THE SARDINE – Issue 9

THE PERFECT DISTRACTION The hole she left in my heart, big as it is, has been filled by Raoni Monteiro and all things Rip Curl Pro Portugal. Distractions are a wonderful thing when all you can think about is what could have been. And this morning Raoni caused the biggest distraction of all when he knocked out Kelly Slater giving a breezy looking Parko even more room to breeze. Mick too would no doubt be happy. John John Floz would be happy also. The Word Title race had officially been thrown wide open by Raoni and everyone cheered the Brazilian as he came up the beach. I should say that I wasn’t hoping Kelly would lose. I want no man to feel pain. That’s a side effect of getting dumped. Empathy.

When Kelly lost today with no score close to troubling the four point range I wanted to hug him. I wanted to say, “Man you know what? To heck with the ocean, man. She gives you so much but she can take it away whenever she wants. It’s on her terms, man. I get that. I really do. Let’s go get a bottle of wine and some sardines and ride this out together. Love hurts my brother. Love hurts.” But I didn’t. I just watched as Kelly surfed four waves after his heat had ended at $500 per wave (a fine stipulated in the ASP rulebook for guys who surf into the next heat) and wondered which poor bastard from the ASP would be giving him the invoice. – VB

BROTHER WHERE ART THOU NO LONGER Kolohe Andino’s euro leg has been a far cry from his board punching meltdown in Fiji. On the contrary, the grom has rediscovered his love for pro surfing and it was no more evident than on his first wave in the noloser younglings heat of round four. Against John John and Gabby Medina, Kolohe got the first wave, sliced across open face before launching himself into a mondo extreme first turn air rev so monstrous that when he landed it Matt Wilkinson’s nipples started lactating. Although Gabby went on to win the heat and Kolohe lost in the very next round to Josh Kerr, it was wonderful to see Brother lose the shackles of expectation and do what he does best. Go surfing.

KAI OTTON’S FIVE FAVOURITE THINGS ABOUT PORTUGAL 1. THE SURF Endless opportunities. It’s the sickest joint to get barrelled.

2. SARDINES I’ve never eaten one but the smell of Peniche reminds me of Matt Bemrose’s breath and he’s a good friend.

3. COASTLINE The cliffs and the castles. They make me feel like some kind of William Wallace except that I’m in Portugal and not Scotland.

4. COFFEE The coffee is outrageously strong here. Just one little short black in the morning and you’re flying all day. And the smell reminds of Bemmy’s armpits and he’s a good friend.

5. PEOPLE There are so many good people here and they are all so enthusiastic about surfing. There’s a lot of passion and I have a lot of good friends. Everyone rules except for that thief they busted – he can suck a sardine.

DOUG GETS SLOTTED AGAIN I know what you’re thinking.

You’re thinking: “Everyday I read the Sardine and every day there’s a story about this Doug character, and every day I wish I could just quit my life and be Doug. What a life that would be! To be Doug!” And you’re right to think that. Doug’s life is way better than yours.

Sorry to say but it’s true.

Need more proof? Look at the barrel he got this morning at the comp only minutes before Kelly Slater paddled out and couldn’t get anything over a 3.6! Even Kelly Slater wants to be Doug. Go on ask him. He’ll say “I want to be Doug.” Don’t worry Kelly. We all do.

OWEN VS MICK Is there a word to describe the heat between Rip Curl stablemates Owen Wright and Mick Fanning yesterday afternoon? Yes there is: Amazeballs. It was at this event in 2009 Mick and Owen were supposed to surf a semi, but Owen hurt his neck and Mick got a walk through to the final – which he then went on to win. Conspiracy theories abounded. Parko at that stage had a huge lead in the ratings and there was chatter Owen had been forced to throw the heat so Mick could get valuable points. Yesterday, with the ratings looking very similar to 2009, Mick and Owen met up in Round Five. Mick started the heat in a flurry and had Owen comboed before the halfway mark.

But then Owen got the wave of the day and parked his caboose in a big hollow cave for a perfect 10. And then a small priority error

by Mick gave Owen his choice of waves in the remaining eight minutes which he used to pull out a last minute victory. Did someone say amazeballs? Yes, we did. And it was.

ROLL UP ROLL UP “John John versus Joel Parkinson some time today.

A World Title heat with wild implications. Getcha peanuts. Getcha hotdogs. Roll up roll up to the greatest show on earth!”

EVER WONDERED? Everyone knows what the front of an event site looks like, but have you ever wondered what’s out back? The Sardine brings you this exclusive: The backside of the Rip Curl Pro Portugal.

DOWNLOAD THE FREE RIP CURL PRO APP CUSTOMISED NOTIFICATIONS FAVOURITE SURFER HEAT ALERTS LIVE WEB STREAMING LIVE SCORES WITH LIVE AUDIO EVENT STATUS, RESULTS & NEWS UPDATES GALLERIES WITH SOCIAL SHARING

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ISSUE 09