May 6 - 12, 2009
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If only BY PATRICIA C. FRANK Are you guilty of playing the “if only’ game with your life and happiness? Does it dictate and dominate your life without your knowledge or awareness? When you use “if only” you are implying that there is a condition that is in effect and that condition is not fulfilled. It can be used as an excuse or it can be used as an accusation. Take a few moments to finish these sentences. You may have more than one response to each statement. Write them all down separately. “I would be happy if only. I wouldn’t suffer if only. I wouldn’t be angry if only. I wouldn’t be fat if only. I wouldn’t be a failure if only. I would have what I want if only. My life would have been better if only. My life would be perfect if only.” These statements become excuses when you think them or say them about yourself. They are a way of explaining, justifying and rationalizing your behavior past or present. There can be a grain of truth in these statements. There is no doubt that certain situations and conditions have a tremendous impact on your life.
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IDEAL MEDICAL CENTER These statements become accusations when someone else says them about you or, heaven forbid, to you. “If only you did such and such, I would have been a greater success or I would have been richer or I would have been happier.” At the same time that they are accusations they are also excuses for the person making the statements. The individual is attempting to lessen the blame they feel for not succeeding or making more money or being happier. They are expressing their disappointment with themselves and or with you. It becomes destructive when they use these statements to put you down, restructure the balance of power in the relationship, find fault with you and create guilt. These statements threaten your self-esteem and wellbeing. Try not to use them on yourself and do not allow someone else to use them against you. Accept the fact that your happiness cannot depend on someone else acting in a certain way. That is not the definition of love. “I would not be fat if only you did not bring home sweets and eat them in front of me” may be true but it avoids the real issue and it diminishes your power to succeed and be happy. Patricia Frank is a Licensed Psychotherapist. She can be reached at 305-788-4864, 212-308-0309.
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