Paul Heiney

Talk of a new National Ship representing Britain abroad has Paul dreaming of a tall ship - the sort of vessel that separates the political chaff from the wheat on a trade mission to foreign lands

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We are going to have a National Ship, or at least it’s on the for cargo ships. Ship designers have finally taken a backward glance to the golden age of sail and, pretending it is a new idea all of their own invention, have embraced as a brave step into the future what we cards if not yet actually on the do most weekends, which is put up stocks. It is to be an emblem sheets of cloth to catch the breeze of Great Britain, proudly flying and thereby avoid burning up the our flag around the world, diesel. We’ve been here before with carrying a bulk cargo of well this idea of using sails, I admit, but fed business people hell bent there’s a new urgency to reduce on getting that elusive overseas the burning of that filthy fuel that contract for bed springs that will ships carry, so this time masts make us the envy of the world. and canvas might just take off.

I have no view on whether this But even if it doesn’t, a sailing ship is a good or a bad use of public does not have to be a throw back money, but I’ll bet you one thing to the days of tarred hemp, scurvy - they’ll get the ship wrong. The and the lash. In the final days of the last thing we need is a poor man’s great square-rigged trading ships, copy of an oligarch’s bath toy; heaven the German-built barques were forbid we end up with a plasticlooking, multi-decked monster built ‘One of our finest exports reckoned to be the most advanced ships of their day employing the best in the style of a vulgar Dubai hotel and using, at a guess, as much fuel has been our sense of technology that was to hand. We could do the same, demonstrating per mile as a moon shot. That is not history and the only vessel that although we no longer rules going to win any hearts, nor any the waves, we can be pretty smart election for a government that cracks to capture that is a Tall ship’ at getting ships to roll over them. a bottle of priceless champagne over I’m afraid I would also keep the its bows. Anyway, some hipster, awash with a fortune Navy’s sticky fingers off it. They are a fighting force, and from the invention of a ‘cool’ app, is always going to build a National Ship should be an instrument of persuasion one bigger, and how proud is our nation’s flag carrier and not intimidation. We want the countries we visit going to stand when eclipsed by a monster built on the to be thrilled at our dignified and stylish arrival, not proceeds of an online betting game involving Smarties? nervous. The National Ship sails in peace. So instead

Given the insistence that this is going to be an engine- of gold-braided captains and crew let us seek out those driven ship, where should we look for inspiration? who understand the practice and the strengths of sail

Might the fictional Vital Spark, the ever unreliable training for young people - the Ocean Youth Trust comes

Clyde Puffer of Neil Munro’s stories, be a good to mind - and let them inspire those who might benefit working model? It may have been a pretty hopeless most from learning to hand, reef and steer, acquiring vessel but it was endearing, and there are more ways much needed self-respect and dignity in the process. to win contracts than one, and a Puffer might at And there’s one other good use for a National Tall least produce a bit of sympathy for our cause. Ship. There is no better way to get the measure of

The purpose of this National Ship, as I understand a person than by sending them to sea. It has a way it, is to turn heads, create admiration, rekindle respect, of washing away veneer to reveal the true person and generally make people feel good about Britain when beneath. Blaggards can become cowards when faced she appears above the horizon. If so, may I point out with the ocean’s anger; yet the diffident and nervous that one of our strongest exports has always been our can often find unimagined heroism. So if it should be sense of history and tradition, and that the only vessel anyone’s boastful wish to crave high office and run the with enough symbolism to capture that is a Tall ship. country, might not a few hours lashed to the wheel

Don’t groan, you modernists. Sails are on the way back. while the barometer drops, reveal if they might, or

Only last week I read that in these ever greener times, sails might not, be up to the job. If it only achieved that, a are being seriously considered as additional propulsion National Ship would be well worth the money.

ILLUSTRATION: CLAIRE WOOD