Sternpost Bringing clarity to varnish
Dave Selby reveals the trade secrets behind a perfect varnish finish masts up to 59ft, but that’s not how SAVD works. The most common symptom is that even mild sufferers have a poor grasp of economics and think they’re better off varnishing outside my empty boatshed, which is insensitive and foolhardy because, as everyone knows, yacht varnish was originally developed as a fly paper coating and has over the years been constantly improved by top marine chemists to attract flying insects as big as hedgehogs. If you varnish over live insects that would be cruel. On the other hand, if you varnish over dead ones you’ll end up with a mast that looks like a health food bar. The third option, favoured by marine varnish suppliers and all good chandleries is to rub the varnish off with 12 types of marine-grade sand paper, buy more varnish and sand paper and repeatedly repeat the process. Once you’ve applied the recommended minimum 27 coats you will have achieved tennis elbow. on’t get me wrong, I love wooden boats, as do my brethren Next, without wincing if possible, you should take a moment to of the waterfront trades, because, as the owner of a 60ft by stand back and admire your handiwork and notice how smooth 20ft boat shed, I find that wooden boat owners are among the mast is, but a lot thinner. The benefit of this is that the mast’s my most regular and least troublesome customers. In fact they’re reduced girth requires less varnish, but that’s a false economy, and my only customers, as fibre-glass boat owners are always off if you persist you may end up with a flimsy runner-bean pole at sailing, which is downright disrespectful and of no use to anyone. best, or no mast at all. Apart from not going sailing wooden boat owners are exactly It’s normally round about the bean-pole stage that these wood the same in their lack of respect for our honest endeavours, and worriers sidle up to enquire about shed space, baulk at the affront us further by actually attempting to do work on their boats extremely reasonable rent and head off to buy more extremely themselves, which, as we’ve explained countless times, is beyond expensive varnish and brush restorer. Then, as is the way of the their capabilities and will cost them more in the long run. Worse, punter, they have the affront to ask for varnishing tips, to which I Classic Boat actually encourages this delinquent behaviour. effect an Essex burr and say: “I’s heard of some folk what swear by A while ago alarming news got out on the waterfront that mixing yacht varnish with insect spray. Others reckon on Marmite.” Classic Boat was publishing a “varnishing master class” (CB385). Neither works, but it’s fun watching. Another thing that Naturally, in the spirit of co-operation that exemplifies the Maldon exercises wood worriers is UV damage, which doesn’t happen in waterfront trades, we did our best to buy up every copy, which boatsheds. Basically, if by some miracle they eventually get their impoverished us even further, and left our children without shoes masts varnished and leave them outside, and perhaps even fitted because we had to eat them…the shoes, that is. But that’s of little to a boat, it will only be a question of time before it will peal and consequence because, as ever, our main concern was philanthropic, flake to resemble acne. When pressed I reluctantly reveal my or as we put it, to save boat owners from themselves, so you can solution: “Round here there’s some what mix varnish with imagine our horror when we opened the mag and saw pages of factor 50 sun-block, though others reckon on Marmite,” in-depth libellous factually correct slander on how to do it! It was adding in conspiratorial tones: “But keep it to yerself, it more than reckless because it omitted the only bit of advice the ain’t strictly legal.” yotter needs on varnishing, namely: “For the perfect On one such occasion a posse of varnishers finish pay your trusted artisan to do it, to save accosted me outside my empty shed and accused me yourself money, time and humiliation. End of.” of all manner of things. As they all had tennis elbow Now, as you know, wooden boat owners are in both elbows I wasn’t particularly frightened, so I generally reluctant to get their boats wet, on account countered: “You did use Ambre Solaire, didn’t you? of them being prone to sinking, which obscures the The Super Drug stuff ain’t up to it. There’s others as gloss finish they’ve laboured so hard to achieve. In swear by Marmite.” spite of this, they just can’t help themselves At that one of them stepped forward with his varnishing. And in recent months there’s been a “As everyone varnish brush clamped in his teeth, on account of his major outbreak of the very debilitating affliction arms not working, and growled: “You’re having a known as Seasonally Affected Varnishing Disorder knows, yacht laugh, aren’t you?” (SAVD) outside my boatshed which has space varnish was Next, they stormed off to buy 60ft marquees to available at rates so criminally low I don’t how I do developed from erect over their prone masts. As I write some have it. Like Harry Markle, our sole aim is “to build a flypaper.” nearly finished the footings. You’ve got to admire the better world, one act of compassion at a time.” You lengths some people will go to to avoid sailing. would think a 60ft boat shed is ideal for varnishing
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CLASSIC BOAT SEPTEMBER 2021
