The Sun Star- April 1st, 2014

The

FUN STAR Tuesday, April 1, 2014

page 7

Miss Euphoria hired as new editor-in-chief

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Student Health Center baffled by non-sexually transmitted disease

Skunks will be used after pups in library successful during finals week

Students get their salads tossed as a part of new Wood Center dining option Ephy Wheeler Fun Star Contributor “Let us toss your salad.”

It’s the catch phrase of Wood Center’s latest dining addition, ‘Tossed Salad.’ For as little as $6.95, the eatery boasts a selection of healthy options like mesclun and tofu.

Getting your salad tossed is easy.

First, you select your greens - leafy, thick greens like kale, or lighter, less pungent greens, such as romaine lettuce.

Next, you pick meat for your salad. Thick, spiced sausages and tightlycased salamis are both popular options.

Finally, at long last, the salad specialists at Tossed squirt on one of their three signature sauces, either creamy, salty or tangy, depending on the chef’s mood that day.

Chris Eagles and Sean Dowgray, first year graduate students in the Masters of Fine Arts program, on the receiving end of a test skunk. Kaz Alvarez/ Fun Star

Kaz Alvarez

Track” campaign decided to implement a proFun Star Reporter gram similar in concept to what Companions, Inc. provides but opposite in Skunks and porcupines impact. will be released into the Pub during finals week The intention is to motito chase students back to vate students to study by their books so they can making distracting envifocus on finishing their ronments unbearable, degree within four years. starting with the Pub. Officials with the Univer- Formally titled “The sity of Alaska’s “Stay On Stank Out,” the program

will begin the evening of vating them to do well on Friday, May 2. their finals. The pets have even been present to conCompanions, Inc. has sole students after particexperienced success and ularly painful exams. popularity during the last year and a half by pro- “The dogs in the library viding adorable pets for are nice, but I don’t study students to snuggle in the there,” said Nathan Quilcomfort of the Rasmuson lian, a super senior in library.

Biochemistry. “I hang out in the Pub. I just can’t Dogs were brought on focus on school during campus to aid students in finals.” relieving stress and moti-

The Stank Out will only bring in wild skunks and porcupines rather than the domesticated house pets from previous programs. Though Companions, Inc. does not work with wild forest animals, they will be working with the Department of Fish and Game to bring the creatures in.

Both male and female students have found pleasure at Tossed Salad.

“I’m glad there’s a lighter option on campus,” said engineering junior Jeremy Foster. He added, “Sometimes I just want a meal that feels really personal.”

Art freshman Stacy Alderman is a self-proclaimed Tossed Salad addict.

continued on page 5 Continue to pg. 3

Russia sends troops to Alaska border

AURORA FORCAST

Lenin Lau Fun Star Reporter MOSCOW - Riding a wave of Nationalist pride after the annexation of Crimea, an emboldened President Vladimir Putin has now set his sights on Alaska.

courtesy of the geophysical institute

Putin, shirtless and mounted on a bear, spoke to a special joint session of the Russian parliament about the successful annexation of Crimea, comparing it to the 1776 Declaration of Independence of the United States from the British Empire and their successful invasion and takeover of Native American lands.

Putin also revealed his intention of sending Russian troops to Alaska in order to protect ethnic Russians living there, citing the strong Russian presence there in the

Campus Life pg. 2

Reflection from solar panel distracts pilot Kaz Alvarez Fun Star Reporter

Black and Dark Blue Aurora predicted to last until next week.

Vladimir Putin sits astride his bear.

form of Foreign Exchange declared from atop his students. bear.

“Today we are giving Alaska the chance of selfdetermination,” Putin

continue to page 6

Letters to Editor pg. 6

Back pg. ad pg. 8

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continue to page 3 Tilly study pg. 3

Solar arrays may be removed from campus after a bright glare from one distracted an Alaska Airlines pilot flying over campus.

Officials at the University of Alaska Fairbanks are currently reconsidering a current proposal to install solar arrays on campus after a glare from panels located next to the Cold Climate Housing Research Center caught the attention of a pilot flying out of the Fairbanks International Airport.

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2

THE FUN STAR

TUESDAY, APRIL,1 2014

FAKE CAMPUS LIFE

MAN ON THE STREET: Boxers or Briefs?

Staff Report

“Both.”

“pairI prefer a man in a nice of whitey tighties.”

-Rick Perry, 53,

-Susane Flowers, 19, Psychology Major

Undeclared

The Fun Star Volume XXXIII Number 21 April 1, 2014 The Sun Star’s mission as a campus voice for UAF is to report the news honestly and fairly, announce and chronicle events and provide a forum for expressions of opinion.

EDITORIAL OFFICES Rm. 123 Wood Center P.O. Box 756640 Fairbanks, AK 99775 Tel: (907) 474-6039 Ads Dept: (907) 474-7540 Fax: (907) 474-5508 www.uafsunstar.com

STAFF Miss Euphoria Editor-in-Chief editor@uafsunstar.com Julie Herrmann Copy Editor

Kaz Alvarez Sun Star Reporter Senators present Kemper Chabotte, Eli Barry-Garland, Jordyn Houlton, Shane Poindexter, Cordero Reid, Ashley Strauch, Daniel Strigle, Sarah Walker, Lida Zakurdaew, Mickey Zakurdaew

Lenin Lao Web Editor Reporters Lakeidra Chavis Ephy Wheeler Kaz Alvarez Reagan Campbell Lenin Lao Photographers Moriah Gates Kaz Alvarez Advisor Robyne robyne@alaska.edu

Disclaimer Everything printed in this issue, except for paid advertisments, is false. The content in this issue is meant for comedic purposes only. All quotes and stories have been made up with comical and/or satircal intent.

-Paul McRobertson, 82, Mechanical Engineering student

Carrot Top, 49, Nursing student

nology is slightly glitchy and the image fades away for long periods of time.

Mancill and Strigle each sat on O’Scannell’s projection.

validity of evolution, roll- O’Scannell still vetoed the ing eyes at elected officials legislation. and lengthening lab time for all science courses.

Committees

Perhaps a pake

First reading of “SB 1825678 Conduction of meetings in acappela format” fell flat with the senate.

Chabotte and and BarryGarland cowrote the bill to mandate that all senate meetings must be conducted in acappela fashion.

Carrick proposed a committee be formed to plan an end of the year celebration for ASUAF senators and officers. O’Scannell expressed support of this Senators absent committee before her Matthew Carrick, Brix projection glitched out again.

Hahn Officers present and

Raechyl Huisingh Layout Editor layout@uafsunstar.com Guests

Moriah Gates Photo Editor photo@uafsunstar.com

“Briefs all the way”

ASUAF Recap- March 30, 2014

Ayla O’Scannell Michael Mancill

Pomi Chafin Advertising Manager ads@uafsunstar.com

“that?”

What kind of question is

Bill Nye Hologram technology comes to UAF Senators and Office Manager Anne Williamson have located new technology to allow senators and officers to participate when outside of Fairbanks. Williamson tracked down two hologram sets that can record the movements and speech of a person and project them to a partner device placed onto a seat.

Senators and officers will check out the equipment before traveling.

O’Scannell was first to use the new technology while away for Model UN in New York. The tech-

Strauch offered to be a member to ensure a significant amount of cheesecake would be purchased. Poindexter requested more information on whether cheesecake was cake or pie. This led to a heated debate between senators and officers. Strigle used the bylaws to temporarily appoint Carrick senate chair so that he could weigh in on the discussion. Senators decided to include a poll question on the upcoming elections ballot to allow the student body the final say.

A-ca-awkward

Each senator would choose a tune and only speak to that tune in meetings.

O’Scannell vetoed the bill immediately, before Strigle could assign the bill to a committee. “Aca-scuze me?!”

Chabotte said. Strigle insisted that decorum be followed.

Meeting spaces

Mancill is attempting to move senate meetings to an alternative location where they can be held more professionally. Mickey Zakurdaew motioned to suspend rules and procedures to move “SB 182-5678 ConEvolution duction of meetings in Nye, popularly known as acappela format” back the Science Guy, attend- to first reading, prior to ed the ASUAF meeting O’Scannell’s veto. to express his interest in campaigning for ASUAF Strigle reminded Mickey president. Hull immedi- Zakurdaew that suspendately began texting her ing rules and procedures running mate, Carrick, did not constitute time to have him check if Nye travel. Chabotte seconded is, in fact, a UAF student. the motion. The motion Nye’s platform revolves was not discussed and unanimously. around promoting the passed

“I just feel like anyone who is a super senior won’t want to hear from a The Public Relations and younger person,” Mickey Internal Relations com- Zakurdaew said. mittees did not meet.

The Executive Commit- “What are you trying to tee met to discuss travel say?” Lida Zakurdaew funding. Mickey Zakurd- said. aew motioned to suspend “It’s true that younger rules and procedures to students, especially freshreturn to the start of the men, tend not to undermeeting when the holo- stand what it means to gram projector was set up. be a super senior,” BarStrigle reminded Mickey ry-Garland said. “But do Zakurdaew again that sus- we want a super senior pending rules and pro- on the committee? They cedures did not have the might sabotage from same effect as time travel within.” but allowed the motion. The senate decided that Chabotte seconded the student members should motion. O’Scannell’s pro- be between the ages of jection remained seated 20 and 99. An incentive at the table alongside of a free beverage at the Strigle. Strauch motioned Pub would be worked out to suspend rules and pro- with Donald Crocker, pub cedures to return to com- manager, to encourage mittee reports where she proper behavior on the could speak on behalf of committee. the Student Affairs Committee. Houlton seconded Poindexter motioned to and the senate went for- end the meeting and was seconded by Reid. Strigle ward, into the future. denied the motion due to the remaining items on the agenda. Mickey Accepting nominations Zakurdaew motioned to Strigle opened the floor suspend rules and procefor nominations to the dures to move to final roll Super Senior commit- call. Poindexter, Reid and tee. This committee is an Lida Zakuraew fought to effort made by adminis- second the motion. The tration to help students motion passed unaniwho have taken longer mously. than four years earn their degree. The senators discussed the merits of having a super senior on the The notes listed above are committee. satire. You can find the Senators decided that real recap from this week’s discrimination against senate meeting online.

MISSING CAT! Precious striped cat, Jamal Pancakes, has been missing from its home since last Tuesday.

If you have any information about Jamal, or would like to be a reporter for The Sun Star, please stop by the office at the Wood Center.

younger students would be allowed in this case.

TUESDAY, APRIL 1, 2014

FAKE NEWS

WWW.UAFSUNSTAR.COM

continued from cover

Solar panel distracts pilot

“I remember that I saw an incredibly bright light coming from the ground and was just captivated by it,” said Captain Wyatt Tolipwing.

the installation would be aesthetically unappealing, distract from the beautiful terrain park next to the administrative building and become a danger to pilots.

“I was really dazed by the light. Next thing I know, I’m on my way to China!”

“We knew that this would become an issue,” said Regent Kenneth Fisher.

Tolipwing was flying Alaskan Airlines flight 132 to Vancouver with a full roster and was flying over Alaska’s west coast when he regained control of his senses.

“We didn’t think a plane would veer so far off course as to put China on alert, but we knew solar panels would be dangerous.”

The detour toward China forced the plane to land again in Fairbanks to refuel.

It has not yet been decided if Alaska Airlines will An Alaska Airlines pilot claimed he was dazed from the glare coming from solar panels as he flew over the University of Alaska Fairexpect UAF to repay them for the extra fuel or refund banks campus. Because of this, the pilot and plane went off course and was headed to China. Moriah Gates/ Fun Star the passengers their airfare.

“

I was really dazed by the light. Next thing I know, I’m on my way to China!”

“I’ve seen lakes light up midday but never as -Captain Wyatt Tolipwing bright as those panels!” failed to alert the pilot to against installing them the wis”dom of solar Tolipwing said. on the Butrovich building arrays on campus after his altered destination.

Alaska Airlines has not yet in June,” said Regent Kirk this incident. We may offered comment on how “We knew that solar Wickersham. have to remove them all.” the plane’s instruments arrays were a poor decision when we voted “We will no doubt review Originally, a proposal to

continued from cover Skunks

install solar panels on the Butrovich building was denied after failing to receive a sixth vote in its favor on the grounds that

area, with the exception Many professors will be “We had a hard time stench. of the actual bar where giving students confirma- convincing professors to gates will be installed to tion slips after each final. agree to the slips,” Crock- “I’ve already got a list of er said. “There are still supplies to get for finals block their access.

Students needing that quite a few who will not week,” Quillian said. “I “I wasn’t convinced at celebratory beer, cider or be providing any slips, but was going to get note first that this was a good glass of wine after finals we made them pretty easy cards but, after I buy the “This means staying away idea, but Amy made a can arrive armed with to forge.” hockey gear, nerf gun and from places like the UAF convincing arguement.” those confirmation slips tomato sauce, I won’t be Pub. Really, we are focus- said Donald Crocker, the to receive access to the Students without slips can able to afford them.” ing on the minorities now since our other campaigns If students expect to finish their degrees on time, have been so successful.

The pub is sparsely poputhey need to remain focused on their academic work” lated during finals but we are trying to reach out to -Amy Flunkery UAF’s super seniors.”

“

The foldable wall will be closed to separate the extra seating area from the main portion of the Pub. The skunks and porcupines will be free to do their work in the main

~

“

Tossed Salad

“We are more than capable of relying on Golden Valley Electric Association if our energy capabilities falter.”

made to remove all of the art and cover the floors.

“We are not sure yet how we will protect the Pub itself against the animals,” Crocker said.

“Trash bags on the floor was considered, but these guys have sharp claws.

We’re still working out our plan.”

Students can expect a new fee on their bill during the next academic year to accommodate potential repairs to the Pub as a result of this program.

Study finds link between Tilly food and blatant disappointment among students who want to get their money’s worth Lakeidra Chavis Fun Star Reporter

disappointment, apathy quality and is prepared and boredom. fresh.

“Our team found that the food was really just too plain and boring,” lead researcher Maria Cosohovo said, “Students who kept eating the food for more than a semester said that eventually it just all tasted the same.”

According to a study published Monday, there is a high correlation between blatant disappointment and general disgust with food served at the Lola Tilly Commons, and students who had hoped to The Tilly serves breakget their money’s worth. fast, lunch and dinner The study, published in throughout the week.

“Academic Food Journal Meal plans range from Today,” found that fre- $1,600 to nearly $2,500. quent intake of the food According to the cafetecaused students severe ria’s staff, the food is of Tossed Salad offers customers many take home options, if they prefer to not have their salads tossed at the resteraunt or are in a hurry. Fun Star

“

I just love the look on people’s faces when I toss their salad for them,”

-Art Bugler as much about quality customer service.

“Most people just simply aren’t used to this kind of personal treatment, and they realize that,” he added. “I mean, we’re Art Bugler is the master- talking about people who mind behind Tossed’s grew up tossing their own successful salads. salads, you know what I mean?”

“I just love the look on people’s faces when I Tossed Salad is available toss their salad for them,” on Mondays and TuesBugler said. “It’s a truly days from 11:00 a.m. to satisfying service for peo- 3:00 p.m. ple.”

Bugler went on to say that although Tossed’s success could be chocked up to fresh ingredients, it is just

“If there is a chance that they can negatively impact the university’s image, they will simply have to go,” Wickersham said.

“If any improvement in final grades is seen, this We are not sure yet how we will protect the Pub itself against the animals,” program may continue,” Flunkery said, adding that -Donald Crocker she and her colleagues will be making observaMany students and Pub tions based on the sucpub manager. “Eventu- back area of the Pub. A brave the critters in the staff have expressed concess of all students at UAF. main area of the Pub but ally, it was clear that this Pub bartender will escort cern over the safety of the will not be provided any was happening, so I set them safely to the sealed up a token system for stu- area where they can par- protective gear or tomato establishment. sauce for the quills and Suggestions have been dents.” take in their libations.

continued from cover

“I’ve been vegan since I was 15, so I’m happy to find a quality salad on campus. The ingredients are good, almost like you can feel them tickling your insides.”

It is still undecided how the solar panels installed on the Student Recreation Center will be handled since that building is a student supported building.

in Pub

“If students expect to finish their degrees on time, they need to remain focused on their academic work,” said Academic Adviser Amy Flunkery.

Students will not be actively banned from the Pub during finals, but the environment will be made uncomfortable for that week.

3

Tossed Salad open in Wood Center. Fun Star

continued from cover

However, researchers found that one of the leading causes of apathy was the fact that vegetarian dishes often include meat.

That claim didn’t sit well with some of the cafeteria’s chefs.

“We cook this food fresh every day,” said Chef Joe Backster, as he pointed to a shelf filled with supersized canned food and dehydrated eggs.

Putin’s Alaska

“We gave Crimea a chance vote without government to declare independence, tyranny.” now we will give Alaska a Meanwhile, in Washchance to choose.” ington D. C., President Putin ordered Russian Obama spoke to the press troops to the border to corps, exclaiming that the prepare for an invasion, U.S. would impose more ordering them to be ready sanctions on Russia, for the mobilization into notably on their exports U.S. territory. of Russian brides and circus bears.

He outlined his plans for a referendum to allow “These types of actions Alaskans to choose to join will not be tolerated!” said Russia or to be shot on President Obama. “We the spot for voting against cannot allow Russian to succession. act with impunity, that is why I am proposing new “We will have fair and sanctions and plan to open elections,” Putin work with European leadexplained while flexing ers to kick Russia out of his torso. “Russian troops the U.N. and other world will be at every polling clubs.” booth making sure that Alaskans will be free to The president went on to

say that Russia crossing into US territory would constitute a “Red Line” being crossed, and if Russia dared to cross it, more “Red Lines” would be on the way.

Obama stressed the importance of diplomatic solutions, stating that “words must triumph over tanks” and that “war is not the answer.”

Meanwhile, students at UAF were asked in a poll who Vladimir Putin was, surprisingly, out of the 100 students asked, one knew he “was a Russian guy.”

VOTE FOR A LEADERSHIP CHANGE! VOTE DR. MISRA!

9 2 L I R P A 4 1 0 2

UA administration has not paid attention to faculty input nor made any effort to defend or bridge the budgetary gap. Rather, the burden is being pushed to faculty, students and staff.This is unacceptable.

Such tough times demand proactive engagement and a “PARADIGM SHIFT” in how UNAC conducts business that I have the leadership to provide.

As President of UNAC, I commit to: 1.

PROFESSIONALISM: Faculty-friendly representation. Reaching out to membership. Optimal use of staff resources.

Members will be welcomed and attended to during working hours.

2. LEADERSHIP: My pledge – Your issue will be my issue! Bottom-up approach putting FACULTY-FIRST. Aggressive advocacy in defending tenure, academic freedom and shared governance.

3. EFFECTIVENESS: Planning begins NOW for 2016 negotiations. We will negotiate with MUTUAL RESPECT ensuring top priority for faculty interests.

4.

TRANSPARENCY: Commitment to transparency. UNAC finance, travel, and ‘meets and confers’ will be logged and available for member scrutiny.

5. SOLIDARITY: Strengthen representation. UNAC, UAFT and UNAD faculty members need to work together to protect faculty interests.

Your vote sends a strong signal of solidarity to UA administration.

PLEASE VOTE! Paid for by UA Faculty Supporting UNAC Leadership Change.

REGISTER NOW TO PRESENT A POSTER POSTER SESSION

Undergraduate students Dean’s Choice $100 Awards Free t-shirt and jump drive for presenters

EARLY REGISTRATION DEADLINE

April 4, 2014 Free poster printing for early registrants

FINAL REGISTRATION DEADLINE April 22, 2014

INFO AT

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MISSING PET DRAGON!

If you have seen this dragon or have any other information, please call 1-907-255-4178 If not, WE GONE FIND YOU!!!!

WWW.UAFSUNSTAR.COM

TUESDAY, APRIL 1, 2014

FAKE CAMPUS LIFE

Student Health Center baffled by non-sexually transmitted disease Fun Star Reporter

doctor’s office, Larson said the lights were dimmed and a hot white lamp was pointed at his face.

On Friday afternoon, 19-year-old Daniel Larson admitted himself to UAF’s health clinic complaining of a series of mysterious symptoms.

“We administered the usual line of questioning: how long have you been sexually active, how many partners have you had and do you suspect any of them were secretly “We’ve never seen anything like it,” ” no-class ladyboy whores?

Fairly noninvasive,” Folke

explained.

Reagan Campbell

He felt tired, lightheaded and just a little “funky” in the back of his throat, like a little tickle, according to Larson. A sophomore at UAF eager to mention he’s a business major, Larson astonished the medical staff when he claimed he is a virgin.

puss-spewing genital Financial Accounting.” warts he might be hiding.

While thumbing through “I see them come through pamphlets on sexually here all the time. Stars transmitted infections in their eyes, as if all and what to do in the event the world’s at the tips of of a urethra that appears their fingers once they to be passing molten lava, complete the Operations Folke claimed, “UAF is Management course, but the closest thing you can that’s just syphilis gnaw- find to a modern Sodom

“

The situation turned in a way usually seen in paranoid Michael Crichton blockbusters when Larson complained of a new symptom: an aching discomfort generating cold sweat and a slight stam“We’ve never seen any- mer as he answered the thing like it,” said Student doctors’ questions.

Health and Counseling “People have a natural Center Director Amelia inclination to lie about Folke. “Our staff can spot their medical history,” a fungal candidiasis rash Folke, a Serbian-born forfrom a mile away, but mer pediatrician claimed, we were really thrown by calling into question Larthis.” son’s unwillingness to When admitted to the come forward with any

-Amelia Folke ing on the brain stem.”

Larson claims that the longer he stayed more and more symptoms began to emerge, such as intense nausea creeping up his esophagus.

or Gomorrah. It’s a hotbed for the most wretched sexual perversions imaginable, a hive of bloodthirsty pubic lice and seasonal aromatic seepage.

We’re well-equipped for handling chlamydia, gonorrhea of the throat, biteskewed boners, and varieties of crotch rot straight out of a 16th Century French nymphomaniac’s nightmare.”

“I was starting to get really freaked,” he says. “I mean, I made out with a couple of girls freshman year, but it never really went anywhere. Even though I usually lead with the fact that But in the matter of young I got an A- in Principals of future entrepreneur Dan-

iel Larson, Folke admitted she’s sure he’s hiding his sexual history and Caligula-esque hedonistic inclinations. She adamantly stated that it’s far beyond outlying statistical possibility that he could have acquired a health problem in any other fashion.

“This place is the slushy, fetid SeaWorld splash deck of vaginal discharges. You’re going to get wet just by hanging around.

Soaked.”

Warning that what may sound like fun to a college-age business major is actually a geyser of flesheating bloodborne disease, Folke insisted she and her staff did all they could in Larson’s case, given his total refusal to cooperate.

“They sent me away with a handful of saltpeter and condoms,” Larson said. “I don’t really know what to do with any of this.”

When asked about any real intention of treat-

5

ing the symptoms Larson described, Folke, a patient, kind-eyed woman wearing elbow-length latex gloves, insists that it’s best not to think about it that way.

“If he’s telling the truth, we’ve got a serious problem on our hands. It could be anything from cancer to adult onset diabetes, but if it’s communicable, things are about to get sticky, and not the kind of sticky we expect at the health center.”

Calmly and steadily leaning forward, as if gradually coming across a working hypothesis for the situation signaled by Larson’s impediments, Folke said, “It’s not unrealistic to expect a pandemic.”

In the meantime, Larson can only intermittently cough and wait to see what becomes of him while studying up on holistic bloodletting practices.

https://mail.google.com/mail/u/0/?ui=2&ik=aaa3963bb2&view=att&th=1443ed16726e3f7c&attid=0.1&disp=safe&realattid=f_hrrfyj8v0&zw

ARE YOU THE NEXT EDITOR-IN-CHIEF? YOUR PHOTO HERE Lakeidra Chavis 2013-2014

Elika Roohi 2012-2013

Heather Bryant 2011-2012

Andrew Sheeler 2010-2011

Think you have what it takes?

Applications now available at uakjobs.com SAY “AH” Q: What are the symptoms of travelers’ diarrhea?

• er.

You have a fever of 102ºF (40ºC) or high-

•

You have severe belly pain.

•

You have bloody diarrhea

Other symptoms can include:

•

You are vomiting.

•

Feeling sick

Q: How is travelers’ diarrhea treated?

Donna Patrick

•

Loss of appetite

• Do not use ice in drinks. Ice is usually made from tap water.

Nurse Practioner

•

Cramps in the lower belly

•

Nausea and vomiting

•

Fever

A: The most important treatment is getting enough fluid. That’s because diarrhea can cause the body to lose fluid. Adults with mild diarrhea can drink lots of fluids with water, salt, and sugar.

Soup broth and water mixed with juice are good choices. If you are drinking enough, your urine will look light yellow or almost clear.

If you have diarrhea more than 4 times a day, you can drink an “oral rehydration solution.” You can buy this in a packet at the pharmacy.

• Do not eat fresh foods at room temperature. This includes guacamole, fruit or chicken salads, and buffet food on a steam table.

A: The main symptom is runny or watery bowel movements about 4 to 14 days after arriving at your destination. But it can occur as far out as 6 days after contact with the offending organism.

Q: I just returned from a trip and am feeling sick with nausea, belly pain and diarrhea. I’m not sure what I should do.

A: It sounds as though you may have travelers’ diarrhea.

Q: What is travelers’ diarrhea?

A: Travelers’ diarrhea is runny or watery bowel movements in people who are traveling or have recently completed travel. It is usually caused by bacteria but can also be caused by a virus or parasite.

• Gas and bloating – Feeling like the belly is full, with pain in the middle or top of the belly.

•

Blood in the bowel movements

• Feeling as though you need have a bow- Other treatments include: el movement even if you just did, or like you need • Antibiotics – These medicines fight to get to the toilet in a hurry infections.

Travelers’ diarrhea usually lasts 1 to 5 days, but • Medicines that ease diarrhea, such as some people are sick for a week or longer. loperamide (brand name: Imodium®) diphenoxylQ: Should I come into the clinic? ate ( Lomotil®), or bismuth subsalicylate ( PeptoBismol® or Kaopectate®) A: You might need to see us if: Q: Can travelers’ diarrhea be prevented?

• You are sick for more than a week.

A: You can reduce your chances of getting travelers’ diarrhea by being careful about what and how you eat and drink.

In the future while traveling: • Do not drink tap water. Drink bottled carbonated drinks, beer, wine, or hot tea or coffee instead. Brush your teeth with bottled water.

• Do not eat food from carts or stands in the street.

• Do not eat sauces set out on restaurant tables. This includes salsa and ketchup.

• Do not eat foods or drinks made with unpasteurized milk.

• Ask for drinks in the bottle, without ice.

If you drink from a glass, use a straw.

• Do not eat fruits unless they have a peel and you have peeled them yourself.

• Make sure meat and seafood are well done and eggs have a firm yolk.

Sponsored by UAF Student Health and Counseling/University Student and Advancement Division. For additional information, contact the Student Health & Counseling at 474-7043 or visit our Web site at www.uaf.edu/chc University and Student Advancement Division

Russian Club Bake Sale Tuesday April 8th 12:00 - 3:00 in Wood Center

CONGRATULATIONS!!!

To the recipients of the SPRING 2014 RISE BOARD grants Environmental Slam Event - Benjamin Abbott and Chas Jones $2,500 Fairbikes UAF Memberships - Benjamin Abbott – $22,000 Waterless Urinals Trial Project - Benjamin Abbott and Chas Jones ‐ $20,000 Sustainable Engineering Projects: Steel Bridge & Concrete Canoe - Abdel Abouhaib, Tripp Collier, Logan Balstad and Martin Gray ‐ $2,375 Toro Electric Cart for Recycling- Alexander Bergman ‐ $12,420

Free Store Startup Project - Alexander Bergman $5,000 OneTree Course: Developing A Generation of Sustainability Practitioners Dr. Janice C. Dawe $10,000 Sustainable Village Drying Racks - Kira Leonard and Britta Hamre $150 Electric Campus Shuttle - Kaitlyn Moneymaker $45,000 CTC Parking Garage LED Lighting Project - Kristoffer Nystrom and Tomas Nichols

Overworked professor hogging 5 classes this semester

Letter to the Editor Instead, we move from Dear editor (the previous investigative reporting to editor), unadulterated melodrama!

Lakeidra Chavis Fun Star Reporter

After a long year of mistakes, offenses and ridiculous blunders, you have fallen to a new low!

Between leading an after school program at a local high school and conducting career-long research, Assistant Professor of Physics Alex McConoham is hogging five classes this spring semester all to himself, according to complaints filed last Wednesday.

The teacher's “selfishness” caused a firestorm causing the Chancellor's office to be flooded with angry emails and phone calls.

You’ve stepped down, giving us hope for a new paper. Surely now we will have a reprieve, a chance to read happy stories! Stories about success.

Stories about communities coming together. have to take on an extra class beginning next school year with no extra pay.

"Can you believe his nerve? Getting up at 7 a.m. to teach a class and "Some people even then staying after 9 p.m. walked up to our office to complain to our face," to get all of his work Chancellor's Office Assis- done? Who the hell does tant Marie George-Willis that? Selfish cold-hearted people, that's who," said.

Assistant Term Professor The complaints come just Bettie Newman said of weeks after the University McConoham. of Alaska administration George-Willis said most released a memo saying of the complaints centhat professors would

tered on McConoham's reported careless disregard and demeaning dedication to education.

Below is how I feel about the rest of this year.

Your attempts at investi- Let’s not talk about sex, gating supposed conspir- baby acies were tiring to read.

Let’s just talk about you Your long articles force an and her exhausted brain to think much too hard in the Let’s talk about all the afternoon. You don’t even mistakes have good comics! and the blunders that Under the reign of Miss you’ve done, Euphoria, we’ll be subjected to sexual advice Let’s not talk about sex. in every article that is I hope you both are fired. beyond the realm of physSincerely, ical possibility. T

We could have calm articles about administrative business, academic he last hope I have held accomplishments and onto is that Miss Euphoria Ina Clozzette will refrain from continureal news.

"It raises an alarm when a professor, who doesn't even have tenure, cares so much about teaching," she said.

Dear editor, George-Willis added that the complaints filed said that McConoham's selfishness was causing other professors to feel pressure to work hard and have just as much dedication.

ing her column and keep sex out of the editorials.

Another Letter to the Editor

I am shocked that there has not been even a modicum of attention directed to a very serious issue affecting everyone who lives, works or studies at UAF.

It is a highly important issue and no one will leave UAF unaffected.

I am talking about dihydrogen monoxide in every drinking fountain, every shower, every sink and every drink dispenser.

and the Sun Star has not paid any attention to it.

This must change!

Sincerely, Deirdre Lansom

This issue is important

FAKE EDITORIAL

Miss Euphoria: Editor-in-Chief...FINALLY Miss Euphoria Editor-in-Chief With the sweeping changes happening around campus, the Sun Star has decided to add one more to that list.

Yes, I, Miss Euphoria, have been appointed as the new Editor-in-Chief, but that is not all!

The Sun Star that you know and glance at occasionally is over! In its place is a new way of communicating the news: through free music (and you’re going to love it too)!

That’s right, kids, our new slogan is: “if we sing it, you

know it, if we write it, you website. can’t read!”

The University has leaped In case you haven’t on board with our decinoticed, reading is kind of sion and is fully backing totally over. In its place, us up because it is very television and music have cost effective and will help come, and it looks like they a few people out of jobs. are here to stay a while.

Collaboration, of course, will be necessary.

The Sun Star has fully embraced this realization The Sun Star has commanand will begin produc- deered the KSUA recording what some are calling ing studio as our head“factual musicals.” quarters, and we have already begun recording, We will not be changing but we will need support our name, but we will be from the Music Departchanging our message. ment.

Each week, under my Some jobs will be created new and superior leader- and some will be cut. We ship, there will be CD’s are currently seeking a dispersed out around stage yodeler to perform campus and then posted campus news in the Wood as free downloads on our

Center.

Our new staff knows this to be inaccurate.

This job will help replace at least half a dozen report- If you would like to be a ers and save 10s of dollars. part of the new news staff, we will welcome you with We are also seeking quiet open arms (after an open musicians to play instru- audition of course) and ments as background we will see you… or rather noise to our news reports, hear you very soon. but they really do need to know how to play quietly. In the meantime, we would like to remind our This change was supposed readership that this is the to happened sooner, but last print issue from us our most recent Editor that you will ever see. wasn’t as competent at seeing how to reach peo- Fortunalately ta need for ple with the news and was a copy editer is no longger nervous about the switch. nessissery n weve - uve curse - let um go!

When reached for comment, she still held that Thank you for reading this University students should and you will be hearing be and presently were lit- from us soon. erate and able to read.

Miss Euphoria Editor-in-Chief

WWW.UAFSUNSTAR.COM

TUESDAY, APRIL 1, 2014

FAKE LEISURE

7

DULY NOTED over heard in the news room :

1 Editor: Our Board meeting is next Thursday if you guys would like to attend.

Ad Manager: So, how do you attend the Pub Board meeting since you’re not 21. Isn’t it in the Pub? Editor: Pub Board is short for Publication Board.

2

Reporter: I thought we only ordered one pizza Layout Editor: We did. He just gave me four pizzas and some chicken.

3 Reporter: Yeah, you definitely don’t make a lot of money as a journalist.

Another reporter: Wait, are you serious?

4

Generated by http://www.opensky.ca/~jdhildeb/software/sudokugen/ on Fri Aug 30 23:32:20 2013 GMT. Enjoy!

Reporter: This mouse doesn’t work. Neither does this one.

Why is everything in this office broken?

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1 3

Editor: It’s the Sun Star, we’ve been through a lot.

5 Layout Editor: What rhyrmes with vagina?

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6 **when the copy editor reads between the lines in a story**

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Editor: Whoa, you figured that out? You’re like a detective copy editor!

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Puzzle 13 (Easy, difficulty rating 0.42) Generated by http://www.opensky.ca/~jdhildeb/software/sudokugen/ on Fri Aug 30 23:53:53 2013 GMT. Enjoy!

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Puzzle 14 (Hard, difficulty rating 0.65)

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