The Shallot 12/13/17

the Volume CXXIII, No. 7/TMP 35.8

Wednesday, December 13th, 2017

BREAKING NEWS: Teacher Juuling Ring On Campus

By Nav Sekhon '18

Teachers Juuling? In my campus? It’s more likely than you think. On Tuesday, December 5th, Kailee Silver ‘18 and Greg Livingston ‘18 announced the D.C. of Ms. Baker and Ms. Matson. Preceding Thanksgiving break, Ms. Baker and Ms. Matson were caught passing the Juul in the Cox Library stairwell

by Ms. Pearle. “I’m deeply disappointed in them for partaking in such horrible drug culture,” she said.

Following the D.C. announcement, the student Fact-Finding Committee looked into Juuling on campus. After sitting in a bush next to Facilities for an entire 10 hours, Alexander Chen ‘18 reportedly saw Ms. Bonenfant carrying a large box. As she passed by him, he saw the JUUL logo stamped on the side. “I followed her to her office. Through my binoculars, I saw her open the box to a variety pack of hundreds of Juul pods.” His voice broke, “There were just so many.”

Chen had to lock up Ms. Bonenfant in the Health Center, and after searching her office, he found other boxes, some of which were

Rachel Handler ‘18, another reporter, spoke with Mr. Pollans, the renowned history teacher on campus after the allegations were released.

“Juuls? No, we don’t use those in our department,” Mr. Pollans said as he tapped out a cigar. “We’re classier than that. We stick with old-fashioned cigars.” While Handler was on her way to speak with Mr. Ball before a

Cox Library. As she searched the librarian’s back room, she found receipts dated from the summer of 2016. “The administration sold all of the valuable, interesting books that the students actually enjoyed to fund their disgusting Juul addiction.”

In a press conference panel, Forbes seniors expressed their disappointment with the faculty for setting a poor

Monday morning assembly, she witnessed him shotgunning a Juul pod. Bursting into his room, she held up a paused video of the ‘Tootie Ta’, “Drop the pod or I’ll play it!” Mr. Ball later confessed that he prepares for his Monday assemblies by shotgunning a Juul pod.

“I tried convincing Mr. Bland to try it,” Mr. Ball admitted, “but his The Help speech showed he couldn’t handle it.”

Following Mr. Ball’s interrogation, Nina Taneja ‘18 went to the scene of the crime: the pristine, student-loved

example for the students. “As fake DSB’s and beloved leaders in this community, we recognize that it is our time to step up and create positive dialogue among the students,” they said. “We’re officially announcing our launch of SADD, Students Against Destructive Decisions, at Milton.”

Thanks to the great leadership of the students and the continuing investigations of the Juul epidemic at Milton, we can expect to have a drug-free, substance-lacking school.

“Each flavor had a label for each department, like some kind of sick preference.

Mango for languages, creme brulee for art... and tobacco for math."

Alex Chen

Photo captured by Alex Chen (I) while he hid in the bushes! labelled. “Each flavor had a label for each department, like some kind of sick preference. Mango for languages, creme brulee for art, cu-

cumber for science, mint for English, tobacco for math.

All these boxes—emptied.

The administration were the dealers.” Where was history?

Rejected OBK Heads’ Guide to the Milton Tour

By Molly Wilson and Alex Millard '18 Hi, our names are Molly and Alex, and we have a story to tell you. While last spring we thought that we would be excellent OBK heads, and explained in our applications that “I would be a good OBK head because I really like Milton and I am organized” (Molly), and “I think Milton is a great school, and enjoy telling people about my experience” (Alex), the Milton Admissions Office did not agree. In an email, Mr. Natale explained that, “Unfortunately, we won't be able to offer you a position as OBK head for next year.”

Despite this rejection, we still see ourselves as excellent Milton tour guides, and we are here today to walk you through the Milton tour from the perspective of two rejected OBK heads.

The tour begins at the

THIS WEEK’S SHALLOT

admissions office. Greet the prospective family with a limp handshake and a hardy “Shalom.” Next, walk the family up to the English classrooms in Warren. Be sure to explain the typical English class at Milton, noting the Harkness table discussions, and how the setup allows the one prick in your class to explain their uninformed interpretation of Paradise Lost and answer their own rhetorical questions for forty five minutes. Also, be sure to stop by Mr. Connolly’s room and explain his status as a Milton monument having taught at Milton for 74 years now, and being both a Founding Father and signer of the U.S. Constitution.

Next, move on to the history department. Explain how Freshman year history is mostly spent learning about Ronald Reagan’s celebrity status prior to his presiden-

cy, and Princess Diana’s role as a fashion icon. Also, mention the history electives offered to upperclassmen, including the “The Amish and iPhone,” “Andrew Columbus: Christopher Columbus’ less attractive brother,” and “Anne Frank: The first deaf and blind woman to discover Penicillin.”

Now walk the family across Centre Street. Explain the role that “Operation Safe Street” has played in making Milton a more accepting and progressive community for all.

Enter Ware. Explain that at Milton, we view math as a social construct and believe numbers to be relative. Thus, all math classes are spent meditating and reflecting on abstract numerical ideas.

Then enter the AMC. You’ll want to spend most of the tour in this building. It’s where the magic happens.

Explain the architectural marvel that is the art building at Milton. The concrete was carved out of the Colosseum in Rome. The architect was Frank Lloyd Wright, whose other famous works include the Guggenheim Museum, the Eiffel tour, and String Theory. The high ceilings were modeled after the Sistine Chapel. Point out student art, particularly the Class IV Visual Art’s distorted face posters. Spend five minutes in front of these posters in silence.

Move onto Cox Library (be sure to emphasize the COX).

Explain the recent changes in the library, which have included selling all of the books for money to fund motion-sensor lights.

Walk to King Theater.

Explain that it was donated by Martin Luther King Jr., founder of Milton Academy, and is modeled after

Operation SS - Page 3

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Yourself - Page 7

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the Sydney Opera House.

Excuse yourself to go to the bathroom. Snort pixie sticks, and take your Advil, Benadryl, . Take your temperature. Blow your nose. Wash your hands. Give yourself a haircut. Mummify yourself using toilet paper. Return to the family as though nothing changed.

Explain that you will be skipping the science building because it’s ugly and outdated, sorta like numbers and Pluto.

Next take them to the ACC. Explain that this is the historic site on which the 2005 sex scandal occurred.

Let them know that they are receiving the “exclusive behind the scenes tour” as you walk them around the boys hockey locker room.

Now escort the family deep into the cemetery, where the tour ends. BaBye!

Wednesday, December 13th, 2017

The Shallot

BLT

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mILtOn Is A sTreSs-FrEe zOnE The results are in: both students and teachers agree

Brought to you by The Milton Pleasure & that Milton is a stress-free environment in the weeks before The Milton Vaper winter break. A recent poll conducted by The Milton PleaEditors In-Chicken Alexander “Chen Daddy” Chen Nina “Let's just take something from the archives” Taneja Navpreet “Class of 2017 2018” Sekhon Rachel “Maisie” Handler LayClout Queens Charis “Let's call Loags” Palandjian Maya “DON'T CALL LOAGY” Thakore Managing Dictators Patrick “Might be the nicest person here” Huang Nihal “I love the Strokes” Raman Others Measure Medlers Edward “Ned's Nibbles” Sheehan Soleil "I actually show up to the meetings" Devonish Olivia "Let me just cry in class real quick" Risoleo Nina “It's pronounced Sub k h an ber di na” Subkhanberdina Website Editor Anastasia "I have rowing" Sukharevsky We're Not Sure What He Does Jonah "Can I go home early" Garnick Strongly Opinionated Editorial Writers: Adi "Dhruv Tanay" Ghandi Edward "Well when I did CITYterm..." Moreta Jr. Straight Unbiased Facts: Emma "Check out my YouTube channel" James Jimmy "Uhhh I think it's pronounced Bah-Nin-Fant" Delano Real Senior Editor: Jane "It's pronounced Alex" Millard Website Editor Coalter "The Grinch" Palmer Humourous staff: Andriana Velmahos Jack Sloane Spencer Graham Jake Griffin Lyndsey Mugford Nate Jean-Baptiste

THE MILTON MEASURE IS ONLINE Electronic Copies of The Milton Measure If you would like to begin receiving copies of the Measure via email, please send your email address to Anastasia Sukharevsky at:

anastasia_sukharevsky18@milton.edu Letters to the Editors Please either email our editors or mail to: alexander_chen18@milton.edu & nina_taneja18@milton.edu The Milton Measure 170 Centre Street Milton, MA 02186

sure and The Milton Vaper showed that 80% of students and teachers believe too little work is assigned during the two and a half weeks between Thanksgiving and winter break. As a school that boasts its rigor to prospective applicants, teachers surprisingly assign the bare minimum of work, allowing students to partake in unhealthy activities such as laughing in the Stu, or going to bed before midnight. In order to improve the general well-being of the student body, we implore teachers to really juice up these barely packed weeks.

In the upperclassmen section of the Stu, the impact of the leniency of teachers is clear. Seniors leisurely enjoying their usual three coffees in the 15 minute recess periods, half of conversations being about how easy balancing the college process and school work is, and juniors gushing over the ease of honors bio. It’s weak! How can we stand by, watching our students lose their brain cells by not putting them to use? We hear echoes of freshmen crying from their cave when they should really be having full-blown, out of breath, panic attacks! The Milton Pleasure and The Milton Vaper offer the only viable solution: give us more work.

A typical student probably has six quizzes, four lab reports, the heart of their first born child, and three essays to turn in before winter break. At this point, the amount of work we have isn’t even comedic: it’s downright disrespectful. Teachers, do you really think we want to balance sleep, relationships, and fun? Of course not! We want to suffer— we want to walk through hell and back. By the morning of the winter assembly, we want to still be trying to finish up that essay, lab report, and problem set that was due “sometime before you leave,” not enjoying the sequel to the tooty ta dance.

Wednesday, December 13th, 2017

California Cobb

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Operation Safe Street Reduces Crime Rejected School Mottos: by 200% • Dare to (not be) sued

By Rachel Handler ‘18 Operation Safe Street has already managed to bring down crime rates on Centre Street by over 200%. Since its initiation in September of 2017, Operation Safe

drug frenzies were frequent occurrences right beside Ware Loop, even in the light of day.

Sidewalk tensions had been rising for months, but an incident in the first week of school

"Before the Operation, she notes, 'drug junkies, panhandlers, and violent criminals roamed freely along our sidewalks.' Violent muggings, stabbings, and drug frenzies were frequent occurrences right beside Ware Loop, even in the light of day."

Street has put the Campus Safety squadron on high alert.

Operation Safe Street, says Commander Katie Williams—a silver medal recipient for her valiant work as a crossing guard—was launched in order to “take back our streets.” Before the Operation, she notes, “drug junkies, panhandlers, and violent criminals roamed freely along our sidewalks.” Violent muggings, stabbings, and

prompted the conception of the tactical missions. On the morning of September 7th, Mr. Ball’s mother dropped him off for the school day.

In a rush, however, she pulled over to the sidewalk on Centre Street, and Mr. Ball, exiting the passenger seat, suffered a life-threatening broken ankle after tripping over a pile of hypodermic needles on the sidewalk. “That was the final straw,” Ball’s mother said

in a phone interview.

But Operation Safe Street has changed all of that. Equipped with over forty billion dollars of new equipment, Campus Safety has taken a hard stance against violent offenders. “It was worth it a thousand times over,” notes Mr. Bland about the large chunk of Milton’s budget that had to be apportioned to the Operation. New tactical riot gear, tasers, armored vehicles, high-speed artillery, and extra-strong handcuffs have beefed up the Campus Safety force’s resources.

“We’ve instituted a highly effective stopand-frisk policy,” says Sergeant Mark Williams.

“It may be controversial,” he continues, “but our children are safer now.”

• Dare to be nude • Dare to be food #fliksocheesy • Darey to be Snakey ;) • Dairy to be moooo • Dare to Donate • Dare to pretend to be a lowkey student but actually try super hard because Every! Man! For! Himself!

• Dare to be someone else bc college • Dare to be in the stu at recess! #railingboys • DaRe tO bE trUe • Dare to CARE. • Dare to use the school motto in your relatable speech • Dare to cry in your class IV talk • Go ahead. Dare to dare. We, the administration, dare you.

• Dare to indulge Thayer in their little rivalry day #communityengagement • Dare to love yourself! Mr. Bland thinks you’re beautiful :) • Dare to publicly support Trump because it gets you the attention your parents never gave you • Dare to sell your soul for cucumber pods • Dare to cum (laude) • Dare to send lost and found emails just for ~funzies~ • D.A.R.E. to resist drugs, alcohol and violence • Dare to be true and whatever, but please, for the love of God, don’t talk to that Globe reporter

Wednesday, December 13th, 2017

Mediocre Pearle Hit Piece

By Jonah Garnick ‘18 Fresh off a summer of ceremonial book burnings and snatching candy from children, the library staff have turned their attention to another problem plaguing the Milton Academy campus. As part of their ongoing effort to eliminate student happiness, Ms. Pearl has officially banned “any expression of joy or glee from the 2nd and

OF THORNS FOR I AM THE TRUE KING OF KINGS.” She went on to say that expressions of happiness would include most everything from smiles to giggles to smirking to “any twitch or movement that does not express deep, throbbing sadness or regret.”

Asked why ban joy on just the 2nd and 3rd floors, she said that it would be too quick to just ban it entirely;

"As teachers have begun to assign less homework over the years, in an effort to improve overall student mental health, Ms. Pearl has seen Milton students become happier and happier. “It’s a dangerous thing,” she told TMP. 'A happy student is a dangerous student.'”

3rd floors.”

As teachers have begun to assign less homework over the years, in an effort to improve overall student mental health, Ms. Pearl has seen Milton students become happier and happier. “It’s a dangerous thing,” she told TMP. “A happy student is a dangerous student.”

Prompted as to what constitutes an expression of happiness, she said “it is up to my discretion, for I am the HEAD OF COX, GOD OF LIBRARIES. JESUS CHRIST HAND ME THY CROWN

the message wouldn't truly be sent to the students. “Joy,” she said, “has no place in a 21st century library.”

She’s unsure about the timescale of the project. “It could certainly prove to be a long, arduous process,” said Ms. Pearl. “There’s no quick fix to eliminating student happiness.It may take months, even years. But we must be thorough.”

PB&J

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Category: Other

Found by Nick Gistis '18 By, That-Really-Pretentious-Kid-in-Your-English-Class-Who-Thinks-She’s-Being “Deep” But-Isn’t-And-Only-Recycles-Everyone-Else’s-Ideas A half-eaten rasin Bakes, in the sun.

There are Maggots, everywhere. i smell like beef. HalfEaten. Beef.

My mother. She will not Love Me. My father. He does not See Me. i am alone.

To my father, i am the beef, To my mother, i the raisin.

The tidal-waves of stress, Schoolwork, They shower me, Engulf me, Befriend me.

They are the only friends I’ll ever know because i am Alone.

And now I’m going to add some really long line in the poem and then a Short. One. Because that makes it Better Question mark?

I question everything because All i know In this world is that i Am alone, With only Maggots, Beef, Stress, Schoolwork, And a half eaten rasin Which bakes in the sun.

Wednesday, December 13th, 2017

Fish Salad

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Milton Academy Caught Photoshopping P.O.C Into Photos

By Soleil Devonish '18 Milton Academy Caught Photoshopping P.O.C Into Photos In the spirit of celebrating diversity, Milton Academy included multiple students of color in photos to broadcast the school’s multicultural, contemporary environment.

Eager applicants everywhere marvelled at the school’s progressive approach to inclusivity. However, a few Milton students were not too pleased with the pictures used. Andrew Chan (I) stumbled upon an admissions booklet and saw himself sitting at assembly. While the picture seems to capture a day in the life of the average Milton Student, Andrew Chan has actually never been to an

assembly. Instantly it became clear that the photograph had been manipulated. The discovery of the doctored photo led students to more evidence of photoshopping in Milton flyers, pamphlets, and even publications like the Milton Magazine. After pressure from the Milton Academy community, a representative for the Development office admitted that the pictures in question had in fact been altered. “Our school is lucky to have students from so many backgrounds,� she confessed, “our goal was to feature the school’s beautiful rainbow of ethnic undertones.�

Yet, this bold attempt to advertise the “diverse community� seems to have backfired quite embarrassingly.

Fast News

By Edward Moreta ‘18, Jimmy DeLano ‘18, and Adi Gandhi ‘18 Student Plagiarizes Ms. Dey’s College History Research Paper, Still Receives C In a desperate attempt to salvage a good grade for đ&#x;…ąollege, a junior in U.S History, who had received only C’s up to this point in the year, decided to do some digging. After hacking the Yale archives, he found a research paper from Ms. Dey’s freshman year. Assuming her memory of 400 years ago was muddied, he copy and pasted the whole essay and turned it in for his research paper. At his graduation (a year and a half later), Ms. Dey handed back the report with the grade read C-. The comment read: “I would never write this piece of garbage myself.â€?

School Wifi Crashes: ATS Finds Ms. Sabin’s Shmoop and Sparknotes Usage at Fault ATS has recently discovered the reason for the recent week-long internet crash. They traced the issue back to Ms. Sabin’s school-issued computer, which had 812,369 tabs of Mozilla, Firefox, and Internet Explorer open. Although she tried to destroy the computer by submerging it in the bucket of student tears in her office, ATS established that all but two of these tabs were traced back to either Shmoop and Sparknotes. The other tabs were a Google search for “cool rapper hip hop music� and a YouTube search for “the dariya diaries.�

Freshman Grades Abolished, Communist Grading System Established

As of late, the Administration decided to abolish freshman grades, saying that such a grading system was too “capitalist� to really foster the equality and diversity that Milton boasts. In a statement on Friday at the FLLAG meeting, Chairman Ball—clad head to toe in red—proclaimed, “We cannot stand for a system that creates winners and losers! Everyone should have the same grade, regardless of effort!� Cheering ensued, and Natasha Roy ‘19 was seen hoisting a Karl Marx statue into the center of the Stu. New Freshman Summer Reading to Be Gucci Mane’s Autobiography

Last year, the English Department announced that the new freshman summer reading would be Life of Pi, a change from the traditional East of Eden.

But this year, they have decided to change the summer reading once again, this time to the critically-acclaimed The Autobiography of Gucci Mane. Reflecting on this novel, Ms. DeBuhr’s eyes filled with tears as she recalled the first time she read it. “It changed my life,� she said. “It made me realize that my whiteness is a void.� The department hopes that this novel will introduce incoming freshmen to real literature and serve as a wake-up call that now they are in the big leagues.

Even Faster News

By Emma James '18 and Soleil Devonish '18

Administration Stages Sit in on Students: Cites “Deprivation of Unsafe Spaces� as Cause “Railing Boys� Reappropriate Their Derogatory Title, Feel “Empowered�

Ms. Foster Canceled Class for Two Months; Students Learn She Lives in the Woods as a Hippie Dr. Anantawan Realizes He’s Way Too Good for this Place, Goes to Andover Instead Mr. Ball Starts a Speech, Forgets His Metaphor, Keeps Going Anyway

Wednesday, December 13th, 2017

Bread

TAG

From the archives

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Wednesday, December 13th, 2017

Crust

YOURSELF

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Wednesday, December 13th, 2017

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Wednesday, December 13th, 2017

By Neev Chen '17 & Alec Sekhon '18

Philly Chen Steak

The Ideal Common App

Page 9

Panina

Wednesday, December 13th, 2017

Page 10

Things Milton Students Never Say • The RaILiNg bOyS don’t make me uncomfortable

• I’ve been getting a lot of sleep lately

• I’m really happy with my college list

• Let’s go to Conservative Club

• It’s really hard to steal from the snack bar

• Let’s go to math club

• I believe Flik meat is 100% meat

• I pay campus safety’s tickets

• I’m happy here

• aBstIneNcE OnLy

• I’m not doing this for college

• I always use affirmative consent

• We don’t have enough a capella groups

• El Ritmo is appropriate

• Restless Virgins is nothing like my life

• Mr. Ball doesn’t plagiarize himself every week

• Juuling is so stupid guys. We could really get in trou-

• The Tooty Ta Dance didn’t change my life

ble

• There’s no boarder day student divide

Blue Hills Deer Hunt Comes to Milton in 2018

By Alexander Chen ‘18 Every year, Blue Hills holds its annual deer hunt just blocks away from campus. This year, Milton’s administration decided to contact the Blue Hills reservation about bringing the hunt to Milton. Following weeks of discussions, the two groups agreed to conduct a trial hunt next year in September, just weeks following convocation.

At random, half of the incoming freshmen class will be selected as “deer.” As deer,

they will be hunted by the rest of the students of the upper school. In a Gotcha-esque fashion, rules will be put in place regarding where these deer may and may not be hunted. In fact, according to

school wide activity to test out the best rules and regulation for a hunt on campus.

This activity grew to become the annual Gotcha.

Although next year’s hunt will only be a trial, the admin-

"At random, half of the incoming freshmen class will be selected as 'deer.'" sources close to the administration, Gotcha was an initial attempt at implementing the deer hunt on campus. Years ago, the administration requested that the SGA form a

istration hopes to expand the hunt to include “deer” in all grades, from freshmen to seniors.

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Milton Academy

By Jack Weiler ‘18

A prep school in Massachusetts which, although academically excellent, has suffered enormous bad press because of the actions of a few. The student body is incredibly intelligent and independent (albeit not very unified).

Letter from University of Deferred

Dear, Mr. McStraightAs,

Congratulations! You have been accepted into the University of Deferred Freshmen Class of 2022! We saw a lot of value in your application, and we are very pleased that you applied! Your acceptance really boiled down to a few key factors that matched you with our mission: Your taking every AP classes and earning an A+ in each one was a prime factor!

Your 12/10 possible extracurriculars showed us your excellent time management!

Your ranking of top-10 in the country in squash really pleased our coach!

Your National Gold Prize in poetry interested our English department!

Your quadruple-million legacy tantalized the development office!

Your applying to the highest acceptance rate school in the university helped!

Your Rhodes scholarship—in high school, we might add—is incredible!

Your Presidential Medal of Honor truly turned some heads in the committee, too!

Your self-built and self-sponsored trip to the Mars showed great intuition!

And your summer internship at the WHO curing World Hunger gave you a boost!

Overall, you were one of the stronger applicants we saw in this process, and we felt no choice but to accept you! And, glad you got rejected from the University of Accepted! You will be much happier here anyway—our 3.5 month diploma is one of its only kind in the country! Can’t wait to see you in April!

Best, University of Deferred Admissions Team

Courtesy of Urban Dictionary

It has its share of normal teenage hormonal behavior, but, contrary to some news reports, is not home to extravagant orgies. Even the stereotypical stoners and shallow DSGs tend to be surprisingly intelligent. The administration occasionally feeds the students feel-good, politically correct crap. Boarders are very loyal to their dorms, and day students rally under the 'because our parents love us' slogan... such is life.

Nobles Kid: It'll be, like, really funny if we drive by Milton Academy and honk our horn, like, really loud at them!!! *guffaws* Techie: *hiss* All your base are belong to us.

Freshman: *blinks* DSG: Daddy's buying me these giant, fuzzy Uggs!

Speechie: *slinks off to rejoin his evil speechie clan* Student Body: OHHHH SIXXX!! FOOOOORBES! YEAH HALLOWELL!! etc. #isl#boarding school#prep school#high school#milton#dsg by i_am_sam89 January 02, 2006

Wednesday, December 13th, 2017

Ranchel Dressing

Page 11

The Top 5 Most Played Songs on Milton’s New Music Streaming Network

By Abby Foster ‘19 and Natasha Roy '19

1. Tooty ta 2. “It’s just vapor-- it can’t be that bad for you!”

3. Fat Wallet by Slump T 4. Jackie B reading all the DC statements of the past five years: 10 hour techno remix 5. The Class IV Follies - Original Broadway Cast Recording

Questions, from the Students What does IA stand for?

Why is Wolcott not pronounced WULL-CAUGHT? Where is the Health Center and why is it a literal quest to get there?

Why do people call it the lib for its pronounced LYE-brary?

Where is Mr. Ball going with this speech?

Why haven’t more people gotten hit crossing the street?

Where do I hide my juul?

Why are the Stu doors so hard to open?

Are room checks really ~random~?

Does Sparknotes count as cheating?

Why is the AMC a literal labyrinth?

What does OBK stand for?

Have you ever learned anything in math class?

So who exactly goes to the Nesto Gallery?

Is 300 words enough for a 1000 word essay?

We have golf?

Did anyone else cry themselves to sleep last night?

Wednesday, December 13th, 2017

Ice Cream

Page 12

Senior Quotes

Ryan Stone “Sometimes I just wake up in the middle of the night and cry then scream then cry then whip out my iPad and give everyone an assembly late”

Coach Reddicks ”The only thing I love more than my family is Cormac Ryan.”

Sandi Dunnington “There are 6 1/2 days between Thanksgiving break and winter vacation.”

Patrick Owens “I definitely am not in love with Ms. Swain ;)”

Caroline Sabin ”A is for God. B is for me. C is for you.”

Andre Heard “I shotgun a Redbull before every DC I sit in on”

Todd Bland “You’re all beautiful gems.

I love you for who you are.

You never fail to amaze me...

Wait have I used this speech before?”

David Ball ”P.S. Turner’s pond and LSD make for great morning assembly speeches.”

Lisa Baker “Who is Jake Paul? Is he a student here?”

Ilan Rodriguez “Dropping a fire rap album on diversity and inclusion on Soundcloud.”

Eric Idsvoog *softly slamming fists on table* “I just love this poem so much.”

Katie Williams *aggressively slamming office regulations on TMP desk* “The windows need to be clear!!”