How do our ‘mother parts’ respond to ‘bad’ behaviour
“I
want to but I can’t” Understanding emotionally based school avoidance in children who have experienced early trauma
What Your Child’s Triggers Are Really Telling You
Behaviour as a mode of communication: Sometimes We All Get Stuck!
Supporting Children through co-regulation
Beyond the reward chart
ExecutiveEditor-SarahNaish SarahisaTherapeuticParent,an Adopteroffivesiblings,Bestselling internationalAuthor,Keynote Speakerandfounderofthree IndependentTherapeuticFostering Agencies SarahisalsoandcofounderandCEOatTheCentreof ExcellenceinChildTraumaCIC
ExecutiveEditor-SairPenna Sair(Sarah)isaTherapeuticParent, Author,ParentCoachandHavening practitioner Sairisalsoco-founder andDirectorofTraining,Qualifications &QualityatTheCentreofExcellence inChildTraumaCIC
ManagingEditor-Kathryn Talbot
Kathrynisco-founderand managingeditoroftheTIPs magazine,atTheCentreof ExcellenceinChildTraumaCIC specialisinginpublicrelations.
ntributor-SaskiaJoss kiaisaBACP-registeredchild adolescenttherapist,school otionalwellbeingconsultant AuthorbasedinLondon She stheMillHillTherapyHub,a workoftherapeuticspaces portingadults,children, plesandfamiliesbothonline inpersonacrossLondon.
ntributor-MarlynBursey rlynisafosterparentand cher Alongsideheridentical nsisterAlana,shecreates dren’sstoriestohelpsupport drengoingthroughtransitions, trauma-informedway
Contributor-JessicaSpenceley Jessicaisatherapeuticsocial workerwithover20yearsof experiencehelpingadoptiveparents navigatetheirparentingjourneys usingtheattachment-based, trauma-informedparenting approachofTBRI®
Contributor-RachelNaylor RachelisthefounderofThe FamilyWellbeingHubCIC,where shesupportsparentsand professionalsinmovingtoward relational,neuro-affirming practices.
Contributor-Carolyn Baynes
Carolynisaqualifiedand licensedcognitivebehaviouralhypnotherapist aswellasamindfulness meditationteacher.She workstherapeuticallywith bothadultsandchildrenin Farnhamandonline
FromitsbeginningsasaTherapeuticParentingGrouponFacebooka decadeago,wehaveevolvedintoaCommunityInterestCompany dedicatedtosupportingparentsofchildrenwhohavefacedearlylife traumaanddisplayneurodiversecharacteristics.Thiseditionfocuseson thetopicofBehaviourasamodeofcommunication.
Welcome Everybody,
In this edition, we explore how behaviour serves as a form of communication for both children and parents Our contributors share a wealth of knowledge and experience, highlighting the various ways children express themselves through behaviour and how parents, along with supporting professionals, can offer the necessary support
We welcome our contributor, Carolyn Baynes, a licensed cognitive-behavioural hypnotherapist and mindfulness meditation teacher In her article, she explores how parents respond to their children's difficult behaviour and explains how using the Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy model can help parents understand their emotions with compassion
Rachel Naylor, a parent and teacher, has written an article exploring common behaviour management techniques that focus more on making children behave than on connecting with them, and emphasising the importance of understanding that a child’s unique needs and behaviour can indicate unmet needs rather than just a problem to control
We are joined by our regular contributor, Jessica Spenceley, a therapeutic social worker, who has written an article on how early experiences influence children's responses to stress and their feelings of safety The article also includes strategies for recognising early signs of distress in children and how to respond
We also welcome Saskia Joss, a Child Therapist, who has written an article about Emotionally Based School Avoidance and how parents and carers can understand and support children who have experienced early trauma.
Marlyn Bursey has contributed an article about feeling "stuck," a common experience for both children and adults during strong emotions or sudden change She explores strategies which can support children through transitions
This edition is our 20th and features highlights from our National Conference “Trauma and Tech”, which took place in mid-March in Cardiff, and was attended by both parents and social work professionals
We hope you enjoy this issue, and we will be back in May with our next issue
Warmest wishes
Sair, Sarah & The Team at The Centre of Excellence in Child Trauma C I C
CoECT National Conference OnThursday12 MarchweheldourAnnual NationalConferenceinCardiffforfosterparents andSupportingProfessionalswhosupport childrenincare.Thethemeoftheconferencewas “TraumaandTech”,acurrenttopicintheUKthat canbechallengingforparentsofchildrenwho haveexperiencedearlylifetraumaorwhodisplay neurodivergentcharacteristicstonavigate
Webeganourdaywithanengagingpresentation byDrJenLeefromHealthProfessionalsforSafer Screens.Sheaddressedsmartphonesandsocial media,focusingspecificallyontheirimpacton vulnerablechildren.Jensharedevidenceand insightsthathighlightedthechallengesandrisks posedbytheseplatformstoyoungusers,sparking animportantconversationabouttheirsafetyand well-being.
SarahNaishandSarahDillonexploredthe impactoftechonparent/childconnection, emphasisingtheimportanceofrebuildinglost relationshipsanddevelopingstrongemotional attachmentswithchildrenwhohave experiencedearlylifetraumaandlinked attachmentissuesduetothis Theirdiscussion alsoincludedpracticalapproachesto nurturingthoseconnectionsintoday’srapidly evolvingdigitallandscape
Image: ©CoECT
Image: ©CoECT
WeconcludedthedaywithSairPenna,who offeredauniqueperspectiveonhow technologyismanagedforchildrenwith autism Shesharedherpersonal experiencesofnavigatingtechnologyuse withherautisticchildandhighlightedthe benefitsofusingtechtoengagethechild's specialinterests,allowingotherstoseethe worldfromtheirperspective
Thedaywaswell-received,anditwasgreatto seesomanypeopleinattendance A recordingoftheconferencehasbeenmade available
AnemailwillbesentouttoCoECTsubscribers inthecomingweekswithdetailsonwaysto accesstherecordedversion
Afterlunch,GarethThomaspresentedan informativetalkfocusingonpractical strategiesformanagingtechnologyuse amongchildrenandyoungpeople
Duringhispresentation,hesharedinsights andtechniquesthatparentscanuseto effectivelyintegratetechnologyintofamily life,emphasisingtheimportanceofsetting clearboundariesregardingscreentime andencouragingopencommunication aboutonlineactivities.
Ifyou’renotyetsubscribedtoouremails, weencourageyoutoreachouttousat info@coect.co.uk.
Bydoingso,you’llstayinformedabout thelatestnewsandeventsatCoECTand won'tmissanyimportantupdates.
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behaviour? Written By Carolyn Baynes
UnburdeningParenthood Haveyouevernoticedthatonepart ofyouadoresyourchild,while anotherpartfeelsexhaustedor resentful?
Orthatpartofyoulovesbedtime stories,whileanotherpartisquietly wishingtheywouldjustgotosleep soyoucanfinallyrest? Ifso,you’re notalone andthereisnothing wrongwithyou
Weallhavedifferent‘parts’insideus, andeachonehasgoodintentions. InthetherapymodelInternalFamily Systems(IFS),welearnhowtogetto knowthesepartswithcuriosityand compassionratherthanjudgment.
Whenwebecomeparents whetherthroughbirth,fostering,or adoption newpartsofuscome online Suddenly,we’reresponsible foranotherhumanbeing,andthat canbringawhirlwindofemotions weneverexpected.
Ouranxiousparts,ourself-critical parts,ourworryingparts theyare alltryingtoprotectusandour children Butwhenwe’reexhausted, overwhelmed,unsupported,or stretchedtoothin,thosepartscan becomeheavyandloud.
Sohowdoyourpartsreactwhen yourchild’sbehaviouristriggering?
Dotheyrushtodefendyouwith angerandadesiretopunish?
Dotheycollapseandwanttohideor distractfromthehurt?
Trygettingcuriousaboutthe waysyouaretriggeredbyyour child’sbehaviour.Thentrydoing a“YouTurn” Thisiswhenwe attendtoourowntriggeredparts beforeweattempttorespondto ourchild’striggeredparts.
It’shelpfultopracticethisonyour ownorwithafriendfirst
Imagineyourchild’sbehaviour Thennoticethepartthatleapsto yourdefenceortriestodealwith orfixthebehaviour.Bringitsome curiosity
Howdiditlearntotalklikethat?
Howisittryingtohelp?
Howoldisthispart?
Tooursurprise,wemightfind thatthepartofustryingto controlourchild’sbehaviouris notmucholderthanthechild itself,andhasn’tyetmetthe “you”thatisnotapart
Thesepartsareoftenverytired andoverwhelmed Bringingthem yourcompassionand appreciationfortheincredible worktheyaredoingcanbe deeplysoothing
Youmightjournalabouthow theyarefeelingandrecognise thatthisisn’tallofyou thisisa partofyou
Nexttimeyourpartistriggered byyourchild’sbehaviour,itmight
trustyoualittlemore Ratherthan leapingintoitsusualprotective strategies,itmaysoftenandrelax Youmightremembertopause,take abreath,andsenditsome compassion.
Onceyousensesomerelaxation,it becomeseasiertorespondtothe situationfromwhatIFScallstheSelf. WeknowweareinSelfenergy becauseourresponsestendtobe characterisedbythe8Cs: Curiosity Calm Connection Compassion Courage Confidence Creativity Clarity
Forexample,Irememberlast Januarywhenthetemperatures werebelowzeroandmyteen announcedhewas“justoff camping”
Myinitialreaction whichI registeredinamillisecond wasa Molotovcocktailofpanicandalarm Butoncethatreactionwas acknowledged,InoticedIfelt curiousinstead
“Ah,whereareyouplanningon camping?”(Hedidn’tknowyet.) “Doyouhaveasleepingbag?”(Yes, butitwasasummerone)
“Doyouthinkyou’llgetenough
timeinthemorningtohave breakfastbeforecollege?” (Err no)
Gradually,thecuriosityand connection withouttrying tosolvetheproblem slowedthemomentdown enoughformysontorethink theplanhimself Sooften,we arelendingourprefrontal cortextoourchildren,butin awaythatgentlymodels
howtheycanbeginto accesstheirownplanning andthinking-aheadparts (asinmyson’sexample) Wesimplycan’tdothat whenwearedeepinthered zoneofourownfight,flight, orfreezeresponses Overtime,the“YouTurn” becomesahabit awayof lifethatguidesourguiding andsupportsour supporting.
Carolynworkstherapeuticallywith adultsandchildreninFarnhamand online.
Ifyouwouldliketolearnmoreabout thistherapy,youcancontact CarolynBaynesviaemail info@carolynbaynescouk
Have you subscribed to TIPs yet? Therapeutic Help and Support Introducing Our 20-Minute Nervous System Reset Modernlifemovesquickly Between work,familyresponsibilities,and constantdigitaldemands,manyof usspendlongperiodsoperatingin aheightenedstateofstress Over time,thiscanleavethebodyand mindfeelingoverwhelmed,tense, andmentallyfatigued.
Tohelpcounterthis,we’re introducinganew20-Minute NervousSystemReset ashortbut powerfulsessiondesignedtohelp youpause,regulate,andrestore balance.
Thisguidedsessionusesgentle therapeutictechniquesand mindfulnesspractices,tosupport thebody’snaturalabilitytocalm thenervoussystem
Behaviour as a Mode of Communication: Beyond the Reward Chart Written By Rachel Naylor
Rewardcharts,the‘naughty step’,red/amber/greentraffic lights,apps,thegoldenstar, pocketmoney,certificates,child oftheweek,asaparentand educatorof20+yearsI’veseen andusedthemall Theyall worked,toadegree But‘toa degree’istheproblem.
The‘carrotandstick’behaviour approachesdon’tactually changeanything.Theydon’t addressunderlyingissuesor unmetneeds,andtheycertainly don’tgiveourchildrenavoice. Thesemethodsaredesignedto conditionchildrenintobehaving ‘correctly,’prioritising complianceoverconnection.But straightaway,wehitasnag: Whodefineswhat‘correctly’ lookslike?Itisentirelysubjective, andwhenweimposean arbitrarystandardof"good,"we leaveourchildrenfeeling confusedandunheard
Forneurodivergentchildrenor thosewithtraumahistories,this goesbeyondmereconfusion;it cancauseactiveharm.By demandingcomplianceabove allelse,weinadvertentlyteach themtomask;tohidetheir internaldistresstofitanadult's convenience.Weareteaching themthattheirinternalsafety anduniquenervoussystem needsarelessimportantthan "fittingin"
ItwasonlywhenIwasteaching incollegerecentlythatIrealised wearestillencouragingfuture teacherstousethesevery models Weareteachingthem toconditionchildrenratherthan
connectwiththemthrough relationalapproaches.
Iunderstandtheneedforan orderlyclassroom,butwemust askourselves:atwhatcost? Whenwe‘condition’achildto behavein‘acceptable’ways, we’renotteachingthem;weare silencingthem.
MySon:MyGreatestEducator
Fortunatelyforme,Igavebirthto asonwhorefusedtobe silenced!My14-year-oldsonhas taughtmemorethanany textbookordegreeevercould In theearlyyears,Iboughtallthe books;HowtoRaiseYourSpirited Child,RaisingBoys,andevery manualinbetween
Whilethosebookscontain nuggetsofwisdom,theyall sharethesameblindspot:no ‘method’caneverallowforthe factthateachchildisaunique individual.
Mysonconsistentlycalledme outandstoppedmeinmy tracks,forcingmetotakealook atmyownbehaviourand conditionedbeliefs Asateacher, itwasashocktothesystemto beginwith,butthenIstartedto listenmoreclosely
BecomingtheTranslator
I’mnotashamedtoadmitthatI usedtogetsweptawaybymy ownchild’sbigemotions.His behaviourtriggeredreactionsin me,butovertime,Ilearntto managemyownemotionsina
betterwaywhichmeantthatI couldholdspaceforhimand learnwhatwasactuallygoing on Isoonsawpatternsof dysregulationandstartedto understandthetriggersthat wouldsendhisnervoussystem intoaspiral
Learningallaboutneuroscience intheearlyyearsandhowthe braindevelopswasaturning pointtoo Onceyouunderstand thescience,youstoplookingfor a"fix"andstartlookingfora " cause"Foryears,we’vebeen fixatedonthebehavioural model;theideathatbehaviouris somethingtobe"managed"But theneurosciencetellsusthat behaviourisaphysical manifestationofwhatis happeninginsidethebrainand body
Aspractitionersandparents,our jobistobethetranslator We needtoknowthechildsodeeply thatwecanunderstandwhat theyarecommunicating,even whentheydon'tyethavethe toolstodoitthemselves Whena child"actsout,"theyareoften usingtheonlytoolstheyhaveto signalanunmetneed
TheAccountabilityElephant: Co-CreatedBoundaries WheneverItalkaboutmoving awayfrom"management,"the questionofaccountability alwaysarises.Peopleworrythat arelationalapproachmeans "anythinggoes"Itdoesn't Infact, itrequiresmoreintentionality
Lastyear,Itookthisunderstanding backintotheclassroomandcocreatedourframeworkwiththe children Weusedaconcentriccircle modeltoestablishourcollective values Wedidn'tjustsetrules;we asked:
Whatisourvalue?(eg,Kindness orSafety)
Whatneedstobedonetoday? (Thetaskathand)
Whataretherewardsfor completion?(Thenaturaljoyof finishingorasharedactivity)
Whatareourboundaries?(e.g., Notalkingwhenothersare writing)
Whataretheconsequencesif thesearen'tmet?Byfacilitating thisratherthandictatingit,the childrentookownership They weren'tbeing"managed";they werebeingmentored Itwasa game-changer
Overstimulationorsensory overwhelm
Tiredness,hunger,orthirst
Anxietyoralackof"feltsafety"
ANewFrameworkfor Connection Nobodygoesouttobe"badly behaved."Bylabellingbehaviours as "good"or"naughty,"weare shamingchildren Theycompare themselvestotheirpeersandsome giveupcompletely,assumingthe roleofthe"naughtyone"because theyfeelthey’llneverbegood enough Theyinternaliseasenseof beingfundamentally"wrong"or "failing"insteadofunderstanding howtheirownuniquebrainworks
Ihavebeenontheendofteaching childrenwhohavealreadyput themselvesinthese"boxes,"andit isheart-breakingtosee Ittakes significantlymoreworktounpick thosedeep-seatedbeliefsthanit wouldhavetosimplynotwirethem inthefirstplace!
Whenwetakeaway"behaviour management,"wedosomething radical:weempowerchildrento learnself-regulationandselfreflection Therootcausesof "disruptive"behaviourareusually universal: TheCostofLabels
Whenwehelpchildrenunderstandtheir ownbrains,researchsuggeststhatwe improvetheirmentalhealthandlife chances(TheCenterontheDeveloping ChildatHarvardUniversity) Butthis startswithus Thebestwaytosupport thechildrenwecarefor,whetherat homeorintheclassroom,isbyrolemodellingourownregulation
ThePowerofthe"I’mSorry" Saying"sorry"toachildafteryou’ve snappedisoneofthemostpowerful restorativeactsyoucanperform It showsthemthatadultsmakemistakes and,crucially,thatadultstake responsibility Explainingthatyouwere tiredorhungryisn'tanexcuse;it'sa lessoninbiology Youareteaching themthattheirinternalstateaffects theirexternalactions
Asadults,manyofuslivewith suppressedvoicesbecauseweweren't taughthowourbrainswork Whenwe startbymeetingourownneedsand role-modellingregulation,therestfalls intoplace.Theaimisnottobeperfect; childrenneedtoseeusmakemistakes andmakeitright!
Thisshiftisattheheartofmywork atTheFamilyWellbeingHubCIC. Weguideadultsbacktotheirown needsandutiliseour3-Step K’nnekted™Frameworktosupport children.Itisaprocessco-created withthechild,rootedinthe sciencethatallahumanneedsto thriveis:
1 Safetyintheirbodies
2 Safetyintheirrelationships
3 Safetyintheirspaces
Nexttimeachildisshoutingor pullingatyoursleeve,takea breath Remember:they’renot tryingtoannoyyou;theyaretrying totellyousomething Oncethe nervoussystemhassettled,ask theonlyquestionthatmatters: "Whatwasityouneeded?"
Thiswillhaveafarbiggerimpact thananystickerorrewardchart. Youcanfindoutmoreabout Rachel’sworkandtheK’nnekted™ Frameworkat wwwthefamilywellbeinghubcouk
Image: ©COECT via Canva
What Your Child’s Triggers Are Really Telling You Written By Jessica Spenceley
Earlylifeexperiencesshapehow adoptedchildrenrespondto stress That’swhytheymaybe quicktoreactorwhythetiniest thingcanleadtoahuge reactionthatseemstocomeout ofnowhere!Butinsteadof focusingyourparentingaround stoppingormanaging behaviour,atherapeutic parentingapproachinvitesyou toaskabetterquestion:
Howsafedoesmychildfeel rightnow?
BehaviourisInformation
Itcanbetemptingtogointo problem-solvingmode,butreal shiftsstartfromunderstanding what’smakingyourkiddofeel unsafe.Seeminglyrandom outburstsareoftenlinkedtosubtle triggersthatcanbeeasytomiss. Someofthecommononesinthe adoptivefamiliesIworkwithare toneofvoice,transitions,certain facialexpressions,sensory overload,andremindersofthe past.Thesetriggerscanbeeasyto overlookbecausetheymaynot seemsobigonthesurface Butto yourchild,theysignaldanger
Youmayknowyourchildissafe, butwhatdrivestheirreactionis whethertheyfeelsafe.
Whenyourchild’ssenseofsafety drops,theymovestraightinto protectionmode Yourchild’sbig reactionsaren’taboutbeing difficultordefiant;they’reabout stayingsafe.Abigpartofhelping
tobuildyourchildren’ssenseof safetyisnoticing noticingthe earlysignsthatyourchildis startingtofeeloverwhelmedor unsure
Thatmightlooklikeashiftin theirbody,achangeintheir tone,moresilliness,ormore rigidity Theseareoftenthefirst cluesthatsafetyisslipping, evenbeforeabigreaction showsup
Asyourchild’ssenseofsafety grows,you’llnoticethattheir reactionsaren’tasintense Triggers don’thitashard,andrecovery happensmorequickly
Whenyoucatchthose momentsearly,youhavemore roomtorespondproactively Youcanslowthingsdown,offer reassurance,orincrease connectionbeforeyourchild tipsintoprotectionmode.Thisis whereobservationbecomes suchapowerfultool.You’renot watchingtocatch misbehaviour you’re watchingtounderstand.
SupportingSafety Thatmightmeansittingclose, usingawarmandsteady voice,offeringasnackor water,orsimplystaying nearbyandlettingyourchild knowyou’rethere.Overtime, thesesmallmomentsaddup andsendaclearmessage: You’resafe I’mwithyou You don’thavetohandlethis alone Andthatstrengthens safety
Yourchildstartstotrustmorethat bigfeelingswon’tthreatenthe relationship thatyou’llstay,help, andguidethemthrough
Thegoalisn’tperfectbehaviour
Thegoalisachildwhofeelssafe enoughtosettle,safeenoughto recover,andsafeenoughtostay connectedevenwhenthingsare hard.
That’swhererealchange,andreal healing,happens.
Jessicaisthefounderof NurturedBelonging,whereshe coachesadoptiveparentsto supporttheirchildreninhealing fromearlyadversityand trauma
TolearnmoreaboutTBRIor connectwithJessica,visit https://nurturedbelongingcom/
UPCOMING EVENTS CoECT Training, Workshops & Events Schedule 2026 Our training days are open to parents, carers and supporting professionals in the health, education and social care sectors. Some training days count towards part of the Level 4 Diploma in Trauma- informed Practice, as indicated below.
BAIRT - Behaviour Assessment of Impact and Resolution Tool
Trainer: Sarah Naish
Tuesday 23rd June 2026, 10:00 am - 3:00pm via Zoom
Understanding behaviour as a mode of communication
Trainer: Gareth Thomas
Wednesday 17th June 2026, 10:00 am - 3:00 pm, Manchester
Available to attend both In-person & Online
Trauma-Informed Practice
Trainer: Gareth Thomas
Wednesday 13th May 2026, 10:00 am - 3:00 pm, Manchester
Available to attend both In-person & Online
Introduction to Trauma-Informed Life Story Work
Trainers: Sarah Naish and Sarah Dillon
Thursday 14 May 2026 – Dursley, Gloucestershire th
Available to attend both In-person & Online
For more information click on the QR code or go to https://www.coect.co.uk/live
CoECT Training, Workshops & Events Schedule 2026 Day Retreat for Weary Parents
Facilitator: Emma Edwards
Friday 27 March 2026, 10:00 am - 4: 00 pm, Gloucestershire th
Friday 26 June 2026. 10:00 am - 4: 00 pm, Gloucestershire th
CoECT member's discount applies on our Day Retreat
Webinars and Online Events (20 March - 20 May 2026) th th Through the Keyhole - Nonsense Chatter Friday 10 April 2026, 12:00 pm - 1:00 pm, th Live Online
Join us for a supportive series designed to empower trauma-informed parents with practical tips and meaningful ideas. This is a welcoming space to share experiences, ask questions, and connect with others on the trauma-informed parenting journey.
TIPs Consult
Wednesday 15 April 2026, 10:00 am - 11:00 am (BST) th
Wednesday 22 April 2026. 8:00 pm - 9: 00 pm (BST) nd
Wednesday 20 May 2026, 10:00 am - 11:00 am (BST) th Live Online
Are you looking for a supportive space to explore real-life challenges in therapeutic parenting and trauma-informed care?
Join the CoECT team for our monthly virtual meet-up TIPS Consults a warm, participant-led support group designed to empower you with practical, solution-focused strategies.
This is your space to bring real experiences, ask questions, and receive support from fellow caregivers and professionals who "get it." Every session is guided by the needs and voices of the group you bring the topics, we explore the solutions together.
“I want to but I can’t” Understandingemotionally basedschoolavoidancein childrenwhohaveexperienced earlytrauma Written By Saskia Joss
“Help.Mychildistooanxioustogotoschool.”
Formanyfamilies,thesewordsareassociatedwith exhaustion,disruptionandshame Schoolismeantto representstabilityandbelonging Whenachildcannot walkthroughthegate,itcanfeelasthougheverything isunravelling.
EmotionallyBasedSchoolAvoidance,orEBSA,isnot defiance,norlaziness,noraresultofpoorparenting
Itiscommunication
Whenweviewitthroughatraumaandattachment lens,itbeginstomakesense.
Anxietyisasafetysystem
Anxietyisthebody’salarm.
WhentheBodyRemembers
Sometimesthereisacleartrigger:abereavement, amove,afriendshiprupture,ateacherleaving
Sometimesitismoresubtle
Acontactarrangementchanges
Ananniversarypasses
Areviewmeetinghappens
Stressincreasesathome
Childrendonotalwaysarticulatethelink,buttheir bodymakesone
Whenachildperceivesdanger,theirbrainreleases chemicalsthatpreparethemtofight,flee,freezeor cling.Theirbodybecomesvigilantandprotective.
Forchildrenwhohaveexperiencedearlychildhood trauma,includingthosewhohavebeenadoptedor whoareinthefostercaresystem,thisalarmsystemis oftenexquisitelysensitive
Earlyseparation,unpredictabilityandlosscanteacha child’sbodythatsafetyisfragile.
Whenschoolbeginstofeelunsafe,evenifnothing obvioushaschanged,theirnervoussystemfervently mayrespondasthoughthereisalionwaitingtoeat themattheschoolgate
MostchildrenwithEBSAwishtheycouldgotoschool. Theywanttoseefriends.Theywanttoblendin.They wanttofeelnormal
Theirbodysays“NO!”
Achildwhoonceexperiencedsuddenlossmay unconsciouslybelievethatiftheyleavehome, somethingterriblemighthappen Achildwhohas learnedtomonitoradultwellbeingmayfeel unabletorelaxinaclassroomwhiletheircareris outofsight Achildwhohasexperiencedrejection mayfearthatmistakeswillleadtoabandonment
Schoolisnotalwaysthethreat.
Separation,unpredictabilityorshamemaybe
TheSchoolAvoidanceCycle EBSAoftenfollowsapredictablepattern:
1 Thechildthinksaboutschool
2 Thebodydetectsthreat
3.Anxietysurges.
4 Avoidancebringsrelief
5 Thereliefconfirmsthatschoolwasdangerous
Eachtimeavoidanceworks,thefearstrengthens.
s s w
I
W s C i “ “
“IfIstruggle,Iwillberejected”
“IfIamtoomuch,Iwillbemovedagain.”
“IfIamnotperfect,Iwon’tbewanted”
Thesebeliefsarerarelyspokenaloud Buttheysit underneaththepanic
Ratherthanasking,“Whywon’tyougo?”weask:
“Whatdoyouthinkmighthappenifyougoin?”
“Isthereanythingyouworryaboutwhileyou’re there?”
“Whatfeelsdifferentaboutschoolcomparedto home?”
“Ifsomethingwentwrongatschool,whatdoyou imaginewouldhappennext?”
“Doyoueverworryaboutmewhenyou’reaway?”
“Hasanythingchangedrecently?”
Wearelookingforthewrapper
Onceidentified,wegentlyreplaceflawed informationwithfactandlivedevidence:
Wearenotdismissingthefear
Weareupdatingit.
Wearehelpingthechilddigestwhatoncefeltindigestible
Wearereplacingoutdatedthreatmessageswithsteady, repeatedproof
PushandPullFactors Whenachildisrefusingschool,thereareusuallyforces pullingthemtowardsschoolandforcespushingthem away
Pullfactorsmightinclude: -Atrustedadult -Afavouritesubject -Feelingnoticedforstrengths -Predictableroutines -Socialconnection
Fortrauma-impactedchildren,relationshipisoftenthe strongestpull.
Pushfactorsmightinclude: -Bullyingorexclusion -Academicpressure -Sensoryoverwhelm -Fearofseparation -Shame -Emotionalexhaustion
Image: ©COECT via Canva
Ourjobisnottoeliminateeverypushimmediately. Itistostrengthenthepullswhilegradually softeningthepushes
PracticalStrategiesforChildren
StartSmall
Donotaimforafullweek
Ask:
“Whatisonetinypartofthedayyoucould manage?”
Fiveminutesinthebuilding Onelesson Oneactivity
Startfromthesafestpointandwidengradually
Bepredictable
Nevertrick
Ifyousayyouwillcollectthemataspecifictime, bethereatthattime.
Trustistheintervention
Anchortoonesafeadult.
Oneconsistentgreeting Onesafespace. Onerelationalanchor.
Safetyprecedeslearning
Adjusttheenvironment.
Smallchangescanreducethreat:
-Adifferententrance
-Arrivingearliertoavoidcrowds -Agoodbyeritual -Walkinginwithafriend -Apurposefulmorningrole
Earlysuccessreducesanxietyfortherestofthe day.
PracticalStrategiesforParentsandCarers
Speaktoschoolearly Frameconversationsaround safetyratherthanattendance.
Askaboutrelationalissues,sensoryoverwhelmand academicpressure
Lookathome
Hasanythingshifted? Hasstressincreased? Hascontactvisitschanged?
Hastherebeenillnessorloss?
Sometimesschoolanxietyisaboutschool
Sometimesitreflectshomefeelingfragile
Oftenitisboth
Maintainstructureathome
Ifyourchildisoutofschool,protectconnection, movement,purposeandroutine.
Childrenwithoutstructurecanbegintolook depressed Oftenthisisachemicaldropratherthan clinicaldepression.
Exercise,meaningfultasksandwarmrelationaltime matterenormously
Donotpunishfear
Whenachildisparalysedbyanxiety,punishment increasesshame.
Theyarenotchoosingthis
Theyneedyoutobecalm,steadyandontheir team
Changingschools
Beforechangingschools,pause
Hastrustbrokendownbeyondrepair?
Havereasonableadjustmentsbeengenuinelytried?
Forchildrenwhohaveexperiencedearlytrauma, changeitselfcanfeeldestabilising Ifamoveis needed,trytosecureanewplacementbefore withdrawingfromthecurrentone
AFinalWord
Childrenwhohaveexperiencedearlychildhood traumaoftencarryalarmsystemsthatare quickertofireandslowertosettle
Onceachild’sbrainhasdecidedsomethingis notsafe,itcanbeahardslogtoconvinceit otherwise
Youcannotargueanervoussystemintocalm.
Youcannotrushit
Butyoucansitbesideit.
Youcanshowoverandoveragain:
Youaresafe
Iamhere.
Wecantakethisonesmallsteptogether
Consistency,patienceandcare,alongsideasteadyandgenuinelypositivebeliefintheschoolandits plans,makeahugedifference.
Brainsupdatethroughevidence
Andevidenceisgatheredslowly.
Mostchildrendonotneedpushingthroughlions
Theyneedsomeonesteadybesidethemwhiletheliongetssmaller.
Abouttheauthor SaskiaJossisaBACP-registeredchildandadolescenttherapistandschoolemotional wellbeingconsultantbasedinLondon.SheistheauthorofHelp!MyChild’sAnxietyisGiving MeAnxiety,withthepaperbackeditionreleasedon24April2026.
Saskiaco-hoststheparentingpodcastHelp!MyChild’sAnxious,whereshesupportsfamilies navigatinganxiety,schoolavoidanceandemotionaloverwhelm.SherunstheMillHill TherapyHub,anetworkoftherapeuticspacessupportingadults,children,couplesand familiesbothonlineandinpersonacrossLondon
Saskiaoffersparentingsupportphonecallsaswellastherapyforchildren Findoutmoreat saskiajosstherapycoukandmillhilltherapyhubcouk,orfollowheronInstagram @saskiajosstherapy
UNDERSTANDBEHAVIOUR—TRANSFORMYOURPRACTICE Trauma-informedCPDTrainingforprfessionalsworkingwithChildren&Young People.
WhyThisCourseMatters
Behaviourismorethanno communication.Thispow reframesbehaviourasan needs,emotionaldistress, helpingyouinterpretactio insight.
WhatYouWillGain
Deepunderstandingof communication
Practicaltoolsforident patternsTrauma-inform supportregulationand Confidencetoanticipat compassion
WhoShouldAttend
Practitionersworkingineducation,socialcare, health,youthwork,therapeuticsupport,and familyserviceswhowantto: understandbehaviourincontext respondwithempathy strengthenpracticegroundedintrauma awareness
Duration:10am-3pm
Locations:Wales,Gloucestershire, Manchester
Cost:£120perpersonplusVAT
Trainer:GarethThomas
Formoreinformationondatesfor thiscourse,gotowww.coect.co.ukor scantheQRcodebelow.
Written By Marlyn Bursey
Ifwearehonest,weALLgetstuck sometimes Wegetstuckinbig feelings,stuckintransitions,stuckin asituation,orstuckwhenthings spinoutofcontrol Whetherweare kids,adults,teachers,parents no oneisimmune
MytwinsisterandIstartedwriting children’sbookstogiveavoiceto childrenandcaregiverswhocan relatetotheicky,yuckyfeelingsof beingstuck Wewantchildrenand parentseverywheretoknowthat theyarenotalone Webelievein usingchildren’sstoriesastoolsto equipchildrenandparentsforthe challengesofeverydaylife Our book“SometimesIGetStuck”helps kidsnamewhentheyarestuckand learntoself-regulate Thisarticle highlightssomecommonwaysthat childrenandtheircaregiversget stuck,butwealsowillfollowupwith somepracticaltipsandtricksto helpyougetunstuck,sokeep readingtilltheend!Youarenever stuckforever,thereisALWAYS somethingyoucandotoget unstuck
LosingControlisDysregulatingfor Everyone ThebiggestwaythatIfeelstuckas aparentisoftenwhenIfeellikeI havelostcontrol Ihatethatfeeling ofbeingignored,insulted,ordefied Itisfrustratingandexhausting! Whenweallfeeloutofcontrol, smallproblemssuddenlybecome BIGproblems Thisdysregulation andfightforcontrolresultsinthe childandtheparentfeeling overwhelmedandoftenunsafeina powerstruggle Whenpeoplefeel unsafetheyalmostalways overreactuntiltheycanregulate andcalmdown Nolearning happensandworstofall,nooneis abletoproblemsolveorfinda solution Nowwebotharestuck!
happensandworstofall,nooneis abletoproblemsolveorfinda solution Nowwebotharestuck!
Thekeytogettingunstuckfromthis chaosandstormistoself-regulate. Asaparent,Ineedtofindwaysto controlmybreathingandheartrate, sothatmybodydoesn’tpanicand overreact.Creatingaplan,a consistentscript/reaction,anda toolboxofwaystofeelbetter,will helpmeasthecaringadulttostay regulated.Ican’thelpmykidsget unstuck,ifIamstuckfeelingangry andoutofcontroltoo
So,hereiswhatyoudo.Inaperfect world,youcanco-regulatewith yourchild,meaningyoucanboth calmdowntogether But,thereality isthatoftenyouneedtoregulate yourselfandthenonceyouare calmandready,thenyouareable tohelpyourchildregulateand attemptco-regulationtogether.
MyFavouriteRegulatingActivities: Drinkacoolcupofwater
Eatacrunchysnack
Take10bigbellybreaths
Singasong,humorlistento music
Goforawalk,jumpona trampoline,runonthespot Do somethingphysical
Roll,bounceorthrowaball together
Takeacouplemomentsof spaceinaquietspot Ex:“Iknow thisisahardmoment/change, soIamgoingtogoputthe laundryinthebasement,thenI willbebackin5minutes”
Calmlyremovingyourselffrom thesituationwhenitissafe,can helpyouresetandground yourself
Giveyourselfahugordosome stretches
TheImportanceofModelling Strategies Childrenarewatching,andwecan usethistoouradvantage WhenI feelfrustrated,orIamstartingto losemycool,Iwillpauseandsay:“I amstuckfeelingangry,Iamgoing togetacolddrinkofwatertohelp mefeelbetter.Wouldyoulikeone too?”ThenIgoanddoit,andit helpsmefeelbettereverysingle time
AnotherscriptIuseis:“Ifeelmy bodygettingalltightwhenIhear yelling Iamgoingtogotake10 deepbellybreathsandthenjump onthetrampolinetohelpmybody loosenupandfeelbetter Doyou wanttojoinme?”Itmightseema bitawkwardorscripted,butitdoes help Iusedtowritethesephrases andscriptsaroundmyhouseon stickynotestohelpmestaycalm.It wasamazinghowmyabilitytoselfregulateinturnhelpedcreatea calmandsafeenvironmentformy kidtolearntomanagehisbig feelings.
TransitionsatHome Ifindtransitionsandunexpected changeshard,soitisnosurprise thatmychildrenoftenfind transitionshardtoo.Oftenwhen confrontedwithachangeinthe scheduleIwilltellmysister:“Just giveme5minutestoprocess I’m surewecanmakethiswork,but rightnowitfeelsimpossible.”
Asanadult,IknowthatifItakea coupleofminutestotakesome deepbreaths,searchforthe positives,orunderstandthereason behindthechange,thenthingswill bealright…BUTchildrendon’toften havethesestrategies
Soforachild,learningthattheir videogameendsin2minutes,or thattheycan’tgotoafriend's houseanymore,orthattheyare moving,orthattheirfavouritefood gotburnt isaHUGEdealforthem Theygetoverwhelmedsince transitionsfeelbad,yuckyand uncomfortable.Thisiswherecoregulationcomesin Evenifourkids arestrugglingandhavinga meltdown,astheparent,Ican modelco-regulationtechniques. Wedon’tneedtominimisethe challengetohelpchildrenwork throughit Wecanacknowledge:“ Thisisdisappointingnews,this reallystinksandchangesourplans, butlet’sdosomethingtohelp ourselvesfeelbetter”Ideallythe childandIcanchoosearegulating activityfromthelistwementioned before Inourhomeweusedto haveasmallboxinourkitchenwith strategies/activities.Iwouldpick oneatrandomandsowouldthe childandwewoulddowhatthe papersaidtofeelbetter Itwasa playfulwaytoencouragecoregulation
Fullmeltdownscanmakeitsokids arenotreadyorreceptivetohelp. Astheparent,Icanstillmodelthe self-regulatingactivities Whenkids areintheir“downstairsbrain”,then anychanceofreasonandlogicis gone First,Ineedtohelpthem regulatetheiremotionsandtheir bodybeforeIcaninstruct,discipline orhaveacoherentconversation.I canmodelandbringcalmand regulationtothesituation One practicalexampleis:Icanmodel balloonbreathing.Icanalsosay outloud:“Iamstuckfeelingangry, soIamgoingtoeatanice-popand thengopunchapillowinmy bedroom.”Itisawin-win,asevenif thechildisnotreceptivetocoregulation,theparentstays regulatedwhichtendstohelpthe childde-escalate.
TransitionsatSchool Theideaforourchildren’sbook cametomeasIwasworkingina LifeSkillsClassandInoticedthat oneboyinparticularreally struggledwithcominginsidethe classroomeachmorning AtfirstI vieweditasabehaviouralstruggle Thenoneofmycolleaguessaid“I thinkheisstuck”
Fromthenon,insteadofseeingthe tantrumsandbehavioursaspower struggles,wesawthetruth:hewas stuckinbigfeelingsand overwhelmedintransitions WhenI shiftedmymindsetto“howcanIhelp yougetunstuck?”or“whatcanyou dotogetunstuck?”Thekid responded Itwasamazing!Instead ofpunishing,Iwasnowempowering himtofindwaystogetunstuck.We useda“First,Then”velcrochartand weshiftedourlanguagetoremind theboyofwhereandwhathewas supposedtobedoing.Inour children’sbookwerepeatthephrase “Ohno!WhatcanIdo?”inaneffortto helpkidsrealizethatthereisalways somethingthattheycando.
TakeAway Don’tgetboggeddowninshame andguilt.Asparents,wedon’talways
AbouttheAuthor
handlesituationsthebest,weare human Thegoodnewsisthatthe messagesinourstoryforthechildren applytothecaregiverstoo.Beloware someofmyfavouritehelpfultips foundinourbook
-“Youcanalwaysrepair,thereisno needtodespair”
-“WhenIsaywordsthatarekindand true,Istarttofeelalittlelessblue”.
-“Icantakeadeepbreathand calmlylookabout Icantaketimeto thinkandfindawayout”
-“Icanbrainstormwaystosolvethe issue.Icanaskforhelp,andaccepta rescue”
-“Icanorganiseandclean,soIfeel prepared.Icanusegoodself-talkto bebravewhenscared”
Youareneverstuckforever,thereis alwaysawaytogetunstuck!
Marlynandheridenticaltwinsister,Alana,arefosterparentsand teachers Theycreatechildren’sstoriestohelpsupportchildren goingthroughtransitionsinatrauma-informedway. Ifyouareinterestedinfreeself-regulatingresources,youcan contactMarlynandhertwinsister,Alana,throughtheirwebsite, BurseyTwinStories,andtheyarehappytosharethosewithyou Theirbookiscalled“SometimesIGetStuck”.isavailableonany Amazonplatform.
Image: ©Bursey Twin Stories
CoECTMembership Organisationsworkingwith children,familiesandcommunity servicesarefacingincreasing complexityintheirday-to-day practice Alongsidesupporting familieswithdiverseandoften challengingneeds,thereisa growingresponsibilitytoensure stafffeelconfident,informedand wellsupportedintheirroles.
AttheCentreofExcellenceinChild Trauma(COECT),wehave developedourgroupmembership tohelporganisationsstrengthen bothareasinapracticaland sustainableway
Ourmembershipprovidesaccess toarangeofevidence-informed resourcesdesignedtosupport professionalsworkingwith childrenandfamilies.Groundedin trauma-informedand relationship-basedapproaches, thesematerialsexploreareas suchasbehaviour,attachment andtheimpactofearly experiences
Byofferingconsistentandaccessible guidance,weaimtosupport reflectivepracticeandashared understandingacrossteamsandthe familiestheysupport
Professionaldevelopmentisacentral partofouroffer Through membership,colleaguescanengage inongoinglearningthatisdirectly relevanttotheirrolesacross education,socialcare,earlyhelpand communityprovision Ourfocusison approachesthatcanbeappliedin real-worldsettings,helping practitionerstranslatelearninginto everydaypractice Thissupportsthe developmentofaconfident workforceandacommonlanguage aroundmeetingchildren’sneeds
Wealsorecognisetheimportanceof connection.Membershiplinks organisationsintoawider professionalcommunitycommitted totrauma-informedandrelational practice.
Opportunitiestosharethinking, experiencesandapproachescan
helpreduceprofessionalisolation andstrengthencollaborativeworking
Ourteambringstogether professionalexpertiseandlived experience,includingbackgroundsin socialwork,fostercare,adoptionand therapeuticpractice Thisshapesthe waywedesignanddeliverour trainingandresources.We understandtherealitiespractitioners andfamiliesface,includingsystemic pressuresandcompetingdemands, andwestrivetoensureourwork remainspractical,relevantand groundedinwhatsupports sustainablechange
Fororganisationsseekingtoembed trauma-informedandrelational approachesmoreconsistently,our groupmembershipoffersstructured, accessiblesupport.Byinvestingin staffknowledgeandconfidence, organisationscanstrengthenthe supporttheyprovidetothechildren andfamiliestheyserve.
Formoreinformationgoto https://www.coect.co.uk/join
ASKTHEEXPERTS ThisissuewearejoinedbyEmmaEdwardstoansweryourquestions. EmmaisanadopterandDirectorofTherapeuticServicesatTheCentreof ExcellenceinChildTrauma
PFfromSurreyasks... Emmareplies:
IfeelcompletelyoverwhelmedwithparentinglatelyI’mreactingstronglytosmall things,andInoticeI’memotionallyflatwhenmychildisupset.Everydaytasksfeel heavy,andIsometimesisolatemyselftocopeHowcanItellifthisisjustaroughpatch orburnout?AndhowcanIreconnectwithmychildrenwithoutfeelingsodrained?
Parents are often encouraged to enjoy every moment, cherish the years, and make the most of childhood.
What we hear less about is how emotionally demanding parenting can be especially when you are the person your child turns to for comfort, guidance, and reassurance every day
Caring deeply for others requires emotional energy Over time, that energy can become depleted Many parents experience periods where they feel more reactive, more tired, or less emotionally available than they would like to be
This is not a sign of failure. In many cases, it is a sign of compassion fatigue a natural response to sustained emotional caregiving
Recognising the signs can help parents pause, reset, and care for themselves in ways that ultimately support their children too.
Below are five signs your empathy reserves may be running low
1. Small Things Trigger Big Reactions When emotional reserves are depleted, everyday challenges spilt cereal, repeated questions, sibling disagreements can feel harder to manage calmly
Parents may notice themselves reacting more quickly or feeling overwhelmed by situations that once felt manageable This does not mean a parent lacks patience or love. It often means the nervous system is already under strain Taking a brief pause, stepping away for a moment, or simply breathing can help the body reset.
2. Feeling Emotionally Numb or Disconnected
Some parents expect burnout to feel like frustration or anger However, many experience something different: emotional flatness.
A child’s distress may not evoke the usual instinct to comfort Instead, there may be a sense of emotional distance or numbness.
This can feel concerning, but it is a common response when the brain is trying to protect itself from emotional overload. Compassion fatigue can temporarily dampen emotional responsiveness it does not reflect a lack of care
Reconnecting with one ’ s own feelings first can help restore emotional availability
3. Everyday Requests Feel Overwhelming Children naturally depend on their caregivers:
“Can you help me?”
“Where is my…?”
“I’m hungry”
When empathy reserves are low, even small requests can feel heavy
Often, this is not about the request itself but the cumulative impact of continuous giving
Parents are allowed to pause
Saying, “I need a minute and then I’ll help you, ” model’s healthy boundaries while protecting emotional energy
4. Withdrawing to Cope
Some parents notice they begin avoiding interaction staying in another room longer, delaying responses, or feeling irritated by small interruptions
This withdrawal is often the mind’s way of creating space when emotional demands exceed capacity.
Parents carry a significant mental and emotional load, and without opportunities to rest and recharge, the system can become overwhelmed
Intentional moments of genuine rest not simply hiding or multitasking can help restore balance.
5. Moving Quickly Into “Fix-It” Mode
When empathy is depleted, parents may shift from emotional connection to problemsolving
Instead of sitting with a child’s feelings, the focus may quickly move to solutions. While problem-solving is valuable, children often benefit first from feeling heard
Simple responses such as “That sounds really difficult” or “I’m here with you ” can help restore connection without requiring additional emotional labour
6. Replenishing Your Empathy as a Parent
Empathy is not an endless resource. It needs replenishing, just like physical energy
Parents often begin to restore their emotional reserves when they allow themselves to:
Rest without guilt
· Let go of unrealistic expectations of perfect parenting
Set gentle boundaries around their time and energy
· Ask for help when they need it
Remember they are individuals as well as caregivers
Experiencing compassion fatigue does not mean a parent is doing something wrong
More often, it reflects how deeply they have been caring for their children over a long period of time
Supporting parents to care for themselves is not separate from supporting children it is part of the same process.
When parents have space to refill their own emotional reserves, they are better able to offer the calm, connection, and safety children need to thrive.
Image: ©E Edwards
Mytummystartstowobble,andIhavejellylegs, WhenIwalkintotheshopsandspotthosedreaded eggs.
© Sarah Dillon
