What Defines a Man
Christopher Merritt
The ConTextos Authors Circle was developed in collaboration with young people at-risk of, victims of, or perpetrators of violence in El Salvador. In 2017 this innovative program expanded into Chicago to create tangible, high quality opportunities that nourish the minds, expand the voices and share the personal truths of individuals who have long been underserved and underestimated. Through the process of drafting, revising and publishing memoirs, participants develop self-reflection, critical thinking, camaraderie and positive self-projection to author new life narratives.
Since January 2017 ConTextos has partnered with Cook County Sheriff's Office to implement Authors Circle in Cook County Department of Corrections as part of a vision for reform that recognizes the value of mental health, rehabilitation and reflection. These powerful memoirs complicate the narratives of violence and peace building, and help author a hopeful future for human beings behind walls, their families and our collective communities.
While each author’s text is solely the work of the Author, the image used to create this book’s illustrations have been sourced by various print publications. Authors curate these images and then, using only their hands, manipulate the images through tearing, folding, layering and careful positioning. By applying these collage techniques, Authors transform their written memoirs into illustrated books.
This project is being supported, in whole or in part, by federal award number ALN 21.027 awarded to Cook County by the U.S. Department of the Treasury.
What Defines A Man
Christopher Merritt
While incarcerated, I was asked the question, What defines a man? Webster's definition is an adult male. However, to correctly analyze the question, you must first understand the philosophy of that man. What values does he hold dear? You must know the trauma in which he endured as both a man and a child.
You must know the way in which a man was raised to understand the integrity of his character.
Often times, we as people, tend to see the negative aspects of one ' s characteristics and judge them based on the mistakes they’ve made. In no way am I advocating that these situations allow a man to do as he pleases.
I’m simply stating that these simple suggestions will help you to truly perceive him as who he is. A MAN!
A man holds himself accountable for his actions, right or wrong. From every misfortune he’s encountered in life, not only has he overcome his adversities, but a sense of growth and development has been acquired without understanding the narrative of why he is the way he is.
You’ll never be able to correctly define him as what he is. Although one may say Webster stated the definition in the opening passage. I can assure you that knowing the scientific understanding of what a man is, is not the same as defining a man.
A man is more than just an adult male. A man is a father, brother, son. He’s also a protector provider. To some, he can be seen as an inspirational beacon of enlightenment. In contrast, others may view him as detrimental and a menace to society.
Speaking of society, imagine for a second it's a hot summer day. Two brothers walking from the nearby supermarket. One brother had a few minor run-ins with law enforcement. Never has he served prison time, just small infractions.
The other brother had never been to jail, never so much as a parking ticket.
Both are new parents, and the older brother's child is just shy of two years old. The younger brother’s child is a newborn of no more than five months. As they’re walking out of nowhere, a car pulls up and cuts off the path they’re walking.
Two masked men jump out, attempting to rob the brothers.
A struggle begins between the older brother and one of the robbers. The other robber pulls a handgun and starts shooting.
Just as quickly as they approach, they flee the scene. Now both brothers lay nearly on top of each other, in a pool of each other's blood.
The older brother is shot a total of six times. The younger brother is shot a total of eight times. The older brother survives but watches his younger brother take his last breath.
As they lay there waiting for help to arrive, for what may have only been an hour seemed like forever. The first to arrive were the police. Instead of rendering aid, their first words spoken are “that's what the fuck they get, two less gangbangers”.
In the beginning, I mentioned how we often judge based on negative aspects. Is that man a menace to society or has society become a menace to him? Reason such as this is why it's important to know the traumas he’s endured.
It’s these situations that shape a man into who he becomes. From this one incident alone multiple psychological and physical disorders are developed, which also play a part in defining a man. This experience alone will forever alter his perception of reality.
Over time, it would seem that one would get better with time. However, time only teaches you how to cope with these traumas. The misfortunes are not always a bad thing, lots of people have gone on to do great things despite once being a victim.
Do you know what serendipity means? The dictionary defines serendipity as “the occurrence and development of events by chance in a happy or beneficial way ” . Although enduring these tragedies is not in the least bit happy. The benefits gained are exceptional to the preservation of self. From these traumas, you spend a lot of time self-reflecting. In time,time you learn to value yourself. You understand your purpose in life.
This incident alone not only caused many physical stars, but meant emotional scars as well. I used to look at my scars in the mirror and hate the sight of them. They reminded me of so much that was lost that night. I started to hate myself, I was depressed. It put me in a really dark space. I was searching for answers to questions that would never be answered. I literally wanted to die, I just could never bring myself to harm myself.
Emotionally, I was wrecked. I would always poke my chest out as if I wasn't affected. yeah inside I was crying and lost. I ruined multiple relationships over the years. I didn't know how to love myself at the time. so everybody I loved, I destroyed. I began to use and abuse drugs hard. Every day I was high on some sort of drug to mask the pain.
The heavy drug usage ultimately led to various jail bits which led to prison. It was the time in jail that not only gave me time to clear my body but my mind is well. It gave me a chance to be one on one with myself. When you ' re alone in a Cell your mind tends to remind you of all of the wrongs you did over the years.
I was so busy running from one thing I could never really escape. myself! I began to develop an understanding of who I am, and what I meant to me. I realized I was hiding from my own truth. I was searching for answers that only I could answer. I was lost and looking for a savior but wasn't willing to save myself. I began to think of how people can quote religious books front to back. They know all about Jesus, Allah, Buddha Etc. But they didn't know themselves. I believe the moment I found myself and overstood who I am. That was the moment I found the God within me. That I ultimately found the god I was looking for. I'm not saying that I'm the creator, but I am the creator, so that does make me a creator.
Although I'm incarcerated, I'm at peace with myself. My mind is clear, my body is free of toxins. Now at the age of 33 I understand that my actions affect more than just me. And the time I've been incarcerated I completed multiple programs. I tutor the younger detainees on the deck. I now seek to build more than I destroyed.
The purpose of me writing this is to inspire the youth, my peers, the community and all of those going through hard times. It often seems as if it may be the end. however as one chapter ends and one begins. The possibilities are endless no matter your situation, your ethnicity, whether you had a father or not. The choice is yours.
Life is what you make it.
Christopher Merrit
I Am From
I am from Wentworth Gardens / MurdaTown
From green screen doors and white roof tops
I am from 38th & Princeton 38th & wells watching people hit the trucks
I am from pit bulls and snakes
And barking dogs and hissing snakes
I’m from call me IckDawg and do it 4 Doeboi
From WhiteSox little league
And from my hood over yours
I’m from you can do anything you can put your mind to
And from use your head for more than a hat rack
I’m from energy never dies it’s only transferred
I’m from all my siblings and cousins at granny crib
From icee cups and penny candy
From Gthang, Birdman 40 Doc
I am from were we all family but we still separate
Until the lion learns to write their own story, tales of the hunt will always glorify the hunter - African Proverb
