Halloween Issue 2024

Volume XLII • Issue 2 • October 2024

Columbia's Only Newspaper Whose Mom Made Them Wear A Jacket Over Their Costume

THE TEAM

EDITORIAL BOARD

GENERAL BOARD

Feditors-in-Chief

Publisher/Treasurer Fenway Donegan

Olivia Ruble Dani Winkler

Managing Editors Sylvi Stein Izzy Szyfer Head Submissions Editors Oliver Green Ashley Rapp

Head Layout Editor Ella Diaz

fork and blind-worm’s sting; Lion leg and pigeon’s wing. For a charm of powerful

STAFF

Staff Artists June Frankel Stella Fusaro Leah Gonzalez-Diaz Yukta Jeetendra Sant Ava Lyon-Sereno Gilda Pretolani Alejandro Rojas Stella Turowsky-Ganci Copy Editors Tommy Barton Sophia Brown Jem Hanan Eliana Jeong Hannah Lui Ava Lyon-Sereno Clara Neilson-Papish Julia Ryan Valerie Sofia Rahman Yum Cora Selzer Ruth Shikanov Sophia Strandberg

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Double, double, toil and trouble! Bagel burn and coffee bubble; Fillet of a riverside squirrel, in the John Jay single-use toilet gurgle and whirl. Eye of newt and toe of

Online Editor Elena Lukac

Submissions Editors Sasha Maroulis Bayan Shimizu Aron Shklar Zoe Silverman Beau Gantz Ava Young-Stoner

Dear Reader,

Head Copy Editor Aron Shklar

Social Media Editors Zoe Silverman Inica Kotasthane

Arts Editor Dani Rivera

Letter from the Feditors Birkenstock clog; wool of over-priced cable-knit and tongue of yappy dog. Armstrong’s

trouble, like a hell-broth boil and bubble!

Ye who cower at cobwebs and shrink at scaffolding, come hither! The Columbia Federalist has been brewing up something real spooky for you this issue. Men in Hewitt! Schermerhorn Extension! Sidechat! And the scariest thing of all… The Election. Regardless of your political affiliation (KHive, JSteinLuvr, RFK’s Brain Worm), we’ve got political content to make you shake and shiver in your sexy little

Senior Editor Bayan Shimizu Layout Editors Ella Lehrich Nathan Yuan Kamtoya Okeke Ruth Shikanov Staff Writers Olin Bose Colette Carbonara James Coppersmith Ella Diaz Beau Gantz Inica Kotasthane Connor Lee Gabrielle Linder Elena Lukac Ava Lyon-Sereno Sasha Maroulis Livy Molko Julia Ryan Reza Shayesteh Bayan Shimizu Aron Shklar Zoe Silverman Liam Smith Stella Turowsky-Ganci Victor Uceda-Sosa Kimberly Wing Quinn Snyder

knee-high boots.

If the campus publications were dressing up as the royal court (wait…group costume next year?), we’d surely be the jester. So sit back, relax, and open up The Fed’s annual Halloween Issue, made even more frightening by the crumbling of our cherished political institutions and systems.

We’d send you off with a kiss, but our plastic fangs would get in the way. GoodBOO for now! Happy reading!

Your Feditors-in-Chief, Dani Winkler and Olivia Ruble

TABLE OF CONTENTS Page 1: nightmare fuel Page 2: ¡estás aquí!

Page 3:*long-suffering sigh* Page 4: ghost of Columbia past?

Page 5: the struggle is real Page 6: advice for freshmen Page 7: welcoming...

Page 8: *shudders in fear* Page 9: LETS GET IT STARTED Page 10: accessible campus (news)!

Page 11: gettin it hot (like papa john) Page 12: super fun art luv u dani

welcome back ghouls

Page 13: guys dani is amazingggg Page 14: gjklasdjfhas Page 15: my! pitch! is! perfect!

Page 16: gooood riddaaance Page 17: ban men from campus plz Page 18: crowds r NOT overwhelming Page 19: take that, screenagers Page 20: 1 step forward 999 steps back Page 21: spooky stuff man Page 22: i hate it here Page 23: tricks & treats!

Page 24: join the cult!!! or else!!!

Volume XLII Issue 2

can i phone a friend?

HELP! I Need To Make A Playlist To Impress A WBAR Baddie

By Gabrielle Linder plz help im desperate

Normally when I go for a depressed bisexual girl, I can just throw some Julien Baker and 070 Shake into the playlist, but that won’t cut it at WBAR. We are dealing with the cream of the alternative crop: indie bitches vetted by even indier bitches.

I tried adding some Fiona Apple—I even sprinkled in a mention of her longtime lesbian roommate—but apparently TikTok made her too mainstream. Don’t even get me started on Mitski.

Grimes is canceled now; I also really dropped the ball when I didn’t know about either Azealia Banks’ or Jemima Kirke’s Instagram stories.

I tried to listen in on a few of their shows, but Shazam had no clue what it was hearing… Needless to say, I welcome all advice.

Serious inquiries only please, as I need to prove I’m cool enough to be her plus one at the winter formal and I already thrifted my outfit (no tags).

Dani Rivera/Arts Editor

REGRET: I Made My ID Photo a “Silly One” and Now Can’t Enter Campus Without Sticking My Tongue Out

By Oliver Green being too silly is a real thing y’all

Oh, how I wish I could go back to the day when I clicked that little “Upload Photo” box on SSOL. It seemed so innocent, just begging me to have some fun with it. Wouldn’t it be hilarious if I took a “silly one” for my ID card photo? Haha! Boy, was I wrong…

Now, every time I try to swipe into campus and flash Public Safety my ID photo, I get stopped in my tracks. The security guard’s eyes linger on my photo and he furrows his brow. “This is

you?” he asks. I sigh, and, reluctantly, go through my (now daily) routine. I stick out my tongue, wink one eye, keep the other one wide open, raise my eyebrows, puff up my cheeks, wiggle my ears, and stick my neck as far forward as I can. The guard then glances at the photo again, and says, “Ah, I see, you’re good to go.”

Future freshmen, I implore you: if you want to be able to go to JJ’s without putting on a goofy little show for Public Safety, do NOT make your ID photo a “silly one!”

I Lived It: Walking Past the John Jay Fan With a Salad

By Clara Neilson-Papish this deserves a pulitzer Salad in hand Walked by the fan

Wind in my hair

Then came a scare Lettuce leaves flew Carrot strips too Thrown across floor Salad no more

Dani Rivera/Arts Editor

October 2024

it’s been a rough start to the semester to say the least

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Students Beware! The Spirits of the Bottle Graveyard Will Haunt You

By Inica Kotasthane

ooOooOOo

As Hallow’s Eve crawls closer, the bottles on your windowsill might unearth some nightmares. The bottles on your window serve as pleasant decor year-round, but when Halloween comes the evil spirits reawaken. At every corner, a spirit will await you with an embarrassing memory of Halloween’s past.

The giant Pink Whitney bottle, gifted by your friend’s roommate at the pre-game, evokes the memory of throwing up in the

dorm hallway. You barely made it out the door before succumbing to rosy waves of nausea.

It doesn’t help your dignity (or your stomach) that the daily morning walk to the bathroom crosses paths with the site of your near-death encounter, sending you back to that horrific night.

The stack of BuzzBallz (#WomenOwnedBusiness), casting an eerie blood-red glow throughout your room, reminds you of the mind-numbing Sunday

Top Five Places on Campus to Hack Up a Lung this Flu Season!

By Lizzie Olson

We legally can’t stop you!

Flu season is almost upon us and it’s coming up just as we’re leaving mysterious-illness-that-we-all-pretended-was-not-covid season; I know we’re all looking for an empty spot on campus where you can feel free to open-mouth cough between lectures! For all those tickles in your throat that you hold in awkwardly for an hour, here are the best spots to let it all out: 1. The Basement Bathroom of St. Paul’s Chapel: Great ambiance down there, and the acoustics…truly can’t be beat!

2. That Weird Little Platform between Floors 4 and 5 of Lerner Ramps: I’m pretty sure that thing exists outside of the space-time continuum, so any germs will probably be sucked into the void. Win! 3 . A n 8 : 4 0 t h a t D o e s n’ t Ta k e Attendance: The only person you’ll be at risk of infecting is the professor (and maybe a grad student if they show up).

4. Anywhere in Kent: Genuinely can’t figure out if this building is closed or not, so you’re probably all good.

5. Right Behind My Head in a 175 Person Lecture: No worries! It’s actually totally cool that you still came to class today without a mask and chose to sit right behind me.

There are like a million open seats not in my vicinity, truly love your enthusiasm for learning!

haunting...

hangover you endured while finishing your PSET due that night.

And we cannot forget the corner-store shooters of Fireball collecting dust by your headboard that were hidden in your left boot and in your underboob as you showed the bouncer your fake. You remember drinking them in the Mel’s bathroom (RIP) but not much after that…

Nothing is scarier than hangxiety…

Boo!

Dear Fed: I am SO Not Locked In

By Izzy Szyfer

It’s joever

Dear Fed, Here we are, week number whatever of the semester, and I have a confession to make. I am not locked in. Like, at all, dude. I’m not grinding, hustling, or moving in silence. In fact, I’m so not locked in, I’m locked out - I need to go to Hartley to get a temporary key! All this is to say, I can’t for the life of me lock in. Any advice?

Dear Fed: I am Locked In

By Izzy Szyfer womp womp

Uh, hello? Anyone there? It’s me. I’m locked in the library. I just got an email saying they were closing all buildings starting at 7 PM, but it wasn’t sent until 7:54, and by the time I tried to get out, the doors were all locked.

Anyways, I’m stuck and I don’t know what else to do except call out from the stacks to my favorite campus satire publication for their imminent and speedy assistance. Wait, Mr. Federalist, why are you smiling at me through the skylight? Did you…did you do this? Because of…that stupid letter I wrote?

It was a joke – like, because of the phrase “locked in”? Wait, no, don’t go! Don’t leave me here with my half-finished assignments! Come baaaaaaaaacckkkkkk!!!!

Dani Rivera/Arts Editor

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in my menace era...

Volume XLII Issue 2

National Shortage?

BREAKING: Poll Reveals 99% of Undecided Mail-In Voters Just Can’t Seem to Find a Pen Anywhere

By Oliver Green CCSC more important anyways

According to newly released data from the Pew Research Center, 99% of undecided voters who haven’t yet filled out their mail-in ballots for the 2024 Presidential Election “just can’t seem to find a pen anywhere!” In fact, this same 99% were also reported as saying, “I don’t live under a rock, of course I’ve made up my mind – are you insane?

But where the hell are people getting these pens?”

It seems these voters have found it utterly impossible to find a blue or black pen with which they can fill out their mail-in ballots.

These undecided voters have reported visiting stores only to find rav-

New York’s Hottest Club is: Getting a Thanksgiving Invite From Your Parents

By Ashley Rapp

no need to brag!!!

Club promoter “Parents Weekend” is back, with an all-new atmosphere for cultivating familial longing.

It’s that thing where your parents never invite you home because it’s not ‘worth it for just a few days’ but this recent Homecoming has kinda touched their hearts so now they are, like, actually considering that home coming plane ticket. Anyways…

This place has everything: your uncle who wants to show you his vape so damn bad (he swears it’s basically nicotine-free despite hitting it every few minutes); your Grandpa who is still obsessed with explaining why ‘Sleepy Joe’ isn’t America’s best option right now; that one girl who bullied you in elementary school; a rundown Dunkin Donuts where your father will force you to do an impossible, unreasonable return.

Ashley Rapp/Head Submissions Editor

October 2024

aged, empty pen shelves, and have been repeatedly turned down by friends when asking to borrow one for “just five minutes.” The Fed tracked down one of these voters for an in-person interview, only for them to take a flying lunge at our reporter, who happened to have a ballpoint pen sticking out of their back pocket. Our reporter stumbled and fell, shattering the pen and splattering ink everywhere, at which point the undecided voter froze and broke into tears. “Aw man, all I wanted was to write in Moo Deng for President,” he sobbed. Don’t miss your chance to vote, be sure to register for a black pen before the 2028 election!

Rejected Phrases From the Barnard Jenny Holzer Bench

By Izzy Szyfer leaked...

Have you ever walked by that silly little marble bench while you’re on the way to take up too much space at Milstein’s tiny tables? Ever noticed that the bench has cute sayings on it like “Stupid people shouldn’t breed”? Turns out the bench isn’t just for sitting! In fact, it’s an experimental piece by the artist Jenny Holzer (who’s not even a Barnard alum???).

The Fed sent reporters to raid her studio to find the phrases she was originally brainstorming to use for that bench! Here’s the scoop: - You’re never as funny as you think you are - Those loafers will ruin your feet - Your lucky numbers are: 23 12 43 59 50 32 - “Lost in New York? How’d you get lost in New York? It’s a grid system, motherfucker! Where you at? 24th and 5th? Where you wanna go? 35th and 6th? 11 up and one over, you simple bitch!”

- Seriously, don’t buy those loafers - Do do da da goo goo ga ga boo boo ba ba - Noo don’t kill yourself your so sexy aha - Eugenics is a noble hobby, okay?

Want to see any of the above carved in stone? For the low, low price of 750,000 USD, the Fed will hire our very own stonemason, just for you and whatever nonsense you want on a bench! Luv ya! :)

hugs to my estranged baddies

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Fun Activities to do with Hair in the Shared Showers

By Tvisha Agarwal, Atreyi Basu, Puck Carlson, Maya Palchuk, Julia Ryan reduce, reuse, recycle

LISTen up!

Awesome Ways to Cheat On Your Midterm This Fall

By Valerie Rahman Yum

not condoned by The Fed (wink wink)

1. Explore new textures! The hair clumps clogging the drain provide an excellent shower sensory experience. Wiggle your toes in luscious strands as you shampoo!

1. Wear a short sleeved shirt. The whole point of cheating is to give yourself a leg up, and you’ll be able to clearly see your notes by doing this. Besides, wearing a hoodie to cover the writing on your arm would only make it seem more sus.

2. Go glam! Try out some fun new hairstyles. A goatee? A pubestache? Some rockin’ sideburns? Sky’s the limit! Thread your eyebrows, pop on some lashes, and twist some new hair extensions. You’ll step out of the shower looking like a brand new person.

2. Sit in the front row. This way, you’ll be able to throw your TAs off. They will whisper amongst themselves, thinking “if she wanted to cheat, why wouldn’t she sit in any other one of the fifty rows available?” This is guaranteed to buy you extra time.

3. Embrace your artistic side!

Experiment with a new medium: Ava Lyon-Sereno/Staff Artist wet hair on shower wall. Picasso who?

8. Gifts galore! A specially picked clump of hair makes for the per4. Traditional Swedish hairwork fect gift to woo your professor jewelry! Need I say more? during office hours. For your hallmates, try fashioning the hair 5. Upkeep your hygiene! Floss strands into cute matching friendthose pearly whites, assemble a ship bracelets! If you want to go makeshift loofah to exfoliate your the extra mile, try sorting the pores, or knit a headband to keep hairs out and returning them to your hair out of your face when their rightful head. A good deed you do your skincare. done is a good deed won!

6. Sample some local cuisine!

Delicious flavors, a mix of shampoos and conditioners, the delicate palate can even detect the whiff of fresh air from the John Jay AC.

9. Throw it out in the trash. Be respectful of the shared shower space and make sure to collect any hair left behind with a paper towel so that everyone can enjoy their shower experience.

7. Craft a Barnard-worthy fit! A pair of sexy new fishnets? A comfy sweater to fight the bitter NYC winter? A soft pair of slippers to wear in the dorm at night? Earn the title of “baddie” using nothing but the work of your hands. and the hair of your shower.

SIKE!

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10. Send it over to Spec! Little known fact: The Spectator welcomes submissions of wet hair from your shower drain! Be sure to send over any leftovers, along with our regards.

3. Give yourself a mullet and put an AirPod in not one, but both ears. Make sure to blast the recording of the essay you pre-wrote last night at full volume to ensure that you can hear yourself clearly. Bonus points if you can use the giga-sized Apple AirPods Max in the green or pink colors. This will help make cheating wayyyy more subtle.

4. Discuss your take-home exam right outside of Butler. Deemed as one of the quietest places on campus that’s furthest away from any freshman dorm, freaking out at this spot will decrease the likelihood that one of your opps can report you to your professor. Besides, takehome exams are basically your professor’s way of encouraging collaboration in and outside of the classroom!

5. If you’re a math major, put your iPhone behind a sexy, hot-pink Ti-84 and take a photo of the problems assigned. Don’t worry, Photomath will do the rest. Oh, and make sure to use flash to get the highest quality image possible.

6. If you’re an American Politics major, write the 1st and 14th amendment on your arm in black ink. Extra kudos if you manage to legibly squeeze in the diagram of how the legislative, executive, and judicial branch are able to check each others’ power, cuz that one’s a real toughie. If this fails, you can easily play it off as a tattoo—just say that you really, really care about your constitutional rights, duh!

all actions are your own!!!

Volume XLII Issue 2

Democracy Wins Again!

Harris Campaign Accidentally Hired Social Media Manager Who Just Awoke from 2013 Coma

By Ashley Rapp

only presidential campaign with a MySpace

Presidential candidate Kamala Harris’s social media campaign seems to have taken a different direction recently, drawing attention to her newest social media team member, a “Mrs. Styles.” Her latest additions to the @KamalaHQ Instagram bio include: - Lost? Follow my campaign!

- Turn that button - Doug Tim Gwen Lil’ Sister Lieutenant - I’m not the shortest Presidential nominee, I’m fun-sized - Vote? Vote.

It wasn’t until we sat down with “Mrs. Styles” that we realized what exactly was going on. “She arrived at our interview wearing a floral high-low dress, infinity scarf, and wedge sneakers” reports our Federalist interviewer, further clarifying, “Eventually the topic of her recent Ashley Rapp/Head Submissions Editor coma came up. It appears she hadn’t been conscious since 2013.”

When we asked her fellow social media manager if they had re- mustache necklace was probably not post-modern and meta.” alized something may have been up, she explained, “Honestly, with all Unfortunately, it appears “Mrs. Styles’” termination is imminent the CharliXCX hype I really didn’t realize she was exclusively fangirling following her recent post on the @KamalaHQ TikTok calling for particto Boom Clap.” However, she admitted that “In hindsight, her ipation in the “Slenderman Challenge.”

👣 💙 💚 💍 👯 💃

💂

😋🍬

HalloWEAKend OUT, HallowSTRONGend IN: The Fed’s Guide to Bulking Up This October 31st

By Federalist Staff

tip: buy your pumpkins in bulk

Stella Chiara Fusaro/Staff Artist

Hey you! Sick of being just another one of those lanky dweebs who blends into the background of every Halloweekend party? Every second wasted on school work or self care is a second you could spend pumping iron and getting huge! Well fear not, my friend, we at The Fed have a perfect 8-step exercise routine to make sure you get absolutely shredded this Halloweekend.

1. Scaffolding pull-ups: when you’re waiting in the insane line to get into Slate, might as well get some reps in (est. 45 mins/20 sets) 2. Cowboy crunches: every time you see someone with a cowboy hat of some sort, drop and give me 10 crunches! You’ll have washboard abs within an hour. (est. 5,000 sets) 3. Eat an entire fucking pumpkin.

6. Spooky bench press: have your friend select a mystery weight 4. Squat shots: You know the classic Fed motto: when you take and bench it. Scary! (est. 3 sets / 10 reps) a shot, you gotta hit that squat! (est.

7. Don’t worry, I’ve got some more pumpkins for you. I know 20 for the weekend) you wanna eat that shit up.

5. Eat another pumpkin. You know you enjoyed it, you freak.

8. Walking dead-lifts: dress up as a zombie and grab people at Feel that sweet pumpkin protein go straight to your lats. That’s the stuff. the party to deadlift them quickly (est. 1 set before you get kicked out)

October 2024

#slay

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diagnosis alert

Sidechat User Is Added To The DSM-5

By Ava Lyon-Sereno

worryingly close to 12k karma

In a stunning recent report, the American Psychiatric Association announced that the diagnosis of “Sidechat User” would be added to the next update of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), the most widely used handbook of mental disorders by health-

care professionals in the United States.

“Yeah, these little freaks have serious issues,” one scientist remarked.

“The number of new cases is astounding.”

Characterized by a constant need for attention, an evident disconnect from reality, a compulsion to ask, “Is Barnard part of Columbia?” and a habit of starting internet beef for no

reason, the symptoms are indeed dire.

While this disorder seems severe, there’s still hope.

“While no outright cure exists yet, preliminary studies show that exposure to sunlight and physical contact with grass can relieve the worst symptoms, though it is unable to fully reverse the effects of Sidechat-induced brain rot. These therapeutic interven-

tions also cannot give you back all the time spent on the app,” said another researcher.

If you know someone that suffers from “Sidechat User”, they may benefit from these experimental treatments!

Spooky! Your Professor Just Said I Got My Something About a ‘Discussion Section?’ Foot Tickled

By Oliver Green

why did nobody tell me

ing midterm, yet you are still haunted by the phantom of a discussion section that has risen from the dead.

Why did no one mention this before? How is this the first time you’re hearing of this? Can this lingering ghost of a discussion section be banished to the afterlife? Does Columbia Health have an exorcist for this sort of thing? Chilling, indeed.

Stella Chiara Fusaro, Staff Artist

As Halloween approaches, you’re finally able to shift out of midterm mode and anticipate a fun weekend of costumes and parties. You brace yourself for spooky sightings of black cats, frightening ghouls, and jack o’ lanterns.

Unfortunately, no one could prepare you for the spookiest surprise of all: that required

weekly discussion section you never signed up for. You’re snapped out of your in-class daze when your professor says something about a “discussion section.”

A chill rushes down your spine. Surely this is a nightmare, you think to yourself, Freddie Kreuger will be showing up any second now. You’re covered in goosebumps. You triumphed over the frighten-

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based on the TRUE STORY

During the Jiu-Jitsu Free Trial Period

By Federalist Staff ...and I liked it

With Halloween right around the corner, it is only appropriate that I share a spooky story that rattled me to the bone. It all began one fateful Monday evening. I had gone to the previous three jiu-jitsu classes during the free trial period, hoping to discover a hidden talent I had overlooked my whole life. It was the last class before the trial period ended and I had to decide whether I would fork over $130 to wrestle my friends. This was the jiu-jitsu club’s final chance to convince me to risk ringworm and cauliflower ear.

It started out smoothly enough. We did the usual tackling and tumbling.

At one point, pinned down with my stomach vulnerable, I began to wonder, could tickling be a valid jiu-jitsu move? I pondered this and decided to ask an expert. “Why don’t we try it out?” they replied. That’s when it happened: one moment I was asking an innocent question and next I was in a leglock having my foot tickled. Suffice to say, I did not pay the club fees.

Volume XLII Issue 2

thin walls who??

Ten Best Ways to Use a Study Room

By Zoe Silverman

locked in

Study rooms are essential to a college student’s academic life. How else can I get work done if I am not alone in a four-foot by four-foot cubicle? I like my studying to feel like I’ve just entered corporate America. So here are the ten most efficient ways to utilize a study room: 1. Do your therapy! I love listening to all your personal problems through the very thin Uris walls. Awwwwww your boyfriend doesn’t think you’re funny, tbh listening to your therapy neither do I… 2. Listen to your music out loud while doing your work. It’s so relaxing to hear the muted melodies of Deftones drifting into my workspace.

3. Talk loudly about your sex life with your bestie. I know wayyyyy too much about what you did last night and I’m sorry about that thing he tried at the end.

4. Tune your sax. Don’t get me wrong I love jazz but your saxophone is wayyyy out of tune and you don’t play it very well.

Wannabe Squidward.

5. Bathe your pet rats. They’re so cute when they’re covered in lavender bubble bath! I love to hear the cacophony of their high-pitched squeals and turn to look just in time to see a wet rat scurry into my school bag.

6. Turn the study room into your pottery studio. It’s way too hard to get into the Columbia ceramics course so make your own makeshift studio in Milstein! I bought a vase out of study room 210 last week and it’s a great addition to my space.

7. Create your own hibachi grill. Bring all your favorite toppings from H mart and a portable grill and get those flames going!

Bonus points if you do it Benihana style and create a beating heart out of fried rice or throw a shrimp into someone’s hat.

8. Throw a party. Dorm parties are soooo overrated and Armstrong is so over them, if you want to keg stand with Rosenbury start sending out Posh VIPs for a Butler study room rager immediately!

9. Put your tattoo skills to use and open your own tattoo parlor. It’s time to put those notebook sketches onto someone’s

Ashley Rapp/Head Submissions Editor

body permanently! Book a study room at one am and open the underground tattoo parlor of your dreams… I heard Chef Mike is on the lookout for an addition to his sleeve.

10. Slip and slide!!!! The people want to splash around in speedos with Dean Josef Sorett. Slipping and sliding through the study rooms of the Social Work Library is on everyone’s bucket list. So you use your study room reservation wisely and make it happen.

Funniest Outcome Possible: Trump to Drop Out of Presidential Race, Battle Hillary Clinton in NYC Mayoral Race

By Dani Winkler enemies to lovers???

On Sunday, former President Donald Trump announced that he was dropping out of the upcoming presidential election. Instead, Trump will be switching races to run for the seat of NYC mayor in the special election to replace Eric Adams. The move comes at a critical point in the mayoral election cycle: just two weeks ago, former Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton announced that she, too, would be running for the same seat.

Trump’s involvement in the special election appears indicative of a larger pattern of proximal placement to his former opponent. Photographed by paparazzi in 2018 following Clinton around the Union Sq. Trader Joes, and in 2021 sniffing her hair during President Joe Biden’s inauguration, it seems as though Trump is, well, obsessed with that diva. With this announcement, it seems that the former President is entering not only the ring, but also the frame of Clinton’s front-door Ring camera as well.

Dani Rivera/Arts Editor

October 2024

so much for working at McDonald’s

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KNOW YOUR RIGHTS: No One Can Stop You From Farting in Butler

By Beau Gantz As tensions on campus heighten and the administration furthers their crackdown on student groups, guests on campus, and security protocols, it’s essential that you, as a student, are aware of your civil liberties: including that it is your right as a student to rip crazy ass in Butler Library.

THERE ARE NO ACTUAL RULES ON THIS! While certain rooms in Butler have policies that limit conversation (think the quiet reading rooms), NO POLICY forbids you from roasting vicious beef whenever you feel inclined (or compelled). You alone have the right to choose when, where, and how loud you blow your trumpet. Anyone who tells you otherwise is misguided at best; at worst, they may be actively infringing on your civil liberties. We suggest getting any and all of these incidents on video for your own protection.

Here’s an example of a possible interchange between a freedom-loving student and a totalitarian authority: STUDENT: (flatulates) LIBRARY WORKER: Sir, please stop, or we will have to ask you to leave.

What should you do in this situation? Here’s the Fed’s guide to navigating this encounter.

OPTION 1: STUDENT: You don’t know any-

silent but deadly

thing, actually, and it’s illegal for you to say that to me. What’s your badge number?

This response clearly indicates that the student is an informed citizen and warns the library worker that this individual knows their rights.

OPTION 2 : STUDENT: That was not me. You cannot prove that it was me. I will not talk without my lawyer.

Reminder: You are innocent until proven guilty. Forensic science is very flaky on fart-tracing technology, so you can almost always plausibly claim that you never baked any brownies whatsoever.

it.

OPTION 3: STUDENT: Whoever smelt it dealt

This should be used only as a last resort, as it opens you to a series of counterclaims that could complicate the encounter and potentially implicate you in the deed. Be extremely cautious when employing this method. There will be individuals working to stifle your rights and to silence your toots. It is YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to educate yourself on your rights and to protect this sacred privilege. Good luck out there, patriot.

Columbia Admin Restricts Access To Entrances; Locks Everyone Out by Mistake

By Sasha Maroulis out in the cold

Oopsies! After the University’s recent decision to return to restricted gate access, the Columbia administration suffered a calamity they did not anticipate: accidentally locking themselves out. That’s right. For the last four days, no one has been able to access Columbia’s campus except for Chef Don, who got locked in and has admitted to subsisting exclusively on Chef Mike’s pre-made cold subs and those little Ferris mints while sleeping in a Uris study room. Columbia’s administration has announced that they will shift to a less restrictive system as soon as possible, thereby creating a space where Columbia students might actually have the wonderful opportunity to access the campus they are paying for. How thoughtful!

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Big Stinkers!

Columbia to rename Red-Tailed Hawk to “Tuah” Following Student Body Vote

By Dani Rivera

vote on that thang?

Following a historic vote, Columbia University has decided that one of its beloved red-tail hawks will now be known as “Tuah.” The Columbia University Student Government held a vote amongst the student body, which resulted in a 98% yes vote, with a total of 69% of the student body showing up to the polls.

“I’m shocked, truly,” said Interim President Katrina Armstrong when asked to comment. “I never expected the student body to come to an agreement on anything so early into my presidency.”

Rumor has it that student councils will soon begin a fundraiser

Ashley Rapp/Head Submissions Editor

to have Tuah, the red-tailed hawk, as a guest on the Talk Tuah podcast. As always, the Fed will be there to report on any legendary updates.

How to Have the Best Halloweekend in the City

By Gabrielle Linder lives at Phebes...

1. Go out with a group of at least ten friends. Having so many people together will make it easier to keep an eye on everyone. Besides, you pretty much have a perfect group. You’ve all been best friends for almost two whole months; there’s no way anyone will hate each other by the end of the night.

2. Ask your situationship to wear a couple’s costume. It’s a guaranteed way to take your relationship (that is definitely not a relationship) to the next level, and they’ll love it. They definitely want to hang out with your friends, and there’s no way they’ll be put off at all by the idea of displaying any sort of attachment towards you in public. (Pro tip: buy the costumes before asking, so you can approach them with a proof of concept. Makes it much harder to say no!)

3. Only go to the parties you have to pay for—the more expensive, the better. You want your Halloween to be exclusive. You don’t want to be surrounded by broke city locals, you want to be handed a rolledup twenty by a Stern trust-fund transplant who has an ongoing tab on Daddy’s Amex.

4. If you can’t afford a middle-aged promoter going through his third divorce to show you a good time, just make your way to Carman, where all the coolest kids are bound to be.

5. Order all your costumes off Amazon two nights before. They’ll definitely all arrive in time, and I’m sure no one else will be dressed like an angel, or a vampire, or a bunny. Plus, who doesn’t need the same fifteen dollar corset in four different colors?

freshmen listen up!!!

Volume XLII Issue 2

She'll be back...

PrezStrong Reportedly "A Little Too Excited" About Her Minouche Shafik Costume

Barnard to Perform ‘Controlled Burn’ to Reduce Fires in Dormitories

By Julia Ryan

By James Coppersmith same tho

President Armstrong has reportedly been what many call “a little too excited” about the Minouche Shafik Halloween costume she recently put together at Party City. Many of her known associates have reported seeing her try to method act into her role as the character in preparation for Slate this year.

Dean Josef Sorett told all to The Federalist: “I saw her staring into the mirror last night and repeating ‘Dear Members of the Columbia Community,’ over and over.

She has also begun work with a dialogue coach to learn how to say absolutely nothing in the most wordy and eloquent language possible.”

The Federalist asked the staff of Dodge Fitness Center what kinds of exercises she has been doing to mimic the body language of Shafik.

“She’s been doing 3 sets of chest flies daily, and during each rep she shrieks, ‘Close the gates!’ as loudly as possible,” reported one staff member.

In other news, Minouche Shafik herself has been seen in a King George III Halloween costume, singing “You’ll be Back” from Hamilton in the British Parliament bathrooms.

smart!

Barnard administrators have recently unveiled a new program aiming to reduce the quantity and severity of fires in the Quad: an annual ‘controlled burn’ of select dormitories.

Ms. Ashley Vargas, Barnard’s very own Smokey the Bear, states, “Every year, Barnard is wracked by an epidemic of small-scale fires in the dormitories.

Students forget to turn the oven off, they toss their lit cigarettes into trash cans filled with paper, or that cow kicks over a lantern again. We should combine these small, irksome flames into one great big fire and get it all over with.” When pressed for further comment, she added, “What? Oh yeah, sure, we can control it. If you really want to, I guess. Fine.”

The controlled burn, which this year would take place on Sulzberger 7th floor, where the CARES team assessed that the “vibe is off,” will hopefully rid the dorms of understory fuel that often exacerbate fires: looseleaf papers, tissues, mouse nests, beds, sleeping students, and the building itself.

Seeking more answers, the Fed team hit up the CARES office in Barnard Hall. “Next time we turn on that fire alarm, trust, there will be a fire,” stated a campus safety officer (without prompt), building a miniature replica of the quad out of matchsticks. From across the room, another officer hoisted her flamethrower overhead and advised students to promptly exit the building the next time the fire alarm goes off.

Chaparral Biome: “I Would Very Much Like to Be Excluded From This Narrative”

By Dani Winkler

Shrubland speaks out! In an exclusive interview with The Federalist, Chaparral Biome – known for her hot, dry summers and cool, wet winters – has distanced herself from fellow celebrity Chappell Roan. The “Pink Pony Club” singer had gone viral earlier this year for refusing to endorse Democratic nominee Kamala Harris for President, claiming that there were “issues on both sides,” deterring her from publicly aligning with either candidate.

“I felt like I had to set the record straight,” Chaparral Biome explained. “People confuse us all the time, and I get it. We both have red hair, we’re both associated with Los Angeles, we were both at Coachella.” But unlike her doppel-namer, the Mediterranean climate plans on voting in the upcoming election. “This is easily the most important election of my lifetime, and I’ve been around since the early Tertiary period. Frankly, if you’re not encouraging your fans to vote, you’re misusing your platform.” Chaparral has pledged to donate $5,000 dollars to Vice President Harris’s campaign, and she hopes that her public donation will inspire other celebrities and celebrity biomes to do the same. “If you want to be cool in California,” she concluded, “You better get out there and VOTE!”

October 2024

Ava Lyon-Serano/Staff Artist

sand stan

think i wanna kiss ur gf if u don’t mind...

11

They're listening...

President Biden To Become A SoulCycle Instructor Upon Retirement From Public Service

By Quinn Snyder

one last ride...

In his last press conference as the sitting President of the United States, President Biden announced that he had finalized a deal with the fitness company SoulCycle to join the team as a cycling class instructor. SoulCycle beat out the luxurious gym, Equinox (yeah the one your mom goes to with Stacy every Tuesday and Thursday). Additionally, Dodge Fitness Center entered the competitive bidding war for the President’s expertise in stationary cycling but dropped out when Hillary Clinton offered to teach a Zumba class for 16.7% less money.

While President Biden did not share all the details of the contract, he noted that SoulCycle promised him a Chocolate Chip Vanilla protein shake after each lesson as an incentive. It was also reported that SoulCycle was the only bidding company that would allow Biden to wear his (way too) tight bike shorts during his lessons.

While most former presidents go on to write a book or lecture at a college, Biden decided that he wanted to spend his waning years teaching middle-aged women how to “move those hips!” and that it’s his passion to “push these ladies beyond their comfort zone . . . wait I didn’t mean it like that.”

Mr. Biden expressed the appeal of the stationary bike to the reports, whispering into the mic, “Listen, folks, get this, I’m serious, you can’t fall off a stationary bike. It’s awesome!” Starting January 21st, Biden is scheduled to teach the 4:00-4:10 class simulating a slow romantic ride along the beach (with a break in the middle to talk to reporters, of course).

As for Dr. Biden, she plans on taking EMS (emergency medical service) classes at the YMCA.

BREAKING: Barnard Roaches Found With Listening Devices Amidst Free Speech Crackdown

By Dani Rivera

built different

An increasing number of Bold, Beautiful, Bugs have been crawling on Barnard’s campus and residential halls, with Sidechat and your local suite group chat blowing up after each spotting. As always, the Columbia Federalist is here to investigate the people’s concerns. Previous Federalist investigative reporting pointed to the source of these pesky visitors as a classic D-rating sanitation level, or maybe a silly Halloween prank — but it was way deeper and darker than the Fed could ever predict.

Upon inspection of a dead roach, we found a hidden audio recorder on the bug. A bug on a bug. Well done, Laura Rosenbury. Simultaneously cracking down on student organizers, Barnard lesbian drama, and your telehealth therapy sessions—it was all a play on words.

Stella Turowsky-Ganci/Staff Artist

J.D. Vance Gives Exclusive Interview on Abortion: "gbkdfhgiruegfkwh"

By Olivia Ruble gjdckgyhndhjr

Columbia Federalist reporters were lucky to catch Ohio-native, congressman, and vice-president-hopeful J.D. Vance on his way home from the furniture store and asked him a few questions in advance of the general election next Tuesday. Regarding the overturning of Roe v. Wade and abortion rights, Vance stated: “Gbkdfhgirueg fkkasfdnkjas dnfjndsp. I hate women. Slclsf$vn egwksnsjbjs kdnf lsmdfowe jfuwb efljqm@f, lks$d mvopsdimgvoianbln? Ajhbdn abqkshja djhasdj. I wish that I could carry my own children so that they never had to feel the touch of the lesser species (women). Alkfdngoierj ngpemrb oa&ekmv and kmwoe@ fjabe gvja hefKavpsd jfksnj gaalkn, dfglknsfdg klnsfdg kl#njoig.

I bet abortions lowkey taste good. Jfwewfos dnsdjk vpsdofkjsodfpkc. I hate babies, too. nfdjnvpsp dfopsdkofkmd mdklsmk$lslk!!

Sjnfsdk jnds#kjnal. And I hate myself, really. Gmnbv@mwoold djnfjnds&*gfadofk sidfnsld fdksjdjdjjdksn cnndndjsjfjn, cnspoeinnf nsjffjndjnsdfjnfsdjnsfd, gakpdfglk$lakal mkkmsm*xmkdmf.”

What a doozy! This guy clearly knows what he’s talking about.

The Federalist hopes this exclusive information will inform voters as they head to the polls to cast their vote.

June Frankel/Staff Artist

14

shouldn’t roaches be working for the proletariat?

Volume XLII Issue 2

Chat GP-Oopsies

Students Attempt Ritual to Summon Sam Altman, Get Elon Musk Instead

I Lived It: Rejected by Every Acapella Group, and Now They Are Haunting Me

By Aron Shklar

You would think it wouldn’t matter anymore…it’s been a month! That no one remembers you, sitting alone in your room on September 17th at 8 pm sharp, waiting for an aca-knock that never came, even after you waited hopefully for 15 minutes thinking that you probably got it and they are just taking a long time to get to your room, just to receive your rejection email at 8:16. It’s the middle of the year, NSOP is over and you have friends, it’s just water under the bridge…or so I thought.

The first time it happened, I was sitting at my very first Fed meeting—taking in the beauty of a student organization that wouldn’t reject me after a 5-hour callback… …then I heard it.

Doooo Wop, Bop Doooo I looked around the room. Was anyone hearing this?

Dooo Wop, Bowwwww, Doooo Again. I looked to my neighbor, “Do you hear that?”

“Hear what?”

Ahhhhh, Ahhhhh Oooooh!

A vocal riff. This isn’t happening. This can’t be happening…right? Sitting, shaking, I realized it’s the callback cut. That damn callback cut—the one I listened to over and over in that tiny Shapiro jail cell.

I turned back to my neighbor, “You really aren’t hearing th-” …I was no longer in Lerner 569.

The room was dark and damp. Breathing hard, I realized I was alone. Suddenly, there was a thud.

I whipped around to find a single chair, on which was draped a torn-up, dirty, light blue jacket, and a single piece of paper.

Very faintly, as if in the distance, I began to hear something Shhhhhaaaa Boom Badaaadaaaa Ding Dongggggg, Ba Dang A-lang-a-lang Instantly, I was surrounded by bodies, all in black hooded cloaks.

All singing, louder and LOUDER, pushing me towards the chair and the paper, which I now could make out as sheet music!

“SING IT” They chanted “SING IT NOW” I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. I couldn’t sing. “PLEASE” I yelled over the chanting “I’M JUST SICK I SWEAR I CAN SING IT. IT’S THE NSOP FLU I SWEAR IT IS” Then everything went black. I was back in Lerner 569, at the Fed meeting as though nothing had happened.

But I still hear them. I hear that riff every time I walk into Lerner…and, truthfully, I’m still thinking of trying out again next semester—Doo womp womp womp.

artificially unintelligent mean to summon him, and this was all a big misunderstanding. However, their Midterms season is a time of confusion was resolved when Musk, in stress. In response, students try to find a tone of voice that one would use for many ways to cope with the stress. Some a somewhat-dim small child, explained of the most popular strategies include that he had bought the domain of all all-nighters at Butler Library, ingesting tech-bro summoning circles, and this enough caffeine to kill a horse, and, in happens a lot to him, and they should some cases, using OpenAI’s ChatGPT to feel honored to even be in his presence. finally do all those homeworks you didn’t He also added, at least twice, that the stusubmit. However, a group of students dents should drop everything and watch took this last strategy one step further his latest appearance on “The Joe Rogan when they drew a pentagram on the floor Experience.” of their suite and attempted to summon Finally, one student braved to OpenAI creator and CEO, Sam Altman, speak up to the still-bragging Musk and to ask him for help directly. ask if he could just possibly help them Instead, they got Elon Musk, the with their midterms. In response, Musk controversy-loving South African bil- shrugged, told them to use his Grok AI, lionaire CEO of Tesla and SpaceX, em- and then charged the students $500 as battled owner of X (formerly Twitter), his “appearance fee” before walking back and the richest person in the world. The through the pentagram and vanishing. panicking students attempted to quash For the students, it was a baffling their confusion and explain to a com- and horrifying event. For Musk, it was a pletely unfazed Musk that no, they didn’t regular Tuesday.

Chappell Roan Dropped Out of Lesbopalooza so I Dropped Out of Barnard

By Federalist Staff solidarity?

What can I say? She’s your favorite mentally-ill bitch’s favorite mentally-ill bitch, and I can’t help but stan her for it.

Sorry if women having boundaries makes you feel emasculated or cheated out—you should probably talk to someone about that…but not me! We don’t owe you anything just because you think parasocial relationships are legitimate.

Anyway—later losers, I’m off to meet with my therapist to figure out what on earth I’m doing for the rest of my life. And figure out what I’m doing about the election.

Maybe I’ll just leave the planet… (and you! can't! come!)

October 2024

By Federalist Staff aca-ward!

draw the blinds... light every candle...

15

who else loves day-of costumes...

Pest Control Took My Roommate Away

Fed’s Guide to Hottest Halloween Costumes

By Leah Gonzalez-Diaz

It’s that time of year again… your Butler crush has seen you in full cruddy midterms glory, that one JJs guy knows you by name, and your fall wardrobe is in freefall thanks to climate change. No worries!

We at the Fed are here with a guide to spice up your spooky season with the hottest looks for this Halloween.

Hooda Halal right from the cart at two A.M. Nothing sexier than extra white sauce on chicken over rice! Throw on the most neon orange thing you own and stuff extra napkins in your pocket, and you’ll look the part.

The Butler tropical breeze. You’ll be the one warm spot in everyone’s day with this costume! You just need a fan and a lot of hot air.

The view from an EC suite. What’s hotter than a good housing lottery number?

All this costume requires is luck and a Columbia ID.

oops?

The world is a wretched and godforsaken place that will take away anything you hold near and dear to your heart in an instant. An orange slip of paper taped onto my dorm room door was the only warning I was granted. And the moment my eyes laid upon it, everything would change.

I swallowed and stared at it. Something appeared to be wrong. Something was wrong. My shaky hand drifted towards the tangerine harbinger of death and gingerly peeled it off. “Work Order—Pest control,” it read.

I was thoroughly confused—my roommate and I never dealt with vermin. And so, I opened the door, only to find our room untouched. Was it all a mistake?

A work order notice haphazardly placed on the wrong door? And then it all clicked together in a fantastical, mind-boggling epiphany.

It was the way she would scurry around the floor. How she was particularly attracted to the trash I hadn’t taken out yet. “Just one more day,” she would insist. Her fondness of the day-old bowls of spicy Buldak ramen littering the room. How she insisted we never buy a mini fridge. How I could never seem to find the occasional source of buzzing in our room. How she would never sleep in her bed, but instead under it, behind her clothes cabinets.

I pulled out my phone and checked Find my iPhone for my roommate’s location. It had mysteriously disappeared. My worst fears were confirmed. There was no vermin— it was her all along. Now, faced with the grave and deafening silence of a world without her, it finally hit me. She was really, truly gone.

Ever since her disappearance, I’ve missed my roommate and her odd habits. Maybe it was for the better that it all happened so suddenly, more painlessly. For now, each whiff of the lingering smell of Raid in the dorm will only serve to remind me of the now-lost sweet moments we once spent together.

Yukta Jeetendra Sant/Staff Artist

16

By Sylvi Stein

we gotchu bae

Stella Turowsky-Ganci /Staff Artist

The Great God Pan statue from outside Lewisohn. Fantastic if you’re on a budget! Whip off your shirt and drape yourself around the lawns in a sort of enticing and casual way; you’ll have visiting tours scrambling for a photo in no time.

Classy, smart, cool, fun satirical writer.

Just submit to the Fed. Nothing else this costume requires.

We’ve Heard Your Feedback, and We’ve Decided to Change Absolutely Nothing

By Beau Gantz

Dear members of the Columbia community:

#listeningtostudentvoices

I am writing to you to share with you how we are thinking about recent events regarding public access and heightened security presence on campus. An overwhelming majority of students and faculty in the Columbia community have expressed disapproval and disappointment with the way we have effectively cut off the University from the rest of New York City, which is not only Columbia’s home, but its greatest resource and closest ally. This relationship is a defining characteristic of our University, and nearly everyone agrees that sequestering ourselves from the city is harmful and counterproductive.

With this in mind, I am proudly announcing that we are changing absolutely nothing regarding public access to campus. The daring choice to stay exactly the same may be universally unpopular, but I will not let that stop me from doing what is absolutely easiest. I’m reminded of an old adage from my upbringing in Alabama: “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Or even if it is, honestly. Just because it is broke doesn’t mean you have to fix it.

It’s a free country. Y’all can do whatever you want.”

However, we are making some extremely important modifications to the current system: - The colors are letters now - Everything else is the same I truly hope that this period of stagnation will allow us to further grow as a community.

All the same, Katrina Armstrong wow so helpful!!

Volume XLII Issue 2

*sigh* men... am i right

HELP: I’m Being Haunted by the Ghost Of Gorsuch

By Ella Diaz

the horror!

myself in the mirror, I see him—staring right back at me. For every Fed that leaves my fingertips, I see him, a bright-eyed student, passing out his pamphlets. Time traveling, supernatural forces (and my basic human empathy) aside, he too was once just a student at Columbia contributing to The Fed. Perhaps, if given the tools (Adobe InDesign) he, too, would spend many a night hyper-fixating on the layout of the next print edition.

And so as I lay here writing this—alone in my bed, surrounded by dark, shivering after my recurring nightmare—a singularly horrifying thought possesses me.

Neil Gorsuch is distinctly not dead. However, his legacy of The Fed takes up enough of my time and sanity that I must question his inadvertent influence on my life. I’m becoming intrigued about who Neil is—and isn’t that a spooky thought?

Instead of working on my archeology presentation, I’m reading through his Wikipedia page and scrolling on Oyez. I’m having violent flashbacks to high school, all centered around my constitutional law competition team.

I’ve learned more today about the extent to which our civil rights are threatened and protected than in any class I’ve ever taken… and I’m an American Am I doomed to the life of a Supreme Studies major.

The scariest part about this whole Court justice? thing, though, is that when I look at Yukta Jeetendra Sant/Staff Artist

Columbia Men Attempting Entry Into Hewitt Dining Hall Asked to Name a Woman: Here’s What They Said

By Stella Turowsky-Ganci

your barnard gf does NOT count!!!

Due to limited seating in the Barnard dining hall, Hewitt, as well as an overwhelming number of complaints by frustrated Barnard students, steps are being taken to limit the number of Columbia University students, mainly men, from entering the women’s college dining hall.

Although it has been decided that fully barring Columbia males from entering would be against the university’s discrimination policy, Barnard College higher-ups have found creative ways to tackle this issue, one of which poses a simple question: All Columbia men must do to enter is name one woman. That’s it! Pretty simple, right? Today, we are counting down our top responses.

(3) Interviewer: Name a woman Columbia Man: What?

Interviewer: Name a woman Columbia Man: Why? Interviewer: Name a woman Columbia Man: Just, like, any woman?

Interviewer: Yes Columbia Man: …. …. why

(2) Interviewer: Name a woman Columbia Man: Uhhh hahaha Interviewer: Please, name a woman. Literally any woman Columbia Man: Like… uhhh………….like

(1) Interviewer: Name a woman Columbia Man: But what is a woman really?

Interviewer: Come on in! (they are gonna sacrifice him to the flame station gods)

(This subject then went back to Ferris, where he belongs.)

Ava Lyon-Sereno/Staff Artist

October 2024

no space is safe or sacred these days...

17

do not come here i beg of thee

Increase Number of Tours So I Can Keep Feeling Superior At Them

By Victor Uceda-Sosa

good luck getting in!

There’s nothing quite like the rush of walking past a group of hopeful students and jealous parents, knowing I’m better than them because I go here and they don’t. I’m addicted to the feeling; sometimes I walk laps around them in full Columbia merch just to make sure they know I go here – that I’m not one of them. I exult in the way parents narrow their eyes at me, pretending to be annoyed while really wishing I was their child instead.

Yes, I still remember the feeling of being in one of those tour groups. Glaring at my competition. I used to be like you, I think to myself. Then, I ascended: some guy – maybe even Captain Bayonne – read my application and decided to admit me. And that makes me an objectively better person. I smirk.

There’s just one problem with this arrangement: it’s not enough.

No, not nearly enough. How else am I meant to recover after taking a bad test? Where else am I meant to go when I’m feeling down? Back to Europe? I already did that this week. This is all I have. Well, this and a trust fund my dad gave me. And a building with my last name on it.

Dear Columbia Admissions, please increase the number of stressed-out highschoolers on campus with faux-enthusiastic parents who pretend to be engaged for the tour guides like they have any

Stella Turowsky-Ganci/Staff Artist

control over applications. I want to bump into at least six each time I go to class so I can smile knowingly at the groups huddled about – thriving on the knowledge that statistically, most of them will be rejected.

And to the few applicants who may be reading this piece? Have fun at NYU, fuckers. You’re not getting in.

“These Protests Are Ruining My Classic College Experience,” Says Student at Protest University™

By Beau Gantz PU 4EVER

In a brave and controversial stand, one courageous student has spoken out against the devastating impacts of student protests. “These protests are ruining my classic college experience,” writes John Blutarsky, a sophomore at the prestigious Protest University.

In an unprecedented op-ed for the Sundial, Blutarsky eloquently voiced his distaste for all the campus fuss-makers. “These privileged students throw the biggest fit about something that I haven’t even heard of. That’s never been what Protest U is about—not when

18

my father went here, or his father, or his father before him.” While Protest University is historically among the most politically involved campuses in America, the recent disruptions have really irked Blutarsky, who wants the college to come together and focus on what’s important. “I’m here for the right reasons: to drink a comically large amount of alcohol, to hit on babes, and to cheer on the Demonstrators every Saturday on the football field. You know, Van Wilder shit.”

“I remember the day I found out I got into PU. I was in the eighth grade, and my dad was explaining legacy admissions to me. That’s

community unmatched fr

when I knew that Protest University would provide me with the best days of my life, spent throwing frisbees on the quad, smoking weed before a lecture, and scheming elaborate pranks against Sit-In State. But neither the dorks here nor the goobers at SISU have any interest in hatching hijinx or punking the dean. They all want me to think critically about pressing issues. Pass.”

This heroic stance was made in succession with a dozen nearly identical op-eds, all published in a single issue of the Sundial.

What a captivating read.

Volume XLII Issue 2

TURN UP!

Sexy Family Costume Ideas for This HallowParentsWeekend

By Livy Molko and Colette Carbonara Wondering how you’re going to balance your time this October 25-26th between Halloweekend and Parents Weekend? Not sure how you’ll be able to spend enough time with your parents while also serving spooky face?

We have the perfect answer for you.

Here is a list of sexy and unique group costumes you and your families can rock this Hallowparentsweekend: 1. For only children: Father, son, and holy spirit 2. For LGBTQ allied families: Sweat Tour—Charli xcx, Troye Sivan, Addison Rae, and Lorde 3. For the big families: The

trick or treat ;)

Kardashians 4. For the rich: The Sexy Romanovs 5. For the Off-Putting Ritualistic Fams: MGK, Meghan Fox, Blood Vial For a Mother Daughter Duo: Mary Wollstonecraft, Mary Shelley 6. For the Nuclear Family: Stalin, Truman, Oppenheimer, Nikita Kruschev 7. For Families in Turmoil: Trump, Kamala, and one of those 3rd party ones No need to credit the Fed, tell the bouncer at Amity you thought of your costume all by yourself! You can thank us later.

Columbia Reveals New Nonchalant Mascot

By Kimberly Wing roll My New Mascot

In preparation for Homecoming, Columbia University’s Board of Trustees have announced their plans to retire Roar-ee and replace him with a new, very chill mascot. This decision comes after controversy over the lion, an oppressive symbol of the British Empire, which was chosen as a mascot to reflect Columbia’s founding as King’s College in 1754.

“We recognize that Columbia University plays an important, longstanding role in American history.

Moving forward, we chose a new mascot that properly reflects Columbia as an institution firmly rooted in the United States,” one trustee said in an exclusive statement with the Fed. The mascot, (presumably) tentatively named “My New Mascot,” is believed to be a light brown dog with a humanoid body, though his species has not been confirmed.

He wears a Columbia sweatshirt, baggy jeans, and sneakers.

“His whole deal is he’s a chill guy that lowkey doesn’t give a fuck,” a University representative explained.

My New Mascot’s nonchalant nature was chosen to reflect how few people genuinely care about Columbia football games. When asked about the proposed

October 2024

June Frankel/Staff Artist

REPORT: It Really is That Damn Phone

By Inica Kotasthane

good attention span overrated

Kimberly Wing/Staff Artist

mascot change, many students said they “honestly didn’t care.” The only thing that’s more dead and missing than Columbia’s school spirit is apparently Matilda the Harlem Goat!

“I like how he’s just so mysterious.”

Millie the Bear, Barnard’s mascot, told The Fed while twiddling her paws. “I’m excited for what he has in store for Columbia.”

Roar-ee declined to comment.

cute, cuddly, capybara...?

The Atlantic recently published an article titled “The Elite College Students Who Can’t Read Books,” discussing a trend of student disinterest in class content at Columbia and other competitive schools. Their findings: book boring, brain rot in.

Investigating the claims in the article, the Fed conducted a campus-wide survey to determine what students truly want to read in class. All answers were write-in. Below are the top three suggestions: 1. Big Nate 2. Captain Underpants 3. Colleen Hoover When asked how professors can better engage their students, some claimed that they needed to adapt to class formats that are dopamine-inducing.

“Instead of a two-hour lecture, how about 480 fifteen-second TikToks?” asked one student.

“That way I can scroll through the comments when I start zoning out.”

The Atlantic raises some valid questions: Is American higher education slowly descending into chaos thanks to social media’s algorithmic encouragement of mindless sensationalism? We at the Fed have an answer: duh. Be sure to like and subscribe to @columbia_federalist for more!

19

damn!

Devastating: Freshman Rejected From Student Group Via ChatGPT

By Aron Shklar

damn bro

As thousands of wide-eyed freshmen join our Columbia community each fall, many undergo the rigorous process of trying to join various student groups that, unlike the Columbia Federalist, require an application. But unlike taxes and overly long Ferris lines, getting into these groups is not guaranteed.

In a heartbreaking scene on Tuesday, one eager freshman received an email from a group they had applied to. Their innocent anticipation was brought crashing down as they opened the email to find the following: “As an AI language model, it is not within my programming to process your request to ‘obliterate this bum’s delusions of grandeur and get their ass the fuck out of my club.’ Instead, here’s a template for a rejection letter that maintains a respectful and empathetic tone: [Your Name] [Your Position] [Group Name] [Date] [Recipient’s Name] [Recipient’s Address]

Dear [Recipient’s Name], Thank you for your interest in joining [Group Name]. We appreciate the time and effort you put into your application and the enthusiasm you showed during the selection process.

After careful consideration, we regret to inform you that we will not be able to offer you a position in the group at this time. This decision was difficult to make, as we received many applications from talented individuals. Ultimately, we had to select candidates whose skills and experiences align more closely with our current goals and activities.

We encourage you to stay involved in other campus activities and groups, as we believe you have much to offer. If you’d like, we would be happy to provide feedback on your application.

Thank you again for your interest, and we wish you the best in your future endeavors.

Warm regards, [Your Name] [Your Contact Information] [Group Name]”

Not only had they been rejected via a letter blatantly written by ChatGPT, but one that the group had not even bothered to fill out first. There was nothing behind those words. No emotion, no regret, no feeling. An application rejection utterly devoid of reason and feeling. Left with an empty and emotionless rejection letter, one sentence burst from the crushed freshman: “If only I had joined the application-free Columbia Federalist instead!”

Dani Rivera/Arts Editor

Schermerhorn Extension: A Breakthrough In Relativistic Studies

By Robert Petersen in what now?

Last Monday, physics professor Brian Greene declared the Schermerhorn Extension a new scientific breakthrough for studying the theory of both special and general relativity.

While previous studies have shown that mass is relative to velocity and energy, Dr. Greene’s study demonstrates that in the Schermerhorn Extension, matter (the very makeup of the building) is relative to time itself.

“For example, Room 859 only appears on Tuesdays and Thursdays,” explained Dr. Greene. “Room 98⅝ is accessible only from the hidden tunnel at the bottom of the elevator shaft on the first day of the month. Room 292 has two entrances but only one exit. And Room 462 + 3i contains a cat that is only alive after noon and before midnight.”

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Dr. Greene continued: “Time seems to move half as fast as normal in room 1058B, even though its extreme amount of spinning acceleration proves that the room’s velocity is not constant. Each day, the 9th floor layout rotates 180 degrees. In Room 749, the strengths of the gravitational and electromagnetic forces are swapped, making one literally stuck to the ground. Finally, Room 400-W has literally another dimension to it and looks like a tesseract from the inside.”

When asked about the largest breakthrough in the building, Dr. Greene responded: “We found what appears to be a black hole in room 888. I sent in one of my graduate students to investigate, and we were able to witness spaghettification on humans firsthand. Another win for the scientific community.”

welcome to the revolution

Volume XLII Issue 2

YOUR vote counts!

Inspiring: Interview With Last Student Still Insisting on Voting for RFK

By Victor Uceda-Sosa

someone check on him pls

Robert F. Kennedy Jr.’s presidential campaign may have officially ended, with the candidate even endorsing Donald Trump, but for some, RFK Jr. is still the man to beat. Today, we sat down with one of his most passionate supporters—Alex Boatman, a Columbia student who refuses to acknowledge the campaign’s demise.

“Look, I don’t care if he’s not on the ballot,” defended Alex, who insisted upon being named in this article. “I’ll write in his goddamn name if I have to. I’m not letting the system dictate who I vote for.”

His devotion runs deep, even as Kennedy

has been banned from several debates, disinvited from most political events, and now struggles to make headlines that don’t involve animal corpses.

“That’s all part of the plan,” Alex insists. “He’s not trying to fit in with the establishment. He’s showing us how corrupt the system is by refusing to play their game; just because the media says he’s out doesn’t mean he’s really out.”

Even Kennedy’s well-publicized brainworm has only heightened his appeal to die-hard supporters like Alex. “Everyone’s freaking out about the worm, but I see it as a major plus. It’s like a metaphor, man. He’s got something inside him pushing him to question everything. If the system’s infected, maybe you need to be, too.”

JD Vance Spotted at Hell’s Kitchen Gay Bar Bear Night

Revealed: Butler 8 Haunting Not a Ghost, Just a Postgrad

By Reza Shayesteh with his eyeliner on fleek, obvs

On Saturday, numerous Columbia twinks gave reports that they saw Senator JD Vance dancing alone at Hardware, a famous Hell’s Kitchen queer bar. According to one particularly disgusted bar patron, Vance was reportedly wearing an ill-fitting neon green tank top and black jeans with a “visible Lady Gaga Chromatica jockstrap.”

Known for his harsh record on LGBTQ+ issues, many bar patrons were surprised to see former president Trump’s running mate at the bar. In an anonymous interview with the Fed, one bartender said that he even saw Senator Vance request the song “Sweet Dreams Are Made of This” very aggressively several times. When the song finally played, he reportedly tried to get several twinks with questionable Wisconsin IDs to dance with him.

In an interview, one of the twinks with a Wisconsin ID said, “I can’t attest to his record, but I can say he’s a real diva.”

The senator, however, was asked to leave after he started forcefully lecturing a gay couple with a child on their iPhone lock screen on “the terrors of gay adoption.” The child was reportedly the couple’s nephew.

On his way out, a Hardware bouncer alleged that he screamed, rather flamboyantly, “Whatever. I’m taking this fine piece of ass June Frankel/Staff Artist to the Eagle.”

October 2024

But it’s not just students throwing their support behind Kennedy. Columbia University’s interim president, Katrina Armstrong, recently shocked the academic world by also announcing her intention to vote for RFK. “Look, I’m illiterate,” Armstrong reportedly confessed at a recent faculty meeting, “and his name’s the easiest one to spell.

Simple as that.”

As Kennedy’s campaign spirals further into chaos, his most loyal followers remain convinced that his unconventional tactics are precisely what America needs. “You’ll see,” Alex concluded, adjusting his RFK Jr. pin. “The brain worm, the dead animals – it’s all connected. He’s playing a different game. And in the end, he’s going to win.”

pick your fighter!!!

By Alex Foster boo!

That shadowy oubliette you see skulking the hallways of Butler 8? The one you see out of the corner of your sleep-deprived eye when you’re cranking out that senior thesis? Turns out it’s not a ghost, just a postgrad.

A new report by GS (Ghost Studies) students has revealed that, far from being the first ghost to hit Columbia since your junior year Hinge date left you on read, the thing that moans occasionally as it wails around corners is actually just the PhD nerd spending another eight hours in Butler 8.

“I’ve seen more ghosts than postgrads in my three years here,” says Jimmy Loomis CU’25, head of the report team. “Do they even go here?”

Armed with a flashlight, spectrum cam, and EVP recorder, the Fed caught up with one of the alleged haunts.

“Verily, wouldst thou not agree that I am not yonder ghost?” murmured Wendy Strode.

Historic records (LinkedIn) allege that Strode is doing a “Master of Science in Engineering and Applied Science.”

“Tell you what’s scary: $120,000 in debt,” she said, “and no job prospects.”

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Stay Safe Friends!!!!!!!!!!!

I LIVED IT: I Went In My Room and My Roommate Was In There

By Beau Gantz so spooky scary...

It was a Wednesday. I had just absolutely bombed a Calc midterm, and I was once more considering dropping out and joining the Navy. My spirits were low.

“No matter,” I thought. “I will simply lay in my bed and watch TikTok until my spirits are lifted or it is time to go to bed. Surely some extended screen time would alleviate my sorrows.” I pushed open the door to my dorm, thrilled to be reunited with my solitary sanctuary. I never expected what I saw that day.

Sitting in my room was this…thing. A person. A stranger. My roommate.

I know not what compelled him to so audaciously occupy my sacred space. I only know that he was there, depriving me of my chance to be gross and sad and depressing and alone. I proceeded cautiously, slowly adapting to the reality of an invader in my home. I thought that if I simply acted as normal—avoiding eye contact save for a brief head nod—I could pass by unharmed. In retrospect, I was humiliatingly naive. He noticed me, and, smelling my fear, mercilessly attacked: “How was the calc test?”

How dare he. Viciously recalling a detail that I had previously shared

Columbia Makes Butler Stacks Open 24/7 to Increase Legacy Student Production

with him? At a time when I wanted to rot in bed and watch 30 second clips from How I Met Your Mother? What am I to do now? Engage in amicable conversation? Unthinkable.

“Good,” I said, in an effort to diffuse the hostilities.

This placated him for a moment, giving me hope that I could indeed hate scroll through my For You Page as I had planned. I couldn’t have been more than ten Toks deep when he—this bastard—listened to the video I was watching, recognized the creator, and remarked that he thought the guy was funny? This sick freak. First you invade my living space, then you intrude on my precious (and UNIQUE) algorithm? I was lucky that day. He had a 2:10 class to get to and I ultimately succeeded in my quest to deteriorate on the internet in solitude. But it still haunts me, and I live in fear every time I enter my dorm. Stay safe out there—you never know who’s lurking in the place that you call home.

You Don’t Want to Drop Out of Columbia, You’re Just Dehydrated

By Sylvi Stein

By James Coppersmith

borg ≠ water live love capitalism

Columbia University Facilities announced this morning that the Butler Library stacks will be open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, in order to facilitate the production of more legacy students. The stacks have traditionally closed around 2 AM to force students to touch grass, but when Columbia administrators caught word of how much procreative activity went down in them, they felt that keeping them open could lead to some late-night double legacy student making.

“We ideally want to admit exclusively legacy students, but these nerds don’t have enough game to make them,” commented Captain Bayonne, that guy in a superhero costume who kickflips water bottles and also actually works in admissions. “And there isn’t enough inbreeding for double legacies!

Too many of them are dating students from Cornell, or worse, NYU.” This announcement follows a series of similar new initiatives guided by the same goal, such as converting part of the John Jay-Wallach-Hartley tunnels into dedicated sexiling rooms and adding Archive of Our Own submissions to the LitHum syllabus.

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Stella Turowsky-Ganci/Staff Artist

Midterm season is upon us, and the ennui hangs thicker in the air than the scent of Dig Inn on 113th and Broadway. As you try to ignore the first caress of autumn’s biting breeze while the deadlines close in, you might daydreaming about taking that full-time SAT tutor position back home or transferring to a sunny California university. Dear reader, do not let the banana slug-shaped devil on your shoulder talk you out of your NYC college student discount. Instead of browsing transfer acceptance rates, pick up your HydroFlask that you dropped seven times last week during your lecture and beeline towards the nearest water fountain. Once you hydrate, it is much easier to romanticize your rat-infested #NYClifestyle! Follow the advice of that cute sticker you ambitiously put on your laptop: hydrate, don’t diedrate.

Sometimes you need a liter of water to remind you how good you’re going to look in your grad photo shoot on Low Steps.

living *the* life

Volume XLII Issue 2

she’s hunting freshmen...

It’s That Time of Year Again! Alma Is Demanding a Worthy Sacrifice

By Beau Gantz

will it be YOU??

Autumn has arrived in Morningside Heights, and around the Low Library steps that means one thing: The statue of Alma Mater is furiously demanding a sacrifice worthy of her greatness. Yep, Fall is definitely here!

Pumpkin Spice is in the air, low-effort halloween costumes are roughly planned out, and this 8 foot tall statue from the 19th century is threatening to bring famine upon campus if her demands are not met. The first one who heard Alma’s big news was sophomore Rich Ewel, who shared his story with the Fed: “I was walking up to Havemeyer and all of a sudden Alma turned her head directly at me, and said “An unblemished lamb, the hide of the mother lion, and the blood of a king, these three must be placed before me lest the land beneath my bronze vessel be swallowed up by

Hades himself.” It was pretty freaky, because I still felt like it was like August, but apparently autumn’s in full swing.”

Some lucky campus-goers have seen Alma surrounded by spiraling flocks of rabid pigeons, who were apparently driven mad by the malevolent forces surrounding her.

Campus access is limited this year, but that’s not stopping some persistent tourists from bringing flowers to Alma and watching them wilt, burn, or bleed when placed too close to her scepter.

Others have seen the Columbia icon dislocating her jaw to release hordes of locusts, laughing maniacally in the dead of night, or appearing in their dreams to inform students Stella Turowsky-Ganci/Staff Artist that “the sins of their father” have followed them to New York, and that she “can see the cleanse.” Wow! Sweater weather, here we blood on their hands that no penance can come! Happy Fall, Columbia!

Type of Candy Each Columbia School Gives Out

By Zoe Silverman yum yum yum

Barnard: Organic Sour Giggles. No artificial dyes or flavors, non-GMO, gluten-free, vegan, and allergy-friendly. They are inclusive, environmentally friendly, and absolutely disgusting to most. Sneak all the packs of Giggles into that one environmental studies major’s tote bag—they love them!

SEAS: Grape-flavored Tootsie Pops. God knows that their students need the artificial sugar rush to keep them working on their coding homework as they miss the entirety of Halloweekend.

Columbia College: A weird hard candy you pulled out of a pumpkin-shaped bucket. The bucket stood unattended on a dark eerie front porch.You either wait in a long line for a disappointing payoff or when no one is looking you dump the whole thing in your bag.

GS: Werther’s Original Caramels that have been sitting in my grandma’s purse for two years. There’s probably a little lint still

October 2024

stuck to it but the wholesome intention is there, so you say thank you graciously and after walking away immediately trade it for a Twix.

The Journalism School: They sneak the razors into wrapped candies that your parents warned you about in elementary school.

They want to stay relevant and in the news so bad. All tricks, no treats!

Teachers College: Nerds Gummy Clusters. They think it’s really funny to make a joke about how they’re a nerd when they hand it to you. (But we know they’re not nerds—they’re freaks.)

SIPA: Reese’s Assorted Milk Chocolate Snack Size Peanut Butter Shapes Halloween Candy. A Reese’s in the shape of a pumpkin, bat, or ghost because they forgot it was Halloween and bought them last minute on the way home from Hillary’s house. They think the fun shapes will remind you about the holiday that they forgot about. #Worldwide.

it’s spooky szn!!!

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join SUNDAYS @ 8:30pm in Lerner 569! columbiafederalist.com chief@columbiafederalist.com Ashley Rapp/Head Submissions Editor

Dani Rivera/Arts Editor (Accompaning Graphic for "KNOW YOUR RIGHTS: No One Can Stop You From Farting in Butler" pg. 10)

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