Serious
inquiries
ONLY An Illustrated Anthology of Craigslist Requests
Serious
inquiries
ONLY
An illustrated anthology of craigslist requests
Illustrated, and Designed by
Chloe Kramer
Introduction Craigslist.org is the Wild West of the digital world, where anything goes. While many use it to carry out their daily pursuits, the platform’s inherent accessibility invites the unconventional. This creates an interesting open forum for the unorthodox and a community for the peculiar. Craigslist is a place where anonymity meets humanity. Through a variety of characters and encounters, Craigslist brings together the banal and the bizarre, transcending the ordinary and making it extraordinary. In exploring the depths of this abundance of material, I am fascinated by the study of human nature. I chose to use Craigslist postings as the material for my illustrations because I am interested in the strange, surprising, and serendipitous encounters and connections facilitated by this community based website. Although the process of translating these texts to illustrations was challenging, this obstacle gave me the freedom to experiment with the fantastical, even outlandish possibilities. By giving a face to these faceless characters, I wanted to encourage others to imagine who is on the other side of the screen.
Artist to help create Pop Tarts Mural I love Pop Tarts. Why has no one made a mural with this delicious snack food that is perfect for breakfast or a tasty treat? I want to change that and create a work of art that everyone can admire. I will supply the Pop Tarts, you create the artwork. I can’t pay for this project as I will be taking out a small loan to fund the Pop Tarts. If interested, please respond with your idea and preferred Pop Tart flavor(s). Please, no Chocolate Sprinkles – I dislike that flavor.
Feline Cat Surrogate This title says it all. I work from home and I need someone to sit next to me and allow my cat to sit on their lap (the cat is attention seeking, and has been decreasing my productivity as of late). This is a morning shift from 8am-12pm at $15 / hr. I do not need anyone in the afternoon, since the sun warms the windowsill by that point, and the cat will prefer the windowsill to a lap. Breakfast and lunch will be provided each day. You must have experience handling cats, no allergies, and a plus for experience with older cats (mine is 18 yrs old).
Can We Borrow Your Dog? Hi, so... we bought some bacon and some coffee this morning, but due to being drunk we seem to have misplaced it. We are 90-93% sure it’s in our house somewhere. But where? We seriously have no idea. It’s driving us nuts! We just want to drink some coffee and eat some freaking bacon. If you have a dog that likes smelling and finding bacon we would love to have him over. We will even feed you bacon once it’s found. Please help!
pet cat foR hire The Position
What I Will Do As Your Pet Cat
I’m hiring myself out as a pet cat to anyone who wants to own me. I truly believe I would make a great pet cat, much better than your typical cat. If you’re interested we’ll sign a one year contract, renegotiable at the end of the term. Basically, I’ll provide all the services of a pet cat, while you pay for all my food and housing, plus incidental.
Basically, my objective is to fulfill all the duties of a domestic cat. I promise to sit around the house all day doing nothing, catch naps, maybe watch some TV. I will NOT do any work whatsoever, nor will I pick up the phone. Since we cats like to stay clean, I will have a long warm bath two times a day. When you come back after work, I will give you 30 seconds of affection, then go back to my nap. If you speak to me about what happened at work, I will gaze impassively at the wall, and you will have no idea whether I am listening to you or not. I will largely ignore any friends or relatives that you bring over.
Things About Me I am at my best slacking off, sitting around the house, that kind of thing. Very much like a cat. My lifelong passion and hobby is napping, and my qualifications in this field are impeccable. Sometimes I change rooms or chairs, and sometimes I even go to the front window to see what’s going on in the street. One of my favorite moments is the long drawn out yawn accompanied by a full body stretch. At nights I will like to take a nip outside and prowl around town, getting back a bit before sunrise. My Job Experience 1995-1998: Lived at my parent’s. No job whatsoever and lounged around the house. Performed these duties admirably. 1998-2000: Lived at my sister’s place with her fiancé. Still no job... watched TV mostly from the couch, sometimes the floor. Achieved all goals and overcame all obstacles, gained the experience needed to move myself forward professionally.
What You Will Do As My Owner Your job is to provide me with all the food I need to stay happy. (Uhh, I’m a talented cat too so I know how to open the fridge and help myself to food, keep it stocked). It’s also up to you to keep the place clean, so I can find plenty of areas to sit and nap. As a potential owner you’ll most definitely have a TV with satellite (like all cats, I’m mesmerized by the moving things on the screen) that I’ll be able to watch while you are at work. All medical/dental expenses covered by you, the employer. I’m not your typical stay at home cat so it’s vital you leave a window open at night so I can go out and roam. Don’t worry where I go, if it makes you feel better you can leave me some spending cash on the table before you go to bed. So how does that sound? If you are interested send me an email.
A Lifetime Supply of Hot Sauce I have many, many boxes of hot sauce to trade for something equally awesome. You probably need a vehicle to move these boxes. I’m guessing it’s about 200 lbs of sauce; heavy enough to crush a man. That’s a lot of sauce. Sorry hipsters, but one of those messenger bags is not going to cut it. So yeah, ask your friend if you can borrow his car in exchange for hot sauce, or get several bicyclists with trailers and promise to feed them (sauce) if they’ll help move it. Did I mention that there’s a lot of it? Probably enough to fill your bathtub, just in case you wanted to take a bath in hot sauce. This sauce es muy rico y piquante. I know. I tried some. Tired of those bland protein shakes? Kick it up a notch! For the rest of your life!
Christmas Cheer For anyone feeling a little low this festive season I have decided to sell off some of my Christmas Cheer. I have had plenty of happy Christmases , so I am happy to have a lousy one this year if it means someone else will have a good one. I have managed to trap the Cheer in a plastic shopping bag, but I’m not sure how long it will stay there, so looking for a quick sale. Happy to negotiate a price. I just want to bring the cheer to a good home. Contact Larry for details.
1500 Ladybugs accidentally bought When drunk, Feels bad So, after consuming pot brownies and getting a little too drunk on Thanksgiving a friend and I decided to buy 1500 live ladybugs from Amazon, which was a great idea until they came in the mail. Now, they’re sitting on my windowsill and I have nothing to really do with them. If I set them free they’ll die in this weather, if I leave them on my windowsill they’ll die. So, if you have a greenhouse or some kind of animal to feed them to it’d be awesome. I don’t want to ruin 1500 lives. Email me and tell me what you’re gonna do with them. If you can come pick them up, they’re yours.
The Gator that Ate my PotBellied Pig I need help catching the gator that ate my prized pig. My pig (Rudy Belle) was wearing a very expensive necklace, a generational necklace, which was in my wife’s family for years. The emotional distress I have had from losing my pig is nothing like the stress I will receive from my wife if I don’t get it back. It happened at the Blue Cypress Golf Club and it scared the bejesus out of me. I spoke to management and they said there was nothing they could do. If anyone has found the necklace or has seen this gator (has a weird blotchy snout) please contact me! Thanks, Jimmy T.
Artist Needed. Must Love Owls. Imagine yourself driving through taco fields with King Kamehameha watching after you. He turns to you and requests this in Hawaiian. “We need an artist to depict the following: an owl skeleton with a parrot on its shoulder. The parrot is not a skeleton and is very colorful. The parrot has a peg leg, with a pirate hat on. The owl has an eye patch and a gold chain necklace with a skull on the pendant of said necklace. The skull in the pendant has an eye patch on the opposite eye of the owl (long story there don’t ask). The owl skeleton also has on a wizard’s hat with the typical wizard hat wrinkle. The owl is standing on a cowboy hat from a whale’s spout. This all is within a snow globe, that Santa is holding with his only good hand because his other hand is a hook. Mrs. Claus is pulling on Mr. Claus’s coat with one of those dinosaur mouth grabbers that all 80’s children know.”
Need to Borrow/Rent Live Ducks (Not a joke) Hosting a house party. Need ducks for a party game. Ducks will be unharmed and I prefer the owner remains with the ducks to ensure proper care and safety to both my standards and yours. Compensation: invitation to party, free drinks for the entire night, or if you prefer small cash fee $ (40?) Details: ducks will be gently secured into the passenger seats of a model train set. Origami hats made of 1,5 and 10 dollar bills will be placed on each duck’s head. Guests will pay a dollar for an opportunity pick a hat from a duck’s head as a prize as the train passes by them. One dollar per attempt (lap around tracks). Serious inquiries only please.
Waiter Needed for Roughly two Hours As a kind of fun change of pace, my wife and I want to have a fancy dinner at McDonald’s. I need someone who is willing to be our waiter so that we can make this happen. We will show up for dinner wearing formal attire. You must provide your own formal attire for this gig. Slacks, dress shoes, and a button down shirt and tie, or a dark cocktail dress and flats. I will provide the tablecloth, napkins, nice plates, and wine glasses. You need to get there before us and have the table set up and ready to go. You must greet us at the door and show us to our seats and hand us our menus (they have them up front). Once we order, just go up to the counter and buy the food from the employees (but wait a while so it seems like they are making our food). But don’t forget to keep filling up our drinks!
When we are finished, bring us the food receipt and I will pay you for the food, plus $50 for your services, plus tip. The whole thing shouldn’t take longer than a couple hours, including set up and cleanup. Please be as professional as possible.
I Took your Purse and Felt a Connection Tuesday night around 11:30 on 53rd between 1st and 2nd. You came out of the subway and I followed you. You looked over your shoulder, saw me and started walking faster. I ran up, grabbed your arm, took your purse and ran away. I’ve done many a snatch and grab, but no one has ever stuck in my mind like you. There was a quick moment when our eyes met that I felt something strong. I think you felt it too. If I wasn’t so shy (or so committing a crime) I would have asked your name. I of course later got your name from your drivers license. So Jennifer, if you’d like to get together for a drink sometime, get back to me. Oh, and I can give you back your purse. Your credit cards are still there, but I spent the cash (sorry). And my roommate took your tampons. I don’t know what he does with them but he always takes the tampons. If it works out between us, I’ll totally buy you some new ones ;-)
My Teeth I left my Dentures in your Silverado last night. I gave you my number but did not get yours. Please call me ASAP. I need my teeth! We met in the parking lot of Margarita Jones. Get back to me asap please. Thank you.
Woman to sit in my bathtub full of noodles I will pay you $1 USD to sit in my bathtub full of noodles while you wear a one piece bathing suit. I will not be home, nor will anyone else while you do this. I will leave the key for you, and you will sit at your leisure. I will require at least a 5 minute stay. A neighbor will watch the front door from across the street using a supplied stopwatch, and will time your entry and departure. Please supply your own footwear. The noodles will be cooked, and therefore slippery.
To the person who has my Ikea Dresser... I’m sorry to have to post this, but a horrible mistake was made. When you picked up the dresser I was not home. My roommate was supposed to make sure that my ferrets were put away, but… bottom line, my two ferrets are in separate drawers of the dresser. They should be okay, but I wanted to warn you not to take them both out at the same time. They were rescues… and I was never able to socialize them. They not only fight, but actively plot each other’s demise. Otherwise – they’re perfectly fine! Please call or email when you read this. *Sorry for the inconvenience.
Colophon The Designer This book was designed and illustrated by Chloe Kramer for her senior seminar project in Spring 2014 at Washington University in St. Louis at the Sam Fox School of Design and Visual Arts. The Production This book was set in Knockout HTF* Featherweight and Archer Medium. Printed on Medium Surface 80 lb Drawing paper and Cougar 80-lb Natural white paper. Acknowledgments Chloe would like to thank her seminar advisor, John Hendrix, the faculty in the Communication Design Department, Ken Botnick, her studiomates, roommates, friends, and family for their continued support and advice. For permission to reproduce this book, please contact Chloe.Kram@gmail.com
Š 2014 Chloe Kramer