Ask the Experts

“Why am I always being told that I should not shame my child? Surely that’s a normal part or growing up.

” P.A. (Derbyshire).

Shame is a development stage experienced by all toddlers. It is the ugly feeling a child experiences when Their internal working model is positive, they believe they are good, loveable, worthy and safe. who regularly repairs any relationship fracture. This enables the child to differentiate between themselves and their behaviour. They begin to internalise the knowledge that the relationship with parent is intact and unconditional. Their internal working model is positive, they believe they are good, loveable, worthy and safe. Children with a history of trauma and neglect have a limited experience of relationship repairs and sadly, some have none! Many have been punished and shunned and are therefore stuck in relationship rupture with their primary attachment figure. This constant state of relationship rupture produces toxic shame within the child. They view themselves as bad, disgusting, unlovable and dangerous! The feeling of self-disgust is overwhelming, and often soul

corrected or disciplined by a parent or care giver. Securely attached children move relatively quickly through this stage and move on to develop healthy guilt, compassion, empathy and a conscience. This process is facilitated by the parent/care giver who regularly repairs any relationship fracture. This enables the child to differentiate between themselves and their behaviour. They begin to internalise the knowledge that the relationship with parent is intact and unconditional. destroying. This unmet developmental need will remain unmet without regular relationship repair. This can be extremely difficult for many parents as behaviours exhibited by the neuro diverse child are often contrary to their own moral code. Stealing, lying, swearing, violence, control and defiance to name a few. Understandably, parents and carers may fall back on ‘shaming’ the child. Therapeutic parents depersonalise these behaviours and recognise them as a mode of communication. The parent can then offer genuine relationship repair as they consciously respond to this unmet developmental need instead of emotionally reacting to the presenting behaviours.

H.L from Gloucestershire.

The school run can be potentially stressful at the best of times for both child and parent and this can be magnified if your child is experiencing Emotionally Based School Anxiety. Children who Contact the school - let them know what is happening, and that you hope to be in as soon as reasonably possible., Clear your diary if possible, I know this is not ideal but if you need to be somewhere and your child is refusing to move, your stress levels are likely to go up and your child will pick up on this. The less pressure you put on yourself, the more your frustration will reduce and you will radiate some level of calm which will help with coregulating your child. School staff may then be able to help, a trusted adult that your child has a connection with may be able to support with positive distraction to a favourite activity they will be doing that day, or something that they are particularly interested in. If this works. great! If it doesn 't, then you may be in for a longer wait (see next point)

experience this may find it difficult to attend school for many reasons. and sometimes it takes a while to figure out the reasons. To allow your child to go in to school in a regulated state there may not be a quick fix, however there are some strategies you can use which will help to take the pressure out of the situation for both you and your child. Hold the space for your child - sit with your child, stay fairly quiet, let them know that you are there if they need you, use empathic commentary where appropriate, let your child have the time and space to co-regulate with your support. The child may be able to regulate themselves enough to either go in to school with support, or be able to tell you why they feel anxious about going into school.

If a resolution is needed before the child enters the school, it is worth speaking to the teacher/head teacher at this point and making a plan. If in the case your child cannot attend school you should consult with your child' s GP on the best way forward and keep the school informed.