Destiny Vaughan

Not Seen

Destiny Vaughan

I hate feeling uncomfortable. It’s weird and leaves a bad taste in my mouth. It makes me want to run and hide in a dark, lonely place. I’ve been taught since birth not to stand out. It causes pain, whether mentally or physically. It gives you attention and others the authority to judge; makes you seem awkward and stupid, like you’re trying too hard. Then, you hunger and thirst for it, like a power-crazed authoritarian, and soon you become who you promised you wouldn’t be. The person who you spent every freaking second of your life with, which drives you crazy to the point where you hope to die. Oh, how dying seems worth it sometimes, but, if you pull the plug, you will have missed out on so much in store for you.

As a teen, I didn’t see that, or didn't want to see that. I saw only peace and freedom I so craved. I craved it like a starving man or a beast praying for the opportunity to get its next prey. So he too can live another day. I compare myself to this beast, how it fights to stay, while I wish I wouldn’t. I want the peace that passes all understanding, but I can’t get it by quitting. I must fight as the wild, hungry beast does. If not, I would have let my greatest enemy of all time win. But, Oh, Lord, how I long for you to fight this battle. Let you take over and win for me. Save me from these terrifying swells and feed me peace, your peace, Lord, before I am completely gone. Oh, how I hate feeling uncomfortable, But not as much as losing.