I am Loved and I am Loveable
By Lila Levitt It was the year 2007 and my eating disorder had taken over my life. I needed help. I had been attending EDA meetings for a few months and while the support of a group was nice, it just wasn't cutting it. I knew I desperately wanted to stop the shame cycle of binging and purging. I felt alone, hopeless and wanted to die. I had a spiritually irresponsible person in my life who told me over and over that “I wasn't praying hard enough. If I really wanted Jesus to heal me, he would heal me instantly. I just needed to have faith in his healing powers.” As a teen, my eating disorder started out as a way of controlling my weight, but it soon crossed over into the area of an unhealthy coping mechanism. Food became my go-to drug for dealing with all of my problems. With the purge, I confirmed the worst things I had ever thought of myself—I was in fact disgusting and unlovable. My mom started looking online for a faith-based recovery program and I agreed to travel from Phoenix to Wickenburg to take a tour of the Remuda Ranch facility. After seeing the grounds of the adult campus, we sat down at the table and I was told how much a 45-day stay at the ranch would cost. The figure seemed astronomical to a single, 27 year old, self employed hair stylist. All my hopes of recovery went out the window. I guess this is just how I was going to be for the rest of my life. Then I was told they offered a scholarship program and I might be able to qualify. There was a glimmer of hope for me yet. A few days later, Remuda Ranch called and told me what my final calculated number would be. As it turned out during that same time frame, my parents got a notice they could refinance their home and could take out the exact amount for my stay, plus a bit extra for any financial obligations I would need help with during my stay. When I checked in on December 26th, 2007, I remember being all over the board emotionally. Maybe I didn't really need to be here? Maybe I wasn't as bad as I made out to be? But the one who knew my heart and saw me when no one was around knew better. He knew he got me there at the exact time in my life when I needed. And the other women he put there, were not there accidentally either. Our lives had been on a collision course and those relationships helped me