No Kidding!

Over 100 childfree women from across India participated in this project by sharing their lived experiences and opinions.

The aim of this project is to initiate and amplify an open discussion about women’s choice to remain childfree. The project is pro-choice ideologically and not anti-natalist in essence. It does not pit one group of women against the other but instead aims to bridge that gap.

These different stories & perspectives of childfree women hope to help dispel misconceptions and stereotyping and instill a feeling of community amongst women who’ve chosen to be childfree.

Supported by the British Council’s Creating Heroines Grant

Issue 1 published in 2023

by Shikha Nambiar, a multidisciplinary artist currently based in Pune, India.

All Rights Reserved

No part of this publication may be used or reproduced, in any matter whatsoever without the permission of the author.

This zine is for all of us who are bound together by this one thread of being childfree.

It is also for everyone who is open to understanding why someone would make this choice.

What

“Wanting a child and having a child would have meant compromising on the choice of partner & doing work for the sake of money & the security that I would need to provide for the child. I would have to compromise all aspects of my life for it. Having a child is the easy part but raising a child is a huge responsibility and requires a lot of commitment & that would take away the energy that is needed for other things that bring me joy and fulfillment. It would leave me fragmented. I am also an independent person & do not need to have children so that I will be looked after in my old age, an attitude that reduces mother-child relationships into a conditional transaction.”

Anuradha, Bangalore

“I did not see the reason why I had to have a child. When I asked others, they said that having a child makes them better (selfish reason to have a child I thought), a child will take care of them when they become old (selfish again), a child is needed to propagate our intellect, genes, name etc (not required I thought) and many more. In short, I did not find the apt reason on why I should have a child. The only reason that interested me was to contribute a well meaning individual to the society, but that does not require an ‘own’ biological child.”

Lakshmi, Bangalore

“Freedom - physical, emotional, psychological, and financial. It is the 21st Century, but raising a child is still invariably, predominantly, and largely a woman’s responsibility. Also, given the continuing struggles of girls and women, and the environmental disaster we’ve brought upon ourselves, it simply does not make sense to me bring a new life to our planet.”

W. Sreelalitha, Coimbatore

“Unless you can give your body, mind and soul to nurture another human being, you must not be a parent. I don’t feel able to give so much and hence I do not want to be a parent.”

“Numerous reasons:

1) Was already a third parent to my baby sister who was 8 years younger; and to two of my baby cousins that I helped take care of in my teens.

2) Not very optimistic about the state of our planet, so didn’t want to bring in a new life.

3) Wanted to pursue a career in wildlife biology, which would entail requiring external childcare for long periods of time.”

Jai, Mumbai

“I do not think raising children is for everyone. If the idea of being a mother does not fill one with extreme joy, one should not do it. I love the freedom my life grants me and all that I have done to be here, and I don’t feel I am missing anything. So, I wonder why do something we are not absolutely joyous about. The thought of raising a human doesn’t fill me with any sense of joy.”

Yashnashree, Mumbai

Sravanthi, Bangalore

“I have many reasons but if I had to list them out in no particular order, they’d be:

1. Not affordable

2. Very high-demand, high-risk job that is extremely thankless

3. Do not want to make choices that can only compromise my health, physically and mentally

4. Dealing with a lot of unresolved childhood trauma and absolutely do not want to project that onto an innocent child

5. Do we need any more humans on this planet?

6. Absolutely won’t be able to quit that role until the child is a full-blown independent adult and that’s the kind of commitment that should scare any intelligent human being senseless.”

Reema, Mumbai

“The state of the world primarily and the financial and emotional drain that comes with it. Not wanting to pass on genetic problems also plays a big role.”

Nidhi, Bangalore

“I don’t feel the urge/need to give birth. I am quite maternal by nature but it would be a waste to spend that energy on one or two children instead of loving as many children as possible. Currently, I pay for two children’s education. I know from life’s experiences that you do not have to give birth to be a mother and you do not have to be family to love one another.”

Aditi, Darbhanga

“Sometimes, but it only lasts for a few minutes but I know for sure it’s popular-culture induced!”

KAUSTUBHA, BANGALORE

“I knew deep down that I don’t want children but believed for a long time that it is something you have to do, so convinced myself that I’ll have to do this. But upon learning about childfree community, I made up my mind and realised that I really have a choice here.”

VARNIKA, NOIDA

“It was more a matter of being conditioned into believing that having a child is a natural progression of life (especially for a woman) rather than a need to have children.”

SREELALITHA, COIMBATORE

“Constant guilt always makes me feel like I should have a child. But guilt shouldn’t be a reason to bring a child into this world.”

N, BANGALORE

“I once considered it for my husband’s sake.”

RUBY, BANGALORE

“In the Indian society, there is no space for a woman to even consider whether she wants to have children, or whether she wants to get married. That space to think, evaluate and take an informed decision based on individual choices and emotional/mental capabilities is not available. Every woman is expected to marry and if she is married, by default she should have children. I didn’t know whether I wanted to have children until I was in my early thirties. I just assumed I’d have one at least. It was around the age of 32-33 that I realised that don’t want to bear children or adopt children (which I seriously considered in my late twenties).”

S, NEW DELHI

Did you ever want to have children and then changed your mind?

Why do you think people have such a hard time accepting or believing the decision of childfree women?

Have there been moments when you regret the decision?

“Sometimes it does feel that there won’t be anyone to look after me in my elder years, but after a bit of rationalization and questioning that thought that regret passes by. No regrets that stick for days.”

SNEHA, MUMBAI

“We have four fur-babies, and for us they are our children. But I do feel the lack of human baby girls in my life very sorely. And then I think about pregnancy and that longing goes away instantly.”

N, FARIDABAD

“I did not regret it but I briefly wondered if I wanted children when I was turning 30, and decided (again) that I did not.”

S, MUMBAI

“When my partner and i feel like we want a family - we’ve reached a space where we’ve considered adopting dogs, fostering children etc maybe in our 40s.”

P, BANGALORE

“It’s a low-level “what if” thought rather than regret. But it’s not an emotional thought. For me, it’s like idle wondering: What if I had become a pilot? Or what if I had studied fine arts?”

S, BANGALORE

“Only time will tell. Ever since I took that decision, I haven’t regretted it. No one can say how I’ll feel in the future. But it is unlikely that I will regret it.”

S, NEW DELHI

“As somebody said, ‘Everybody with a womb doesn’t have to have a child any more than everybody with vocal cords has to be an opera singer.”

- Gloria Steinem

When did you know that you did not want to have children of your own?

When i was growing up, it never even crossed my mind that someday I am going to have kids. I never dreamed of that. Whenever I think of things to look forward to as I’m getting older, I always think of projects to do, art to make, books to read, things to learn but this whole aspect of having a kid is not something that comes very naturally to me. I think it’s not really a decision I’ve taken, but more that I’ve just not thought about it.

Do you like spending time with children?

I enjoy spending time and talking to them, but only for a few hours. Whenever i get to spend time with friends’ kids, I look forward to it. But certainly not 24x7. I don’t get myself into those situations where I absolutely have to but if there is a kid around, it is so much better to be around kids than adults as such. Kids are more fun I feel. So outright. It is nice to teach them things too. I might want to teach art to kids at some point in the future.

IN CONVERSATION WITH: Aakanksha Gaur

What are some of your reasons to be childfree?

There are a lot of things. First of all, I’m so married to my work, creating art. I like to do a lot of things. It is something very dear to me. I’m learning more about myself. It is something I’m able to get a grasp on and I want to get into it full time. I feel that I won’t be a good mother or a good artist at the same time. It is just impossible to stay away from a kid. They just take everything you have to give them. So for me, i think the life that I’m making, the art I’m making, the work I’m doing, it makes me whole already. There is no void that i have as such to fill with another human being.

Also, I think the desire must spring from you. It doesn’t spring from me at all. I don’t look at a small child and think, I wish I had a daughter or a son like that.

Also, I have a sense, as an individual I think you can do/leave something behind either for the world, or you start a family and leave something for them. I feel that starting a family somehow makes people very selfish. You’re focused on your own family. You want to give the best to your children. Your priorities become selfish. You’re looking internally all the time. You tend to become protective of your own family and you don’t think beyond that. My partner and I do feel that if there is a difference to be made, we can make a lot of difference by considering the world as one family vs. having our own kids and being super selfish around self-propagation.

pregnant. I don’t think there have been a lot of conversations about what are my fears or what is the reason for my decision because they feel that it cannot be true. I have been a little hurt by that.

Are your friends and family understanding of your choice?

I think people from our generation are much more empathetic towards decisions like these and don’t force anything. I’ve never really had to defend this decision a lot. It’s been 8 years of our marriage and our parents definitely keep asking. Every call that we make is about that only and now I just deflect it. When it’s on the phone it’s easy.

I don’t know why people consider being childfree as selfish. It is not true at all. I don’t think it is about responsibility. I think it is the other way round. People who have kids are being selfish in a way. You’re propagating your own genes at the expense of the resources in the world. You will give your kids the best at the someone else’s expense.

Are you vocal about your decision to be childfree?

I don’t think people want to understand my decision. It is just small talk like the weather. Something that you just ask. This topic did come up when my friends started getting

Whenever there is an opportunity, if they’re sitting in front of us and there can be more back and forth conversation, we do try to tell them that we don’t want this, but they can’t wrap their head around it. They think we don’t plan to have kids in the short term, like it’s not permanent. There were times I would talk to my mom and in every conversation she would bring this up. The conversation could be about what have she’d eaten or just the weather, but it would somehow get maneuvered into one about having kids.

Also, I think both sides of the family, for me and my partner, they see us as pretty rebellious. We have done

“I feel that starting a family somehow makes people very selfīsh. You’re focused on your own family.”

things our way for as long as we can remember. So it’s not the first act of rebellion. It’s not out of character.

What are the different reactions you’ve received when you tell people you’ve decided to not have children? There have been times when you try to tell folks that you don’t want to bring a new human onto an already crowded planet. The future looks just kind of bleak. Everything you are as individuals, your limitations, your kid is going to see it. There is so much damage you can do just by being you. But my friends just say that I’m over-thinking and it will be ok. Once you hold the child in your hands it will all be ok. One bizarre thing people sometimes say is that ‘why are you working so hard if you don’t have kids. Who are you going to give all this money to?’ So we just joke and say that we will leave all of it to Orbit (our cat).

Lot of neighbours also ask intrusive questions so I tend to avoid those situations. What I’ve seen is that sometimes, for some folks, there is a sense of moral superiority, that they know something better than what you know about your life, just because they have kids. I do tend to control myself and don’t get aggressive or rude but it does come out like that sometimes. Having a kid, which a completely biological phenomenon, doesn’t make you a superior woman. Sometimes I also feel a tinge of bitterness in some people!

Do you think you’ll ever change your mind about having children? Under what circumstances?

I don’t regret the decision at all. Perhaps I would be open to adoption but really later in life. It is a small thought and we haven’t discussed it.

When you think of pregnancy, childbirth and motherhood what comes to mind?

I also remember this odd encounter with an aunt at my grandmother’s funeral lunch. She was sitting and eating next to me and with a dead pan face asked, ‘Abhi kar nahi rahi ho ya ho nahi raha hai?’ (Are you not planning to have kids yet or are you not able to?) I was already not in the best of moods and this completely irritated me at that point.

For a long time i had a condition called endometriosis. It is a very painful condition and I had to be in the hospital almost every two months. I feel that I’ve gone through multiple childbirths because the condition was so painful. During that time there was no way i could think of inflicting more pain on myself. Also, I don’t think about the physicality of the experience of becoming a mother. I tend to think more about what it takes to bring a life. Eventually, how it is absolutely impossible to fake a good side of yourself in front of your child. Like, you’re really vulnerable and your kids see through you. I find it

absolutely amazing how biases tend to get passed down from parents to kids, how a child construes even the smallest of things a parent would say, in their own world. Sometimes, for instance when I see a friend/sister asking their child to not run or play in the grass, I wonder how I would react if I was a mother. I would have just let my kid do it. But that’s just for a split second. I’m also super excited to know the lives of women, and what lives they’ve lead without motherhood being the primary job. There was a point when I was researching about women who are artists or just anyone without kids and the lives they lead.

Why do you think people have such a hard time accepting or believing the decision of childfree woman? During covid, when news was going around that a lot of kids had lost their parents, many people asked if we would like to adopt or go that way. I think people find it hard to believe that if you have the means to raise kids then why wouldn’t you.

How easy do you think is it, for a woman in India, to make this decision? I think famous women might pull it off but for an average woman, who is probably dependent on her family, there is so much ostracization that happens if you don’t have children. When I was getting treatment for endo, every gynac was telling me to try IVF, despite telling them that the primary motivation was pain management and not that. I don’t think women’s pain is taken very seriously. Even women in your family won’t take you seriously. The first thing they will say is that your pain threshold is low, which is ridiculous.

“Having a kid, which is a completely biological phenomenon, doesn’t make you a superior woman.”

“Things my grandma says”

*Just have children! They will raise themselves!

Do you find your friends and family are understanding of your choice?

“Friends, yes mostly. We haven’t told our families yet. Only in-between conversations, which I feel they take as a joke. We are newly married, so we’ll tell them once there are talks about having kids.”

VARNIKA, NOIDA

“My parents are understanding. I don’t talk to my friends or extended family about it as I don’t owe it to them, and I’m not confident that they would be understanding about it”

SNEHA, MUMBAI

“Many of my friends are, as they too are childfree; some are less understanding but understand that this is the best choice for me. My family is somewhat understanding; the nuclear family gets it, the extended family is probably still a bit puzzled.”

R, SURAT

“While some understand, they constantly are surprised and keep asking if I will regret and I am

sure. I wish I could ask them about having children.”

LAKSHMI, BANGALORE

“My mother was surprisingly cool about it and said she wished she had the courage to take such a decision. I don’t feel the need to explain it to anyone else.”

ANURADHA, BANGALORE

“No, very few people are understanding. Until we were in our 40s, the questions were intrusive and relentless. Now, some of them seem resentful/envious, some think we hate children. Yet others think we maybe tried and didn’t succeed.”

S, BANGALORE

“They have no choice on this matter. Since in their mental framework, children can happen only in a marital setting, which didn’t work out for me for no fault of mine, they never ask me about children. I am happy not to discuss it too.”

ADHYA, NEW DELHI

“I admire my female friends with children – I admire their dedication and hard work. I’d like them to start admiring me in return. I work just as hard and am just as dedicated to my own way of life. We are all women. We should be celebrating difference, not creating barriers.”

Excerpt from “I used to judge childfree women”

by Eleanor Tucker

My Childfree Journey by Oorna Datta

Is anyone else annoyed by the narrative that if I have chosen childfree then I must have some amazing career?

I like my job but it isn’t something where I have to spend all my time at.

Can’t other things be fulfilling that aren’t kids or a career?

As I started reading more about Child-free Women (CFW) in India, I came across a bunch of things that people tend to wrongly assume about them.

Misconception #1

CFW DON’T LIKE RESPONSIBILITY

It may seem on the surface that CFW lead reposibility-free lives but when you dig deeper, you realize that this is quite far from the truth. Yes, not having a child surely leaves you with more time, energy and finances to pursue things that you love, but it is not always about exotic vacations or late-night parties. The media is often to blame to reinforce such stereotypes. Many of the participants of this project were involved in other roles of care-giving, volunteering for social causes etc., while others were grappling with having a stable career or dealing with health issues.

“I have always been maternal & a care-giver. I was one of the primary caregivers for both my grandfathers during the late stages of their lives. I have also taken care of my older sister & my mom emotionally. For once I just wanted to travel & just not be responsible for anyone else.”

Aishwariya, Bangalore

“Being a parent requires a lot of commitment and sacrifice. As a doctor, I would rather use the same commitment and sacrifices to improve the health of my community.”

N, Calicut

“I volunteer in animal welfare work. My basic reason to not have a child is to be able to help those who are already in this world, financially and emotionally. I do not have to think twice before helping someone out.” Anonymous, Pune

Misconception #2

CFW DON’T LIKE KIDS

It is a common belief that all CFW hate kids and everything to do with them. On the contrary, choosing a ‘child-free’ life does not always equate to a dislike for children. Yes, many CFW prefer the company of adults but there are also many that interact with children on a daily basis. Some are teachers, pediatricians or social workers. More than 75% of the women who participated in this project said that found children delightful but still did not want any of their own. Some feel that having a child is not the only way to nurture; others are indifferent. Here’s what they had to say:

“I like children. I’m that fun aunt kinda person. But I’m speaking of 5-10 year olds. I wouldn’t know the first thing about handling an infant.”

Rajani, Chennai

“I work in education. My job includes talking to children about their misconceptions, their understanding about things around them and I love doing it.”

Krishna, Bangalore

“I love interacting with children. I love taking care of my nieces & my friends’ kids. I love spending time with them as their aunt. And, I love handing them over to their parents when the evening is over.”

Aishwariya, Bangalore

“I have loved kids for as long as I can think. I play with babies and toddlers and can watch them like I’m their mommy. No issues at all. But there’s a difference between playing with someone’s baby for a while and doing it as a full time job forever. I have plenty of love to give and I enjoy their company. I’m just not sold on the idea that in order to enjoy that I have to birth one myself only. There are plenty of babies already in the world that I can love and bond with.”

Anonymous, Kolkata

“I am totally fine around children. In fact they love me, my nieces and nephews love hanging out with me and I, with them. I can also befriend children on the subway. Interacting with children and having your own child are two different things for me.” Farheen, Mumbai

“I love children. They love me back. I have a lot of love to give but with my current mental health and resources, I am not the best person to raise a child.” Neha, Delhi

“I like other people’s children for limited periods of time. I absolutely cannot handle them beyond a few hours though, and it gives me a great sense of relief that eventually, they will go home. Also, being responsible for the life of another human being at such a deep level is just very unnerving.” Reema, Mumbai

“I feel neutral - I like some of them, I dislike others. Just like adults.” Gita, Mumbai

“I wasn’t afraid of being a mother, and I didn’t think I’d be a bad one. I just wanted to be other things so much more.”

LAUREN MCKEON

BOOKS TO REAd:

Selfish, Shallow, and Self-Absorbed: Sixteen Writers on the Decision Not to Have Kids

Kid Me Not: An Anthology by Child-free Women of the ‘60s Now in Their 60s

Motherhood and Choice: Uncommon Mothers, Childfree Women

(M)otherhood: On the Choices of Being a Woman

Of Mothers and Others: Stories, Essays, Poems

Motherhood

Regretting Motherhood: A Study

IN THE NExT ISSUE:

• CFW and friendships

• Other forms of parenting

• CFW in popular culture

• CFW on pregnancy/childbirth

• More interviews and insights

BIBLIOGRAPHY

• www.nakedtruth.in/2021/10/06/whose-womb-is-it-anyway/

• scroll.in/article/854017/to-be-a-mother-or-not-are-indian-women-anycloser-to-having-the-choice

• www.thedreamdaily.com/i-used-to-judge-childfree-women/

• www.vervemagazine.in/people/mums-the-word-urvashi-butalia-makes-astrong-case-for-a-womans-right-to-remain-childless

• www.lauracarroll.com/amrita-nandy-motherhood-and-choice/

• www.dnaindia.com/mumbai/report-growing-number-of-highlyeducated-and-successful-women-in-our-cities-are-opting-out-ofmotherhood-1909399

• livewire.thewire.in/gender-and-sexuality/woes-of-a-child-free-indianwoman/

• https://thetempest.co/2021/02/26/culture-taste/constant-disastersmade-me-child-free/

• www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2020/nov/23/i-am-in-my-40s-pleasestop-asking-me-why-i-dont-have-children

• www.stylist.co.uk/life/childless-child-free-importance-terminologywomen-damaging-language-feminism/72077

• www.today.com/parents/child-free-choice-why-women-intentionally-optout-parenthood-t210203

• scroll.in/article/854017/to-be-a-mother-or-not-are-indian-women-anycloser-to-having-the-choice

• www.thehindu.com/news/cities/chennai/chen-columns/unapologeticallychildfree/article4837335.ece

• https://feminisminindia.com/2021/09/13/pet-parenting-cats/

• https://www.thehindu.com/features/magazine/gouri-dange-on-beingchildless-by-choice/article7565746.ece

• theswaddle.com/podcast/on-the-glorification-of-motherhood-and-thetaboo-against-being-childfree/

• thewalrus.ca/is-motherhood-good-for-women/

• www.vogue.in/magazine-story/child-free-by-choice-a-gradually-risingtrend-in-urban-india/

• http://childfreebychoice-india.blogspot.com/

• https://www.thenotmom.com/blog

• https://www.reddit.com/r/childfree/

• https://myselfishlife.com/resources