Beyond the Bruises by Kristi Chevalier

[16] July 23, 2010

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COMPLICATED:

How the definition of domestic violence goes beyond physical abuse into every aspect of life

BY KRIS HILL khill@covingtonreporter.com

Editor’s note: This is the first in a four part series on domestic violence. The second part of the series will run in late August with the series culminating in October, which is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month.

Taking the first step to get away from abuse BY KRIS HILL khill@covingtonreporter.com

Just leave if you’re being abused. It’s easier said than done. “We do know that one of the most dangerous times for a survivor is after they’ve first left,” said Cheryl Bozarth, execu-

tive director of Domestic Abuse Women’s Network (DAWN). Bozarth said those who have worked with domestic violence survivors over the years had known anecdotally the risks of leaving and in the past decade or so research backs up that knowledge. “We run a 24/7 crisis line

where a trained advocate can answer anything from general questions... all the way up to, ‘I’m in an emergency situation and I need a safe place to be,’” Bozarth said. “We also have an emergency shelter that we are currently expanding and when that expansion is complete, we’ll have 25 beds for survivors and their children.” Another key is safety planning, Bozarth said, something that DAWN advocates can help with. “It’s our belief that safety planning doesn’t begin after

It goes back to the idea that the abuser feels compelled to control his partner, said Keith Beach, founder of the Jennifer Beach Foundation which was started in Covington and is now based out of Auburn. “The model throughout history to keep people down is to keep them dumb and to keep them poor and abusers know that,” Beach said. “They can take the smartest woman around and continually demean her...to keep her not informed of what’s going on in society... demanding that someone reports every penny that they spend and where they spend it. But, mostly for a way to show power over another.” Beach added that he had heard a statistic that women on average will attempt to leave an abusive relationship five to seven times before she finally breaks it off. “I think you become blind,” he said. “I met a woman who had been through a couple relationships that had been abusive and she decided to just give up on having relationships.” Instead, Beach suggested she revise her “checklist for a relationship,” an approach she [ more ABUSE page 17 ]

a person has left,” she said. “We’d like to be able to help survivors in that process of leaving as much as possible. The earlier a person... is making those plans the better.” Calling DAWN’s crisis line at 425-656-7867 or toll free at 866-286-3296 is the best step to take first, Bozarth said. Jennier Quiroz, a community advocate for YWCA of South King County, also works with victims of domestic violence including helping them get out of [ more STEP page 18 ]

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o outsiders, an abusive relationship could seem like a black and white situation. But, experts on domestic violence say those relationships are complicated, all shades of gray. Someone may see a couple where one of the partners — statistically more often than not the man — is abusive and the other a victim as rocky, tumultuous, volatile or dysfunctional. But, that’s not how experts define it. It goes well beyond the surface, well beyond the visible bruises and apparently petty arguments, and is about far more than what outsiders may think. “The way we talk about domestic violence behaviorally is that we see it as a pattern of coercion and assaultive behaviors that one person uses to gain power and control over their intimate partner,” said Merril Cousin, executive director of the King County Coalition Against Domestic Violence. “It goes so much beyond (physical violence) and really what is central is this issue of the use of coercion power and control. It’s this pattern of one person using this range of tactics to get control over their partner.” Victoria Throm, founder of the Covington Domestic Violence Task Force, provides assistance to victims in that role as well as her position with the city of Covington as a Human Services Specialist for the city. It’s one of the many hats she wears. “Most people, I would imagine, think of domestic violence as strictly physical,” Throm said. “The biggest denial is when it’s emotional.” And Throm, a survivor herself, identifies closely with the denial of the other aspects of abusive behavior that occurs in such a relationship. “I was that way,” she said. “I’ve had people recently say to me, ‘He didn’t hit me, so, it’s not abuse.’ To me that’s probably the area that’s the most difficult to understand because they don’t physically harm them. It’s so subtle and it just wears you down. Your self-esteem is gone.” Throm explained there are no cut and dried answer to what domestic violence looks like because “it is very complicated. Every story is unique, so, there are so many facets. There’s not just one pat answer or description. Control and manipulation are the keys.” Sometimes the abuse can surprise outsiders, Throm said, because abusers can live a double life. “These abusers, men and women — most of the cases of abusers are men, but that isn’t always the case — these guys can be charming in public and they could be totally different at home,” she said. “They can be very selective.” And Throm said that smart women who are well educated and have good jobs in positions of power can find themselves in abusive relationships. “It’s not just low income,” she said. “That is another stereotype that is very wrong is that it affects only low income (families).”

July 23, 2010 [17]

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STATISTICS AND EXAMPLES

Cousin said she believes on both a local and national level society has come a long way in the past 30 years. “People used to think this was a fairly rare occurrence,” Cousin said. “If someone got beat up by their partner, they must have done something to deserve it. People now really recognize that domestic violence is a big problem... and that really using violence against an intimate partner is not OK.” There is not as much awareness, however, of all the different kinds of coercive behavior abusers can use that range from threats to controlling and monitoring everything the partner does. Throm said she had a client come to her who left her cell phone in her car because her husband was tech savvy. “He had cameras set up in their house,” Throm said. “She was certain he had bugged her phone. She was certain that he had put a GPS unit on her car. He knew every place she’d been.” And that is just one example of the kind of coercive behavior abusers use to maintain control of their victims. Cousin said that on a national level, statistics show that an estimated 25 to 30 percent of women are victims of domestic violence. “Usually there is, if not overt violence, the threat of implied violence,” she said. “The actual physical violence may be sporadic, but these other kinds of violence could be going on all the time. And a lot of

annual event in Covington that Throm started four years ago that has spread across the country and is gaining traction internationally. It is observed in October in conjunction with National Domestic Violence Awareness Month. The Jennifer Beach Foundation offers a few HOW THEY HELP programs and Beach said In Covington, the city his non-profit also partners partners with the YWCA with the YWCA. and the Domestic Abuse Beach, who is an acWomen’s Network, DAWN, countant, offers a financial and provides funding for literacy class for survivors services, Throm said. and thus far the class has A part-time community helped 184 women. advocate, Milena Chaush“That’s been an area eva, runs a support group where we’d had success,” in Covington as part of Beach said. “We’ve had the services the YWCA women enter college, go provides. into job training, find new DAWN has the only housing arrangements. The confidential domestic viobiggest part is the selflence shelter in south King esteem and self-confidence County, Throm said, and and building them up according to statistics because they’ve been provided by the down for so agency it received Beyond the put long.” 78 calls in 2009 One woman, a from Covington student in the class, clients. had come to equate “That number her net worth with her ranges in the 70 to 90s personal worth. She defined each year,” Throm said. “I herself by her credit score. post flyers for (domestic “We had to stop and tell violence) help with tear-off her that it’s just a number numbers in all bathrooms and it doesn’t define who at the city building. Since she is as a woman, as a we have done that, the mother, as a daughter,” number of calls has inBeach said. “I told her, creased yearly.” Additionally, the Coving- ‘There isn’t anything you ton Domestic Violence Task can’t do.’ She said, ‘No one has ever told me that Force that Throm heads up before.’ Now she’s actually provides direct services to victims, ranging from motel working on publishing a book of poems.” vouchers when shelters are Another program his full, food and gas vouchers, foundation offers is a Kids among other assistance. Camp for children who “To date we have provided 92 bed nights for women grew up in domestic violence where parents are also and their children until welcome to attend. they could get into shelter The idea, Beach said, is or transitional housing,” Throm said. “I partner with to teach the children who come out of those environthe YWCA and DAWN ments there are other ways staff to send an advocate to to handle problems than the motel to work with the getting angry, out of control victim. The Purple Light and lashing out. Nights campaign raises “The result that we have the funds to provide these is the children and the services.” mother leave with tools,” Purple Light Nights is an

Bruises

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Beach said. “We try and knock down those barriers.” Next up for Beach is teen awareness, something the foundation has just started working on, to help stop these behaviors in kids before they get into adult relationships. The King County Coalition Against Domestic Violence, Cousin said, is an umbrella over 40 members organizations “that somehow either provide services to victims, abusers or children of domestic violence or somehow work against domestic violence.” “Our region, I think, has more organizations and more of a variety of services available than many other places in the country,” Cousin said. “There is help out there. Anyone that is concerned about their own safety or concerned about feeling threatened or powerless in their relationships, they can call the (state) domestic violence hotline. They don’t have to be ready to walk out the door. They can just call and talk to someone about what’s going on and find out what kind of help is out there.” Cousin also said that people should not be afraid to help if someone comes to them when trying to get away from an abuser. “What we know about domestic violence survivors is that they are most likely to turn to family or friends,” she said. “They can be an incredible resource and (survivors) don’t have to go it alone.” The Washington state domestic violence hotline is 800-562-6025.

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hadn’t thought of because she had become so focused on the kinds of relationships she had been drawn into in the past.

what we consider abuse... doesn’t get reported to law enforcement.” A 2006 survey of female patients of Group Health providers showed that 44 percent said they “had experienced intimate partner violence in their lifetime.”

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[ ABUSE from page 16]

August 27, 2010 [3]

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Beyond the

Bruises...

Moving on from victim to survivor BY KRIS HILL khill@covingtonreporter.com

ife doesn’t get any less complicated for a survivor of domestic violence after leaving the abuser. Once away safely, a survivor will look around and ask, “What now?” After finding a place to live, a way to get around, a job and perhaps child care or a new school, the next step is to figure out how to build a life that doesn’t repeat the patterns the survivor just escaped. And at some point, especially if a survivor has kids, it will be important to work with them on ways to prevent the cycle of abuse from continuing.

For the adults

In King County there are a number of programs offered to survivors by nonprofit organizations such as the YWCA of Southeast King County, the Jennifer Beach Foundation, the Covington Domestic Violence Task Force and DAWN, in addition to a number of other offerings by Washington state such as the Temporary Assistance to Needy Families, Women, Infant and Children, job search assistance and retraining offered by Work Source and Washington Women’s Employment and Education, as well as the Safe Havens Visitation Center in Kent, which is part of the Center for Children and Youth Justice. Keith Beach, founder of The Jennifer Beach Foundation, partnered with Jennifer Quiroz, a community advocate from the YWCA, in early 2006 to offer a class called Hope and Power For Your Personal Finances for survivors. “I was an accountant in another life and have a passion for financial literacy,” Beach said. “It is a free 10 session course plus three follow up classes that includes education in financial topics such as banking, budgeting, saving, credit report review, borrowing, investing, insurance, debt management as well as non-financial topics such as housing, education, legal rights and advocacy for survivors and self-esteem and self confidence building.” Beach explained that the abuser in a relationship often uses what he described as “economic abuse” to control a victim. “No money or no skill in how to manage money limits a person’s ability to free themselves from being dependent upon someone else,” he said. “Abusers know this and use it against victims.” Since first offering the class, more than 200 students have participated, most of whom found it through the YWCA which offers a comprehensive list of services for victims. There was one student, Beach said, who had left a particularly strong impression on him while they were discussing net worth during one of the classes. “One of the things that we always have to caution the women in this class is that their net worth isn’t their personal worth,” he said. “They equate that number on a piece of paper to who they are as a person. This one woman stood up and she had a tear coming from her eye and she said, ‘I don’t think I can do this.’ I told her, ‘I know you got up this morning, then you made breakfast, that you drove here, so I know you are capable of doing anything in this

class.’ She said nobody had ever told her she was capable of doing anything. She didn’t give up in class that day.” This particular survivor more than a year and a half later has written a book of poems and is looking for a publisher. “That is something she might not have even had the confidence to even try before working her way through our class,” Beach said. Quiroz said the class covers things that are really important for survivors and “we’re very proud of it.” In her work with the YWCA, Quiroz said, she meets one-on-one with victims (she primarily works with women, but, many programs available in the area are open to men, as well) on every level they need to break away from the abuser. “If we are not able to help, we’ll make referrals to other agencies, for example to therapy, for very complicated legal cases, or for clothes or diapers, etc.,” Quiroz said. “We will discuss during that visit whatever her specific concerns are, we don’t have an agenda ourselves. And then we’re available on an on-going basis if she has more questions later, or her circumstances change and she needs different help. All of our services are voluntary, which means we don’t do any on-going ‘case management.’ We are available as much or as little as a survivor might need us. We are available to meet with survivors from all over South King County.” In addition, Quiroz speaks Spanish while fellow advocate Milena Chausheva speaks Russian, and they can find interpreters as needed for other languages. The YWCA also offers support groups, Quiroz said, for survivors. “That’s a great way for women to be able to share their

experience in a safe, non-judgmental place and to see that she’s not alone,” she said. “We discuss the violence that has happened and how they’ve been affected, but we also focus a lot on moving forward. So, we talk a lot about selfesteem, self-care, setting boundaries, setting goals, etc.” For as long as the YWCA has offered help to domestic violence victims, Chausheva explained, there have been support groups. They are available in Renton, Kent, Auburn and two in Federal Way. Each group has between five and 10 members. And a group just started on Aug. 16 in Covington. “Four people came,” Chausheva said. “Hopefully for the future we will have more.” Members of the support groups learn about safety planning and how to be safe without living in fear, the dynamics of violence within an intimate relationship and in society, to understand how domestic violence has affected their lives and how to move forward as well as how to develop personal goals and achieve them. They also work on what they can do as individuals to fight domestic violence in their own lives and in society, build self-esteem and confidence, take better care of themselves as well as share resources. “This is a place to learn from each other’s positive and negative experiences, what has worked and what hasn’t and how to move more easily ‘through the system,’” Chausheva said. “In our support group we have women from different cultures and ethnicity and sharing their life and experience. There is no language barrier. They all speak the same lan[ more SURVIVOR page 4 ]

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Editor’s note: This is the second in a four part series on domestic violence. The first part ran in July. The third part of the series will run in late September with the series culminating in October, which is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month.

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[4] August 27, 2010 [ SURVIVOR from page 3] these classes are so important guage — violence — and that language is not tolerable in any culture. It is amazing to see how these people build their self esteem and move on with their life. They are coming desperate and leave with confidence.”

For the kids

Working with children who have witnessed and survived domestic violence is just as crucial as working with the victim who was part of the intimate partner relationship. The Jennifer Beach Foundation began offering a Kids Club class in the spring. The 10-week program is designed to help children that have been raised in a domestic violence environment. “One of the main reasons Crossword Answers

Puzzle in Classifieds

is because children that are raised in a domestic violence environment but are not directly physically, sexually or emotionally abused are sometimes overlooked,” Beach said. “In recent years there has been much more attention paid to this group. What they have heard, what they have seen and the after effects of violence going on inside the home will sometimes leave psychological scars or create impressions of role models that will be copied as they grow up. Our hope with Kids Club is to break that cycle. We have fun with the kids while teaching them new lessons and discussing healthier behaviors.” DAWN also offers a Kids Club program, but it is a bit different, though it has the same goal. It is for children ages 6-12 years old who are living in shelter and “have been exposed to domestic violence already through their parents’ relationship,” according to Executive Director Cheryl Bozarth. “In terms of prevention, it helps them understand what healthy relationships look like and how to establish boundaries and enforce them when they need to,” Bozarth said. In addition, DAWN works

www.covingtonreporter.com • www.maplevalleyreporter.com with local therapists to provide help for kids who have witnessed domestic violence. Quiroz said the YWCA also offers a Children’s Advocacy Program. “We have three children’s advocates who provide a 10week in-home curriculum for the non-abusive parent and the children together,” she said. “During the program they cover safety planning with the kids, feelings, anger, and much more. Part of the program is also the DV Children’s Response Team, which is a partnership between the YWCA, DAWN, and Sound Mental Health.” Then there is Safe Havens Visitation Center in Kent, added Victoria Throm, founder of the Covington Domestic Violence Task Force and human services specialist for the city of Covington. “It is the only child visitation center in the county to protect the adult as well as the child,” Throm said. “They provide safe, accessible, culturally sensitive supervised visitation and safe exchanges for families affected by intimate partner violence.” It is important to understand, Throm noted, that when an abusive relationship ends visitation can

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become the way “batterers can continue their abuse by stalking, interrogating the children, convincing them to take sides, sending messages to or undermining the other parent.” Safe Havens is open seven days a week, Throm said, and currently serves five families from Covington.

For teens

All of these organizations are now looking at ways to work with teens to prevent domestic violence by helping them recognize patterns of abuse early on, but it’s a challenge due to funding and the intense focus that crisis intervention for victims tends to draw. There is, however, a shift not just on a local level but on national level among advocates to find ways to offer prevention programs to young people, explained Kelly Starr, communications coordinator for the Washington State Coalition Against Domestic Violence. WSCADV recently partnered with the Seattle Mariners in an effort to win a $200,000 Pepsi Refresh grant to work with baseball coaches who work with youth. “The project would focus on mentoring younger athletes to messages of honor and respect... to teach nonviolence to athletes,” Starr said. “We have actually partnered with (the Mariners) for the last 13 years on the Refuse to Abuse campaign. That’s how they knew about us. They are really committed to having a voice and contributing to ending domestic violence in the community.” The Pepsi Refresh grant came about because the soda company decided rather than spending money on Super Bowl commercials they would put those advertising dollars to work. Each month Pepsi doles out grants for projects all over the country. While the Mariners didn’t win the $200,000 grant after five weeks of voting, Starr said, a lot of good came out of the campaign to get people to vote for it online. “The great thing about our project is that there was so much grass roots mobilizing to get the word out about the vote,” she said. “This had the great side benefit of people all across the country talking about domestic violence.” By getting conversations going, the effort to raise awareness was definitely achieved, and the Mariners did earn a $5,000 grant which Starr said everyone is excited about. “The plan for us is to keep building on this partnership and to look for other poten-

tial funding sources to do this work,” she said. “Domestic violence is complicated and we need to bring the community in. We all have a role in ending it.” Another key program for working teens, Starr said, is something called “In Their Shoes: Teens and Dating Violence.” “That started with a family whose teenage daughter was murdered,” she said. “They were saying, ‘People need to be talking about this.’ It’s another way of looking at prevention and earlier intervention. This is about us as communities having conversations with teens.” “In Their Shoes” is a training kit for any group of adults such as teachers, counselors, youth group leaders, law enforcement, or parents. Participants become one of six teen characters. They make choices about their relationships and move through the scenario by reading about interactions with their dating partner, family, friends, police, counselors, and others. The teen characters are based on the experiences of real teens that include sexting, pregnancy, homophobia and stalking. It was released by WSCADV in May on the anniversary of the death of Dayna Fure who was murdered by her ex-boyfriend in 2004 just before she would have graduated from Stanwood High School. “Our goal is to make a difference in the lives of others,” said Melody Hafner, mother of Dayna Fure, in a statement. “I feel that my daughter did what she thought was right, but many people that she went to for advice needed more knowledge. It is my hope that when people experience ‘In Their Shoes’ they get more information about what to look and listen for.” According to the American Journal of Public Health, one in three teens has experienced some form of abuse in dating relationships. It’s important, Starr noted, that adults understand that teen dating relationships are different compared to adult relationships. Teens have told advocacy organizations like WSCADV that adults need to understand that in order to have meaningful conversations about teen dating violence as well as how to provide help. Beach also has plans to do more work with teenagers after a successful one-off program at Kentridge High School in the spring of 2008. His foundation matched funds from the South King County Community Network. He then connected with a youth group at a

church in Covington and asked them if they wanted to tackle the issue of teen dating violence. “They came up with some great ideas,” Beach said. “One of the students was a member of the ASB at Kentridge High School. He went to the administration and asked if he could do an assembly.” The theme of the assembly, which drew more than 400 students, was “Have You Had Enough?” There were role play scenarios where both boys and girls were the aggressor in the relationship and Beach said there was a great deal of audience interaction. “One of the more impactful things was that we had a 27-year-old Seattle school district teacher come and talk about her first boyfriend who was abusive,” Beach said. “She didn’t realize it had messed up her life until she was in college. You could hear a pin drop while she was speaking.” In the future, Beach hopes to create a student board of directors for the foundation “so that we can reach teenagers using their voices, their language and their ideas so we can raise awareness that there is help.” He also hopes to provide resources to teens who experience not just dating violence but bullying and other issues along those lines. Beach is also hoping to partner with the Covington DVTF to provide the “In Their Shoes” program at local high schools during the upcoming school year. “Hopefully it will give them a different perspective,” he said. “Hopefully it will change their behavior in the future.”

Survivor beyond Resources the bruises For more information about any of the agencies in the article, contact information and websites are listed below. DAWN www.dawnonline.org 24 Hour Crisis Line 425-656-7867 YWCA ywcaworks.org Look under Emergency Programs for “Domestic Violence” Call 206-795-2361 for Support Group information Washington State Domestic Violence Hotline 800-562-6025 The Jennifer Beach Foundation www.jnbfoundation.org 253-630-7193 King County Coalition Against Domestic Violence http://kccadv.org/hotlines.html

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PURPLE LIGHT NIGHTS KICKOFF

Purple Light Nights, a growing effort to raise awareness about domestic violence, kicks off with a tree lighting at 7 p.m. on Oct. 2 in Covington. Lighting of the city’s holiday tree will launch the 4th annual Purple Light Nights and is in addition to the lighted street trees which are sponsored by local businesses. For more information, visit www.purplelightnights.org.

Contact and submissions: Kris Hill khill@maplevalleyreporter.com khill@covingtonreporter.com or 425-432-1209, ext. 5054

September 24, 2010 [3]

Beyond the

Bruises... SURVIVAL STORY: Editor’s note: This is the third in a four part series on domestic violence. The first part ran in July and the second part ran in August. The series culminated in October, which is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Some details as well as the names of the survivor, her ex-husband and her children have been changed at her request to protect her family. BY KRIS HILL khill@covingtonreporter.com

For seven years, Angela Jones lived in fear, trying to stay alive. She is a survivor of domestic violence who even 10 years after her divorce is still struggling with the manipulative behavior of her ex-husband. Jones met her ex-husband, James, when she was barely out of high school. “The first time that he hit me was a month after we were married,” Jones said. “I just remember sitting on the bed thinking to myself, ‘What have I done, what have I gotten myself into?’ I was so young.” But, she got pregnant four months after she started dating James, so “the thing to do was get married.” “The morning (they got married) we woke up, he told me, ‘You need to get up because we’re

How one woman escaped her abuser, built a new life for her family and even found a new love

getting married today,’” Jones said. “He didn’t ask me. There was no ‘I love you.’ He always just told me what to do.” At eight months pregnant with her daughter Corinne, who is now a high school student in Covington, James held her down “like a dog rubbing my face in the carpet.” “I didn’t want to let him get on top of me because of the baby,” Jones said. “To look at this man... (abusers) don’t have a certain look. They’re just every day looking. They’re not mean.” Later on in the relationship, Jones explained, she miscarried a pregnancy. “I slipped on some ice and he wouldn’t let me go to the hospital,” she said. “I bled for a month and I eventually lost the child.” When her daughter was 2 years old, Jones left him, and managed to stay away for about a year. While she had a job, it wasn’t paying enough for her as a single mom. “So, I went back to him,” she said. “I wanted my daughter to know her dad. He was abusive from the get go. I was given ultimatums. Crazy, crazy ultimatums.” She recalls her ex-husband driving her from strip club to strip club with the intent of making her work at one, and Jones finally stood up for herself in that scenario. Despite that, she stayed. “I always wanted to believe that he would

stop,” she said. “That he loved me enough that he would stop. I just didn’t know what to do.” During the final two years of the marriage, James was on the road with a family member whom he had started a company with, “which was awesome,” especially because he was making good money. “But, he didn’t want to keep up the house or pay for the rent while he was on the road,” she said. “I wasn’t thinking. It was almost like I lived in a fantasy land.” So she would travel with his mother to visit him on the road and one trip to Louisiana is where her son, who is now in grade school in Covington, was conceived. “I had my son and he wasn’t even there to see my son born, he could have, but he didn’t,” she said. Eventually she would spend more time traveling with him and it was on a trip to California that she started to realize she had to get out. “We were out in Sacramento and he put me in the hospital,” she said. “He ripped my face open. They had to put 22 stitches in my face. My daughter, at 5 years old, remembers me running into the bathroom. She remembers blood being everywhere.” There is a purple line on the right side of her mouth, but most of the scars from the relationship [ more STORY page 4 ]

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[4] September 24, 2010 [ STORY from page 3]

are now invisible. “He wouldn’t let me go to the ER for two hours,” she said. “He had me believing they would take our kids away from us.” She decided then that when they got back home that would never happen again. One day, James had left her at home with no car and no money, her son was barely a year old and in need of formula and diapers. He wouldn’t come home. She called and called and called, but, he wouldn’t return to take care of her or his son, Jones said. That day Jones called her father for help. She was done. “He came and got me and I never went back,” she said. “The biggest thing for me was I never wanted my son to grow up like him. You want to believe them every time they’re looking at you and they’re crying and they say they’re sorry and they’ll never hurt you again. Even when he put his finger through my face, it wasn’t his fault, it was mine.” When she left, all her little family had were the clothes on their backs, and eventually she found a new job and started rebuilding her life. In 2005, she moved to this area with a man she met while living in Texas, David. He had moved to Texas to help sort out the estate of a relative who had been murdered. Jones counts her blessings when it comes to David. “I love it up here and so do my children,” she said. “When he asked me to come up... I wasn’t coming. I had been able to do it on my own. I had my own

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condo. I had a car. I had everything down. I was selfsufficient even without (her ex-husband).” She thought this was just going to be a road trip, coming to Washington state, because she never thought she would settle down and build a life with a man again. “We didn’t get married until two years ago,” she said. “I had been there, I had done that and I had such a bad taste in my mouth. I love my husband... because he’s so good to me.” And then 10 months ago the nightmare began again. She had always allowed her children to spend time with their father because she believed that he would never hurt them. “He was able to talk my daughter into signing the paperwork that she wanted to live with him,” she said. “She wanted to be down there with her cousin. She didn’t think about being with her dad. So, she signed it. They came back and he took me to court for my kids.” Something went wrong during the case and “the courts made me turn my children over to this man.” “Even though my kids were begging and crying,” she said. “They told everybody they wanted to be with their mom. Nobody did anything.” And the patterns of control and abuse started new, but, this time with her children. He would allow them 15 minutes a week on the phone to talk to Jones. He set it up so that the phone wouldn’t ring and instead voice messages would go straight to his computer, which he also took away from them after he found out their daughter

was e-mailing Jones. “When he got physical finally with (their daughter) it was because he kept promising her, ‘This will happen, then you can go home,’” Jones said. “She kept telling her dad, ‘You told me I could go home.’ He got so pissed off he drug her off the couch and through the house.” Her teenage daughter saw what Jones had gone through more than a decade ago and now “she’s petrified” of her father. Finally, she went searching for her children at the beginning of this summer, because “he wasn’t going to let me have them.” “Me, being the biological parent, I got the police involved,” she said. “I show them the paperwork. They were on my side. Everything was coming to a head.” He still owed $14,000 in back child support, Jones said, and was likely on the verge of going to jail for failure to pay. “It was so obvious that he was fixing to lose everything,” she said. “All I wanted was my kids back. So, I forgave the $14,000.” And she went along with other conditions so she get her children back. “My daughter left here as an innocent child but she didn’t come back like that,” Jones said. “The sad thing to me through this whole thing... she doesn’t want to talk to him. She wants my husband to adopt her.” Jones said she wants other victims to know that they don’t have to live with the fear and the violence. “I was always scared to call the police,” she said. “There was always a I reason. I didn’t have (the abuse) documented and

Survivor Resources

beyond the bruises

For more information about domestic violence advocacy groups, contact information and websites are listed below. COVINGTON DOMESTIC VIOLENCE TASK FORCE 253-638-1110, Ext. 2237 DAWN www.dawnonline.org 24 Hour Crisis Line 425-656-7867 YWCA ywcaworks.org Look under Emergency Programs for “Domestic Violence” Call 206-795-2361 for Support Group information Washington State Domestic Violence Hotline 800-562-6025 The Jennifer Beach Foundation www.jnbfoundation.org 253-630-7193 King County Coalition Against Domestic Violence http://kccadv.org/hotlines.html

you have to have it documented. When you are in that situation you feel like you can’t do it but you have to do it.” She added that if she could get out so can other victims. “I just want women to know they can get through it,” she said. “I am the perfect example because I didn’t have anything. You don’t have to be stuck where someone would belittle and hurt you.” In that first year away from her abuser, Jones said, she couldn’t even look people in the eyes “because I was so beat down.” “Why did I allow that? I think I’m a strong person,” she said. “It took me years to get my old self back.

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What I hope to instill in my daughter... you have to know who you are, you have to be stable in yourself before you can connect with someone.” Part of how Jones has tried to move on is by getting involved with the Covington Domestic Violence Task Force, which is headed up by Victoria Throm. Through the DVTF and her job as a human services specialist with the city of Covington, Throm works to connect victims with services, to help them get away so they don’t end up walking away as Jones did with nothing to their names. “When a victim seeks out help, she has already come to a big decision in her life – to change. Change in many ways,” Throm said. “For some it may mean changing where she lives, even another state. Moving her children. Change in jobs, and most importantly, change internally - the way she thinks and responds.” There are number of local agencies who help including DAWN and the South King County YWCA. There is also a state domestic violence hotline that will connect victims with local resources. Those connections are critical, explained Kelly Starr, who is the communications coordinator for the Washington State Coalition Against Domestic Violence. “It is so important to connect survivors with a community-based domestic violence program because these programs can provide that person with an advocate – someone who can work with them on an individual bases to identify options and think through those options, how they might impact safety, how their partner/expartner might react, etc.,” Starr wrote in an e-mail. “Domestic violence is a complex issue, and there is no one simple solution that will work for everyone. The survivor brings expertise on their unique situation, and an advocate brings expertise on the resources available and how different systems work. Together, an

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advocate and survivor can address complex (and often changing) needs that the person may have.” That guidance is crucial throughout the process, even well after a victim has escaped from their abuser, something Jones and Throm can both attest to. “Many women get involved in another abusive relationship because they didn’t understand the dynamics of their relationship and do the work to break the cycle. Victims are often co-dependents or they believe this is all they deserve,” Throm said. “Getting help to understand the cycle and fix their own dysfunction so they can recognize and choose a healthy relationship is the goal. Helping the victim identify exactly what the problem is may be one of the biggest challenges.” There are often a number of barriers for victims and Throm said it’s important to help them find services to overcome those barriers and find support. “Fear and anxiety can be huge barriers that cannot be addressed without help,” Throm said. That fear was something that held Jones back for a long time. “There were a lot of times I just wouldn’t do anything because he said he was going to kill me,” she said. “I watched my back for months after I got away.” She said in the past year, though, her children learned the hardest lesson of all. Throm said that it is also important for children who have been in those situations to get help, something Jones is looking into for her son and daughter who have dealt with the trauma very differently. “If left to themselves, often the males grow up to be batterers and the females grow up to think it is normal to be abused,” Throm said. “The break the cycle of violence, especially a multigenerational family with a pattern of abuse, a variety of services is necessary.” For Jones, the worst part of the nightmare is over, she no longer has to live in fear and she feels blessed to be in a new relationship that is healthy. But she implores others to not ignore the red flags. “That’s what I can’t stress enough, if they hit you one time, they’ll do it again... it’s either in them or it’s not,” Jones said. “The man God sent me this time, there’s nothing I could do for him to lay a hand on me, it’s either in you or it’s not.”

October 1, 2010 [3]

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Beyond the

Bruises... Remembering, raising awareness and celebrating Editor’s note: This is the fourth in a four part series on domestic violence. The first part ran in July, part two ran in August and part three ran in September. The series culminates in October to coincide with observance of National Domestic Violence Awareness Month. BY KRIS HILL khill@covingtonreporter.com

This month is about breaking the control of abusers and ending the power of secrecy. October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. It is observed nationally by those who work to help victims, support survivors and make efforts to prevent domestic violence — a phenomenon described by experts as a pattern of coercion and assaultive behaviors that one person uses to gain power and control over an intimate partner or family member.

The history

Nearly 30 years ago, the observance began as the “Day of Unity,” which was conceived by the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, according to information on the Domestic Violence Awareness Project website. The purpose was to connect advocates who were working to stop violence against women and their children across the country.

Soon it became an entire week with events that were as diverse as the sponsors of the programs, but there was a common thread among them all: mourning those who have died at the hands of abusers, celebrating survivors and connecting people who work to end domestic violence. The first DVAM was observed in October 1987 and two years later Congress passed law that designated October as National Domestic Violence Awareness month and it has been re-affirmed every year since. The Day of Unity continues to be observed the first Monday of October.

The significance

While advocates do a great deal to help victims and survivors out throughout the year explained Merril Cousin, executive director of the King County Coalition Against Domestic Violence, DVAM presents “an opportunity to really highlight the issue of domestic violence and try to raise public awareness of the problem and its potential solutions.” During this month, the KCADV hosts its Take Action awards, an effort to honor individuals and organizations who have done something outside of their daily lives or business operations to support survivors of domestic violence. “Our intent in doing that is to give some specific people recognition but also to help give some examples of what

people can do to help,” Cousin said. “We’ve been doing this for 10 years. Over the years we’ve got probably close to 200 stories of what different people and organizations have done. It gives us some really good role models.” Cousin added that research demonstrates that there is an increase in awareness of domestic violence during the past 20 years. “People now understand domestic violence much better than they did 20 or 30 years ago,” she said. “People understand that it’s not OK and most people believe that it needs to stop.” October is also important for those who are in or trying to get out of abusive situations, added Jennifer Quiroz, a community advocate for the South King County YWCA who works with domestic violence victims and survivors. Raising awareness is key. “We want victims and survivors to know that there is help and support, to give them the courage to reach out when they are ready,” Quiroz said. “Additionally, we want people to realize that domestic violence happens every day around them. It could be a family member or a friend and they may not realize it. But, we also want to equip them with the knowledge and resources to help that person when they need it.” Kelly Starr, communications coordinator for the [ more AWARENESS page 4 ]

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[ Awareness from page 3]

Washington State Coalition Against Domestic Violence, said this month is also about using the power of community to fight this problem “Domestic violence affects every one of us,” Starr said. “It’s a community problem we can only solve together. Domestic Violence Awareness Month gives organizations across the country a chance to increase visibility of the issue and engage their communities.” Victoria Throm, who founded the Covington Domestic Violence Task Force, said it’s unfortunate the big push to raise awareness is limited to one month a year. “It’s something that we want to continue all year because... victims live it every day,” Throm said. “The exciting part I see coming up in the direction of our task force is to get more into prevention.” Throm said that while the Covington DVTF has already helped provide 42 bed nights for women and children this year by providing motel vouchers for victims seeking shelter from their abusers, they want to make a push to tackle the issue from another angle. “There’s no more money coming in, there’s not that many more people working in the system,” Throm said. “Which means we have to slow down the number of people coming in the door.” Another approach Throm wants to take is remove the secrecy and stigma of shame that is attached to being abused. “It’s important because there’s a power in secrecy,” she said. “It’s something victims don’t want to talk about. It’s shameful, especially for male victims of abuse, because

people think, ‘How can a male be abused?’ But, that secrecy keeps the abuser powerful.”

Don’t tell a victim to leave

With heightened awareness people want to help, but they don’t know how. Throm said something crucial she learned during advocacy training is to let victims make their own decisions. “Even if it’s the wrong choice, they feel empowered to make that choice and learn from it,” Throm said. “People tend to think it’s a personal issue. They say, ‘I don’t want to get involved. It’s none of my business.’ But it is their business when people are being physically, mentally, emotionally and sexually harmed. You need to be very supportive and listen.” Starr noted that all it takes is a phone call. “Everyone of us — today — can call our local domestic violence program to learn about what they offer, so that when someone turns to you for help or you see something that concerns you, you’ll be ready,” Starr said. “When someone turns to you for support, it’s important to listen, don’t judge, and ask them what kind of support they would find most helpful. Tell them about the local domestic violence program they can call, confidentially, 24 hours a day, to learn about what they have to offer and get help planning for their safety.” Quiroz said there are two goals in working with victims: to help her gain safety and self autonomy. “That is what her abuser has taken from her,” Quiroz said. “On the most basic level you can help by listening to and supporting her, and validating that what is happening to her is abuse. Many victims still in a relationship doubt themselves

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and blame themselves, so a friend or family member can help her understand the dynamics of what has happened.” There are also things to avoid saying while trying to support a victim, she noted. “But its also very important to do this without bad-mouthing the abuser, because if she decides to stay with him or to return to the relationship, you may have closed yourself off to her as a support the next time,” Quiroz said. “Helping a friend or family member can be really difficult and heart-wrenching because she may not be ready to leave and you might be really worried about her. Its important to take care of yourself as well, and perhaps referring her to domestic violence advocacy services is one way to do that.” Quiroz re-iterated the importance of allowing the victim to make her own decisions because it’s important for her journey to freedom from abuse. “You don’t need to be an expert in domestic violence to help a friend or family member,” she said. “Just maintaining that communication with her so she’s not quite so isolated will go a long way to helping her.” Cousin encourages those who wish to help to be patient and understanding because there is no one-size-fits-all solution. “Let the person know that you’re concerned about them, that there is help available and that you’re willing to help them find assistance,” Cousin said. “If you’re going to say one thing to somebody (tell them) that they can call a domestic violence hotline and they can talk to someone on the phone about what’s going on, what their options are, what help may be available. They don’t have to have decided to leave.”

beyond the bruises

Call 206-795-2361 for Support Group information Washington state Domestic Violence Hotline 800-562-6025 The Jennifer Beach Foundation www.jnbfoundation.org 253-630-7193 King County Coalition Against Domestic Violence http://kccadv.org/hotlines.html WASHINGTON STATE COALITION AGAINST DOMESTIC VIOLENCE www.wscadv.org

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