is a central feature of modern Jewish life. Its roots lie deep in Jewish consciousness. This collection of Jewish jokes draws on this rich tradition. The book is organised on a daily basis: one joke a day. The aim is to provide a daily shot in the arm to lift the spirits, to start the day off with a laugh, and to drive away any feelings of despondency or gloom.
JewishPrefacehumour
Yet surprisingly these volumes do not generally discuss the paradoxical character of Jewish humour. Looking through collections of Jewish jokes, one is struck by their offensive character. Constantly rabbis are mocked; Jewish wives humiliated; Jewish girls (called Jewish princesses) ridiculed; Jewish husbands denigrated; Jewish sons derided. Literally thousands of Jewish jokes are told which castigate Jews for their worldliness,
JewsIntroductionareknown for making jokes. They are an essential feature of modern Jewish life. Recently a number of anthologies as well as studies of Jewish humour have been published. I want to acknowledge my indebtedness to these volumes as a source of jokes in this book. A number of these books such as The Ultimate Book of Jewish Jokes by David Minkoff and Oy! The Ultimate Book of Jewish Jokes also by David Minkoff and The Big Book of Jewish Humour edited by William Novak and Moshe Waldoks are anthologies. In addition, there are several studies of Jewish jokes such as The Jewish Joke: An Essay with Examples by Devorah Baum; Let There be Laughter: Treasury of the World's Greatest Jewish Jokes and What They Mean by Michael Krasny; No Joke: Making Jewish Humour by Ruth R. Wisse; and Jewish Comedy: A Serious History by Jeremy Dauber which seek to explore the nature of Jewish humour and its significance.
Two Texans were on a plane going to New York with an old Jewish man. The first Texan says, "My name is Butch. I own 250,000 acres, and 3,000 head of cattle and they call my place 'Big Butch's Ranch'." The second Texan says, "My name is Billy. I own 350,000 acres. And I have 5,000 head of cattle. They call my place 'Big Billy's'." They both look at the little old Jewish man who says with a Yiddish accent: "My name is Benny Plotkin, and I only own 300 acres." Both men shake their heads, and Butch says: "Three hundred acres. What do you raise?" "Nothing," says Benny."Well, then, what do you call it?" asks Billy. "Downtown Dallas," says
Jewish woman on an airplane is in first class. She is seated next to an attractive younger woman. The younger woman looks at the ring on the older Jewish woman's hand and cannot help but tell her how extraordinary and beautiful it is. "I've never seen a larger or more beautiful diamond!" she exclaims. "Yes," the
How is one to account for such a paradox? Why is it acceptable for Jews to make jokes about themselves when they are so sensitive. Here are two typical examples:
stinginess, nastiness, and offensiveness. Yet, Jews are hardly ever offended by such terrible depictions as long as the persons telling the jokes are Jewish. The worse the jokes, the funnier. Jews laugh and laugh and laugh. Yet, the Jewish community is deeply offended if these jokes are told by non-Jews. Jewish leaders call in the police. They shout hate-crime. They accuse such jokesters of being deeply antisemitic.
AnPlotkin.older
A Jewish man, sitting in a delicatessen, notices a Jewish funeral. Two hearses go by with a man behind them walking a dog on a leash. A line of hundreds of men are walking behind him. Curious, the man walks toward the person walking the dog. When he reaches him, he tells him he has never seen a Jewish funeral with two hearses. The man with the dog tells him that one hearse is for his wife who yelled at him and was attacked and killed by the dog he is walking. The second hearse, he explains, is for his mother-inlaw, who was attempting to help his wife, and was also attacked and killed by the dog. The man from the deli offers his
older Jewish woman says. She then confides, "It is worth nearly as much and is almost as big as the famous Hope Diamond. But just like the Hope Diamond, it carries a curse." "A curse?" says the young woman fearfully. "What kind of curse?" "It goes back many years. It is called the Goldberg curse." "Who or what is Goldberg?" "Goldberg. He's my husband."
Reflecting on the nature of Jewish jokes in Let There Be Laughter, Michael Krasny writes: “In these pages, there is a tremendous and often hilarious range of tribal humour. The Jewish jokes, stories, and anecdotes, I hope, have brought and will continue to bring laughter. They should also bring deep appreciation for the remarkably wide-ranging genius of Jewish comedy. Like Jewish food, the jokes and humour feed memory, emotion, nostalgia, identity, community, and longing. Perhaps, as important, they can bring wisdom and meaning. The world will continue to change, often in ways that challenge, plague, and haunt us.”
This is no doubt true, but Krasny and others leave unanswered the question why Jewish humour is so insulting. Why do Jews tell terrible jokes about themselves? Here are two examples of such seemingly sick humour. The first joke is about horrible Jewish wives and mothers-in-law:
This joke is a satire of nagging wives and mothers-in-law. It suggests that there are many married Jewish men who would like to rid themselves of them. The wife yells at her husband. She is then joined by her mother. A cruel fate awaits them.
A poignant scene. A man is on his deathbed with his loving daughter by his side. It is clear he is fading fast and his death is drawing nigh. With his voice weak and barely audible, he suddenly tells his daughter he smells kugel (noodle pudding). "Yes," she says, "Mom is making kugel." "Could she," he asks his daughter, "get him a piece so, before he dies, he could have a final taste of his wife's kugel?" "Of course, Daddy," she says as she bounds over to the kitchen to fulfil her father's dying wish. In the meantime, her father is barely hanging on, and when she returns she sits down at his bedside and folds her hands but says nothing. Barely able to utter the words, he asks: "Where's the kugel?" His daughter answers, "Mom says it's for after."
If you look up Jewish jokes on the web, you will find literally hundreds of jokes ridiculing women. Here is another example:
condolences, and the two share a moment of male connectedness until the man from the deli asks if he can borrow the dog. The mourner replies: "Get in line."
As in this joke, Jewish wives are frequently portrayed in Jewish jokes as heartless. Not only do they dominate their sons and daughters, they are callous about their husbands. Here the father is terminally ill. He is on his deathbed. In his last moments he craves a kugel. His daughter is by his side and goes to ask her mother for a piece to give him. She refuses and the daughter comes back empty-handed. Apologetically she explains that her mother was saving it to give to guests after her husband’s shiva (period of mourning)..
Why do Jews do it? Why do Jews describe members of their community in such a terrible way? Are Jewish jokes a manifestation of self-hatred? What is going on? As I read hundreds of similar deprecating jokes, it struck me that there is a simple answer. Throughout our history there has been a tradition of Jewish self-criticism. In ancient Israel the prophets continually castigated fellow Jews for their waywardness. In the Northern Kingdom (Israel) prophets such as Amos and Hosea warned fellow Jews of impending disaster if they continued in their evil
passage Amos scornfully compares Israelite women to the fat cows of Bashan; they indulge themselves while the poor continue to be oppressed: “Hear this word, you cows of Bashan, who are in the mountain of Samaria, who oppress the poor, who crush the needy, who say to their husbands, ‘Bring that we may drink!’ The Lord God has sworn by his holiness that behold the days are coming upon you, when they shall take you away with hooks even the last of you with fishhooks.” (Amos 4:1-2).
Inways.this
Or again, the prophet Micah castigated the rulers of the house of Israel—they are the ones who hate good and love evil, “who tear the skin from off my people, and their flesh from off their bones; who eat the flesh of my people, who flay their skin from off them, and break their bones in pieces, and chop them up like meat in a kettle, like flesh in a caldron.” (Micah 3:2-3).
Arguably such a tradition of criticism of the Jewish people is the background to the nature of Jewish jokes satirising and criticising contemporary Jews. From ancient times Jews have accepted self-
I think you will agree that this is quite fierce, and I can’t imagine Jewish ladies would have liked it.
Morris and his wife Shelia were having dinner at an expensive restaurant in the upper East Side of New York when an attractive redhead walks by. She smiles and says: "Hello, Morris."Agitated, Shelia asks: "And just who was that girl who spoke to you?" Morris replies: "Oh her. That's my mistress." "You have a mistress? How long has this been going on?" "About five years, on and off," Morris sighs. "Five years? You bastard. I'm going to see a solicitor tomorrow and start divorce proceedings. I'll ruin you..." "Hold on Shelia," Morris says. "Think about it for a minute. If we get a divorce, you will only get half. You won't have our big house in Queens. You won't have a new Jaguar for your birthday present each year. You won't be able to play cards at the country club. You won't...." But before Morris can continue, a blonde walks past and says to him: "Hi Morris. Nice to see you here." Incensed, Shelia asks: "And just who was that, another of your mistresses?" "No that's Max's mistress." "You mean Max also has a mistress?" Shelia asks. "Of course," Morris replies. "She's been with him for ten years." "Ours is better," Shelia proudly declares.
criticism as a key feature of the Jewish heritage. Jews are able to mock themselves, but this is a privilege Jews reserve for members of the community. Outsiders are not permitted.
This is a terrible tale of deception, money and pride.The husband cheats on his wife. When she finds out, he points out how her life will be materially and socially diminished if she divorces him. And when she sees a rival to her husband's mistress, she brags that
Let me go back to Jewish jokes themselves. Here is a typical example:
her husband's mistress is better than someone else's. This is an amusingly pointed satire of corrosive attitudes and values.
Who was the person who originally told this joke? We can’t know. But no doubt it was someone who was fed up with Jewish infidelity, hypocrisy and greed. There is an edge to the joke. It is funny, but it makes us wince. The jokester is telling us that this is no way for husbands or wives to behave. He mocks this couple, and the joke stings. The prophets of ancient Israel did not tell jokes. But they shared the same contempt for immoral behaviour.
So far we have been looking at jokes about women. But men are equally the target of criticism. This is a joke about greed:
Mordecai Cohen goes to see his rabbi. He tells the rabbi that he is depressed. His father died three weeks ago. The rabbi expresses his condolences. "Did you want to talk to me about your loss?" the rabbi asks." Actually rabbi," he says, "my father left me millions." "I'm not surprised," says the rabbi. "Your father was a remarkable businessman." "I know rabbi," Mordecai continues. "But what you don't know is that the week after my father died, my uncle also died, and he too left me millions. Then just last week, my cousin died of liver cancer, and he also willed me millions of dollars." "Well," said the rabbi. "All of those losses are terrible. You have my deepest condolences. I realise how sad you must be. It's not surprising that you are feeling depressed. But all that money left to you shows how much your family members must have cared for you, and there is so much good you can do with the money." "No, rabbi," Mordecai says. "You don't understand. I'm depressed because so far this week, NOTHING."
Jewish jokes frequently satirise financial greed. Here a mourner goes to see the rabbi because he is feeling depressed. Three of his relatives have died, leaving him millions of dollars. The rabbi
On the morning of Rosh Hashanah, Meyer Goldberg rose, got dressed and was about to leave when his parrot demanded to go with him. Meyer explained that shul (synagogue) was not a place for a bird, but the parrot made a terrific argument and was carried to shul on Meyer’s shoulder. Needless to say, they were quite a sight when they arrived at the shul, and Meyer was questioned by everyone, including the rabbi and cantor, who refused to allow a bird into the building on the High Holy Days. However, Meyer convinced them to let him in this one time, swearing that the parrot could daven (pray). Wagers were made with Meyer. Thousands of dollars were bet that the parrot could NOT daven, could not speak Yiddish or Hebrew, and so on. All eyes were on the parrot during services. The parrot perched on Meyer’s shoulder as each prayer and song passed –Meyer heard not a peep from the bird. He began to become annoyed, slapping at his shoulder and mumbling under his breath, "Daven!" Nothing. "Daven … Feigelleh, please! You can daven, so daven … come on, everybody’s looking at you!" Nothing. After Rosh Hashanah services were concluded, Meyer found that he owed his shul buddies and the rabbi several thousand dollars. He marched home quite upset, saying nothing. Finally, several blocks from the shul, the bird, happy as a lark, began to sing an old Yiddish song. Meyer stopped and looked at him. "You miserable bird, you cost me over four thousand dollars. Why? After I made your tefillin, taught you the morning prayers and taught you to read Hebrew and the Torah. And after you begged me to bring you to shul on
misunderstands the situation and offers consolation for his loss. The punchline, however, reveals that what he is upset about is the fact that nobody else has died leaving him more money. Jews laugh at themselves for their materialism, but the joke is also a warning against such callousness.
And then there is the joke about a talking parrot:
And then there are jokes about hypocritical rabbis. Here is a typical example:
Rabbi Glickstein looks up sheepishly at his congregant and says, "Would you believe it. You order an apple in this restaurant, and look how they serve it."
Many similar Jewish jokes satirise rabbis. Here the rabbi sneaks away from his congregation to treat himself to a pork meal. But he is caught in the act by one of his congregants. Amusingly the joke points out the dangers of religious hypocrisy.
A dishonest parrot. A dishonest Jew. And men gambling on the holiest day of the year. All disgraceful, and you can imagine the person who first told this joke was disgusted by what he witnessed in his own community. The prophets never told such jokes. But it is a pity they didn’t.
Rabbi Glickstein has always been sad that he's never been able to eat pork. So one day he flies to a remote tropical island and books into a fancy hotel. "No one will find me here," he tells himself. On the first evening he goes to the best restaurant on the island and orders the roast pork special. While he's waiting, he hears someone call his name. He looks up and sees a member of his congregation walking towards his table. What bad luck--they both had to visit the same restaurant on the same island on the same day. Just at that moment, the waiter puts a whole roasted pig on the table with an apple in its mouth, and says, "your special, sir."
Rosh Hashanah, why? Why did you do this to me?" "Don’t be a shlemiel," the parrot replied. "You know what odds we’ll get at Yom Kippur?"
Jewish jokes often satirise Jewish attitudes toward money. Here a kindergarten class is asked who is the most important person who ever lived. A five-year old Jewish boy names Jesus even though he thinks it was Moses because he is intent on getting a ten dollar prize for the right answer. The joke amusingly cautions against dishonest business practice.
Here then is an explanation for the strange phenomenon of Jews telling jokes—often very cruel jokes—about themselves. Jews are amused. Jews love them. Many are terribly funny. But Jews can see beyond the humour. They tell us tales about our foibles, our weaknesses, our dishonesty, our materialism, our hypocrisy, our lack of reverence for sacred institutions. They mock our religious leaders, rich businessmen, callous wives, unfeeling husbands.They lack the harshness of prophetic pronouncements. But they point out how Jews should not behave. They are amusing warnings of what is wrong with Jewish life. Jews can take such criticisms wrapped up in humour. But such jokes are designed for Jewish
Even Jewish youth are not exempt from ridicule. This is a representative example:
In a kindergarten class, the teacher asks her five-year olds to name the most famous man who every lived and offers ten dollars to the child who gives the correct answer. A little Irish boy puts up his hand and says: "St Patrick." The teacher says, "I'm sorry, Sean. That's not correct." Then a little Scottish boy raises his hand and says, "St Andrew." "I'm sorry, Hamish," the teacher says, "that isn't correct either." Then a little Jewish boy raises his hand and says, "Jesus Christ." The teacher says, "That's correct, Max. Come up here and collect the ten dollars." As the teacher is giving Max the money, she says to him, "Since you are Jewish, what made you say Jesus Christ?" Max says to her, "In my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business."
Sam Greenstein was out shopping with his mother, something he didn’t like very much. But when they passed a toy store, Sam came to life. He saw a new toy in the window that he didn’t have but wanted. Sam begged, pleaded and nagged but to no avail. He got so rude that his mother firmly said, “I’m very sorry Sam, but we didn’t come out to buy you a toy.” Sam angrily said, “I’ve never met a woman as horrible as you." Holding his hand gently, she replied, "Sam, darling, one day you’ll get married and then you will –you really will, I promise you.”
Following Israel!s victory in the Six-Day War, a class of students is undergoing instruction in a famous War College in the USSR. They are discussing how a war with China might be fought with
Day 2: Jewish Soldiers
insiders. Nonetheless, we can hope that non-Jews will appreciate them too.
Day 1: Marriage
Philip, John and Max were in the clubhouse talking about the amount of control they each have over their wives. Phillip and John were doing all the talking while Max remained silent. After a while, Philip turned to Max and said, “Well what about you, Max, are Jewish men any different? What sort of control do you have over your wife?” “Well, just the other night, my wife Shelia came to me on her hands and knees.” Philip and John were amazed! “What happened then?” “Well," replied Max, “Shelia then said, ‘Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.!”
Day3: Courage
Day 4: The Himalayas
an army of only two hundred million men while the Chinese army would easily come close to a billion. The brightest student in the class asks the Soviet general how they could possibly hope to win a war against so many Chinese. The general quickly points out to the student that Israel has just won a war with only two or three million soldiers, while the Arabs had some hundred million. The student quickly responds: "Okay. But how are we going to get three million Jews?”
An elderly lady, Mrs. Glickstein, signs up for a difficult trek up the Himalayas with the New York Sierra club who are told, when they complete the journey to the top, they will meet a guru. With an effort that astonishes and amazes all members of the group and, especially, its leader, she manages to make it to the top. Once they!re all there, the leader tells the group that the guru lives in a cave, which he points to and says, "Right there at the top of the
Himalayas.” The leader informs them: "The guru receives visitors, but please be advised that you can only say three words to him. This is an extraordinary opportunity to be in the presence of the guru as well as speak any three words of your choice to this most revered and venerated mystic.” Each of the hikers goes in to meet the guru and speak whatever three words they wish to utter in his presence. This includes Mrs. Glickstein. When she emerges from the cave, the leader asks her if she saw the guru. "Yes,” she replies. "I saw him.” He then asks, "And did you say three words to him?” Mrs. Glickstein replies, "Yes. I said three words.” Curious, the leader then asks, "May I ask what those words were?” Mrs. Glickstein answers: "STANLEY, COME HOME!”
A Jewish grandmother takes her young grandson to the beach. The boy is close to the incoming waves and gets knocked down and washed out into the ocean. The Jewish grandmother, unable to swim, screams in terror that her grandchild is drowning, pleads for someone to save him, offers a reward, and prays to God for help. As if God hears her anguished cries, a young muscular lifeguard appears and dives into the water. She is still distraught, terrified that the child had been under the water too long to survive. The lifeguard brings the blue-looking little boy to shore and begins to administer mouth-to-mouth resuscitation while the grandmother continues to pray. Soon water spurts from the boy! s mouth and he is breathing. The lifeguard reassures the grandmother that her grandson is going to be okay. Whereupon the old lady nods, unclasps her hands from the prayer position, and says to the lifeguard, with a bit of an edge in her voice, "HE HAD A HAT.”
Day 5: The Sea
A Jewish mother!s daughter calls to inform her that she has fallen in love with a wonderful man and is getting married. The mother is ecstatic and eager to know all the details. However, before she can inquire about her daughter!s fiancé, the daughter informs her that he is an Episcopalian. The daughter then tells her mother that her husband-to-be is unemployed. But, the daughter exclaims that she loves him madly and intends to be his wife. To her surprise, her mother tells her that she and her fiancé are welcome to come and stay as long as they want. "Your father,” the mother says, "will sleep on the couch and the two of you can sleep in our bedroom.” Whereupon her daughter asks, "But what about you, Mother? Where will you stay?” Her mother answers: "Don!t worry about me, darling. As soon as we hang up, I intend to put my head in the oven.”
Day 6: The Fiancé
Day 7: In the Park
A Jewish grandmother is sitting alone on a park bench when a dissolute and sinister-looking, tattooed man suddenly sits down beside her. She asks where he is from, quickly adding that she sits on the bench every day and has never seen him before. He says, in a low mutter, "I just got out of prison.” "For what?” the old Jewish lady asks. "I killed my wife,” he says. In an enthusiastic, Yiddish-inflected voice, she responds, "Ohhh, you!re single!”
Rabbi Silverman goes on a vacation to a fancy hotel in Las Vegas. Just as he is unpacking, he is surprised to hear the phone ring. It is one of the temple trustees, Max Gold. "Rabbi,” says Max, "there is a surprise for you. Open your hotel room door.” Puzzled by this, the rabbi puts down the phone, opens the door, and sees, standing there in the hall, a curvaceous blonde in a bikini. Uncertain what all of this is about, he tells her to come in and have a seat. He goes back to the phone and immediately asks, "What is going on, Max?” Max answers, "A few of us on the board thought you might want some companionship on your vacation, so the blonde is our gift. Isn!t she great?” Rabbi Silverman explodes in anger. “Max! What is it with you and the others? Don!t you realise I am head of your congregation, the spiritual leader, not to mention a married man with children? How could you stoop so low to do something like this to me? I am angry. I am humiliated. I am hanging up on you.” Whereupon Rabbi Silverman slams down the phone. The blonde, having witnessed all of this, gets up and starts to walk toward the door. The rabbi shouts, "Hey! Wait! Where are you going? Nobody’s angry with you.”
Two Jewish mothers see each other walking down a street. The first gives the second an effusive mazel tov (congratulations) on the engagement of her daughter. "How did you know my daughter was engaged?” the second woman asks the first, who says, "I read the announcement in the paper. And she!s marrying a doctor!”
Day 8: The Hotel
Day 9: A Daughter
An awful Jewish man dies. He was ruthless, unkind to his employees and even to his wife and children. But despite all this, he gave money to his synagogue, though largely for show. When he dies, the rabbi of his synagogue is approached by the deceased’s younger brother, who makes an offer. If the rabbi agrees to say that his brother was a mensch (decent fellow) at the funeral service, the younger brother will donate a million dollars to the synagogue!s capital campaign. The rabbi agonises. The night before the funeral service he says to his wife, "A million dollars! Can you imagine what that would do for our building campaign? But how can I say he was a mensch? He was a schmuck (terrible person). How can I possibly, in good conscience, call him a mensch?” The next day, at the funeral service, the rabbi says: "I cannot lie before all of you here today. I don!t even understand why so many have come. The deceased was ruthless and unkind. Frankly, he was cruel and dreadful. But— compared to his brother, he was a mensch.”
“Yes,” the proud mother says. The other woman goes on, "And wasn !t this the same daughter who was married once before to a lawyer?” “Yes,” says the mother of the bride-to-be. "Yes. That marriage, unfortunately, didn!t work out.” The first woman adds, "And this is the same daughter who was married to an accountant, no?” “Yes. You!re right again,” says the mother, sighing and adding, "That, too, didn!t work out.” Whereupon the first woman enthuses, "From one daughter such naches (pride)!”
Day 10: The Funeral
Day 11: The Zoo
A middle-aged man is in synagogue on Friday night. The rabbi cannot help but notice that he looks sad and unhappy. When the service ends, the rabbi goes over to him. "You look so sad,” he says. "What!s troubling you?” The man frowns and proceeds to tell the rabbi how he has been romantically involved with a number of Jewish women, how he took each home to meet his
Day 12: The Girlfriend
A down-and-out actor named Morris, reluctantly takes a job he finds in a classified ad as an ape impersonator. It turns out that the job is at the San Francisco Zoo and has come about because of budget cuts that prohibit the zoo from buying another ape to replace one that has just died. So Morris is hired and his job is to act like a real ape inside a cage during the zoo!s open hours. Initially, he feels uncomfortable in the role and guilty about deceiving the public. But soon he begins to enjoy it and hangs each day from the bar in his cage, swinging on vines, eating bananas, and roaring and beating on his chest. He begins to draw crowds until, one day, while swinging on the vines, he loses his grip and sails over the fence into the lions! cage. Staring the lion right in the eyes, face-to-face, he recites the Shema, "Hear, O Israel. The Lord our God. The Lord is one.” The lion roars back, "Blessed be his glorious name forever and ever.” Whereupon, from a nearby cage, a panda shouts, "Will you two bums shut up? You!ll get us all fired.”
Day 14: Marrying a Jewish Girl
A surgeon, just emerging from the operating room into the waiting room, meets a husband, a close friend of his and a golfing buddy, with a somber and sorrowful face. "You know how tricky this surgery was,” the doctor says. The husband nods. "Well, we saved her. But the sad news is, she is a paraplegic for the rest of her life and will need constant care. Everything. You!ll need to change diapers and move her body around to avoid bedsores. She is going to require full-time care.” The husband looks abject. Whereupon his surgeon buddy punches him lightly on the arm and says, "I! m just kidding. She!s dead.”
Day 13: Surgery
mother, and how she disliked every one of them. The rabbi has a suggestion. With the Internet he can find someone who has interests in common with his mother. Couldn!t that make a difference? The congregant promises to follow the rabbi!s advice. However when he appears at services weeks later, the rabbi notices he looks even sadder. The rabbi goes over to him after the service ends and asks, "What happened? I thought you were going to follow my advice?” “I did,” was the answer. "I found a woman who not only had interests like my mother. She looked like my mother, spoke like her, even cooked like her.” The rabbi is puzzled. "So what was the problem?” The dejected lover says: "My father hated her.”
Day 15: Rats
Rats are running rampant all over the synagogue. Women are frightened, children are racing for cover, and the men have no notion what to do."Don!t worry,” the rabbi announces. "I!ll take care of it.” The next day the rats are gone. The people in the synagogue are amazed! Finally, an older man stands up in the middle of a service and asks, "Rabbi, how did you do it? How did you get rid of all those rats?” “Easy,” the rabbi answers. "They all had bar mitzvahs. And as everyone knows, once they’ve had a bar mitzvah, they never come back.”
A young Jewish boy, Max Goldstein, goes off to college and is told by his father to date only Jewish girls lest he fall in love and marry a shiksa, (a girl who is not Jewish). Max meets a beautiful blonde non-Jewish girl and falls in love. To his father! s disapproval and disgust, he marries the girl who converts to Judaism and becomes a devout, practicing Jew. They have children. The father calls his son one day, informs him he has purchased a new boat, and invites Max and his family for what promises to be a wonderful day of sailing. Max reminds his father that it is Shabbos and his wife, being highly observant, will not be able to join them. The father says, "I told you to marry a Jewish girl!”
Day 16: The Lottery
“My dear Morris, I am writing to tell you that I have been unable to sleep ever since I broke off our engagement. Won!t you please,
please forgive me? Not being able to hug you any more is breaking my heart. I admit that I was a fool. Nobody can take your place. I really love you. All my undying love, Sylvia xxxxxxxxxxxxx PS Mazel tov on winning the top lottery prize this week.
Day 17: An Operation
Just before Rosh Hashanah, a group of terrorists invades the synagogue and takes the rabbi, the cantor and the synagogue president hostage. Hours later, the state governor stands tough; he won't give them a million dollars, nor a getaway car nor a jumbo jet. The terrorists gather the three hostages in a corner and inform them that things look bad and they're going to have to shoot them. Nevertheless, to show that they're not really a bad bunch, they'll grant each hostage one wish. "Please," says the rabbi, "for the last two months I've been working on my Rosh Hashanah sermon. What a waste to die now without having
Day 18: Terrorists
Two Jewish boys are in a hospital each lying on a stretcher next to each other outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "what are you in here for?” The second kid says, "I’m getting my tonsils out. I’m a little nervous.” The first kid says, "You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep and when you wake up, they give you lots of jello and ice cream. It’s a breeze.” The second kid then asked, "What are you in here for?” The first kids says, " a circumcision.”The second kid replies, "Good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born and I couldn’t walk for a year.”
A Jew, a Frenchman, and a Russian are stranded on an island with sharks swimming all around and no other land in sight. Nor is there any food to eat or water to drink. After days pass, the agitated Frenchman howls at their fate. The Russian joins him with shouts of despair. The Jew? He tells the other two he has no worries. He is absolutely certain he will be found. "How can you be sure?” asks the Frenchman. "Yes,” echoes the Russian. "How can you say that?” The Jew says: "I made a pledge to the United Jewish Appeal. They!ll find me.”
delivered it before an audience. I'll go happily if you let me recite my sermon. It's two and a half hours long, tops." The terrorists promise to grant the wish. "Please," says the cantor, "after 50 years I've finally gotten the Hinneni prayer just right. What a waste to die and not sing it to an audience. It's only about 45 minutes long, then I'll go happily." The terrorists promise to grant the cantor his wish, too, and they turn to the president. "Please," says the president with tears in his eyes. "Shoot me first!"
Day 19: Fund Raising
Day 20: Poison
Abe goes to see his rabbi."Rabbi,” he says, ‘something terrible is happening. I’ve got to talk to you about it." The rabbi asks, "What's wrong, Abe?" Abe says, "My wife is poisoning me." The rabbi is astonished and asks, "How can that be?" “I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?" The rabbi says, "Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know." A week later the rabbi calls Abe and says, "Well, I
Day 21: War
spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?" Abe anxiously says, "Yes." "Take the poison," says the rabbi.
Israel's economy was in a bad way. Inflation was getting higher. Immigrants were flooding in from all over the world. Problems, problems, problems. So the Knesset held a special session to come up with a solution. After several hours of talk without progress, one member, Moshe, stands up and says "Quiet everyone, I've got it, I've got the solution to all our problems. We'll declare war on the United States." Everyone starts shouting at once. "You're nuts! That's crazy!" "Hear me out!" says Moshe. "We declare war. We lose. The United States does what she always does when she defeats a country. She rebuilds everything; our highways, airports, shipping ports, schools, hospitals, factories, and loans us money, and sends us food aid. Our problems would be over.” "Sure," says another minister, "that's if we lose. But what if we win?"
Morris Schwartz and Felix Goldstein go see the rabbi. They present to him their individual versions of a money dispute. As they relate their conflicting narratives, the rabbi!s wife stands nearby, within earshot. When Morris finishes telling his side of the story, the rabbi exclaims, "You!re right!” But then, after Felix concludes his side, the rabbi also exclaims, "You!re right!” On hearing all this, the rabbi!s wife speaks up and says, "How can
Day 22: A Disagreement
Little Melvin tells his grandfather Max Steinberg, about the great scientist Albert Einstein and his theory of relativity. “Oh, yes?” says his grandfather. “And what does this theory have to say?” “Our teacher says that only a few people in the whole world can really understand it,” he explains. “But then she told us what it means. Relativity is like this: If a man sits for an hour with a pretty girl, it feels like a minute. But if he sits on a hot stove for a minute, it feels like an hour. And that’s the theory of relativity.” Max is silent and slowly shakes his head. “Melvin,” he says, “from this your Einstein makes a living?”
they both be right? They are in total disagreement.” The rabbi turns to his wife and says, "You!re right!”
Day 23: Relativity
Day 24: Children
Little Mickey and Becky are only ten years old and think they are in love. So they decide to get married. Mickey bravely goes to Becky’s father and says, "Mr Levy, me and Becky are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage." Keeping a serious face, Mr Levy replies, "Well Mickey, you are ten, I believe. Where will you both live?" Mickey replies, "In Becky’s room. It’s bigger than mine so we can both fit nicely." Still trying not to smile, Mr Levy says, "OK then, where will you get enough money to support Becky? You’re not old enough to get a job." Mickey replies, "Becky gets $8 a week pocket money and I get $7.50 a week pocket money. That’s over $65 a month and that should be
Max Goldberg invited his mother Selma over for dinner. During the course of the meal, she couldn't help noticing how beautiful Max’s roommate, Judy, was. Selma had long been suspicious of a relationship between Max and Judy, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two react, Selma wondered if there was more between her son and Judy than met the eye. Reading his mother’s thoughts, Max said, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Judy and I are just friends.” A week later Judy said to Max, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Max replied "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: “Dear Mother, I'm not saying that you did take the gravy ladle. I'm not saying that you did not take it. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.” Several days later, Max received a letter from his mother, which read: "Dear Max, I'm not saying that you do sleep with Judy, and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with Judy. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mother”
enough." Mr Levy is surprised that Mickey has put so much thinking into the marriage, so he tries to come up with something that Mickey won’t be able to answer. He says, "Well Mickey, it seems like you’ve got everything worked out. I have just one more question for you. What will you do if you should have little ones of your own?" Mickey shrugs his shoulders and replies, "Well, we’ve been lucky so far."
Day 25: A Visit
Day 27: The Devil
Day 28: False Teeth
A Russian Jewish immigrant, Moses Plotnik, is at Ellis Island entering the United States. He has among his belongings four sets of false teeth. They are all made of gold and are being examined by an immigration officer. The officer informs him that he cannot
One Shabbos morning during prayers there was large boom and a sudden flash of smoke appeared in the front of the synagogue. When the smoke cleared the astonished congregation saw a frightening figure in red, complete with horns, pitchfork wearing a tallis and yarmulka. Immediately the congregation panicked. People rushed to the back trying to get away. The devil watched with great amusement, but his mood changed when the saw Sidney Hirschman relaxing in the third row. Angrily the devil thundered: ‘Don’t you know who I am?” Sidney said, “sure I do.” The devil was flummoxed. ‘Don’t you fear me? “Nope,” said Sidney. “Why not?” “ Because, I’ve been married to your sister for 35 years.”
Day 26: Honeymoon
Felix and Julia just got married. On their way to their honeymoon, Felix says to his new wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn!t left me a fortune?" She replies, "Darling, I would have married you no matter who had left you a fortune."
After a waiter sets the bowl down on the table, Boris Greenbaum asks him to try the soup, and the waiter says, "Is it too hot?” Boris says, "No, just try the soup.” The waiter says, "Is it too cold?” Again, Boris says no and repeats himself, "Just try the soup, please.” The waiter then asks, "Does it need more seasoning?”
Day 29: A Blind Man
A Jew is sitting on a park bench eating matzo. He sees a blind man on a bench across from him. Out of kindness and concern, he goes over to the blind man and, assuming the man is hungry, hands him a piece of his matzo. The blind man slowly touches the matzo all along its surface, even its ridges, and then exclaims, "You read this shit?”
bring in all the gold. There is too much. Whereupon Plotnik tells the officer in English that he is Orthodox and needs all four sets for dietary purposes. The immigration officer looks skeptical. "I know some things about Jews and kosher food. Why would you need four sets of gold teeth?” Plotnik responds, "I am very Orthodox. Extremely pious. I use one set for milk products and one for meat and a third for breaking the fast on Yom Kippur, the holiest of all days on the Jewish calendar.” “I see,” says the immigration officer, now looking less skeptical. "You are obviously very religious. But you only mentioned three religious occasions. What is the fourth?” “Oh,” Plotnik says, "that!s for when I want a ham sandwich.”
Day 30: The Waiter
Boris shakes his head and says once more, "No, no, just try my soup.” The waiter finally agrees and says, "Where!s the spoon?” Boris says, "Aha!”
Day 31: The Firing Squad
Two men are arguing over how to pronounce the name of America!s fiftieth state. One man says it! s "Hawaii,” the other says "Havaii.” They argue. They make a wager. Then they see a longbearded Jew, and one of the men points to him and says to the other, "Let!s have him decide.” They agree that the bet will be settled by the old guy and they put the question to him. Hawaii or Havaii? The old man stares off contemplatively into the distance, tugs at his beard, and then quickly pronounces, "Havaii.” The winner of the bet is ecstatic. He says, "Thank you!” The old man responds: "You!re velcome.”
Day 33: Wifely Duties
Two Jews standing in front of a firing squad are asked if they have a last wish. One says to the other, "How about if I ask for a cigarette?” The Jew next to him says, "Shush. Do you want to get us in trouble?”
Day 32: A Question
Shirley Goldman is beyond consolation over the death of her husband, Freddy. After months of grief, and in desperation, she
Max had a fight with Sylvia his wife. He went to the cinema to cool off. Later that evening, he decided to phone home to see what the situation was. Maybe even apologise. "Hello, darling," he says, "what are you making for dinner?" "What am I making, you bastard? Poison, that!s what I!m making." "Look," he says, "just make one portion. I!m not coming home."
Day 35: The Medium
Mimi and Rachel were sitting under hair dryers at the hairdresser having a chat. Mimi says, “So, Rachel, how!s that daughter of yours?” Rachel replies, “She!s OK, thanks. She married a fantastic man. He!s got such a good job in New York that she gave up her secretary!s job. She stays at home but never needs to cook, because he always takes her out; or clean the house, because he got her a maid; or worry about my two lovely grandchildren, because he got her a live-in nanny.” Rachel then asks, “And how! s your son?” Mimi replies, “His life is awful. He married a bitch from hell. She never cooks anything and makes him take her out to dinner every night. God forbid she should vacuum a carpet, so she made him get her a maid. He has to work like a dog because she refuses to get a job and she never takes care of my grandson because she made him get her a nanny.”
Day 34: A Quarrel
Day 36: Second Biggest Schmuck
A wife is furious with her husband and finally, after many years of a tumultuous and discord-filled marriage, she explodes, telling him she is leaving him and calling him a schmuck (obnoxious person). "You were a schmuck when we first met and you!ve been a schmuck to me our entire married life. You are the second-biggest schmuck on the planet!” The husband asks, "If I am such a
goes to see a medium, who assures her that she can make contact with her late husband. Shirley wants to believe the medium, but after a good deal of the medium!s attempts to summon Freddy’s spirit, nothing happens. That is, until the medium begins to speak in a voice like Freddy’s and calls Shirley by pet names no one outside their marriage could possibly know. Shirley is thrilled and excited, nearly beside herself, certain she is actually communicating with her dead husband. "Freddy!” she shouts, as if she needs to be more audible to be heard. "What is it like for you on the other side? Tell me!” Freddy, through the medium, tells her that each day is like the one before. He wakes up, eats, has sex, and then goes to sleep. Then he eats again and has sex again and goes to sleep again, all repeated many times each day for seven days a week. "It!s great,” says Freddy through the medium. "It sounds great,” Shirley says. "I am so happy you are happy in heaven, even if you are having sex with other women.” Freddy’s voice comes once more out of the medium and he says, "Heaven? Other women? Who said anything about heaven or other women? I’m in New Jersey. I!m a rabbit.”
Melvin Gardenschwartz is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a lady with very large breasts. He says to her, "Hey, miss. Would you let me kiss your breasts for $100?” “Are you
David Goldstein, now in his 80s, was driving home from downtown when his mobile phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife!s voice urgently warning him, "David, I just heard on the news that there!s a car going the wrong way down the highway. So please be careful." "Hell," said David, "It!s not just one-–there are dozens of them!"
Day 38: A Bear
Day 37: Old Geezer
schmuck, why am I only the second-biggest schmuck?” His wife screams at him, "Because you!re never top in anything.”
A bear goes into a cave and has a schlemiel (stupid fellow) cornered in it. The schlemiel cannot escape and begins to recite the Shema, the traditional Hebrew prayer praising God. Suddenly he realises that the bear is reciting the Shema along with him, and he realises that the bear, incredibly enough, must be Jewish. Then he hears the bear, in a deep bear voice, utter the prayer before eating: "Ha motzi lechem min ha’aretz."
Day 39: Breasts
Day 40: The Tailor
nuts?!” she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block, and gets to the corner before she does.
Day 41: A Parrot
A man brings some very fine material to a tailor and asks him to make a pair of trousers. When he comes back a week later, the trousers are not ready. Two weeks later, they are still not ready. Finally, after six weeks, the trousers are ready. The man tries them on. They fit perfectly. Nonetheless, when it comes time to pay, he can !t resist a jibe at the tailor. "You know," he says, "it took God only six days to make the world. And it took you six weeks to make just one pair of trousers." "Ah," the tailor says. "But look at this pair of trousers, and look at the world…"
"Would you let me kiss your breasts for $ 1,000?” he asks again. "Listen, you; I!m not that kind of woman! Got it?” So the little old Jewish man runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would you let me kiss your breasts—just once—for $10,000?” She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmm, $ 10,000 . . . Okay, just once, but not here. Let!s go to that alley over there.” So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal her enormous breasts. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them, fondling them slowly, and buries his face in them. The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna kiss them or not?” “Nah,” says the little old Jewish man. "Costs too much!”
Day 43: Business
Maxine goes to buy a parrot. The shopkeeper says: “These two parrots are $300 each; this one’s $30.” Maxine says: “What’s wrong with the $30 parrot? Is he ill?” The shopkeeper says: “Nothing’s wrong, but it’s been living in a brothel.” Maxine says: “Brothel, shmothel: I’ll have the $30 parrot, and save $270.” She takes the parrot home to her house in Queens. The parrot says: “Oy vey! Another brothel.” Maxine’s two daughters return from shopping. The parrot says: “Oy vey! Two more hookers.” Then Maxine’s husband, Boris, comes in from work. The parrot shouts: “Oy vey, Boris! Haven’t seen you for two weeks.”
Day 42: The Chair
Manny Cohen was a very likeable person and quick witted. He was now a financial director in London. One day his wife Sarah was shopping close by his office, and decided to pay him a surprise visit. But when she got there and opened his door, she was shocked to find him sitting at his desk with his secretary on his lap. Manny looked up at her and without hesitating dictated: “And in conclusion, gentlemen, whether we have budget cuts or not, there is absolutely no way I can continue to run my office effectively with just one desk and chair.”
A businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. “I love my daughter very much, and now I welcome you into the family,” he said. “To show you how much we care for you, I am making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations.” The son-in-law moaned, “I hate factories. I can’t stand the noise.” “I see,” replied the father-in-law. “Well, then you’ll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations.” “I hate office work,” said
Day 45: The Priest
Stanley Weissbaum, an elderly gentleman, was sitting on a bench in Central Park in New York when a priest sat down next to him. Because he had never had a chance to talk to a priest before, he asked in a Yiddish accent, "Excuse me, but vhy do you hev your shoyt collar on beckvurds?" The priest replied, "I wear this collar because I am a Father." Stanley said, "I am also a fadder but I vare my collar frontvays. So, vhy do you vare your collar differently?" The priest replied, "Because I’m the Father for many." "I am also the fadder for many," said Stanley. "I have five sons, three daughters and many grandchildren, but I still vare my
A number of men who die enter heaven and are told to line up on the right if they did everything their wives told them to do and on the left if they didn’t. A Jewish husband dies, enters heaven, and is given the same instructions. He sees a long line of men on the right and a single man on the left. He cannot contain his curiosity. Walking up to the man on the left, who is wearing a yarmulke, he asks, "How come all of the men here are in line on the right and you alone are on the left?” The man with the yarmulke answers: "I don’t know. My wife told me to stand here.”
Day 44: Obedience
the son-in-law. “I can’t stand being stuck behind a desk all day.” “Wait a minute,” said the father-in-law. “I just made you a halfowner of a moneymaking organisation, but you don’t like factories and you won’t work in an office. What am I going to do with you?” “Easy,” said the young man. “Buy me out.”
Day 47: Jewishness
It was a terrible night, cold and raining in a most frightful manner. The streets were deserted and the local baker was just about to close up shop when Saul Schwartz slipped through the door. He carried an umbrella, blown inside out, and was bundled in two sweaters and a thick coat. But even then he was wet and bedraggled. As Saul unwound his scarf he said to the baker, "May I have two bagels to go, please?" The baker said in astonishment, "Two bagels? Nothing more?" "That's right," answered Saul, "One for me and one for Ruthie." "Ruthie is your wife?" asked the baker. "What do you think," snapped Saul, "my mother would send me out on a night like this?"
Day 46: Bagels
An old lady on a plane gets up from her seat and asks a male passenger in a seat farther up in the plane if he is Jewish. "No, ma !am,” he responds, and she goes back to her seat, only to return a few minutes later and ask the same stranger again if he is Jewish. Once more, he tells her he is not and she returns to her seat. When she gets up a third time and asks him, he shrugs his shoulders in frustration, looks to those seated next to him as if to
collar like normal. So vhy do you vare it yore vay?" The priest was getting a bit fed up with this questioning and replied, "Because I am the Father for over two thousand people." Stanley was silent for a while. Then, as he got up to leave, he said to the priest, "Mister, maybe you should vare your pents beckvurds instead."
Miriam Fedman’s husband died. It was not until sometime after that she was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been. "Sidney thought of everything," she told some friends. "Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside and handed me 3 envelopes. ‘Miriam,’ he said, ‘I have put all my last wishes in these 3 envelopes. After I am gone, open them in sequence and do exactly as I have written. Only then can I rest in peace’." "What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked. "The 1st contained £5,000 with a note, ‘Please use this money to buy me a nice coffin’. So I bought a beautiful mahogany coffin. The 2nd envelope contained £10,000 with a note, ‘Please use this for a nice funeral’. I made Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favourite foods for the shiva,
Five old men--a Russian, a German, a Frenchman, a Mexican, and a Jew from the Bronx-- go on a mountain climbing holiday in the Alps. The Russian says, "I!m tired and I!m thirsty. I must have vodka,” while the German says, "I!m tired and I!m thirsty. I must have beer,” and the Frenchman says, "I!m tired and I!m thirsty. I must have wine.” The Mexican says, "I!m tired and I!m thirsty. I must have tequila.” The Jew says, "I!m tired and I!m thirsty. I must have diabetes.”
Day 49 A Widow
say "what the hell,” and says to her, "Yes. Yes, I am.” The old lady says: "Funny. You don!t look Jewish.”
Day 48: Mountain Climbing
Day 50: Four Letter Words
Day 51: The Obituary
Max Fox and Sarah got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back Sarah immediately telephoned her mother, Ruth."Well," said Ruth, "how was the honeymoon, darling?" "Oh mum," Sarah replied, "the honeymoon was fantastic. It was so romantic, and ..and..." Then Sarah started to cry. "Oh mum, as soon as we got back, Max started using terrible language. He said things I'd never hoped to hear, all those 4-letter words. Please mum, get into your car now and come and take me home." "Calm down, darling," said Ruth, "tell your mother what could be that awful. Don't be shy, tell me what 4-letter words Max used." "Please mum, I'm too embarrassed to tell you, they're terrible words. Just come and take me away," said Sarah. "But bubeleh, you must tell me, you must tell me what the 4-letter words were." Still crying, Sarah replied, "Oh mum, he used words like WASH, COOK, IRON, DUST..."
including some fine malt whisky." "And the 3rd envelope?" asked her friends. "The 3rd envelope contained £25,000 with a note, ‘Please use this to buy a nice stone’. So I did." Miriam then held up her hand and pointed to her diamond ring. "So," said Miriam, "You like it?"
Melvin Rubenstein wants to buy a parrot and goes to his local pet shop to see what they have. The assistant shows him a parrot and explains that this one is really special. It can speak most languages. So Melvin decides to test this out. "Do you speak English?" he asks, “Yes," replies the parrot. "Hable espanol?" asks Melvin. "Si," replies the parrot. "Parlez-vous francais?" asks Melvin. "Oui," replies the parrot. "Sprechen sie Deutch?" asks Melvin. " "Ja," says the parrot. Melvin pauses for a moment, then
Day 53: Speaking Parrot
Day 52: The Supermarket
After a long illness, Harold Goldberg died aged 92. His wife phoned the local Jewish newspaper, and asked if she could put in an announcement about her husband's death. “There is a charge for this,” the editor said. "How much?” Mrs. Goldberg asked. “Well, the cheapest is £100 for five words.” There was a pause. Eventually Mrs. Goldberg said: “What about ‘Goldberg is dead.’ Is there a discount?” “Sorry" said the editor, “the price is the same whether it's two or five words.” Mrs. Goldberg went silent. “OK,” she finally said, “what about: ‘Goldberg dead. Volvo for sale’?”
Solomon Fink goes up to a beautiful woman he sees in a supermarket and says to her, "I’ve lost my wife in here and I would be very happy if you could find some time to talk to me for a few minutes." She asks, "Why on earth do you want me to do that?” Solomon replies, "Because every time I talk to a gorgeous woman, my wife always appears out of nowhere."
asks the parrot: "Do you speak Yiddish?" The parrot shrugs its shoulders and says, "Vis a nose like dis, vot you tink?"
Day 54: The Elevator
Day 55: Dogs
Charlie Finkel and Arnold Rose are walking their dogs past the synagogue one Saturday morning. Charlie says, "Let's go in. I hear they have really nice chopped liver at the Kiddish on Shabbos." Arnold says, "They will never let us in with the dogs." "Just follow my lead," says Charlie and goes into the synagogue. The shammes (synagogue sexton) tells him , "No dogs allowed." Charlie says, "But it's my seeing-eye dog." The shammes says, "Sorry, I didn't know. OK, you can go in." Arnold follows. Again the shammes says, "Sorry, no dogs allowed." Arnold says, "It's my seeing-eye dog." The shammes says, "This is your seeing-eye dog?
As the doors shut and the crowded lift made its way down to the ground floor, Rose Weinberg got very angry with her husband Melvin. She noticed that he was wedged up against a tall, blonde buxom woman and had a smile on his face that said he was delighted to be in that position. As the lift reached the ground floor and the doors were about to open, the girl suddenly slapped Melvin’s face and said aloud, "I’m not that kind of girl. That will teach you not to pinch my bottom!" Rose and Melvin didn’t say a word as they made their way to the car park. When they got in the car, Melvin turned to Rose and said, "You know, darling, I really didn’t pinch that girl." "Of course you didn’t," Rose said. "I did."
Day 57: The Future Son-in-Law
Day 56: A Martian
A Jewish mother’s daughter calls to inform her that she has fallen in love with a wonderful man and is getting married. The mother is ecstatic and eager to know all the details. However, before she can inquire about her daughter’s fiancé, the daughter informs her that he is an Afro-American. The daughter then tells her mother that her husband-to-be is unemployed. But, the daughter exclaims, she loves him madly and intends to be his wife. To her surprise,
A chihuahua!" Arnold looks startled and says: "Is that what they gave me?"
A creature with green skin towers over all the other shoppers at Bloomingdale’s in New York and is covered with fancy jewellery. An elegant Jewish woman, Sadie Finkel, walks up to him and in disbelief asks how tall he is and how come his skin is so green and how much jewellery he is wearing, and where he is from. He responds, in perfect English, "I am from Mars.” Sadie sighs and says, "Ah. that explains your green skin.” She goes on staring at him and she asks, "How tall are you?” Again, in perfect English he answers, "I am eight feet two inches tall.” Sadie asks if all Martians have green skin and are as tall as he is, and he says, "Yes. We all have green skin and are all within a few inches of each other in height.” “And do all of you wear so much jewellery?” Sadie asks. The Martian responds: "Not the goyim (non-Jews).”
her mother tells her that she and her fiancé are welcome to come and stay as long as they want. "Your father,” the mother says, "will sleep on the couch and the two of you can sleep in our bedroom.” Hesitant, her daughter asks, "But what about you, Mother? Where will you stay?” Her mother answers: "Don’t worry about me, darling. As soon as we hang up, I intend to put my head in the oven.”
An astronomer concluded his lecture at the Reform synagogue in Chicago. “And some of my colleagues,” he said, “believe that our own sun will probably die out within four or five billion years.” “How many years did you say?” asked Mrs. Finkelstein from the back of the room. “Four or five billion,” replied the astronomer. “That’s a relief,” said Mrs. Finkelstein. “I though you said ‘million’.”
George Ginsburg was in awe of his friend Stanley Borowitz. Stanley could get any woman he wanted – and he did. “Teach me how you do it,” George asked. “It’s easy,’ said Stanley, “the trick with attracting Jewish women is that you have to show them you care about three things: food, family and philosophy. Food, because that means you care about their physical well-being. Family, because that means your intentions are serious. Philosophy, because that means you respect their intelligence.”
Day 58: Astronomy
Day 59:
Melvin Gardenschwartz and his wife Sadie tried for years to become members of an all-WASP country club that will not accept Jews as members. Finally, they gain membership because Melvin agrees to donate two million dollars to a capital campaign, which will result in a new building for the club. Now that they have joined, Sadie is thrilled to go to the club and dresses up to make a grand entrance to the monthly dinner for all club members. She appears in a full-length mink coat wearing expensive jewellery. Upon entering, she sees modestly and underdressed women wearing the most tasteful jewellery. She immediately perceives how unsuitable she looks compared to these gentile women and cannot suppress the single word that escapes her mouth. Loudly
Day 60: The Lucky Man
A young Jewish woman goes to see a rabbinic sage. She tells him that two Jewish men—Morris Goldstein and Melvin Fineberg— are in love with her. Then she asks the rabbi, "Who will be the lucky man? Who will marry me?” The rabbi strokes his beard and ponders, then answers, "Morris will marry you. Melvin will be the lucky man.”
George took his advice and phoned Shirley Finestein.“Tell me,” he opened, “do you like to eat kugel (baked noodle pudding)?” “I can’t stand kugel,” she replied. “Does your brother eat kugel?” he tried again. “I don’t have a brother.” “I see,” George pressed on, “But tell me, if you did have a brother, do you think he would like kugel?”
Day 61: The Country Club
Abraham Bartok and Moses Grunbaum are strolling down the street one day in the Pale of Settlement, when they happen to walk past a church. Above the door of the church they see a big sign that says “Convert and Get Ten Rubles.”Abraham stops, stares at the sign and turns to his friend: “Moses, I!m thinking of doing it.”
Day 63: Money
Day 62: The Mink Coat
A black woman tries on mink coat after mink coat, each coat being more expensive than the one before. Finally, she is told by the saleslady waiting on her that she will be shown the most expensive and sought-after mink in the store. A full-length coat together with a selection of jewellery, is brought to her by one of the sales assistants and she tries it on and examines herself in a large mirror. She poses repeatedly, walking back and forth in front of the mirror, studying her reflection. The saleslady comes up, compliments her, and reminds her that this particular coat is the most expensive one in the store, and adds that it is likely one of the most costly minks in all of the United States, possibly even the world. The black woman looks again at her image in the mirror, pauses, then asks: "I don!t know. Do you think it makes me look too Jewish?”
and audible to all around her she exclaims: "GEVALT,” a Yiddish word that is an exclamation of shock. She looks swiftly around at the placid and aloof and modestly dressed WASP women and says, "Vatever dat means.”
Day 64: Goyim
Day 65: Disaster
Day 66: Condolences
With that, he strides purposefully into the church. Twenty minutes later he comes out with his head bowed. “So”, asks Moses, “did you get your ten rubles?” Abraham looks at him contemptuously: “Is that all you people think about?”
Question: Why did God make the goyim? Answer: Somebody has to buy retail.
Saul Bernstein and his friend Max Fink met one day for lunch in the garment district of New York. It was hard to tell which of them was more depressed. Bernstein began: “Life is treating me badly,” he said. “June was a disaster. Never in my entire career have I seen a June like the one I had. I felt miserable—until July. July made June look good. I didn’t make a single sale all month! You had to see it to believe it. In fact—“ “Just a minute, said Fink. “You think you’ve got problems? Listen to this. My wife has cancer. My brother is getting divorced. And my son, my only son, came to tell me yesterday that he was getting married to somebody named Harold. You understand. He wants to marry a boy! My son is a fairy. Now, I ask you, what can be worse that that!” I’lll tell you,” said Bernstein. “August.”
Day 67: An Invoice
Sydney Gold goes to see his rabbi. He begins by reminding the rabbi that his father died just three weeks before. The rabbi says, "I know. Your father was a wonderful man. Everyone loved and appreciated him. I was at his shiva.” “I know, rabbi,” the man says. "Thank you for coming.” “Of course,” says the rabbi. "Did you need to talk to me about your loss?” “Well, rabbi, I need to tell you that my father left me millions.” “I know,” said the rabbi. "He was a remarkably good and successful businessman and he wanted you and your family to be well provided for.” “I know, rabbi. But what you don’t know is that the week after my father died, my maternal uncle passed away and he, too, left me millions. Then, just last week, my first cousin Bernie died of liver cancer and he also willed me millions of dollars.” “Well,” says the rabbi, "all of those losses are terrible. You have my deepest condolences. I know how sad you must be. You are obviously understandably depressed. But all that money left to you shows how much your family members loved you and there is so much good you can do with the money.” “No, rabbi. You don’t understand. I’m depressed because, so far this week, NOTHING!”
Adam Goldberg is a fifty-year-old single Jewish guy who owns a successful gift shop in Brooklyn. He is very rich. One day he gets confused about how to pay an invoice. So he asks Shirley his secretary to come into his office. Adam sits her down next to him and says, "Shirley, if I were to give you $22,000 minus 17.5%, how much would you take off?" Shirley pauses, looks him up and down and replies: "Everything but my jewellery."
Harold : “There is a special exhibit I want to see at the Museum of Modern Art.” Marilyn: “Exhibit of what?” Harold: “Of Monet. I know all about Monet.” Sarah (in mild disbelief): “You do? You know all about Monet?“ Harold: (extracting a fat wad of bills from his pants pocket and flipping through them). “Yeah. Monet! Monet!”
Day 70: Holidays
Day 69: Yom Kippur
All Jewish holidays can be described in nine words: “THEY TRIED TO KILL US. WE WON. LET!S EAT.”
Day 68: Art
It is Yom Kippur, the holiest and most sacred day in the Jewish calendar. The synagogue is full. A Jewish man tries to enter the sanctuary but is told by the shammes (synagogue sexton) that it is forbidden to enter without a ticket. The man pleads with the shammes that it is vital for him to speak to his business associate Morris Goldberg. The shammes shakes his head. "I!m sorry,” he says. "I cannot let you in without a ticket.” The man says, "I just need twenty seconds. No more. I have to tell Goldberg something vital. It can’t wait. Please let me in. It will be a mitzvah if you do. I promise I will be in there for only twenty seconds, not a second more.” “Okay,” says the shammes. "But you have to also promise me you won !t pray
Day 72: Sleep
Day 71: The Frog
The new rabbi was in the middle of a sermon when he suddenly beckoned to the shammes (synagogue sexton) to come over. The rabbi said to him, "That man in the third row is asleep. Wake him up." The shammes replied: "You put him to sleep. You wake him up."
Stanley Gardenschwartz, 73 years old, was taking a walk when he saw a frog in the gutter. He was shocked when the frog began to speak. Ther frog said: “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess. I’ll be yours forever and we can made passionate love every night.” Stanley bent down, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog said, “Hey, I don’t think you heard me. I said if you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess and we can make passionate love every night.” Sidney took the frog out of his pocket and said, “I heard you. But at my age I’d rather have a talking frog.”
Day 73: Stock Market
Day 74: The Vatican
When John Paul, the Polish Pope, was pontiff, he called in a fellow Pole to get an estimate on a job to decorate a room in the Vatican. After measuring the room, the Polish decorator said he’d do the job for $3,000. The Pope asked for a breakdown of the estimate and the Polish decorator told him, "One thousand for labor. One thousand for materials. And one thousand for me.” The Pope said he’d need to get additional estimates. He then brought in an Italian decorator, who went through the same measuring and assessing and said he’d do the job for $6,000. The pontiff asked the Italian decorator for a breakdown of the costs and the Italian decorator said, "Two thousand for labor. Two thousand for materials. And two thousand for me.” Finally, the Pope brought in a Jewish decorator, who said to him, "I’ll do the job for $9,000.”
On day Sammy Fink asks his father Mortimer a question: “Dad what is the stock market?” “Sammy,” his father says, “you’re too young to understand.” “I am not that young,” replies Sammy. “Please wait a few years,” his father says. “Dad, I don’t want to start life poor like you did. That’s why I want to know.” “Ok,” says his father. “It’s like this. You buy two chickens and the two chickens lay eggs. So, next year, you have thirty chickens. These thirty chickens then all lay eggs, and these eggs turn into chickens. So you end up having thousands of chickens. And you are well off. This is the stock market. Do you understand?” “Yes, Dad,” replies Sammy. “And then, one day it rains. It rains like the days of Noah. The floods come and drown all the chickens. And then you realise you should have bought ducks.”
The Pope asked the Jewish decorator for the cost breakdown and the Jewish decorator said, "Three thousand for you, three thousand for me, and three thousand for the Polish decorator.”
Day 76: Bedtime
Max and Freda go to bed and one hour later, Freda is still awake. She is having great difficulty getting to sleep. So she decides to do what has worked before. She nudges Max and says to him in a soft voice. "Max, turn over." Max replies: "$75,234.24.”
Day 77: Housework
Day 75: Beggars
A Jew and a Catholic are in Mexico City soliciting charitable contributions from passersby. They stand apart by about 30 feet and each holds out to those walking by a small collection box for donations. The Catholic has a crucifix above his collection barrel, the Jew a Star of David painted on the wall behind him. A nicely dressed American goes up to the Jew and says to him, "It!s none of my business, but as you can see, the fellow with the crucifix is getting all the money put in his box while you are getting none. Is it any wonder? Mexico is a Catholic country. Perhaps you should consider a better place.” The Jew gives the man a blank stare and then shouts down to the man with the crucifix: "Hey, Max, this guy is telling us how we should do our business!”
Day 78: A Date
Day 79: Factory
Alan Goldman goes to see his boss and says: "We're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow for Passover, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff." "Look, Alan," his boss replies, "we're shorthanded. I just can't give you the day off." "Thanks, boss," says Alan. "I knew I could count on you..."
Sam Greenbaum goes to the Museum of Modern Art in New York to try to pick up a girl. Standing in front of a Jackson Pollock painting is a buxom blonde. "What does it say to you?" he asks. "It conveys the emptiness of existence," she says. "Nothingness. It expresses the predicament of human life in a barren, Godless universe. There is nothing but waste everywhere. Horror and degradation. A useless absurd cosmos." Sam says: "Are you doing anything Saturday night?" "Committing suicide," answers the girl." "What about Friday night?" asks Sam.
Rabbi Arthur Frankel took a job at a Duracell factory. His job was to stand on the production line and as the batteries went by and say: "I wish you a long life."
Day 80: In Hospital
Max Gold was brought to hospital and taken quickly in for surgery. The operation went well and as Max regained consciousness, he was reassured by the doctor who was waiting by his bed. "You're going to be just fine, Mr Gold," the doctor said. The doctor was joined by a nurse who said, "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?" Mr Gold said, "No, I'm not.” "Then can you pay in cash?" the nurse persisted. "I'm afraid I cannot." "Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nurse questioned sternly. "Just my sister in New York," he volunteered. "But she converted to.. she's a nun... in fact a real spinster." "Oh, I must correct you, Mr Gold. Nuns are not spinsters—they are married to God." "Wonderful, wonderful," said Max. "In that case, please send my bill to my brother-in-law."
Day 81: The Lawyer
Curious about Max Goldstein’ s great success, other attorneys paid a private eye to have him followed. The private eye carefully follows Goldstein as he drives to a community about 50 miles away. Upon arrival, he goes to the town post office, walks in and purchases stamps. He then begins placing them on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. The curiosity of the private eye is getting the better of him. He goes up to Goldstein and asks, “What are you doing?” Max responds, “I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed ‘Guess Who?’” “But why?” asks the private eye. “I’m a divorce lawyer,” replies Max.
Day 82: A Brothel
Day 83: Doctor's Appointment
At her daughter's urging, Mrs. Mankowicz agrees to visit a gynaecologist for the first time in her seventy-five years. After taking her medical history, the nurse sends her into the examination room where she is greeted by Dr. Henry Goldman. "Would you please step behind the curtains and take off your clothes," he asks. "You want I should take off my clothes?" "That's right,' said the doctor. "Listen," she says, "does your mother know that from this you make a living?"
David Goldman shows up at a brothel in Las Vegas and tells the madam that he is from New York and has been told she has a young beauty from Brooklyn. The madam says, "Yes. We are very lucky to have her. She is the highest paid of all the girls." David asks the price and the madam tells him a thousand dollars, the room included. He agrees to pay the price and the stunning blonde is summoned and introduced to him. She takes his arm and leads him to one of the house!s private rooms. He pays her the thousand dollars and has wild sex with her and then informs her that he, too, is from New York "From where?” she asks. "From Brooklyn,” he says. "Really?” she exclaims. "I am also from Brooklyn! I still have family there. Would you by any chance know my brother? He is a dentist and his name is Jerry Fine.” “Yes. In fact I do know your brother. He cleaned my teeth just last week, and when I told him I was going to Las Vegas, he asked me to see if I could find his sister and return to her the thousand dollars he owes her.”
Mrs. Finestein takes her som to his first day of school and reassuringly says, before dropping him off, "Please, bubbeleh, have a wonderful day at school. Enjoy! And, bubbeleh, please be sure to eat all of the lunch I packed for you. I!ll be waiting to pick you up as soon as school is over. I love you, bubbeleh!” When school ends, the mother is there. She kisses her son and eagerly asks, "How was school, bubbeleh?” “Fine,” her son says."And what did you learn in school, bubbeleh?” The boy answers, "I learned my name is not bubbeleh.”
Day 85: Bubbeleh
Henry Goldstein, aged 89, is told by his doctor that the only thing that will restore him to health is the milk of a young nursing mother. A young mother is found, and Henry begins to nurse at her breast. The woman grows excited, and says, "Tell me, is there anything else I can do for you?" After a long pause, Henry says: "I'm so glad you asked. You got maybe a cookie?"
Day 86: Breakfast
Boris Steinberg goes to see his psychiatrist and tells him that he had a dream the night before. He dreamed that the psychiatrist was his mother. "Okay,” the psychiatrist says. "Let!s find out what this means. Tell me everything you did from the time you woke up this morning until you came here.” Boris begins, "Well, let! s see.
Day 84: Health
Day 87: The Female Parrot
Day 88: Tailor
First I got out of bed, then I showered and shaved, combed my hair and got dressed, and went downstairs and had a doughnut.” Whereupon the shrink fires back: "You call that a breakfast!”
Sam Gold looks at a bedraggled parrot he sees at a pet store. The owner of the pet store tells him he can have the parrot for ten dollars. But warns him that the female bird, says only one word. Soon Sam hears the parrot repeatedly squawk: "Horny.” Sam pays and takes the parrot home with him. His next door neighbour asks about the parrot. The parrot squawks, "HORNY,” and repeats it again and again. "Listen,” says the friend. "I know a guy who has parrots that daven (pray) and say Hebrew prayers all day long. Why don!t we take your parrot and show her to them? She can learn to say some pious and holy words." Sam cannot believe there are really praying parrots, but he goes along with the plan. They take the parrot to the home of the man who owns the davening parrots. Once they get inside the house, Sam sees two parrots in a cage with small skullcaps on their heads and prayer shawls draped across their feathers. The two parrots on top of their perches are swaying back and forth, muttering Hebrew words. Sam takes the female parrot out of her cage and puts her in the cage with the two praying parrots. No sooner is the female parrot in the cage than she squawks, "HORNY,” and the two male parrots stop praying and together shout: "OUR PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED!”
Joe Rubens goes to a tailor to try on a new tailored suit. The first thing he notices is that the sleeves are too long. "No problem," says the tailor. "Just bend them at the elbow and hold them out in front of you. See, now it's fine." "But the collar is up around my ears." "It's nothing," says the tailor. "Just hunch your back up a little...no a bit more. That's it." But I'm stepping on my cuffs, Joe says in desperation. “Nu, bend your knees a little to take up the slack. There you go. Look in the mirror. The suit fits perfectly." Joe twisted like a pretzel lurches out in the street. Two Jewish ladies see him go by. ''Oh look," says Maureen. "That poor man." "Yes," says her friend." "But what a beautiful suit."
Day 90: The President
Air Force One had to make a landing at New York La Guardia airport. In the VIP lounge George W. Bush noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a white beard. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm. Taking along several bodyguards, he approached the man and said: "Aren't you Moses?" The man ignored him and stared at the
Day 89: Evening Prayer
When David Goldstein was asked by his father to say the evening prayer, he realised he didn't have his head covered. So he asked his little brother Jake to rest a hand on his head until prayers were over. Jake was impatient after a few minutes and removed his hand. His father said: "This is important, Jake. Put your hand back on his head." "What am I?" he asked. "My brother's kippa (skull cap)?”
Day 92: Minyan
Rabbi Frank Kook was having trouble getting a minyan (quorum) together. Several families with strong antiwar views recently left his synagogue and joined the Quakers. “It can’t be helped,” he lamented. “Some of my best Jews are Friends.”
A rabbi, on the occasion of his synagogue!s fortieth anniversary, announces to his congregation that, despite his leadership role and all of the success he and the synagogue have had, he feels he is a nothing. Whereupon a distinguished attorney stands up and says he has achieved far more success than he ever would have imagined but feels he, too, is a nothing. Then a doctor, a muchrespected and successful physician, stands up and says, "I, too, despite all my achievements and successes, feel I am a nothing.” Finally, the synagogue!s lowly janitor, rises from among the seated congregants and says he has been with the synagogue since its founding and also feels he is a nothing. The rabbi looks at him with disdain and mumbles, "Look who thinks he!s a nothing!”
ceiling. George Bush positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again: "Aren't you Moses?" The man continued to peruse the ceiling. He tugged at his sleeve and asked again: "Aren't you Moses?" Finally the man said, "Yes, I am." George asked him why he was so uppity and had refused to answer. "Look," he said. "The last time I spoke to a bush I had to spend forty years in the desert."
Day 91: Nothing
An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called Max Feldman, the curator of the Israel museum in Jerusalem. "I've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited archaeologist exclaimed. Max replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out." A week later, Max called the archaeologist. "You were right about both the mummy's age and cause of death. “How in the world did you know?" the archaeologist asked. "Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."
Day 95: The Waiter
Max Feinberg, a popular elderly waiter at the Greenbaum Delicastessen, passed away. Some of his customers decide to visit a spiritualist to try to communicate with him. “Just knock on the table as you did when he was with you,” says the medium. “And he will appear again.” There is much knocking, but no sign of Max. The group bangs louder. Finally they begin to call his name,
Day 93: Politics
Two old Jewish men are sitting on a park bench. One looks at the other and says, "Oy.” The other looks back and says, "Oy.” This is repeated again and again until the first old man says, "I thought we weren !t going to talk politics?”
Day 94: A Mummy
An Italian man, a Frenchman, and a Jew were comparing notes on their sex lives. The Italian tells of a time he put olive oil all over his wife!s body and made love to her as she screamed in ecstasy for five full minutes. The Frenchman says he once rubbed sweet butter all over his wife!s body and made love to her, after which she screamed with delight for a solid twelve minutes. The Jew then relates how he rubbed schmaltz (chicken fat) all over his wife! s body, made love to her, and then was screamed at for an hour and a half because he wiped his hands on the drapes.
Day 97: Rottweiler
Question: What’s the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother? Answer: Eventually the Rottweiler lets go.
Day 98: Adam and Eve
louder and louder. Finally Max appears with a cloth over his arm. ‘What happened Max?” says one of the group. “Why didn’t you come when we knocked?” “It wasn’t my table,” said Max.
Adam and Eve had a perfect marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men Eve could have married. And she didn't have to hear about how well Adam's mother cooked.
Day 96: Chicken Fat
A Japanese emperor in ancient Japan puts out a proclamation seeking a chief samurai. A Japanese, Chinese, and Jewish samurai all apply. The emperor orders each to demonstrate his samurai skills. The Japanese samurai immediately steps forward, opens a tiny box, and releases a fly. He draws his samurai sword and SWISH, he neatly divides the fly into two. "What skill!” exclaims the emperor. Then the Chinese samurai steps forward, opens a tiny
Question: Why do Jewish Mothers make great parole officers? Answer: They never let anyone finish a sentence.
Day 99: Parole Officers
What did the Jewish mother ask her daughter when the daughter told her she had an affair? "Who catered it?"
Day 100: An Affair
Two minks are about to be slaughtered. One mink turns to the other and says, “See you in shul (synagogue).”
Day 101: Minks
Day 102: The Emperor
A Jew is shipwrecked on a desert island. Several years later, a passing ship notices his campfire and stops to rescue him. When the captain comes ashore, the Jew thanks him profusely and offers to give him a tour of the little island. He shows off the weapons he made for hunting, the fire where he cooks his food, the synagogue he built for services, the hut where he sleeps. On their way back to the ship, however, the captain notices a second synagogue. "I don!t understand," the captain says; "why build two synagogues?" "This," says the Jew, motioning to one, "is the synagogue I pray in," and pointing to the other, "this is the synagogue I wouldn!t be seen dead in."
A Jewish woman is riding a bus in Ohio, when a man gets on and sits down next to her. He is wearing a black hat, long black coat, black trousers, and has a long curly dark beard. The woman looks
box, releases a fly, draws his samurai sword, and SWISH SWISH, the fly falls to the floor neatly quartered. "That is very skillful!” shouts the emperor. Then comes the Jewish samurai, who also opens a tiny box and releases a fly, draws his samurai sword, and SWOOOOSH, brings forth a huge gust of wind that blows through the room. But the fly continues to buzz around. The emperor says, "Where is your skill? The fly is not even dead.” "Dead?” replies the Jewish samurai. "Dead is easy. Circumcision—now, that takes skill!”
Day 103: The Desert Island
Day 104: Customs
Day 105: Promised Land
Day 106: The Return
Melvin Goldberg went on a business trip to a small Midwest town to give a business presentation. On the stage when he bent over, he gave the loudest fart anyone had ever heard. He never showed up again. But years later he was invited back. Undecided whether he should go, he thought to himself: "I!m so old now. Surely no one will remember me." So he decided to return. But when checking into the hotel, he took the precaution of changing his name. "Have you ever visited our town before?” asked the hotel receptionist "Only once," said Melvin. "But it was a long time ago. And between you and me I haven!t returned until now because I!ve always been so embarrassed about a very painful
at him with disgust. "Jews like you," she says, "give us a bad name." He looks up at her, puzzled, and says, "I beg your pardon, madam?" She says, “Look at you. All in black, a beard, never take off your hat! It!s a disgrace." "I beg your pardon, madam, but I am not Jewish. I!m Amish." The woman suddenly smiles, "Oh, how splendid! You!ve kept your customs."
God asked Moses to choose whatever promised land he wished. After weighing several factors, Moses settled for California. But Moses had a speech impediment, and he began to answer: “CaCa-“...Whereupon God said, “Canaan, that wasteland? Well, Ok, Moses. If you want it, you got it.”
Day 107: Newspapers
Day 108: Ties
Mrs Bronstein gives her son Max two neckties for his birthday. Max hurries into his bedroom, rips off the tie he!s wearing, puts on one of the ties his mother has brought him, and hurries back. “Look, Mother," he says. Isn!t it great?" His mother responds, "What!s the matter? You don!t like the other one?"
experience that happened when I was here. I thought people might remember it." "What a shame," said the receptionist. "But you know, people have such short memories. Things are never quite so bad as you think. So I! m sure you !re being paranoid. I mean, how long ago was this incident?" Melvin said he didn!t exactly remember. “Well," asked the receptionist, "was it before or after the Goldberg fart?”
Rabbi Friedman and his secretary were sitting in a coffeehouse in Berlin in 1936. "Rabbi," said his secretary, “I see you!re reading Der Stürmer! I can!t understand why. A Nazi libel sheet! Are you some kind of masochist?" "On the contrary," the rabbi replied. "When I used to read the Jewish papers, all I learned about were pogroms, riots in Palestine, and people leaving the faith in America. But now that I read Der Stürmer, I see so much more: that the Jews control all the banks, dominate in the arts and are on the verge of taking over the entire world. You know – it makes me feel a whole lot better."
Rebecca went to her doctor for a check up. Afterwards, the doctor said to her, "I must inform you that you have a fissure in your uterus, and if you ever have a baby it would be a miracle." As soon as she got home, she says to her husband, “You vouldn!t belief it. I vent to the doctah and he told me – 'You haf a fish in your uterus and if you haf a baby it vill be a mackerel'."
Herman Mendellsohn lived in a small village in Eastern Europe. He got a job looking out for signs of the coming of the Messiah: "It!s a boring job," he lamented. "And the pay!s terrible – but at least it!s steady work."
Day 110: Cookies
Day 109: The Messiah
Sarah Finestein invited several Jewish friends for tea. As the afternoon was drawing to a close and the guests were getting ready to leave, one of the ladies says, "I just wanted to tell you that your cookies were so delicious I ate four of them." "You ate five," replied Mrs Finestein. "But who!s counting?"
Day 111: Miracle
Max Cohen lived in Dallas. One day, he bought a round of drinks for everyone in the bar because his wife had just given birth to a boy weighing twenty pounds. Everyone in the bar congratulated him and many told him that they found it hard to believe that his baby weighed in so heavy. But Max said, "It!s true, it!s really true." When Max came back to the bar three weeks later, the barman said to him, "Say, you!re the father of the baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth aren!t you? So tell us, how much does your baby weigh now?" Max proudly replied, "Twelve pounds." The barman could not understand this, so he asked "Why? Is he ill? What happened? He weighed twenty pounds at birth, why has he lost so much weight?" Max took a big swig from his beer, wiped his lips with the back of his hand, and proudly replied, "Had him circumcised."
Day 112: Chosen People
And Moses said unto the Lord,”We are Your chosen people and You want us to cut the tips off of our WHAT?”
Sam Goldfarb loved to out-do his friends. His son Fred was due to have a bar mitzvah. After studying many brochures and maps, he hit upon a perfect idea. He would organise a safari to celebrate. So Sam went ahead with the detailed arrangements. He
Day 114: The Bar Mitzvah
Day 113: Texas
Day 115: Weddings
Day 116: A Doctor
Question: You!re at a Jewish wedding. How can you tell if it! s Orthodox, Conservative , or Reform? Answer: In an Orthodox wedding, the bride!s mother is pregnant. In a Conservative wedding, the bride is pregnant. In a Reform wedding the rabbi is pregnant.
started off by hiring a special flight to Africa to accommodate all the invited family and friends. Then he chose a guide and bearers. He phoned the guide in Africa and told him what he wanted. He said: "I want everybody to be able to hear jungle chants; I want to be able to shoot some wild animals; I need a clearing to be found where my rabbi can hold the service; and I want my son to be able to recite his prayers in Hebrew whilst standing on the body of an anaesthetised lion." "OK," said the guide, “no problem." The guests were ecstatic when they received details of the weekend and all accepted their invitation. On the day of departure, they were all flown to Africa. On arrival, the guide and bearers were waiting for them, together with thirty elephants. Off they went with the guide leading the way and directing the elephants along the narrow trails through the rain forest. But then, just five hours into the journey, the column of elephants came to a sudden halt and the guide shouted, "There will now be a delay of two hours." Max was furious. "Why the delay?" he demanded. "There!s nothing I can do," said the guide, "there!s another two Bar Mitzvah safaris ahead of us."
Judy Levi comes home from her long stay in Uganda and surprises her mother who is in the process of lighting the Friday night candles and serving the matzo ball soup. She is so thrilled she can!t stop hugging and kissing Judy. Finally she says, "Sit down, darling. Tell me all about what you were doing." Judy says, "Mum, I got married." "Oy, Mazel Tov," says her mother, "But how could you do that without telling me? What!s he like? What does he do? Where is he?" "He!s waiting outside." “What are you talking about? Bring him in. I want to meet my new son-in-law." Judy brings him in and to her consternation, her mother sees a black man standing before her wearing a feathered cod piece, an ornate head dress, animal tooth beads and holding a tall spear. In desperation she exclaims to Judy, "You stupid idiot. I said marry a rich doctor!"
Day 117: Wedding Dress
Day 118: Marriage
George was an inexperienced bachelor. Eventually he proposed to the daughter of one of his parents' friends. On the eve of his wedding night, he went to his mother and asked, "Mum, why are wedding dresses white?" His mother looked at her son and replied, "This shows everyone that your bride is pure." Perplexed by the answer George went to his father and asked, "Dad, why are wedding dresses white?" "Simple," his father said: "All domestic appliances are white."
A poor couple living in a shtetl (Jewish village) in Poland couldn!t make a living on their farm. So they asked their neighbour what to do. "You must buy a cow, feed it up. And when it is ready, take it to a bull. When she mates, you will have a calf--the calf will grow up and then you have two cows." So they saved until they could afford to buy a cow. Then they fattened her up and took her to the bull. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow moved away. Perplexed, the couple went to the rabbi for advice. "Rabbi," they said, "whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If the bull approaches from the side, she walks away." The rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?" The couple were dumbfounded. "How did you know we got the cow from Minsk?" The rabbi said,”My wife, she is from Minsk.”
Day 119: The Cow
Marsha Borowitz sits down next to an attractive man on the train and says, "You look just like my fourth husband." The man replies,
Day 120: Husbands
"Congratulations, Saul," said the bridegroom!s uncle. "I! m sure you !ll look back on today and remember it as the happiest day of your life." "But I!m not getting married until tomorrow," replied Saul. "I know, I know," replied his uncle.
In Jewish tradition the male foetus is not considered a viable human being until after graduation from medical school.
"Your fourth husband? So how many times have you been married, lady?" "Three,” replies Marsha.
Day 123: A School Play
In Eastern Europe a Jewish town had a shortage of single men of marriageable age and they used to bring them in from nearby towns. One day, when a suitable man arrived by train, two mothers-in-laws were waiting for him and each claimed him for themselves. So the rabbi was called to sort it out. After he heard the facts, he said to the two women, "If you still both want him, then we!ll have to cut him in half and each one of you can then have half of him." One kept quiet while the other said, "In that case, give him to the other woman." When the rabbi heard this, he said, "OK, I agree. The other woman can have him. Anyone willing to cut him in half is obviously the real mother-in-law."
Day 122: Medical School
A little Jewish boy is telling his mother about how he!s won a part in a play at school. His mother asks, "What is the part you will
Day 121: Son-in-Law
124: Accident
An elderly Jewish man is hit by a car as he is trying to cross the street. After a long five or ten minutes, the ambulance comes and the paramedics put him on a stretcher and lift him into the ambulance, bumping him a bit. As they speed off to the hospital, one of the paramedics puts his hand on the old man!s shoulder and asks if he is comfortable. The old man shrugs: "I make a living."
125 The Cross
George Moscowitz, a grandfather, gets mugged and lies down on the street, bleeding. A priest happens to pass by and rushes over. As he sees the condition of the old man, he says,"Do you believe in the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit?" George moans: "I! m dying and he!s asking me riddles."
play, David?" David says, "I'm to play the Jewish husband," to which the mother replies, "You go right back to that teacher and tell her that you want a speaking part!"
Fred Sternberg falls off his bike. As he gets up, he crosses himself. His neighbour goes over to help him. "Fred," he says, "I didn!t know you were Catholic.” “What do you mean, Catholic?" he says. "Spectacles, testicles, wallet and watch."
Day 126: Questions
Day 128: Philosophy
Day 129: Fortune
At a university in New York a philosopher was giving a lecture about language in which he explained how many languages employ the double negative to denote a positive – "he is not unlike his sister," for example. "But there exists no language in which the opposite is true," the philosopher declared. "There is no language that employs a double positive to make a negative." At this point a Jewish guy, sitting at the back of the lecture theatre, could be heard audibly scoffing, "Yeah, yeah."
The antisemite thinks the Jews are a despicable race, but Schwartz? He!s not too bad actually. Levi? A stand-up guy. The Jew, on the other hand, believes his people are a light unto the nations, but Schwartz? What a shmuck! Levi? Don!t get me started!
Max and Zelda Goldstein had just got married. On their way to their honeymoon, Max said to his new wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn!t left me a fortune?" She replied, "Darling, I would have married you no matter who had left you a fortune."
Day 127: The Antisemite
"My dear David, I am writing to tell you that I have been unable to sleep ever since I broke off our engagement. Won!t you please, please forgive me? Not being able to hug you any more is breaking my heart. I admit that I was a fool. Nobody can take your place. I really love you. All my undying love, Mindi. xxxxxxxxxxxxx PS Mazel tov on winning the top lottery prize this week."
It was Jim and Betty Fink's silver wedding anniversary. Betty says, "Do you remember when you proposed to me? I was so overwhelmed that I couldn!t talk for an hour." Jim replies, "Yes, of
Yeshiva University decided to form a rowing crew. Unfortunately they lost race after race. They practised for hours every day, but never managed to come in any better than last. The university rabbi then sent Uri to spy on the Harvard team. He went to Cambridge, and watched the Harvard crew as they practised. "I figured out their secret," he said to the rabbi on his return. "They have eight guys rowing and only one guy shouting."
Day 132: Silence
Day 130: The Crew
Day 131: The Lottery
Harold Gross goes to see a Jewish matchmaker. She says, "Do I have a girl for you!" "Really?" Harold says."Yes, she's a beautiful girl. And she!s also very rich." “Are you serious?" "Of course I am. Would I lie to you? And she has a long line of ancestry. She comes from a very noble family." "It all sounds great to me," says Harold. "But why would a girl like that want to marry me? She!d have to be crazy." "Well," says the matchmaker, "you can!t have everything in life!"
course I do. How could I ever forget? It was the happiest hour of my life."
Day 135: The Bachelor
Sylvia and Carol-- two widows at the Jewish care home--were curious about the latest arrival – a quiet, nice-looking man who, most of the time kept himself to himself. Sylvia said to Carol, "You know I!m shy. Why don!t you go over to him and find out a little bit about him. He looks so lonely." Carol agreed. So she walked up to
Day 133: The Matchmaker
Day 134: Divorce
Joe and Sarah Feldman had been married for 65 years. When they were asked whether, in all those years, they had ever thought of divorce, they replied, "Murder, yes, but divorce never!"
Helen Fineberg comes home from her afternoon out with her boyfriend Stanley looking very unhappy. "What!s the matter”, asks her mother. " Stanley has asked me to marry him," she replies. "Mazel tov! But why are you looking so sad?" her mother asks. "Because he told me that he is an atheist. Oh Mum, he doesn!t even believe in Hell." Her mother then says, "That!s all right
Day 137: Hell
In ancient Egypt the Pharaoh repeatedly broke his promise to release the children of Israel from bondage. Aaron said to his wife, Elishiba, "You know, Pharaoh is really turning out to be a firstclass momzer (bastard)." "Aaron," said his wife , "You mustn!t say such things. We are all one family. Don!t forget we are all children of God, even Pharaoh."That's true," replied Aaron, “but this Pharaoh, he must come from your side of the family."
him and said, "Excuse me, I hope you don!t mind me asking, but my friend and I were wondering why you looked so lonely." "I! m lonely," he said, "because I!ve spent the past twenty years in prison." "You!re kidding me! What ever for?" "For killing my third wife. I strangled her." "What happened to your second wife?" "I poisoned her." "And, if I may ask, what about your first wife?" "We had a fight and she fell out the window." Turning to her friend on the other side of the room, she shouted, "It!s OK, he! s single!"
Day 136: Pharaoh
Helen; it really isn!t a problem. I suggest you marry him and between the two of us, we!ll show him how wrong he is."
Jerry and Ruth Gardenschwartz were celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary with a group of friends at an expensive New York restaurant. But Jerry looked unhappy so his best friend Michael, a lawyer, went over to him. "What!s the matter?" he asked. "Why do you look so sad?" "Do you remember on my fifth anniversary I asked you what would happen if I murdered Ruth?" Jerry said. "Yes," answered Michael, "I said you would get twenty years in jail." "Well," said, Jerry. "I would have been a free man tonight!"
Day 140: Marital Strife
Max Goldberg and his wife Sadie had just had yet another of their flaming rows. At the end of this one, she said to him, "You!ll be
Gerald Greenberg was talking to his friend. "I had it all, Sam–money, a beautiful house and the love of a beautiful woman. Then pow! It was all gone." "What happened?" asked his friend. "My wife found out about the beautiful woman."
Day 139: The Anniversary
Day 138: A Beautiful Woman
Day 141: Mona Lisa
sorry, I!m going to leave you." To which Max replied, "Make up your mind which one it’s going to be—it can!t be both."
Herman Finkelstein came home from work one day to find his wife, Sylvia, sitting on the front door step with her bags packed. Herman asked her where she was going, and she replied, "I! m going to Las Vegas." Herman asked why she was going. She said, "I found out that I can make $1,000 a night doing what I give you for free." Herman pondered that for a while, went into the house, packed his bags and returned to the front door. Sylvia said, "And just where do you think you’re going?" Herman replied, "I! m going, too." "Why?" she asked. Herman said, "I want to see how you are going to live on $1,000 a year."
If Mona Lisa!s mother were Jewish, she!d have said, "Mona darling, after all the money your father and I spent on your braces, that!s the biggest smile you can give us?"
Day 143: Happiness
Day 142: A Trip
Day 146: A Mother's Letter
Day 145: Assertiveness
Day 144: Faults
Maurice and Rachel are sitting in a romantic restaurant in the East Side of New York. Maurice declares: "I'm going to make you the happiest woman in the world." Rachel says, "I'll miss you."
"Fineberg, the funeral director, that!s who," replied Linda.
Just think, if it weren!t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
Daniel Plotnik was fed up with being bossed around by his wife Linda. He went to see a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist told him that he was too much of a mild-mannered man and needed to build up his self-esteem. He then gave him a book on assertiveness. Daniel started to read the book on the train and by the time he got home, he finished it. He strode into the house, walked over to Linda, pointed his finger at her and said, "From now on you must get it into your head that I--not You--make all the decisions in this house. Tonight, I want you to prepare my favourite meal. And I expect a special mouth-watering dessert afterwards. Then, after dinner, you!re going to run me a hot bath so I can relax. And when I step out of the bath, guess who!s going to give me my pyjamas?"
"My dear darling Max and that-person-you-married-against-mywishes: Happy New Year. Please don!t worry about me – I!m well, considering I am having trouble breathing and eating. All I want is for you to have a nice holiday thousands of miles away from your mother. Please find attached to this letter my last £20. I am just hoping that you will spend it on my grandchildren, poor babies. God knows their mother never seems to buy them anything nice. Maybe you!ll buy some food, as they look so thin in the photos you sent me. Thank you, Max, for the flowers you sent me on my birthday. To save you money, I have put them in the freezer in the hope that they will last until my funeral. And please don!t think of sending me any more money. I realise you will need it yourself for your next who-knows-where-in-the-world expensive holiday. I lost my walking stick last week beating off muggers, but don!t worry – when I finish writing this letter, I shall crawl back to bed. I am even beginning to get used to the cold since the landlord turned off the heating. The frost helps to numb the constant pain. Please give my love to my darling grandchildren and give my regards to ‘her.’ Love from your devoted mother.”
Day 148: President
Melvin Gold was known to be indecisive. During a flaming argument with his wife, he declared: "We!re not going out tonight and that!s semi-final!"
Day 147: Indecision
Jackie Fishman was talking to her best friend Ruth Fineberg. "Is that a new ring I see you!re wearing, Ruth?" "Yes it is," replied Ruth. "My husband Max bought it for me. It!s special. I call it my mood ring." "Why do you call it that?" asked Jackie. "Well, when I!m in a good mood it turns green and when I!m in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on his forehead."
Harry Finkelstein has been elected the next President of the United States – the first Jew to reach the White House. He is very proud and phones his mother in New York to invite her to the inauguration. "Mom, guess what! I!ve just been elected President, won !t you come to my inauguration?" "Harry! You know I hate trains. I can!t face the journey all the way to Washington. Maybe next time." "Mom. You will take no train. Air Force One will collect you. The journey will be over in thirty minutes. Come to my inauguration, please." "Harry, I hate hotels. The non-kosher food. No, maybe next time." “Mom. You will stay in the White House, with a kosher chef all to yourself. Please come." "Harry! I have nothing to wear." "I'll have someone on his way over to you now to take you shopping. You must come." "OK, OK, I suppose I!ll come." Inauguration Day arrives. Harry's mother is in the front row, next to the Secretary of State. Harry is called up to take the oath of office as President. Mother digs the Secretary of State in the ribs and says, "Do you see that boy Harry? His brother is a doctor."
Day 149: A Ring
Jack Rubenstein was talking to his friend Boris. "There!s nothing I wouldn!t do for my Rifka," he said, "and there!s nothing she wouldn!t do for me. And that!s how we go through life – doing nothing for each other."
Day 150: Nothing
Jack Freeman didn!t know what to buy his mother-in-law for her birthday, so he bought her a large plot in the Jewish cemetery. The following year he bought her nothing for her birthday and his wife was quick to criticise him for his thoughtlessness.. "So, why didn!t you buy her something?" she snapped. "Well, she hasn!t used the gift I gave her last year," he replied.
Day 152: A Present
Melvin Fink gets home late after attending his friend!s leaving party in Queens. As soon as he walks in, there is his wife, Ruby, waiting for him. Ruby looks at Melvin and says angrily, "Can you explain to me, how this large red lipstick mark got onto your shirt collar?" "No, I can!t," Melvin replies. "I don!t know how it happened – I distinctly remember taking off my shirt."
Day 153: Donations
Day 151 Lipstick
Day 154: Cures
Mimi Horowitz wakes up one morning and utters a loud: “Oy Vay!” She has a nagging pain in her left shoulder. She immediately books an appointment with her doctor. After examining Mimi, Dr Gold says: “Do you own a full length mink coat?” “Yes,’ she says. “Micky bought it for me for our silver anniversary.” “Good,” he says. “You should wear it for three weeks, and then make an appointment to see me.” Mimi returns after three weeks and says: “My shoulder is fine, but I now have a pain in my left index finger.” After examining her, Dr. Gold says. “Do you own a three carat diamond ring?” “Yes, doctor, Micky
One Sunday morning, Rabbi Mordecai Gold goes to visit Samuel Morgenstern. "Shalom, Samuel, I!ll come straight to the point. I! ve come because our synagogue needs your help. You!ve been a member for over twenty years and I realise that you!re always quick to pay your membership fees. But as you are aware, we are in a financial crisis. I!ve come here to ask you for a little extra for the new school building fund." "How much are you looking to get from me – how big is little?" asks Samuel. "I!ll be honest. $10,000 would be a tremendous help to us," replies the rabbi.! Samuel responds, "Rabbi, my daughter Helen is soon getting married and she has asked me for $75,000 to help her buy a house. My son David is just starting at Columbia and he wants $80,000 to see him through the difficult first year there. My wife Sadie wants a hysterectomy and she has asked for $50,000 for the doctors! fees and in-patient facilities. And that!s not all. You know from your own experience that to keep my mother in a nursing home, they are asking $100,000. So, Rabbi, if I can say 'no' to them, I can say 'no' to you.”
bought it for me to celebrate the birth of our first grandson.” “Good,” he says. “Wear it for three weeks, and then make an appointment to see me again.” Mimi returns after three weeks and says: “My finger is fine, but I now am getting terrible headaches.” After examining her, Dr Gold says: “Do you own a platinum and diamond tiara?” “Yes, doctor, Micky bought me one to wear under the cuppah at our daughter Sarah’s wedding.” “Good,” he says. “You should wear it for three weeks, and then make another appointment to see me.” After three weeks, she returns. “I feel great. It’s a miracle. My shoulder is fine. My finger is much better. And I’m not getting any headaches. Thanks so much for all your help. But I have one question. “What is it,” Dr. Gold asks. “How do you treat your non-Jewish patients?”
Three Jewish mothers are sitting around and bragging about their children. Sylvia says: "Marvin graduated from Harvard and he! s now a doctor making $500,000 a year." Helen says: "Joshua graduated from Yale and he!s now a lawyer making $750,000 a year and he lives in New York." Marilyn says, "George never did well in school, never went to university but he now makes $1,000,000 a year working as a sports repairman." The other two women ask, "So what!s a sports repairman?" Marilyn replies, "He fixes football matches, baseball matches, and prize fights..."
Max Feldberg goes into a restaurant and orders fried haddock. The waiter serves him a nice size piece of fish. As he!s walking away, the waiter overhears him talking to the fish. Soon he is deep
Day 155: Repairman
Day 156: Fish
Elaine Horowitz was talking to her friend Betty. "My son Jonathan," said Elaine proudly, "graduated Phi Beta Kappa from Harvard, and has just qualified as a psychiatrist." "You must be proud of him," said Betty. "Yes I am" replied Elaine. "He can!t get a job – but at least he knows why."
Day 158: Self-knowledge
Day 157: Telephone Message
Helen Horowitz's recorded message on her answerphone: "If you want me to make smoked salmon when you come round, press 1; if you want chopped liver, press 2; if you want chicken soup, press 3; if you want chicken soup with matzo balls, press 4; if you want to know how am I feeling, you must have dialled the wrong number because nobody ever asks me how I am. Who knows, I could even be dead by now."
in conversation with his lunch. "What on earth are you doing?" asks the waiter. Max replies, "We!re just schmoozing. It seems that the fish is from Brooklyn. I used to live there and I was asking the fish how things are there. "What did he say?" asks the waiter. " He said, "How should I know? I haven!t been there in years."
Day 159: A Gift
Day 160: Children and Grandchildren
Day 161: A Mercedes
Three sons emigrated from Brooklyn to Sydney, Australia where they prospered . One afternoon they met for lunch and discussed the gifts they had been able to give their old mother. Morris said, "I built a big house for Mum." Peter said, "I sent her a Rolls Royce with a driver.! Mickey said, "You remember how Mum enjoys reading the Bible? Because she can no longer see very well, I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the whole Bible. All Mum has to do is name the chapter and verse." Soon afterwards, a letter of thanks came from their mother:"Morris, the house you built is so huge. I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Peter, I am too old to travel. I stay at home most of the time, so I rarely use the Rolls Royce, and that driver is a fidget – he!s a pain in the toches (rear end). But Mickey, the chicken was delicious."
Mindy Goldberg and Ruth Green met for the first time in fifty years since high school. Mindy begins to tell Ruth about her children. Mindy says, "My son Mortimer is a doctor and he!s got four kids. My daughter Esther is married to a lawyer and they have three great kids. So tell me Ruth about your kids." Ruth replies, "Unfortunately, Melvin and I don!t have any children and so we have no grandchildren either." Mindy says, "No children? And no grandkids? So tell me, Ruth, what do you do for aggravation?"
163: Dinner
Day 162: Surgery
Boris Glick said to his friend Max Feld, "Max, did I tell you that my wife had plastic surgery the other day?" "No you didn!t," replied Max. "Yes," said Boris, "I cut up her credit cards."
Abe Goldman's business had done so well that he treated himself to a brand new Mercedes convertible. When he picked up the car from the dealer, he decided to take it out for a spin. Soon he was driving at 80mph. "This is brilliant," he said to himself and increased his speed a bit more. But a quick look in his rear-view mirror showed a police car with flashing lights coming up quickly behind him. Abe thought, "I can easily get away from him," and he started to accelerate. But then he had another thought, "What the hell am I doing? This is madness.” So he quickly pulled over to the side of the road and waited. The police car pulled up behind him and a policeman got out. He walked up to Abe who had got out of the car and said, "This just might be your lucky day, sir. Today is Friday the thirteenth and my shift ends in three minutes. If you can give me one good reason why you were speeding that I!ve never heard before, I!ll let you off with just a warning." Abe looked at the policeman and said, "Last week, my wife ran off with a policeman and I thought you were bringing her back. That! s why I was trying to get away from you." The policeman said, "Enjoy the rest of your day."
Minnie Goldberg goes to a marriage bureau. The bureau is laid out over five floors. The men here have increasingly better attributes the higher up you go. You are only allowed in once. Once you open the elevator door to a floor, you must choose a man from that floor. If you go up a floor, you can!t go back down except to leave the bureau. The sign on the elevator door says: "Floor 1: All the men here have jobs, love children and are certainly not lazy." Minnie thinks, "Well, that!s better than not having a job or not loving children, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes to the next floor. The sign says: "Floor 2: All the men on this floor have executive jobs, love children, are certainly not lazy and are extremely good-looking." "That!s better but I wonder what!s further upstairs?" Up she goes. The sign says: "Floor 3: All the men on this floor have executive jobs, love children, are certainly not lazy, are extremely good-looking, help with the housework and are not strictly Orthodox." "Almost perfect and very tempting. But I!ve come this far and there! s more further up!" And so again, up she goes. The sign says: "Floor 4: All the men on this floor have executive jobs, love children, are
Marilyn Feldman comes out of the bedroom and says to her husband Bernard, "Darling, do you want me to wear this Chanel suit or shall I put on the Gucci outfit?" "Either," he says. She then asks, "Darling, shall I wear my Rolex or my Cartier watch?" "Whichever you want," he replies. Marilyn then says, "Darling, shall I wear my five-carat pear or my six-carat round diamond?" To which he responds, "Hey, if you don!t get your act together, and soon, we are going to miss the Early Bird Special at Schwartz's delicatessen."
Day 164: Marriage Bureau
certainly not lazy, are extremely good-looking, help with the housework, are not strictly Orthodox, are very romantic and know how to satisfy their partner." "Great," she says aloud. "But just think what could be waiting for me upstairs! So up to the fifth and top floor she goes. The sign here says: "Floor 5: This floor is just to prove that Jewish women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping. Have a nice day."
Day 167: Encyclopaedia
Sam Gardenschwartz was passing by a florist when he saw a sign in the window saying, "Say It With Flowers." He went into the shop and said to the assistant, "Wrap up one rose for me." "Only one?" the assistant asked. "Just one," replied Moshe. "I! m a man of few words."
Day 165: Romance
Jack Goldstein was rich. In July he went on holiday to St Tropez with his latest, much younger girlfriend, Sarah. After two weeks they began to talk about the differences in their ages and interests between them. Jack took this opportunity to ask Sarah what was, to him, an important question. He asked, "If I lost everything, all my money, my mansion, my Rolls Royce tomorrow, would you still love me?" "Yes, darling," she said. "And I!d miss you too."
Day 166: Flowers
Day 168: Mt Sinai
The Hebrew people were sitting around Mount Sinai. For hours Moses had been on top of the mountain, hidden from their gaze by clouds. Sometimes the clouds became dark and you could hear thunder rolling down. The end of day was approaching and dusk was beginning to set in when suddenly Moses appeared through the clouds and walked down the mountainside carrying a heavy load. He put down the two tablets and raised his hands. "Friends," he said, "I have done my best. I used every possible argument. The good news is: I brought Him down from fifteen to ten. The bad news is: adultery is still in."
Day 169: The Tailor
"For sale by owner: complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes, excellent condition, $500 or nearest offer. No longer needed – just got married. Wife knows everything."
Sam Gold and his friend Bernie Fein went to Pincus Levi the tailor for new suits. "Listen, Pincus," Sam said, "the last suits you made for us were sort of grey. We want black suits, the darkest black cloth that we can get." "See this cloth?" Pincus said, fingering a roll of fabric. "This is the stuff they make nuns! habits from. There's no blacker cloth." A few weeks later, they were walking down the street in their new suits when they passed two nuns. Impulsively, Sam went up to the nuns and matched his suit against their habits. Becoming angry, he muttered something to Bernie and they both walked off. "What did that man want?!"one nun asked the other. "I don!t know," she replied, $He looked at my
Day 171: Dog
Day 170: Light Bulb
habit and said something in Latin." "What did he say?" "He said: 'Pincus Fuctus'."
Felix Morgenstern gets a new dog and can!t wait to show him off. So when his friend Max Bronfman arrives, Felix calls the dog into the house. The dog quickly comes running and stands looking up at Felix, tail wagging furiously, Felix points to the newspaper on the couch and commands, "FETCH!" Immediately, the dog climbs on to the couch and sits down. His tail wagging stops. Looking up at his master, the dog says in a whiny voice, $You think this is easy wagging my tail all the time? Oy Vay. It hurts from so much wagging. And do you think that expensive organic dog food you! re
How many Poles does it take to change a light bulb? Three—one to hold the bulb and two to turn the ladder. How many WASPS does it take to change a light bulb? Two—one to call the electrician and one to mix the drinks. How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb? Four —one to change the bulb and three to share the experience. How many psychiatrists does it take to change the light bulb? One, but the bulb has to want to change. How many graduate students does it take to change a light bulb? Only one—but it takes four years. How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb? None. “It’s alright—I’ll sit in the dark.”
The Lehman Company feels it is time for a shake-up and advertises for a new managing director. Bert Sacks gets the job. He is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On his first tour of the factory, he sees a young man leaning against a wall. The area is full of production workers and he thinks this is a good time to let them all know he means business. He walks up to the young man and asks, "How much money do you make a week?" The young man says,"I make $250 a week. Why do you want to know?" Bert then hands the man $250 and shouts:"Here! s a week!s pay. Get out of here and don!t let me see you here again." Feeling pretty good about his first dismissal, Bert looks around and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that idiot did here?" One of the workers replied, "He!s a pizza delivery guy from down the Dayroad."173:A
Day 172: Work
feeding me is tasty? You try it. It!s rubbish. You just don!t seem to care about me anymore. You push me out the door to take a leak three times a day. I can!t remember the last time you took me for a walk." Max is amazed. "What the hell is that? Your dog is sitting there talking." "Sorry," Felix replied. “He thought I said 'kvetch' (complain)."
Job
Mordecai Singer is the manager of an up-market menswear store in New York. and is interviewing Melvin Grimes for the recently
Daniel Marx received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown, with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was a swear word. Daniel tried to change the bird! s attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing dance music, anything. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird, but the
Day 175: Bad Parrot
advertised salesman role. Mordecai looks at Melvin's CV and notices that he has never worked in retail before. So he says, "What chutzpah (presumption)! if you don!t mind me saying. For someone with no retail experience, you are certainly asking for a high salary." "Well I suppose I am," Melvin replies, "but you must realise that the work is so much harder when you don!t know what you !re doing."
Day 174: Three Wise Women
What would have happened if three wise Jewish women had gone to Bethlehem instead of three wise men? They would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, hired someone to clean the stable, cooked brisket and brought practical gifts. And what would they have said to each other after they left? "Did you see the sandals Mary was wearing with that shmatta (rag)? " "That baby doesn!t look anything like Joseph." "Virgin? I knew her in school." "Can you believe they let all of those disgusting animals in there?" “I heard that Joseph doesn!t have a job." "And that donkey they are riding has seen better days." "We!ll just see how long it will take to get your brisket pot back."
bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got ruder. Finally, in a moment of desperation, Daniel put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, all was quiet. Daniel was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Daniel’s arm and said, "I!m sorry I offended you. I ask for your forgiveness. I will go to synagogue with you every week to pray and I will try to modify my behaviour." Daniel was astounded at the bird!s change in attitude and was about to ask what changed him when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"
Day 176: Slander
Day 177: Praying Dog
George Stein goes to his synagogue with a dog. The rabbi immediately comes up to him and says, "This is a House of Worship, You know you can!t bring a dog in here." "What do you mean I can!t?" says George. "Look at him, he!s a Jewish dog." The rabbi notices that the dog has a tallis bag round its neck. George then says to the dog, "Daven (pray) for me." The dog stands on his back legs. "Woof, woof, woof," says the dog who takes out the
George Gold and Boris Fineberg were having lunch at the Jewish country club. Throughout the meal Melvin Finkelstein was slandered at great length by Boris. “How do you know so much about him? asks George. “Finkelstein?” Boris says. “We’ve been best friends for years.”
Rabbi Harold Gold was an avid golfer. One Yom Kippur he thought to himself: "What's it going to matter if I go out during the recess and play a few rounds of golf. Nobody will know, and I'll be back in time for services." At the conclusion of the morning service Harold headed straight for the golf course. Looking down from Heaven were Moses and God. Moses said, "Look at Gold. Terrible. A rabbi on Yom Kippur playing golf ." "I'll teach him a lesson," replied God. On the course Gold stepped up to the first tee. When he hit the ball, it careened of a tree, skipped across a pond and landed in the hole. A Hole in One! Seeing this, Moses protested: "This is how you're going to teach him a lesson?" "I did," God said. "Whom is he going to tell?'
Daydoctor."178:
tallis, opens a prayerbook and starts to pray, rocking from side to side. "That!s brilliant," says the rabbi. "Totally incredible.You must get him on TV and in the movies and you could make millions." "You speak to him," says George. "He wants to be a
Golf
Day 179: Father Christmas
Father Christmas noticed a young lady of about twenty years old, wearing a large gold Star of David pendant around her neck, who was walking towards him. He was surprised, when she sat on his lap. He didn't usually take requests from adults, but as she gave him such a nice smile, he couldn!t refuse. He said to her, "What! s your name?" "Monica Goldberg" she said. "And what does a nice Jewish girl like you want for Christmas?" "Actually," she
Saul Fox's parrot died. He went to the pet shop and told the owner that he wanted to buy another pet, but a bit more unusual. After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, which came in a little white box. Saul took the box home. He found a good place to put it and decided he would immediately take his new pet to shul and show it off. He asked the centipede in the box, Would you like to go to Shabbos services?" But there was no answer. He waited a few minutes and then asked again, But there was no answer. So Saul waited a few minutes more. He decided to ask one more time, this time putting his face up against the centipede!s box and shouting, “Hey, you in there! Would you like to go to synagogue?" A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I!m putting on my shoes."
Day 180: Centipede
Day 181: Speeding
Sitting on the side of a highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a policeman sees a car puttering along at 22 mph. He thinks: "This driver is as dangerous as a speeder." He turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he sees there are five elderly ladies inside, as white as ghosts. The driver, Minnie
replied, "I want something for my mother." "Something for your mother? Well, that!s very thoughtful, What do you want me to bring her?" "A son-in-law," she said.
Day 183: Adam
Goldstein, says to him: "Officer, I don't understand. I was doing exactly the speed limit. What's the problem?" "You weren't speeding," the officer replies. "But you should know that driving slower than the speed limit is also dangerous." "Slower than the speed limit?" Minnie says. "No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly: 22 mph." The officer then explains that '22' is the route number, not the speed limit. Looking at the terrified women in the car, he says: "Before I let you go is everyone in the car ok?” Minnie replies: "Oh, they'll be ok in a minute. We just got off Route 119."
Day 182: Upset
An upset Jewish mother Rachel Gardenschwartz answers the telephone. "Darling, how are you? It's your mother." "Oh Momma," she says, "I'm having an awful day. The baby won't eat. The washing machine has broken down. I haven't had a chance to go shopping. I sprained my ankle. The house is a mess. And I'm supposed to have people for dinner." The voice on the other ends says: "Darling, let Momma handle it. Sit down, relax and close your eyes. I'll be over in a half an hour. I'll do your shopping, clean the house, and cook dinner for you. I'll even call your husband Melvin at the office and tell him to come home and help..." "Melvin?" says Rachel. "Who's Melvin?" "Melvin is your husband...is this 333-43514? "No," Rachel says. “It's 233-43514." "Oh, I'm sorry. I must have the wrong number." There is a short pause. Then Rachel says: "Does this mean you're not coming over?"
Adam was walking in the garden feeling lonely. So God asked him: "What's wrong?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God then said he was going to make him a companion and that it would be wonderful. She will gather food for you, cook for you, agree with you, bear your children, never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to care for them, never nag you, be the first to admit she is wrong when you have a disagreement, and never give you a headache." Adam asked: "What will she cost?" God said: "An arm and a leg." Adam thought it over. "What can I get for a rib?" he asked.
What's the difference between a Jewish mother-in-law and a Rottweiler? Eventually the Rottweiler lets go.
Day 185: A Phone Call
Alan Warkowfsky phones a law office, and says: "I want to speak to my lawyer, Max Greenberg.” The receptionist replies: "I'm sorry to tell you that Mr Greenberg died last week." The next day he calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. Bewildered, the receptionist says: "I told you yesterday that your lawyer died last week." The next day he calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. Frustrated, the receptionist says: "I keep telling you that your lawyer died. Why do you keep calling?" Warkowfsky says: "It gives me such pleasure to hear you say that."
Day 184: A Difference
Two Jewish men are waiting for a train. The younger man, Michael Baum, asks the older man, Sam Fineberg, the time. But Sam ignores him. After several minutes, the younger man again asks the time. Again he is ignored. Frustrated, Michael says: "Why won't you answer when I ask you the time?" Sam sighs.
Sadie Schwartz is giving directions to her grandson who is coming to visit with his wife. She says: "You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 22. There is a big panel on the door. With your elbow you push button 22. I will buzz you in. You come inside. The elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 22. When you get out, I am on the left. With your elbow hit the doorbell." "Grandma," he says. "That's easy. But why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?" "You're coming empty handed?" she asks.
Day 186: Furniture Store
Day 187: A Visit
A young Catholic priest in Los Angeles sees a large sign over a furniture store: “Pincus and O’Toole.” He goes in and is greeted by an elderly shopkeeper with a beard and yarmulke. The priest is delighted. “It does my heart good to see how your people and mine have come together in friendship and in business. What a pleasant surprise.” ‘Well,” the shopkeeper says, “I’ve got a bigger surprise for you. I”m O’Toole.”
Day 188: A Watch
"Look," he says. "If I tell you the time, we'll start to talk. Then when the train arrives, you might sit down next to me. We'll get to know each other, and maybe I’ll eventually invite you to my house for Shabbos dinner. Maybe then you and my daughter would get along. And then get engaged. Why would I want a son-in-law who can't even afford a watch?"
Day 189: Catholic Nuns
Max Green and his brother Philip were partners in a very successful clothing factory. It had been in operation for many years and there wasn!t much they didn!t know about the business. One day, Max decided to take a trip to Rome. One of his customers was the local Catholic bishop who arranged for him to have an audience with the Pope. On his first day back at work
Day 190: The Pope
Four young novice nuns were about to take their vows. Dressed in their white gowns, they came into the chapel where the Mother Superior was waiting to perform the ceremony to marry them to Jesus. Just as the ceremony was about to begin, four Jewish men wearing skullcaps, came in and sat in the front row. The Mother Superior said to them, "I am honoured that you would want to share this experience with us, but do you mind if I ask you why you came?!" Morty Shapiro replied: "We!re from the groom! s side."
Marty Fox is sitting in his room, wearing only a hat, when his next door neighbour Fred Steinberg strolls in."Why are you sitting here naked?" "It’s all right,” says Marty. "Nobody comes to visit.” "But why the hat?” "Maybe somebody will come.”
Day 191 The Hat
after his Rome trip, Philip asked him, "So, Max, what kind of a man is the Pope?" Max replied, "I would say he!s a 44 regular."
Day 192: Adultery
On the sixth day, God consulted the angels: “Today I am going to create a land called Israel. It will be a land of mountains full of snow, sparkly lakes, forests full of all kinds of trees, and high cliffs overlooking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life.” He
Day 193: Israel
"I know — it must have been that idiot Jimmy Bloom.” "No, it wasn’t Bloom, either.” "Whatsa matter?” he cried. "None of my friends is good enough for you?”
"That bastard Walter Wolf?” "No,” replied his wife. "It wasn’t Wolf.” "Was it that shit Greenberg?” "No, it wasn’t him.”
Gerald Stein returned home from a business trip to discover that his wife Mavis had cheated on him. "Who was it?" he roared.
continued, “I shall make the land rich so as to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Israelis, and they shall be known to most people on earth.” “But Lord,”asked the angels, “don’t you think you are being too generous to these Israelis?” “Not really,” God replied, “just wait and see the neighbours I’m going to give them.”
Day 195: A Funeral
Saul Goldfarb was well-respected and elderly. He felt that death was close and asked his sons to take him to the Holy Land, to die there and be buried in Jerusalem. The sons did as he asked, brought him to Jerusalem, and put him in a hospital. However, once in Jerusalem Saul started to feel better and better and after a few weeks was again strong, healthy and full of life. He called upon his sons and said, “Quick, take me back to Brooklyn." The sons were disappointed and asked, "Father, how come? You said you want to die in the Holy Land and be buried in Jerusalem!" "Yes," answered Saul , "to die it’s OK – but to live here?"
Marilyn Greenstein passed away. At her funeral her husband Jack, had tears in his eyes. At the end of the service, as the coffin was being wheeled out, the trolley accidentally bumped into the doorframe and jarred the coffin. To everyone’s total shock, they heard a faint moaning coming from the coffin. They quickly opened it and found that Marilyn was alive. Marilyn and Jack lived together for ten more years and then Marilyn died. At the
Day 194: Burial
One Shabbos morning, Rabbi Sternberg gave a sermon on "the mitzvah of forgiving your enemies." He talked for nearly fifteen minutes, and then asked his congregation, "Please raise your hand if you are willing to forgive your enemies." About fifty per cent raised their hands. This upset the rabbi so he decided to lecture for another ten minutes. He then repeated his question. This time about eighty per cent raised their hands. But the rabbi was still not satisfied. He lectured a bit longer and repeated his question. This time everybody raised their hands, except an old lady at the back. Rabbi Sternberg asked, "Mrs Levy, aren’t you willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don’t have any enemies," she replied. "That’s very unusual, Mrs Levy. How old are you?" "I’m 98, Rabbi"." “Please, Mrs Levy, come to the front and tell us how you have lived to 98 and don’t have an enemy in the world." Mrs Levy hobbled down the aisle, faced the congregation and said: "I outlived the bastards, that’s how."
Day 197: Hospital
Max Greenstein was brought to the hospital and taken quickly in for coronary surgery. The operation went well. As he regained consciousness, Max was reassured by the doctor who was waiting by his bed. "You're going to be fine," the doctor said. The doctor was joined by a nurse who said, "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by
end of the service, as the coffin was being wheeled out on the trolley, Jack shouted, "Watch out, don’t hit the doorframe!"
Day 196: Forgiveness
Yom Kippur was fast approaching and the rabbi remembered his dissatisfaction with the donations given by his congregation last year. He wasn’t confident that he could get more from them this year. However, the synagogue Treasurer suggested that he might be able to hypnotise the congregation into giving more. "And just how would I go about doing that?" he asked. "It's very simple. First you ensure all windows are shut so that the shul is warmer than usual. Then you give your sermon, but in a monotone voice. Meanwhile, you dangle a watch on a chain and swing it in a slow arc backwards and forwards and suggest to the congregation that they pledge ten times more than they did last year.” So on Kol Nidre night, the rabbi did as suggested. Astonishingly they pledged ten times more than normal. But the rabbi did not want to take advantage of this technique each year, so he waited two years before trying mass hypnosis again. Just as the last of the congregation was becoming mesmerised, the chain on the watch broke and the watch hit the floor with a loud thud and springs and parts flew everywhere. "Shit!’" exclaimed the rabbi. It took them a week to clean up the synagogue.
insurance?" "No, I'm not," Max said in a whisper. "Then can you pay in cash?" the nurse persisted. "I'm afraid I cannot." "Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nurse questioned sternly. "Just my sister in New York," he volunteered. "But she converted to...she's a nun... in fact a real spinster." "Oh, I must correct you, Mr Greenstein..Nuns are not spinsters—they are married to God." "Wonderful, wonderful," Greenstein said.. "In that case, please send my bill to my brother-in-law."
Day 198: Yom Kippur
Mort Moskovits, living in Miami Beach, calls his son in New York. “I hate to tell you,” he says, “but your mother and I can’t stand each other anymore and we are divorcing. That’s it! I want to live out the rest of my years in peace. I am telling you now so you and your sister shouldn’t go into shock later when I move out.” The father hangs up and David immediately calls his sister and tells her the news. The sister says: “I’ll handle this.” She calls Florida and gets her father on the phone. She pleads to her father. “Don’t do anything till David and I get there,” she says. “We will be there Friday night.” The father says, “Ok, I’ll wait.” When the father hangs up the phone, he hollers to his wife: “Ok, they’re coming for Passover. Now what are we going to tell them for Rosh Hashanah?”
Day 200: Parking Space
Frank Feinberg is driving in Jerusalem. He's late for a meeting and looking for a parking space but can't find one. In desperation, he turns his face upwards and says, "Lord, if you find me a parking space, I promise I'll eat only kosher food and will observe Shabbat and all the holidays." Miraculously, a space opens up just in front of him. He turns his face back up and says, "Never mind, I just found one!"
Day 199: Telephone Call
Day 201: Synagogue
One Friday morning, a letter dropped through Rabbi Barry Bloom’s letterbox. He opened it and took out a single sheet of paper. On it was written just the word: ‘SHMUCK’ (obnoxious idiot). Next day, at the end of his Sabbath sermon, Rabbi Bloom announced to his congregation, ‘I have previously come across people who have written to me but have forgotten to sign the letter. This week, however, I received a letter from someone who signed it but forgot to write it.’
Gerald Strauss woke up one Saturday morning in a bad mood. When he came down to breakfast, he sat across the table from his wife Margie. "I’m not going to synagogue today!’" he said. "Yes you are," said Margie. "No I’m not … I don’t think I really want to ever go again! The people there don’t like me. They ignore me. They don’t appreciate me at all … and I won’t go back.” "Yes, you will go today, and you will continue," said Margie. “And, I’ll give you two reasons. Number one, you’re 45 years old – and number two, you’re the rabbi!"
Day 203: Charity
A rabbi, a priest and a minister are discussing what they do with donations to their religious organisations. The minister says that he draws a circle on the floor, throws the money up in the air, and whatever lands inside the circle, he gives to God, and whatever lands outside the circle, he keeps. The priest uses a similar
Day 202: A Letter
Day 204: Heaven
Day 205: Shabbos
Jews are not only not allowed to conduct business on Shabbos (Sabbath), they are not even supposed to talk about it: However Mort Gold and Harold Gardenschwartz meet in the synagogue one Shabbos morning. Mort says, "Not to talk about it on Shabbos, but I!m selling my car." Harold replies, "Not to talk
Rabbi Herman Bronstein dies and is waiting in line to enter heaven. In front of him is a man dressed in a loud shirt, leather jacket, jeans and sunglasses. Gabriel says, "I need to know who you are so that I can determine whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?” The man replies, “I!m Morris Levy, taxi driver, from Brooklyn.” Gabriel consults his list, smiles and says to the taxi driver, "OK. Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." Now it!s the rabbi!s turn. He stands upright and says, “I am Rabbi Herman Bronstein and I have been rabbi at Temple Sinai in Los Angeles for forty years.” Gabriel looks at his list and says to the rabbi, “OK. Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." "Hold on a minute, that guy before me was a taxi driver – why did he get a silken robe and golden staff?" "Up here, we only work by results," says Gabriel. "While you preached, people slept – but while he drove, people prayed."
method. He draws the circle, but whatever lands outside the circle, he gives to God, and whatever lands inside, he keeps. The rabbi has a different method of dividing the money. He throws all the money up in the air. Whatever God doesn’t want, he keeps.
Rabbis Green, Schwartz and Goldman were progressive Reform rabbis and were talking about the recent advances made by their synagogues. Rabbi Green said, “We!re very modern – we allow mobile phones to be used during services – we even have recharging points all over the synagogue.” “Well,” said Rabbi Schwartz, “we!ve installed a snack bar at the back of the synagogue for those who feel hungry or thirsty during services –we serve falafel in pitta and hot salt beef with latkes and new green cucumbers.” “That!s nothing to what we do,” said Rabbi Goldman. “We close our synagogue for the Jewish holidays,”
about it on Shabbos, but how much are you asking for it?" "Not to talk about it on Shabbos, but $13,000." "Not to talk about it on Shabbos, but I!ll give you $12,000 for it." “Not to talk about it on Shabbos, but let me think about it." They meet again in the synagogue Shabbos afternoon. "Not to talk about it on Shabbos, but did you think about my offer?" Harold asks."Not to talk about it on Shabbos, but I already sold it, " answers Mort.
A doctor says to his patient, $"I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you!re not a hypochondriac."
George Cohen came home from the Reform synagogue one Saturday with a black eye. "George, what ever happened?" asked his wife. "Well," said George, “during the service, we had to stand several times and on one occasion I noticed that Mrs Levy, who was sitting in front of me, had her dress stuck in the crease of her
Day 208: A Dress
Day 207: Good News
Day 206: Reform Rabbis
Day 209: Gay Synagogue
One Sabbath, Micky Feldman discovers a gay synagogue in Brooklyn. . He!s thrilled. It’s exactly what he had been looking for. There!s a gay cantor and a gay rabbi, and the congregation is mostly gay. On Friday night he joins in the service. Soon, however, he just can!t help noticing a handsome young man sitting next to him. Hard as he tries, he can!t stop himself —he puts his hand on the man!s knee. Immediately two large men rush over to Mickey, carry him out of the synagogue and throw him out into the street. As he picks himself up, he says, “Why on earth did you have to do that? I thought this was a gay synagogue.” It is,”one of them replies. “But nobody messes with the rebbitsen (rabbi’s wife).”
toches (rear).” "And what happened?" "Well," said George, "it was like this. My friend Frank saw it. He leaned over and carefully pulled out the dress. But I know that Mrs Levy doesn!t like this – so I tucked it back in again!”
Day 210: A Doctor
Marilyn Pincus went to her doctor and confessed to an embarrassing problem. "I fart all the time, doctor, but they! re soundless and they have no odour. In fact, since I!ve been here, I!ve farted at least twenty times. What can I do?" "Here! s your prescription," said the doctor. "Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week!s time." The next week, an upset Marilyn marched into the doctor!s office. "Doctor, I don!t know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I!m farting just as much, and they!re still soundless, but
Day 211: A Checkup
now they smell terrible!” "Calm down, Marilyn,” said the doctor. . "Now that we!ve fixed your sinuses, we!ll work on your hearing."
Day 212: Services
Rabbi Fox was, as usual, standing near the synagogue exit shaking hands as his congregation left. But as Harold Cohen was leaving, Rabbi Fox grabbed his hand, pulled him aside and said, “Harold, I think you need to join the Army of God!” “But I’m already in God’s Army, Rabbi,” said Harold. “So how come I don’t see you in shul except on Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur?” said Rabbi Fox. Harold whispered, “I’m in the secret service.”
At Marty Feldman's recent medical check up, his doctor asked him a few questions: Question: How do you feel? Answer: How should I feel? Question: What hurts you? Answer: What doesn’t hurt me? Question: When do you feel bad? Answer: When don’t I feel bad? Question: When did it start? Answer:When will it end?
Day 213: Car Accident
Bernie Feld, an elderly Jew, is bumped by a car while crossing the street. He is seemingly unhurt, but Helen his wife, persuades him to go to the doctor, just in case. Bernie returns home, and Helen
Dr Morris Goldstein, the psychiatrist, got a postcard one morning from one of his patients. It read, "Having a wonderful time. Wish you were here so you could tell me why."
says, "So? What did the doctor say?" "Oy ! A flucky! Terrible.” “ What do you do for a flucky?" his wife asks. "I don’t know – he didn’t say and I forgot to ask." Helen is in a state of high anxiety. She tells her neighbours, "My Bernie was hit by a car, and now he has a flucky. I don’t know what to do." One neighbour says, "In the old country, when someone had a flucky, we always applied cold. Cold is the best thing for a flucky." Another neighbour says, "What are you talking about? Cold is absolutely the worst thing you could do for a flucky. We always applied heat, that’s the only thing to do for a flucky." “Cold, heat. Oy!" Now thoroughly agitated, Sarah decides to call the doctor herself. "Doctor, please tell me, what’s wrong with my husband?" "I told him," says the doctor. "Nothing's wrong. He got off lucky."
Day 214: Anaesthetic
The dentist told Max Goldstein that he needed a tooth removed right away. The dentist asked, "Do you want a local anaesthetic" Max shook his head and said, "Let’s not pinch pennies, Doctor. Get the best – use imported."
Day 216: Bedtime
Day 215: A Postcard
Day 217: In Hospital
Day 218: A Difficult Day
Philp Steinberg was talking to his friend Irving Goldfarb. "Did you know," he said, “that I’m one of eighteen children?" "No I didn't," said Irving. "Why do you think your parents had so many children?" "The problem," he said, "was that my mum was hard of hearing. When mum and dad went to bed each night, dad would ask, ‘Do you want to go to sleep, or what?’ And mum would say, ‘What?'"
"It’s been a rough day." says Morris Hirschfeld. "I got up this morning, put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I’m afraid to go to the bathroom."
Sam Goldstein was 75 years old and had a medical problem that needed complicated surgery. Because his son was a renowned surgeon, Sam insisted that he perform the operation. As he lay on the operating table waiting for the anaesthetic, he asked to speak to his son. "Yes dad, what is it?" "Don’t be nervous," he said to his son, do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if God forbid something should happen to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife."
Day 219: Dinner
Day 221: Exhaustion
Phyllis Putnik called the doctor to check on her husband Ernest. He didn’t seem to be at all well. After the doctor had examined him, he said to Phyllis: "Your husband is very exhausted and
Day 220: Psychoanalyst
Zelda Green is having a very troublesome time with her teenage son. They are always screaming at each other and sometimes fighting. So she takes him to see a psychoanalyst. After several sessions, the doctor calls Zelda into his office and tells her, ‘Your son has an Oedipus complex." "Oedipus, Shmedipus," answers Zelda, "As long as he loves his mother."
Manny Schwartz was eating in the local restaurant when he noticed an elderly couple at another table. They ordered one plate of salt beef and potato salad, one drink and one extra glass. As he watched, the old man carefully divided the salt beef and potato salad into two portions. Then he poured half the drink into the extra glass and put it in front of his wife. Then he began to eat as his wife sat there watching, her hands folded in her lap. Manny asked them whether they would accept him buying them an extra meal so that they didn’t have to split theirs. The old man said, "Oh, no, that’s very kind. We’ve been married fifty years now, and everything has always been and will always be shared fifty-fifty." Manny then asked the old lady why she wasn’t eating. She replied, “I t’s his turn first with the teeth"
Day 222: Discovery
fatigued and needs a lot of peace and quiet. If you want to help him recover, please take one tranquilliser, four times per day."
Manny Fine and Maurice Goldstein are walking near Central Park in New York. when Manny suddenly says to Maurice, "Don’t look! Don’t look! Here comes my wife and my mistress." Bernie sneaks a peak and says, "What a coincidence, I was going to say the same thing!"
Day 223: Delivery
Sadie Goldfarb just stepped out of the shower when she heard her doorbell ring. “Who is it?’ she shouted downstairs. "It’s the blind man," came the reply. Sadie decided it didn’t matter if she opened the door without any clothes on because the man was blind. In fact she thought it would be a rather daring thing to do. So she opened the door wide and he said, ‘It’s Feldman's Department Store. Where do you want me to put these blinds?"
Day 224: A Brothel
Sam Pincus, an elderly man, goes to a brothel and tells the madam that he would like a beautiful, young lady for the night. The madam gives him a quick look-over and is rather puzzled. So she
Day 227: Golf
Sidney Bronfman enters a Catholic church and confronts the priest. "'I am 93 years old," he says. "My wife is 91. We have been happily married for 64 years. Last week I had crazy sex with a 27year-old super-model." The priest is aghast. "Why don’t you go to confession, old man?" "Why should a Jewish man such as myself go to confession?” The priest is confused.”If you’re Jewish, why are you telling me this story?" Sidney says:“I’m telling everyone!”
asks him, "How old are you?" "Why," replies Moshe, "I’m ninetyeight years old today." "Ninety-eight!" the madam exclaims. "Don’t you realise you’ve had it" "Oh," he says, "in that case, how much do I owe you?"
Marsha Goldstein, an elderly lady, is sitting at home one day when her phone rings. She picks it up and says, "Hello." A male voice says, "Hello. I can tell from your voice that you would love me to come round to your house, take off your blouse, bra and panties, and make mad passionate love to you.” Masha replies, "From one ‘hello’ you can tell all this?"
Day 225: Phone Call
Day 226: Confession
Day 228: Good News
Day 229: National Costume
Becky Sternberg is nearly ten years old. One day, she comes home from school and says to her father, "Daddy, I need a national costume. My teacher told all of the class to come to school next Monday wearing our national dress." "Oy Vay!” he cries. "She’s not even ten, already, and she wants a mink coat."
Joe Morgenstern goes to see his doctor because he isn’t feeling too well. After examining him, the doctor takes some samples and asks him to come back the following week for the results. When he returns, his doctor tells him, "I have some good news and some bad news for you. What do you want to hear first?" Joe replies, "Let me have the good news first" "OK,’ says the doctor, "they’re going to name the disease after you."
The night before their wedding, Gerald Rosen and his fiancé Carolyn were sharing confidences. Gerald said, "You must know something before we get married. I am a fanatic golfer. I eat, sleep and drink golf. Golf is my whole life. After we are married, I’ll try for some balance but I doubt whether I’ll succeed. Just understand – you’re marrying a golf addict." "I can live with that,’" said Carolyn, "now I’ll tell you my secret – I’m a hooker." "A hooker,” Gerald repeated. "I can live with that. Next time, keep your head down and your left arm straight, then swing through the ball …"
Benny Wolf had been married four times. He was now nearly eighty and went to see his doctor. When he was shown in, he said, "Doctor, I have to let you know that I am soon to be married for a fifth time—to an eighteen-year-old girl." His doctor replied, “This could be fatal, you know.” “Well,” Benny says,“if she dies, then she dies."
Day 231: Marriage
If you are Jewish, or an aspiring Jew, or married into a Jewish family, or work with Jews, or dating someone Jewish, there are certain things you must know in order to survive. Take this quiz to see if you’ve learned enough to function as a Jew:
(1) There are no Jews living in: a) sin; (b) Colorado; c) caravan parks. (2) In a Jewish household, the cleaning lady is expected to: a) do the windows; b) make latkes; c) attend all bar mitzvahs. (3) To make a good pet for a Jewish child, an animal must be: a) gentle; b) housebroken; c) stuffed. (4) Wilderness means: a) no running water; b) no electricity; c) no hot-and-sour soup. (5) The most popular outdoor sport among Jews is: a) jogging; b) tennis; (c) gasping over the neighbours’ swimming pool. (6) Jews never drive: a) unsafely; b) on Saturdays; c) eighteen-wheel lorries. (7) A Jewish skydiver is: a) careful; b) insured; c) an apparition. (8) No Jewish person in history has ever been known to: a) become a prostitute; b) deface a synagogue; c) remove the back of a TV set.. Mazel tov! if you answered c to all questions.
Day 230: A Jewish Quiz
Jerry Feldman, a Jewish magician, was playing to a packed London variety theatre. When he came to the point in his act where he needed someone to help him, he called up the strongestlooking man he could find in the audience. When he came up on stage, he handed him a rubber mallet and said, "When I put my head on this wooden block, hit me as hard as you can. And don’t worry. It won’t affect me at all." The man said, "OK, if you say so." Jerry put his head on the block and said, "OK, you can hit me now.” Ten years later he woke up in a hospital bed from a coma and yelled, "Ta-Da!"
Day 234: Indian Wedding
Sylvia Bloom had lived a good life, having been married four times. Now she stood before the Pearly Gates. The angel at the gates said to her, "I see that you first of all married a banker, then an actor, next a rabbi and lastly an undertaker. Why? This does not seem appropriate for a Jewish woman." "Oh yes it is," she replied. "It’s one for the money, two for the show, three to make ready and four to go."
Sam Gold calls his grandma from New Mexico. She says, "It’s so nice to hear your voice, my Sammeleh. Tell me, what’s new?" "I’m
Day 233: Heaven
Day 232: The Magician
On a new TV show, sixteen Jews are to be put in a flat near Central Park in New York.. Each week they vote out one member until there is a final survivor who gets $1 million. The rules are: No maid service. No use of credit cards. No food to be bought in or delivered, including Chinese food. All purchases to be retail. Outside trips to be by foot. No cars or taxis allowed. All workouts/ exercise to be done in regular sweatshirts – no designer labels. There will only be one phone for all sixteen and no call to last more than three minutes. No mobile phones allowed. No telephone calls to mother, or the office. Maintenance problems to be resolved without help from any gentile. No consulting with lawyers. So far there have been no applicants. .
Day 235: TV Show
getting married, grandma." "My Sammeleh is getting married, how wonderful. Tell me all about her, tell me about her family." "Well, they’re not like our people, grandma, they’re native Americans" "So, they’re first generation?” "No, grandma, you don’t understand. They live on a reservation." "Sammeleh, so what? Your own mother couldn’t cook at all until I taught her, and she was always making reservations." "No, grandma, you don’t understand. We’re getting married in a teepee." "Oh, that’s nice. Nu, so when is the wedding?" "But grandma, I have to tell you that you won’t be able to come to the wedding." "But why Sammeleh, your grandma has to be at your wedding?" "I’m sorry, but only native Americans and persons with Indian names can attend." “Well, then, I will be there." "How grandma, you don’t have an Indian name." "Yes Sammeleh, I do." "What, grandma, what’s your Indian name?” "Sitting Shivah (mourning period)."
Day 237: A Bar
Freddy Greenberg and several friends had been arguing for days. Which is more important? The sun or the moon? Eventually in desperation they agree to ask the rabbi. "Why the moon, of course," replied the rabbi after some pondering. "It shines at night, when it is needed. The sun, however, shines only during the day, when there is no need of it at all."
Melvin and Harold are sitting next to each other in a New York bar. After a while, Melvin looks at Harold and says, "I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Israel." Harold responds proudly, “I am.” Melvin says, "So am I! And where might you be from?” Harold answers, "I’m from Jerusalem." Melvin responds, "So am I! And where did you live?" Harold says, "About two miles east of King David’s Hotel. Not too far from the Old City." Melvin says, "Unbelievable! What school did you attend?" Harold answers, "Well, I attended the Hebrew University." Melvin gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?" Harold answers, ‘"I graduated in 1980." Melvin exclaims, "Amazing! This was destined by fate. God wanted us to meet! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it? I graduated from the Hebrew University in 1980 also." About this time, Fred Bloom enters the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. The bartender walks over to him shaking his head and mutters, "It’s going to be a long night tonight. The Feldman twins are drunk again."
Day 236: Sun or Moon
Day 238: Bodybuilding
This letter of complaint was received by the Director of a bodybuilding course. "Dear Sir, Since taking your bodybuilding course, I now have a 44-inch chest, a 32-inch waist, 17-inch biceps and an 18-inch neck. I feel absolutely marvellous but at the same time, I do feel that my chances of marriage are spoiled. Yours faithfully, Rebecca Greenstein."
Day 240: A Casino
Question: Why don’t Jews drink? Answer: It interferes with their suffering.
Sarah Feinberg, being still unmarried was bored one evening. So she decided to go to a casino for the first time ever and was persuaded to play roulette. She asked someone at the table the best way to pick a number. He suggested putting her money on her age. “It never fails,” he said. So she put ten chips on number 28. When the number 34 came up, she fainted.
Day 241: Gambling
Day 239: Liquor
Day 242: Golf
A rabbi, a minister and priest played poker every Wednesday. The problem was that they were living in Pinebluff, Colorado, a 'nogambling' small town. One day the sheriff raided their game and took them before the judge. After hearing the sheriff's story, the judge said to the priest: "Were you gambling, Father?" The priest whispered: "No your honour, I wasn't." Were you gambling Reverend? the judge asked the minister. The minister replied: "No, your honour, I was not." Turning to the rabbi, the judge asked: "Were you gambling, Rabbi?" Innocently the rabbi said: "With whom?"
Rabbi Joe Goldfarb is the rabbi of Temple Judah in Los Angeles. One day he takes off work and goes golfing at the Jewish country club. On the second hole he sees a frog who says: "9 Iron." Astonished, Joe looks at the frog, puts his other club away and grabs the 9 iron. He hits the ball ten inches from the hole. Amazed he says to the frog, “You must be lucky!" The frog replies: "I am a lucky frog!” Joe decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. The frog then says: "3 wood." Joe hits the ball and scores a hole in one. Astonished, he continues to take the frog's advice and plays one of the best games in his life. He then says to the frog: “what next?" The frog says: "Las Vegas.” They go to Las Vegas. The frog says: “Roulette.” On arrival at the roulette table, the frog says: “$4000 on black 13.” The ball lands on black 13 and mountains of cash slide across the table. Joe then takes his winnings and reserves the best room in the hotel. He then says to the frog. “I'm terribly grateful to you for winning all this money.”The frog says: “Kiss me.” With a kiss the frog turns into a gorgeous fifteen year old girl. “And that your honour, is how the girl ended up in my room.”
Day 243: Poker
Six retired Jewish men are playing poker. One evening in Jack Finestein’s house, Max Bloom loses $1200 one one hand, clutches his chest and drops dead. The other five continue playing but this time standing up to show respect for Max. Later Jack asks, “Who’s going to tell his wife?” They cut cards and George Stern loses. Before he leaves, he is advised to be discreet and kind and try not to make a terrible situation worse. “Discreet?” George says. “I’m the most discreet person there is. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me.” George then goes to Max’s house and rings the doorbell. Max’s wife comes to the door and says, ‘Nu what do you want?” George says, “Your husband just lost $1200 and is afraid to come home.” On hearing this, she yells: “SO, TELL HIM HE SHOULD DROP DEAD.” “Ok,” George says, “I’ll go and tell him.”
Two Jewish guys were talking one day about holidays. Max Fink says, "I think I am just about ready to book my winter holidays. But I'm doing it differently this time. In the past I always took your advice. Three years ago you said to go to Jerusalem. I went to Jerusalem and my wife Dorothy got pregnant. Then two years ago you told me to go to Bermuda and she got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Paris. And you know, she got pregnant a third time." "So what are you going to do differently?" Sam asks. "This year," he replies, "I'm taking her with me."
Day 244: Trip
Day 246: Horseradish
Day 245: A Train
The Jewish community in Spain discovered that they had no horseradish for making 'chrain" (horseradish and beetroot pickle) for Passover. In desperation the Spanish Chief Rabbi begged the Israeli Chief Rabbi to send him some horseradish by air freight. Three days before Passover a crate was loaded onto an El Al flight to Madrid. All seemed to be going smoothly, but when the Chief Rabbi went to the airport to collect the horseradish, he was shocked to learn that there was a strike and that nothing would be unloaded from the plane for at least four days. So, as it is said: "The chrain in Spain stayed mainly on the plane."
Max Feldman and Ruth Gold had never met before. They were travelling on the same overnight train from London to Edinburgh. Because the train was packed, they ended up in the same sleeping carriage. Max had the top bunk, and Ruth had the bottom bunk. After some embarrassment they both got to sleep. At 1 am Max leaned over and said to Ruth, "I'm sorry to disturb you, but I"m really cold. Could you please pass me another blanket." Ruth looked up at him and said, "I've got a much better idea: why don't we pretend we're married?" "Why not?" said Max. "That's a marvellous idea." "Good," said Ruth. "Go and get the blanket yourself."
Day 247: Holiday
Rachel Mankowicz goes to see a famous wizard and asks: "Is it possible to remove a curse I have been living with for the last 40 years?" The wizard replies: "It is possible. But you must tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you in the first place." Rachel says: "I now pronounce you man and wife."
Minnie Schwartz, an elderly lady, was sitting at her local restaurant in Los Angeles. Next to her were three nuns discussing where they planned to go on holiday. One nun says to the Mother Superior, "Let's go to Jerusalem." "No,” says the Mother Superior. "There are too many Jews there." The other nun says to the Mother Superior, "Let's go to New York." "No,” says the Mother Superior. "Also too many Jews there." The first nun makes another suggestion: "Let's go to Paris." The Mother Superior says: “No, too many Jews there too." Minnie has heard enough. She leans over and says to them in a loud Yiddish accent: "Vell, vhy don't you go to Hell. Dere are no Jews dere."
Day 248: Murder
Day 249: A Curse
In a small village in Poland, a terrifying rumour was spreading: A Christian girl had been found murdered. Fearing retaliation, the Jewish community gathered in the synagogue to plan whatever defensive actions were possible under the circumstances. Just as the emergency meeting was being called to order, in ran the president of the synagogue, out of breath and all excited. "I have wonderful news!” he cried out. "The murdered girl is Jewish!”
Mike Stein, Gerald Horowitz and Stanley Wagner who had all recently converted to Christianity were having a drink. They started talking about the reasons for their conversions. "I converted out of love,” said Mike. "Not for Christianity, but for a Christian girl. As you both know, my wife insisted that I convert." "I converted in order to rise in the legal system," Gerald said. "My recent appointment as a federal judge no doubt had something to do with my new religion.” Stanley then spoke up: "I converted because I think that the teachings of Christianity are superior to those of Judaism.” “Are you kidding?” said Mike spitting out his drink. "What do you take us for, a couple of goyim (non-Jews)?”
Melvin Finkelstein was on a business trip and had to use a public toilet. He had just made himself comfortable when he noticed that the toilet paper roll was empty. He called out to the next stall, "Excuse me, but do you have any toilet paper in there.” The person in the next stall said, "No, I’m afraid there doesn’t seem to be any here, either." Finkelstein paused for a moment. "Listen,” he said, "do you happen to have a newspaper or a magazine with you?” "Sorry, I don't.” Finkelstein paused again, and then said, "How about two fives for a ten?”
Day 250: Conversion
Day 251: Toilet Paper
Day 252: Hospital
Day 253: Race Track
On a windy day in New York City, a Hasidic scholar's fur hat flew off and was rescued by a man who returned it to the rabbi. The rabbi said, "Thank you, are you Jewish?" "No," said the man. "Well," said the rabbi, "I can't bless you, but I see an afternoon of great wealth for you." The man thinks, "I'll go to the horse track." He goes and looks at the programme and sees a horse named Top Hat in the next race. "An omen," he thinks, and bets $100 and wins. The next race has a horse named Stetson— again he bets it all and wins. The next race features a horse named Beret, and he wins again. He bets it all on the next race and loses everything. He goes home and tells his wife the story. "What horse did you bet on in the last race?" she asks. He
Two Jewish boys, Boris Marx and Jack Fine, were in hospital. They were lying on a stretcher next to each other outside the operating room. Boris leans over and asks Jack, “What are you in here for?" Jack says, "I’m getting my tonsils out. I’m a little nervous.” Boris says, "You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep and when you wake up, they give you lots of jello and ice cream.” Jack then asks, "What are you in here for?” Boris says, " a circumcision.” Jack replies, "Whoa, good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born and I couldn’t walk for a year.”
Day 254: Divorce
says, "Chateau—French for hat." "Idiot," she says. "Chapeau is French for hat—by the way, who won the race?' "I don't know," he says, "some Japanese horse called Yarmulka."
Day 255: Psychiatrist
Day 257: A Conversion
My wife divorced me for religious reasons. She worshipped money and I didn’t have any.
A German tourist comes to New York. On his first day he goes to Mickey Gross’s delicatessen. The waitress tells him the bagels were freshly made. On tasting one he exclaims: “Ach! We don’t have bagels like this in Germany!” Overhearing the conversation Mickey yells: “And whose fault is that?”
Mildred Ginsberg took her husband Milton to see a psychiatrist for a checkup. After examining him, the doctor said: "I have some very bad news for you. There is nothing I can do to help your husband. His mind has completely gone.” "I'm not surprised," said Mildred. “He's been giving me a piece of it every day for the last fifty years.”
Day 256: Bagels
Day 258: Shopping
Day 259: Airplane
A Jewish father was very troubled by the way his son turned out and went to see his rabbi about it. "Rabbi, I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive Bar Mitzvah. It cost a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week, he’s decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?” The rabbi stroked his beard and said, "Funny you should ask. I too, brought up my son as a boy of faith, sent him to university. It cost a fortune. Then one day he comes to me and tells me he wants to be a Christian.” “What did you do?” "I turned to God for the answer,” replied the rabbi. "What did he say?” asked the man. He said, "Funny you should ask..."
Joshua Rabinowicz and his son Joseph emigrated from a small village in Poland to New York. They had never been to a shopping mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two silver elevator doors that opened and closed. Joseph asked his father, "What's this?" His father said, "Son, I have never seen anything like it in my life, I don't know what it is!" While they were watching a wide-eyed grumpy old woman shuffled up to the doors and pressed a button. The doors opened and the lady went inside. The doors closed. They watched the small circles of lights with numbers above the doors light up. The doors opened up again and a beautiful young woman stepped out. Smiling, the father turned to Joshua and said, "Go get your mother."
Molly Mankowicz and her daughter Jessica were coming home from shopping in a taxi. Jessica notices a group of scantily dressed women on a street corner and asks her mother what they
As the plane landed at Ben Gurion airport, the voice of the captain announced: "Please remain in your seats with your seatbelt fastened until the plane is at a complete standstill and the seat belt signs have been turned off. To those of you standing in the aisles, we wish you a Happy Chanukah. To those who have remained in their seats, we wish you a Merry Christmas.”
Day 260: Chinese Restaurant
Walking through Chinatown in London, Manny Feldman is fascinated by all the shops and banners. He turns a corner and sees a sign: "Solomon Cohen's Chinese Restaurant." "Can that be?" he wonders. He walks in and asks: “How did this place get a name like Solomon Cohen's Chinese Restaurant?" An old man answers: "Is name of owner." "Who’s the owner?" "Me," says the old man. "You? How did you ever get a name like Solomon Cohen?" "Simple," he says. "Many years ago when come to England, I stand in line at Documentation Centre. Man in front is Jewish gentleman from Poland. Lady look at him and say: ‘What your name?’ He say: 'Solomon Cohen' Then she look at me and say: ‘What your name?’ I say, ‘Sem Ting.’”
Day 261: Taxi
Milt Steinberg was at his golf club and went into the clubhouse to ask if anyone could offer him a lift home. "Sure," said Abe Ginsberg. "My Rolls Royce is just outside." As they were driving along, Milt said: "What's that thing ticking on the dashboard?” "That's a digital clock," said Abe. “And what's that square thing
are doing. Mrs. Manknowicz says: "They're waiting for their husbands to return from work." Hearing this, the taxi driver says: "Come on lady, don't lie to your daughter. Tell her the truth." Without asking permission, he then turns to Jessica and says: “They're hookers, that's who they are." Jessica then says: "Mummy, don't these ladies have any children?” Mrs Mankowicz replies: "Of course they do, darling, where do you think taxi drivers come from?"
Day 262: Space Shuttle
NASA had sent many shuttles to orbit the earth including passengers of all races, colour and creed. But they realised they hadn't invited the clergy to be astronauts. So they asked a priest and a rabbi to orbit the earth. On their return, they went straight to the media room to give impressions of their experience. The priest was exultant. He said: "I saw the sun rise and set, the beautiful oceans. It was wonderful." But the rabbi came into the room completely disheveled. He threw his hands in the air and said, "Enjoy? Oy vay. You must be joking. Every few minutes the sun was rising and setting. So, it was on with the tefillin, off with the tefillin, mincha, maariv, mincha, maariv. Oy gevalt!"
Day 263: Rolls Royce
Jack Greenberg and Melvin Gross make the first manned flight to Mars. Upon landing, they are faced with two green Martians. "How do we make contact?" asks Jack. “They look pretty primitive. Let's impress them with our technology." Melvin takes out a cigarette lighter from his spacesuit. The Martians look interested. "I think it's working," he says. He then turns the wheel and a flame shoots out. Immediately the Martians’ faces turn from green to red."Hey," Jack says. “They must be impressed." Then one of the Martians reaches out his little green finger, points at Melvin, frowns and says sternly: "Shabbos!"
Day 264: Mars
Day 266: Breakfast
with a map on it?" "That's my SatNav," said Abe. A few minutes later, Milt started to ask. 'What's that..?" "Hold on a minute," said Abe, "I can see you've never been in a Rolls Royce before." "Never in the front seat," said Milt.
Day 265: Forgetting
Question: What is Jewish Alzheimer’s Disease? Answer: It’s when you forget everything but the guilt.
Esther Morris went down for breakfast in her Miami Beach hotel. She noticed another guest sitting alone and asked if she could join her. "Hello, my dear," she said. "I see you're not from around
Mickey Nussbaum was taking his first flight on a jet airplane. Nervous and on the verge of nausea, he watched as a huge Arab with long flowing robes sat in the seat next to him. After take-off the Arab fell asleep and Mickey yearned to go to the lavatory. But he feared waking the sleeping giant beside him. Finally he became so sick that he threw up over the Arab's robes. Ten minutes later the Arab woke up and was shocked to see the mess on his clothes. Micky smiled, and said: "You feel better now?"
Day 267: Airplane
Morris and Sylvia Greenstein had been married for fifty years. On their anniversary, they were in bed. Feeling romantic Sylvia says: "I remember when you used to kiss me all the time." Morris leans over and gives her a gentle peck on the check. "I also remember," she continues, “when you used to hold my hand at every opportunity." Morris gently places his hand on hers. "I also remember when you used to nibble on my neck.” Morris gets out of bed and walks toward the bathroom. "Was it something I said, Morris? Where are you going?" Sighing Morris replies: "I'm going to the bathroom to get my teeth."
Day 268: Anniversary
here." "No," she replied. "I’m from Mars." "Really," Esther said. "Do all Martian women have green skin like yours?" "Yes" "And do all Martian women have eight fingers on each hand like you?" "Yes." "And do all Martian women have three eyes like you do?" "Yes." "And do all Martian women have so many diamonds?" "No--not the goyim (non-Jews).”
The following conversation took place between President Richard Nixon and Prime Minister Golda Meir:
Day 270: Locker Room
Golda Meir: "You have no idea how tough it is being a citizen in a country with 2 million Prime Ministers."
Several men are in the locker room of a Jewish golf club in Los Angeles when a mobile phone rings. Morris Mendelssohn picks it up and puts it on speakerphone. “Hello," he says."Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" "Yes," says Morris. "Well, I'm at the shopping centre. I've found a beautiful mink coat. It costs "$3000. Can I buy it?" "Sure," says Morris. "Great," she says. "And I also stopped by the Jaguar dealership. There's a wonderful red Jaguar saloon in the showroom...I really liked it." "How much is it?” asks Morris. "$75,000." "Go ahead," he says. "And sweetie," she continues. "Just one more thing. That house we looked at on the market for $1,200,000. It's still for sale." Morris says, "Well, go ahead and buy it, but don't offer any more than the selling price." "Ok,'"she says, “I'll see you later. I love you." "Bye, I love you too," says Morris. The other men in the locker room who heard all of this conversation look at Morris with astonishment. Then Morris shouts out loud: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
Day 269: Two Leaders
Nixon: "You have no idea how tough it is being President in a country with 200 million citizens."
Day 273: Friday Night Closing
Day 272: An Allergy
A Martian runs into some turbulence and makes a rough landing in Brooklyn. After he gets out of his spaceship, he sees that one of his wheels is broken. So he walks towards some shops to see if he can find a replacement. When he comes across a shop with a sign showing a wheel, he goes inside and gets the attention of the owner, Boris Cohen. “Excuse me,” he says, "I'd like to buy a wheel." "Wheel?" says Boris. "We don't have wheels here." "Then what are those things in the window?" “Oh, those aren't wheels. They're bagels." "What do you use them for?" asks the Martian. "We eat them," and he hands a bagel to the Martian. The Martian takes a taste. "Hey," he says, "I bet these would go great with cream cheese and lox."
George Cohen and Harry Ginsburg were having lunch. Harry looked glum. “What's the matter?" George asked. "Is everything ok?" "It's my wife," Harry replied. “She's got a bad allergy. Every time she sees another woman wearing a mink coat, she gets sick.”
Day 271: A Wheel
Day 275: Portrait
Jack Bloomfield closed his shop on Friday and headed for the synagogue not realising his fly was unzipped. At the entrance he met Mrs. Finestein, the president of the Ladies Auxiliary. "I don't like to say this, but your business is open," she said. "You’re mistaken," said Bloomfield. "Believe me," said Mrs. Finestein, "your business is open.” "You're nuts," he said as he marched into the service. "I close the store every Friday to come here." Later at home, he saw that his fly was open and realised that Mrs. Finestein had been trying to tell him so. The next day he telephoned her. "I want to apologise," he said. "But tell me. When my business was open, was my salesman in or out?"
Day 274: Janitor
Jack Goldblum ran into the janitor on his way out of his Brooklyn apartment building. "How do you like working here?” he asked. "Oh, I love working for the Jews!” said the janitor. "In fact, I'll tell you a little secret, I’ve made love to every woman in this building — except one!” Goldblum rushed upstairs. "You know what the janitor just told me,” he exclaimed to his wife. "He's made love to every woman in this building except one!” “Well,” said his wife, "it must be that stuck-up Mrs. Feinstein on the second floor!”
Hattie Gardenschwartz had her portrait painted. When it was finished, the artist presented it to her. "What do you think?" he asked. "It's lovely," she said. “But I want you should add a gold bracelet on each wrist. And a pearl necklace, ruby earrings, and
By mistake Barry Gottesfeld walked into the women's locker room of an exclusive country club in the suburbs of Los Angeles and started taking a shower. Suddenly he heard three female voices. Realising where he was, he wrapped a towel around his head and walked toward the exit. "Thank goodness," said one of the ladies staring at his nakedness, “it's not my husband!" "He's not mine either," said another. "Girls," said the third. "He's not even a member of the club!"
Day 276: Ten Commandments
emerald and diamond rings." "But," said the artist. “Why would you want me to ruin the painting in this way?" "My husband is running around with his secretary," she said. "And if I die, I want her to go crazy looking for the jewellery.”
Day 277: Country Club
God first went to the Egyptians and asked them if they would like a commandment. “What’s a commandment?” they asked. “Well, one of them goes: ‘Thou shalt not commit adultery,’” replied God. The Egyptians thought about it and said, “No way, that would ruin our weekends.” So then God went to the Assyrians and asked them if they would like a commandment. They asked, “What’s a commandment?” “Well,” said God, “one says, ‘Thou shalt not steal.’” The Assyrians immediately replied, “Sorry, it would ruin our economy.” So finally God went to the Jews and asked them if they wanted a commandment. They asked “How much?” God said, “They’re free.” The Jews said, “Great. We’ll take ten.”
Day 278: Marriage Broker
In a small village in Russia, a marriage broker was trying to arrange a match between a beautiful young Jewish girl and Hyman Goldblum, a rich businessman. But Goldblum was stubborn. "Before I buy goods," he insisted, "I take samples. Before I get married, I gotta have a sample." "But," said the marriage broker, "you can't ask a decent, respectable girl for something like that." "I am a businessman," Goldblum insisted. “That's the way it has to be." Reluctantly the marriage broker went to talk to the girl. "I found just the man for you," she said. "He's rich. But rather eccentric. He says a good business man won't go into anything blind. He insists on a sample." "Listen," said the girl, "I'm as good at business as he is. Sample I won't give him. But I will give him references."
Day 279: Florida
Herman Wolf went to Miami Beach for his health and swam in the ocean every day. But two weeks later he died of a heart attack. His body was flown back to New York for the funeral. Two of his friends, Jack Bloom and Mordecai Schwartz, came to see him as he lay in the casket. “Doesn't he look wonderful," said Mordecai. "Yeah," said, Jack. "Those two weeks in Florida did him a world of good."
Day 280: Guru
Sadie Zimmerman slowly climbed three flights of stairs, opened a carved mahogany door and walked into an exotically furnished reception room. A gong sounded and out of a cloud of incense appeared a beautiful oriental brunette. "Do you,” she said softly, "wish to meet with his omnipotence, the wise, all-knowing, allseeing guru, Maharishi Brahman?” “Yeah,” said the grey-haired woman. "Tell Sheldon his grandmother is here from the Bronx!”
Comments during sex with husbands:
Jewish wife: "Oy, Sidney, the ceiling needs painting."
Italian wife: “Oh, Silvio, you are the world's greatest lover!” French wife: "Jacques, you are marvellous! More! More!”
Day 282: Curses
"May all your teeth fall out except one and that should have a "Maytoothache.”yourwife be a witch who takes after her mother, and may you all live together in a one- room house.”
Day 281: In Bed
Day 283: Priest
Day 285: Czarist Russia
Jack Gold converts and becomes a Roman Catholic priest. He conducts his first Mass in front of a number of high-ranking priests who came for the event. At the end of his sermon, the Cardinal congratulates him. "That was a wonderful sermon," he says, “But there is just one little thing. Next time, try not to start your sermon with 'My fellow goyim (non-Jews)’."
Day 284: Caretaker
Mickey Sternberg, the son of Polish Jewish immigrants, applies for a job as the janitor at Temple Israel in Queens. The synagogue committee are on the point of offering him the job when they discover that he is illiterate. They decide it would be inappropriate to have an illiterate janitor. So he leaves and decides to forge a career in business. He chooses to sell plastic goods door to door. He does well and buys a Ford. Later he opens a store, and then another and another. Finally he establishes a chain of stores and applies to the underwriter, Manny Strauss, for insurance. But when Manny asks him to sign the contract it becomes obvious he cannot write. Shocked to discover that such a successful man has no eduction, Manny says: "Just think what you could have been if you had learned to read and write.” “Yes", says Mickey, "a janitor at Temple Israel."
Boris Mendelssohn, a Jewish tailor, walks by a czarist police inspector in the street. The inspector is furious that the Jew has neglected to doff his hat in the required manner. “Jew,” he cries
Hillel Levi, an Orthodox young man from Israel, who had gone to New York University some years earlier returned home to visit his family. "But, Hillel," his mother complained, 'where is your beard?" "Mother," he replied, "in New York, nobody wears a beard." "But at least you keep the Sabbath?" "Mother, business is business. In New York everybody works on the Sabbath." "But kosher food you still eat?" "Mother, in New York, it's very difficult to keep kosher." Then silence as his mother gives some thought to what she has just learned. Then she leans over and whispers in his ear: "Hillel, tell me, are you still circumcised?"
Day 286: Homecoming
Day 287: A Musician
A classical musician was performing a recital in Israel. As he concluded his performance he was astounded by the cries from the audience: "Play it again!" He was incredibly moved by this response, and gladly did so. As he finished a second time, he was astonished to hear their demands once more: "Play it again!" He bowed to the audience, wiped a tear from his eye, and said, "I have never felt more humbled. Truly it is the greatest wish of any musician to have such an appreciative audience. And I would
out. “What do you mean by this insolence? Where are you from?”
“From Minsk,” replies Mendelssohn meekly. “And what about your hat?” the inspector demands. “Also from Minsk,” replies Mendelssohn.
Day 288: Optimist
An Austrian Jew, sensing Ηitler’s imminent takeover of his country, is considering various options for emigration. He goes to a travel agent for advice. The agent takes out a large globe and begins discussing the entry requirements of various countries. It soon becomes clear that many of the options are beset with difficulties. One country requires a labour permit. The second country does not recognise the Austrian passport. The third has
A group of elderly Jewish men meet every Wednesday in a coffee shop in Miami. They drink their coffee and sit for hours discussing the world situation. Usually their discussions are very negative. One day, however, Micky Bernstone surprises his friends by announcing: “You know what? I’ve become an optimist!” Everyone is shocked. All conversation dries up. But then one of the group says: “Hold on, Mickey If you’re an optimist, why are you looking so worried?” Micky replies: “Do you think it’s easy being an optimist?”
dearly love to play it for you again, but, sadly, I have to go to Tel Aviv, where I am due to give another concert this evening." At this point a voice from the crowd was heard: “You must stay here and play it again until you get it right.”
Day 289: Globe
Day 290: Sex Education
Shelia Smolonsky was attending her very first sex education class at school. During the lesson she asks: "Miss, do you think my mother could get pregnant?" The teacher asks: "How old is your mother?" Shelia replies, "She's 38." The teacher says: “Yes, Shelia,” she could get pregnant." Shelia then asks: "Miss, can my big sister also get pregnant?" The teacher asks: "How old is your sister?" Shelia says: "She's 18." The teacher says: "Yes, she can certainly get pregnant." Then Shelia asks: "Can I get pregnant?" The teacher asks: "How old are you Shelia?" “I'm seven." The teacher says: "No, you can't get pregnant." Little Max Gold who is sitting next to her, pokes Shelia and says: "See, I told you you had nothing to worry about."
strict money requirements for new arrivals. The fourth doesn’t want any immigrants, especially Jews. Finally, in desperation the Jew asks, “haven’t you got another globe?”
Joel Finch is beside himself – his wife is in bed and it’s clear she’s dying. Nothing will revive her – not water, not whisky, not food of any kind. "Is there anything I can do to bring you joy in your last moments?” he pleads. "Well, there is one thing," she replies, "I’d like to have intercourse with you, one last time." Joel obliges. Miraculously, his wife is completely revivified. She’s not only better, she’s better than ever. She leaps out of bed, ready for anything. Joel seeing this, bursts into tears. "Whatever’s wrong?’" she asks. "Aren’t you pleased to see me so well? We’ll have many
Day 291: A Remedy
Day 292: Psychiatrist
The female always makes the rules. The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notice. No male can possibly know all the rules.
If the female suspects the male knows all the rules, she must immediately change some or all of the rules. The female is never wrong.
more happy years together." " It’s not that," sobs Joel, "It's just got me thinking – I could have saved Mother!"
Day 293: Mother's Lament
An apology without flowers is not an apology. The female may change her mind at any time.
If the above applies, the male must apologise immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
Mickey Goldstein goes to see a psychiatrist. “Doctor,” he says, “I’ve been talking to myself.” Don’t worry about that,” says the psychiatrist. “Many people do the same thing.” “I know,” Mickey says. “But you don’t know what a nudnik (bore) I am.”
Day 294: Jewish women’s rules:
If the female is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding, which was a direct result of something the male did or said wrongly.
"Is one Nobel Prize too much to ask from a child, after all I've done?"
The male must not inquire whether the woman will be ready. The male is expected to mind-read at all times.
The female must, under no circumstances, let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset. The female is ready when she is ready. The male must be ready at all times.
The male may not point out that the female has changed her mind. The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time. The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.
Love is losing your appetite--marriage is losing your figure.
Day 296: Comedian
Love is dinner for two at the Ritz--marriage is a Chinese Lovetakeaway.iscuddling on the sofa--marriage is deciding which sofa.
Love is talking about having kids--marriage is talking of getting a break from kids.
Day 295: Love versus Marriage
Love is holding hands in the street--marriage is holding arguments in the street.
Love is a flickering flame--marriage is a flickering TV.
The male must never change his mind at any time without the express consent of the female.
The male must earn the respect of the female by giving his life up in service to her needs and the nurturing of her character.
Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible? Samson: he brought the house down.
It was a lovely sunny morning in the forest where the bear family Rubenstein live. There was mommy bear Sarah, daddy bear Solomon, and baby bear Max. Max bear goes downstairs for breakfast and as usual sits down in his small chair at the end of the table. He looks at his small plate and guess what? It's empty. 'Who's been eating my bagel?" he asks. Solomon bear then makes an appearance and sits in his big chair. He looks at his plate and guess what? It too is empty. "Who's been eating my bagels?" he roars. Hearing all this complaining, Sarah bear puts her head through the serving hatch and shouts at Solomon and Max: "How many times do we have to go through this? It was mommy bear who got up first. It was mommy bear who woke up everybody in the house. It was mommy bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was mommy bear who set the breakfast table, who filled the cat's milk and food dishes, and who cleaned the litter box and took the dog for a walk. And now that you two have finally decided to get out of bed and grace me with your presence, listen carefully because I'm only going to say this one more time: I haven't made the damn bagels yet..."
George Milstein was reading an article out loud to his wife. “Did you know that women use about thirty thousand words a day, whereas men only use fifteen thousand words?” His wife Rebecca
Day 297: Breakfast
Day 298: Men and Women
On Morris Fine the plumber’s truck: “I repair what your husband Alsofixed.”on Morris the plumber’s truck: ‘Don’t sleep with a drip. Call Onme.”Bennie Cohen’s Pizza shop: “Seven days without pizza makes one Alsoweak.”onBennie Cohen’s Pizza shop: “Buy my pizza. I knead the Ondough.”Saul Bronfman the plastic surgeon’s office: “Hello. Can I pick your nose?”
On Herald Glickstein the electrician’s truck: “Let me remove your shorts.”
Over a gynecologist’s office: “Dr Sidney Levy at your cervix.”
At Jack Gold’s radiator shop: “Best place in town to take a leak.”
On a maternity-room door at a Jewish hospital: “Push. Push. AtPush.”Sam Goldman the optomertrist’s office: “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”
At Jack Grimes the veterinarian’s waiting room: “Be back in five minutes. Sit! Stay!”
Day 300: Car Accident
replies: “The reason has to be because a woman has to say everything twice.” George turns to her and asks: “What?”
The following signs have been spotted:
At Saul Steinberg the podiatrist’s office: Time wounds all heels.”
At Stanley Schwartz’s restaurant window: “Don’t stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up.”
Day 299: Signs
Day 301: Ancestry
At 87 Max Greenberg is hit by a car and lies bleeding on the pavement. A policeman arrives and seeing the state he is in immediately calls for a priest and an ambulance. The priest arrives first. He bends over Max and says: “Do you believe in the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost?” Max lifts his head, opens his eyes wide, turns to the crowd that gathered around him and says, “Here I am, lying here in the street, and this schmendrick (idiot) is asking me riddles.”
At a fancy dinner party in New York, the following conversation was overheard: “My ancestry goes back all the way to Thomas Jefferson,” said Christine McDonald, a high society lady. She then turned to Selma Goldberg and asked: “How far back does your family go?” “I don’t know,” she replied. “All our records were lost in the Flood.”
Day 302: Doctor's Office
Mrs. Gloria Fineberg takes her sixteen year-old daughter Sylvia to see Dr Birnbaum. The doctor says: "Ok, what's the problem?" Gloria says: "It's my daughter. She keeps getting these cravings. She's putting on weight. And is sick most mornings." The doctor gives Sylvia a full examination. Then he turns to her mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your daughter is pregnant. About three months..." Mrs. Fineberg says: "Pregnant?
Day 303: Train Journey
She can't be. She's never ever been left alone with a man. Have you Sylvia?” "No, mother," she says. "I've never even kissed a man." Dr Birnbaum walks over to the window and stares out of it. Five minutes pass; finally, Gloria says: "Is there something wrong out there doctor?" Birnbaum replies: "No not really. It's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the sky, and three wise men came over the hill. I certainly don't want to miss it."
A priest and a rabbi were sharing a compartment on a train. After some time, the priest put down his book and said: "I know that in your religion you're not supposed to eat pork. but have you really never tasted it?" The rabbi closed his newspaper and said, "To tell the truth, I have. On the odd occasion." The rabbi then asked: "I know that in your religion you're supposed to be celibate..." The priest interrupted. "Yes, I know what you're going to ask. Yes, I have succumbed to temptation once or twice." The two continued with their reading--there was silence for some while. Then the rabbi peeked around his newspaper and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?"
Charlie Weissman says to his father, “I want to get married.” His father says, “For that son, you have to have a girlfriend.” Charlie says, “But I’ve found a girl.” “Who?” says his father. “My grandma.” “Let me get this straight,” the father says: “You want
Day 304: Marriage
Day 305: The Rabbi's Sermon
Rabbi Harold Fox had just accepted a role as assistant rabbi at Temple Sinai in Detroit. The senior rabbi, Fred Goldblum, had a wicked sense of humour. One day, Rabbi Fox said to Rabbi Goldblum, "You know I told you during my interview that I had won many prizes in rabbinical seminary for my sermons. Well, I don't think there is a subject in the world I could not instantly find a Biblical text for and then incorporate it into my sermon." Rabbi Goldblum replied: "Well, it's your turn to give a sermon next Shabbos. But there is no need for you to prepare it in advance. Instead, when you get into the pulpit, you will find a sealed envelope and inside the envelope will be a single sheet of paper on which I will have written a one-word topic. I challenge you to find any kind of text that will fit." On the day, Rabbi Fox walked up the steps to the pulpit, opened the envelope, looked at the sheet of paper on which was written "constipation" and started his sermon: "And Moses took the two tablets and went off down the mountain..."
One hot summer's day in Brooklyn, Lester Fineberg steps out of the shower and says to his wife, Judy: "It's just too hot to wear any clothes today. What do you think the neighbours would say if I mowed the lawn without anything on?" Judy replies: "That I married you for your money."
Day 306: Nudity
to marry my mother? You can’t do that.” “Well why not?” says Charlie. “You married mine.”
Day 309: Mix Up
Harvey Horowitz goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife Ruth's test results. The receptionist tells him: "I'm sorry. But there has been a mix-up. When we sent your wife's samples to the lab, they got mixed up with samples from another Mrs. Horowitz and we don't know which one is your wife's. The bottom line is that the situation is either bad or terrible." “What do you mean?” he asks. “Well,”says the receptionist, “one Mrs. Horowitz has tested positive for Alzheimer's disease and the other for syphilis. We can't tell which is which. And your private medical insurance
Day 307: Cash Dispenser
Question: What did the Jewish Mother cash dispenser say to her Answer:customer?“You never write, you never call and you only visit me when you need money.”
Day 308: An Examination
Selma Epstein went to see her doctor. When he asked her about her problem, she replied that she was suffering from a discharge. Dr. Miller said: “Ok, undress please and lie down on the examination table.’ She did what he asked. Dr Miller then put on his rubber gloves and began investigating her private parts. After a couple of minutes, he asked, “How does that feel.” “Wonderful!” she replied. ‘But the discharge is from my ear.”
Day 312: Vacation
Jacob Newman goes to his private doctor, Dr Mendelssohn, for a checkup. After extensive tests, Dr. Mendelssohn says: "I'm afraid I have some bad news for you. You only have six months to live." Jacob is dumbstruck. After several minutes, he replies: “That's terrible doctor. But I must admit that I can't afford to pay your bill." "Ok,” says Dr. Mendelssohn. "I'll give you a year to live."
policy won't pay for these expensive tests more than once." “Well, what am I supposed to do?" The receptionist replies: "The doctor recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."
Jerry Levinson goes to see his psychiatrist. "Doctor," he says, "my wife Barbara is being unfaithful to me. Every night, she goes to a bar and picks up a man. She sleeps with anyone who asks her to. I'm going crazy with worry. What on earth should I do?" “Relax," says the psychiatrist. "Take a couple of breaths. And try to calm down. Now, first of all, tell me exactly where this bar is..."
Day 310: A Bar
Day 311: Bad News
Jack Finestein had done exceedingly well in business. He became a multi-millionaire. One day, after completing a successful business deal, he decided to take his wife, Jackie, to Israel. He
Rabbi Isaac Silver is walking down the street when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very short and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boy's efforts for some time, Rabbi Silver calls out: "Do you need some help?" The boy says, "Yes, please." Rabbi Silver crosses the street. He places his hand on the child's shoulder, leans over, and rings the doorbell.
asked his secretary to make the arrangements. The secretary rang the Tel Aviv Dan Hotel and asked to speak to the manager.. “I am happy to tell you that Mr. Finestein and his wife have chosen to stay at the Dan next week. But as they are very rich and require total privacy, they would like to book the entire hotel for their stay. Money is not a problem.” The manager quickly agreed. “I can move all guests to a sister hotel,” he said. The secretary then asked: “Is there a private beach?” “Yes,” said the manager. “I’ll get it arranged.” “And,” inquired the secretary, “what colour is the sand?” “Silver,” said the manager. “Well that might be a problem,” continued the secretary. “Mr. Finestein insists on golden sand.” “No problem,”replied the manager. “We’ll get it sorted.” “Finally,” said the secretary, “can you guarantee a blue sky without a cloud?” “No problem,” said the manager. “I’ll get the Israeli Air Force to seed the clouds.” The following week, Jack and his wife were sunbathing on the wide expanse of the private beach of the Dan hotel. Jack looked all around him and said: “You know, everything is so beautiful. And peaceful. Not a sound is coming from the hotel. And the sand is golden. And the sky so blue. With all this, who needs money?”
Day 313: A Doorbell
Day 314: A Bear
Crouching down to the boy's level, he smiles and asks: "Is there anything else I can help you with, my little man." To which the boy says: "Yes, run like hell."
A priest, a rabbi and a minister decided to do an experiment. They agreed that they would go into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it. Father O’Hear, who subsequently had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, explained what happened. . "Well," he said, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation." Reverend Jason Roberts spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone voice he claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTISED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looked up and said , "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
Day 315: A Thesis
Day 316: On a Train
Issac Finegold lives in a small town in upstate Massachusetts. He had never been on a train. One lovely sunny day he decided he would try a train ride to Boston. Off he went with his yarmulka on his head, a piece of salami under one arm and black bread and some herrings in a jar in the other. He sat down in a plush compartment and got settled down to eat. Suddenly a porter popped his head in and said: “Sir, you will have to leave this compartment—it is reserved for the Archbishop of Boston.” Isaac
Max Stein is on a flight from New York to Los Angeles. He notices a beautiful woman boarding the plane. To his delight, she takes the seat next to him. After the plane is aloft, they strike up a conversation. He asks her, “Where are you from?” “I’m from Los Angeles,” she says ‘And what were you doing in New York?” Max asks. “I was finishing my PhD thesis,” she replies. “What’s it about?” “It’s a study of some of the popular myths about sexuality,” she says. “What myths are those?” Max asks. “Well,” she says, “one popular myth is that African men are the best endowed. In fact, the Native American man is. Also, it is widely believed that Frenchmen are the best lovers. But actually men of Jewish descent are the best.” “Very interesting,” replies Max. Suddenly the woman blushes and is embarrassed. “I’m sorry,” she stammers. I feel so awkward discussing this with you when I don’t even know your name.” Max extends his hand and says: “Tonto Goldberg.”
Day 317: French Revolution.
Day 318: Conversation
At a bar mitzvah reception one of Rabbi David Glick’s congregants asked him: “Rabbi, you’re a man of God. So why is it that you are always talking business when I, a businessman, am always asking about spiritual matters when I’m not at work?” “You have discovered one of the principles of human nature.” “And what principle is that, rabbi?” The rabbi replied: “People like to discuss things they know nothing about,”
Day 319: A Dead Dog
Moshe Levi lives in a small French village. One day his gentile friend Pierre comes to see him after returning from a trip to Paris. Moshe asks Pierre what is happening in Paris as he has heard they are regularly using the guillotine. “Oui,” says Pierre. “You heard correctly. Conditions are as bad as can be. They are chopping off people’s heads in their thousands. “Oh vey,” says Moshe. “That’s terrible. What will happen to my hat business?”
Benny Goodman’s dog died. Benny went to see the Orthodox rabbi at his synagogue in Minneapolis. “Rabbi,” he said. “I wonder whether you could find the time to say a special blessing at my
replied: “Vell, how do you know I’m not de Archbishop of Boston?”
dog’s grave.” “Sorry,” the rabbi, replied. “I’m afraid it isn’t possible. In fact, the rules don’t really make any allowance for animals.” “But I’m really upset,” replied Benny. “Maybe you should go see the Reform rabbi.” As Benny gets up to leave, he turns to the rabbi and says, “What a shame. I was willing to donate $10,000 to the shul.” At which point the rabbi shouts: “Come back! Come back!” Benny turns around and says, “I thought you couldn’t help.” “Ah,” says the rabbi. “But you didn’t tell me the dog was Orthodox.”
Abe Zimmerman walks into the local delicatessen in Brooklyn. He sees his friend Gerald Cohen by the counter. He puts his hand on his shoulder and says: “Oh vey, Gerald. I’m so sorry to hear about your shop burning down. I hope it was insured.” Gerald spins around quickly and whispers: “Shhhh—it’s tomorrow.”
Day 321: Deli
Day 320: A Fire
Abe Greenbaum owned a small deli in Queens. One day a tax inspector knocked on his door and questioned him about his recent tax return. Abe had reported a net profit of $100,000 for the year, and he wanted to know about it. “It’s like this,” said Abe. “I work like a maniac all year round and all of my family help me when they can. My deli is closed only five times a year. That’s how I made a profit of $100,000.” “It’s not your income that bothers us,” said the taxman. “It’s the travel deductions of $80,000. You entered on the tax return that you and your wife made twelve visits
Herman Cohen was on a holiday trip to China. On his travels he went to a Chinese synagogue a hundred miles from the city for Sabbath services. "Ah so," said the rabbi, "are you Jewish?" "Of course I'm Jewish," he said. "Funny," said the rabbi. "You don't look Jewish."
Mogadishu Yogi is visiting New York. During one of his walks, in full costume and beard, he passes a small snack bar called: Hot Dog Heaven. He wants to try everything. So he goes into the shop and says: “Make me a hot dog and put everything in.” The owner, Sam Fishman, puts together a loaded hot dog, and hands it to the spiritual master who pays him with a $20 note which Sam puts in his pocket. “So,” asks Mogadishu Yogi, “where’s my change?” Sam replies: “Change must come from within.”
Bob Birenbaum has died. His lawyer is standing before the family and reads out Bob”s will: “To my dear wife Ruth, I leave the house, fifty acres of land, and $1 million. To my son Boris, I leave
Day 323: A Hot Dog
Day 322: China
to Israel. “Oh,” said Abe. “I forgot to tell you that we also deliver.”
Day 324: Will
"I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "IAlways."haven't spoken to my wife for eighteen months. I don't like to interrupt her."
Day 326: Raffle
Question: How do most men define marriage? Answer: An expensive way to get laundry done for free.
If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. The trouble with some Jewish women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.
Day 325: Sayings
"The last fight was my fault. My wife asked: ‘What's on TV?’ I said, ‘Dust.’”
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky. Mine's still alive."
There is a raffle at the Jewish Community Centre in St Louis. Prizes are drawn. The presenter says, “Fourth prize, which goes to Al Goldberg is a Rolls Royce.” Huge applause. Al goes up to collect the keys and shake hands. “Third Prize goes to Bob Finkel: a Rolls Royce and a check for $50,000.” Bob goes to collect his keys and shake hands. “Second Prize goes to George Sternfield. It is a piece of fruit cake.” Ghostly silence. George goes up to the
my Lexus and Jaguar. To my daughter Susie, I leave my yacht and $250,000. And to my brother-in-law Jack, who always insisted that health is better than wealth, I leave my sun lamp.”
Jerry Fineberg was in a hospital ward with two non-Jews. On his first morning Jerry put on his tefillin. The non-Jews couldn’t figure out what he was doing. Finally, one says to the other, “Look how smart those Jews are1 He’s talking his blood pressure.”
Day 329: Yom Kippur
On the Day of Atonement, when all Jews are asked to seek forgiveness, two Jews who hate one another see each other in shul (synagogue). One approaches the other and says, “I wish for you everything that you wish for me.” The other replies, “Already, you’re starting again.”
stage and says: “A piece of fruit cake? Fourth prize is a Rolls Royce, and Third Prize is a Rolls Royce and a huge check. So what do you mean a piece of fruit cake for Second Prize?” The presenter says: “This is special fruit cake. It’s made by the rabbi’s wife.” “Screw the rabbi’s wife!” says Bob. “What? You want the first prize as well?” asks the presenter.
Day 327: Wives
Question: Why do Jewish men die before their wives? Answer: They want to.
Day 328: Tefillin
Day 331: Inland Revenue
Day 330: A Mink
Rabbi Benny Feldman, the rabbi of Temple Israel in St Louis, answered the phone. “This is the Inland Revenue speaking. We’re checking some tax returns. Do you know a Harry Greenberg?” “I do” said the rabbi. “And is he a member of your congregation?” “He is.” “And did he donate $15,000 to your synagogue?” “He will.”
Day 332: The Jewish People
Morris Kaplan and Harry Horowitz sat in a coffee shop, discussing the fate of the Jewish people. “How miserable is our lot,” Horowitz complained. “Pogroms, plagues, quotas,
Jack Cohen and a beautiful woman walk into a posh Manhattan furrier. “Show the lady your finest mink," he says. The furrier goes into the storeroom and comes out with a stunning full length black coat. As the lady tries it on, the furrier goes over to Jack and discreetly whispers in his ear: "Ah sir, that particular coat costs $40,000.” "No problem," Jack says. "Very good, sir," says the furrier. "Today is Friday, you may come by on Tuesday to pick it up after the check has cleared." On Tuesday Jack returns to the shop. The furrier is incensed. "How dare you show your face in here. There wasn't a singe penny in your bank account.” "I just had to come by," says Jack, "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life."
discrimination, Hitler...Sometimes I think we’d be better off if we’d never been born.” “Sure,” says Morris. “But who has that much luck—maybe one in fifty thousand.”
Day 333: Dispensing Money
Did you hear about the Jewish Mother ATM? When you take out some money, it says to you ‘Nu, so what did you do with the last $100 I gave you?’
Micky Fairstein was 40 and unmarried. So he went to a shadchan (matchmaker) to find a wife. After some time, the shadchan called him with some good news. “Mr Fairstein, I’ve found you the perfect girl. She’s very observant; comes from a good family; cooks like you wouldn’t believe.” “Great!” said Fairstein . “Wait, there’s more,” said the shadchan. “She’s extremely pretty, and you’ll never guess, she’s also the heiress to a huge fortune.” “She sounds the perfect match,” said Fairstein. “But there’s just one more thing I need to know. Is she good in bed?” There was a pause and then the shadchan replied, “Some say yes...some say no”
Day 335: In the Theatre
Day 334: Matchmaker
Day 336: Anesthesia
“Ladies and gentlemen,” the manager announces, “I am terribly sorry to have to tell you that the great actor Samuel Borowitz has just had a stroke in his dressing room, a fatal stroke, and we cannot go on with tonight’s performance.” At this Stella Greenberg in the second balcony stands and cries, “Quick. Give him an enema.” “Lady,” says the manager, “the stroke was fatal.” “So give him an enema,” she shouts once more. “Lady you don’t understand. Samuel Borowitz is dead. An enema can’t possibly help.” “It wouldn’t hurt...”
Day 337: Western Wall
Bernie Melman was coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the hostpial. His wife Golda was sitting at his beside. His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured: “You’re beautiful.’ Flattered Golda continued her vigil while he drifted back to sleep. Later he woke up and said: “You’re cute.” “What happened to beautiful?” she asked. “The drugs are wearing off,” he said.
A journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray twice a day, every day, for a long, long time, so she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and after about forty-five minutes, when he turned to leave, moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview. “Pardon me, sir. What’s your name?” “Harold Wallenberg” he replied. “How long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?” “For about sixty years.” “Sixty
Day 339: Rabbinical Advice
Sylvia Rothstein is in hospital. She tells her doctor she wants to be transferred to a different hospital. Dr Freehof asks: “What’s wrong? Is it the food?” “No, the food is fine. I can’t kvetch [complain].” “Is it the room?” “No, the room is fine. I can’t kvetch.” “Is it the staff?” “No, everyone on the staff is fine. I can’t kvetch.” “Then why do you want to be transferred?” “I can’t kvetch!” says Sylvia.
years! What do you pray for?” “I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man.” “How do you feel after doing this for sixty years?” “Like I’m talking to a wall.”
Michael Fishbaum was a newly ordained rabbi and was appointed to a rabbinical position in Australia. He went to his rabbi for advice, and the rabbi--a great Talmud scholar--offered an adage which he assured the younger rabbi would guide him throughout his life: "Life," he said, “is a fountain." Rabbi Fishbaum was deeply impressed by the profundity of his teacher's advice and he departed for a successful career. Thirty years later, he heard that his mentor was dying, and decided to return for a final visit. "Rabbi," he said to his old teacher: "I have one question. For thirty years, every time I have been sad or confused I thought of the phrase you passed on to me before I left for Australia. It has helped me through the most difficult periods. But to be perfectly
Day 338: Hospital
Three proofs that Jesus was Jewish: 1. He went into his father’s business. 2. He lived at home until the age of thirty-three. 3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was convinced he was God.
Sylvia is dying. As she lies on her deathbed, she says to her husband, $'Maurice, I want you to promise me one thing." "Anything darling," says Maurice. "The day of my funeral I want
Rabbi Feldman and Rabbi Bugdanowicz went out for a walk, when suddenly it began to rain. "Quick," said Rabbi Feldman, '"Open your umbrella." "It won't help," said Rabbi Bugdanowicz. "My umbrella is full of holes." "Then why did you bring it in the first place?" "I didn't think it would rain," replied Rabbi Bugdanowicz.
Day 340: Rain
Day 342: Funeral
honest with you, Rabbi, I have never fully understood its meaning. And now that you are about to enter the World to Come, perhaps you would be so kind as to tell me what these words mean. Rabbi why is life like a fountain?” The rabbi replied, "I didn’t say fountain. I said mountain.”
Day 341: Jesus
Day 344: An Investment
Max Green was 88 years old and went to see his financial adviser. "So what do you think would be an appropriate investment for me?" he asked. "Well," replied the financial adviser, "I've found a terrific investment that will double your money in five years." "Are you crazy?” said Max. "A five year investment? At my age I don't even buy green bananas."
Michael Fishbaum was on a business trip to New York when walking down the street he was stopped by a stranger. "Ginsburg," exclaimed the stranger. "What has become of you?It's so long since I've seen you. Just look at yourself..." "But wait," said Fishbaum. "I'm..." "Never mind that," said the stranger. "I can't get over how much you've changed. You used to be such a big man, built like an ox. And now you're smaller than I am. Have you been sick?" “But wait..." said Fishbaum. "And what has become of your moustache, so black and dapper. You know, I don't see how I ever recognised you. What has happened?" "I've been trying to tell you," said Fishbaum. "I'm not Ginsburg." "Oy," said the stranger. “You've gone and changed your name as well."
Day 343: Confrontation
you to look after my mother. And you and she must travel there together in the same car." Maurice squirms. He struggles. At last he says, "For you, on your funeral, I will do this. But let me tell you right now – it will completely ruin the day for me."
Jacob Grimes and his Scotsman friend Hamish McGregor enter a bar with a group of their friends. Soon everyone is eating and drinking like it’s going out of style. Eventually, it comes time to pay the bill. “I’ll pay!” shouts McGregor, and with a scowl, pays the bill. The next day, the headline in The Times reads, “Jewish ventriloquist found murdered in alley.”
Day 347: Plane Crash
A plane crashed in the arctic and Buddy Greenbaum was the only survivor. Three months later, a rescue party found him; against all odds he had managed to stay alive by building an igloo and living off fish he caught with his bare hands through a hole in the ice. A newspaperman called his mother in New York to ask what she thought of the good news that her son had been found alive. “Good news nothing!” exclaimed Mrs Greenbaum. “For three months he doesn’t write, he doesn’t call...”
A Hasid comes to see his rabbi. “Rabbi” he says, “I had a dream in which I am the leader of three hundred Hasidim. Is it an omen?” The rabbi replies: “Come back when three hundred Hasidim have had a dream that you are their leader.”
Day 345: Leader
Day 346: A Bar
Helen Finkel and her fiancé Max Teitelbaum were preparing for a religious wedding. They met with Rabbi Morgenstern. The rabbi asked if they have any last questions before they leave. Max says, “Rabbi, we realise it’s a tradition for men to dance with men, and for women to dance with women at the reception. But we’d like your permission to dance together.” “Absolutely not,” says the rabbi. “It’s immodest. Men and women always dance separately.” “So after the ceremony I can’t even dance with my own wife?” “No,” answers the rabbi. “It’s forbidden.” “Well, OK,” says Max. “What about sex? Can we finally have sex?” “Of course!” replies the rabbi. “Sex is a mitzvah within marriage.” “What about different positions?” asks Max. “No problem,” says the rabbi. “It’s a mitzvah!” “Even on the kitchen table?” “Yes, yes! A mitzvah!” “Can we do it standing up?” “No,” says the rabbi. “Why not?” asks Max. “It could lead to dancing.”
Day 348: Dancing
Day 349: Jewish Telegram
Start worrying. Details to follow.
Rabbi Felix Greenstein was at the Jewish cemetery and heard the loud crying of a woman and went to investigate. The woman was at a grave and was weeping “Oh, Max, it’s been four years since you left me but I still miss you so much.” The rabbi asked her,
Day 350: Gravestone
George Mankowicz stood over his tee shot for what seemed like eternity. He looked up. He looked down. He measured the distance. He figured the wind direction and speed. All this was driving Max Stern, his partner, nuts. Eventually Max said, “What’s taking you so long, George? George replied: “My wife Rachel is up there watching this from the front of the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot. ‘Forget it, George—you’ll never hit her from here.”
Roses are reddish, Violets are bluish; When the Messiah comes, You’ll wish you were Jewish!
“Who are you mourning?” “My husband,” she replied, “I miss him dearly.” But the rabbi noticed something strange, and said to her “Your husband? But it says on the headstone IN MEMORY OF SARAH GREENSTEIN.” “Oh yes,” she replied, “he put everything in my name.”
Day 351: Jewish Christmas Card
Day 352: Golf
Day 355: Ethics
Day 354: Circumcision
Day 353: A Watch
Ben Schwartz was the proud co-owner of the local dry cleaners. One day, during dinner, while he was finishing his chicken soup, his nine-year old son Maurice asked: "Dad, what is ethics?" Ben thought for a while, put down his spoon, looked at his son and replied: "Ok. Let' suppose someone comes into my shop and gives me his business suit to dry clean. Then I find a $20 note in his trouser pocket." Maurice looked expectantly at his father. "So,” Ben continued, “to answer your question: do I tell my partner I found the money? That's ethics."
Question: Why are Jewish men circumcised? Answer: Because Jewish women won’t touch anything unless it is 20 per cent off.
Manny Newman was walking through the East End of London when he realised his watch had stopped. He saw a shop with a large clock in the window, and went inside. “Can you fix my watch?” he asked the shopkeeper. “Sorry, no,” replied the shopkeeper. “But aren’t you a clockmaker?”Manny asked. “No,” replied the shopkeeper. “I’m a mohel.” “A what?”replied Manny. “A mohel. I do circumcisions.” In some confusion, Manny asked “Then why have you got that big clock in the window?” “My friend,” sighed the shopkeeper. “What would you put in the window?”
Day 357: Late
Day 356: Marriage Arrangements
Manny Goldstein, aged 92, has just asked Helen Schwartz, aged 89, to marry him and she has accepted. They are both very excited and decide to go for a walk so that they can discuss the wedding arrangements. They pass a large drugstore and decide to go in. Manny asks to see the owner. When he appears, Manny asks: "Are you the owner? "Yes," he says. "How can I help?" "We're about to get married," Manny says. "Do you sell batteries for hearing aids?" "We do," says the owner. "How about medicine for improving circulation." "We stock that too." "What about remedies for rheumatic conditions?" asks Helen. “Yes, no problem, madam." "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, antidotes for Parkinson's, medicine for memory problems, arthritis and jaundice?" "Yes, all those" replies the owner. "And what about wheelchairs and walkers?" "Our speciality," says the owner. "We have many sizes and all speeds." Manny finally says: "Ok. We'd like to set up our wedding registry here..."
Sam Fineberg was having a cup of tea in his best friend Jake’s house. Sam was commenting on the time and the fact that his wife Marilyn had not yet returned from her shopping. “She’s two hours late,” he says. “She’s probably been kidnapped or she’s been involved in a terrible car crash,’ replies Jake, “or maybe she’s still shopping.” “Oy Vay! says Sam, “I hope she’s not shopping!”
Boris Cohen asks his wife Margaret what she wants for their fortieth wedding anniversary. “Would you like a new diamond bracelet?” he asks. “Not really,” says Margaret. “Well how about a Jaguar sports car?” says Boris. “No,” she replies. “What about a holiday home in the south of France?” She again rejects his offer with a “No thanks.” “Well what would you like for your anniversary?” Boris asks. “I’d like a divorce, Boris,” answers Margaret. “Oy, I wasn’t planning to spend that much!” says Boris.
Day 360: Hit Man
Mrs. Mindy Berkovits once opened the door of her house and found a schnorrer standing there. “Please, lady,” he said. “I haven’t eaten in three days. “You should force yourself,” she replied.
Day 358: Starvation
Sammy Krause, a hit man for Murder Inc., a notorious Jewish mafia gang which operated in the Brownsville section of Brooklyn in the 1930s, was caught in a crossfire during a gang war. He was severely wounded, but managed to crawl the three blocks to his mother’s house. Barely able to climb the stairs and bleeding profusely, he used all his strength to bang on the door. “Mama,” he cried, “it’s me, Sammy. I’m hurt bad.” “Sit down and eat,” his mother said. “Later we’ll talk.”
Day 359: A Present
Day 361: Toilet Paper
Selma Wolf is out doing her shopping. She goes into a supermarket and gets totally confused by the large selection of toilet paper they have on their shelves. So she goes up to one of the assistants and asks, “Excuse me. Can you explain the differences between all these toilet rolls?” “Of course,” he replies. He points out one brand, “This is our best because it’s as soft as a baby’s kiss.” He picks up another roll and says to her, “This one is also good. It’s nice and soft, strong but gentle.” Then, pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, “We call that roll our No Name brand, and it’s much cheaper. “ “Give me the No Name,” says Selma. One week later, she goes back to the shop and seeks out the assistant. “I’ve got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne.” “Why?” he asks. “Because it’s rough, it’s tough and it don’t take crap off anybody!”
A schnorrer (beggar) tries without success to get an appointment with Lord Rothschild. Finally he stands outside the family mansion and shouts: “My family is starving to death and the Baron refuses to see me!” Rothschild acquiesces and gives the schnorrer thirty rubles. “Here you are,” he says. “And let me tell you that if you hadn’t caused such a scene, I would have given you sixty rubles.” “My dear Baron,” replies the schnorrer, “You’re a banker, and I don’t give you banking advice. I’m a schnorrer, so please—don’t give me schnorrer advice.”
Day 362: Schnorrer
Day 364: Maserati
Day 363: A Fire
A row of houses in a Jewish area in Vienna is destroyed by fire, and the community provides a fund for the victims. As the money is being disbursed, a Jew whose house was untouched by the fire comes for a handout. “What do you mean by this?” he is asked. ‘Did you suffer from the fire?” “Suffer,” he replies. “Believe me, I was sacred to death.”
Joe Mendelssohn was a banker in Manhattan, and bought himself a Maserati with his bonus money. After buying it, he felt guilty and went to an Orthodox rabbi to ask for a mezuzah for the car. “You want a mezuzah for what?” the rabbi asked. “It’s a Maserati,” said Mendelssohn. “What’s a Maserati?” asked the rabbi. “A sports car.” “What? That’s blasphemy!” the rabbi shouted. “You want a mezuzah for a sports car? Go to the Conservatives!” Joe went to the Conservative rabbi and asked for a mezuzah. “You want a mezuzah for what?” the rabbi asked. “For my Maserati,” Joe replied.”What’s a Maserati?” asked the rabbi. “A sports car.” “What? That’s blasphemy!” the rabbi shouted. “You want a mezuzah for a car? Go to the Reform!” Finally Mendelssohn went to the Reform rabbi. “Rabbi,” he asks, “I’d like a mezuzah for my Maserati.” “You have a Maserati?” asked the rabbi. “You know what it is?” says Joe. “Of course! It’s a fantastic Italian sports car. What’s a mezuzah?”
Day 365: Heaven
Rabbi Jack Goldberg stood before the Recording Angel who was scrutinising his page in the Golden Book. “Fantastic!” exclaimed the Angel. “Can it be? Our records show nothing but mitzvahs. Tell me, in your whole life, didn’t you commit one sin?” “No,” replied the rabbi. “Not one. I tried to lead a virtuous life.” “Are you sure not one sin, not even a little one?” “Sorry,” said the rabbi. “Well,” the Angel said, “I can’t let you in sinless. So I am going to have to send you back to earth for 24 hours. If you want to get into heaven, you’ll have to appear back here with at least one sin.” Rabbi Goldberg was then sent back to earth. He wandered about desolate, seeking to stray from virtue but not knowing how. The hours passed, and he grew increasingly uneasy. Only twelve hours remained. And then a blonde buxom woman signaled to him from a doorway. His prayers had been answered. She led him into her bedroom and they had wild sex. Hours later the rabbi awoke. “What time is it?” he asked. “Half past six,” the woman answered. At seven he was to return to Heaven. He started to dress, profoundly relieved. But then he heard the woman sigh: “I’m over forty years old,” she said. “And a virgin. Oh mister, what a mitzvah you performed last night.”
