My Home on My Own by Arturo Marquez

Arturo Marquez

The ConTextos Authors Circle was developed in collaboration with young people at-risk of, victims of, or perpetrators of violence in El Salvador. In 2017 this innovative program expanded into Chicago to create tangible, high quality opportunities that nourish the minds, expand the voices and share the personal truths of individuals who have long been underserved and underestimated. Through the process of drafting, revising and publishing memoirs, participants develop self-reflection, critical thinking, camaraderie and positive self-projection to author new life narratives.

Since January 2017 ConTextos has partnered with Cook County Sheriff's Office to implement Authors Circle in Cook County Department of Corrections as part of a vision for reform that recognizes the value of mental health, rehabilitation and reflection. These powerful memoirs complicate the narratives of violence and peace building, and help author a hopeful future for human beings behind walls, their families and our collective communities.

While each author’s text is solely the work of the Author, the image used to create this book’s illustrations have been sourced by various print publications. Authors curate these images and then, using only their hands, manipulate the images through tearing, folding, layering and careful positioning. By applying these collage techniques, Authors transform their written memoirs into illustrated books.

This project is being supported, in whole or in part, by federal award number ALN 21.027 awarded to Cook County by the U.S. Department of the Treasury.

I Got a Story to Tell Arturo Marquez

Body

I got a story to tell, but if I tell you will you listen or would it go from one ear to the other like if I haven’t spoken? I hate telling stories. I’m not good with detail, but I got a lot of stories of my life that brought lessons and that made me become the man that I am today. I'm not perfect, I got some screws in my head that are missing, but don't we all.

I was a little boy who had a lot of love to give, but found out no one gives you the same love back and the few that do, cherish them because they are hard to find and are rare. A needle in a haystack in this world where everyone is out for themselves, so if you got that someone that loves you back don't let them go. Life is too short.

One minute they are here, and the next they are gone.

Like every urban novel, just kidding, this ain’t that kind of story. But for real like most of the kids that come from Chicago grew up in the hood. Mine was in Little Village where it was dangerous but fun. It always stayed busy. It was best known for its gangs that live throughout the neighborhood.

As kids, we had a lot to do. We played cops and robbers, freeze tag, and played marbles with little soldiers, if you know, you know, to making ramps with plywood and bricks to see who can jump the bikes the highest to being watch dogs for the Kings who ran the block to let them know when the opps or the cops were coming on the block.

I looked up to the Kings who ran the neighborhood. They had it on lock.

I learned a lot from them. How to move and to always be on point.

I started hanging in the streets at a very young age hanging with the peewees, enjoying the block parties all over the neighborhood. It was fun listening to the DJ playing music. Everyone from the neighborhood coming together and cooking in the front yard on their porch drinking, smoking, eating, dancing and enjoying the scene.

Having fun. But still on point because death was always lurking.

At first it was fun and games. We were kids enjoying what the world had to offer us.

We were young and innocent being kids but life is like a roller coaster. It has its twists and turns of events that corrupts us and brings out our sinful nature.

I wanted to be like the cool kids from my block, well what I thought was cool. I started hanging with them, posting on the Block, drinking, smoking, and representing, trying to earn their trust. I felt alone and wanted to fit in by any means necessary, so much that I lost who I was on the inside.

My dad always told me that it's a cold world. Boy was he right. A cold world where everyone needs you until they don't. Only the strong survive in a world where everyone is playing for Keeps, where there are no rules, everything goes as long as you come out on top. You had to be careful of who you trusted, you never know if that person was a wolf behind sheep's clothing.

Growing up my dad was hard on me. He used to whip my ass all the time. I know I was a handful, sometimes I deserved it but not all the time. I felt like he used to take all his anger out on me. It got to the point where I couldn't feel pain no more, I was numb to the pain. He would call me names like a bad son, a good for nothing, a dumbass and a lot more. It took a toll on me. I hated him for that, I used to believe him and became a monster that he created.

Everybody knows what a monster does, everybody judges the monster, but no one questions its creator. I felt alone, don't get me wrong, I got a sister and a brother and yet I felt alone. Abandon, a man with nothing to lose will view everything as something to take and a child that isn't embraced by his village will burn the village down and he will stare as everything that did not love him back contorts and cracks and he will ease his way into the fire until he finally feels some warmth.

I was a troubled kid with hate in my heart but no one cared and the one that did try to help only by their own way, but when they seen that I got worse they abandoned ship. Only if they knew that I was lost, trying to find who I was. A boy with a lot of questions, but no answers. I didn't care no more, I've been hurt and betrayed. I told myself, “no more.” I was going to do the hurting. I was shattered on the inside. A puzzle broken into pieces lost of the image I once was.

I got kicked out of school in my second week of sophomore year for fighting. They put me in night school, and eventually they kicked me out. They didn't know how to deal with me, instead of trying to help me. I know my counselor knew I was a troubled teen, but instead of trying to get me into therapy maybe that's what I needed.

Someone to talk to about my problems instead of giving up on me.

I was lost in the streets, hanging with the bad crowd, trying to fit in. Taking drugs to fill the emptiness I felt inside. I created chaos everywhere I went, I wanted to be known in my neighborhood. I wanted to be feared. Fuck love, love gets you killed in the streets. You got to turn your heart cold.

Insanity is trying the same thing over and over again expecting a different result.

As I got older I realized that I have to change. If I kept going down that road, I was looking at two options: death or jail like many of my friends unfortunately who had their lives robbed from them due to gang violence or being at the wrong place at the wrong time. I had to get away before I suffered the same fate, but I felt trapped in a pit. I was under and slowly going under more.

God came knocking at my front door when I landed in Stateville, NRC in Joliet Illinois for the second time for residential burglary facing six years at 50. I was in a dark place with a lot of anger inside my cell. I heard a voice saying forgiveness is the key to freedom, to repent is the key for salvation. I was fighting a lot of demons inside my head. One of them was my anger and hate I felt towards my dad. It was eating inside of me, my fuel to my rage. I learned to forgive him, when I did I feel free of the chains it had on me. At the time I didn't know why my dad treated me like that. Maybe that is his way of expressing love or wanting to make me tough to survive in this world. I found out later from my aunties, that's how his father treated him, but worse. Maybe he didn't know how to show his love, he too was fighting his own battle.

When I got released from Pinckneyville Correctional Center after 3 years in prison I knew I had to change for the better. I got a job cutting trees, I was doing good work staying out of the way. I got my two blessings, my two daughters were born. My first on 7/27/17 and the other on 10/29/19. I wish I could tell you that I lived happily ever after, but this is not a fairy tale, it's life.

The devil always finds a way to drag you back in the streets, nobody is perfect, we make mistakes. We do wrong things, we fall, we get up, we learn, we grow, we move on, and we live. Give, but don't allow yourself to be used, love but don't allow your heart to be abused. Trust, but don't be naive; listen, but don't lose your voice.

Unfortunately, I'm back in Cook County which is a billion dollar corporation. which create animals and monsters, which we are being labeled, being told when we can go to sleep, when we can eat, the small cages that we are forced to share with another so-called animal. Where we are treated as guilty until proven guilty. Mistreated, disrespected, violated, and institutionalized is just some of the things we go through being in this correctional facility. My family doesn't know what happens behind these gates and walls, all they know is that I am away from them for the decisions I made.

I might be locked up physically, but my mind and spirit are free as a bird.

Life is giving me ups and downs; no matter what card I've been dealt I play it to the fullest. I've been knocked down so many times but I'll always get back up and fight. As long as you feel pain, you're still alive. As long as you're making mistakes, you're still human. And as long as you keep trying, there's still hope. Life is not being rich, being popular, being perfect, it's about being real, humble, and being kind.

Always remember when you fall into the rabbit hole, always look up.

Where there is a will there is a way to search and discover a better day.

Where a positive heart is, all you need to rise beyond and succeed.

Arturo Marquez I am from Harvey and Little Village From the hundreds and Little Mexico I am from block parties and Death Around the Corner I am from the elote lady on the Block To cooking carne asada and drinking Coronas on the front yard I am from fun and the day and night and deadly at any moment From stolen cars to using them as bumper cars I am from where wolves wear sheep clothes To boxing tournaments in the park I am from where if there's a will there's a way I am from never giving up hope

Until the lion learns to write their own story, tales of the hunt will always glorify the hunter - African Proverb Copyright

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