I think myself into the mind of my cat. . .
I am a cat and that’s that.
I start the day in my usual way: asleep. Deep deep deep sleep sleep sleep.
Until I feel a rumble and I start to grumble because it feels like there’s a hole inside me.
In my mind, I start to see my bowl and I’m panicking a-plenty. I’m in a panic it’s empty.
What?! Can that be?
And now for goodness’ sake I’m awake-wake-awake!
Hungry and angry.
What people say is called ‘hangry’.
But see me!
I’m not going to let on that I’m furious. I’m just going to make out that I’m curious. I look at the person who brings me my food. And the last thing I want is to put him in a mood.
Look at him lying in bed. All I can see is the top of his head.
Aha, wait a minute!
His hand is peeping out. Now look at me,
I’m not going to shout
I’ve got this planned: I’ll creep up on that hand
tip-toe
tip-toe very-very slow-slow and when I’m close I touch the hand with my nose. I bet he wasn’t ready for my nose to be wet.
Aha! That worked!
He didn’t know I lurked close by now he’s wondering where and why or who or what picked on him and licked him.
But I don’t wait I leap on to the bed and next thing I do is head-butt his head.
‘OW!!!
What NOW!!!’ he shouts. And I open my eyes wide wide wide and purr and brush his hand with my fur
as if to say no need to be cross I know you’re the boss but isn’t there something you should do for you-know-who?
He knows what I mean. You see, he’s seen all this before. Next thing his feet are out of the bed and on to the floor. And stamp stamp stamp he goes, and says it’s cold but truth be told it’s not cold for me you see
because I know you know I’ve got my fur purr-purr-purr.
I dance ahead skip-skip-skip ‘You’ve made me trip!’ he shouts. Not long now. Not long now. He goes to the cupboard and there’s the can with a picture of a cat (which is good because I’m not a man) and he forks the food into my bowl just for me. It’s good to see that he agrees
the most important thing in the whole universe is that there’s nothing worse for me. . . no one worse you could meet. . . than me with nothing to eat.
And the world disappears. All he can see is my ears as I bury my face in the place where there’s my food.
This is all that’s right. What a delight. This is all my wishes. So delicious. I can’t stop crunching I can’t stop munching Slosh slosh slurp slosh slosh burp
Tingle tongue tingle
Tongue tingle tingle till it’s all gone. Nothing left. Not one little bitty. And that’s a pity.
I’ve eaten the lot. What was a lot now is not. Not one jot.
So stretch I stre-e-e-e-e-e-e-etch
And I yawn open my mouth wide, wide, wide. If you looked you could see inside! And now I’m ready to head for a chair
pleased to see that my cushion is there.
That’s good.
That’s what I need. First he gave me my feed then they know what’s best: I get my rest. On the chair. That’s only fair.
And that’s it, for a while. I settle down with a smile and go to sleep deep-deep-deep. 2. Outside
I’m a hunter
I’m an explorer
I’m a nosey parker in every corner.
Cat-a-tat-tat
Tat-a-cat-cat
I’m over here
I’m over there
I’m flat on the ground
I’m in mid-air
Cat-a-tat-tat
Tat-a-cat-cat
I sniff I scratch
I chase I catch
Cat-a-tat-tat
Tat-a-cat-cat
I find a leaf. I make it scared. A squirrel runs away because I glare.
Cat-a-tat-tat
Tat-a-cat-cat
I lie in the grass and watch flies
They can’t see me I’m in disguise
Cat-a-tat-tat
Tat-a-cat-cat
Time for a clean Lick lick lick
my furry fur thick thick thick
Cat-a-tat-tat
Tat-a-cat-cat
What’s that in the air?
Looks like rain.
Scamper to the window
Back indoors again.
Cat-a-tat-tat
Tat-a-cat-cat
3.
He’s typing. I’m wiping my whiskers on the keys of his computer.
He’s not pleased I’ve teased him wiping my whiskers on his computer keys.
He’s trying to type an email. It’ll fail. As his fingers
tap, my tail lingers across the keyboard. I won’t be ignored.
Then it gets better. I take my chance, and do a dance on every letter.
I hop I skip I step I slip
Letters leap up on the screen Gggg b&&&%lko zeeeeen
gonnnn f5893 **** wofffff
$$$$21212 vofffffffff
He gets in a rage. I’ve ruined his page. But I stay tapping in lower case while I look him straight in the face. Will he push me away
as if to say I’ve spoiled his work?
Or will he see me smirk?
And though I’ve created a terrible muddle I know he’ll forgive me and give me a cuddle.
Yes. He may think I’m fickle but in the end I always get a tickle.
4. I find a bag made out of plastic. Fantastic!
A plastic bag.
A fantastic bag, a plastic bag. It looks like a little blue rag but I’m no fool I’m a cat. I’m cool.
I’m a cat on the attack.
I’m lion
I’m tiger
I’m leopard
I’m cheetah.
I crouch at the ready in case the bag tries to escape.
Every muscle tense (you know, I’m in great shape. . .)
My eyes fix in case the bag is going to play tricks.
But no it’s still. Quite quite still. I’m going to come in for the kill.
One last cold stare. Then I leap through the air.
I’m lion
I’m tiger
I’m leopard
I’m cheetah.
I land just as I planned hard on the ground pinning the bag down.
Now I’m fierce
I’m furious
I’m fiery
I’m ferocious.
No bag has ever felt such power.
I scratch, I bite, I claw, I chew, for nearly an hour. Then when the bag can take no more
I ease up. I stop.
Glance at that bag made out of plastic. I’ve been – quite simply – yes – fantastic. Then I walk away.
Another great battle
Over for today.
5.
He’s watching TV. Can’t he see there’s something much more important he should be doing? I jump on his lap but – what’s this?
He’s doing that thing of shooing me away.
Hey man, I’m not here to play.
Doesn’t he get it
that I want food?
I don’t want to be rude but I want food and I want it now so I start to meow:
It’s a long loud eerie moan that slowly turns into a groan.
He’s still watching TV. He really can’t see that I’m so hungry I could eat a tree.
I know what I’ll do. This always works the best: I jump up and down and then head-butt his chest.
Oh, he says, I get it.
You don’t want to play. You’re hungry.
Why didn’t you say?
He heads for the kitchen. You know how this goes: he opens the cupboard. The food is in rows.
Rows of food in packets and cans. He bends down. I watch his hands. He grabs a can he grabs the ring-pull forks out the food till my bowl is full.
Did I say ‘my bowl is full’? What I mean is ‘my life is full’!
Inside I’m singing my ears are ringing this food is bringing me joy of joys.
If you came near me you would say, ‘Dear me!’ as you would hear me making my cat-noise.
It’s a breathy, purry growly, sloshy, smiley, prowly noise.
A slinky, whiskery, bubbly, gargling, chuckling, cuddly noise.
6. Then that’s it.
I’m a cat.
And that’s that.
You know what comes next? It’s easy to guess.
Can you think what it is? No? Yes?
Off I creep and fall asleep.
I’m a cat.
And that’s that.