“People don’t get it”! The Isolation of a Therapeutic Parent

By Sarah Naish

t is one thing to be struggling with a problem: It is quite another to feel not only utterly alone with that problem, but also blamed and judged for how you are trying to handle the problem. I started feeling isolated about six months after my children came home to me. It took me a while to notice that this was indeed the case. Maybe because I was just so busy. But gradually I realised that other parents had slidey eyes when talking to me. They didn’t seem too keen on chatting at the school gates, they just weren’t comfortable. One parent even said to me once, ‘Don’t you feel bad taking other people’s children?’ It' s not only difficulties in making and keeping friends, but also just the day-to-day interactions. Nowadays, I am frequently walking my five dogs. We make quite a spectacle. Very often, people will stop and chat and smile. They will pet the dogs and say things like ‘You’ve got your hands full haven’t you’? Not once did this happen ever with my 5 children. Then, people crossed the road to avoid us. Walking into a restaurant meant people huffed and sighed, anticipating a horrible rowdy bunch. (They weren’t. They were always great, as long as food kept arriving). Now, when I look back, I feel desperately sad for the old me. The one who thought that her friends would remain friends. But I did get lonely. I have never felt more alone than when I was desperately struggling and no one at all was there to even listen, let alone help. Before I became antisocial, I did really want to be part of the gang. But when the gang rejects us, we reject them back. Before we know it, we are caught in a cycle of withdrawal, sadness and loneliness, determined not to take any risks with new friendships.

What Can I DO About It?

Have a good look at the people who are around you. Who is supporting you on your journey? Who is indulging in a bit of patronising blame and judgement? Who is quietly getting on with looking after their equally tricky children?

The one who anticipated exciting new friendships with other parents, play dates and cosy coffees. More and more we were on the side-lines. More and more I found myself on the defensive. Explaining why my children behaved the way they did, how I was trying to help them. But then, finally, I stopped. I could not be bothered to keep justifying myself to everyone constantly. I no longer felt like explaining away my children’s behaviours to ignorant parents who only wanted to indulge in a bit of Top Trump parenting or blame and judgement. Even, to some extent, family fell away. They didn’t want the turmoil that went with the busy visits and full-on tantrums. I didn’t even blame them really.

Make time to welcome people into your life who ‘get it’ . Yes, I know exactly what happens… you find a nice little group that looks they understand and then you chicken out at the last moment, or instead, choose to spend valuable time staring in to space to recover from the latest trauma. But here’s the thing. TIPs just like you are unlikely to just knock on your door one day and ask you to come out to play. We have to brave, and keep being brave until we have ‘our people’!

Connect to people who get it. Yes! You can do this. We have made sure you can. Just go to www.coect.co.uk and be brave. Click on ‘Support’ or visit The National Association of Therapeutic Parents (NATP) www.naotp.com. Reach out. There are thousands of parents just like you, struggling to connect with others. You can also go to

the Therapeutic Parents Facebook group to see just how many parents are thinking the same thoughts and experiencing the same issues. At the NATP, parents tell us that the feeling of isolation is the most debilitating problem they face. This is why we started to hold Listening Circles and link parents up together. The only real antidote to isolation is to connect with people on the same page as you. Someone who does not need a two-day explanation about what a ‘bad day’ means. No parent of children with additional needs, needs to be isolated because of differences in parenting style, and the challenges we face.

Excerpt from ‘The A-Z of Survival Strategies for Therapeutic Parents- From Chaos to Cake ’ Illustration by Kath Grimshaw from ‘The Quick Guide to Therapeutic Parenting Naish/ Dillon

The A-Z of Survival Strategies for Therapeutic Parents | Jessica Kingsley Publishers - UK (jkp.com)

Would YOU like to run a Listening Circle in your area? It' s really straightforward and you get FREE membership to NATP! Contact listeningcircles@coect.co.uk to arrange an informal chat.