The Day It All Change
by James Robinson
The ConTextos Authors Circle was developed in collaboration with young people at-risk of, victims of, or perpetrators of violence in El Salvador. In 2017 this innovative program expanded into Chicago to create tangible, high quality opportunities that nourish the minds, expand the voices and share the personal truths of individuals who have long been underserved and underestimated. Through the process of drafting, revising and publishing memoirs, participants develop self-reflection, critical thinking, camaraderie and positive self-projection to author new life narratives.
Since January 2017 ConTextos has partnered with Cook County Sheriff's Office to implement Authors Circle in Cook County Department of Corrections as part of a vision for reform that recognizes the value of mental health, rehabilitation and reflection. These powerful memoirs complicate the narratives of violence and peace building, and help author a hopeful future for human beings behind walls, their families and our collective communities.
While each author’s text is solely the work of the Author, the image used to create this book’s illustrations have been sourced by various print publications. Authors curate these images and then, using only their hands, manipulate the images through tearing, folding, layering and careful positioning. By applying these collage techniques, Authors transform their written memoirs into illustrated books.
This project is being supported, in whole or in part, by federal award number ALN 21.027 awarded to Cook County by the U.S. Department of the Treasury.
The Day It All Change
James Robinson
Hot liquid poured, while lights flashed. My head felt heavy as cement cedar blocks. Everything began to blur.
A day I’ll never forget, April 21, 2007 the day it all changed I had got shot in the Face.
Everything happened so fast. Everything seemed to stop, like time was frozen.
How did this happen? Fuck that, why did this happen? I was a kid, 12 years old. How could this happen to me?
Sirens, red and blue lights, people everywhere, panic and pandemonium. Ever heard of calm before the storm?
Well this is the perfect case. It was peaceful and calm. Then all of a sudden all hell broke loose, multiple people hit, most importantly a kid was shot in the face.
Screams “They shot my baby. He shot in the face”. My mother was going crazy. She just couldn’t understand it.
How was she supposed to understand it? It was her baby, her only son.
Everything and everybody seemed to go in slow motion as I’ve internalized myself. It felt like an out of body experience.
As if I stepped out of myself and was looking at me as I sat on the street curb bleeding profusely.
My ears were ringing, people was talking but I couldn't hear anything like I was deaf.
Son…. son, you are alright Are you hit anywhere else stated the older white fire fighter guy. I looked at him confused. For some strange reason I couldn’t talk.
I was still as he cut my shirt off my body, looking over my body for more gunshot wounds. I’ve never been here before, and I didn't know what to do, what to say. I was perplexed. Too much going on, too many people moving at once.
In the back of the ambulance, my Mother kept me calm. Well, tried too. I hated needles, and I had a long IV needle in my arm. Once at the hospital, I went into the trauma unit right into surgery. When I woke up, I couldn’t talk. My mouth busted, and my face was swollen as a pizza puff.
As I got up to use the bathroom, looking in the mirror, I went from shocked to angry. I was upset and mad, anger took over my mind, and all the strength in my 12-year-old body wanted to make whoever was responsible feel what I felt.
My face was super swollen with two holes in it. I looked botched. I hated it because I actually thought I was ugly, and I believed all the jokes. Getting shot made me an angry kid. I always fought and always stayed in trouble. I went from a very respectful kid with great manners to a bad kid because something bad happened to me. I lost a lot of my self-confidence and gained some of it back through bad behaviors.
One day, about two months after I got shot, I got suspended from school. My mother was pissed, because not only was I in constant trouble, but I also made Her miss a day of work. She saw the change in my behavior. I guess she just didn’t say nothing for whatever reason till now.
“Son, you can’t let one situation dictate how you choose to react for the rest of your life,” my mother said. Honestly, I was confused and still mad that I got suspended.
“I don’t know what you ’ re talking about ma, ” I said.
“Don’t play with me boy", she shouted. “Ever since the incident, you ’ ve been mean, distant and getting into all types of trouble”. This the first time since getting shot someone outside myself spoke the words I was feeling.
If I was being honest, I felt relieved. Someone saw it and knew that the kid I was becoming wasn’t me.“It’s a lot of things that happen that are outside of our control, that we can’t change.
That doesn't mean you let those things change you ” she said. “Now I was gone tear yo ass up for making me miss work but you better not turn on that game or go out this house” she said authoritatively.
I’m not gonna lie, the 12 year old me was salty. Damn I can’t play the game or go outside. On top of that I got suspended for beating the boy up who started with me I didn’t even start the fight.
Now that I’m older, I understand the life lessons she was trying to teach. No matter what situation life puts you in, whether you the cause or not, whether good or worse, the only thing you have full control over is your actions moving forward. I will forever be the owner of my destiny. No one ' s actions can or will make me do what I don't wanna do.
Even though I went through a terrible traumatic experience and have PTSD still to this day from it. We go through things, and those experiences change us or mould us into something we never wanted to be. Its very easy to get sucked into being a product of your environment, especially when you go through a life-altering event.
After getting shot, I lost my Father and my favorite uncle to the federal justice system; on top of that, we were displaced for financial reasons. I was sent to live with my granny and my sisters while my OG figured it out. I've been through all the struggles.
Lack of a father figure, displaced with no stability, seeing uncles and aunts on drugs and having to grow up entirely too fast to survive. All these things moulded me into the man I am. The good, the bad and the great. As a 12-year-old kid, I didn't understand it, but now a grown man, I digest every word my mother said when she stated, “You’re the controller of your own destiny”.
No matter the situation, circumstance or predicament I’m put in, I choose how to move forward is truly up to me. Don't let a situation or a circumstance, or an unfortunate event, become the driving factors of the decisions you make throughout your life. I'm grateful for my mother and grandmothers who raised a black king on their own. I'm totally appreciative of all the unconditional love and support they give me. Through some of the most trying times, they are always by my side.
I Am From
I am from the concrete jungle
James Robinson
From the trenches home of the wolves
I am from Gunshots, BBQ’s, Icy cups and chips with cheese and meat
I am from hot sunny days
From hooping on milk crates in the alley
I’m from Toya and Moe El
From learning Mama’s recipes in Toya’s Kitchens
I’m from Pot roast, baked mac and cheese with sweet potatoes
I’m from a hard head make a soft ass
And from give everybody respect until your respect is no longer desrved
I’m from family over everything nothing bigger than the blood
I’m from Englewood The red zone
I’m from shooting dice house party and talking shit
I’m from from where my environment turnt a boy to a man
It was sink or drown so I learned how to swim
Until the lion learns to write their own story, tales of the hunt will always glorify the hunter - African Proverb
