G T h e G loob
FROZEN
+ CHS GATEKEEPER MS. ROZ MCCOY REFUSES ENTRY TO ID-LESS STUDENT STUDENT FREEZES TO DEATH
. VOLUME 69 . ISSUE 420 CLAYTON HIGH SCHOOL. CLAYTON, MO. APRIL 2020.
1 “All the News Dr. G Couldn’t Censor”
The GLoOb
VOL. 69 ... NO. 420
BY BERNIE SANDERS JOE BIDEN TULSI GABBARD
ST. LOUIS, APRIL, 2020
CLAYTON CHATS
Dr. Gutchewsky starts new program, “Clayton Chats,” an open environment for students to complain about Clayton Conversations. In a constant effort to provide a platform for student voices, the District is replacing traditional academics with a period of wholesome reflection every February 29th. Students will be encouraged to speak up about flaws within the current Clayton Conversations program between intervals of friendly whiteboard hangman for stress relief. Students that are hesitant to speak in front of the group will be offered an alternative method of sharing their ideas that will include submitting an original TikTok highlighting their ideas to administrators.
“I’m not sure why I’m here. I thought this was chess club, bruh,” senior Jimmy Malone said. The program comes with a new team bonding initiative in which members of each group will be left to fend for themselves on a desolate island for upwards of two weeks. Administrators are enthusiastic about the future of the program. “We’re excited to leave this legacy for generations of future students,” Principal Gutchewsky said.
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TOP TEN STUDENTS AT CHS Life isn’t a popularity contest, but sometimes it is. Here are the top 10 students at Clayton High School. 1. Kyle McCord 2. Adam Schmidt 3. TBD 4. Don Ung 5. Michael Bernard 6. Borna Dianati 7. TBD 8. $%#^@&* 9. The Boeger Family 10. Dhruv Kumar
WAITING TEACHER IS STILL WAITING It’s been awhile.
It has been reported that during early third hour yesterday, a Clayton teacher faced with a disruptive class said “I’ll wait”. It has been over 24 hours since the incident took place, and according to all credible accounts, the teacher is still waiting. It isn’t clear how long the standoff will continue, but it is entirely possible that the nameless teacher will be waiting for some time.
STUDENT FREEZES TO DEATH AFTER MS. ROZ REFUSES TO LET HIM IN CHS revisits its ethics policy following potential lawsuit threatened by greiving parents Henry and Jenny Grasser. “He didn’t have his card,” said CHS gatekeeper Ms. Roz McCoy. “I told him everyday, this is the last time I’m going to let you in without your card! I was tired of being a liar.” Student’s last words were as followed: “Roz please let me in it’s cold out I’m sorry I forgot my
ID please Roz it’s freezing.” The Clayton Police Department released a report stating that the student was wearing nothing but flip-flops and khaki shorts despite the sub-zero weather.
STUDENT CAUGHT READING GLOBE “I was in shock. Instead of flipping uncontrollably through the entire issue, they took the time to read the articles. I’ve never seen anything like it,” said CHS senior Grace Snelling. Many students felt threatened by the new development. “If people start reading the words then who’s going to look at my neat pictures?” said Globe Multimedia Commander in Chief Michael Melinger.
2 U.N. TO AID IN CHS WATER CRISIS CHS enlists outside help after 13th water main break this week A state of emergency has been declared at CHS after the school’s water main broke for the 13th time this week. After a crisis meeting of the School Board, the relevant authorities have been notified, and, as of this morning, the situation has been brought under control. Although the District has received complaints from students having to swim upstream to class, the School Board has suggested that for the moment, school will proceed as normal. The principal, Dr. Gutchewsky, addressed prominent concerns over the announcements today: “I’d just like to let everyone know that repairs on the water main are proceeding in an entirely satisfactory manner,” an Gutchewsky said, “While we haven’t been able to get support from the UN, I have spoken to the President, and he assures me that the appropriate federal resources will be forthcoming.
For the moment, I’d like everyone at Clayton to remain calm and make sure that any FBI or National Guard helicopters you see flying around don’t distract you during class. Thank you and have a great weekend.” Issues with the water system have also caused a disciplinary conflict, as at least 12 students have been written up for fishing in the hallways. The most disastrous result: CHS sophomores no longer have a place to vape during school, as the bathrooms are completely flooded. “I’ve resulted to standing over my diffuser and just inhaling all I can,” an anonymous sophomore said. Gutchewsky and President Trump are hopeful, but for now students will have to continue completing the 4.5 mile hike to the communal Porta Potty.
RECOUNT OF IOWA CAUCUSES REVEAL ADAM JAFFE TO BE IN FIRST PLACE
Accomplished CHS student pulls ahead of adult candidates in the US Democratic primary.
“I didn’t even know he was running for president. Don’t you have to be 35 years old?” said former front-runner Bernie Sanders. Despite Jaffe’s young age, his experience as CHS Superintendent won voters at an unprecedented rate. “Well, I’ll tell you one thing. Jaffe seems to have more experience than I do,” said former candidate Pete Buttigieg. His policies speak for themselves. No use of electrical lights or indoor plumbing are just starting points. He also hopes to eliminate religion and hair.
CORONAVIRUS IN ST. LOUIS COUNTY Dr. Gutchewsky comments on recent school closings.
“Ha!” an administrator said, after being informed of school closings at Villa Duchesne and Oak Hill. “We aren’t private school wimps here. This is Clayton!” Clayton has been known to be closed on Fridays, Mondays, some Thursdays, all holidays, Columbus Day, Halloween, the days surrounding Halloween, April 6, and when it rains. It seems pandemics are out of the question. “Bruh that guy literally just coughed in my face,” said CHS Junior James Marsden. “I’m scared for my life over here, people coughing every which way.” While the influenza virus tends to send most infected patients to bed, the coronavirus actually acts as a stimulant, triggering the brain to crave mass travel and adventure. “Over break I went to France, China, Portugal, Chad, Brazil, Zambia, Cuba, Canada, Burundi, Russia, Belarus, Laos, Finland, Bulgaria, Serbia, Antarctica, Andora, Djibouti, Luxembourg and Italy. Rome was great! Not crowded at all,” said a CHS student with a sister at Villa Duchesne.
3 FRESHMEN DISCOVER THAT CHAIRS EXIST Halls suddenly empty. “I’m just shocked,” CHS freshman Ryan Rosenthal said. “Up until now I’ve been sitting in the middle of the hall to scream with my friends. Now I’m hearing that the school has something called a library where there are chairs?” Apparently other students noted a similar advantage to arranging themselves in conveniently placed seats rather than the most trafficked area in school, as district officials recorded an 100% reduction of verbal abuse directed towards underclassmen by seniors.
TULSI GABBARD TO WIN IN A LANDSLIDE! Recently, political theorists realized that they had made a mistake regarding a decimal point when developing their predictions for the 2020 national election. A recalculation has shown democratic candidate Tulsi Gabbard to sweep the nation on the third of November, gaining all possible 538 electoral votes. “I think that we’ve all been in support of Gabbard this whole time, we were all just too afraid to tell one another for fear of social ostracization,” Said CHS sophomore Eliot Blackmoore. “Once she placed second in the American Samoa, I realized it was all over for the other democratic candidates– now I’m just waiting for them to drop out and endorse her.”
The Democratic National Convention (DNC) has requested that people stop sending letters requesting their votes to be changed. “Once I realized I wasn’t alone, I immediately wanted to rescind my vote,” said CHS senior Jacob LaGesse, who only recently turned 18. Possible solutions to this problem have been posed by the DNC, the leading option is to simply remove remaining democratic candidates Joe Biden and Bernie Sanders from the ballot entirely, transferring their won delegates to Gabbard. President Donald Trump could not be found to comment, and sources say that he has isolated himself in the Oval Office after hearing word of the new projections.
CHS CONSTRUCTION UPDATE
TIKTOK TERROR The rising app has spread throughout CHS and takes its toll on students While wandering the halls of Clayton High School, one will see students with their noses buried in their phones invested in a single app: TikTok. “I spend around 32 hours a day on TikTok. I don’t sleep, I don’t eat… only TikTok,” said senior Lila Taylor. The addiction is growing. Students can be spotted during all times of the day doing dances including the mind controlling “Renegade” and other dances such as “Say So.” The Globe would like to recommend a healthy maximum of 8 hours of TikTok per day. If you or a loved one begin to exhibit symptoms including, but not limited to: unstoppable renegadeing, eye-twitches, throw-it-backitis, singing at all times, speaking in cursive or death, contact a local TikTok rehabilitation center.
A revision to the Third Amendment.
The CHS administration would like to reach out to students and thank them for their patience surrounding the construction and the impact it has had in the student parking lot. “It hasn’t gone unnoticed,” said Dr. Danskey. “We’d like to commend everyone’s patience throughout this project, especially since it was supposed to be finished before spring.” In order to speed up the process, CHS and the Center of Clayton will be tripling the number of construction workers. Not only will parking in the student lot become obsolete, but each student at CHS will be required to put up at least one
construction worker in their home. “We understand that this may be slightly inconvenient for some of you,” said Danskey. “But do not fret, each construction worker will supply their own air mattress and snacks.” Students and their families will be expected to provide their worker(s) will three square meals a day, water, allowance, gasoline for their gigantic trucks, love and support, homework help, health insurance and hugs. Extra credit will be given to students who host three or more construction workers. CHS thanks everyone for their cooperation.
Make $500 Fast! Any CHS student willing to go to Peppers and stay for longer than 15 minutes. Redeemable starting 2021. PAID FOR BY T’SHON YOUNG