College Parent Magazine Raleigh Spring 2021

New Career Insights | Family Conversations About Race

RALEIGH SPRING 2021

What We’ve Learned This Year

SUCCESS LOOKS DIFFERENT FOR EVERY STUDENT SET THE STAGE FOR A GREAT SUMMER Build Skills • Take Care of Mental Health • Keep the Peace at Home

Welcome from CollegiateParent

CONTENTS

The change of seasons always has the potential to renew our optimism and energy. After a year of living through a pandemic, and helping our students with all the adjustments they’ve had to make, it’s safe to say we’ve never needed springtime more.

NEW WAYS OF SEEING AND BEING Success Looks Different for Every Student

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3 Things I’ve Learned During This Pandemic Year

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An Opportunity for this Generation to Remake the World — Insights from the Loeb Center for Career Exploration and Planning

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Has Your Student Taken a Black Studies Course?

Encouraging Family Conversations About Race

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Why I’m Glad I Took Time Off from College

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A Student’s Hopes for Her Senior Year

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SET THE STAGE FOR A GREAT SUMMER How to Keep Your Sanity (I Mean Manage Your Relationship) if Your Student Will Continue Living at Home

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4 Steps to Better Conversations with Your Student

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The Summer Break Academic Boost

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Rocking a Virtual Internship

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We hope you’ll be as inspired as we are by the stories and voices in this issue of College Parent Magazine. Challenging times have prompted refreshing conversations and creative ways of moving forward. We have new understandings of what it means to be a successful student (or a successful human being, for that matter). Students have bravely transformed their goals, changed paths, and opened themselves to new dreams.

As always, we cover practical matters, too. In the following pages, you’ll find advice and information on a wide variety of subjects from finances to internships to health. Does your student need to get back on track academically? Will they be moving off campus? Do they want to change their major?

We can help.

This magazine is also a space where you can reflect and relax knowing that you’re not alone if things have been a struggle.

The transition to college is often bumpy, even under normal circumstances. We hope you’ll visit CollegiateParent.com where you can search just about any topic. We think you’ll especially enjoy our new advice column. Read “Dear Adina” — and ask her a question!

Happy spring!

Diane Schwemm, Editor

HEALTH, MONEY, MAJORS AND MORE Summer Wellness Checklist

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Practice Happiness Habits

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Supporting Your Student’s Mental Health

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Paying for College During COVID

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Moving Off Campus — How to Help Your Student Do This Well

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Choosing/Changing Majors and Exploring

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MEET OUR WRITERS

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EDITOR Diane Schwemm dschwemm@collegiateparent.com

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Looks Success

BY JENNIFER SULLIVAN

Different for Every Student

The 2020–21 school year has asked all of us, students and families alike, to take on new challenges and find peace and self-care amidst the chaos. As we move into a new season (and it is new, even if we’re still dealing with many of the same challenges), we are stronger, more creative and maybe more present and grateful for life’s little moments.

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Here are six lessons we’ve learned and thoughts on how to continue to support your student’s growth.

Success looks different for every student.

In a typical year, student success is measured by grades on a report card or transcript. This year is anything but typical, and success for many students has looked (and will continue to look) very different.

Success for your student in 2020–21 may have looked like waking up every day and attending class on their computer in their bedroom.

Success may have been your student finding a place in your house or apartment where they could listen to a professor’s lecture without the dog barking or a parent’s work conference call in the background.

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Success might have meant that your student followed campus rules to quarantine for two weeks in their dorm room, only seeing friends via FaceTime. Success might have meant resisting pressure to attend a party because your teen knew the health risks. Some days success (for both students and their supporters) meant just going to sleep and waking up the next day to try again.

Making it through this year together is reason enough to celebrate. Surviving college during the pandemic is proof that your student is resilient and capable — and they will bring these newly honed skills with them in whatever they attempt next.

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2 4 6 A variety of learning environments empowered students with choice.

The variety of instructional methods offered by colleges and universities over the past year (online, in person, hybrid) required students to use selfawareness and critical thinking skills as they figured out how they learn best and decided whether or not to enroll in courses that were offered remotely.

Some incoming freshmen chose to stay home for a semester or a year, knowing that when in-person learning resumes it will give them the best chance for success. Students further along in their journeys realized they could alter their trajectory (take time off, take fewer or different classes, maybe even transfer) without losing sight of the ultimate goal of college graduation. The ability to self-advocate will serve them well going forward.

Resilience can be cultivated.

There are many ways to “do college.”

This year has taught our students that they will face challenges in life and must learn to adapt and be flexible in order to achieve success. In her 2020 virtual graduation address at North Carolina State University, NC State alumna and NASA astronaut Christina Koch told graduates, “resilience is your trajectory.”

The pathways for students after high school have always been varied: technical degree certificate programs, joining the workforce, volunteering, taking a gap year, enrolling in a 2-year or 4-year college, joining the military, etc. There has never been just one way to “do college” and in 2020–21 more than ever, students chose next steps that were right for them based on their learning needs and goals, family financial situation, the health and age of family members and more.

Disappointment and unpredictability were constants this school year and have tested students’ resolve.

But all of us — students, friends and family members — have made it past the obstacles, and best of all, we’ve helped each other along the way.

5 3 Virtual communication has its upsides.

As face-to-face opportunities decreased, colleges developed innovative and efficient ways of nurturing connection. Campuses developed virtual town halls, used technology to stream concerts and performances, and harnessed the power of video to support student clubs and activities. Virtual office hours in some cases made it easier for students to connect with their professors.

The older generation got more tech savvy, too. Of course it wasn’t always optimal — I learned from personal experience it’s almost impossible to help a teenager clean and pack their dorm room for holiday break over text and FaceTime instead of being there in person. (Not being able to see the garbage under the bunk bed put me at a real disadvantage.)

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Self-care must come first.

According to national data,* the number of college students with mental health concerns has risen in recent years. Students are under increasingly more pressure as they attempt to balance academics, social relationships, rising tuition costs, financial debt and family responsibilities.

Though our circumstances and choices are different, we have shared an experience like none other in our memories. So congratulations, students and families, on finishing this school year strong. You are ready to create new successes in 2021–22!

The American College Health Association National College Health Assessment, www. acha.org/documents/ncha/NCHA-II_Fall_2018_ Reference_Group_Executive_Summary.pdf

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Stress in college is not new; however this year more than ever students learned the importance of coping with stress in healthy and positive ways.

Many colleges created innovative, campus-wide mental health support programs such as online meditation groups and virtual wellness coaching.

The pandemic forced parents and guardians to take a look at our own self-care strategies and model these for our kids. Going forward, campuses and families will continue to play a pivotal role in eliminating the stigma surrounding mental health.

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3 Things I’ve Learned During this Pandemic Year A few months ago during winter break, I discovered a vision board I’d made at the end of 2019 illustrating my dreams for 2020.

Sitting in my childhood bedroom looking at words like “adventure,” “travel” and even “friends,” it was clear that a lot of what I’d hoped for the year 2020 did not become reality. My study abroad program was cancelled, the number of friends I could see in person shrank due to COVID restrictions, and so many of the activities and trips I’d planned were limited.

As my junior year winds down, it would be easy to look back and see only disappointments. Yet there are also many ways my perspective changed and that I grew as an individual that’s made this a year of silver linings.

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The pandemic taught me to hold onto the people that make me feel the best.

And it taught me not to be afraid to let go of the ones that don’t. As harsh as it sounds, this past year made me prioritize the friends that I want to see and also showed me the people that don’t impact me positively.

As soon as COVID hit and we were forced to only see a few people in close contact, it became evident to me who was willing to put in work for our friendship. This was a hard truth to face, but ultimately one that allowed me to grow and become more aware of what I need from my friends.

I learned that I’m very extroverted and thrive from being around friends constantly (which was very difficult during a pandemic). I learned that with friends I am apart from, FaceTime and texting are essential. I learned that having less is more, especially when it means that the people I surround myself with have my back 100% of the time.

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BY ANNE MAYTUBBY

2020 allowed me to accept that my future is uncertain, COVID or not.

2020 taught me how important it is to voice the way I’m feeling.

Looking at my 2020 vision board, one word stands out: “individuality.”

I’m someone who loves the idea of having a set plan for my life. I thought I knew exactly what my 2020 would look like: finish sophomore year, have an internship and spend the summer with friends in my hometown, then study abroad for my junior fall semester.

While saying “I’m fine” always seems like the easy way out, I learned that this can only take me so far. Especially when it has felt like everything around me was so uneasy between divisive politics, the pandemic and various other bad news, I learned that the one thing I can control is my mental health and what makes me feel best. This challenged me to actually tell my friends how I was feeling and what I needed.

This is something I accomplished to the fullest extent this past year, despite all the challenges I faced.

Because pandemic life can be very isolating, I’ve had room to focus inwardly. Rather than being reliant on other people, I was forced to turn to myself in a lot of ways.

Except for spending last summer at home, none of this happened. It was extremely frustrating at first and is still tough to look back at, but this year also forced me to relax and truly take everything day by day. I can plan as much as I want, but one small shift can change all of my expectations.

In 2020 I chose to live in the moment because it wasn’t an option not to, and this is a mindset I’m carrying with me into the future because ultimately I will never be able to plan my entire life and I want to enjoy where I am right now.

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The honest truth was that a lot of this school year has been very hard emotionally, and not only did I have to come to terms with this for myself, but I had to admit this to the people around me because that was the only way to get better. In the end, communicating well with my friends has made us closer and while it was tough in the moment, life is so much easier because I know there are people who fully understand and want the best for me.

Again, while this challenged me, it also caused me to grow more as an individual than I feel like I ever have.

I now have a better understanding of who I am, what my needs are, and am more confident than I have been in a long time.

The pandemic has taught me that, when so many circumstances feel out of my control, there are ways I can take charge of my own life and make the best with what I have. If we pause to recognize the positives and the ways we’ve grown, we’ll see that the small things can make this crazy time memorable in a good way.

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An Opportunity for This Generation to Remake the World

BY EMILY GRIFFEN

Insights from the Loeb Center for Career Exploration and Planning

In December 2019, the career services team I lead at Amherst College was hunkered down for a retreat in a hotel ballroom. As we reflected on the previous year and planned for 2020, a graphic facilitator listened intently, creating murals to reflect and document our discussion.

Like everyone, we had no idea we were soon to step into a once-in-many-lifetimes event, where our assumptions about our work and the future would be tossed aside overnight. A few months later my team and I were gathering again — this time in our conference room as we made emergency plans to shift all our operations to a remote work environment.

In the spring of 2021, those of us who work in collegiate career services continue to grapple with the ramifications of the global pandemic. We attend to our own children’s remote schooling while logging in to Zoom to advise your children on how to adapt to a world we struggle to analyze.

We watch layoffs and furloughs happen in our own industry while worrying about the cautious planning of our employer partners and a far more competitive jobs landscape for our students.

But we also see bright areas of promise — and are challenging ourselves to reimagine our very profession.

While analyzing the external job market has been a priority, career services professionals have also been rethinking how we engage with students in advising conversations and programs. At my institution, advisors have had ongoing discussions with each other and with colleagues at other schools about how best to support students and help them meet this moment with resilience, creativity and hope.

What we’ve discovered is that our best advice is evergreen.

Bedrock career management skills matter today more than ever for young professionals.

Building relationships, for example, has proven again and again to be the most important lever in any job search.

In the current climate, investing in outreach and conversation is also the best way to gain insight into real-time trends and opportunities in rapidly changing fields. Similarly, it’s always been true that investing in a broad skill set and versatility is a surer path to sustained success than a narrower, calculated approach to current job opportunities.

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Spring 2021

Today, as we watch entire industries shift overnight, it reminds us to widen our aperture in advising conversations to include longer term and expansive thinking. And as we help our high-achieving students process and adapt to setbacks, we recognize that we should have spent more time talking candidly with them about learning from disappointment and failure — crucial adult experiences — all along.

The skills more broadly nurtured by a college education also matter today more than ever.

No longer is “critical thinking” a slightly abstract phrase for us or for our student advisees. Now we can feel in our bones how critical thinking not only helps organizations succeed but ensures our democracy survives.

Similarly, have we ever had more meaningful examples available to us about the importance of creative problem solving, analysis, research skills, clear communication, or teamwork? What have long been referred to (in a tone I always found semi-disparaging) as “soft skills” are the secret sauce to professional effectiveness and career advancement.

Again, none of this is new. In a January 2020 survey by the National Association of Colleges and Employers (NACE), employers noted the following as the top five skills they seek when hiring undergraduates: 1) problem-solving skills, 2) ability to work in a team, 3) strong work ethic, 4) analytical/quantitative skills, and 5) written communication skills. Technical skills came in at #10 on the wish list.

What is the world of work now?

As Aisha Ahmad eloquently stated last spring in the Chronicle of Higher Education, “the world is our work.” * What would it look like if we more often remembered that the post-graduate transition into the professional world was not the end goal in itself but the means to a greater end? Or the means to a greater beginning?

An exhilarating number of today’s students are motivated — perhaps more than the last few generations that have preceded them — to solve the massive problems before us.

Problems like racial injustice, climate change and public health demand multi-sector, interdisciplinary responses from every nook and cranny of our economy.

Climate action, for example, requires people who make new technologies, people who manage regulations on a municipal level, people who synthesize information

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and influence public opinion, people who use the arts to reflect our world back to us and give us shared cultural experiences, and people who lead teams and make courageous decisions. With that range of opportunity, no matter what students’ skills or interests or majors are, there is space for them to develop their unique capacities and make choices that set us on a new path.

My advice to you is to encourage your students to spend more energy leaning in to their natural strengths and interests and less time calculating where the top salaries are (or where they perceive their peers to be going). It is when our true abilities and values are activated that we are our most productive selves and new ideas emerge — and we need new ideas for a more humane world.

It is very American to encourage our children to dream bigger and believe that anything is possible.

But often that message is about individual potential. This generation has an opportunity and an urgency to reconsider career planning as a more collectivist endeavor.

With a reorientation toward solving big problems or generating new global approaches, career conversations must also be a shared project on college campuses and not simply delegated to career centers. We must provide opportunities for students to apply skills learned in the classroom in diverse ways, and create environments that encourage them to develop and test new ideas.

And as educators and as families, we together share the project of believing in our students, retaining optimism and modeling crucial competencies like listening, respect, generosity, and attending to our physical and mental health every day, to make sure they are buoyed and sustained as they do the hard work of creating a stronger future.

I took a moment recently to pull up the PDF file of those murals created during the 2019 staff retreat. It was like digging up a time capsule. I scrolled to the last image, the one that documented our hopes for our continued evolution. The artist had grouped ideas around stylized orange and red plants, which she illustrated with uplifted leaves and flowers that looked like suns. For the first time, I noticed the care she’d taken to place those plants in a bed of soil — using her markers to create an intricate pattern of little cross hatches, like planting seeds.

Ahmad, Aisha S. “Why You Should Ignore All That Coronavirus-Inspired Productivity Pressure.” The Chronicle of Higher Education, 26 March 2020, www.chronicle.com/article/why-you-should-ignore-all-that-coronavirusinspired-productivity-pressure. Accessed 4 Feb. 2021.

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Meet Professor Miller

Channon S. Miller, Ph.D. is an Assistant Professor of History at the University of San Diego, specializing in African American History. She received her Ph.D. in American Studies from Boston University in 2017 where she was a Whitney M. Young, Jr. Fellow. Miller’s work concerns itself with cultivating an archive of Black mothers’ marginalization and resistance in America at the turn of the 21st century. Miller is from Hartford, Connecticut; the city and her community’s lives and activism for Black people and freedom since the years of the Great Migration grounds and inspires her writings and research.

Has Your Student Taken a Black Studies Class?

Encouraging Family Conversations About Race Professor Miller, would you tell us about yourself and about your faculty position at University of San Diego?

I joined the University’s Department of History as a Post-Doctoral Fellow in the fall of 2017, and as a tenure-track, Assistant Professor in Spring 2019. I am one of the department’s Americanist Historians. I am the specialist in African American History and develop and introduce courses and curriculum that center and elevate our student body’s exposure to Black American life, history and culture.

Coupled with this, I am also a historian of women’s distant and recent pasts in the United States, offering courses that seat race and gender at the same table, and unpack the ways in which race converges with gender to shape women’s lives.

For example, my entry level course, American Women in History, gives particular attention to women of color.

I am originally from Hartford, Connecticut, where I attended Trinity College for my undergraduate degree. It was there that my passion for studying and writing about the Black experience was nurtured, and where I ultimately decided that I wanted it to be my life’s work. A vital part of protecting and covering Black lives in America is to ensure that their — our — stories are told, recorded, documented and archived. It illuminates truths and voices that would otherwise be left untold, muted or distorted.

What’s your favorite thing about teaching college students?

Channon S. Miller, Ph.D. We communicated with Professor Channon S. Miller of the University of San Diego in December 2020. The interview has been lightly edited for clarity.

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My favorite thing about teaching college students is the ability to positively transform and shift the way they not only see the world but also navigate it. How I see it, by way of my teachings, guidance and mentorship, I am not only ensuring that they make it to graduation, but that they become people who are conscious of power, race, gender and class — the systems that ground oppression and the invisibility of the oppressed — and are in a position to interrogate and question these practices in their day-to-day lives.

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Have you seen changes in students’ interest in Black studies and history since the Black Lives Matter protests and rallies last summer? Have conversations in your classroom been different as a result?

George Floyd was killed by members of the MPD a few weeks after we concluded the spring ‘20 semester — and my courses, African American History and African American Women’s History. However, almost immediately, I received emails from students revealing that they understood the complex, multilayered causes and implications of Mr. Floyd’s murder — and for that, were thankful to have taken my courses.

My curriculum begins on the coast of colonial West Africa and in the bellies of the European ships that carried millions of enslaved Africans across the Atlantic to the Americas across several centuries. We end in the present with the current state of Black life and modern mechanisms of antiBlackness. The students witnessed hundreds of years of Black life in America over the course of just one semester.

Thus, coming into the summer of 2020, not only did the students know what the Black Lives Matter Movement was about but they understood why Black people cultivated it.

Also important, I am careful in my courses to tell the story of Black Americans, not through the voices and lenses of others, but through Black people themselves — their writings, literature and theorizations. Tied to this intention to center Black folks’ humanity, I also do not tell a story that limits their lives to interactions with white people and structures; they have cultures, familial lives, emotions, worldviews and beyond that exist outside of that.

Thus, not only were the students I worked with knowledgeable of the historical context of Black Lives Matter, but they also had the capacity to work against the misrecognition and degradation of what Black people had to say about their own lives — and instead hear and value their voices.

In a recent issue of the USD Magazine, you suggested that parents encourage their students to take Black history and Black studies classes. Would you talk a little bit about why this is important for students of all backgrounds?

It is impossible to understand the makings of our nation — and the world — without learning about Black people, their past and present. In America for example, our institutions (such as our schools, real estate associations, government

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spaces, political processes, international relationships and beyond) are rooted in, informed by and in dialogue with Black slavery, the state’s interest in the economic exploitation of African Americans, and the “color-line.”

Moreover, African Americans have played a centrifugal role in creating and molding American culture and customs.

Knowing Black people and their history is vital to our approaches to and interactions with our government, neighborhoods, communities, mass media and more.

How can the older generation understand and support this learning? How do we partake in it and foster conversations about systemic racism in our families?

Parents and guardians can understand and support this learning by, as previously shared, encouraging students to take these courses — whether they are majoring in business or chemistry, math or communications. Know that Black studies is useful to students of all racial, ethnic, gender and socioeconomic backgrounds — and all majors. Be encouraged to ask your students about these courses, what they are learning, and how it applies to their lives — as well as the lives, movements, activities, decisions and outlooks of all in the family.

Also, in the case that your students’ universities do not offer courses in Black history or Black studies, or have programs that are minimally supported, please do be encouraged to write to your institutions (such as the Deans) and amplify this as an area that could use improvement.

Ask that they consider expanding and improving upon these offerings. Universities deeply regard the thoughts and perspectives of parents and families.

Where do you feel campus activism needs to go next? How are you and your students talking about the future?

Campuses have always been a seedbed of resistance against anti-Blackness and racism in America, and this activism must necessarily continue. I encourage my students to, if they are not involved already, support and align with the activities of their school’s Black and multicultural organizations. They are likely doing work that could use more hands, support and encouragement in institutions that are often not as supportive as they possibly could be. With COVID-19, in-person activities are not possible; however, many groups have created digital and virtual means of connecting and building.

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Why I’m Glad I

Took Time Off

BY LAURA TOBAR

When I took a leave from classes for the fall quarter of my senior year, I didn’t expect to learn much. I decided to take time off in large part because I had struggled to balance school, work and home life while taking online classes in the spring of 2020 and felt that, for me personally, virtual college wasn’t conducive to learning the way in-person classes had been.

With so little of my undergraduate career left, I wanted to make the most of my remaining time in college.

So, with the hope that I’d eventually get to return to campus for the full experience of lectures, projects and collaborative work I’d come to associate with rigorous education, I chose to put learning on hold for the time being…or so I thought.

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Preoccupied with the idealized image of what my senior year could’ve been, what I mostly thought of was how I’d be missing out on the rewards of engaging in person with faculty and peers. What I didn’t consider was that learning happens in many more places than the classroom, and knowledge takes all kinds of surprising forms.

Though I was too disappointed to realize it right away, I was about to embark on an edifying journey — and what I learned last fall was as valuable to me as the wisdom I’ve acquired in traditional academic settings.

The thing about classroom learning is that it eats up a lot of time. When you aren’t in class, you have readings and homework, and even when you grind your way free of a given week’s assignments, exams and papers loom. For me, the easiest way to deal with this was to devote my free moments to pursuits I already liked or that weren’t too far out of my comfort zone; I figured, best not to waste the small amount of time I had for myself on things I might not even enjoy.

But in autumn 2020, liberated from the demands of coursework, I found myself with the gift of time to delve into new subjects and unfamiliar

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break between term papers, or to have spent a bit of time on a hobby that I concede just isn’t for me.

It’s worth the gamble because the alternative is discovering a whole new realm of interests — often in common with people I love.

The other, perhaps more pivotal, revelation I had was that, even after nearly a decade spent “enduring” schoolwork in high school and college, I still love learning. My academic hiatus reaffirmed my belief in the importance and joy of learning, and I’ll do my best to hold onto this appreciation in the future.

hobbies. This exploration taught me that I’m capable of seeking out knowledge on my own and that I can trust my intuition to guide me to learning that is worthwhile even if it isn’t conventionally academic.

I fell in love with the sport of Sumo, something I previously thought I could never be interested in. But when I started watching it because the pandemic had done away with many other televised sports, my initial assumption was disproved — in fact, I developed a lot of respect for the rikishi (wrestlers) and the cultural intricacies of the sport.

I tested the limits of my baking abilities, putting in the effort to recreate dishes I’d said goodbye to when I went vegan three years ago. My brother and one of my best friends introduced me to the anime world, which I had written off in the past. And I discovered a new favorite author, whose prolificacy had once

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discouraged me from picking up any of his novels (if someone wrote that many books, they couldn’t really be good!).

As I watched basho (Sumo tournaments) with my dad, made vegan croissants and tiramisu, lost myself in worthy anime plotlines (I highly recommend Haikyu!!), and began working my way through Stephen King’s bibliography, I learned a great deal about cultures, topics and pastimes that I never would have had I not taken a leave from my traditional, by-the-book education.

When I return to classes (I opted to take the winter and spring 2021 quarters off as well), I’ll try to remember not to sweat the small stuff like deadlines and difficult assignments but just be grateful for the opportunity to learn in a regulated environment. I’ll relish the challenge of my formal education and appreciate the privilege of completing it — a privilege I recognize more clearly now that I’m temporarily without it.

In the meantime, I may not have professors and exams, but thanks to the grand interruption of 2020–21 and all it is teaching me, I’m more determined than ever to continue learning all I can on my own.

More than that, I came away with the understanding that, even when I return to my studies as normal, I shouldn’t devalue my free time by restricting it to subjects and activities I’m already accustomed to.

I realized that the worst that can result from an adventure outside of my comfort zone is to waste one

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BY MARY SCOTT DOUGLAS

A Student’s Hopes for Her Senior Year This past winter break, I rediscovered one of my favorite childhood board games: Clue. As everyone knows, Clue is a game of discovery, the goal being to find out the details of a crime (who’s guilty, the weapon, and where it happened).

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When starting Clue, each player is given a few hints but nobody really knows anything. Throughout the game, each player goes through a process of pursuing possibilities, forming and altering opinions, and sometimes abruptly changing directions on the board to hasten towards another goal — until, at the very end, the winner arrives at the correct solution.

While Clue is a simple board game and college is a gigantic feat, they have similarities. As I’ve come to realize, college is a process of selfdiscovery, with plenty of twists and turns along the way. Looking back at my first few years of college, I can

see that the experience wasn’t at all what I expected it to be. However, my hopes for my senior year in 2021–22 feel much more accurate to my true self compared to the expectations I carried with me when I started.

If you asked 18-year-old me what I thought my senior year of college would look like, here’s what I would have said: I’ll be a successful chemistry student, preparing to work in a lab after college. I’ll have a leadership role in a sorority, helping continue the strong legacy of sisterhood. Finally, I’ll be involved socially, filling every free hour with campus activities and events.

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However, just like Clue, I had no idea how this journey would turn out (even if I thought I did).

I grew up thinking I was meant to study something science-related; the idea of being a woman in STEM fascinated and motivated me. Yet when I got to my university and enrolled in my first college chemistry and calculus classes, I quickly realized that my heart wasn’t in it enough to be able to push through for four years.

Despite all these changes, I am more confident than ever that I am exactly where I am supposed to be.

My hopes for senior year are more like personal goals instead of objective expectations. I won’t graduate with a chemistry degree, but I hope to finish strong academically with confidence in my abilities as I move forward. I am now a triple major, majoring in Political Science, Spanish and Medicine Health and Society. The liberal arts classes I once took to fulfill humanities requirements now fill my schedule.

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I’ll never forget the pit burning holes through my stomach when I found out I’d failed my first test.

My expectation for myself collapsed, but I clung to the thrill I felt from being a trailblazer in STEM, shifting that energy to explore a new interest in political science. Similarly, my hope to be involved in a sorority shattered after students at my school created a movement to abolish Greek life because of its racist and sexist impacts on the community.

Disaffiliation was the only option for me. While I’ve remained committed to this decision, it left me confused about what legacy I could leave behind if this wasn’t it.

I am still inspired by human rights, social justice and feminism, but instead of a STEM career I hope to attend law school after college!

I am currently involved in the Women in Government club and a tutoring club that offers tutors to high school students who don’t have access to individualized help. In the coming year, I hope to explore how these involvements can positively affect my campus as I prepare to leave.

Additionally, by disaffiliating from my sorority, I hope that I have created a more accepting and inclusive environment at my school than what existed before.

Lastly, my hope to be socially involved hasn’t necessarily ended, but it has changed because of the COVID-19 pandemic. Being involved no longer looks like attending football games or campus concerts.

Finally, even with fewer organized social events, I hope to live in the moment and cherish the time I have with my friends and classmates as much as possible. Now more than ever, I’ve learned to appreciate living and learning with the passionate and driven people I have found at my school!

If my hopes for senior year change over the next few months? Clue has taught me that it is never too late in the game to discover something new.

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BY SHARI BENDER

How to Keep Your

Sanity

(I Mean Manage Your Relationship)

If Your Student Will Continue Living at Home The texts are flying at 8:58 a.m. Joe, my 19-year-old college sophomore, begins: Have you seen my laptop?

Begrudgingly, I glance up from my own computer and look around the kitchen (aka my remote “office”).

Across the room I spot Kris Jenner and other assorted colorful laptop stickers.

8:59 a.m., I enter Joe’s bedroom and the sound of the door opening sends the cat scrambling. The laptop handoff goes smoothly. Joe flashes his best smile and says thanks. As I exit, Joe asks ever-so-sweetly, “Could you bring me some orange juice for class?”

I roll my eyes. Then promptly get the orange juice.

Sound familiar?

20

Spring 2021

This behavior is not limited to my college student. My grad student also spent more than a month at home over the winter holidays and I would get a text in the middle of a lecture: Mom could you possibly bring me decaf?

Truthfully, most of the time I’m happy to oblige. It’s weird but comforting to have my empty nest full again. Maybe you can relate if your college student has been spending larger chunks of time at home because of online classes.

But like me you’ve probably also observed that the pandemic can work against the natural order of things. Just as our kids are trying to spread their wings, campus closures and safety restrictions are creating obstacles on their path to independence.

Last summer provided its own unique challenges. Joe’s normal teenage angst was magnified by my heightened parental worry over the real and looming threat of COVID-19.

When his internship dried up, he got a job as a DoorDash driver and went Dashing often — a way to make money but also to escape the anxietyridden woman at home who could be, in his words, a bit of a tyrant.

It’s only temporary, we kept telling ourselves, so fights and discord were usually short-lived.

Now it will be summer 2021 and Joe will have his perfect internship, the world will be vaccinated and all is smooth sailing. Yeah right.

If almost 24 years of parenting has taught me anything, it’s that I need to buckle up through every life stage and be prepared for the unexpected.

www.collegiateparent.com

So, how can I prepare myself for THIS summer? My son will be turning 20 and craving independence, adventure and growth away from the watchful and sometimes overbearing eyes of Mama. But the fact is, even though he’s an adult, I am often reminded by his actions that the frontal cortex — the main part of the brain used for planning, impulse control and complex reasoning — will not be fully developed until age 25. That, along with my own need for just a bit of empty nest freedom, could be a recipe for parent-child clashes of epic proportions.

In an effort to survive the summer with sanity somewhat intact, here are four ways to set boundaries and make the best of your full nest:

1

Set ground rules, in writing. Do you expect your

student to be home for dinner certain nights of the week? Are there chores they’re required to do as part of the household?

And what do they expect of you?

Remember to listen to your kid. You may want complete quiet after 10 p.m., but your night owl may need a later timeframe. Be prepared to listen and negotiate. Your house, your rules, of course, but your student is now a young adult whose needs and preferences deserve a hearing.

Write down the rules you agree upon and send via text and email so there are no misunderstandings. Post the rules in the kitchen for all to see.

2

Set time aside for YOU. How many times have

we altered our own plans because “the kids are home.” Makes sense for a school break or over the holidays, but when “kids home” drags on to the “kids always home,” it’s time for us to prioritize our social time as well.

Maybe it’s a date night with your partner — whether that’s a movie at home together (with no one else on the couch or in earshot) or a dinner out. Maybe it’s an impromptu firepit happy hour with your peeps.

Remember, you no longer have to work your life around the children at all times. You’re allowed to have your own friends and sphere.

3

Set aside special family time, too.

4

Get extra support if you need it. For you, your

Sometimes we get so caught up in the day-to-day that we neglect the relationships right in front of us. Nurture your new and evolving relationship with your student. Find a new show to binge watch. Play a new game — my 23-year-old brought home Codenames and we loved it. Dust off a puzzle or play cards.

student or both. The old adage is true: This too shall pass. But in the meantime, mental health struggles are at an all-time high. College kids and even recent grads who never experienced homesickness suddenly want to come home. Students can feel isolated or may be dealing with anxiety even if they’re living with family or friends. Counselors, therapists and life coaches are easy to connect with online including through the college’s counseling center website.

2020 and beyond has been topsy-turvy and altered our lives in profound ways. But we are not alone.

We can have each other’s backs.

Hang in there, just a little longer.

Summer’s coming! Let’s make it a bright new season of balance, harmony and optimism.

21

BY JENNIFER SULLIVAN

4 Steps to Better Conversations with Your Student Entering a teen’s room to talk can feel like walking into a lion’s cage. They suspect you’re there to get something (because you are) and immediately put up their guard.

When I coach college parents, I frequently offer advice about how they can engage their teenagers in open and meaningful conversations that last longer than the usual two word response, “I’m fine.” Here are the four key steps!

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1

Set the Stage Parents and supporters, think for a second about how you would answer if someone asked you to share your proudest moment from the past few weeks. You’d need a few minutes to reflect, filter through all your recent activities and then identify an experience you felt comfortable sharing.

Now imagine you were asked to do this while standing in line at the grocery store.

When it comes to conversations with our emerging adults, environment and timing can be just as important as the words we use. To increase the likelihood of your teen engaging in a conversation, think about where they feel relaxed and valued. Do they enjoy going on walks with the family dog? Do they love car rides with their favorite music playing? Are they at ease on the basketball court or on the beach?

Each person’s comfort zone is unique to them. Each sibling’s comfort zone is different, too, and the location where you and your student are most likely to connect and chat could be completely different from where their brother or sister feels comfortable opening up.

Spring 2021

4

Lead (Don’t Push) Your Student to the Answer

2

Ask a Relationship-Building Question First Before jumping into the real question you want to ask, I suggest breaking the ice with a relationship-building question that will get you halfway there. Some scenarios: What you want to know: Why did you get a D in English?

The question you ask first: What was your favorite class this semester? What was your least favorite? What do you think made that class so difficult?

What you want to know: How come you haven’t started applying for summer internships yet?

3

The question you ask first: Have you thought about how you might want to spend summer break? In a perfect world, where would you be and what would you be doing?

Recognize Your Body Language Once your college student has started talking, your body language will be a factor in whether or not they keep sharing or pull away. I’ve noticed that when I walk into my daughter’s bedroom and stay standing with my arms crossed she’s less likely to talk with me.

Studies in the psychology of communication have shown that an imbalance in the height and perceived authority of two people can affect the willingness of one person to communicate with the other. If your teen is sitting on the couch, on the floor or on their bed and you initiate a conversation while standing above them, your stance alone can shut it down before it starts.

I recommend asking your teen if you can sit next to them.

If they’re having a cup of hot chocolate on the couch, consider making a cup of tea and asking, “You look comfy — mind if I join you?”

www.collegiateparent.com

After years of working with students, I can pretty quickly identify negative habits that are affecting their success.

When I coach a student who’s struggling socially or academically, I always have a goal or skill in mind that I know will help to “solve” their problem. However, if I were to say, “Here’s what you’re doing wrong and here’s what you need to do about it,” the student would probably respond defensively and start tuning me out.

I see my role as guiding the students I coach to identify the problem themselves and identify the solution on their own. This takes strategic questioning (see #2 above) and patience, but it’s the path to learning.

It can be difficult to listen without judgment and to resist the urge to offer a quick solution. But there is so much more value in responding with, “How do YOU think you would solve that problem?”

Summer is the perfect season for closer conversations.

You may already have noticed that, as your teen becomes more independent, your communication style with them is gradually shifting from being someone who problem solves and offers solutions to someone who listens and offers support.

It may be hard to hang back and not jump into action. But often when our teens open up and share their struggles, they’re looking mostly for affirmation that they can figure it out on their own.

When you hear about a small problem that doesn’t require immediate adult intervention, consider saying, “That sounds like a tough situation you’re in. I’m here to help if you want to talk more.”

When your student recognizes that you trust and have confidence in them, they’ll be more likely to share details with you — the good and the not so good — in the future.

23

Meet Amy Amy Baldwin is the Director of Student Transitions at the University of Central Arkansas.

She and co-author Brian Tietje have written A High School Parent’s Guide to College Success: 12 Essentials. She is also the lead author of College Success (OpenStax), a free online student success book. Her other books include The College Experience, The Community College Experience, and The College Experience Compact with Brian Tietje and Paul Stoltz, all published by Pearson Education. She and her husband are parents of two college students.

The Summer Break Academic Boost

BY AMY BALDWIN, ED.D.

Last summer in the middle of the pandemic, I enrolled my son (an incoming freshman) in College Algebra. It’s a requirement for his major and I thought he would benefit from “easing into” college with one class — he’d learn how to navigate a class online and gain confidence taking a course in a subject he enjoyed in high school.

Truthfully, I was concerned that his first semester would be challenging as he juggled a new environment (which would include social distancing and wearing masks) along with the expectations of intensive classes. I wanted him to feel less overwhelmed. Plus, I wasn’t really excited for him to sit around the house all summer playing Minecraft, even if that kept him safe. I also wanted to set the tone that summers are no longer solely about fun and games, but can and should be an integral part of getting ready for life after graduation.

As an educator who teaches first-year students how to plan their degrees so they can graduate on time, it sometimes takes a little nudging to get them to see summer as more than just a break for travel or work. But summer can be so much more if your student is willing to dedicate a little time to continue learning.

Summer

can be so much more if your student is willing to dedicate a little time to continue learning.

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Spring 2021

Get Ahead or Catch Up

Improve Academic Skills

One reason a majority of students who earn a bachelor’s degree don’t finish in four years is that they’re not able to complete enough credit hours each semester to stay on track. Taking classes in the summer can give them a credithour cushion in case they need to drop a class or in the unfortunate event they fail one.

Summer classes can also help your student home in on specific academic skills that need strengthening, especially if they struggled in a similar class previously. Here are ways your student can use the summer to improve those skills:

Taking one or two classes during a shorter term also allows your student to focus on limited subject matter, improve their GPA, and practice academic skills that can help them build long-term confidence.

Taking a summer class requires planning, though. Here are some tips for making the most of these in-between terms: • Research what’s offered. At most institutions, there is a limited number of summer classes, so be sure your student chooses classes that are needed for their degree. An advisor can be very helpful in reviewing the scheduling and choosing the best options.

• Commit to the time. Your student needs to have the time to take summer classes without interruptions. If they cannot take classes for several hours a day over the course of several weeks, they may need to rethink the summer term. Don’t schedule vacation or a job during summer classes.

• Remember summer is fast-paced. There is a reason that students are limited to very few credit hours they can take in a summer term. Summer courses cover the same amount of material at two or three times the speed of a regular semester. Most classes will require daily attendance and evenings and weekends filled with studying.

www.collegiateparent.com

• Get a tutor. Check with the tutoring center for one-on-one help or connect with classmates for recommendations. If your student enrolls (or reenrolls) in a class that challenged them, using a tutor through the term can be a great way to get just-intime support.

• Set goals. What does your student want to improve?

Suggest that your student create specific, measurable goals and tasks. If they want to increase the amount of time they study, they should record when and how long they plan to study each day. Then, they can check their progress.

• Check in. If your student takes a class, they should regularly check in with their professor to determine how they are doing. This is especially important if they’ve struggled in classes before or if the course is challenging. Professors want to help their students.

“How am I doing so far?” or “What advice can you give me for improving my grade?” are good questions to ask.

If your student needs to work during the summer, or has a great opportunity for an internship or travel, then of course encourage them to do that. However, if they have the time to use summer for moving ahead in their degree, catching up or improving their skills, help them see summer as the key to their college success.

25

Rocking a

BY ALLYSON LETTERI

Virtual Internship

The COVID-19 pandemic has changed college life in countless ways. When classes went online last year, so did many of the jobs and internships available to students.

If your student is considering a remote internship this summer, it may not be the exciting experience they were dreaming about. But it’s absolutely possible for students to use the remote internship experience to their advantage.

With a few strategic tips from you, they’ll feel empowered to make the most of it!

1

7 Tips for Rocking a Virtual Internship Set goals and milestones with your manager.

One of the most important ways a virtual intern can set themselves up for success is to get on the same page with their manager about focus areas and the best way to measure outcomes throughout their time at the organization.

Your intern can make a great first impression by proactively suggesting projects to tackle and ways to measure success.

They can propose weekly milestones, laying out what they want to accomplish by the end of each week of their internship.

In any internship, new hires should not expect projects and expectations to be spoon-fed to them. This is particularly true in a remote format, when access to teammates is limited.

26

Spring 2021

2 3

Communicate often.

In a virtual environment, your intern should never assume that people know what they’re working on. Instead, they should proactively share what they’re working on, give updates about their progress, and measure the impact of their projects.

A weekly update email to their team or manager is a great way to keep their team in the loop about their work. And if the opportunity is offered, encourage your intern to give an end-of-internship presentation where they share their learnings and wrap up their projects with the larger group.

Be engaged on Zoom.

We all struggle at times to stay focused during video meetings. Your intern might be tempted to multitask or zone out during long Zoom calls, but keeping their head in the game is important for both their professional development and for making a good impression.

Encourage them to find ways to stay plugged in and engaged! This might mean offering to take notes during a meeting and then sharing next steps with teammates — a gesture all attendees will appreciate. It could also be as simple as planning to ask at least one question or make a relevant comment over the course of the meeting. These simple tricks will help your intern stay alert during calls and positively impact their team’s success.

4

Proactively learn from your team.

It can feel tough to make genuine connections with team members when you never get to meet in person. Interning remotely means your college student will miss out on the chance to make small talk in the office hallway or over a quick coffee.

They can still get to know people — it just takes more effort in a virtual environment. Encourage your intern to reach out to people they’ve observed in company meetings who seem interesting and approachable. Maybe this is someone who could help them grow in specific areas or share information that could be useful for the projects they’re working on.

Your student can send a quick message with a brief introduction and request a 15-minute video call “coffee chat.” They should be mindful about others’ workloads and schedules, but most people are eager to help interns learn and grow.

www.collegiateparent.com

5 6 7

Find a mentor inside the company.

After meeting a few new people through these proactive coffee chats, your intern might find that they really connected with a more experienced teammate. Perhaps this person comes from a similar background, has like interests, or works in a role that your student aspires to pursue after graduation! Interns often find mentors during their time with an organization. If yours decides to ask a senior teammate to mentor them, encourage them to do their research, prepare thoughtful questions about their career path, and be respectful of their mentor’s time.

Connect with other interns.

Internships aren’t just about connecting with senior professionals. Encourage your college student to forge relationships with other interns; these friendships will make their day-to-day more enjoyable while also adding to their professional network. Today’s fellow intern could be the person who refers them to an amazing job after graduation, or even a decade down the line!

Take screen breaks.

An internship — especially one that takes place from home — is the perfect opportunity to practice balance and cultivate healthy habits. Sometimes your intern may feel like they “live at work” instead of “work from home.”

Suggest they refresh themselves periodically by taking a quick walk or a true lunch break (away from their screens).

They should try to fit exercise into every day, whether it’s before work or by taking walking meetings outside. If they end up with some evening work, they should find ways to time-bound their projects and set goals for specific tasks to complete so that work doesn’t take up the entire night.

During their virtual internship, your student can learn valuable lessons they’ll carry with them throughout their career. With encouragement from you to establish positive workplace habits, they’ll be well-equipped for whatever their professional future holds — behind a screen and in person.

Meet Allyson

Allyson Letteri is the VP of Marketing at Handshake, the leading career community for students. She began her career at the Boston Consulting Group in San Francisco and also worked at Intuit. Allyson holds a BS in Business Administration and BA in Political Science from the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill as well as an MBA from Stanford University.

27

Apartments for 2021!

A Summer

Wellness Checklist

The coming summer months are the perfect time to help your student develop healthier habits that they can carry back with them to college in the fall. Find information about many of these topics — along with conversation tips — in the Wellness category on CollegiateParent.com.

Schedule check-ups. Doctor, dentist, eyes, any specialists your student should see regularly. If your student doesn’t already make their own appointments, here’s a chance to teach them how. Review health insurance coverage, too.

Complete a HIPAA form (if you don’t already have one on file). This allows you to be part of health conversations and decisions with your student’s medical providers.

Teach healthy nutrition and basic cooking skills. Whether your student lived on or off campus this year, they may have relied heavily on fast food deliveries and snacks. Show them how to shop for and prepare a few easy, healthy meals.

Talk about substance use. Many students use and misuse alcohol, drugs, caffeine and nicotine. Vaping (Juuling), “energy drinks” and other unhealthy behaviors can become problems before students know it. Keep your eyes open, and don’t be afraid to ask what they’ve experimented with or may be using on a regular basis.

30

Support sexual health and healthy relationships. This is another topic that can be sensitive or awkward to bring up, but it’s so important to talk about.

Develop new fitness routines. With gyms closed and team sports cancelled, it’s been hard for many students to engage in their preferred forms of exercise. Set some fitness goals together and help them find a fun physical activity they can keep up with when they return to campus in the fall.

Cut back on screens. Read for fun. Build something, plant something. Instead of texts and emails, handwrite letters to grandparents and friends.

Address sleep issues. Insufficient and irregular sleep can impair both mental and physical health.

Summer is a great time for your student to improve their sleep routine.

Spring 2021

Practice Happiness Habits Happiness isn’t something we can buy and there’s no point chasing it. But we CAN practice it!

1

Nourish healthy relationships.

People with close friends are happier. It doesn’t matter if you have four besties or one. What makes a difference is if and how often you share feelings and spend time with someone you trust. Focus essential energy on your loved ones, nourish your healthy relationships, and whenever possible avoid toxic relationships.

2

Show kindness.

3

Be grateful.

4

Live in awareness.

People who volunteer or care for others regularly are happier. Having a “prosocial focus” (doing kind acts for others) increases our own happiness. Random acts of kindness count, too!

Study after study shows that people who write down three things they are grateful for each day are happier in their lives after just six weeks.

Too often, our default is to move mindlessly through our days. When we are mindful, we’re more engaged and less judgmental. We have thousands of thoughts a day and many are negative. Try to catch yourself in any negative self-talk and reframe. Talk yourself up! Just as important is to pay attention to positive experiences. Savor them!

www.collegiateparent.com

5

Utilize your strengths and find time for activities you love.

6

Take care of physical well-being.

Happy people have discovered their own unique strengths and use them not only as they strive for personal goals but also in pursuit of a greater cause or purpose. When we’re involved in an activity that aligns with our skills but also challenges us, we enter a state of “flow” — so immersed we lose track of time. Flow is a happy place to be!

The way we eat, breathe, move and rest, even our facial expressions, affects the release of our body’s feelgood chemicals. A landmark analysis of 23 studies on exercise and depression concluded that regular exercise had a “large clinical impact” on depression.

Happiness is the collective experience of our positive emotions. Take stock of the habits you already practice and keep at it! Observe which happiness habits could use a little more of your attention, and try to find time to practice.

Learn more at Pursuit-of-Happiness.org.

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BY ROB DANZMAN, NCC, LCMHC

Supporting Your Student’s Mental Health Over the years of working with college students, I’ve seen a steady increase in anxiety and depression.

I’ve also seen more students struggle with motivation issues. Since COVID, I’m seeing added stressors like social isolation and struggles with online learning.

This past year has been challenging on so many levels. Many of us are doing okay, but many of us aren’t. Your student may have been struggling already, or you may have new reasons to be concerned. Let’s take a quick look at four common stressors students face, coping skills they can use to get through — and what you can do to help.

32

Anxiety Nearly every student I work with has anxiety. They may not use that word, but the symptoms add up (e.g., persistent racing thoughts, elevated heart rate, trouble sleeping). Stress is normal and actually helps activate us for a task. Anxiety on the other hand is an unhealthy perception that a stressor is more severe and permanent than reality would indicate. Anxiety is persistent, although at times it may quietly pulse in the background. It can make students avoid hanging out with friends, check their grades or attend class.

Depression Each year around 30% of college students are diagnosed with depression.

Since those are the ones who contact a professional, it’s probably a huge underestimate. Nearly every student I work with has some form of depression.

Depression is not the same as feeling sad or a response to a bad event. It’s the experience of feeling despondent for weeks/months/years at a time. College students rarely share with the adults in their life just how depressed they feel. You may notice behavioral changes well before hearing that they’re hurting so much.

Motivation Of all the challenges I work on with college students, motivation issues are the hardest to overcome. There’s usually a history of being accused of laziness, as if the student was morally deficient or just a slacker. However, research in the last few years has found a definitive neurological basis for why so many people struggle with motivation. Real motivation issues are a deep trench within which we feel stuck. I work with so many students who sincerely want to get stuff done but can’t get started or can’t complete a task.

Substance Use Unfortunately college students (like the general population) use and misuse a lot of substances from super-addictive prescription drugs like Xanax, Klonopin, Valium and Ativan to weed (marijuana), alcohol, nicotine and caffeine (found in ridiculously high amounts in popular “energy drinks”). All of these things have negative effects on our brains and bodies.

Spring 2021

Look for Chances to Talk About and Model the Use of Healthy Coping Skills Coping skills are thoughts and behaviors that can help college students (and anyone!) get more comfortable with, minimize and deal with stressors. Coping skills can provide temporary reprieve or long-term solace. I’ve split them up into four categories. The best way to encourage your student to use these skills is by having subtle conversations about what’s not working in their life. (Unsolicited advice doesn’t work so well as I’m sure you already know.)

1

Diversions This type of a coping skill helps college students avoid destructive or unhealthy thoughts, providing a temporary interruption until they can think clearly again.

• Exercise (something requiring focus like weight lifting) • Reading a book (fiction, poetry) • Listening to (chill) music or a podcast • Writing/journaling about something other than current thoughts and feelings • Playing a game or solving a puzzle (Solitaire, Sudoku, crosswords, etc.)

2

• Doing chores like cleaning your bedroom or the kitchen • Playing an instrument like a guitar

3

Social Coping Skills Sharing their struggles and talking through the pain helps students more accurately identify problems and process uncomfortable feelings. It’s also an opportunity to accept support and advice.

• Share thoughts/feelings with a friend — practice being vulnerable • Practice saying “no” to unhealthy situations • Organize online games • Ignore yourself (for a bit) and support a friend • Practice asking for what you need (Note: Using your in-person social network is different from spending time on social apps like Instagram and Snapchat.

Comparing to others and the fear of missing out eats our brains and messes with our sense of belonging and self-worth.)

4

Physical Coping Skills These are about changing behaviors in order to improve a situation, decrease negative feelings, and promote mental space to get through tough things. Some behaviors I encourage my clients to adopt are: • Focusing on heartbeat for 30 seconds • Deep or mindful breathing • Reducing intake of sugar, caffeine and stimulants • Exercising for at least 30 minutes • Taking a nap • Eating healthy foods: fruit, vegetables, nuts, salmon

Thinking Differently

Unhealthy Coping Behaviors to Avoid

Students often have their emotions dictate their behavior.

Thinking differently (or developing what clinicians call “cognitive skills”) helps them identify unhealthy thinking landmines and possibly reverse the negative downward spiral. Here are strategies that work well:

Some behaviors may bring a temporary sense of relief but can hurt you in the long run. Here are unhealthy coping behaviors I see many college students use:

• Find a mantra or phrase associated with something positive • Consider cost/benefit analysis of a decision • Consider other perspectives in new situations • Practice observing thoughts and feelings without judgment • Reward yourself when accomplishing something hard or big • List and express gratitude

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• Reliance on alcohol, drugs and prescription medications • Expressing disproportionate anger at others • External locus of control (blaming others for bad things that happen) • Cutting/self-harm • Catastrophizing Coping skills are not meant to fix anything. They buy us time to develop practices that become healthy routines. The coming summer break with your college student is a chance for you to listen, to observe and to talk about healthier ways to think and behave — and about the possibility of connecting with a therapist or counselor if it feels like it’s time to take that positive, proactive step.

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Paying for College During COVID

With nationwide shutdowns and changes in employment, the pandemic has impacted many families financially — including their ability to pay for college. If you find you are short on funds to pay for your student’s education, use these tactics before you decide to take out loans.

BY SUZANNE SHAFFER

Your first stop in securing additional funding is the college financial aid office. If your family situation has changed (loss of income due to COVID-19), your EFC (Expected Family Contribution) will change as well. That simply means that the college may be able to offer you additional funding (a grant, or perhaps your student now qualifies for work study) to supplement your current financial aid package. The office will require documentation to initiate a change, so be prepared to provide it.

Contact the College

When contacting the college, be sure also to ask about any scholarships or grants offered from specific departments or majors on campus. Your student can contact professors within their major area of study to ask if they know of any grants or scholarships available to current students.

Search for Outside Scholarships Students should always be searching and applying for outside scholarships! There are scholarships available for current students based on specific majors, areas of interest, ethnicity and more. Given that it’s almost summer, your student can start by doing a Google search for “scholarships with extended deadlines” — insert your city or state as well. They can also search using specific criteria such as scholarships for science majors or scholarships for college sophomores.

Did you know the federal government provides a searchable list of scholarships? The Department of Labor’s CareerOneStop website features more than 8,000! Your student can highlight results according to their degree level and the location of their home and school.

Here are a few more websites to explore: Scholarships.com, CollegeScholarships.org, Cappex.com and Unigo.com.

And don’t forget to search locally. Ask family and friends.

Listen to the news. Pay attention to local bulletin boards and businesses.

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Seek Grant Funding There are grant programs designed to benefit every kind of student in every area of study. Thousands of organizations, both public and private, provide grant money in varying amounts to students who are struggling to cover their college tuition.

However, finding the right grant program takes time, research and commitment. Your student can search online and at the library. Proper research will help lead you to the grant you need. There are need-based, merit-based and career-specific grants. When searching, be specific. For example, if your student is a Hispanic female attending college to become an accountant, search for grant programs dedicated to Latin-American female students enrolled in business and accounting studies.

Many grant programs are found in unlikely places. As your student digs deeper, they may uncover funds that have not yet been claimed. To get started, check out these lists provided by CollegeScholarships.org: •

101 College Grants You’ve Never Heard Of

•

Education Grant Benefits and Opportunities

If they haven’t already, your student should also pursue grants provided by state education departments. Student Loan Hero has compiled a list of each state education

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website along with the grants offered by each in their Guide to State Grants and Scholarships.

Other Ways to Lower the Bill • Graduate early. If your student earned AP or IB credits in high school, or earned credits through concurrent enrollment, be sure they make the most of them.

Enrolling in summer session courses (typically less expensive than a regular term) can get them to the goal faster. Even saving one semester’s tuition will be significant. If your student will take summer classes someplace other than their home institution (a local community college, or online), make extra sure that the credits will transfer.

• Apply to be an RA after freshman year. Resident Assistants typically get free or reduced price on-campus housing — a huge savings.

• Use the services you’re already paying for. Stick to the meal plan rather than spending on takeout. Use public transportation provided by the university (or ride a bike) instead of keeping a car on campus. Drop the paid gym membership and work out at the campus rec center instead.

• Live at home. If your student attends school within commuting distance, they could save by living at home — even if just for a semester or two.

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BY DEBORAH PORTER

Moving Off Campus

How to Help Your Student Do This Well There comes a time when living in a 180-square-foot room with another person and all of your earthly belongings just doesn’t cut it. Your college student is ready to move off campus.

It’s a big decision, and as their parent or guardian there are several things to know before they cajole you into cosigning a lease. Moving off campus too soon can hamper a student’s ability to form connections and friendships.

And it’s not just a simple question of paying rent. There will be loads of new things for your student to worry about: additional expenses (like utilities and transportation), food, security and summer arrangements, to name a few.

If your student is considering living off campus, or will make the move this summer, here’s what to discuss!

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Cost The annual price of room and board at four-year institutions ranges from $9,669 to $11,823 (educationdata.org). It sounds like a lot, but keep in mind that the sum is allinclusive and covers a student’s room, internet, water, heat, and usually at least two meals a day.

The cost of off-campus housing varies greatly depending on the real estate market in the area, the type of housing (apartment, fraternity/sorority house), typical utility costs, and the number of roommates. These variables should be considered if the goal is to save money by moving off campus.

Meals This was a big one when two of our three children wanted to move off campus. Would they cook, could they get an abbreviated meal plan, or would they be ordering Uber Eats every night (yikes!)?

Here’s how it worked out. Our daughter enjoyed cooking and I had more pots, pans and utensils than I would ever use. So we packed up some of my overflow and provided her with a grocery store gift card every month for food. The cost for rent and groceries was much less than what room and board would’ve been at her university.

For our oldest son, who was not looking forward to being his own chef, we paid for a commuter student meal plan. At the end of the day, it didn’t save us money but it wasn’t much more than the cost of room and board. He bought cereal and other quick breakfast foods as well as easy-to-prepare lunch options. The commuter plan filled in the rest quite nicely.

Spring 2021

Location/Safety

Leases/Sub-Leases

Attending a school doesn’t mean your college student is aware of the surrounding neighborhoods’ crime statistics.

As a former probation officer, I still know those numbers from some of the neighborhoods where our kids were looking. So it might be wise to employ Google and check those stats with your student. The old adage is often true: “You get what you pay for.”

Most lease agreements are for 12 months. But here’s the thing — most university academic calendars are nine months.

So what happens to the remaining three? I’m glad you asked.

Each of our college students signed a 12-month lease. My oldest planned to stay in her college town that summer so the math worked out. However, our son wasn’t staying for the summer but assured us that subleasing would be easy.

“Everyone does it, Mom — it won’t be a problem!”

Additionally, how far are the new digs from campus? Does your student have a car? How much is a campus parking permit? If they’ll need public transportation, is it readily available?

I’d be remiss not to address safety issues related to the COVID-19 pandemic. We don’t know what Fall ’21 will look like, but most schools that are testing on-campus students make testing available to off-campus students, too. Monitoring behavior (the choices students make about socializing, activities, travel, etc.) is another matter.

So talk about personal and communal responsibility with your off-campus student. They should know their school’s expectations around COVID safety and follow the student code of conduct.

Roommates

Well, everyone may do it but it was a problem and we had to eat three months of rent. Signing (or co-signing) that lease puts you on the hook for whatever the contract says, period.

After hearing horror stories from students who did sublease and the damage that was left behind, I guess we made out okay. But lesson learned.

If your student will be taking over the lease from an existing tenant, the fine print matters. Read it! (Primarily to make sure sub-leasing is allowed.)

For our kids, living off campus senior year was a reward for a job well done during their first three years. It also gave them a taste of budgeting, grocery shopping and early adulting.

So have the conversation, agree that you’ll both be open to hearing the other, and remember — one year goes by quickly.

There’s sure to be another lease around the corner.

The chance to live with your BFF definitely starts out in the honeymoon phase. However, being friends and living as roommates are two very different things. Does your student’s skillset include the ability to have difficult conversations? They’ll need to talk about: • Sharing expenses for common supplies • Managing chores like cleaning, trash removal and yard care • Splitting the bills (garbage collection, utilities, etc.)

• Will they respect quiet hours on certain days to allow each person the atmosphere needed to study?

• Are overnight guests permitted and if so how many and for how long?

Our children both lived with friends when they moved off campus. To protect the innocent, I’ll simply say that one had a better experience than the other. Living with your BFF can be an added pressure to the relationship.

Communication is key.

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There’s lots more to talk about with your off-campus student!

Visit the Housing category on CollegiateParent.com for articles about understanding a lease, getting your security deposit back, being a good tenant and neighbor, staying connected to your college community, and more.

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Choosing/ Changing Majors and Exploring

Alternate Pathways

BY COLLEGIATEPARENT

As the school year wraps up, your student may be feeling that they need a change.

Maybe their major isn’t a good fit, leading to a lack of enthusiasm about their coursework.

If they haven’t declared a major yet, that also could lead to angst. Or maybe college itself doesn’t feel like where they want to be right now.

Know that it’s common for college students to need a break or want a change — even when there isn’t a global pandemic, which has made it nearly impossible for most students to have anything close to a “normal” college experience this year.

Stay positive! Your student has lots of options. Read on for information that will help you have supportive and productive conversations.

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Changing Majors Students change majors for a variety of reasons and it’s perfectly normal.

In addition to discussing what led them to this new direction (was it a single fabulous course or professor? a new career goal?), here are a few questions you can ask to help your student make the best decision:

• How many additional courses do you need to take? The earlier the change is made, the less likely your student will need to take lots of additional courses.

• Will you need to take more credit hours per term or take summer classes to stay on track? In some cases, an additional course per term or a couple of classes during the summer may be all that’s needed to graduate in four years.

• What other requirements does the new degree plan include?

Some degree plans require internships or practicums that must be taken into consideration. As always when working toward a degree, your student should consult with an academic advisor to ensure they’re completing required courses in the right sequence.

Spring 2021

First-year students who haven’t declared a major yet still have time to explore new areas of study in their classes next fall (at most schools, the deadline for declaring a major is second semester of sophomore year).

Encourage your student to focus on what they want to learn rather than what major sounds “good,” to compare degree plans, and to talk to recent graduates about how they felt about (and enjoyed) their majors. Your student should also take advantage of campus resources and speak regularly with an academic advisor and also a career counselor.

Stepping Away from College There are lots of reasons students decide to take a break from college: academic burnout, uncertainty about their goals and purpose, health or financial issues, and more. You can support your student by helping them navigate the steps necessary to take a leave of absence from their school.

Next, you can be a sounding board as they explore options for their time away from the classroom. Work?

Travel? Volunteer? Intern? Maybe a combination of part-time job or internship and community college classes would be a good balance.

Perhaps they want to turn a hobby or passion into a business!

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Other Ways to Prepare for (or Dive Right into) a Career Your student may have decided that traditional college isn’t for them. The good news: Though a bachelor’s degree is always a solid investment, there are more ways than ever to be a learner and to build skillsets that make a person highly employable in today’s job market.

Many community colleges offer associate degrees and certificate programs in technical and skilled trade fields; evening and online classes mean your student can hold down a job at the same time.

Trade and technical schools provide instruction for a variety of skilled, in-demand careers most of which require two years or less of training.

Make sure the school is accredited by the U.S. Department of Education.

For a less formal approach, your student can explore the many free and low-cost online classes and certifications available through platforms like EdX, Open Culture, Coursera, LinkedIn Learning, MasterClass, Udacity and Codeacademy. And they can learn how to do almost anything for free by watching YouTube videos!

The world is full of opportunities and they are all wide open to your student! Find information about alternatives to traditional college, advice for transfer students, dealing with academic probation or dismissal, gap years, online education and more by searching topics on CollegiateParent.com.

Apprenticeships are growing in popularity for good reason! They combine classroom instruction with hands-on training and are a great option for students ready to get straight into real-world work. Learn more at Apprenticeship.gov.

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Meet Our Writers Amy Baldwin is the Director of Student Transitions

Channon S. Miller is an Assistant Professor of

at the University of Central Arkansas and co-author of numerous books about the college experience and student success. She and her husband are the parents of two college students.

History at the University of San Diego specializing in African American History. She earned her PhD in American Studies at Boston University.

Shari Bender works as Communication and Marketing Director for a large electrical firm on Long Island. A catloving spiritual vegan and (mostly) empty nester, Shari writes for a variety of sites including CollegiateParent and Grown & Flown.

Rob Danzman is a licensed clinical mental health counselor and Nationally Certified Counselor. Author of The Insider’s Guide to Parenting, Rob’s counseling practice focuses on teen and college student anxiety, depression, substance use and motivation issues.

Mary Scott Douglas is a junior at Vanderbilt University majoring in Political Science, Spanish, and Medicine Health and Society. She is passionate about human rights and hopes to attend law school after college.

Emily Griffen is the director of the Loeb Center for Career Exploration and Planning at Amherst College, where she works with faculty, alumni and employers to create and broaden professional opportunities for liberal arts students.

Emily spends her free time cooking and enjoying the beautiful landscapes of Western Massachusetts.

Allyson Letteri is the VP of Marketing for Handshake.

She began her career at the Boston Consulting Group in San Francisco and also worked at Intuit. Allyson attended the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill as an undergrad and earned an MBA from Stanford University.

Anne Maytubby is a junior at the University of

Deborah Porter is the Founder of Moms Mentoring Circle, a regular contributor on WTVR’s Virginia This Morning, and occasional guest on WJLA’s The Mother Side. She and her husband raised three children, all college graduates.

Suzanne Shaffer counsels students and families through her blog, Parenting for College. In addition to CollegiateParent, her advice has been featured on Huffington Post, Yahoo Finance, U.S. News College, TeenLife, Smart College Visit and numerous other sites.

Jennifer Sullivan is a private executive functioning coach, the founder of Fast Forward College Coaching, and the author of Sharing the Transition to College: Words of Advice for Diverse Learners and Their Families.

Laura Tobar is a member of the Class of 2022 at Stanford University, where she studies Communication.

When she isn’t reading or writing, you can find her experimenting with new vegan recipes, watching football or expressing herself through art and poetry.

CollegiateParent has published this edition of College Parent Magazine for parents of college students in Raleigh.

This publication was made possible by the businesses and professionals contained within it. The publisher does not endorse the products or services offered by the advertisers. ©2021 CollegiateParent. All rights reserved.

San Diego where she’s majoring in Environmental Science with a minor in Environmental Policy. Anne interns at CollegiateParent when she’s home from college as well as writing for the website.

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Spring 2021

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