TIPs Issue 20

COECT EXCLUSIVE MAGAZINE

T.I.Ps

Trauma Informed Parents ISSUE No.20 March 2026

IN THIS ISSUE: How do our ‘mother parts’ respond to ‘bad’ behaviour

“I want to but I can’t” Understanding emotionally based school avoidance in children who have experienced early trauma

What Your Child’s Triggers Are Really Telling You

Sometimes We All Get Stuck!

Supporting Children through co-regulation

Behaviour as a mode of communication: Beyond the reward chart Image: ©Coect

Meet the Team!

Executive Editor - Sarah Naish

Executive Editor - Sair Penna

Managing Editor - Kathryn Talbot

Contributor - Jessica Spenceley

Kathryn is co-founder and managing editor of the TIPs magazine, at The Centre of Excellence in Child Trauma C.I.C specialising in public relations.

Jessica is a therapeutic social worker with over 20 years of experience helping adoptive parents navigate their parenting journeys using the attachment-based, trauma-informed parenting approach of TBRI®.

Contributor - Saskia Joss

Contributor - Rachel Naylor

Sarah is a Therapeutic Parent, an Adopter of five siblings, Best selling international Author, Keynote Speaker and founder of three Independent Therapeutic Fostering Agencies. Sarah is also and cofounder and CEO at The Centre of Excellence in Child Trauma C.I.C.

Saskia is a BACP-registered child and adolescent therapist, school emotional wellbeing consultant and Author based in London. She runs the Mill Hill Therapy Hub, a network of therapeutic spaces supporting adults, children, couples and families both online and in person across London.

Contributor - Marlyn Bursey Marlyn is a foster parent and teacher. Alongside her identical twin sister Alana, she creates children’s stories to help support children going through transitions, in a trauma-informed way.

Contributor - Emma Edwards

Sair (Sarah) is a Therapeutic Parent, Author, Parent Coach and Havening practitioner. Sair is also co-founder and Director of Training, Qualifications & Quality at The Centre of Excellence in Child Trauma C.I.C

Rachel is the founder of The Family Wellbeing Hub CIC, where she supports parents and professionals in moving toward relational, neuro-affirming practices.

Contributor - Carolyn Baynes

Carolyn is a qualified and licensed cognitivebehavioural hypnotherapist as well as a mindfulness meditation teacher. She works therapeutically with both adults and children in Farnham and online.

Emma is a Therapeutic Parent, Adopter, Parent Coach. Emma is also cofounder and Director of Therapeutic Services and Ambassador for England at The Centre of Excellence in Child Trauma C.I.C.

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TRAUMA-INFORMED PARENTS

CONTENTS 6 How do our ‘mother parts’ respond to ‘bad’ behaviour

14 “I want to but I can’t”

Understanding emotionally based school avoidance in children who have experienced early trauma

19 Sometimes We All Get Stuck!

Supporting Children through co-regulation

3 Editor's Note

4 CoECT Conference “Trauma and Tech”

9 Behaviour as a Mode of Communication: Beyond the Reward Chart

11 What Your Child’s Triggers Are Really Telling You

12-13 UPCOMING EVENTS CoECT Training, Workshops and Events Schedule 2026

22 Ask the Experts with Emma Edwards

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From its beginnings as a Therapeutic Parenting Group on Facebook a decade ago, we have evolved into a Community Interest Company dedicated to supporting parents of children who have faced early life trauma and display neurodiverse characteristics. This edition focuses on the topic of Behaviour as a mode of communication.

Editor’s Note Welcome Everybody, In this edition, we explore how behaviour serves as a form of communication for both children and parents. Our contributors share a wealth of knowledge and experience, highlighting the various ways children express themselves through behaviour and how parents, along with supporting professionals, can offer the necessary support.

We welcome our contributor, Carolyn Baynes, a licensed cognitive-behavioural hypnotherapist and mindfulness meditation teacher. In her article, she explores how parents respond to their children's difficult behaviour and explains how using the Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy model can help parents understand their emotions with compassion.

Rachel Naylor, a parent and teacher, has written an article exploring common behaviour management techniques that focus more on making children behave than on connecting with them, and emphasising the importance of understanding that a child’s unique needs and behaviour can indicate unmet needs rather than just a problem to control.

We are joined by our regular contributor, Jessica Spenceley, a therapeutic social worker, who has written an article on how early experiences influence children's responses to stress and their feelings of safety. The article also includes strategies for recognising early signs of distress in children and how to respond.

We also welcome Saskia Joss, a Child Therapist, who has written an article about Emotionally Based School Avoidance and how parents and carers can understand and support children who have experienced early trauma.

Marlyn Bursey has contributed an article about feeling "stuck," a common experience for both children and adults during strong emotions or sudden change. She explores strategies which can support children through transitions.

Sair Penna Executive Editor

This edition is our 20th and features highlights from our National Conference “Trauma and Tech”, which took place in mid-March in Cardiff, and was attended by both parents and social work professionals.

Kathryn Talbot Managing Editor

We hope you enjoy this issue, and we will be back in May with our next issue.

Warmest wishes Sair, Sarah & The Team at The Centre of Excellence in Child Trauma C.I.C

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CoECT National Conference

Image: ©CoECT th

On Thursday 12 March we held our Annual National Conference in Cardiff for foster parents and Supporting Professionals who support children in care. The theme of the conference was “Trauma and Tech”, a current topic in the UK that can be challenging for parents of children who have experienced early life trauma or who display neurodivergent characteristics to navigate.

We began our day with an engaging presentation

by Dr Jen Lee from Health Professionals for Safer Screens. She addressed smartphones and social media, focusing specifically on their impact on vulnerable children. Jen shared evidence and insights that highlighted the challenges and risks posed by these platforms to young users, sparking an important conversation about their safety and well-being.

Image: ©CoECT

Image: ©CoECT

Sarah Naish and Sarah Dillon explored the impact of tech on parent/child connection, emphasising the importance of rebuilding lost relationships and developing strong emotional attachments with children who have experienced early life trauma and linked attachment issues due to this. Their discussion also included practical approaches to nurturing those connections in today’s rapidly evolving digital landscape.

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After lunch, Gareth Thomas presented an informative talk focusing on practical strategies for managing technology use among children and young people.

During his presentation, he shared insights and techniques that parents can use to effectively integrate technology into family life, emphasising the importance of setting clear boundaries regarding screen time and encouraging open communication about online activities.

Image: ©CoECT

We concluded the day with Sair Penna, who offered a unique perspective on how technology is managed for children with autism. She shared her personal experiences of navigating technology use with her autistic child and highlighted the benefits of using tech to engage the child's special interests, allowing others to see the world from their perspective.

The day was well-received, and it was great to see so many people in attendance. A recording of the conference has been made available.

Image: ©CoECT

An email will be sent out to CoECT subscribers in the coming weeks with details on ways to access the recorded version.

Image: ©CoECT

If you’re not yet subscribed to our emails, we encourage you to reach out to us at info@coect.co.uk.

Image: ©CoECT

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By doing so, you’ll stay informed about the latest news and events at CoECT and won't miss any important updates.

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How do our ‘Mother Parts’ respond to ‘bad’ behaviour?

Written By Carolyn Baynes Image: ©C Barnes

Unburdening Parenthood Have you ever noticed that one part of you adores your child, while another part feels exhausted or resentful?

Or that part of you loves bedtime stories, while another part is quietly wishing they would just go to sleep so you can finally rest? If so, you’re not alone — and there is nothing wrong with you.

We all have different ‘parts’ inside us, and each one has good intentions.

In the therapy model Internal Family Systems (IFS), we learn how to get to know these parts with curiosity and compassion rather than judgment.

When we become parents — whether through birth, fostering, or adoption — new parts of us come online. Suddenly, we’re responsible for another human being, and that can bring a whirlwind of emotions we never expected.

Our anxious parts, our self-critical parts, our worrying parts — they are all trying to protect us and our children. But when we’re exhausted, overwhelmed, unsupported, or stretched too thin, those parts can become heavy and loud.

So how do your parts react when your child’s behaviour is triggering?

Do they rush to defend you with anger and a desire to punish?

Do they collapse and want to hide or distract from the hurt?

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Try getting curious about the ways you are triggered by your child’s behaviour. Then try doing a “You Turn”. This is when we attend to our own triggered parts before we attempt to respond to our child’s triggered parts.

It’s helpful to practice this on your own or with a friend first.

Imagine your child’s behaviour.

Then notice the part that leaps to your defence or tries to deal with or fix the behaviour. Bring it some curiosity.

How did it learn to talk like that?

How is it trying to help?

How old is this part?

trust you a little more. Rather than leaping into its usual protective strategies, it may soften and relax.

You might remember to pause, take a breath, and send it some compassion.

Once you sense some relaxation, it becomes easier to respond to the situation from what IFS calls the Self.

We know we are in Self energy because our responses tend to be characterised by the 8 Cs: Curiosity Calm Connection Compassion Courage Confidence Creativity Clarity

To our surprise, we might find that the part of us trying to control our child’s behaviour is not much older than the child itself, and hasn’t yet met the “you” that is not a part.

For example, I remember last January when the temperatures were below zero and my teen announced he was “just off camping”.

These parts are often very tired and overwhelmed. Bringing them your compassion and appreciation for the incredible work they are doing can be deeply soothing.

My initial reaction — which I registered in a millisecond — was a Molotov cocktail of panic and alarm.

But once that reaction was acknowledged, I noticed I felt curious instead.

You might journal about how they are feeling and recognise that this isn’t all of you — this is a part of you.

“Ah, where are you planning on camping?” (He didn’t know yet.)

“Do you have a sleeping bag?” (Yes, but it was a summer one.)

Next time your part is triggered by your child’s behaviour, it might

“Do you think you’ll get enough

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time in the morning to have breakfast before college?”

(Err… no.)

Gradually, the curiosity and connection — without trying to solve the problem — slowed the moment down enough for my son to rethink the plan himself. So often, we are lending our prefrontal cortex to our children, but in a way that gently models

how they can begin to access their own planning and thinking-ahead parts (as in my son’s example).

We simply can’t do that when we are deep in the red zone of our own fight, flight, or freeze responses.

Over time, the “You Turn” becomes a habit — a way of life that guides our guiding and supports our supporting.

Carolyn works therapeutically with adults and children in Farnham and online.

If you would like to learn more about this therapy, you can contact Carolyn Baynes via email info@carolynbaynes.co.uk.

Have you subscribed to TIPs yet?

Find out more by visiting our website www.coect.co.uk

Therapeutic Help and Support Introducing Our 20-Minute Nervous System Reset Modern life moves quickly. Between work, family responsibilities, and constant digital demands, many of us spend long periods operating in a heightened state of stress. Over time, this can leave the body and mind feeling overwhelmed, tense, and mentally fatigued.

To help counter this, we’re introducing a new 20-Minute Nervous System Reset — a short but powerful session designed to help you pause, regulate, and restore balance.

This guided session uses gentle therapeutic techniques and mindfulness practices, to support the body’s natural ability to calm the nervous system.

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When the nervous system is under constant strain, we may notice symptoms such as racing thoughts, tension in the body, difficulty concentrating, irritability, or fatigue.

A short, focused reset can help interrupt this cycle by encouraging the body to move into a calmer, more regulated mode.

During the session, participants are guided through simple mindfulness techniques that encourage awareness of the breath, body, and present moment. These practices help quiet the mind and create a sense of grounding.

The techniques are simple, easy to follow, and suitable for anyone looking for a brief pause in their day.

To find out more click to visit our events page or scan the QR code provided.

No previous experience is needed.

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TRUE FOSTERING

www.truefostering.com

Image: ©R Naylor

Behaviour as a Mode of Communication: Beyond the Reward Chart Written By Rachel Naylor Reward charts, the ‘naughty step’, red/amber/green traffic lights, apps, the golden star, pocket money, certificates, child of the week, as a parent and educator of 20+ years I’ve seen and used them all. They all worked, to a degree. But ‘to a degree’ is the problem.

The ‘carrot and stick’ behaviour approaches don’t actually change anything. They don’t address underlying issues or unmet needs, and they certainly don’t give our children a voice.

These methods are designed to condition children into behaving ‘correctly,’ prioritising compliance over connection. But straight away, we hit a snag: Who defines what ‘correctly’ looks like? It is entirely subjective, and when we impose an arbitrary standard of "good," we leave our children feeling confused and unheard.

For neurodivergent children or those with trauma histories, this goes beyond mere confusion; it can cause active harm. By demanding compliance above all else, we inadvertently teach them to mask; to hide their internal distress to fit an adult's convenience. We are teaching them that their internal safety and unique nervous system needs are less important than "fitting in."

It was only when I was teaching in college recently that I realised we are still encouraging future teachers to use these very models. We are teaching them to condition children rather than

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connect with them through relational approaches.

I understand the need for an orderly classroom, but we must ask ourselves: at what cost?

When we ‘condition’ a child to behave in ‘acceptable’ ways, we’re not teaching them; we are silencing them.

My Son: My Greatest Educator Fortunately for me, I gave birth to a son who refused to be silenced! My 14-year-old son has taught me more than any textbook or degree ever could. In the early years, I bought all the books; How to Raise Your Spirited Child, Raising Boys, and every manual in between.

While those books contain nuggets of wisdom, they all share the same blind spot: no ‘method’ can ever allow for the fact that each child is a unique individual.

My son consistently called me out and stopped me in my tracks, forcing me to take a look at my own behaviour and conditioned beliefs. As a teacher, it was a shock to the system to begin with, but then I started to listen more closely

Becoming the Translator I’m not ashamed to admit that I used to get swept away by my own child’s big emotions. His behaviour triggered reactions in me, but over time, I learnt to manage my own emotions in a

better way which meant that I could hold space for him and learn what was actually going on. I soon saw patterns of dysregulation and started to understand the triggers that would send his nervous system into a spiral.

Learning all about neuroscience in the early years and how the brain develops was a turning point too. Once you understand the science, you stop looking for a "fix" and start looking for a "cause." For years, we’ve been fixated on the behavioural model; the idea that behaviour is something to be "managed." But the neuroscience tells us that behaviour is a physical manifestation of what is happening inside the brain and body.

As practitioners and parents, our job is to be the translator. We need to know the child so deeply that we can understand what they are communicating, even when they don't yet have the tools to do it themselves. When a child "acts out," they are often using the only tools they have to signal an unmet need.

The Accountability Elephant: Co-Created Boundaries Whenever I talk about moving away from "management," the question of accountability always arises. People worry that a relational approach means "anything goes." It doesn't. In fact, it requires more intentionality.

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Last year, I took this understanding back into the classroom and cocreated our framework with the children. We used a concentric circle model to establish our collective values. We didn't just set rules; we asked: What is our value? (e.g., Kindness or Safety) What needs to be done today?

(The task at hand) What are the rewards for completion? (The natural joy of finishing or a shared activity) What are our boundaries? (e.g., No talking when others are writing) What are the consequences if these aren't met? By facilitating this rather than dictating it, the children took ownership. They weren't being "managed"; they were being mentored. It was a game-changer.

The Cost of Labels Nobody goes out to be "badly behaved." By labelling behaviours as "good" or "naughty," we are shaming children. They compare themselves to their peers and some give up completely, assuming the role of the "naughty one" because they feel they’ll never be good enough. They internalise a sense of being fundamentally "wrong" or "failing" instead of understanding how their own unique brain works.

I have been on the end of teaching children who have already put themselves in these "boxes," and it is heart-breaking to see. It takes significantly more work to unpick those deep-seated beliefs than it would have to simply not wire them in the first place!

When we take away "behaviour management," we do something radical: we empower children to learn self-regulation and selfreflection. The root causes of "disruptive" behaviour are usually universal: ISSUE 20

Image: ©COECT via Canva Overstimulation or sensory overwhelm.

A New Framework for Connection

This shift is at the heart of my work at The Family Wellbeing Hub CIC. Tiredness, hunger, or thirst.

We guide adults back to their own needs and utilise our 3-Step Anxiety or a lack of "felt safety."

K’nnekted™ Framework to support When we help children understand their children. It is a process co-created with the child, rooted in the own brains, research suggests that we science that all a human needs to improve their mental health and life chances (The Center on the Developing thrive is: Child at Harvard University). But this 1. Safety in their bodies. starts with us. The best way to support 2. Safety in their relationships. the children we care for, whether at 3. Safety in their spaces. home or in the classroom, is by rolemodelling our own regulation.

Next time a child is shouting or pulling at your sleeve, take a breath. Remember: they’re not The Power of the "I’m Sorry" trying to annoy you; they are trying Saying "sorry" to a child after you’ve to tell you something. Once the snapped is one of the most powerful nervous system has settled, ask restorative acts you can perform. It the only question that matters: shows them that adults make mistakes and, crucially, that adults take "What was it you needed?". responsibility. Explaining that you were tired or hungry isn't an excuse; it's a This will have a far bigger impact lesson in biology. You are teaching than any sticker or reward chart. them that their internal state affects their external actions.

As adults, many of us live with suppressed voices because we weren't taught how our brains work. When we start by meeting our own needs and role-modelling regulation, the rest falls into place. The aim is not to be perfect; children need to see us make mistakes and make it right!

You can find out more about Rachel’s work and the K’nnekted™ Framework at www.thefamilywellbeinghub.co.uk

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What Your Child’s Triggers Are Really Telling You Image: ©J Spenceley

Written By Jessica Spenceley Early life experiences shape how adopted children respond to stress. That’s why they may be quick to react or why the tiniest thing can lead to a huge reaction that seems to come out of nowhere! But instead of focusing your parenting around stopping or managing behaviour, a therapeutic parenting approach invites you to ask a better question:

to build your children’s sense of safety is noticing — noticing the early signs that your child is starting to feel overwhelmed or unsure.

That might look like a shift in their body, a change in their tone, more silliness, or more rigidity. These are often the first clues that safety is slipping, even before a big reaction shows up.

How safe does my child feel right now?

When you catch those moments early, you have more room to respond proactively.

Behaviour is Information You can slow things down, offer It can be tempting to go into reassurance, or increase problem-solving mode, but real connection before your child shifts start from understanding tips into protection mode. This is what’s making your kiddo feel where observation becomes unsafe. Seemingly random outbursts are often linked to subtle such a powerful tool. You’re not watching to catch triggers that can be easy to miss. misbehaviour — you’re Some of the common ones in the watching to understand. adoptive families I work with are tone of voice, transitions, certain facial expressions, sensory overload, and reminders of the Supporting Safety past. These triggers can be easy to overlook because they may not That might mean sitting close, seem so big on the surface. But to using a warm and steady your child, they signal danger.

You may know your child is safe, but what drives their reaction is whether they feel safe.

When your child’s sense of safety drops, they move straight into protection mode. Your child’s big reactions aren’t about being difficult or defiant; they’re about staying safe. A big part of helping ISSUE 20

voice, offering a snack or water, or simply staying nearby and letting your child know you’re there. Over time, these small moments add up and send a clear message: You’re safe. I’m with you. You don’t have to handle this alone. And that strengthens safety.

As your child’s sense of safety grows, you’ll notice that their reactions aren’t as intense. Triggers don’t hit as hard, and recovery happens more quickly.

Your child starts to trust more that big feelings won’t threaten the relationship — that you’ll stay, help, and guide them through.

The goal isn’t perfect behaviour.

The goal is a child who feels safe enough to settle, safe enough to recover, and safe enough to stay connected even when things are hard.

That’s where real change, and real healing, happens.

Jessica is the founder of Nurtured Belonging, where she coaches adoptive parents to support their children in healing from early adversity and trauma.

To learn more about TBRI or connect with Jessica, visit https://nurturedbelonging.com/

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UPCOMING EVENTS CoECT Training, Workshops & Events Schedule 2026 Our training days are open to parents, carers and supporting professionals in the health, education and social care sectors. Some training days count towards part of the Level 4 Diploma in Trauma- informed Practice, as indicated below.

BAIRT - Behaviour Assessment of Impact and Resolution Tool Trainer: Sarah Naish Tuesday 23rd June 2026, 10:00 am - 3:00pm via Zoom

Understanding behaviour as a mode of communication Trainer: Gareth Thomas Wednesday 17th June 2026, 10:00 am - 3:00 pm, Manchester Available to attend both In-person & Online

Understanding and Addressing Unmet Needs in Children through Therapeutic Parenting and Trauma-Informed Care Trainer: Gareth Thomas Monday 23rd March 2026, 10:00 am - 3:00 pm, Gloucestershire Trainers: Sarah Naish and Sarah Dillon Tuesday 14th July 2026, 10:00 am - 3:00 pm, Manchester Available to attend both In-person & Online

Trauma-Informed Practice Trainer: Gareth Thomas Wednesday 13th May 2026, 10:00 am - 3:00 pm, Manchester Available to attend both In-person & Online

Introduction to Trauma-Informed Life Story Work

Trainers: Sarah Naish and Sarah Dillon Thursday 14th May 2026 – Dursley, Gloucestershire Available to attend both In-person & Online

For more information click on the QR code or go to https://www.coect.co.uk/live

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CoECT Training, Workshops & Events Schedule 2026 continued Day Retreat for Weary Parents Facilitator: Emma Edwards Friday 27th March 2026, 10:00 am - 4: 00 pm, Gloucestershire Friday 26th June 2026. 10:00 am - 4: 00 pm, Gloucestershire CoECT member's discount applies on our Day Retreat

Webinars and Online Events (20th March - 20th May 2026) Through the Keyhole - Nonsense Chatter Friday 10th April 2026, 12:00 pm - 1:00 pm, Live Online Join us for a supportive series designed to empower trauma-informed parents with practical tips and meaningful ideas. This is a welcoming space to share experiences, ask questions, and connect with others on the trauma-informed parenting journey.

TIPs Consult Wednesday 15th April 2026, 10:00 am - 11:00 am (BST) Wednesday 22nd April 2026. 8:00 pm - 9: 00 pm (BST) Wednesday 20th May 2026, 10:00 am - 11:00 am (BST) Live Online Are you looking for a supportive space to explore real-life challenges in therapeutic parenting and trauma-informed care?

Join the CoECT team for our monthly virtual meet-up — TIPS Consults — a warm, participant-led support group designed to empower you with practical, solution-focused strategies.

This is your space to bring real experiences, ask questions, and receive support from fellow caregivers and professionals who "get it." Every session is guided by the needs and voices of the group — you bring the topics, we explore the solutions together.

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“I want to but I can’t”

Image: ©S Joss

Understanding emotionally based school avoidance in children who have experienced early trauma Written By Saskia Joss “Help. My child is too anxious to go to school.”

When the Body Remembers

For many families, these words are associated with exhaustion, disruption and shame. School is meant to represent stability and belonging. When a child cannot walk through the gate, it can feel as though everything is unravelling.

Sometimes there is a clear trigger: a bereavement, a move, a friendship rupture, a teacher leaving.

Sometimes it is more subtle.

A contact arrangement changes.

Emotionally Based School Avoidance, or EBSA, is not defiance, nor laziness, nor a result of poor parenting.

An anniversary passes.

It is communication.

A review meeting happens.

When we view it through a trauma and attachment lens, it begins to make sense.

Stress increases at home.

Anxiety is a safety system.

Anxiety is the body’s alarm.

When a child perceives danger, their brain releases chemicals that prepare them to fight, flee, freeze or cling. Their body becomes vigilant and protective.

For children who have experienced early childhood trauma, including those who have been adopted or who are in the foster care system, this alarm system is often exquisitely sensitive.

Early separation, unpredictability and loss can teach a child’s body that safety is fragile.

When school begins to feel unsafe, even if nothing obvious has changed, their nervous system fervently may respond as though there is a lion waiting to eat them at the school gate.

Most children with EBSA wish they could go to school.

They want to see friends. They want to blend in. They want to feel normal.

Their body says “NO!”

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Children do not always articulate the link, but their body makes one.

A child who once experienced sudden loss may unconsciously believe that if they leave home, something terrible might happen. A child who has learned to monitor adult wellbeing may feel unable to relax in a classroom while their carer is out of sight. A child who has experienced rejection may fear that mistakes will lead to abandonment.

School is not always the threat.

Separation, unpredictability or shame may be.

The School Avoidance Cycle EBSA often follows a predictable pattern: 1. The child thinks about school.

2. The body detects threat.

3. Anxiety surges.

4. Avoidance brings relief.

5. The relief confirms that school was dangerous.

Each time avoidance works, the fear strengthens.

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For children who have experienced early trauma, the danger may not be imagined. It may be rational, sensory or rooted in earlier instability and danger.

Understanding this cycle allows us to intervene with compassion rather than force.

Misconceptions: What Has Got Stuck?

A key part of working with EBSA in trauma-impacted children is identifying misconceptions.

Children often “swallow” misunderstandings during stressful events. In transactional analysis, this is sometimes described as eating a sandwich with the wrapper on. The belief remains stuck, like digesting plastic.

It does not break down. It just sits there, shaping behaviour.

We are looking for what flawed information has got stuck in this child’s system.

Common trauma-linked misconceptions might include: “If I leave home, something bad will happen.”

“If I am not there, I cannot keep people safe.”

“If I struggle, I will be rejected.”

“If I am too much, I will be moved again.”

“If I am not perfect, I won’t be wanted.”

These beliefs are rarely spoken aloud. But they sit underneath the panic.

Rather than asking, “Why won’t you go?” we ask: “What do you think might happen if you go in?”

“Is there anything you worry about while you’re there?”

“What feels different about school compared to home?”

“If something went wrong at school, what do you imagine would happen next?”

“Do you ever worry about me when you’re away?”

“Has anything changed recently?”

We are looking for the wrapper.

Once identified, we gently replace flawed information with fact and lived evidence:

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Image: ©COECT via Canva “I have been safe every day you’ve been at school.” “I am fine at home.”

“I always come and pick you up and if there are any changes, I let you know.”

“It is my job to keep us safe.”

“If something feels hard, we work it out together.”

We are not dismissing the fear.

We are updating it.

We are helping the child digest what once felt indigestible.

We are replacing outdated threat messages with steady, repeated proof.

Push and Pull Factors When a child is refusing school, there are usually forces pulling them towards school and forces pushing them away.

Pull factors might include: - A trusted adult - A favourite subject - Feeling noticed for strengths - Predictable routines - Social connection For trauma-impacted children, relationship is often the strongest pull.

Push factors might include: - Bullying or exclusion - Academic pressure - Sensory overwhelm - Fear of separation - Shame - Emotional exhaustion

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Our job is not to eliminate every push immediately.

It is to strengthen the pulls while gradually softening the pushes.

Practical Strategies for Children

Has anything shifted?

Has stress increased?

Has contact visits changed?

Has there been illness or loss?

Start Small.

Sometimes school anxiety is about school.

Do not aim for a full week.

Sometimes it reflects home feeling fragile.

Ask: “What is one tiny part of the day you could manage?”

Often it is both.

Five minutes in the building.

One lesson.

One activity.

If your child is out of school, protect connection, movement, purpose and routine.

Start from the safest point and widen gradually.

Be predictable Never trick.

If you say you will collect them at a specific time, be there at that time.

Maintain structure at home.

Children without structure can begin to look depressed. Often this is a chemical drop rather than clinical depression.

Exercise, meaningful tasks and warm relational time matter enormously.

Do not punish fear

Trust is the intervention.

When a child is paralysed by anxiety, punishment increases shame.

Anchor to one safe adult.

They are not choosing this.

One consistent greeting.

One safe space.

One relational anchor.

They need you to be calm, steady and on their team.

Safety precedes learning.

Adjust the environment.

Small changes can reduce threat: - A different entrance - Arriving earlier to avoid crowds - A goodbye ritual - Walking in with a friend - A purposeful morning role Early success reduces anxiety for the rest of the day.

Practical Strategies for Parents and Carers Speak to school early. Frame conversations around safety rather than attendance.

Ask about relational issues, sensory overwhelm and academic pressure.

Look at home.

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Changing schools Before changing schools, pause.

Has trust broken down beyond repair?

Have reasonable adjustments been genuinely tried?

For children who have experienced early trauma, change itself can feel destabilising. If a move is needed, try to secure a new placement before withdrawing from the current one.

A Final Word Children who have experienced early childhood trauma often carry alarm systems that are quicker to fire and slower to settle.

Once a child’s brain has decided something is not safe, it can be a hard slog to convince it otherwise.

You cannot argue a nervous system into calm.

You cannot rush it.

But you can sit beside it.

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You can show over and over again: You are safe.

I am here.

We can take this one small step together.

Consistency, patience and care, alongside a steady and genuinely positive belief in the school and its plans, make a huge difference.

Brains update through evidence.

And evidence is gathered slowly.

Most children do not need pushing through lions.

They need someone steady beside them while the lion gets smaller.

About the author Saskia Joss is a BACP-registered child and adolescent therapist and school emotional wellbeing consultant based in London. She is the author of Help! My Child’s Anxiety is Giving Me Anxiety, with the paperback edition released on 24 April 2026.

Saskia co-hosts the parenting podcast Help! My Child’s Anxious, where she supports families navigating anxiety, school avoidance and emotional overwhelm. She runs the Mill Hill Therapy Hub, a network of therapeutic spaces supporting adults, children, couples and families both online and in person across London.

Saskia offers parenting support phone calls as well as therapy for children. Find out more at saskiajosstherapy.co.uk and millhilltherapyhub.co.uk, or follow her on Instagram @saskiajosstherapy.

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CoECT Learning Day: Behaviour as a Mode of Communication UNDERSTAND BEHAVIOUR — TRANSFORM YOUR PRACTICE Trauma-informed CPD Training for prfessionals working with Children & Young People.

Why This Course Matters Behaviour is more than noise — it is a form of communication. This powerful, one-day course reframes behaviour as an expression of unmet needs, emotional distress, or past trauma, helping you interpret actions with empathy and insight.

What You Will Gain Deep understanding of behaviour as communication Practical tools for identifying behaviour patterns Trauma-informed strategies to support regulation and connection Confidence to anticipate and respond with compassion

Duration: 10 am - 3 pm Locations: Wales, Gloucestershire, Manchester

Cost: £120 per person plus VAT Who Should Attend Practitioners working in education, social care, Trainer: Gareth Thomas health, youth work, therapeutic support, and family services who want to: For more information on dates for understand behaviour in context this course, go to www.coect.co.uk or scan the QR code below. respond with empathy strengthen practice grounded in trauma awareness

Sometimes We All Get Stuck!

If we are honest, we ALL get stuck sometimes. We get stuck in big feelings, stuck in transitions, stuck in a situation, or stuck when things spin out of control. Whether we are kids, adults, teachers, parents… no one is immune.

My twin sister and I started writing children’s books to give a voice to children and caregivers who can relate to the icky, yucky feelings of being stuck. We want children and parents everywhere to know that they are not alone. We believe in using children’s stories as tools to equip children and parents for the challenges of everyday life. Our book “Sometimes I Get Stuck” helps kids name when they are stuck and learn to self-regulate. This article highlights some common ways that children and their caregivers get stuck, but we also will follow up with some practical tips and tricks to help you get unstuck, so keep reading till the end! You are never stuck forever, there is ALWAYS something you can do to get unstuck.

Losing Control is Dysregulating for Everyone The biggest way that I feel stuck as a parent is often when I feel like I have lost control. I hate that feeling of being ignored, insulted, or defied.

It is frustrating and exhausting!

When we all feel out of control, small problems suddenly become BIG problems. This dysregulation and fight for control results in the child and the parent feeling overwhelmed and often unsafe in a power struggle. When people feel unsafe they almost always overreact until they can regulate and calm down. No learning happens and worst of all, no one is able to problem solve or find a solution. Now we both are stuck!

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Image: ©M Bursey

Written By Marlyn Bursey

happens and worst of all, no one is able to problem solve or find a solution. Now we both are stuck!

The key to getting unstuck from this chaos and storm is to self-regulate.

As a parent, I need to find ways to control my breathing and heartrate, so that my body doesn’t panic and overreact. Creating a plan, a consistent script/reaction, and a toolbox of ways to feel better, will help me as the caring adult to stay regulated. I can’t help my kids get unstuck, if I am stuck feeling angry and out of control too.

So, here is what you do. In a perfect world, you can co-regulate with your child, meaning you can both calm down together. But, the reality is that often you need to regulate yourself and then once you are calm and ready, then you are able to help your child regulate and attempt co-regulation together.

My Favourite Regulating Activities: Drink a cool cup of water Eat a crunchy snack Take 10 big belly breaths Sing a song, hum or listen to music Go for a walk, jump on a trampoline, run on the spot. Do something physical.

Roll, bounce or throw a ball together Take a couple moments of space in a quiet spot. Ex: “I know this is a hard moment/change, so I am going to go put the laundry in the basement, then I will be back in 5 minutes.”

Calmly removing yourself from the situation when it is safe, can help you reset and ground yourself.

Give yourself a hug or do some stretches

The Importance of Modelling Strategies Children are watching, and we can use this to our advantage. When I feel frustrated, or I am starting to lose my cool, I will pause and say: “I am stuck feeling angry, I am going to get a cold drink of water to help me feel better. Would you like one too?” Then I go and do it, and it helps me feel better every single time.

Another script I use is: “I feel my body getting all tight when I hear yelling. I am going to go take 10 deep belly breaths and then jump on the trampoline to help my body loosen up and feel better. Do you want to join me?” It might seem a bit awkward or scripted, but it does help. I used to write these phrases and scripts around my house on sticky notes to help me stay calm. It was amazing how my ability to selfregulate in turn helped create a calm and safe environment for my kid to learn to manage his big feelings.

Transitions at Home I find transitions and unexpected changes hard, so it is no surprise that my children often find transitions hard too. Often when confronted with a change in the schedule I will tell my sister: “Just give me 5 minutes to process. I’m sure we can make this work, but right now it feels impossible.”

As an adult, I know that if I take a couple of minutes to take some deep breaths, search for the positives, or understand the reason behind the change, then things will be alright…BUT children don’t often have these strategies.

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So for a child, learning that their video game ends in 2 minutes, or that they can’t go to a friend's house anymore, or that they are moving, or that their favourite food got burnt… is a HUGE deal for them.

They get overwhelmed since transitions feel bad, yucky and uncomfortable. This is where coregulation comes in. Even if our kids are struggling and having a meltdown, as the parent, I can model co-regulation techniques.

We don’t need to minimise the challenge to help children work through it. We can acknowledge:“ This is disappointing news, this really stinks and changes our plans, but let’s do something to help ourselves feel better.” Ideally the child and I can choose a regulating activity from the list we mentioned before. In our home we used to have a small box in our kitchen with strategies/activities. I would pick one at random and so would the child and we would do what the paper said to feel better. It was a playful way to encourage coregulation.

Full meltdowns can make it so kids are not ready or receptive to help.

As the parent, I can still model the self-regulating activities. When kids are in their “downstairs brain”, then any chance of reason and logic is gone. First, I need to help them regulate their emotions and their body before I can instruct, discipline or have a coherent conversation. I can model and bring calm and regulation to the situation. One practical example is: I can model balloon breathing. I can also say out loud: “I am stuck feeling angry, so I am going to eat an ice-pop and then go punch a pillow in my bedroom.” It is a win-win, as even if the child is not receptive to coregulation, the parent stays regulated which tends to help the child de-escalate.

Image: ©Bursey Twin Stories From then on, instead of seeing the tantrums and behaviours as power struggles, we saw the truth: he was stuck in big feelings and overwhelmed in transitions. When I shifted my mindset to “how can I help you get unstuck?” or “what can you do to get unstuck?” The kid responded. It was amazing! Instead of punishing, I was now empowering him to find ways to get unstuck. We used a “First, Then” velcro chart and we shifted our language to remind the boy of where and what he was supposed to be doing. In our children’s book we repeat the phrase “Oh no! What can I do?” in an effort to help kids realize that there is always something that they can do.

Take Away Don’t get bogged down in shame and guilt. As parents, we don’t always

handle situations the best, we are human. The good news is that the messages in our story for the children apply to the caregivers too. Below are some of my favourite helpful tips found in our book.

- “You can always repair, there is no need to despair”.

- “When I say words that are kind and true, I start to feel a little less blue”.

- “I can take a deep breath and calmly look about. I can take time to think and find a way out”.

- “I can brainstorm ways to solve the issue. I can ask for help, and accept a rescue.”

- “I can organise and clean, so I feel prepared. I can use good self-talk to be brave when scared.”

You are never stuck forever, there is always a way to get unstuck!

Transitions at School The idea for our children’s book came to me as I was working in a Life Skills Class and I noticed that one boy in particular really struggled with coming inside the classroom each morning. At first I viewed it as a behavioural struggle.

Then one of my colleagues said “I think he is stuck”.

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About the Author Marlyn and her identical twin sister, Alana, are foster parents and teachers. They create children’s stories to help support children going through transitions in a trauma-informed way.

If you are interested in free self-regulating resources, you can contact Marlyn and her twin sister, Alana, through their website, Bursey Twin Stories, and they are happy to share those with you.

Their book is called “Sometimes I Get Stuck”. is available on any Amazon platform.

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CoECT Membership Organisations working with children, families and community services are facing increasing complexity in their day-to-day practice. Alongside supporting families with diverse and often challenging needs, there is a growing responsibility to ensure staff feel confident, informed and well supported in their roles.

At the Centre of Excellence in Child Trauma (COECT), we have developed our group membership to help organisations strengthen both areas in a practical and sustainable way.

Our membership provides access to a range of evidence-informed resources designed to support professionals working with children and families. Grounded in trauma-informed and relationship-based approaches, these materials explore areas such as behaviour, attachment and the impact of early experiences.

By offering consistent and accessible guidance, we aim to support reflective practice and a shared understanding across teams and the families they support.

Professional development is a central part of our offer. Through membership, colleagues can engage in ongoing learning that is directly relevant to their roles across education, social care, early help and community provision. Our focus is on approaches that can be applied in real-world settings, helping practitioners translate learning into everyday practice. This supports the development of a confident workforce and a common language around meeting children’s needs.

help reduce professional isolation and strengthen collaborative working.

Our team brings together professional expertise and lived experience, including backgrounds in social work, foster care, adoption and therapeutic practice. This shapes the way we design and deliver our training and resources. We understand the realities practitioners and families face, including systemic pressures and competing demands, and we strive to ensure our work remains practical, relevant and grounded in what supports sustainable change.

We also recognise the importance of connection. Membership links organisations into a wider professional community committed to trauma-informed and relational practice.

For organisations seeking to embed trauma-informed and relational approaches more consistently, our group membership offers structured, accessible support. By investing in staff knowledge and confidence, organisations can strengthen the support they provide to the children and families they serve.

Opportunities to share thinking, experiences and approaches can

For more information go to https://www.coect.co.uk/join

For more information contact info@coect.co.uk or go to www.coect.co.uk/join

ASK THE EXPERTS Let our team of experts with first-hand experience, guide you through some of those tricky TIP moments!

This issue we are joined by Emma Edwards to answer your questions.

Emma is an adopter and Director of Therapeutic Services at The Centre of Excellence in Child Trauma.

PF from Surrey asks...

I feel completely overwhelmed with parenting lately. I’m reacting strongly to small things, and I notice I’m emotionally flat when my child is upset. Every day tasks feel heavy, and I sometimes isolate myself to cope. How can I tell if this is just a rough patch or burnout? And how can I reconnect with my children without feeling so drained?

Image: ©E Edwards

Emma replies: Parents are often encouraged to enjoy every moment, cherish the years, and make the most of childhood.

What we hear less about is how emotionally demanding parenting can be —especially when you are the person your child turns to for comfort, guidance, and reassurance every day.

Caring deeply for others requires emotional energy. Over time, that energy can become depleted. Many parents experience periods where they feel more reactive, more tired, or less emotionally available than they would like to be.

This is not a sign of failure. In many cases, it is a sign of compassion fatigue—a natural response to sustained emotional caregiving.

Recognising the signs can help parents pause, reset, and care for themselves in ways that ultimately support their children too.

Below are five signs your empathy reserves may be running low.

1. Small Things Trigger Big Reactions When emotional reserves are depleted, everyday challenges—spilt cereal, repeated questions, sibling disagreements—can feel harder to manage calmly.

Parents may notice themselves reacting more quickly or feeling overwhelmed by situations that once felt manageable.

This does not mean a parent lacks patience or love. It often means the nervous system is already under strain.

Taking a brief pause, stepping away for a moment, or simply breathing can help the body reset.

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2. Feeling Emotionally Numb or Disconnected Some parents expect burnout to feel like frustration or anger. However, many experience something different: emotional flatness.

A child’s distress may not evoke the usual instinct to comfort. Instead, there may be a sense of emotional distance or numbness.

This can feel concerning, but it is a common response when the brain is trying to protect itself from emotional overload. Compassion fatigue can temporarily dampen emotional responsiveness—it does not reflect a lack of care.

Reconnecting with one’s own feelings first can help restore emotional availability.

Parents carry a significant mental and emotional load, and without opportunities to rest and recharge, the system can become overwhelmed.

Intentional moments of genuine rest—not simply hiding or multitasking—can help restore balance.

3. Everyday Requests Feel Overwhelming Children naturally depend on their caregivers: “Can you help me?”

“Where is my…?”

“I’m hungry.”

When empathy reserves are low, even small requests can feel heavy.

Often, this is not about the request itself but the cumulative impact of continuous giving.

Parents are allowed to pause.

6. Replenishing Your Empathy as a Parent Empathy is not an endless resource. It needs replenishing, just like physical energy.

Parents often begin to restore their emotional reserves when they allow themselves to: · Rest without guilt · Let go of unrealistic expectations of perfect parenting · Set gentle boundaries around their time and energy · Ask for help when they need it · Remember they are individuals as well as caregivers Experiencing compassion fatigue does not mean a parent is doing something wrong.

More often, it reflects how deeply they have been caring for their children over a long period of time.

Supporting parents to care for themselves is not separate from supporting children—it is part of the same process.

When parents have space to refill their own emotional reserves, they are better able to offer the calm, connection, and safety children need to thrive.

Saying, “I need a minute and then I’ll help you,” model’s healthy boundaries while protecting emotional energy.

4. Withdrawing to Cope Some parents notice they begin avoiding interaction—staying in another room longer, delaying responses, or feeling irritated by small interruptions.

This withdrawal is often the mind’s way of creating space when emotional demands exceed capacity.

5. Moving Quickly Into “Fix-It” Mode When empathy is depleted, parents may shift from emotional connection to problemsolving.

Instead of sitting with a child’s feelings, the focus may quickly move to solutions.

While problem-solving is valuable, children often benefit first from feeling heard.

Simple responses such as “That sounds really difficult” or “I’m here with you” can help restore connection without requiring additional emotional labour.

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Why I Wobble at Easter

By Sarah Dillon

Easter was when they first took me into care.

I didn’t know who I’d stay with, or where.

I was only four years old, so I can’t really remember.

But it was certainly March or April—definitely not September.

The lady gave us chocolate, a tiny little rabbit.

Chocolate made me happy, so I soon developed a habit.

Sugar rushing through me, melting all the fear.

She tried to hug my sister, but I wouldn’t let her near.

In and out of the system for many years to come, Fighting all the adults, because I really missed my mum.

Now I’m older and wiser and mostly know my stuff, But I still struggle with Easter; I find it really rough.

My tummy starts to wobble, and I have jelly legs, When I walk into the shops and spot those dreaded eggs. © Sarah Dillon