The Cheese Grater THE OTHER MAGAZINE OF UCL UNION Issue 35 — Autumn 2012

MALCOLM BANGS HIS GAVEL This and more in our UCLU round-up

HAVE YOU GOT THE LURGY? Exploring the life cycle of Freshers’ Flu

www.cheesegratermagazine.org @UCLCheeseGrater

UCL STRATFORD:

FULL STEAM AHEAD

LIZO THE LIONHEART Extract from a new literary work

IT’S A BLOKE’S WORLD Guest column by Danny Wallace

TURTLE RECALL Gap Year students contribute to African unemployment

DOCUMENTING THE PEAS PROCESS The diaries of Gregor Mendel

FORGIVE ME FATHER FOR I HAVE SINNED Confessions from the upstanding members of the UCL community

Plans for the Newham campus Oscar Webb UCL’s proposal for a new £1bn “university quarter” in Stratford was rubber stamped by Newham Council and the Mayor of Newham, Sir Robin Wales, last Thursday despite objections from local residents. The 700 people who live on the Carpenters estate will be forced off if UCL’s plans go ahead. Not being allowed into the public viewing gallery, many Carpenters residents picketed the town hall as the decision was being made. The 23 acre site in Stratford is approximately the same size as UCL’s current Bloomsbury

location and, if it goes ahead, represents a very significant expansion for UCL. The Provost, Professor Malcolm Grant, has said that the new campus will not be a “an east London satellite” of the Bloomsbury campus, but a new “research led hub” in itself. Teaching facilities, research labs and accommodation for both UCL students and non-UCL residents are included in the plans. Reaction to the decision was strong amongst Carpenters residents. One woman shouted repeatedly: “They’re grabbing our land!” Mary Finch, a retiree who lives on the estate, described the decision as “terrible”. (Cont’d on Pg 3)

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Down Your Union Norman De Plume The Union’s autumn elections saw a group of overwhelmingly left-wing faces elected into Union council and the trustee board. Luke Durigan, previous Education and Campaigns Officer, was elected trustee. Ben Towse was elected Post Graduate Officer, as well as a member of UCLU’s NUS delegation along with Hannah Webb - UCLU Community Officer. Numerous other left-wingers were elected into various faculty rep positions. Islamic Soc also did well, having about nine members elected into positions. The Tories didn’t lose out either - five of the candidates they backed won. Some old UCLU favourites lost out. Jules Leclair, last year’s losing candidate for Ethics, Environment and Operations Officer, lost again - this time for trustee despite beginning his campaign early and purchasing advertising space on Facebook!

What’s a ULU? It’s campaigning season at University of London Union with seven candidates running for ULU president. The contest is a by-election to replace Sean Rillo Racza, the president-elect who resigned for unexplained “personal reasons”. Three candidates are from UCL: Michael Chessum, Will Hall and Ben Maguire. Chessum and Hall are old rivals from the left and right within UCLU. Maguire has no real reputation so to speak of within the union. The Honourable William Hall – son of Lord Hall of Birkenhead - was president of UCL Tories in 2010-11 when infighting and financial problems brought the society to the brink of collapse. The previous year, Hall and other members disgraced themselves at an Oxford Union Conservative Association Port and Policy event when sexist remarks were exposed by the national press. He’s since been elected a Tory councillor in Henley, despite being on his year abroad in Italy – duly flying back to attend council. Comrade Chessum is well known for his leadership of the anti-fees and cuts movement in autumn 2010 when UCLU Education and Campaigns Officer. He has joined the race after two failed attempts to

become NUS Vice President. Considering ULU’s generally left-leaning electorate, it’s unlikely the final showdown will include a Tory aristo candidate. It will likely be a contest between Chessum and centrist liberal Gala Jackson-Coombs, former president of Heythrop College and current editor of their newspaper, The Lion. Whatever the result, if turnout is as low as last time - one per cent - the winning candidate can hardly claim to have a real mandate.

Judge, Jury and Executioner On attending UCL Academic Board - the committee for all professors in the college - you might well get the impression that the chair, Provost, Professor Malcolm Grant, has no respect for the opinions of his fellow academics. At last week’s Academic Board Grant cut off Ben Towse, who was speaking, screaming “Order! Order!” and would not let him finish his point, to the shock of other members of the Board. When Towse next got a chance to speak he said: “I would ask Grant not to scream at members of Academic Board”, which was followed by replies of “here, here!” from fellow academics. On the subject of Statute 18 reform - which would make it easier for UCL to make academic staff redundant - a vote was held to scrap the changes altogether; with a show of hands, there was an approximate fifty-fifty split for and against. Grant ignored calls from some academics for a vote on the voting pads provided and moved on to other business. Another vote was held on whether UCL Council should stall making a vote on the changes to Statute 18 for two weeks, which passed almost unanimously. On this decision, Grant said he would merely “consider” the wishes of the Board. So much for democracy.

Space Race UCL Union are on tenterhooks over

Society Bitch Editor of the Tory Society magazine, The Caerulean, George Pender was overheard at a Tory Society dinner defending Enoch Powell, claiming he wasn’t a racist. Other subjects for discussion at the dinner included one member’s relations with “prostitutes”. Figures released by UCLU show that the richest society in the union is Boat Club, with a staggering yearly grant of £26,000 and that’s not including what they make from sponsorship. The poorest society is Indonesian Society, receiving a paltry £1 yearly. American Society and Russian Society’s ‘Cold War treasure hunt’ was called off last week due to cold weather, which was, needless to say, ironic. The main room of the Clubs and Societies Centre continues to be shut due to a leaking roof. The room, that serves no real function other than a place for Pi to hold their meetings, has been closed since the beginning of term, the showers and toilets from Bloomsbury fitness above apparently leaking water into it. UCL’s “space utilisation survey”. The survey is designed re-allocate under-used space. UCLU Ethics, Environment and Operations officer, told this magazine of her concern that some of the Union’s space will be re-allocated and student services will suffer. Under a different scheme UCLU will lose the Garage Theatre - home of UCLU’s small productions - later this year, college re-allocating it to the Bartlett. As UCLU does not own any of the space it uses and has no formal agreement with UCL, College can take away Union space at will. UCLU is currently speaking to Rex Knight - Vice Provost Operations - about having a formal leaseholder agreement for UCLU, but more direct action might be in the pipeline; Union Council noted two weeks ago that if any Union space is threatened, there would be grounds to occupy it.

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Et Tu, ULU?

Divisions deepen between London Student Editor and University of London Union Oscar Webb ULU Senate’s relations with London Student Editor, Jen Izaakson, turned nasty at the last meeting when Queen Mary Students’ Union president, Babs Williams, confronted Izaakson and other LS writers calling them “dickheads” and saying “I fucking hate student journalists” before being ushered out of the room by ULU Vice President, Daniel Lemberger Cooper. The abusive words come after months of souring relations between many in ULU Senate and the LS Editor during which Senators have become more and more critical of Izaakson. And though grievances with the Editor have descended at times into groundless insults - the Courtauld Student Union vice-president called her a fascist they nonetheless have their basis in her actions as editor. A ULU Senate meeting on 14th September rejected Izaakson’s report - a (Cont’d from Pg 1) Joe Alexander, member of campaign group Carpenters Against Regeneration Plans, took a long-game perspective saying “the mayor was always intent on gentrifying the area - UCL are just the newest partners in this.” Tony Bird, independent advisor to the residents, advised UCL in a flurry of indignation: “you have to fuck off, or you are going to have a war on your hands”. UCL academics have also criticised UCL’s plans in Stratford. Michael Edwards, a lecturer in the Bartlett School of Planning, takes issue with the loss of social housing, severely lacking in London and especially Newham, that would follow the demolition of Carpenters’ estate. He tweeted “Of all the sites in London, why would UCL choose the one which displaces a community? #Carpenters” and went on to tweet that the loss of social housing represented a “great disaster.” UCL’s “Urban

summary of what the editor has been doing and plans to do – by a vote of 6-6. Some in ULU Senate had issues with the composition of Izaakson’s editorial team. Only five new editors were brought onto the LS editorial team this year, ten staying on from last year. Some senators claimed that Izaakson had not advertised editorial positions to newcomers properly, if at all, appearing to allow the majority of last year’s section editors to stay on by default. One senator from Royal Holloway described this as “undemocratic”. Senators were also annoyed at Izaakson planning to spend £700 − 75 percent of the paper’s budget developing an iPhone app, despite senators making clear it could be developed for a lot less. Izaakson has since found someone to develop the app for free, making the initial sum seem rather large. Izaakson came under intense criticism from several London students’ unions

Laboratory” a cross-department think-tank on urban planning, last week released a statement which inferred UCL and Newham’s current path was unethical, saying that ethical regeneration is only possible if it is “community led”, recognising the project so far had not been community led. Considering the cost of the development - £1bn projected - and taking into account the £500m going into the “Bloomsbury Masterplan”, UCL’s spending looks set to soar over the coming years. Despite predicted budget shortfalls in the future (see ‘The First Cut is the Deepest’ CG 28), not to mention the £1bn a year black hole in university funding created by the new fees regime, UCL seems to be steaming ahead with its grand scheme regardless of its potential unsustainably. The redevelopment of Carpenters takes away from residents with one hand whilst giving big perks to its leading architects with the other. The regeneration of the site not only fits in with

after publishing a trans-phobic article by an LSE student. Royal Holloway SU described the article as “hate speech” and LSE’s SU temporarily removed copies of the paper in order to insert a statement asking Izaakson to publicly apologise. Student union officials from across ULU criticised Izaakson on Twitter. One UCLU Council member tweeted that the article was a “bigoted slur” and others called for an apology but the Editor brushed the criticism off tweeting it was trolling by the “ultra-left”, before accusing Alex-Peters Day, LSE General Secretary, of attacking her. Engagement with new writers also appears to be a problem for the Editor. One aspiring writer for “Queer Corner” Tali Janner-Klausner had her article, written as a critical response to Izaakson’s column on gay marriage, rejected by Izaakson and the section editor Alice Golder on grounds it was a “personal attack” on the Editor.

and I thought the customers were slimy

iOS6 update leads to confusion between Grant Museum of Zoology and Spearmint Rhino Gentleman’s Club the supposed “Olympic Legacy”, but also conveniently with that of both Sir Robin Wales and our soon to be departing Provost. The Stratford campus is sure to work wonders for Grant’s reputation as a public servant and if the pri-

vatisation of the health service in his new role as chair of the NHS’s Commissioning Board doesn’t get him on the next honors list then doubling the size of the university certainly will.

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Freshers’ Flu Life Cycle The Freshers’ Flu virus arises spontaneously at the start of each academic year, condensing in to existence from the mysterious miasmas that circulate Euston Station. By this point the host has reached a critical level of grogginess and self-pity, causing them to weep uncontrollably. It is now that the viruses are able to escape via the tear-duct, free to infect more victims. The host will now either make a full recovery or die.

The virus enters its chosen victim through the left ear, allowing it easy access to the nose.

Once real, the virus actively seeks out its prey – deliberately floating around areas frequented by the weak and infirm, like UCH or Moonies.

From here it then burrows down to the host’s voice box, causing the victim to ‘chat shit’ like, “Yes, I do find Miranda Hart really funny”

baby flu virus

Artist’s impression of a flu virus (not to scale) Her job done, the mother Flu particle exits the body and retires to Cornwall, where she takes her own life.

Once matured, the mother Flu particle leads her offspring down the optic nerve to the eyeball – heroically fighting off opportunistic white blood cells hell bent on nabbing her babies.

The Flu then descends to the spleen where it takes a little rest, before climbing back up to the brain to spawn a shed load of baby Flu particles. This causes incoherent grogginess and a craving for mango flavoured smoothies in the host.

Flu Facts •

Freshers’ Flu is believed to have originated in the ferret population, but was able to jump species in the 1960’s after someone accidentally rubbed their face on a ferret. (Ferrets became much more socially acceptable in the 60’s due to the sexual revolution)

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Freshers’ Flu has killed more people than World War One

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Nicole Kidman’s character suffers from an aggressive form of Freshers’ Flu in the film Moulin Rouge, leading to tragic consequences

Stratford Slang UCL’s moving — here’s an idiot’s guide to East End lingo Hampton Wick • “Some tea leaf ’s nicked my dog and bone” – “A thief has stolen my mobile phone.” This may well happen, and you’ve got more chance of getting it back if you ask the locals rather than the police. During the war, dogs were used as telephone operators to free up men to fight at the front.

this one in to gently remind the nice person serving you that they better get it right; nobody wants Pepsi when they ordered a Coke. Pete Tong still plays in Ibiza despite being clearly too old, making him synonymous with everything that is wrong, and anyone eating brown bread in the East End tends to be either a mug or a hobo.

• “If this is Pete Tong, you’re brown bread!” – “If this is wrong, you’re dead.” Throw

• “Shut your north and south, you berk, you’re elephant’s. You’ve got Richard all

down your new chinos.” – “Shut your mouth, you cunt, you’re drunk. You’ve got shit all down your new chinos.” This one’s simple, perfect for summing up the end of another night out socialising. North and south? Mouth. Berkeley Hunt was widely agreed to be the biggest cunt in London, an Elephant’s trunk can down a pint in 3 seconds, and Richard III was renowned for being unable to control his bowels, leading to the nickname ‘Richard the Turd’.

Contributors: Alex Daish, James Donaldson-Briggs, Nathaniel Frankland, Bo Franklin, Eddy Hare, Charlie Hayton, Michael Hindley, Will Rowland, Aijin Wang, Oscar Webb, Madeline Wee, and Hana White.

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Mzimba, Actually We present an extract of a new work by London author Edgar Haseltine, loosely based on the life of an undisclosed children’s TV presenter. Chapter I The Hunt Begins Lizo Mzimba checked his watch. “Lectures should have finished by now, but where are the ladies?” he asked himself out loud. A cleaner entered the far end of Phineas with a mop and bucket. “Hello!” Lizo exclaimed, standing up hurriedly. In his excitement Lizo had stood up too quickly; he was dizzy and had to sit back down for a bit. Acknowledging that he couldn’t go over to the man, Lizo shouted, “Where are all the freshers? I’m a fresher!” “They shouldn’t be long, Carlsberg is on for £1 ‘till 9pm tonight.” “I know. A very reasonable price.” Lizo replied, “I guess I’ll just wait here then.” He reached into his pocket and began to thumb his first generation iPod, a generous gift from the Newsround production team following the success of his seminal Newsround feature, ‘What’s an iPod!?’ in 2001. He pulled it out and began listening to Hard-Fi. At this moment, two boys entered the bar and placed themselves at the adjacent table to Lizo with a pitcher of Carlsberg. The pitcher had cost them £4 because Carlsberg was only £1 per pint until 9pm. The two boys glanced at Lizo, and being members of the ‘Newsround generation’, recognized him instantly. They conferred with each other and decided to approach him. “Are you alright there, Lizo? We were wondering if you fancied joining us, we’ve got a pitcher over there.” Lizo hadn’t noticed the boys, and was sporadically nodding his head to the music. “Yep, living for the weekend! That’s me!” said Lizo. “Lizo, how about a drink?” the other boy asked, louder. “Oh! No thanks lads, I’m actually pretty busy over here.” Lizo pulled out 3 pennies from his pocket, arranged them in a triangle on the table and began to play penny football against himself.

Indifferent, the boys returned to their table and were soon joined by a group of their friends – three girls. Lizo, 2-1 down in the game, pocketed his iPod, picked up his pennies and walked proudly over to the table. “Lizo Mzimba, from the BBC. Mind if I join you, ladies?” Lizo dragged his stool over and began to regale them with stories of his own achievements. One such story was of how he had once ‘beat up a giant monkey’ that had escaped from the set of Steve Backshall’s Deadly 60, but one of the boys was quick to point out that Deadly 60 was filmed entirely on location. As the night came to an end and the bar was closing up, Lizo invited the girls back to his apartment, an offer not extended to the boys.

Chapter II Into The Lion’s Den “Take a seat, ladies, there are loads of seats in my apartment! I’ll just get us some drinks!” There was one sofa, which the girls sat on. They could hear Lizo rummaging around next door. “Yep, I’ve got a great cock for anal!” Lizo shouted from the kitchen. “What?” “Oh, sorry. I thought you asked me a question.” He explained. The girls conferred uncomfortably about what they had just heard. Lizo followed it up with, “Yep, it’s not very long but it’s quite thick!” Before waiting for a reply, he added, “Sorry, I thought you asked me another question.” Lizo entered the room carrying a tray of full pint glasses. “I hope you ladies like orange juice! I’ve only got orange juice.” “Oh, orange juice is great.” The girls were starting to feel particularly uncomfortable. “It is, isn’t it?!” Lizo replied, enthusiastically.

In The Name of Love Edgar Haseltine In The Name of Love by Edgar Haseltine is available from Haseltine Publishing £17.99 RRP He picked up an empty basket from the coffee table, and disappeared back into the kitchen. Surveying their surroundings, the girls noticed several bins around the room, each containing a heaped pile of orange peel. Lizo came back with a basket full of oranges. “Have an orange!” without waiting for a response, Lizo threw an orange at each of them. In the time it took each of them to eat one orange, Lizo had eaten seven. “I feel great! How about another one, ladies?” Lizo asked, picking up the basket with both hands and leaning towards them. “I think we’re alright, thanks, in fact we should probably be goi-” “Oh but I’ve already put a pizza in the oven, stay for the pizza?” said Lizo, “Well I suppose we could stay for a piz-“ “Excellent!” Lizo interrupted, “it should be ready now!” Lizo scurried into the kitchen. The girls, with their host out of the room, quietly crept down the hall and escaped through the door. “Pizza!” Lizo emerged from the kitchen and the front door slammed. Noticing his guests had left, he slumped onto his one sofa and began to eat his pizza. The pizza, however, hadn’t been cooked at all – Lizo had just eaten another orange and scattered the peel on top of the raw margherita.

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Danny Wallace Is A Bloke An exciting collaboration with revered journal ShortList Danny Wallace I am standing in my agent’s office. “I’ve just had a request to do a guest editorial in a UCL magazine”, I tell my agent. “But I’ve no idea what to write.” “Well I can tell you one thing: don’t insult their intelligence by filling your piece with line after line of reported speech just to fill up your word count”, says Phil. Phil is my agent. His full name is Phil Harry Marston, but I call him Phil because I know him- he’s my agent. I tell Phil that UCL students are a more discerning lot than your average ShortList reader so I will have to write something of substance; something to make these young, enquiring minds think. “You”, begins Phil, “are”, he continues, “a” he goes on to say, “master” he says, “of spinning tenuous ideas out over three hundred”, Phil muses, “words” he concludes. “That’s true”, I confess, “but what about the

weighty subject matter?” “Weighty-schmeighty” replies Phil, usefully using two more words. “You can write any load of old rubbish so long as you mention the cuts, Michael Gove, Aung San Suu Kyi, cheap beer, cheap housing, beans on toast, pictures of cats on the internet and Noam Chomsky.” “Great!” I say, feverishly scribbling in my Moleskine. As I scribble I mutter the words out loud: “cuts...Gove...Thailand lady...beer... beans...Noel Chomley”. Phil finds this particular habit of mine annoying. “I find that particular habit of yours annoying”, he says. “Something else I’ve heard about is things being ‘meta’. Do you think that’s got legs?” I ask. “Meta is huge with students!” he says, “But what does it mean exactly?” “I think it’s something to do with pausing live TV or Twitter,” I venture. Like if you watch

TV normally that’s normal, but if you watch it later, that’s meta and if you watch something and tweet about it, that’s meta as well. “You’re probably right,” says Phil. “Now we’ve established that do you think you have enough ammunition to write the column?” “Totes!” I grin. Then I do a quick word count and realise I’m already at 350! Sometimes this crap writes itself! (Invoice enclosed – DW)

Danny Wallace is the author of How I Sold This Book To Hollywood

Africa Has A Problem Are gap-year students to blame? You decide! They are. Ima Farce Thousands of Africans have been protesting in the streets of Africa demanding African jobs for African people. They’ve been angered by an influx of migrant workers from privileged areas of London and the home counties seeking bullshit to put on their personal statements and show off about during freshers’ week. Joshua, a recently sacked Angolan man, told us his story. “I used to work at the local Turtle Sanctuary, but couldn’t compete with unskilled gap year students who’d not only work for free but would actually pay for the ‘enriching cultural experience’! I lost my job to a spotty teen called Hugo, who had no previous experience in turtle domination or even had basic turtle recall skills. Now the turtles are no longer properly protected from poachers and I have no money to feed my family. It’s so sad.” He said, tucking into a large turtle salad. Gap year students themselves however, remain blissfully unaware of the discontent they’re sowing. Bedfordshire-born Jennifer decided to spend her year off in the Demo-

cratic Republic of Congo. “I came to the Congo looking for Joseph Kony, and when I found him he gave me a job! Well, more like an unpaid internship – similar to the ones they offer at HSBC.” She describes her role in Kony’s militia as ‘team motivator’. “Militia work can be tough. So I’m here to instil a bit of fun and energy into the organisation. Whooo! Let’s go guys!” Suddenly Jennifer produces a stereo playing ‘Call

Me Maybe’ and begins dancing around the camp, to which three Ugandans start sharpening their machetes. Some young Londoners are critical of their fellow countrymen. “It’s a lot of money to work in Africa. You don’t have to travel all that way just to help a deprived community with different a culture or language. Next summer I’m working in a Wetherspoons in Glasgow. I can’t wait.”

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The Secret Diary Of Gregor Mendel A new translation of the geneticist’s writings by Rachel Growler November, 1852 My father caught me kissing Brigitta in the compost heap. He is displeased and has instructed me to take up a hobby. I have decided to breed wasps. I will be selecting for speed, aggression and strength of sting. February, 1853 My wasp breeding has had unexpected results. Frau Maria Shmidt from the village visited our house to complain about the buzzing and the wasps stung her head off. My father has instructed me to enter a monastery so I can no longer embarrass the family. June, 1854 Life in the monastery is difficult. The clothes are shapeless and the banter is stale. Friar Braun throws his rubbish at me and says because I touched it last I have to put it in the bin. I seek solace in the garden, amongst the peas.

July, 1854 I have begun to breed the peas in the grounds of the abbey. With rigorous experimentation I have determined that when two peas have sex they make a baby pea. I have sent a letter full of peas to the University of Vienna, but am yet to hear back. May, 1860 Things have escalated into weirdness. It began by breeding white-flowering peas with purple-flowering peas, then peas with ants and, well, now I have bred a pea with a dog. I have named the offspring Harold. He is green and unhappy.

January, 1884 I have been struck ill with a severe and unpleasant malady. The doctors say it will pass I fear that there is something fundamentally toxic within the peas. Will we ever truly understand how a pea works? Certainly not, but what they can teach us about the world in invaluable. If I have seen further than most, it is by standing on the shoulders of a pea.

October, 1864 Just when I thought things could not get any odder, blow me down, they have. I have been working very closely with the peas for such a long time and well, one thing leads to another, and needless to say, I am banging the peas. This is a definite low.

Large Glass Plinth Solves All Of University’s Problems JD Becchio UCL is still reeling from the incredible success of the installation of a large piece of glass in the Wilkins building. Only constructed this summer, the unit has already brought over 850 billion dollars’ worth of investment into the university. One of the investors, wealthy North American business tycoon Hilary McShafter, explained his decision to The Cheese Grater “Well, originally I was in Britain to invest in Imperial’s new research department – set up to investigate where all their women have gone. But first I decided to swing by my favourite café in all of London – the Costa in the basement of Waterstones on Torrington Place. I was on my way there when I passed this incredible transparent plinthlike structure. I remember thinking to myself, ‘Hilary, these people know their

shit.’ I wrote out the cheque there and then. Imperial were pissed, though. I had Robert Winston calling me up, giving me all this BS like, ‘You wanker. You promised us that money. We’ve been shafted.’ And I was like, ‘No, you’ve been McShafted! BOOM!’ And then I hung up.” The installation has also had a marked impact on student morale, as sociology student Jeff told us. “When I first started at UCL I felt lonely and depressed. I had no friends, no family and my pet iguana had just died. Things were looking bleak. But then I saw the large glass plinth and well, I broke down. To behold such beauty, such intense beauty, I collapsed there and then in a fit of hysteric euphoria. Later it turned out that I was actually having a huge nervous breakdown, but that doesn’t detract from the awesome power of the plinth.”

Glass Plinth: Euphoric A senior source from UCL management gave us her thoughts on the plinth. “At UCL we’ve always pioneered radical new initiatives, from secular teaching to the idea of an underground karaoke bar. The large glass plinth fits exactly with this ethos. I bet if Jeremy Bentham were alive today, he’d look up at it and say ‘Hot-damn, that’s a good looking glass plinth.’”

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Haiku D’état Above your head but below your notice, they shit bloody everywhere.  Feathers grey, dirty, diseased, but still such a bloody nuisance.  Crapping on heads and clothes, ruins your day. Good luck my bloody arse.  I know their secret. Plotting away. Conspiring. Those bloody schemers.  If they seize the means of production, we’re screwed. Bloody socialists.  Bodies in ours streets, pigeons in our parliament. A bloody nightmare.  Well, I for one, won’t let them. I won’t stand for it, you bloody bastards.  I have to stop them. Desperate measures, if I bloody well must.  Going to Trafalgar. A bag of poisoned feed. Bloody well teach them.  Strike at their heart. Before it’s too late. I’ll be a bloody hero, right?

UCL Confessions

SHOCKING REVELATIONS from the ONLINE SENSATION —I told everybody in freshers’ week that I am 6’6”. I’m only 5’8” but I have to go along with the lie now. —I crossed Euston Road not when the little man in the light was solid green, but when he was all blinky. —I booted my hallmate’s omelette over a wall because someone double dared me. —I post anonymously on student confessions websites to validate my morally reprehensible behaviour. —l can’t read. —I DROPPED A LUMP OF PEANUT BUTTER ON MY CAPSLOCK KEY. —I used to be a baby.

—Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I enjoyed Skyfall so much that when James Bond was doing that thing to that lady, I thought it were me. —I have just caused 700 people to lose their homes. —Yeah, I’ve got a confession alright! I’ve never told anyone this but I bloody love socks! They keep your feet clean and warm. They come in colours like red and blue. My mother buys them for me, and herself. I love my mum but not as much as I love socks. Socks can become puppets. When I’m really bored, I talk to my sock puppets. So come on world, when is this love of mine going to catch on? —I write articles to fill space in student magazines at the expense of my junior writers.

UCL UNION CHEESE GRATER MAGAZINE SOCIETY President and Editor—Will Rowland Investigations Editor—Oscar Webb Humour Editor—James Donaldson-Briggs

editor@cheesegratermagazine.org investigations@cheesegratermagazine.org humour@cheesegratermagazine.org

© UCL Union, 25 Gordon Street, London WC1H 0AY. The views expressed herein are not necessarily those of UCL Union or the editor.