M I R A G E
M I R A G E
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“Yep,” she said as she gulped. I felt the cold, milky ice swim down my throat, as I momentarily stopped eating my chilly treat. “Row, row, row your boat…” I comically sang, moving my arms in a circular motion to match the rowing of an imaginary boat. Claire sat there, staring at me with a stone face. She dropped her popsicle to the ground in front of us. She didn’t even consider reaching down to pick it up. It didn’t faze her. She was too busy hugging me, her little arms wrapped tightly around my rib cage. “Don’t die!” her little voice squeaked. “Sweetie, I’m not going to die,” I said, struggling to say the words, since her hug was strong. Still, I was able to reciprocate the hug. “It scares me,” she said, crying. “I know, I know it does,” I said patting her little back. “You don’t have to worry. I’m going to be A-Okay.” “Promise?” she said, squeezing tighter. “I promise,” I said, still struggling to combine an adequate amount of oxygen into my words. I tapped my right foot in rapid succession. My hands, which were woven across her champagne colored hair, were drenched with perspiration. I couldn’t stand to sit there any longer. I needed a break from it all. If only Claire knew I was just as afraid. I never told her. I knew I couldn’t. Thankfully, she wasn’t able to fully comprehend the meaning behind the dream. She was the lucky one. Sadly, I wasn’t. We got back home, quiet from our day at the park. The sun had already gone down, and the house was quiet. The only light that was on in the house was the one in the living room. I walked Claire back to her room. I hung up her jacket in the closet, and I helped her get dressed into her pajamas. Then, I tucked her into bed. I stood there in the hallway, with the door almost shut, watching her from the small crack. That was when it really hit me. My heart felt like it had been weighed down to the deepest point in the ocean. I felt like it could burst at any minute, due to the imaginary pressure from the chilly waters my imagination decided to invent. I wished more than anything that I could be there to comfort her. To see her grow up. To see her finish elementary school, and go on to middle school, high school, and then on to graduation. To see her get her degree at some prestigious college institution. To see her get married and have a family of her own. I wished more than anything that I would be able to be a part of that reality. However, it didn’t matter. I knew that I couldn’t. I knew that it would come to an end sooner or later. It was just the way things were. As I continued to stand in the hallway, my mind returned back to when we were still at the park. Right after we had gotten our ice cream and sat down on the same bench. “Here,” I said, as I remembered bending down to pick up her popsicle. It was covered in specks of dirt, small pebbles, and grass. I held it up to her face. “I don’t think you want to finish this,” I chuckled. 15
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Claire wiped her red eyes. She sniffled. Her little nose twitched and flared. Slowly, her little crescent smile stretched across her small face, highlighting her rosy cheeks. “You’re funny daddy,” she laughed back a few seconds later. “I know, I got it!” I said, digging into my flannel shirt pocket. I pulled out an assortment of tissues from a plastic package. I wiped the muck off of the popsicle stick. I handed the stick back to her. Claire looked puzzled and tilted her head to the side like a confused puppy. I reached into my other pocket and pulled out a black permanent marker. Taking off the cap, I handed it to her. “Write your name.” Although she was confused, she obliged and wrote her name in big capital letters across the wooden stick. I swiped it from her little fingers, and I placed the stick into my jean pocket. “My stick?” said Claire, tilting her head to the side like a confused puppy. “Wherever I go, I will always carry this stick with me.” I pointed to her heart. “That way, you will never be away from me.” Claire caught me off guard again with another surprise hug of hers. “I love you, daddy,” she said. “Love you too,” I said, as I embraced her. I returned back to resting on the door frame, staring through the slight crack. My hand reached into my pocket. The wooden popsicle stick was still tucked away below my assortment of keys. I must’ve been there, lost in my thoughts, for a few minutes. I could tell because my legs were a bit wobbly. Lub, dub...lub! My heart was beating rapidly. I could hear the thumping noises vibrating through my eyes, and I could feel the pulse in my arm. There was a slight, sharp pain in my head. Not painful, but not pleasant either. I closed my eyes, exhaling through my mouth. “You okay?” said Claire, as she realized I was still there, standing idle at the door. I opened my eyes. Lub, dub…...lub, dub…...lub, dub. My heartbeat was normal. I looked over. My eyes were relaxed. The tension around my head subsided. “Yes, I’m fine, love,” I said, “just fine.” She paused for a moment. Then, she sat up in bed, moving a few of the light strands of hair that were in her face. “I can’t fall asleep,” she said, “can you help me?” “Sure,” I smiled. I laid in her princess bed, my feet dangling off the end because of how small it was. Claire laid her head on my right shoulder; surprisingly, it wasn’t uncomfortable. She rested her right hand on my chest. I could feel the warmth from her hand, the heat pushing past the fabric of my whitetank top. I could hear the little breaths she took when she would inhale and then exhale through her nose. Claire would smack her lips from time to time, and then she would nudge her head up and down, all in the hopes of sleeping comfortably. 16
