Grounded

GROUNDED CLAIRE WARHOVER

I HAVE A CONDITION KNOWN AS DEPERSONALIZATION/DEREALIZATION DISORDER, OR DP/DR. THIS DISORDER LOOKS DIFFERENT FOR EVERYONE WHO HAS IT, AND I AM ONLY GOING TO DESCRIBE MY EXPERIENCE. THE SYMPTOMS THAT I EXPERIENCE MAY LOOK QUITE DIFFERENT THAN THOSE THAT SOMEONE ELSE DOES, SO DON'T ASSUME WHAT SOMEONE IS GOING THROUGH JUST

BY THE NAME. MY HOPE IS THAT BY READING THIS COMIC, YOU GET A BETTER SENSE OF WHAT IT IS LIKE FOR ME, AS AN INDIVIDUAL, TO LIVE WITH THIS DISORDER.

DEPERSONALIZATION FEELS LIKE I'M DETACHED FROM MY MIND, BODY, AND LIFE.

WHAT IS DP/DR? LET'S BREAK IT DOWN PIECE

BY PIECE

MY SENSES ARE ALTERED,

AND NUMBED,

LIKE SOMETHING'S INTERFERING.

WHEN I THINK ABOUT THE PAST, IT'S DISTORTED. I SOMETIMES HAVE THE SENSE THAT MY MEMORIES AREN'T MINE, AND RECENT MEMORIES CAN FEEL LIKE A LIFETIME AGO,

AND I STRUGGLE TO FEEL THEM,

IF I CAN REMEMBER ANYTHING AT ALL.

BUT I FEEL THINGS VERY DEEPLY, I FEEL EMPTY A LOT OF THE TIME,

AND I FEEL OTHERS' EMOTIONS EASILY,

SO WHEN PEOPLE OPEN UP TO ME IT ALLOWS ME TO FEEL.

SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE I DON'T KNOW WHO I AM, OR EVEN WHAT I ENJOY.

I WORRY ONE DAY I'LL LOSE MYSELF AND NEVER FIND ME AGAIN.

DEREALIZATION ON THE OTHER HAND FEELS LIKE I'M DETACHED FROM EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE AROUND ME,

LIKE I'M IN A FOG, OR A DREAM.

IT'S HARD FOR ME TO FEEL CLOSE TO PEOPLE.

THEY TELL ME THEY LOVE ME BUT I CAN'T FEEL THEM.

I CAN'T STOP PONDERING MY EXISTENCE,

AND SOMETIMES BELIEVE I'M NOT REAL,

OR THAT NOTHING IS,

WHICH SENDS ME INTO A PANIC.

BUT I KNOW THAT'S NOT TRUE, WHICH IS THE ONLY THING THAT SEPARATES ME FROM A PSYCHOTIC DISORDER,

AND I WORRY THAT ONE DAY I'LL FLOAT SO FAR AWAY THAT I'LL NEVER COME BACK, I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M HERE, OR WHY ANYONE IS, SO I DO WHAT I CAN TO STAY GROUNDED.

I AM LEARNING TO COPE WITH IT, AND CAN USE IT TO MY ADVANTAGE. MY DAYDREAMS ARE UNINHIBITED. MY IMAGINATION HAS NO LIMITS.

AT ITS CORE, DP/DR IS AN UNCONSCIOUS COPING MECHANISM. I SUIT UP EACH MORNING, UNKNOWINGLY, SO THAT IF THE WORLD TRIES TO HURT ME I WON'T FEEL IT, AND, SOMEHOW, I AM GRATEFUL.

CLAIRE WARHOVER SAM FOX SCHOOL OF DESIGN AND VISUAL ARTS PANEL BY PANEL: NARRATIVE COMICS SPRING 2020