SKQ Issue 17 The Conversation Issue

The Conversation Edition

Welcome

The Conversation Edition to issue 17

“We challenge you to start with the article you’d normally pass over

For this issue of SKQ, we’ve chosen thought-provoking subjects that were once taboos but that are now coming to the fore. They may make you feel a little uncomfortable but that is kind of the point. It is about taking a moment to dive into a subject that you may usually avoid. We’re talking about men’s mental health; the menopause; alcohol abuse and children in care.

But why are we doing this? Well, it’s about encouraging us all to start up a conversation, to use these articles as a springboard for a good chat with someone. There is so much to be gained from a conversation, especially one about an interesting and sometimes divisive subject. You not only learn something about the views and experiences of the person you’re talking to, more often than not, you learn something about yourself too.

Conversations always take you on a journey. You start in one place and meander through to other areas as comments and points of view spark new ideas and new questions. You never quite know where you’ll end up, but you always build a deeper understanding of people and undoubtedly strengthen your relationship with them. While you might start at opposite ends of the opinion table, a really good conversation will help you tease out the common ground, allowing you to celebrate your similarities as well as your differences.

That is no mean feat in today’s world, where everything is expected to fit neatly into black and white, where there is less and less room for the grey – the interesting bit. You’re either for or against; remain or leave; right wing or left. The more we turn our back on talking about the messy middle, where overlap, contradictions and surprises can be found, the more connections we lose.

It feels very much like having a conversation is a bit of a dying art these days. Everyone is chasing the headline grabbing soundbite, the snappy post that goes viral, catching up on texts. It works some of the time, but it has also polarised people’s views, pushing them to the outer limits. People are being forced to cut ties with the nuances of their views that don’t fit neatly into their allocated opinion box, creating a ‘them and us’ society. And that can never be a good thing.

So here we are with some conversation starters – we challenge you to start with the article you’d normally pass over. See what you think and then ask someone what they think. And when you start the conversation, try active listening. Don’t be distracted by something else (your phone perhaps) and don’t simply wait for the other person to finish so you can share your view (we’ve all done that). Actively listen. Take in their views and see how they sit with your own. We hope it will encourage you to really think and to challenge your views because that’s when the very best ideas flourish. Who knows where it will take you but we guarantee it’ll be worthwhile.

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www.nickelston.com

As we journey through life, each decade throws its own unique set of challenges our way. However, there’s something peculiarly tricky about navigating the mental health landscape for men in their 40s and 50s.

Hi there, I’m Nick Elston, and at the ripe young age of 46, I’ve seen a thing or two about life’s ups and downs, twists and turns. Let’s dive into this topic with the seriousness it deserves, but let’s also crack a smile or two along the way. After all, laughter can sometimes be the best medicine.

The Silent Battle

For many men hitting their 40s and 50s, life can suddenly feel like an uncharted territory filled with questions about purpose, achievements, and what lies ahead. The societal pressure to “have it all figured out” by now adds an extra layer of complexity, often leading to a silent struggle with mental health. And yet, amidst trying to be the rock for everyone else, many men forget the golden rule: you can’t pour from an empty cup.

Why So Serious?

Humour has an incredible power to diffuse tension, even when discussing heavy topics like mental health and suicide. So, while we’re navigating these murky waters, let’s remember to find moments of lightness. Have you ever tried yoga and ended up looking more like a confused pretzel than a Zen master? Yep, me too. It’s these moments of humility and laughter that remind us we’re all human, all fumbling through life’s manual that frankly, none of us were given.

The Path Less Whispered

Talking about mental health, especially with a nod to suicide, is tough for anyone, but historically even more so for men. The stigma attached to admitting “I’m not okay” is like carrying a double-edged sword while wearing blindfolds. It’s time we change the narrative and create spaces where vulnerability isn’t seen as weakness but as the ultimate strength.

Light at the End of the Tunnel

The good news? It’s never too late to take a step in the right direction. Mental health is a journey, not a destination, and every small step counts. Whether it’s picking up the phone to chat with a friend, joining a local walking group, or simply sitting in the sunshine for a few extra minutes each day, these small moments can add up to significant changes in our well-being.

The Call to Arms (or a Friendly Chat)

Reaching out for help is brave, not a sign of defeat. If you or someone you know is struggling, remember, there’s always support available. I’m here to share, listen, and guide you through the power of speaking and transformation. And if you’re ever in doubt, Samaritans are just a phone call away at ‘116123’.

5 Learning Points:

1. Vulnerability is Strength: It’s okay not to be okay. Opening up about your struggles is the first step towards healing.

2. Humour as Therapy:Finding humour in the daily grind can lighten the load and bring perspective to our challenges.

3.Community Matters: You’re not alone. Surrounding yourself with a supportive community can make all the difference.

4.Small Steps, Big Impact: Don’t underestimate the power of small, positive changes in your daily routine.

5. Reach Out: Whether it’s a professional, a friend, or a helpline like Samaritans, never hesitate to reach out for help.

In a world that often demands us to be everything to everyone, it’s crucial we take a moment to check in with ourselves. Remember, navigating the maze of midlife and mental health is not a journey you have to take alone. Together, let’s forge a path through speaking, sharing, and supporting each other. For more resources and a listening ear, head over to www.nickelston.com/ need-help.

Let’s make a pact to break the silence around men’s mental health and to move, little by little, towards a brighter, healthier future. Because, gents, we’re worth it.

Children in Care:

Let’s remove the stigma

By Kunle Olafare, Chief Executive, SK Financial

“I always believed it was the things that you don’t choose that makes you who you are. Your city, your neighbourhood, your family.

(CASEY AFFLECK – GONE BABY GONE)

Even in today’s world, there is still such a stigma attached to children in care. It’s a taboo subject. It’s a hard one to explain to others. And then if you do try, there’s the fear that people won’t care or will simply reject your story.

Children don’t choose to be born.

Children don’t choose to end up in foster care.

But the reality is that in the UK, there are over 100,000 children living in care. The data is difficult to reconcile as many children enter care repeatedly throughout their childhood and this transient arrangement is quite common. Public Health Researcher, Dr Louise McGrath Lone, recently highlighted that at any one time, one child

in every classroom in England came from a care background.

I currently volunteer for theThe EY Programme – The Beyond Your Limit programme, which has a particular focus on young people in care. Given my background, I had an emotional pull to this programme.

These are children who have been let down by adults repeatedly. What is care?

Care is where there is family dysfunction and a need for a child to be looked after safety. As I said, no child chooses to be born and yet through no fault of their own, they are already at a disadvantage.

Imran Hussain (Action for Children) immaculately summarises this:

“Every child and young person should have a fair start in life, but this isn’t the case for many of the 108,000 young people growing up in the UK care system. Theirs are some of the worst starts in life – violence in the family, abuse, neglect – it all has a massive emotional impact. Even care carries a stigma – people forget that these are children who have been let down by adults repeatedly without family to fall back on.

It is a strange feeling to know that you are not wanted. Weirdly, not that strange at the time as you try to adapt to your surroundings, try to fit into conversations, try to make yourself relevant.

Yet as time goes on, the flashbacks start and so do the unanswered questions “Why did no one want me?” “Why does no-one care about me?” “What’s the point?” and the mind has a way of acting that can increase self-doubt, and leads you to question who you are.

As Ivan Maslow noted, we as human beings all need love, security, food, water, a home.

Not having access to these basic, yet essential requirements can really affect us, especially in the early years.  It can reduce confidence, dimmish selfworth and damage the mind. It can also lead to poor decision making, bad behaviour and lack of self-belief.

What can we do to help?

For those of you that know me, you’ll know that I always try to understand the problem and then try to focus on a solution.

I believe that if I can help a young person get paid employment, that this will help their confidence. If they can get relevant qualifications and pass professional examinations to help them gain recognition, that this will help their chances of seeking permanent and hopefully purposeful employment.

22% of children in care are in education, training or employment compared to 57% of their peers.

Just 6% go into further education. The average salary of a care experienced adult is £6,000, the average UK salary is c£35,000 per annum.

1/3 will be homeless at some point in their lives.

The EY Programme I work with helps to develop skills for those that are taking their first steps into a career, such as:

Increased self-confidence. Effective communication.

Presentation skills.

Improved financial literacy.

Stronger self and career ambition.

One of the highlights that I truly appreciate is the celebration at the end of the programme, where each young person gets the chance to speak, share and receive a certificate.

To receive the round of applause from an audience which is made up of volunteers, family members and friends reminds me of that extra support so many children receive from their birth parents. When they cheer them on from the sidelines watching a ball game, a school play, a music event. It can be those memories and the emotions that go with this, that can help a younger person with their selfdevelopment.

Give every child a chance

Many of you will remember your 18th birthday. How young you really were back then. But for a child in care, that’s the age that you get released from your care plan and now have to live independently. Living independently at 18 - can you imagine? No family structure, low self-esteem, limited job opportunities.

Of the youngsters that I have met, many just want the chance to find paid work. Some even are keen to start their own business. They readily admit that they are lacking in motivation, social skills, confidence, relevant experience and yet they are prepared to try. They just need the opportunity to access these experiences.

That’s why I call on more employers to follow the likes of The John Lewis Partnership to help offer these youngsters relavant and obtainable job opportunities. Employers, do your best to help them and if you can’t help them, don’t hurt them. Together we can remove the stigma.

Giving up alcohol has given me back time

Dan Rowntree is a successful exited founder, business investor, entrepreneur and now coaches on all these topics. He also happens to have given up alcohol.

Dan has had a love / hate relationship with alcohol for most of his life. Much of his career to date has been in the booze industry – his marketing agency worked almost exclusively with drinks brands including Guinness, Smirnoff and Stella Artois. He owned and ran a thriving local pub in Nunhead, South East London and set up London’s most successful Craft Beer festival. On the flipside, growing up in the 90s, it was a badge of honour to drink heavily which lead to a dysfunctional relationship with alcohol and more recently his ex-wife tragically passed away at the age of just 41 from alcohol related liver disease after years of alcohol abuse.

Here we talk to him about people’s changing relationship with alcohol and some of the benefits and challenges of choosing not to drink.

Why do you think more people are now choosing to give up alcohol?

There are all kinds of reasons why people give up and many of them are very personal. For those of us in our forties who came of age in the 90s and early 2000s, the drinking culture was at its peak and it was a given that you would get drunk every weekend and in the week too, if you could get away with it. It’s a similar story for many of those in their 50s and 60s – it’s a case of this is just what we’ve always done.

But for many, this lifestyle has now taken its toll physically and mentally. Also, the stresses of juggling today’s stressful work culture with ramped up family commitments – for both men and women – makes drinking and recovery harder to manage and people are realising that alcohol does little to help with the mental side of coping with these pressures.

Also society is changing. It has become more socially acceptable to not drink, people are now starting to realise they do have a choice and that it’s fine to not drink. And because of this, I believe our generation (those of us in our 40s and 50s) will be one of the big quitters.

But things are very different for the younger generations now growing up. They don’t seem to have the same affiliation with alcohol. They get it and they are going to shape a different type of socialising.

What benefits have you experienced since you stopped drinking?

Giving up alcohol has given me back time I would have otherwise have lost. This has been the most surprising and unexpected benefit. Time is our most precious resource and with not drinking you get so much of it back. And it’s quality, clear-headed time.

I recently calculated how much time I have lost to alcohol. Let’s say for argument’s sake, I went out three times a week, lost a couple of hours at the end of each night (the time you can’t really remember what you said or did) and two hours on the next day to trying to get up, feed the hangover and drag my sorry backside to work or to some social occasions. That’s 12 hours a week. That works out at nearly a month a year lost to booze. I’m now almost 45, so let’s say I’m going to live until I’m 80, not drinking for the next 35 years buys me almost 3 years of time.

Everyone’s relationship with alcohol is different, but it is worth thinking about time. How often do we say ‘there’s not enough time in the day’ or ‘I wish I had time to do that’. And as we get older, time with family and friends becomes all the more precious. Not drinking gives you the gift of more time.

The other benefits are well documented – you think clearer, you’re more productive, you’re more present for your partner, your kids, friends. You’re fitter and more able to look after your physical health. All of which helps improve and support your mental wellbeing. For me, at least, the balance tips very much in favour of not drinking.

What have been the biggest challenges?

The biggest challenge is often social occasions and the questions from others – why are you not drinking? What’s wrong with you? Or even ‘come on, don’t be a bore, just have a drink’. All these things can be difficult to manage at the start of the journey.

You’re also battling social norms and often your own beliefs. People tend to see alcohol as a way to help them relax or enjoy a situation more. But if you look at things more scientifically, alcohol doesn’t help you relax. It does the total opposite, it increases your heart rate and can often make you more emotionally unstable.

If you think you enjoy a sports event or a big family gathering more with drink, try one without. You might find you actually watch and remember the whole cricket match, you remember

“I am not saying that everyone should give up alcohol or that it is a bad choice, I just encourage people to question the accepted beliefs about our relationship with alcohol.

those conversations more clearly, you actually get more out of the event than if you had been drinking. A gig without drinking is phenomenal – you remember the first song and the last! Skiing or snowboarding without drinking has been a gamechanger for me. You think that the booze is enhancing it but it’s not.

I am not saying that everyone should give up alcohol or that it is a bad choice, I just encourage people to question the accepted beliefs about our relationship with alcohol.

How did you start your journey?

I started with three months without drinking as part of the One Year No Beer initiative. Having done Dry January in the past and just white knuckled my way through it before leaning into the booze again on 1st Feb, I knew I needed something more structured. I wasn’t fixing any kind of habitual nature to giving up. Having the targets and One Year No Beer daily motivation worked. Three months went and I had no desire to go back to booze. This was a first. Three months turned into four, then five and here I am now at 27 months without drinking.

I recognised the negative traits of my habitual drinking and I just didn’t want to model a life for my daughter of habitual alcohol consumption, which is very much what I witnessed when I was growing up. I also know first-hand the negative side of booze – my ex-wife being an alcoholic and sadly passing away is, of course, a huge part of that.

What would you recommend to someone thinking about not drinking?

It’s not easy giving up alcohol. But if you’re keen to make a conscious change to your relationship with alcohol, you need to have some support around you and tell friends and family that this is what you are doing. Also, there are probably a few people that you are not going to want to go out with for a bit. You’ll know who they are.

The most important thing though is to have a plan for when you socialise or go out. We’re blessed with lots of non-alcoholic options now, so know what you’re going to drink before you get there. If you’re going to the pub, check what drinks they serve that are alcohol free.

What you will soon realise is that you can go to events, enjoy the atmosphere and the banter and then, when everyone else starts repeating themselves, you can head home, safe in the knowledge that you won’t miss anything. You’ll then get up in the morning, remember the good times and go off to do the things you want to – spend real quality time with your family and genuinely make the most of the day.

If you’d like to learn more about your relationship with alcohol and how to give up drinking, contact Dan Rowntree www.danielrowntree.me daniel@rowntrees.me

We need to change our view of the menopause

It’s time for radical change. The menopause affects every woman on the planet for about a third of their life (and for some it can be for more than half their life). I believe, therefore, that if we teach ourselves how women operate as hormonal beings with changes throughout our life, we will bring a huge amount of good to society by supporting women properly. But we still have a long way to go to achieve this.

Annys Fairweather Neuro Physio

A few years on from starting my own menopause journey, I am arguably the healthiest and fittest I’ve ever been in my life. But that is only because, as a health professional – I am a neuro-physio - I was able to access, understand and importantly, apply the right information about the menopause. I am fully aware of just how hard it is for the majority of people to access the right information, let alone apply to their life, especially when, as with the menopause, women have to break down a lot of health misinformation, which sticks like mud.

‘It is going to take generations to change people’s views on HRT’

When it comes to misinformation around the menopause, nothing beats the Women’s Health Initiative (WHI) study back in 2002, the results of which were incorrectly reported in the media as finding that Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) was bad for you and caused cancer. According to accurate analysis of this study and more recent scientific evidence, this has now been debunked and should never had been reported in this way in the first place.

Unfortunately this report will have a lifelong effect and it is going to take generations to change people’s views on HRT. This, to me, is a tragedy. We need to work hard to help people understand the fact that HRT will help the majority of women to live a healthier life.

‘Fewer women will feel the need to leave their jobs’

Improving our understanding of the menopause will not just have a hugely positive impact on women, but on our families and on society as a whole. It will vastly improve healthcare budgets as so many mid-life health conditions can be prevented by both HRT and lifestyle factors associated with effective menopause management.

Women wouldn’t have to spend time and NHS resources having other illnesses investigated. The continued lack of knowledge amongst health professionals around the menopause means it is not often seen as the reason for a myriad of symptoms or health conditions. But beyond healthcare, there are economic gains to be had. With accurate and easily accessible information and management regarding the menopause, fewer women will feel the need to leave their jobs (as many currently do) because they cannot find the right resources to manage their symptoms alongside their work.

‘Every organ and system in a woman’s body has oestrogen receptors’

But why does the menopause have such a profound effect on us? I recently spoke to menopause Pilates expert, Dinah Siman about this. “Every organ and system in a woman’s body has oestrogen receptors, which means that they can all be affected during the menopause transition.

As this governing hormone fluctuates and depletes, women can start to experience symptoms. This phase is called the ‘Perimenopause’ and can last anything from a few months to 10 years, with symptoms that can cause mild to severe issues for women.

When I asked her more about what these symptoms might be, she easily listed nearly 50, ranging from the more well known, such as hot flushes, loss of libido (these are often the only two people can list), brain fog and anxiety to loss of muscle strength, reducing bone density (which is why women are more likely to develop osteoporosis later in life), a change in cardio vascular health including blood pressure issues, skin and hair problems including hair loss, digestive issues such as IBS and constipation and an impacted immune system. The list really does go on and on.

‘Reframing menopause as a neurological event’

As Dinah says, “No single menopause transition is the same, we are all unique. Some people experience mild symptoms and manage this re-wiring of the brain with apparent ease and others do not, continuing to have symptoms well into their 70s and 80s”. She recommends tracking symptoms by using a symptom checker such as this the one available at menopausesupport.co.uk.

And she is not the only one who talks about the changes in the brain when considering the menopause. Dr Mosconi is a Neuroscientist and women’s brain health specialist, who, in her book ‘The Menopause Brain’ ‘presents 15 years of research reframing menopause as a neurological event, impacting the brain just as much as the ovaries’. And if the brain is so fundamentally affected, then it is all the more important we start to get menopause management right.

Annys Fairweather. annysfairweather@gmail.com

How to take an integrated and informed view of menopause management:

1. Debunk the HRT myths – here are just three

You can’t take HRT if you have a family history of cancer. This is a common piece of misinformation but is simply not the case. The majority of woman can consider HRT on an individualised basis.

Women don’t need Testosterone.

Testosterone is the most abundant biologically active hormone in women and yet people don’t think of it is a female hormone. Testosterone can in fact hugely improve women’s menopausal symptoms.

You can only take HRT for a short amount of time. The belief is that you must stop taking HRT after a short period of time as it is bad for you. You can, in fact, take HRT for the rest of your life and for as long as the benefits out way the risks. Ultimately, if you’re taking body identical HRT, it is exactly the same as what your body would have naturally been producing anyway.

2. Get your nutrition on track

Emma Ellice-Flint Nutritionist

Nutrition can be so helpful in perimenopause and post menopause. This stage of life is pro-inflammatory because oestrogen levels drop, and since oestrogen has anti-inflammatory effects on the whole body, this decline affects mind, mood, gut, joints and skin health. Eating an anti-inflammatory Mediterranean style diet can most definitely help to reduce the symptoms.

Changes to your diet are best done slowly so gut bloating and overwhelm are avoided. The best small changes to start with, one at a time, are to daily:

• Increase vegetables, especially green leafy vegetables.

• Add 30g of nuts and/or seeds.

• Include some legumes in a meal (start with just 1 tablespoon cooked lentils then gradually work up to a handful in a meal).

• Include one phytoestrogen rich food eg handful firm tofu, or 1 tablespoon chia or ground flax seeds.

www.emmasnutrition.com @emmas_nutrition

3. Exercise the right way

Dinah Siman: Menopause Pilates expert

Exercise is a critical component of managing menopause symptoms and being healthy during this phase of life. Scientific research shows that building strength and power with heavy weights and short bursts of intense cardio are central to achieving this. For a truly holistic approach, Pilates is a great addition to this.

Moving is key during the perimenopause, menopause and beyond, exercise in itself is anti-inflammatory, and Pilates serves this very well by focusing on:

Strength - for muscles and bones.

Mobility - for all connective tissue and joints.

Breathing - for relaxation, restorative time, wellbeing and a functioning core system right to the cellular level.

Pelvic floor awareness

Low impact cardio - for heart health and bones and muscles. Co-ordination, balance and focus.

Having fun – for finding a movement practice you enjoy and a sense of community - both crucial at this time.

www.menopausepilates.com @menopausepilates

SK RECOMMENDS... SUMMER HOTSPOTS

The Prae Wood Arms in St Albans. It’s a great pub on an old estate with loads of history. It has a massive garden and they put on loads of events (like hog roasts) throughout the year. Or for something in London, go for the Skylight Rooftop at Tobacco Dock.

Michael Whitstable. Known primarily for its fresh oysters but if that’s not your thing there are plenty of places along the seafront to get fresh seafood and of course good old-fashioned fish and chips. If you are there early enough you can watch the fisherman bringing in their catches of the day to the harbour. The kids love crabbing and can spend hours catching crabs, shrimps and tiny fish off of the many jetties. The beach is dog friendly all year round.

Bethany

RHS Chelsea Flower Show. We have been fortunate to attend the opening of this show for the last two years and for me it marks the start of Summer. Antoinette adores flowers and plants so it’s good to spend time with her doing something that she truly loves.

Kunle

A summer highlight for me has to be the Scottish borders. We hired bicycles one day and cycled from Berwick-Upon-Tweed to Lindisfarne (Holy Island) and back.

Richard

Why not take in the views from the London Observatory, Greenwich - you don’t have to buy a ticket - you can take in the view from outside. Then take a walk down to Greenwich market and the Cutty Sark.

Tracey

My summer hotspot would be Sheringham in Norfolk where I spend a lot of time and would recommend for coastal walks and good food; it’s very invigorating! And there’s a lovely heritage railway, the Poppy Line.

Lesley

I would recommend a day walking, cycling or riding in the South Downs National Park. Stunning views and plenty of pubs to stop at – my go to is the Eight Bells in Jevington.

Emma

For me it has to be a stroll on Polzeath beach in Cornwall. As the sun begins its descent, the sky begins to change, casting a warm glow over the sand. The rhythmic sound of waves lapping against the shore accompanies each step, creating a serene atmosphere. Seabirds glide gracefully overhead, adding to the coastal ambiance. As you stroll along the shoreline, the salty breeze washes your face, carrying with it the scent of the sea.

David

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One great conversation can shift the direction of change forever.

LINDA LAMBERT

The value of your investments (and any income from them) can go down as well as up and you may not get back the full amount you invested. Past performance is not a reliable indicator of future performance. Investments should be considered over the longer term and should fit in with your overall attitude to risk and financial circumstances.

Your home is at risk if you do not keep up repayments on a mortgage or other loan secured on it.

This document is distributed for information purposes and should not be considered investment or other advice or an offer of any product/security for sale. This document contains the opinions of the authors but not necessarily the firm and does not represent a recommendation of any particular security, strategy or product. Information contained herein has been obtained from sources believed to be reliable, but is not guaranteed.