 3 December 2022 9

Graphic by Olivia Ruble/Graphics Editor

Raging

New York's Hottest Club Is: Columbia Health Clinic

By Olivia Ruble stefon If you love a slutty little runny nose and sultry wet cough, I have just the place for you: New York’s hottest club is the Columbia Health Clinic. Located on the most liminal floor of John Jay, these sanitary halls are perfect for your Kubrick-esque daydreams, almost as if you, too, are indulging in all work and no play (too real?).

This place has everything (except appointments): green chairs, Prezbo’s elusive wife, the guy that licked your face in a sensual way two days ago and probably gave you this dreaded lurgy.

Plus, you can totally impress your doctor when you gag, kick, and scream every time they swab your throat, which will have everyone in that waiting room thinking, “I’ll have what she’s having!” And when the doctor looks away, don’t forget to stock up on as many rubber gloves and cough drops as you can. You’ll need those for later, when you fill the rubber glove with cough drops and swing it around for an unencumbered moment of holiday joy.

butter sock

Olivia Ruble/Graphics Editor

By Vaishnavi Sirkay

breathless

As a dedicated writer for the Columbia Federalist, I do my best to make sure that my content is on the cutting edge of pop culture. I strive to keep all Fed content on top of the latest trends, be they local, state, or national. But like, this semester has had way too much stuff happen too quickly. I would really appreciate it if the news, pop culture, and the general goings-on would like, relax for a minute so I could catch up.

Remember when those people were throwing soup at art?

I thought, foolishly, that I could get a soup-based article going, to prove that the Columbia Federalist was staying relevant. But by the time I sat down to write it, suddenly Elon Musk was buying Twit-

10

ter. Fuck, now I have to learn what Mastodon is and how it could tie in to campus culture. Wait, did Harvard and Yale just drop out of the U.S. News and World Report? Hold on, just give me a minute, it's too much to keep track of.

How am I supposed to remember what's cool now? Nobody tells me anything anymore and I don’t have enough time to check my email. Is the Barnard housing policy still a thing? Is there going to be another tent? Has CC already been integrated into the School of the Arts and I’ve missed my chance to write topical content about it?

Eh, who am I kidding. I’ll just write another article about the penis fountains—that never gets old.

Fun Fact: If You Take My Clothes Out of the Dryer, I’ll Kick Your Ass

By Brian W Love

Seven Reasons to Hook Up Can the News With Your High School Ex Slow Down for Over Winter Break Like, Five Minutes

By Fenway Donegan

I'm too hot!

5.

deal with it in the new year

1.

2.

3.

4.

Your mental health has been, like, really good lately, so you’re not funny anymore. Put yourself first and prioritize character development.

If you can’t prioritize yourself, do it for your friends. They need something to distract them from their families, and your contribution to the group chat will be much appreciated. Be a good friend. Make some drama.

Let’s be real, the only thing screwing you here is your 8:40 class. You’re not getting any at Columbia, and dating apps suck.

All the guys on there want to do is play Mario Kart at 3 A.M., and you have needs, goddamn it!

And who better to fill those needs than your ex? He’s the best mediocre 18-year-old-boy-sex you’ve ever had. You know exactly what you’re going to get, and four whole minutes of missionary is pretty good, alright?

WHY MY PP HARD?

6.

7.

It’s not just you, he really has gotten cuter. The porn stache he’s growing kind of works on him.

We both know you’ve seen it on his Snap story. Sure, most facial hair is an automatic left swipe on Bumble, but your ex is special like that.

Plus, you shouldn’t have broken up in the first place. He’s changed now! Reflect on why your relationship ended, and realize how he’s like literally perfect. Constantly ghosted you? He’s just really good at setting boundaries around communication. Didn’t want to do long distance? Is a 6 hour flight really even long distance? Tiktok has completely decimated people's attention spans, and it’s on you to unlearn that instant gratification mentality.

But mostly, please, please hook up with your ex because I can’t be the only one. If you can’t do it for yourself or your friends, do it in solidarity.

Volume XL Issue 3

Hey y'all! I don't know if you’ve heard the news, but if you take my clothes out of the dryer, I'll actually kick your ass!

There's a lot of people out there who are new to the Barnumbia laundry scene, or who maybe haven't washed their own clothes before. So let me really break it down for you: When I walk into the laundry room and open my dryer, I expect my freshly laundered clothing to be there. By moving my clothes, not only are you gaslighting me, not only are you forcing me to look in other people's dryers like I don't know which dryer I put my clothes in, but you're actually buying a one-way ticket to a world of pain!

Hey, I get it, sometimes the dryers are all full and your clothes are wet, and you've gotta make some tough decisions. I respect it. But if you even think about touching the dryer my clothes are in, I'll put you so

deep in the pavement you won’t remember what day it is! I'll put so much weight on you, you'll be charged with felony possession!

In point of fact, I'll actually put you so deep down dark in there, your dryer-stealing ass will pop out in Hell and have a whole Dante's Inferno situation going on! You're gonna be knee deep in demons and Italian politicians and there's not gonna be a Virgil to save your ass! Just fire, brimstone, and the sound of me laughing from a million feet up as I kick dirt into the hole in the ground I just put you through!

Don't touch my clothes!

Olivia Ruble/Graphics Editor

Dear Spotify: Please Remove “Uptown Munk” by Alvin and the Chipmunks From My Wrapped

By Oliver Green

Dear Spotify Wrapped,

squirrels hit your hallelujah

AD

Look, we all have our phases. Sure, it’s a bit embarrassing to show your friends that Charlie Puth is your top artist when you’re supposed to be all cool and indie. I know that “I can’t even remember listening to that!” must be a phrase you hear constantly around this time of year. However, I’m pretty sure I would probably remember at least one of the 694 times you claim I listened to “Uptown Munk.” While I’m sure it’s a great song, showcasing the entire group at its artistic peak, with beautiful, heart-stopping solos from both Theodore and Simon, I simply cannot post this. Although I’m sure this clever, gripping Bruno Mars cover should be spread throughout the nation, unless you fix this strange error in my Wrapped, my friends may never look at me the same way again.

Sincerely, Loyal Subscriber

December 2022

HOT DAMN!

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You better watch out...

Editorial: We Are Not the Federal Reserve

By Max Monical

Olivia Ruble/Graphics Editor

we are more important

It’s not often that Fed needs to come out with an entirely serious piece, but you all have pushed us to our limit. Please, for the love of Jesus, we are not the Federal Reserve. If you are angry about interest rates, DON’T WRITE TO US. If you think Jerome Powell should be doing something else, please note that HE DOES NOT WORK HERE. We are the pseudo-funny, anti-establishment, cool club on campus. We are NOT the incredibly important, innovative, and politically-independent institution which controls interest rates through money supply.

We don’t want your vital complaints to go to waste; your strongly-worded emails will undoubtedly be read by Jerome Powell himself if you just send them to the right place! We’re sure he will listen to your very informed, well-thought-out opinions about gas prices and act on them immediately.

Lauren's Page

No, I Am Not Your Secret Dorm Cat, I Am Skimbleshanks the Railway Cat

By Lauren Unterberger meow

I am so fucking tired of answering this question. You’d think once enough people have seen me tap dance on the train tracks with my fucking suspenders and my fucking hat they’d know that I AM NOT YOUR FUCKING DORM CAT. I DO NOT LIVE IN YOUR FUCKING DORM. I am Skimbleshanks the Fucking Railway Cat. I cannot fucking talk to you. I am the cat of the motherfucking railway train. I’m busy giving out the fucking train mail and competing to go to heaven (??? Lauren only saw Cats once). Anyway, fuck off. I’m Skimbleshanks, motherfucker.

Ten Questions Santa Deniers Still Can’t Answer this Holiday Season

By Ashley Rapp

Emma Sullaway/Staff Copy Editor

I Lived It: Parents Not Getting A Divorce After I Left for College

By Lauren Unterberger too normal

you'll never believe who's coming to town

I believed the cliches in the media that as soon as I left for college, my parents would end their 20-year marriage. Well, here I am, halfway through my freshman year, looking like an absolute fool. I go home for the holidays and everything’s perfectly pleasant!

No screaming at the dinner table! No talk of an “irretrievable breakdown of a relationship!” The only lawyer in my mom’s contacts is our tax lawyer who handles our evasion!

I thought once my parents had the time to talk to each other, they’d figure it’s time to get busy divorcing (not that they ever had marital problems, I just kinda assumed 50 percent of marriages end at the same time my presence in the household does).

All my friends are gonna laugh at me when I go back to school and I have no edgy, angsty traits or characteristics whatsoever! I was really banking on that. Thanks mom and dad :/

1. Who put the gifts under the tree?

2. Who ate those cookies on the table?

3. Why do chimneys exist?

4. Who is the Live Santa Tracker tracking?

5. Who did I send that Christmas list to?

6. Why is there an Elf on the Shelf watching my every move?

7. Why would my mommy lie to me?

8. Why have I been behaving good all year?

9. Whose sleigh did Rudolph's nose guide that one foggy Christmas Eve? 10. Who keeps Mrs. Claus warm at night?

Grace Weinswig/Layout Editor

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You better not cry...

Volume XL Issue 3

December 2022

Hi Lauren!

13

FED CROSSWORD

Canada moose

By Danielle Odigie

ANSWERS POSTED ON @COLUMBIA_FEDERALIST ON 12/16/22

A Federalist Ode to Columbia Responds to Winter Wear Outrage Over yet Another Horrific Registration Period: ‘Just Take Something Else, Bro”

By Izzy Szyfer and William Ernest Henley

oh holy goose

Out from the closet when it covers me, Black as the pit from pole to pole, I thank whichever coat may be For the unconquerable cold.

By Molly Bynum

bro Another semester, another recurrence of the 536th semi-annual shit show that is Columbia registration. Students of all years struggled to get into the classes that they needed to complete both major and Core requirements.

From waitlists double the size of their respective courses’ student limits to the countless desperate emails frantically crowding professors’ inboxes, the Columbia registration period has more closely resembled the Hunger Games than anything else. But why?

The Fed reached out to university administration to get a closer look at the registration process and to learn why it’s such a radical fuck fest. The University registrar had much to say in this regard: “There’s a pretty good explanation for all of this, and it’s that I’m a sadist.”

When a sophomore reporter from

ACROSS 1. My order, over rice 5. Number needed to get book on Z-Lib (RIP) 9. "Let's go ___ ___ Magic to spend $16 on a drink!"

10. Peak of fashion, shoe 11. The worst food at Thanksgiving 12. "___ It", the best song from Renaissance 13. I think this is a writing term 14. Go Blue!, abbreviated 15. Cookie and house material 16. Starting the year with a 14

hangover 25. Bachelor's of Art 26. End-alls' partner 27. ____ Major, "I have watching Twilight due at 11:59 29. Sole sander?

30. DJUNGELSKOG's home 31. Strike _ __ 32. What my 7-hour stint in Avery was for 33. Killer of law school dreams

DOWN 1. Long range navigation, for short 2. The answers for this is "ATKUG". It is very hard making a crossword, and some of these answer were bound to be weird.

3. Moose, multiple 4. Aspirin company 5. Former U.S. transportation agency 6. Mist 7. ____ the First 8. New College of Florida 9. Finnish fire

11. Trading care game, abbreviated 17. Don't get hit by this when crossing Broadway 18. England beat them 3-0 19. Six pack friend, in other words 20. Getting fresh flower 21. American ____, territory 22. The type of celeb Vanilla Ice is 23. Italian for elk 24. Yale School of the Environment 27. Tailor's concern 28. Yoga accessory Volume XL Issue 3

the Fed asked the panel if they could expect to get a spot in a Global Core course, Prezbo laughed maniacally.

“We offer so many world-renowned classes.

You should be grateful,” one administrator said.

“If you can’t get into one, tough. Just shut up and take something else.” Our reporter proceeded to slap the administrator across the face and leave promptly.

Olivia Ruble/Graphics Editor

In the fell clutch of feathers I have not winced nor cried aloud.

Under the stuffings of avian members My hood is furry, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of zips and pockets Looms but the Horror of the shade, And yet the menace of the wind’s rockets Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate, How much they cost to produce, I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my Canada Goose.

Dani Rivera/Managing Editor

HEARTBREAKING: This Barnard Student’s Spotify Wrapped Didn’t Have Taylor Swift or Phoebe Bridgers on It

By Molly Durawa karma is my boyfriend

Friends of Eleanor Downing, BC ’25, were shocked to find out that none of the top five artists Downing listened to this year were Taylor Swift or Phoebe Bridgers.

“I just feel like I don’t even know who she is anymore,” said Alana Coleman, BC ’25, one of Downing’s suitmates. “I thought she loved those artists. I mean, she went as Phoebe Bridgers on the cover of Punisher for Halloween—was that just a ruse?”

Downing, who claimed her costume was

December 2022

“literally just a T-shirt with a skeleton on it,” told the Fed that she believes the backlash is unwarranted.

“It’s not like I dislike Taylor Swift or Phoebe Bridgers—I just listen to some other artists more.

I don’t get why this is such a big deal,” she told the Fed. “I’m with her,” said Matt Novak, CC ’24. Novak, who interrupted our interview unprompted, expressed his frustration with “Swiftie culture” on campus. “People act like Taylor Swift is this incredible artist and base their entire personalities around her as if she weren’t a generic pop singer

too basic or not basic enough?

churning out Top 40 hits. Maybe they should take a deeper look at themselves before judging others,” said Novak, whose top five artists were Radiohead, Eminem, Maroon 5, and the La La Land Soundtrack, in that order.

Since learning of her top artists, Downing’s friends have reflected on their history with her in a new light. “I just keep kicking myself for not recognizing the signs earlier,” said Coleman. “We listened to ‘All Too Well (10 Minute Version)’ and ‘Moon Song’ together consecutively one night, and Eleanor didn’t cry once. I should have realized then that something was wrong.”

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Volume XL Issue 3