The Hermeneutic Magazine, Issue 4

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Hermeneutic Magazine Issue 04 • Fragments TheKomorebiAssaultsStoryof Ana Ni Smalltown Pseudo-Punk (1991) Drifting Train Thoughts “Square,NichtNocheinmalmehrPractical, Good” texts and pictures by Sebastian Mayer and Colin Schälli

01 (TextAssaultsfrom 2021) I was 19, the year was 1993, and I was living in the backyard, “back-building, house number 49, on Dunckerstrasse, in Prenzlauer Berg, Berlin, Germany, I’ve/Europe.had an evening at Hexenkessel in Mitte. The „Witches Cauldron“ was a little club in a wooden shed on a fallow, an unclaimed, undeveloped gap between some run-down buildings on Schönhauser Allee close to RosaLuxemburg-Platz. Every evening they’d and a punch-bowl made from cider and raspberries, and some additional, strong MDMA. Just for the taste. It added some metallic bitterness, like licking a Theybattery.played some really good minimal electronic music there, sometimes. We’d drink some punch and dance around the bling witches. One/ night it started raining, and the trains were not going anymore. I had no raincoat with me and no money for a cab, so I started walking home. The rain was falling in thick drops, but at least it was not too cold. For now, it was a welcome, cooling rain between two hot and dry days in high summer. I/knew a secret way across an old Jewish graveyard to Kollwitzplatz, that I liked to take, even if it was a detour. I was obsessed with graveyards from a young age until my 30ies. I climbed across its wall at Schönhauser Allee and disappeared into the darkness of the graveyard. The dense foliage was covering the skies way through the shadowed canopy of the old, towering Beech trees, hitting me like thick, cold tears. I was cautiously the dark, across all those dead bodies, careful not to stumble or step onto a Igrave…respect the dead, I’m visiting and leaving InSacredquietly.grounds.frontofoneof the graves, I spoke a quick quiet prayer, as I always do. I picked up a small stone from the pathway and put it onto the tombstone. I was wet to the bones when I scaled the mossy wall on the other side of the graveyard, entering into a secret passage way, hidden away behind the buildings of Kollwitzstrasse. I never met anybody who knew about this old passage, it was leading directly to an iron gate onto Kollwitzplatz.

Cham’s graveyard is right next to the retirement home. If you ever are lucky enough to get put into the retire ment home in Cham, you will be able to enjoy an unobstructed view out of your window, directly onto your place“. If you get a room there, it’s gonna be your waiting room for the grave. They made that clear, just by architecture. The only thing worse would have been a slide directly from the room into the open Igrave.never wanted to end up there. My ashes shall be thrown into the winds at Mount Kurayama, Kyoto. At the devil’s lodge, at Wedawn…had our hair died black and cut short on the sides, wore 8-hole Doc Martens and had The Sisters of Mercy and The Cure on our walkmen. We would burn some candles on top of a grave, drink cheap red wine from the gas station, and discuss the shittiness of growing up in Cham, rather monosyllabically: A: „Everything sucks!“ B: „Yeah!“ A: „Pass that joint?“ B: “Maybe.” Soon,/ it was raining cats and dogs, as the British allegedly say, and the way home was still far: maybe another 15 minutes. My sneakers were so soaked now, that water was squirting out of them with every Istep.reached Kollwitzplatz, where I regularly climbed the statue of Kaethe Kollwitz when passing by, to kiss her on her cold bronze cheeks. I also kissed her now, even if the rain made her likeness dangerously slippery, but I like sticking to my strange habits. She was a good one. She really was. She Oppositewas. of Kaethe was Cafe Westphal, and Kaethe was directly looking at its large windows. Westphal was one of the with long-bearded intellectuals from early to late. They were sitting around in smokey air, drinking beers from the bottle, playing chess, discussing Dostojewski, and conspiring in plans for the next revolution. Tonight it was too late. When I passed by, the windows were dark, the large hall deserted, the doors long closed.

I love taking detours. In/ my high school days, a couple of friends and me could always be found sitting on the graveyard of Cham at night.

The/ rain was turning torrential when I went up Husemannstrasse. The water was pouring down my face as if some mischievous god was emptying a cornucopian bucket of water directly onto my Thehead.rainwas so strong, that I could not look straight anymore without getting water into my eyes, and so dense that I couldn’t see any further than 3 meters in front of me. I knew my way home, so I looked at my feet, wading knuckle-deep through the water gushing on the sidewalk.

I/crossed Danziger Strasse, there were not even cars in the street, and reached Dunckerstrasse on the other side. I was enclosed by the white noise of torrential raining, water trickling down my nose. I just wanted to get into the dry “Onlynow… two more entrance doors, then I’m home.” — I thought. Suddenly/ I hit something with my head. I fell Spaeti?“,backwards.Ithought while falling. (* “Spaeti” being a late-night shop, there was one on the front side of my that’s hanging outside the shop, the one that’s advertising Langnese ice cream? Didn’t it hang much higher?“ Before I could think any further there was a large shadow bending down onto me. A bald guy as big as a Golem, grabbing me by the collar of my jacket, pulling me up into the air, as if I wasn’t much more than a dazed, wet stray. He pinned me to the wall of the entrance to my house. I/was just hanging there, punched against chin, my feet hovering above the ground. He grunted, his breath hitting me with the thick smell of cheap brandy. A small guy with a pencil mustache jumped into view, snapping his little shiny switchblade knife open in front of my eyes. He grinned like a shark: „Your money.“ I gave him my wallet and with a down, and without another word spoken they disappeared into the depth of the monsoon-like, heavy rain. I/was paranoid for several weeks after that, couldn’t walk out anymore without breaking a sweat.

For/// some reason, the same combination of these two archetypes — a big one with a deep grunt and a small nasty one with a mustache — were standing in front of my door several years later. I opened the door — only wearing my undies — at 5:30 am, after I woke from very loud, aggressive knocking against my front door. They/ were the same guys, just wearing police uniforms now, and they had come unannounced to take me to the medical examination for the army services in Germany. I had lived for 9 years under the wrong addresses to hide from the military. I was an anarchist and serve any government, and I didn’t want to learn to kill people. It’s just not my game. I fought the law, but the law won. They/ both had their guns pulled when I stuck my head out, through the cautiously opened crack of my front door. „That looks like a Miami Vice pose with German coppers!“, I spontaneously thought. The thick one immediately pulled the door wide open, leaving me exposed, standing half-naked in the entrance to my the small one with mustache. „Fuck yea, I hope so!“ — I responded moodily. I was grumpy, as I stood there still halfof those two clowns. I tried hiding my bulging morning wood by casually letting my arm dangle in front of my boxer shorts. „The army is looking for you. We gotta take you to the medical examination, you should get dressed!“, the small one said while mustering my skinny frame skeptically. The/ small one followed me into my apartment that I had just moved in a week before. I didn’t have any furniture yet, were scattered across the room, together with drawings, notebooks, comics, it was a mess… I proceeded to pick some dirty socks from if they were still „okay“ to be worn, or if they had already turned toxic. I took a mental note that I really needed to get a washing machine. The mustached police guy stood behind me, with his stupid gun — held by both hands — pointing to the „I also was a bachelor one day! I also had no wife to clean up my apartment!“ — said the policeman while looking around. He sounded melancholic as if remembering better times, even though his apartment was probably kept cleaner now. „You look really dapper, sporting your well-groomed mustache, but you do actually sound like a full-on sexist asshole. You, Sir, are probably full of shit.“ — I Unfortunatelyresponded. not. I actually just thought Ithat.got into my skinny pants and a black T-Shirt, bound my high-top Doc Martens with a tight double-knot, put on my graphite-colored, herringbone-patterned, short coat, and then he put some handcuffs on my outstretched arms — in front of my belly, not in the back as in American TV shows — and lead me out to the fat one, who was still guarding caricature of a German cop in his mustard-colored uniform that was tensioning around his body: half man, half sausage. Together with his smaller partner, they looked as if they had jumped directly out of a Gerhard Seyfried comic. They/ put me into the caged back of their little green van and drove me to the away, somewhere in the far South-East of „CanBerlin.Ismoke?“ — I asked. „For sure, but open the window.“ — the small guy responded through the metal grid that separated the back area from the driver’s compartment. I smoked my Gauloises. It was weird smoking them in handcuffs because when I put my cigarette to my mouth with one hand, the chain between my wrists would pull the other hand up. I smoked ambidextrously as a praying mantis would. I felt comfortably dangerous, like the Outside, the slowly rising sun was pouring her soft, milk-colored morning light into the sooty, sticky greyness of East Berlin. rally/ indescribable utility building, long, thick red lines was printed on them. It looked as if we were in a slaughterhouse, and dead bleeding bodies had been pulled across them. I instantly hated it there. To the right were big windows to the waiting rooms for all the kids that had come to their appointment to get mustered. There were 4 to 6 boys wearing sports dresses in each of these rooms. Most of them were probably still going to Middle- or High-School, 16 to 19 years of age. They were waiting to prove that their young unbroken bodies were ready to be used and abused by the government. „Chickens!“ — I thought. I was 27 and I had to be delivered in handcuffs. I had a small cop in front of me, and a big one behind me, and we were causing a sensation. The kids all looked with big eyes and gaping mouths out from their windowed cages when our group passed by. I smiled back into their faces and saw some kind of fear, but also fascination in their eyes. I looked like a dangerous freak to them, a punk, because I had not voluntarily submitted my body to the government, I had to be taken there by their executive force: the police. “Fuck the government.” — I thought. At/ the reception counter, the small guy me into the custody of the mustering authority. I was not his problem „Haveanymore.anice day!“ — he said, after taking off my handcuffs. „You guys, too! And thanks for the ride!“ — I responded while rubbing my wrists. They turned around and walked away on the puke-colored carpet in their green costumes, and from behind, their Gestalt now reminded me of Laurel and Hardy. Somehow, I liked those guys. The/ receptionist took me to a dressing room in the basement. It was full of kids 10 years younger than me, getting into their sportswear. It smelled like the dressing room at my old high school: adolescent sweat, soaked with testosterone. It brought back some painful memories, and how much I hated sports at my school. Our teacher always made us play “Völkerball” ( = “Peoples’ Ball”), a game from Nazi-times, where you gotta hit your enemies as hard as possible with a ball to “kill them”. Usually, that game was played with a volleyball, but our sadistic sports teacher preferred the harder and much heavier gym ball. If you got hit really hard with it, then you’d get Symbolicallybruised.—also by its name — it was a simple game about two nations (or to war and killing each other. Everybody else loved it, but I refused. I was always the last one to be chosen for a team by the appointed leaders, and 02

watch these freaks play war, trying to hit their opponents as hard as possible, form, it was a game that was meant to be hurting, and it was obviously the way my Bavarian high school wanted us to each other for dominance. I refused to be indoctrinated by their system of hate. From this time, I always loathed competitive sports games, especially Now,“Völkerball”.Ihadnomore handcuffs, and could just have walked out after the receptionist had left me there, but I didn’t want to run away anymore. „I am too old now anyway, they’ll not take me.“ — I thought. I/had nothing else to dress, so I just hung my second-hand coat into the locker and sat down to wait for my call. One of the guys, he was wearing red short pants, his blank belly was chubby and very white, maybe 18 or 19 years of age, gleefully pulled a gun out of his sports bag, stepped onto one of the benches, and started bragging in front of the other kids. „I will serve my country well! I will make father’s gun! He’s a general!!“ His fatty cheeks were gleaming pink in excitement, he looked like a little piggy with a gun. The other kids were impressed. Everyone came gathering around him, and all wanted to touch and hold that ugly metal piece he was waiving in his hand above their heads. A gun is nothing more than a machine that’s making holes, a long-distance perforator. The scene in the dressing room looked like a fucking death cult for children to me, worshipping that stupid machine as if it was an idol. I turned my head away in disgust. My/ great-grandfather pulled me up onto his lap, talking about the war. He had served as a soldier in World War 1, working his way up to the position of an He lit one of his Rothändle cigarettes, which he was always smoking, and told me his story. He told me how he rode up a hill once with his mounted troop, a cavalry unit, to be on the other hillside. He heard an unfamiliar, deep roaring from the other side, so he pulled his sabre in expectation of a direct confrontation with the enemy, then saw the large shadow of a huge monstrous machine pushing its way up the hilltop, rising above him. He was scared to death, as he didn’t know what this thing was, he had never seen anything like it. As quickly as possible, he turned his horse around and led his troop away from there. dawn of a new age of killing machines. My great-grandfather was nearly 90 years old when he told me that story, and I was 4 or 5 years of age and did not understand everything he said, but I tried listening to him and tried making sense of his words. What I instantly understood was: he hated the war. After surviving the First World War he married my great grandmother, trying to lead a simple life. He had a larger farm in today’s Poland, where he maintained a small private library — the only one around — that he shared with his neighbors. Then the Nazis came, starting a Second World War, and they drafted him again. He didn’t want to be a soldier anymore, they had forced him. He also survived this second war, got caught by the advancing Russian troops, then spent some years as a prisoner in Russian captivity. released without any possessions. His farm had been taken by the Polish. He reunited with my great-grandmother, and together they went to West Germany, they were weary, trying to see my grandmother for one last time before their death, so he explained. They found her, moved in with her, and lived for another 40 plus years. “Never take part in a war, Sebastian!” — he explained. “Resist all wars, not want to see. I saw my friends dying. Now, I am old and alone, everyone else is long dead.”

He smoked until he was 93, then he quit. The years before, he had only been allowed to light his cigarettes in the bathroom, because of my greatgrandmother’s bronchitis. One day in winter he quit because it was just too cold on the toilet. He died peacefully in his sleep three years

PoliceGood. sent me an invoice of maybe 30 Deutschmarks for the police deployment.

have set me back for at least double that amount, so that was a good deal. Well: thanks for the ride.

Sebastian Mayer 03

They/later.examined me and sorted me out. I had broken my back 2 years before and it was showing on the x-ray. A bus accident on tour with my band, that nearly had left me paralyzed. To make it look even worse, I actually only stood on one foot while they x-rayed me. With this simple trick, my backbone looked as if it was bent.

04

(TextKomorebifrom May 11, 2016) Komorebi is an untranslatable Japanese expression that refers to the sunlight trees. It’s one of the many things that I noticed after coming back to Germany two years ago: even the light and the shadows are different here, and they invoke very different feelings inside of me. I remember watching the moving shadows of the trees and bushes on the screens of my window in Kyoto, wondering how the view of something as prosaic and common as moving shadows poetic sadness and how a simple shadow can be of such profound beauty, its movements like a hidden dance. in Germany, too, but the light and the trees somehow not only have a slightly different physical quality, but also a totally different metaphysical quality. Here in Germany it’s just “moving layer behind them (or maybe there is, I just can’t see it here?). When I’m trying really hard I might be don’t feel the intensity that I felt in Kyoto when looking at them (I actually feel ridiculous just talking about the beauty of moving shadows here in Berlin). The/ shadows in Kyoto were talking to me. The shadows here are less poetic, they are a bit bland to me, they are objectively viewed (“sachlich betrachtet” = “thing-ly viewed” ~ “viewed as a thing”) just nice-looking shadows of moving trees. The main feeling the shadows invoke in me here when I’m walking through the park in sunny weather is that I want to buy ice cream and rest in the shadows, at the trunks of the trees that are throwing them, which is also nice, but very different from what I experienced elsewhere. It is as if the shadows here have more of a purpose and less of poetic meaning: they just provide nice shelter from the sun. Isn’t that weird? How can something as common as a shadow existentially BE so different?

They felt otherworldly, strange. How can something as common as a wave existentially BE so different?

Related:/ When the plane descended down into Japan I was looking out of the plane mainland Japan. I looked at the waves breaking at the shores and I instantly realized that they looked different from any waves I’ve ever seen before. They actually looked like they’ve been taken directly from a Hokusai woodcut and rendered into real life (for sure it’s the other way around, but that was my I’ve never seen waves like this anywhere else, wherever I went. They were not only visually different - as if the laws of physics were somehow bent to produce some perfectly aesthetic (precisely cut) waves - they also had a completely different metaphysical quality, they “felt” Theydifferently.feltotherworldly, strange. How can something as common as a wave existentially BE so different? I’m/ not sure how much of this is just a explanation for it; different vegetation and different angle of sunlight in case of the shadows; also frosted windows are much more common in Japan, so the window is acting as a canvas, as a screen for the shadow play of the plants to paint their silent dance on; regarding the waves, the topography of the ocean be responsible for the impression I had. I don’t evaluate (I don’t say: this is better matically comparing the worlds I visited to the one that I’m in, there’s nothing I could do against it. And/ sometimes I look at something as common as the moving shadows of the trees in front of my window and think: this is weird, it not only looks totally different compared to other places I’ve been before, it also feels completely different. Sebastian Mayer

05

It is no joke: I needed to concentrate on these images that I urgently needed to work on and she was lying in the nude on squirting her juices all over the room. “Come fuck me!!”, she’d sigh. I could not concentrate on what I had to do at the computer, so I fucked her as hard as hu-manly possible, because she

Gardez vos Yeux d’Enfant / Nakameguro, Tokyo, 2007 — Maenad / Nakameguro, Tokyo, 2007 I can not remember how I met Ana Ni the Combine in Nakameguro. Combine was an artist’s hang-out and something like my living room in Tokyo. Maybe we met via another friend of mine, James from UK, who also frequented this bar. It doesn’t matter: all I can remember is that we had some nights out and had sex from the instant we met. She was from San Francisco, the daughter of Hongkong-Chinese immigrants, cute round face, nice small tits and a cunt that was so wet that you could drink from it. Her history was that she had worked for some computer-games company but got kicked out, and now she was travelling through Asia, connecting to her roots. She was seriously weird. I instantly liked her. She looked incredibly cute with her short blonde hair, in her silvery bomberjacket, wearing neon yellow sneakers. I’d pull down her skinny-pants and fuck her from behind, she wanted me to take her that way. Then she urgently needed a room because she got thrown out of any other place that she was living in, so she wanted to move in with me. For sure I offered her to stay at my place. My place was a tiny room in a shared “Gaijin-house”. Gaijin meaning: foreigner in Japanese. 7 and a half squaremeters in an old derelict Japanese wooden house right in the very center of Tokyo, 3km from the biggest crossing in the world. The space was just enough for a single matrace and a tiny spare space for a small plastic folding table and a chair. I payed 95,000 JPY per month (ca. 950 USD). I had the smallest room in the house, with my bed beneath the stairs to was walking up or down the wooden stairs I would hear their creaking steps just above my head. The/ concept of these “Gaijin Houses” is as perverted and capitalistic as things can get. There’s a company in Tokyo that rents the shittiest houses around for cheap, houses that no Japanese would like to live in anymore. Some of these houses were so run down and shaggy that they seemed to crumble to pieces with the next quake or typhoon. They sub-let these houses for 5 times the price to “Gaijins Only!”. It was even written in my contract that Japanese visitors were not allowed. My explanation was that the company feared that if a Japanese person sees the living-conditions we were living in then they’d get legal problems. It was dirty, there were rats, there was a shared kitchen that never got cleaned, and a bathroom that did not deserve this title. Just/ to explain what kind of place it was I’ll tell you some details: one day I was going to the bathroom and opened the door. In the middle of the small greentiled room was a fat rat, as big as a small kitten, sitting on its hind-legs and looking at me like a thief that got caught in the act of stealing a TV. I looked at it and it looked at me, we both did not move. Puzzled and in disbelief I closed the door, waited for 10 seconds, and when I dared to open the door again the rat was gone. It had just disappeared into the huge hole in the ground where the how big the hole in the ground was. You had to watch out not to incidentally step into it because you would have broken your leg or maybe get sucked into another unknown part of the universe, who Anyway:knows…ratwas gone, so I stepped beneath the shower-head and started taking a shower. With water and soap in my eyes I reached for my toothbrush that I kept in a glass on the half-rotten board that was installed there. I used a glass to store my bathroom-things because the board was so rotten that it would have been disgusting to put anything directly on there. The toothbrush felt weird and slimey in my hand, so I cleaned my eyes and looked at it and there was a goddamn snail all over it. In shock I let go of the toothbrush and it dropped onto the board. In that instant a scared cockroach the size of a small rat was running all over the board, away from the impact-point of the toothbrush. while taking a shower, so I decided to leave this pandemonium as quickly as possible. On the way out I stumbled across a spider the size of my palm. It was a zoo! Some/ of the other 6 or 7 people there were Otakus (= nerds ¯\_(¨)_/¯) that I very seldom met because they stayed in their rooms 24/7. One girl translated Manga-comics into Italian. She was living reason she had closed all the windows with cut-out cardboard. She lived completely shut-off from the outside world, there was no sunlight entering her room. I’ve met her maybe twice in 2 years, she was hollow-eyed and very white. Another American guy living right next to my room was obviously scared of everything outside, and also never left the room. I think he made music but I never heard him play any music. The other people in the house usually did not stay for too long, only staying temporarily. Many of them worked for some European companies and when they came back from their day-job in the evening they complained about everything. The most annoying one was a blonde, tall grown German guy working for the German Technical Monitoring Association (TÜV), I always met him in the kitchen in the evening. He kept complaining about anything the Japanese made differently compared to his home country, for minutes and minutes. I listened to his ramblings quietly until I found ways to excuse myself to go back into my room, but after the third of fourth time of getting confronted by his why he’s not going back to Germany, if they are doing everything so much better than the Japanese? He shut up, and left a week later. It was tedious to listen to their complaints, I did not like it. It was a funny mixture. Altogether we had 7 rooms with 6 to 8 different people living there. I stayed for 2 and a half years in the house, only the white Italian longer. She is probably still living there in her room without daylight, surrounded by Manga-magazines. I/let Ana stay at my place against the recommendations of some good friends, who let her stay at their place before. “She’s weird”, they told me, “She has problems”. I dismissed these warnings and let her in. We spent our days sucking and fucking our brains out. Then I had some jobs coming in as a photographer. I needed to earn some money because Tokyo ain’t cheap, so I worked all day on my laptop at the small plastic-table while Ana was lying in the bed, masturbating. All the time.

The Story of Ana Ni (Tokyo, 2007) (reader discretion is advised: this text contains explicit language.)

06 needed that, and hoped that she got was sitting at the computer and had her dripping pussy in my face again: “I need it so badly!!!”. So I ate her out and after she came all over me I threw her out. “Go and buy some veggies!” She came back with cucumbers that she then used for masturbation and later for the salad. That’s the kind of girl she was: always horny but thinking economically. At least that’s what I thought. made/ it to concentrate completely on my work. I love fucking but sometimes there are things in life that do not involve a penis or vagina. I welcomed the calmness of my little room, put on some Sun Ra, and got busy. Some days later I started wondering where that girl might be. I already knew that she was a rascal, a tramp, she had a cat’s mind. I knew she would sometimes disappear and stay at friends’ places for sex or drugs or party, so I was not too worried. She could do whatever she wanted, I did not possess her and I did not want to. In the evening I went to Combine and asked casually around if someone might have seen her. Nobody knew. I ordered a One/beer.afternoon

James called. I was sitting on the small wooden terrace in the garden when he called. I forgot to tell that my room in the house but it also was the only room in the house that had direct access to a tiny patch of garden the size of two bath towels. It was just lovely to sit there in summer and smoke and look at the plants growing. James called and he sounded nervous: “Meta”, he said, “there’s a problem with Ana. I got a phone-call from her lawyer. She’s in jail for 5 days already. She got caught stealing in a super-market.” — “Okay, not good.”

J continued: “She needs someone to go by at the Meguro Police Station and pick her up. You just need to go there and leave your signature as a guarantee that she wouldn’t steal again. You’ll have to do it, because I don’t know her too well, and I do not want to risk my visa”. Right at that moment I was in the process of getting my work-visa as well, all the It wouldn’t be too good to get involved into that for me either, I argued. James said that he wouldnt be able to help. Either I’d get her out or Ana would have to stay at the police. I went to the police-station in the evening. my signature and made me promise that I would watch out for Ana, so she would not steal again. Then they brought her in, opened her handcuffs. She smiled. “Hey!” she said. “Hey!” I replied. We walked out. After/ some minutes of silently walking back home I asked her what had Ana:happened.“Istole a bar of chocolate at Kaldis” (Kaldis was a small stylish boutique-foodshop close to the station) Me: “You stole a bar of chocolate at Kaldis!? You went to jail for 5 days because you stole a bar of chocolate at Kaldis!? And I have to get you out? Are you insane? How much was that bar of chocolate, was it made from pure gold or Ana:what?”“Nah, 120 Yen.” Me: “You’re telling me that I just risked my visa-application because you stole a bar of chocolate for a Dollar?” — “Yes, that’s how it is.” “You could have asked me for money!” — “Nah, I don’t want. I have money. I don’t need your stinking money.”, she Iquipped.wasgetting angry: “Why do you fucking steal then? You could at least say Ana: “Fuck you! I’m not gonna thank you” Me: “Fuck you, too!”. We did not talk much more that night. That’s the kind of girl she was: stealing chocolate bars for no reason and being completely unapologetic. Our/ relationship was a bit tense from that moment. I still let her stay at my place, but more and more frequently she would disappear into the neon-lit monstrosity of Tokyo nights, returning sporadically to get some food and some sex and a bed to sleep. I was worried about her. I tried connecting to her on a different level. I tried talking to her about her family, her heritage, what she wanted to do in her life, about her dreams. She did not seem to know. Her head seemed to be only revolving around having the most fun she could get without any kind of responsibility or regret. The one thing she seemed to be wanting most from me was sex. I tried holding her tight at night when she stayed, trying to give her some feeling of closeness or care that’s not connected to sex, but she did not like that. She basically just wanted to fuck, any other kind of closeness seemed to be annoying her. “I would like to help you but I can not connect to you. What’s wrong? How can I help you?” I would ask. She would look at me and say: “It’s my own life, don’t talk stupid things. Leave me alone.” One/ day she disappeared again for more than a week. I was not worried. After two or three weeks I started to clean my room. The summer was slowly coming to an end and I wanted to prepare my little shack for the winter-time, to make some space. I packed everything I did not urgently need into boxes that I wanted to put into the storage-room under very tight and steep staircase, that was behind a door next to the bathroom, watching out carefully not to slip. The little attic smelled like wood and with abandoned stuff that other former residents had left in the house and never cared to pick up again. Boxes full with dusty Japanese-language-learning-books, torn clothes, stained matraces, some old keyboards and computers that no-one needed anymore. There was another level above the attic. It was behind a small, dark, square opening in the ceiling. The hole led into a space without windows. There was a light burning in that space. Usually there was no “Hello!”light.Icalled, because I thought to have heard some movement. “Hello! Somebody up there?” I called, looking up high above me into that hole. “Hello!” said Ana, peeking from above through the entrance-hole. “Hello! It’s me!” she said. “What are you doing up there?” — “I’m living here!” — “But it’s tiny and there are no windows!” — “I like it!” — “Can I come up?” — “Sure you can!”. There was no ladder, so I climbed up the sturdy shelves, and standing on the top board I pulled myself up through the hole. The space was like a small wooden box and looked astonishingly neat. One could not stand upright, the ceiling was too low. The only way of moving through the space was on the knees. It was maybe 2 meters to 2 meters to 1 meter 20 in height. There was a little lamp, fed by a blue-colored extension cable that led to some electrical outlet down in the main-attic. There was an old matrace that Ana had taken from the shelves and had somehow managed to pull up through the hole in the ceiling. There was her backpack and two books, and a really old, small TV that she got connected somehow.

07

Me: “I agree. It’s better for her.” We hung up. She/ got out of jail some days after that call, I think her parents wrote a letter of apology to the police and they let her go, they put her onto a plane back to SF. I tried getting in contact to her when she was back there in San Francisco. We had a video-call and she was showing me a studio that she allegedly rented. She wanted to make fashion. I wished her all the best. I was happy for her. The last time I was talking to her, maybe another 3 months later, she was living in a Hippy-community somewhere off Haight-Ashbury. She was very high on LSD and the room around her looked like a psychedelic cave, all walls phosphorizing paintings. She told me that she wanted to make art by stealing. I told her that this was the biggest bullshit I ever have heard, and asked if she really thought that this was a good idea. She told me that this was the greatest idea that anybody ever has had, that she was a genius, that I just wouldn’t understand. After the call, she sent me weird pamphlets where she declared herself a genius who’s making art by stealing, that acting against any kind of possession was the only reasonable way to make art. All her thinking was based on the idea that there is no such thing as possession, that things can not be possessed by anybody. There was a bit more of political agenda connected to it, but the more I’ve read, the less sense it actually made. I showed the pamphlet to friends. No-one understood. She obviously thought that she was a radical artist, but we all thought that it was just a really stupid idea. The next thing I heard was that she got jailed in America because she was caught stealing again. The shop staff that caught her did actually not want to call the police, but she insisted on being arrested and started throwing things at them. So they arrested her. The very last thing I heard was that she went into a hipster designer store in San Francisco with a super-soaker water started squirting acid around in the shop and onto the designer jeans and got jailed, again … I never heard anything of her again, even information about her. I hope she’s well, but that’s the kind of girl she was: always That’sdisappearing.thestory of Ana Ni. Sebastian Mayer

I did not see quite some some anotherweeks,call

Watermelon Sugar / Nakameguro, Tokyo, 2007 “Does anyone know that you are up here?” — “Maybe the Italian Otaku girl can hear me moving at night, her room is right below, … but no one saw me.” — “It’s a bit stuffy, are you not worried about air?”, I asked. “I don’t care, it’s okay” — “You could have told me!” — “I wanted to be alone.” “Hm.” — “Hm.” Then we fucked. It felt desperate. When I met friends at Combine I told them the story of “Ana, my crazy sex-kitten from the attic”. We would laugh. I feel ashamed now to have called her that. I could not deal with her. demanding and so shut-up … I/was worried about the real-estate company that rented the house. What if that tiny space? There were two caretakers from the company coming every two or three weeks to look if everything in the house was alright, or if some Gaijin had burned it down in the meantime. I was worried that if they found out about her squatting in the attic then it might fall back onto me, because she was my friend. I had brought her into the house. I thought it was a good idea to keep my mouth shut. She was safe in that little space, she had made her own little cave, a refuge. I told myself that there was nothing to be worried about her. Maybe lot of things. In the coming days and weeks I did not meet her often and we kept distance. When we met we did not talk a lot, we only fucked because we were horny and drunk on life. Now we fucked because it was the only way to communicate. I/did not see her for quite some time, maybe some weeks, when I got another call from James. He sounded nervous. “Meta, there’s a problem with Ana again. She’s being jailed again. For 10 days already. Someone has to pick her up again.” — “What did she steal this time?” “She stole a Tempura-shrimp at the Tokyu-store” — “She stole Tempurashrimps at the supermarket? How many shrimps was that?” — “One shrimp” — “One shrimp? But that’s only 80 Yen, that’s not even a Dollar!” — “That’s right”. I hesitated… “Jeeess… I can not go again, really I can’t. I can not watch out for her, she’s doing anything she wants to do anyway. I’m seriously risking my visa if I go again to get her.”, I said. James agreed: “I know, I can’t go either, same reason.” I couldn’t really process: “She’s crazy! Why is she stealing a shrimp? We have food in the kitchen, she can eat with her?” — “I told you she’s crazy”. Me: “It’s pretty obvious. No, I won’t get way, James:sorry.”“Iunderstand. I will tell her Me:lawyer.”“Do that. She’s insane. She seriously needs some professional help. Maybe it’s best for her if she gets thrown out of the country and sent back to her James:parents.”“I think so, too. She can not handle Tokyo. She’s not made for here.”

see her for some time, maybe weeks, when I got call from James. 08

I was deeply into The Cure and The Cramps and then Sonic record was actually The Ramones that I ordered at the age of 13 in the local electronic store (behind the hooverdepartment was a little record shop that mainly sold Bavarian folk music). I did not even know what they sounded like, I just had read about them in a youth magazine. I had to wait for the record for 4 weeks until it arrived. I received a call and then took a 5km-walk ter, and I picked up the record, and rushed the same way back home. I and feeling as if my head exploded. I came to realize that there must be a world somewhere out there where people are not as small-minded as the majority of people that I was surrounded with. Next thing was that I dyed my hair red. I thought that being an “artist” was somehow cool, but I had absolutely no idea what that was about, so I just did whatever came to my mind. I remember that I made an “installation” out of empty water bottles in my room when I was around 13 (again… all the weird stuff started happening from age 13). My aunt came by and asked what I was doing. I told her that it was “art”. She looked at me quietly and later proposed to my parents that something was wrong with me, that they shall seek psychological advice. I knew only a handful of people who were running around with a dyed mohawk at that time in the whole district of Cham, most of them were loners like myself. Two of them moved away pretty soon (one is an actor now, the other one living in Brazil) and we’re still friends. The other ones killed themselves as they couldn’t cope with their lives anymore (okay, that sounds sarcastic… let’s just say: it was deeply depressing down there). It’s not easy to grow up in the countryside left-winged ideas and apart from being close to the anti-fascist league, I was actively demonstrating against nuclear I was a member of a group against military service (which was still compulsory in Germany at that time). I can not clearly remember the sticker that I had on my second-hand coat on the photo above, but I guess it was something like: “Destroy Fascism!” or “Destroy Capitalism!” or other ideas one gets when being surrounded by too many people with too conservative ideals for too long.

I’ve had huge problems with authority and the conservative-/ right-winged political opinions that dominated the area where I grew up. I just wanted to get out of there as soon as possible, and about one and a half a year later (summer of 1992) I would be moving to Berlin.

09

I thought that being somehow cool, but I no idea what that was did whatever came to

Smalltown Pseudo-Punk (1991) (Text from Volkswagen2015)Beetle for 250 DeutschMarks, which I painted pitch-black and renovated with the help of a rogue (and severely alcoholic) mechanic. The car was 3 years older than me and I picked it up from the workshop headlights working while I was driving into the dark, into the Bavarian Forest to visit my girlfriend. Later it came out that the guy just forgot to connect the cables of the headlights, no wonder it was so dark. Fortunately, the car would be driving for pot (sic!) somewhere in Swabia.

Sebastian Mayer

In the area where I grew up, I was considered a total outsider from the very beginnings of my childhood. My parents were not from that area and as and I refused to speak the thick Bavarian accent of that area other kids called me from Kindergarten-times.

I just learned to live on my own terms, and visually I expressed this “state of not belonging to anyone or anywhere” by dying my hair red, black, and any other color on the Pantone scale from the age of 13. It was my way of telling everyone to Fuck Off and let me do my Asthing.Idid not want to belong to any group I actually refused to be called “Punk”, but preferred to be called “Pseudo-Punk”. I just used their symbols but refused to be put into just Another way out for me was computers, art, and music. There was for sure no internet, but from the age of 11, I was obsessed with computers (Atari 800XL) and later urged my parents to buy an Atari ST for their shop (just so I could use it for Music-wisemyself).

10

being an “artist” was I had absolutely was about, so I just to my mind.

Drifting Train Thoughts (February 23, 2017) Sitting in the board-restaurant of the Inter-City-Express from Berlin to Hamburg. 95% of the people in here look very square and very teutonic. They all look a bit as if they don’t enjoy being alive, and especially not being alive around other people in the same train-compartment. Even the younger ones, in their twenties — wear haircuts that would most easily be described as a “fashy hairtcut”: short on the sides and the back of the head, medium-short and nicely groomed on the top. I used to wear a haircut like that when I was younger, but then it was ironic. How times have changed: these people don’t look ironic and I’m letting my hair grow without going to the barber anymore, I’m turning into some kind of Hippie I guess. In a world of perfectly groomed neoteutonic pseudo-liberal Identitarians I enjoy looking like a long-haired hobo. Maybe I’ll cut my curls soon, if only from within. Yesterday/ at the supermarket: the cashier complaining to the client in front of me in the queue that he has to work for another 2 Westernershours.perfectionized being unhappy with what they are doing. They cherish their coffee-mugs with “I Hate Mondays” printed on them. What/ I liked most about Japan in this purpose in whatever they are doing, might be. They are 100% commited to what they are doing. When you walk down a major street in Tokyo at late night it’s probable where they are exchanging or adding telecommunication-cables or maintaining two guys in the hole shoveling and 6 guys around the hole holding glowing sticks, that look like light-sabers from Star Wars. When you come closer they will slightly bow towards you, wish you a good evening and ask you extremely politely to watch out for the hole and to carefully choose a safe way around it, all while pointing their pointy blinking sticks into the direction where you’re supposed to go for a safe passage. It’s one of the most useless jobs I’ve ever seen and in the beginning I made fun about these guys and their comI laughed until I understood. have a place in their society and they are absolutely committed to do what they have to do with absolute perfection. I love that about Japan. But/ as with anything also the German’s dislike for work has its upsides and the Japanese commitment has its downsides. I think one of the reasons why Germans are so extremely concise and quick at the same time in their work is because they dislike it so much that they want to end it very quickly, so they try to do it right possible. They quickly want to be abend” (= time after work-hours). The Japanese on the other side are so committed to their work that they are often very slow. They just like to be precise in their work so much that they double and triple-check everything.

11It’s also a culture in which gesture plays a central role.

After/ some thinking I came to the point that Germans do not necessarily “dislike” their work in general (even though it seems to be quite common among a lot of people here that they love to hate their daily job). It’s also not necessarily why they want to work Japanesequicker.aremaybe in love with details and perfectionism and therefore they are slower than the Germans, but it also only describes their work-ethic partly. more true) point that I found after a bit of thinking is following: Germans seem to be much more goal-oriented than the Japanese. The outcome is very important, but the way how to get to a desired result is much less important than in JapaneseJapan.people are much more concerned about the work itself, about the way to a destination, it’s much more about the “how” when working towards a goal. I assume that this also shows for example when describing traditional martial arts: Kyu-DO meaning THE WAY of the bow, Ju-DO meaning THE WAY of gentleness, etc… it’s not only about reaching a goal but it’s about the way, about the HOW to reach that It’s/goal.also a culture in which gesture plays a central role. For example when you give a present to someone it’s not so much about what’s inside the packaging, no: the packaging itself plays a very important role; even the gesture of giving the gift, HOW you give it to someone, is probably

In the end the result of what they’ve worked on is then absolutely perfect, but they sometimes need twice or three times the time to do a job that a German would have needed. between both approaches. As a simple my dishes, even though I hated it so much when I was younger. I love washing my dishes now because I forced myself to love it. It used to be an annoying task for me, now it’s a welcome break, close to a small meditation. I need to do it anyway, so why not love what I have what I’m doing, even if it’s an actually annoying task.

Some/ remarks: I’ve been writing that stuff directly onto Facebook without redacting anything, it’s very direct and probably a little bit polemic. Please don’t feel offended, see it as satire. Mayer on the train equals drifting thoughts.

The Japanese celebrate the pure act of giving a gift and the packaging of the gift is as much admired and celebrated as the way of how the gift is given. There are some really extreme examples of the right way of “how to give money on a wedding” or the right way to give money at a funeral (both customs differ NOT about the goal of having a hot cup of tea. It’s — to say it simply — about the beauty of the gesture of preparing the tea. It’s the celebration of making the tea. This importance of the gesture is something that I learned to admire a lot to integrate into my life on a daily basis. I realize that I wanna go places and maybe I want to be someone in the future, but maybe I should think about the movement of the bow more than about the arrow hitting bull’s eye. It’s not really about the goal of being some place or being some one, but more about the way, the gesture of getting there, the gesture of becoming one. Sebastian Mayer

12 more important than the gift itself. When my then-girlfriend Aichan visited christmas she was shocked to see how we (I and my sisters and their children) opened our gift-boxes under the christmastree: we just ripped off the paper and threw it onto a pile, just to see what’s inside the box. For Aichan it looked barbaric and uncivilized, but I can guarantee to you that my family is not opening presents in a very different way from your familie’s way of opening a gift-box!

ce zuhause und sie ist bei mir um mir Nachhilfe zu unterrichten. Deshalb ist sie gekommen. Beatrice kontrolliert mein Geschrie«JeBeatrice:benes.joje jo jei. Oh oh.» «IchIch: bin zu Hause geblieben und habe nichts gelernt und nichts geplant gehabt.» «Alle meine Dinge sind weg.» «Mein Kopf funktioniert nicht «DasBeatrice:mehr.»nenntsich Kopfmehl!» «Jetzt kannst du dann nach der Schule nach Hause gehen um Au au au zu sagen.» Beatrice meineFrederichsenUNTERWEGSAUSSEN/PARISgrinst.ZUHAUSE/—TAGheisstzweiteFrauaus meinen jungen Jahren. Frederichsen ist ihr Spitzname und sie ist heute ca. 41 Jahre alt. Gleich wie ich. Sie lebt in IchParis.steh am Fenster. INNEN/PARIS ZUHAUSE/ WOHNZIMMER — DÄMMERUNG «HeuteIch: morgen dachte ich an Frederichsen, sie muss in Paris sein. Sie kann bestimmt noch Schweizer Deutsch Beatricereden.»istbei mir und hört mir geduldig zu.

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meiner Mutter dreht sich alles um’s Spielen. Nicht um’s Lernen. Wir gehen Ich:einerangefasstWasnachIchnebenmiraufgewacht.heuteIch—INNEN/ZUHAUSE/SCHLAFZIMMERarbeitete.studiertesporadischundAlleINNEN/ZUHAUSE/EINGANGFenster.BeatriceESSZIMMERINNEN/PARISvonChristiane«IchIch:«OuChristiane:NACHTINNEN/ZUHAUSE/EINGANGBeatriceFrauen.Siejetztgeworden?Wasmanchmal«NichtIch:—INNEN/ZUHAUSE/SCHLAFZIMMERSiebistdasin«UndBeatrice:vieleweiterzukommenschongewisseIchmer.wietragen,«IhrMutter:TAGAUSSEN/FERIENHAUS/WIESEraus.—könntetwasSonnever-ihrseidbeideweissKäse,unddassimSom-Machtsgut!»binBeatriceaufWeisezutiefstsooftgeholfenundmirDingebeigebracht.jetztgehtesweiterKopfmehl.Schonhastdugeschlafengehabtundwegvonhier.»kamoftbeimirvorbei.NACHTmehr.ChristianehatschlechteLaune.istnurausihrChristianekönntenachHausekommen.»istdieDrittederhörtmirzu.—ouou.»willdichhabenwollen»nimmtAbschiedmir.ZUHAUSE/—NACHTschautausdem—TAGdreizogennachParisbesuchtenmichinZürichwoichundspäterdannEsklingelteTAGbinganzschüchterngewesenundbinIchstelltevor,Frederichsenlägemir.hatteheutedenDrangkörperlicherLiebe.würdeichgeben,zuwerden,vonmeinerFrauen.13

IchMERINNEN/ELTERNHAUS/KINDERZIM-lernen.»«JetztBeatrice:«IchIch:sonnendraussensindkennenundSielängerBeatriceTAGAUSSEN/BADEANSTALT/WIESE«SoUrsina:Dezember.»«BeatriceIch:«WannIch:hen«IchUrsina:ohBeatricegemeinsamAlkoholUrsinaDasBeatricenachIchbesser.»«IchIch:Bett.eigenermir.weiterkommt,verliebt,übergibtmirUrsinaEinBETTINNEN/ZUHAUSE/SCHLAFZIMMER/wirwirfastWirwasToiletteJeundToiletteUnd—INNEN/AUSGANG/PUB-TOILETTENocheinmalNACHTallesfängtaufderan.Wirsindjunggehenregelmässigaus.jojejojei.Aufdermachenwiralles,wirsomachenkönnen.KnutschenundmachenKinder—freizügigsindundzumVerhütenhabenzumGlücketwasdabei.—TAGpaarJahrespäter.liegtimBettbeiimSchlafzimmerundsich.SieistsodasssienichtalsbiszuSieschafftesausKraftkaumausdemhoffeesgehtdirbaldwolltedamalsUrsinaHausenehmenumHallozusagen.warvorzwanzigJahren,undichtrankenundlandetenimBettundplatzterein.Ohoh.willnichtmehrwegge-vonhier.»kommtBeatrice?»kommtam1.genial,dasistheute.»—kennichschonalsalldieanderen.brachtemirSchwimmenSchreibenbei—solangewirunsschon.WirnochKinder,liegenaufderWieseunduns.kannnachHausegehen.»wollenwirschreiben—TAGbinalleinemitBeatri-

rausundMeineWirTVundKinderIm—INNEN/FERIENHAUS/WOHNZIMMERzu.TAGTessinalswirnochsindistallesnormalBeatriceundichschaueninBadesachen.sindhaltnochKinder.MutternervtBeatricemich—wirsollendochzumSpielengehen.Bei

«Ich will weg von hier heute Abend. Schon hast du das drin.» «Ausser du kommt niemand in Frage für mich.» «Je jo je jo jei. Ich will nach «ZuhauseHause.»ist da wo die Liebe Beatricewohnt.» zieht sich an und hört mir geduldig Ich:zusammenbleiben.»ter.«TreffenBeatrice:etwas«Oumichvonnur«UndSchreiben«JeIch:«OhIch:schon«NichtBeatrice:DÄMMERUNGINNEN/ZUHAUSE/WOHNZIMMERReisesiemitgehenDiesesunsererSonurdannseltenBeatrice«Ich«Nocheinmal.»«Oh«SoBeatrice:in«UndIch:nicht«IchBeatrice:«NichtIch:«IchBeatrice:INNEN/AUSGANG/PUBzumLiebefeirtenDrinksausmitInAUSSEN/AUSGANG/PUBzu.—NACHTChurverabredeteichmichBeatriceundUrsinaumzugehen.WirtrankenineinemPub.WireinHochaufunsereundmachtendieNachtTag.—NACHTwillnachHausegehen.»mehr?Okay.»binvölligmüdevomschlafen.»schonhastdudasdrinKopfmehl.»genial.»ohoh.»binmüdewienochnie.»tauchtnurnochaufundverschwindetfüreineWeile.WasistausBeatricegeworden?anderswurdesienachWG-ZeitinZürich.MalmöchteichmitihrnachParis,begleitenaufihreranihrerSeite.—nocheinmal?Ouwouw—kannstdumitkommen.»ohoh.Liebendgern.»ojei,ichwilljetztlernen.»jetztlebstduBeatricefünfZugstundenweitwegmirundhastkaumZeitzubesuchen.»ouououou.Ichmussunternehmen.»wirunswiederöf-Jetztwollenwir «Ach Beatrice ich vermisse dich so «IchIch:«Du«Genial»Beatrice:sehr.»liebstmich.»freumichdich Beatrice in meinen Armen zu haben — zum Einschlafen, zum seIchDÄMMERUNGINNEN/PARISParisWirFrederichsenUrsina,zufranzösischesIch«JeIch:GefühleichübergebediesenMirAUSSEN/ZUHAUSE/HEIMWEG«OhIch:getroffenBeatriceDasmehr.morgenHeuteToilette.»«Ichbeiunsere«IchBeatrice:Sitzdich«Beatriceohwill.»nicht«IchIch:Paris.»sindhaben«JeBeatrice:jo«Ich«Wannzusammen«BeatriceIch:mehr.»«WieBeatriceLiebhaben.»(schelmisch):früher.NichtnochwanngehenwirnachParis?»nimmstdumichmit?»liebedichsosehr.Jejejojei».jojejojei.Schonwirdasgeschafftundwegvonhier,bisnachbinsomüde,dassichausdemTGVschauen«BisaufweiteresOhoh.»ichwartehieraufundhaltedirdeinenfrei.»macheWitze.AllesfürLiebe,bisduwiedermirbist—inParis.»gehnurschnellaufdiebinichgutdraufundvielleichtnichtUnddannnocheinmal.passiertmir,wennichlangenichtmehrhabe.ohohoderOuouou.»—TAGgehtesnichtsogutinletztenTagen.IchmichunddanngehenachHause.Mirkommenhoch.jojejojei.»freuemichmeinUmfeldwiederbekommen.DassindBeatrice,undChristiane.sitzenalledrausseninbeimKaffee.ZUHAUSE—bininParisnachHau-gekommen.MeineTochter hatte ich vermisst. Sie war nicht im Ferienlager. Ich vermisste sie so sehr. Ich bin nun so müde, dass ich schlafen will. Es geht nochmal einmal weiter hier. Ich kann kaum ein Auge schliessen. «Beatrice,Ich: Beatrice, Beatrice, soweit sind wir nie «Jetztgekommen.»habenwir alles geschafft gehabt, um weiter zu INNEN/ELTERNHAUS/FLURDamals:gehen.» — TAG Frederichsen kommt die Treppe hoch und begrüsst «Hey,Frederichsen:mich.bistdu bereit etwas zu Sie«NaIch:unternehmen?»klar»:läuftmitmir durch den Flur, in mein Zimmer, in dem noch Regale an die Wand geschraubt selberFrederichsensind.legtHandanund zieht die Schrauben von Hand mit einem Schraubenzieher aus der «DieFrederichsen:Wand.müssenweg demzuniegerneähnlich.FrederichsenWenn«Besuch«NichtFrederichsen:gehen?»«MusstIch:«SoFrederichsen:«JeiIch:sen,«IchIch:sind.gehabtWirwirRegalewirWirSCHLAFZIMMERINNEN/ELTERNHAUS/hier.»—TAGsindhalbnackt,weilrummachen.Nachdemdiewegwaren,liebtenuns.Ououou.hattenallesbeisammenbiswirdurchgedrehtOuouou.liebedichFrederich-immernoch.»jojeijoujei.»genial.»dunochmalnachHausemehr.Nichtmehr.»michdanninParis.duZeithast.»istBeatriceSiemachenbeideSpässe.Ououou.Aberübermich.SiewollteBesuchkommenumnachBestenzusehenundsie 14

«IchIch: weiss nicht mehr, ob es so war.» sagte ich. «DasFrederichsen:istsehr kompliziert hier meine ich damit.» «Sich für etwas zu essen zu INNEN/ZUHAUSE/EINGANGentscheiden.»

«WowIch:TAGINNEN/ELTERNHAUS/EINGANGFrederichsen.Besuche,IchdieseltenreitsichmeineschonmeinIchhier.»«EsFrederichsen:nochmeinerlich.tatsieunsgenausoArchitekturFrederichsenSCHLAFZIMMERINNEN/ELTERNHAUS/waren.—NACHThattestudiert,wieich.WirsahenmeineSchulbücheranunderklärtemirvieles.Siediesklarundverständ-Frederichsen—einegrösstenLiebe,istnichterloschen.IhrhatetwasGemütlicheshattevieleFreiheiten,ältererBruderwarausgezogenundSchwesternmachtenfür’sGymnasiumbe-undmeineElternwarenzuHause.DasheisstWohnungstandoftleer.bekamoftsolchewiedievon—wowwow.»

Frederichsen in die Bar und wir erzählten uns allerhand, was wir so erleben wollen. Wir tranken Bier und stiessen immer wieder von neuem an. Ich war von Anfang an verliebt in Frederichsen — sie auch in mich. Nach der Bar gingen wir nach Hause und räumten das Zimmer auf. «WowIch: wow AUSSEN/ELTERNHAUS/HEIMWEGwow.» — WirNACHTsind von der Bar bis nach Hause Hand in Hand gelaufen. Manchmal hielten wir und küssten uns. Das ging so, bis wir zuhause

Frederichsen wollte mit mir dieses Mal Bier und Pizza haben in Chur. Also gingen wir in eine INNEN/ABENDESSEN/PIZZERIAPizzeria. —

— TAG In Zürich, ein paar Jahre danach klingelt Christiane bei mir. Wir stehen beide im Flur und sie erklärt mir, dass sie bei mir bleiben will. Wir unterhalten uns bei Kaffee am Küchentisch, bis wir uns verlieben, küssen und in’s Schlafzimmer gehen. Ein paar Tage danach, fehlt von ihr wieder jede INNEN/PARIS/RESTAURANTSpur. — BeatriceDÄMMERUNGist so achtsam, wenn ich mit ihr unterwegs bin abends, funktioniert alles so wie sie es sagt. In Paris gibt es eine Auseinandersetzung mit einer anderen Frau. Die will mir im Restaurant klarmachen, dass wir, Beatrice und ich, nicht zusammenpassen, weil ich ein Kopf kleiner bin als Beatrice, meine Partnerin. Beatrice gab ihr dann Tache«JeBeatrice:les.joje jo jei schon hast du alle Sorgen weg.» «UndIch: jetzt haben wir es geAUSSEN/PARIS/HEIMWEGschafft.»

«DieFrederichsen:DÄMMERUNGLiebescheint aus dem Haus gerannt zu sein.»

Plötzlich stand jemand vor der Tür. Es Frederichsen,wartätowiert und schwarz angezogen. Sie wusste immer alles am besten. Frederichsen war mir damals sehr nah, sie bekam auch vieles mit aus meinem Leben.

— NACHT Wir schlendern in die Pariser Nacht hinein. Ich mache mich bereit um nach Hause zu gehen. Beatrice verspricht mir, mich in Zürich zu besuchen, mich vielleicht nach Paris mitzunehmen oder in Zürich zu «DuIch:bleiben.bistdie beste Frau der «DieWelt.»beste Frau kommt bald nach Hause. Je jo je jo «JetztBeatrice:jei.»wirst du durchgedreter sein und weitergehen, wenn ich dich in Zürich treffen will.» «JeIch:jo je jo jei. Ich bin nach Hause gekommen.» «nach «LiebeParis.»Beatrice, ich bin aus der Schweiz fast nicht «Esherausgekommen.»hältmirden Kopf «DuSie:zusammen.»bistetwas spät, komm doch rauf, ich habe das Bett schon AUSSEN/ZUHAUSE/EINGANGDavor:vorgewärmt.»

INNEN/AUSGANG/BARwow.» — IchDÄMMERUNGgingmit

— TAG Schon haben wir das drin in EinigeKopfmehl.Jahre davor, es könnten 20 sein. Ich bin in Zürich mit dem Zug angekommen und nach Hause gelaufen. Mein Name steht auf dem Klingelschild. Ich klingel

und meine beiden Freundinnen, eine davon ist Beatrice, sind zuhause und empfangen mich, wie wir es abgemacht Gangmachen.habeausgezogen,IchGedankenDasvonundSieeineMeinfrischschonBeidestudierendarüber,wirIch—INNEN/ZUHAUSE/SCHLAFZIMMERhatten.DÄMMERUNGlegemichin’sBettundmachenunseinenKopfwasichinZürichkönnte.FrauenzimmerstudiereninZürichundichbinzuhauseangekommen.erstesneuesZuhause,WGmitzweiFrauen.teilenihrBettmitmirmanchmalwechseleicheinemBettinsandere.istderAnfangdesParis.habedieSchuhedraussenweilichAngstdenBodenschmutzigzuJetztbinichimundhängemeineJacke 15

blieb für eine Weile. Je jo je jo jei. So wie früher wird sie bei mir wieder mit der Tür in’s Haus fallen. Frederichsen liebt es Eistee oder Bier mit mir zu trinken, bis wir zusammen im Bett landen. Frederichsen kann auch gut «WowIch:kochen.wow

— Schon hast du das drin in «Und«WowIch:Kopfmehl.»wowwow.»schonhast du das Siedrin.»schöpft Abendessen. «JeIch:jo je jou jei.» Wir sind beim Abendessen zusammen in Paris. «SoSie:genial ist das.» «WirIch: kommen nochmal. Ich wollte dich hier bei mir Colin«Nocheinmal.»Sie:haben.»Schälli

— TAG Ich will zu Frederichsen unter die Decke. Ich liebe sie so sehr, dass ich sprachlos war in Paris sie zu sehen. Es stockte der Atem und ich ging weiter ohne Worte, an ihr vorbei. Weil ich kein französisch mehr konnte, lief ich weiter. Ich schämte mich. INNEN/PARIS ZUHAUSE/KÜCHE — BeatriceTAG ist in einer guten Familie aufgewachsen und Ich in einer normalen Familie. INNEN/PARIS ZUHAUSE/ «NichtIch:ESSZIMMERnoch mehr.» «JeBeatrice:«Wow«OhWir«GutenBeatrice:Apetit.»sagen:ohoh.»wowwow.»jejejejei.

auf. Dann betrete ich das Schlafzimmer und fühle mich wohl da drin. In Zürich zermartern wir uns die Köpfe, was ich studieren könnte. Ich bin ein wenig spät, mich um einen Studienplatz zu bewerben. Beatrice schlägt mir die Hochschule für Gestaltung und Kunst vor und ich schreibe mich dort mit ihrer Hilfe Studienbeginnein.ist erst ein halbes Jahr später. Ich achte nicht so genau auf den Kalender und bleibe bei Beatrice bis meine Ersparnisse aufgebraucht sind und ich mir Arbeit suchen muss. «IchIch: habe dort angerufen.» «IchIch:«Wo?»Beatrice:habe

Hund zu seinem Frauchen. Jetzt will ich dich wiederhaben wollen.» «OuBeatrice:jejo je jo jei.» Zur selben Zeit liegt Ursina verschmitzt bei mir im Bett. Sie könnte ein Kind davongetragen haben. Sie waren zu zweit Beatrice und Ursina, nackt mit mir im Schlafzimmer und tollten rum. «GehBeatrice:blos nicht in’s Kino» Ich bleibe. Wir sind wieder zu dritt zu Hause. «WennIch: morgen nicht Frühling wäre, dann muss der Herbst kommen. Bis dich mich mein Gefühl zu dir nimmt. Mein Gefühl sagt mir, dass ich bei dir bleiben soll. Bei dir «MeinIch:Beatrice.»Gefühllebt in Paris und ich sah es dort.» «Je jo je jo jei.» «Mein Gefühl! Meine Liebe! Meine Angst! alles in IchParis.»wimmere beim Abwasch. Nicht nocheinmal. «BeatriceIch: ich will dich jetzt hier haben wollen.» «IchIch: bin in Zürich und warte auf deinen Besuch jeden 1. BeatriceDanach.Dezember.»geht wieder nach AUSSEN/ZÜRICH/KINOParis. — EsDÄMMERUNGkönnte alles Mögliche passieren. Letzte Woche ging ich in’s Kino, doch während der Vorstellung wurde mir schlecht, weil ich noch nichts gegessen hatte. Ich verlies den Film, hob Geld ab und ging essen. Danach ging ich nach Hause Derschlafen.Filmwar so schlecht, dass man’s nicht aushalten konnte, was ich gesehen hatte. «IchIch: kann nicht nocheinmal in’s Kino gehen.» «O je ou AUSSEN/PARIS/UNTERWEGSjei.»

16

Arbeit aufgenommen.undMeinaufgabewomuss.Formulare,IchSCHLAFZIMMERINNEN/ELTERNHAUS/weiter.Alois.lassenStudiengebührenZuerstmirIchINNEN/ZUHAUSE/KÜCHEplatzliebäugeltesieNachzuichWärend—INNEN/ZUHAUSE/SCHLAFZIMMERFormularendieseHausaufgabegefunden.GestaltungprüfungHilfeChurInSCHLAFZIMMERINNEN/ELTERNHAUS/bekommen.»—TAGChur—inderNähevonhabeichArbeitundfürdieAufnahme-derHochschulefürundKunstIchhabenuneineundreichemitdendazugehöredenein.TAGicharbeite,kannnurnochamWochenedeBeatricenachZürich.einigerZeitgestehtmir,dasssiedamiteinenStudien-inPariszunehmen.—TAGfragesie,wasdennauswerdenwürde.mussichdieeinzahlenvonmeinemVaterDanachgehtes—TAGbekommenochmehrdieichausfüllenDastueichinChur,ichauchmeineHaus-mache.VaterAloisstirbtdannichwerdezumStudiumDieWGlöst

sich auf und ich bleibe in der Wohnung in INNEN/ZUHAUSE/SCHLAFZIMMERZürich.

— BeatriceDÄMMERUNGwar schon in Paris und wir litten beide daran, dass sie in Paris war und ich mich in Zürich befand. Nicht noch mehr. «OuIch:ou ou.» Gefühl und bin zu Hause «Wiegeblieben.»eintreuer

17

«WowSie: wow wow, sind wir weg von hier.» «OuEr: ou ou ou ou, sind wir «MorgenSie:weggeblieben?»musstdu nach Hause «Jewollen.»joje jo jei schon hast du das drin und bist weg von hier.» «JeEr: jo je jo jei, sind wir umhiergeblieben,Ohohohzu machen?» «SchonSie: hast du das weg von hier und bist weg von hier. Wow wow wow, jetzt will ich auch weg von hier.» Die Ferien neigen sich dem Ende Kopfmehl.»«SchonEr:«IchSie:zumgehabteinfachImKINDERZIMMERINNEN/FERIENHAUS/redetenanandersieautosmitliebteWochenMit—INNEN/FERIENHAUS/WOHNZIMMERerabereinzumsassworungenläuft.erBald—INNEN/FERIENHAUS/WOHNZIMMERzu.NACHTgibtesAbendbrotundwundertsichwasamTVsoErhatnochErinne-imKopf.AnComics,ernebenaufdemSofaundsiedanachrausSpielengingen.SiewarKopfgrösseralser,soliebzuihm,dasssichverliebthatte.TAGwarervierimTessin—sieesTVzuschauenundihmunddenSpielzeug-zuspielen.Oftlagenaucheinfachnebenein-imBett,mitFüssenderWandhochundvorsichhin.—DÄMMERUNGTessinhabensieoftauchComicsangeschautundsinddannweiterSpielengegangen.willSpielengehen.»hastdudasdrinim jei jo jei und schon hast du das drin. Oh oh oh.» INNEN/ZUHAUSE/KÜCHE — TAG Ein paar Jahre später. Sie wohnen zusammen und sind in Zürich zuhause. Sie leben und wohnen gemeinsam. «UndSie: jetzt kannst du rauchen gehen.» «JeEr: jo je jo jei, schon hast du das weg von hier.» Er steht am Fenster und zündet sich eine Zigarette «UndSie:an. schon hast du das geschlafen gehabt und bist weg von hier.» «JeEr: jo je jo jei, jetzt können wir beide weg gehen «JeSie:hier.»jo je jo jei noch Sieeinmal.»kommt ans Fenster. «SchonEr: hast du das geschlafen gehabt und bist weg von hier. Je jo je jo jei sind wir weg von hier.» «UndSie: schon hast du alles geschlafen gehabt und bist weg von hier. Ich will weg von hier. Ich bin dann mal weg von INNEN/ZUHAUSE/ENTREEhier.» — SieDÄMMERUNGverlässt die Wohnung. «,Er:du bist meine Frau fürs Leben. Je jo je jo jei, und jetzt bist du weg von hier.

Nicht Sie:zuauf«WirEr:en.»Wir«GenialSie:INNEN/FERIENHAUS/WOHNZIMMERWohnzimmer.ihnZuhausesindSiehabt.»WirzusammenIchan«HeuteEr:erSie—INNEN/FERIENHAUS/BADEZIMMERbleiben.KopfmehlgeschlafenSchonMutter:KINDERZIMMERINNEN/FERIENHAUS/vonschlafendsienämlichschauenAls—INNEN/FERIENHAUS/WOHNZIMMERSieTAGAUSSEN/FERIENHAUS/GARTEN«JeSie:imArtungewöhnlichesprechenBadehoseschauenSie—INNEN/FERIENHAUS/BADZIMMERseinedenblauenschautZuhause—INNEN/FERIENHAUS/WOHNZIMMERmehrTAGistbeiihmimimFerienhausundmitihmTVaufeinemSofa.SiesindinFerienundsieistbesteFreundin.TAGhilftihmnachdemTVbeimAnziehenvonundT-Shirt.SiegemeinsameineSprache,eineGeheimspracheoderwieTheaterstück.jojejojei.»—spielendraussen.DÄMMERUNGsiezurückkommen,sieweiterTVComicserien.Bisweggebrachtwerden—insBettgetragenseinerMutter.—NACHThabtihrdasgehabt,in(inErinnerung)zuTAGsindimBadezimmerundzeigtihrseineFüsse.habeicheinPiksendenZehen.willzuHausebleibenmitdir.habengeschlafenge-sindimTessinundschonsienocheinTagmehrgeblieben.EspikstamZeh.Siegeheninsnurdurchgedrehter.könnenweiterTVschau-sindhiergeblieben,demSofa,umOhohohmachen.»

«Je jo je jo jei. Gestern sind wir weitergegangen. Wir sind raus gegangen.» «Je jo je jo jei, wir sind weg von «OuEr:hier.»ou ou ou ou, haben wir das geschlafen gehabt?»

«Nicht.Sie: Nicht mehr.» «DurchgedrehterEr: musst du Schreiben lernen wollen. Und schon hast du das geschlafen gehabt.» «NichtSie: AUSSEN/FERIENHAUS/ENTREEmehr.» — DieTAG Ferien sind vorüber, sie gehen beide nach Hause. Sie stehen vor dem vollgepackten Auto. «JeiSie: jo jei und weg sind «JeiEr:wir.»jo

du das alte Handy behalten und bist weg von hier. Schon kannst du weg, weg schreiJeben.jo je jo jei. Nicht jeundhastweitergehendrehter«UndSie:knüpftSieINNEN/ZUHAUSE/KÜCHEhier.»jei.weggeschlafen«SchonSie:geträumt.»OumitIch«OhEr:—INNEN/ZUHAUSE/SCHLAFZIMMERein.schlafenSiesüssejegeht«JeEr:vonmichjeinsschlafen«SchonSie:mehr.»«JeEr:weggeschlafenSchongegangen.und«BadenSie:schon«JeEr:sichBuch.Licht.redenSie—INNEN/ZUHAUSE/SCHLAFZIMMERmehr.»NACHTsindbeideimBettundnochmiteinanderbeiErliestineinemDannbittetsieihn,schlafenzulegen.jejoujei.Sindwirweitergekommen?»sindwirgegangendannsindwirnachHauseJejojejoujei.hastdudasgehabtundwarstvonhier.»joujejoujei.Nichthabenwirdasge-gehabtundkönnenBettchengehen.»«Jejojoujei.Schonlässtduschlafenundbistweghier.»jojejoujeiundschonesweiterhier.Jejejejei.GuteNachtundTräume.»kuschelnimBettunddannbeideendlichTAGohohfertig.binimTessingewesendir,ouououou.Ichhabehastdudasgehabtundbistvonhier.JejojejouSchonsindwirwegvon—TAGistschonangezogenundihmdasHemdzu.dannwirstdudurchge-seinalsdavorundwollen.Jetztduesgeschlafengehabtbistwegvonhier.Jejojoujei.Undschongeht

Er zieht ihr den Mantel aus. Er zieht die Zigaretten aus der Jackentasche. Er zieht Handy aus der Jackentasche. Er legt die Dinge aufs Tischchen beim Entree. Auf dem Tischchen liegt ein Zigarettenstummel. Sie wirft ihn weg. «SchonEr: hast du den weg von hier, das Rauchen hier. Ich will nach Hause gehen. Nicht mehr, musst du bloss nicht schreiben wollen. Kommst du «SchonSie:mit?» hast du ihn weg von hier, den Stummel. Je jo je jo jei und jetzt weg von hier. AUSSEN/ELTERNHAUS/EINGANGEoei.»

«SchonSie: kannst du mit mir weggehen von hier, um weiter zu gelangen im Je je je SieMutter:Mehl.»sindkaum zu fassen, wenn sie miteinander

Je jo je jo jei und jetzt kommt’s noch einmal. Ich will nach Hause gehen. Schon haben wir das drin und sind weg von INNEN/ZUHAUSE/ENTREEhier.

— «IchEr:TAG will nach Hause gehen wollen, im Kopfmehl voraus.» «ImSie:Kopfmehl voraus?» «Schon werden wir weitergehen um Kopfmehl zu hören.» Sie klingeln, die Mutter öffnet sie gehen alle Beide ins sein.»umHause«Ich«SchönEr:Es«SchönMutter:«JeEr:Inmen,«WirSie:—INNEN/ELTERNHAUS/WOHNZIMMERHaus.DÄMMERUNGsindnachHausegekom-umnachHausezugehen.OuououManier.»jojejojei.»seidihrgekommen.istschonlangeher.»hastduunsdrin.»willauchgleichnachgehen,nachHausegegangenzu

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«JeSie:jo je jo jei, sind wir hiergeblieben im Oh oh oh «IchMehl?»will auch weg von «JeEr:hier.»jo je jo jei. Und schon hast du das drin in Kopfmehl; wir sind weg von «JeSie:hier.»jo je jo jei. Schon sind wir weg von hier. Je jo je jo jei und jetzt sind wir weg von hier.»

«JeSie:jo je jo jei, jetzt bin ich hiergeblieben im Kopfmehlvolumen.»

— NACHT kommt zurück vom Einkauf. «WowEr: wow wow wow wow, schon hast du das drin und bist weg von hier.»

«JeEr: jo je jo jei. Ich will jetzt nach Hause gehen, auch im Je je jei Mehl.»

«JeSie:mitichmachtheutenachsuper«HeuteEr:Nichtnichtgegangenehen,«IchSie:rufenIchScanstimmteinIch«OuEr:Handys.SofaSieINNEN/ZUHAUSE/WOHNZIMMERSprache.unentwegtTVSchlaf.raubtenSieSpäter,—INNEN/ZUHAUSE/SCHLAFZIMMERreden.NACHTinZürich,wohntenimmernochzusammenundsichgegenseitigdenSiehattenkeinenmehr,redetenaberihreeigenesitzenbeideaufdemunddrückenaufihreouou.warteaufmeinTelefon,Handy,dochirgendwieetwasnichtmitdemmeinerIdentitätskarte.mussmorgennochmalan-wollen.»kannnachHausegumeinfachnachHausezusein.HastduetwasZeitfürmich?mehr?»hatteicheinenTagundichwillauchHausegehen.Ichhattegarnichtvielge-gehabtundjetztbinwegvonhier.Abernurdir.»jojejojei.Schonhast

19

SieESSZIMMERINNEN/ZUHAUSEfolgen.PARIS/—TAGsitztnebenihmund hat Kopfschmerzen. Doch dieses Mal hilft er ihr, den Kopf beieinander zu halten. Sie ist zuhause und er jetzt ebenso. Sie spielen und tollen, lesen Hefte und hüpfen im Bett. Sie ist etwas grösser als er und fühlt sich wie ein kleines Mädchen. Alles ist wieder wie neu. Er ist zu Besuch, für immer. «ZusammenEr: im Bett hüpfen heisst zuhause zu sein.» INNEN/ZUHAUSE PARIS/ SCHLAFZIMMER — NACHT Beim Einschlafen. «SchonSie: hast du das geschlafen gehabt und bist weg von hier.» Sie streicht ihm mit der Hand durch die Haare. Er schläft ein. «DasSie: Gefühl von mir ist manchmal blockiert in seiner Art und Weise. Schon hast du das geschlafen gehabt und bist weiter gekommen.» Er schläft vor sich hin. Sie schaut ihm dabei zu bis sie auch oh.»«SoSie:Mal!»Noch«Ja,Er:wegJeArbeit«IchSiekönnen«JeEr:wir«JeSie:Bistro.SieFreundenmitmehrPariserSchonAUSSEN/BISTROJetztin«JeEr:anfangenjetztertekeine«VonSie:jei.»«NichtEr:zuwegJekommen.kannst«JeSie:dich.»zuhaben.«IchEr:SCHLAFZIMMERINNEN/ZUHAUSEeinschläft.PARIS/—TAGwillinParisgelebtUmnochnachHausegehenbraucheichnurjojejojeijetztduimmernachHausejojejojeiwirsindvonhierumnachHausegehenimJejojei.»nocheinmal.JejoZürichnachParisistweiteReise.Dasdau-ungefähr2Jahreundkannstduhierundhierbleiben.»jejeijoujei,ichbinParis.»willerweitergehen—DÄMMERUNGisterdrinimLeben.Eristnichtwegzudenken.GemeinsamundnochmehrweiterenumSpasszuhaben.sitzenmitFreundenimjojejoujeischonsindwegvonhier.»jojejoujeijetztwirwegvonhier.»binmorgennochmalzurgegangen.jojejoujeisindwirvonhier?»imKopfmehlSalateeinmalbeimnächstengenial,fertigOhoh

es weiter mit dir und mir.» «OuEr: wow wow wow wow. Sind wir weg von hier und haben nochmal gesucht gehabt und sind dann weggegangen? Je jo je jou jei, sind wir weg von «JetztSie:hier.»kannst du nach Hause gehen.» «Schon hast du das drin und bist weg von hier.» «Schon sind wir weg von hier und kommen noch einmal.» «Schon hast du das geschlafen gehabt.» «Je jo je jou

INNEN/ARCHITEKTURBÜRO/hier.»«IchEr:HeftchenBettziert.ihmPyjamase.reRückblickend:KINDERZIMMERINNEN/ELTERNHAUS/SeiteBett,SieimPlätzchenundSteg.EinmalJugendjahren.Weisstbeichenrienhaus.DanachwirOhferien«DuSie:mehr.»bist«SchonEr:mitInjemachengangenErmen,Sie—INNEN/ZUHAUSE/SCHLAFZIMMERjei.»TAGsindzuHauseangekom-umzuHausezubleiben.willmalnachHausege-seinumOhohohzuundsiewillJejejejeizuHausemachen.Kopfmehlgehtesweiter.hastdudasdrinundwegvonhier.NichtkannstnochmalCamping-organisierenwollen.ohMehl.FrühergingenCampingmachen.hattetihrdasFe-warmanchmalzuBesuchdir.dunoch?AuchindenholteichdichabamDieSonnegingunterwirsuchtenunseinzumÜbernachten—Freien.»gehengemeinsaminsschönbeidejevonderunddeckensichzu.—TAGbeide10Jah-altistöftersbeiihmzuHau-SiehatihrfeinsäuberlichbeiunterdemKissenplat-Sieturnenaufdemundschauensichan.willjetztmalwegvon INNEN/ZUHAUSEschon. PARIS/KÜCHE — BeiTAG seinem letzten Besuch hatte er sie nur angesehen. Er war geschwächt von der Suche nach sich selbst und nach der Möglichkeit Paris. «SchonSie: hast du mich drin.» Sie drückt ihm die Hand aufs «OuEr:Herz.ou ou.» «DieSie: letzten Aufeinandertreffendreimalsind mir in Erinnerung geblieben. Wo steckst du nur? Bist du in Paris nicht so glücklich wie in Zürich? Glaub bloss nimmer dem Zufall. «SoEr: genial. Schon habe ich das drin. Nicht nochmal. Ich folge dir nach Paris.» ist mit ihm in die erste Klasse gegangen und ist seine beste Freundin, seine Lebenspartnerin. Sie ist schon vor zwei Jahren von Zürich nach Paris gezogen. Er entschied sich ihr zu

ARBEITSPLATZ — TAG ist gewordenArchitektinundlebt nun in Paris — seit zwei Jahren

«JeEr: jo je jo jei schon sind wir weg von hier und machen Ou ou INNEN/ZUHAUSEou.»

AUSSEN/ZUHAUSE PARIS/ ESSZIMMER — NACHT Oi oi oi. So genial. Er geht mit ihr nach Hause und hört nur noch Oh oh oh. Dann sind sie weg von hier. Sie schlendern nach Hause.

alles Gute und drücke die Daumen. Grüss von mir. Ich habe dich lieb, «OhSie:Ciao.»oh oh

PARIS/ ESSZIMMER — NACHT Sie kochen gemeinsam zur Feier des Tages Braten und Kartoffeln und laden ein paar Freunde ein. Mutter (Telefon): «Hier in der Schweiz ist alles in Ordnung — alles schön geordnet und verteilt. Ich konnte deine ganze Büroarbeit und deine Finanzarbeit Meistensabgeben.schlafe ich morgens bis neun Uhr und gehe um neun Uhr ins Bett. Das passt perfekt. Wie geht’s euch den in Frankreich?» Er «Gut(Telefon):Mutter,es geht uns gut. Wir haben gerade Gäste. Wir feiern, weil ich Arbeit bekommen habe. Vorerst als Aushilfe. Büro Kram und so. Bis ich die Sprache besser «WünschSie:kann.» deiner Mutter alles liebe von mir!» Er (Telefon): « lässt dir liebe Grüsse «Ichausrichten.»meldemich bald «Fein,Mutterwieder.»(Telefon):macht’sgut. Ich wünsch dir Telefoneihn.immerTelefonnummer,unbedingtsplitternackt.merentrümpeltBettsosindBeatricealtRückblickend:KINDERZIMMERAUSSEN/ELTERNHAUS/meinerIninErDank!»geschrieben«DasEr:wie(ungeschminkt)Beatrice,INNEN/ZUHAUSEMehl.»PARIS/KÜCHEkommtoriginalindieKüchefrüher,jedenMorgen.hastdusuperBeatrice,liebenhälteinLiebesbriefchenderHand.Daraufsteht:innigerVollkommenheitLiebezuDir.—TAGbeide18Jahrekommtzuihm.SienochTeenager.Siehatallesdrauf,wasmanimsodraufhabenwill.SiesogarseinZim-undamEndesindbeideErwilleinHandyundihredamitsieerreichbaristfürSiebesorgensichundverabredensich FernsehernochSoDieser«DerSie:französisch«Gefühle»«IchEr:sagtedie«DurchSie:demetwasLiebeslebenTVZeitenSieSieFACHHANDELINNEN/ZUHAUSEmitverdientsehenNungelaufen.»bistdu«JeEr:vermisstunseredichbistdu«JeSie:Frühstück.ErESSZIMMERINNEN/ZUHAUSE«JeSie:«Jewir«Jeoubist«SchonEr:jozugemacht,zudrehter«SchonSie:SCHLAFZIMMERINNEN/ZUHAUSEunzertrennlich.PARIS/—NACHTwirstdudurchge-sein,umnachHausekommen.Wirhabenallesumhierangelangtsein.HierinParis.Jejejojei.»hastdudasdrinundwegvonhier,umOuouMehlgemachtzuhaben.»jojejojeijetztsinddannbaldimBett.»jojejojei.Ououou.»jejei.»PARIS/—TAGwartetaufundaufsjojejojeischonhastdasdrinbehaltenundwegvonhier.Dukannsterinnern,dassichgemeinsamenMorgenhatte.»jojejojeischonhastdasdrininKopfmehlundweiterzurArbeithatersieinParisge-unddenkt,ernichtsBesseresalszusammenzusein.PARIS/—TAGkaufensicheinenTV.erinnernsichandiewosieaufdemSofaschauten.IhrbrauchtmanchmalTV.SiekuschelnaufSofaundschauenTV.TVschauenlerntmanSpracheschneller,sieihm.»müsstedirmeinemalaufpräsentieren.»siehtsehrmodischaus.TVhier.»genial.Etwaswassienichtbewältigte:aufzustehen. 20

«JeEr: jo je jo jei schon hast du das drin in Kopfmehl.» «OuSie:ou ou und jetzt wollen wir weiter gehen. Reden lernen. Französisch.»

«DuSie:kannst nochmal anrufen «JeEr:wollen.»joje jo jei jetzt kannst du mich suchen wolIchlen.ruf gleich an. Ich hoffe die haben etwas frei.» Er schaut aufs Jobinserat, das auf dem Tisch liegt. «DuEr: kannst nochmal nach Hause kommen. Jetzt geht es ab hier und noch einmal zu Hause bleiben im Kopfmehlvolumen bis in die Morgengrauen. Ich habe einen Job «JeSie:bekommen.»jojejo jei, jetzt sind wir weg von hier.» «Je jo je je jei jetzt sind wir nochmal weg von hier. «JeEr: je je je jei jetzt sind wir weg von hier. Wow wow wow wow wow jetzt sind wir weg.»

regelmässig und rufen regelmässig an. Jeden Abend hören sie sich. Sie sind einfach

«JeSie:jo je jo jei schon haben wir das drin. Je jo je jo jei.» Schon sind beide ein Schritt weitergekommen. Voll «OuSie:Euphorie.ouou ou ou jetzt musst du Je je je schreiben lernen. Französisch.»

INNEN/ZUHAUSE PARIS/ WOHNZIMMER — TAG

SMS Übermorgen,ARBEITGEBER:Montag Arbeiten. «DasEr: ist aber ein Mini-Modell. Den können wir uns leisten. Weisst du noch? Wie im Tessin. Fernsehen bei «EinSie:Sonnenschein.»Mini-Modell.Farbe?

«HeuteEr: kann ich das immer noch. Noch langweiliger. Ordnung machen. Ich habe alle Korrespondenzen zu ordAUSSEN/ZUHAUSEnen.»

machen, hiess es im Inserat. Mal schauen was mich INNEN/ZUHAUSEerwartet.»

PARIS/ KREUZUNG — TAG ist fast wieder vors Auto gelaufen. Auto hupt. «PassEr: den auf!» «JeSie:jo je jo jei nicht noch hast du das weg von hier. Böse und gefährlich.» «OuEr: ou ou ou ou schon sind wir drin in Kopfmehl. Schon haben wir das drin im Je o je o jei. Du kannst Esnochmal.»gabfast ein Zusammenstoss mit wettbewerbes.Auswahlmen.—INNEN/ZUHAUSESchlafSchonjetzt«MehrSie:brauchefertig.KorrespondenzicheinenkleinererblauerLichtpunkte.sahSchwarzmachte«IchEr:SCHLAFZIMMERINNEN/ZUHAUSEheranfahrendeneinemAuto.PARIS/—DÄMMERUNGwollteschlafenunddieAugenzu.MitindenAugenliedernichdreiEingrosserundeinetwasblauerundnochweissenkleineren.Achweissauchnicht.DiemachtemichIchglaubeicheineBrille.»Emotion!IchkanninsBettgehen.habenwirdasdrin.gut.»PARIS/ENTREENACHTmussbaldnachHausekom-SieistinderengereneinesArchitektur-Alleswaser fertig INNEN/ZUHAUSEist.» PARIS/KÜCHE — «PünktlichSie:NACHT angeliefert.» «,Er:auf ein Bier? Komm ich hol die Jacke. Ich habe heute keine Lust mehr zu kochen, das muss gefeiert werden. Ihr seid einen Schritt weiter. INNEN/ZUHAUSEGratuliere!» PARIS/ WOHNZIMMER — NACHT «AuSie:ja! Lass uns raus Siegehen.»schaltet den TV aus. Beide gehen aus der Wohnung. INNEN/ZUHAUSE PARIS/BISTRO — «EsEr:NACHTgeht um greifbares Verlangen. Ich will wieder mal anfassen und mich berühren lassen — intellektuell von Originalen. Das Durcheinander bei der Arbeit, Korrespondenzen, ist von gestern. Die Arbeit berührt mich kaum. Ich bin einfach nur zur Hilfe dort.» etwasEr: Neues.» «WarteSie: doch einfach auf Südamerika. Ich bekomme genug für uns beide. Spiel etwas «IchEr:Hausmann.»ladedich ein zum Drink. Was das kostet sind fünf Euro und etwas sollte man haben im Leben, nämlich 21

versteht, als sie ihm davon berichtet Giraffenmuster.ist: Sie kommt gerade nach Hause. «AufregungSie: im Text wird erwartet. So was wie Ge«WieSie:fühlsduselei.»werdenwir uns danach in Südamerika auf einer Brücke stehend küssen und «JeEr:umarmen.»jeje jo jei. Sowas schreibt ihr?» «NatürlichSie: nicht. Du und ich machen das dann. Wenn alles

«BrauchstSie:

SchriftstellerarbeiteSchriftsteller.Er:lebtehatte«JeSie:IchStadiumDachschaden.«Er:schrauben.»mehr«JetztSie:Fernbedienung.IhrKugelschreiberSeinWohnzimmer.dürfen—LebenErTV-Gerät«SchonSie:konntediesemwohinSegeln«WeisstEr:—AUSSEN/PARKPLATZ/FACHHANDELGlotze.»TAGdu?IchschriebvomundichwunderemichdieNotizenvonEssayhingingen,ichsieeinfachnichthastdudasdrin.DasimLeihwagen.»undhändigennieimihreSpielzeugeausnichtmalberührtwerden,sie.FeinsäuberlichSpielzeugisteinimMoment.SpielzeugistdiekönntenwirnochRegalemitWandmontageduhastwiedermaleinenTeebisdiesesbeidirfertigist?liebedich,weisstdu?»jojeijojei.DumbomaleineMützeundimZirkus.DumboAberichabMontagfüreinen—Ordnung

Die Fernbedienung ist genial.» «DaEr: gab’s mal irgendwo diesen Roman, den ich irgendwo gesehen hatte. Es ging ums Fehler machen, bis an die Toleranzgrenze, aber nicht darüber.» «Den wollte ich mal lesen.» du nicht, jetzt schauen wir bald wieder in die

PARIS/ SCHLAFZIMMER — TAG «DuSie siehst aus wie ein Wilder. Rost am Tor, — das kann man wegmachen lassen. Im Traum hörte ich Schritte im Büro und konnte diese Schritte erkennen und beim Hören anordnen.»

«NichtSie: mehr.» Colin Schälli

22

«ImSie:Je je jei sind wir weg von hier.»

«JeEr: jo je jo jei sind wir weg von hier.»

PARIS/ENTREE — SieNACHTkommen zuhause an, hängen Jacken und Schlüssel auf und gehen zum Sofa. Sie kuscheln. Der TV bleibt ausgeschalten. «DezemberEr: — bis dann ist schon Winter, Schnee wird’s geben in den Alpen.» «DaSie:muss jemand nachhelfen für die Zeit zwischen September bis November.»

«JeSie:jo je jo jei sind wir weg von hier.»

AUSSEN/ZUHAUSE PARIS/ HEIMWEG — NACHT Sie laufen Hand in Hand nach INNEN/ZUHAUSEHause.

«OhEr: oh oh oh oh sind wir weg von hier.»

INNEN/ZUHAUSE PARIS/ WOHNZIMMER — NACHT Südamerika ist für beide die beste Wahl. Er behält seinen Aushilfsjob. «UndSie: jetzt dauert es noch ein paarmal schlafen.» «WasSie: passiert, wenn’s mit Korrespondenzen ordnen nicht «,Er:weitergeht?»esstauen sich ein paar Dinge an, die uninteressant sind. Ich kann da Abhilfe verschaffen. Ich mache einen ganz ordentlichen Job.» INNEN/ZUHAUSE PARIS/BISTRO — ErNACHTtrifft und ihre Arbeitskollegen in einem Bistro zur Feier des ErTAGINNEN/PARISliert.Errika«Nunbewerbhatte,dirArchitekturteam.«DasSie:Architekturwettbewerbes.gewonnenenistdassuperWieichschonamTelefonerzählthabenwirdenWett-gewonnen.»stehtunsbaldSüdame-zuFüssen.»umarmtsieundgratu-ARBEITSPLATZ—hatseineFrauinParis behalten und hat seine Ruhe beim Französisch lernen mit INNEN/ZUHAUSEKorrespondenzen.PARIS/KÜCHE —

«ImEr: Jejejei sind wir weg von «JeSie:hier.»jojejo jei schon sind wir weg von hier, um nach oben zu gehen.»

SieDÄMMERUNGunder kochen Abendessen und wiederholen ihren spielerischen Dialog von früher aus Kinderzeiten.

«JeEr: jo je jo jei. Schon haben wir das geschlafen gehabt und sind weg von hier.»

fünf Euro. Je je je ou jei.» «WennEr: ich lange genug bei diesem Schriftsteller bin. Wer weiss, vielleicht bringt er mir das Schreiben bei?» «EntscheidSie: dich dafür, was dir dein Gefühl dir sagt.»

“Square, Practical, Good” ness” of a chocolate (Text from 2015) When I’m working at the computer then I’m often eating chocolate. One of my favorites is “Ritter Sport Olympia” honey, nuts and fructose and last not least: it comes cheap at a bit more than 1 Euro for a bar. I’m fascinated by the brand “Ritter Sport” because for me it stands for something very particu larly German. It’s one of the few chocolate brands that I know of that is not advertised as luxury food. Their slogan is “Quadratisch, Praktisch, Gut”, which translates to “Square, Practical, Good”. Square because the chocolate and its package are square, Practical because it’s easy to open, Good because, well: it’s good, not more, not less. For me, this marketing strategy is so weirdly German and it tells so much about this country. How can chocolate not be advertised as something that induces pleasure? In other countries, chocolate often is advertised as something erotic. Here in Germany, it’s just a square thing, a commodity, and it’s not erotic or sexy or pleasurable, it’s just “good”. I always thought this is somehow funny and in my opinion, it tells a lot about the pragmatic way Germans are thinking: generally more important here than eros, luxury, or pleasure… Sebastian Mayer

23

How can chocolate not be advertised as something that induces pleasure?

24Chicks on speed.

25 O 33 00 L _ Tomato.

26Yokai.

27 Changes.

Color changes. 28

29 Phone-call from god.

Cows on speed. 30

31 All watched over by Machines of Loving Grace.

32 Noir wave.

33 O3 00 ( ( L

HermeneuticsHermeneutics is the theory and methodology of especiallyinterpretation,theinterpretation of biblical texts, wisdom literature, and philosophical texts. Hermeneutics is more than interpretative principles or methods used when immediate comprehension fails and includes the art of understanding and communication. Modern hermeneutics includes both verbal and non-verbal communication as well as semiotics, presuppositions, and pre-understandings. Hermeneutics has been broadly applied in the humanities, especially in law, history and Hermeneuticstheology. was initially applied to the interpretation, or exegesis, of scripture, and has been later broadened to questions of general interpretation. The terms hermeneutics and exegesis are sometimes used interchangeably. Hermeneutics is a wider discipline which includes written, verbal, and non-verbal communication. Exegesis focuses primarily upon the word and grammar of texts. Hermeneuticshttps://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/

_ Hermes! God of boundaries, roads and travelers, thieves, athletes, shepherds, commerce, speed, cunning, wit and sleep Psychopomp and divine messenger

O03 ( Psychopompspeed,athletes, 34 context new hermeneuticunderstandingcirclenewcontextinitialunderstanding text

graphic design and layout, Colin Schälli a magazine by the hermeneutic garage TSPORT OMATO

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