Cheese Grater Magazine - issue 34

The Cheese Grater The award-winning student magazine of UCL Union

Issue 34 - March 2012

THIS MONTH ‘Exclusive’: Buzz Shit Student journalists misuse ‘exclusive’ p.4

TV Wonder

Part-time Provost, full-time badass

www.cheesegratermagazine.org

COLLEGE CALLS IN THE

BULLDOZERS No. 25 March 2010

A spectre is haunting East London’s council estates – the spectre of UCL’s Newham Campus

p.5

Digital Monster

I’ve got Windows 98 problems, but the bit ain’t one p.6

For Whom The Bell Tolls

Shitting on the John p.6

Womb 101

Expect the Unexpected...Baby p.7

Pepper Picking Provokes Predicament Shergar Holmes investigates p.8

The Last Article

End of The Cheese Grater p.8

Oscar Webb UCL’s proposed Newham campus is being challenged by the local community. Residents on the Carpenters Estate oppose the UCL-Newham Borough Council plan, which would see their homes demolished and their community disbanded.

They intend to take legal action against the Tenants Management Organisation overseeing the consultation process.

UCL has been in negotiations with Newham Council since last November, when they signed a contract to explore the possibility of a new campus adjacent to the Olympic Park. Back then UCL insisted that residents would be consulted, though interaction with the community has been limited to a handful of ‘community drop in sessions’ – where residents could hear but not comment on plans – and a public meeting in Janu-

ary, which many residents were forcibly barred from entering by hired bouncers.

Consultation? What consultation?

The consultation process is being conducted by Carpenters’ TMO, which consists of an elected board of residents and a full time staff funded by Newham Council. (Cont’d pg 2)

2 The Cheese Grater March 2012

SOCIETY FRUMP President Ayub Hanif is attempting to turn Debating Soc into his own personal fiefdom by pushing ahead with plans to host ‘controversial womaniser’ Dominique Strauss-Kahn on his comeback tour of British universities despite opposition from at least five committee members. Apparently not content with his ‘G7’ associations to electioneering, Hanif also recently encouraged the editor of this magazine to publish an article criticising one of his potential successors before the society AGM. This hopeful would later lose by a single vote following some aggressive questioning from Hanif in what ultimately looked like a bit of a stitch-up. Hanif is also known to refer to fellow committee members with the infuriating possessive “my”.

The Conservative Soc AGM was mired by classic Tory infighting as President Sam Firth was openly accused of election-rigging by other members of the committee. Firth, who seems to spend a great deal of time plotting the downfall of those around him, was described as “unfit for the leadership” by committee members Matthew Gibbard and Jack Aldridge, who spend a comparable amount of time plotting against Firth.

Plus ça change.

In a clandestine act of night-time skulduggery, Pi Newspaper head honcho Kit Weaver (and accomplices) attempted to pilfer toilet paper from the Gordon’s Cafe toilets. While his co-editor Ava Lloyd apprehensively waited outside, Weaver and co. attempted to make off with as much UCLU loo roll as they could get their thieving hands on.

ELECTIONS BITCH Campaigning almost came to blows as Sabeeh Rasul, Activities Officer-elect, threatened to lay hands on International Officer also-ran and David “Brucie” Morris supporter Edvard Nore. Apparently Rasul felt that Morris was not the better candidate. Bitch wishes that these boys would just play nicely, and hopes to see Rasul use his officer term to lay down policy on bare-knuckle boxing in the quad.

No election is without scandal, and plenty was provided by Sam Page’s supporters. The candidate for WIO found that, allegedly in jest, she had been accused of hating lesbians on her Facebook support group. As this transferred its way to graffiti on her posters, the scrawler was given an official written warning.

While some favour posters, some novelty costumes and others purely the support of Isoc, Jordan Mcbee took a new angle on campaigning by buying pitchers of beer in return for votes. Bitch, who frequents far classier establishments than the Huntley, hears whispers from the bar of Mcbee’s card being turned down for his £64 booze bill of a Wednesday evening.

Hey, big spender...

(cont’d pg 1) Asked why bouncers were hired for the UCL meeting, Eddy Ben, Chairman of the TMO board, said: “there were threats of disruption so we made sure there wasn’t any disruption.” He also detailed how residents wishing to enter the meeting had to sign terms and conditions set by the TMO.

Paul Reeves the riot act Paul Reeves, originally hired by the TMO as an independent advisor to liaise with residents was sacked following alleged misconduct. Ben claimed that Reeves was dismissed after a meeting in which he “lost the plot completely” but refused to explain further. When contacted Reeves declined to comment, but residents believe that his dismissal was a result of his doing ‘too good a job’ for the Council’s liking. Joe Alexander, Vice Chair of Carpenters Against Regeneration Plans has described Reeves as their “unsung hero”.

Un-chartered territory The consultation process boils down to the drafting of a Residents’ Charter that sets out the Council’s obligations if regeneration takes place. Reeves had submitted a draft in July. The draft currently under scrutiny by the Council has been significantly amended by Reeves’s successor Tony Bird, amid cries of opposition from residents.

Bird’s removal of a clause stipulating that the Charter would be legally binding means that the current draft requires only the Council’s ‘commitment’ to respect residents’ wishes. The Council is therefore not obliged to prevent the break-up of the estate, nor provide the opportunity for current residents to return after regeneration is complete.

If it does go ahead, the Council would no longer be obliged to take into consideration the demands of freeholders who as of November 2011 represented 35 percent of the estate’s residents.

According to Eddy Ben, they are not eligible for representation.

However, the rules that stipulate this have not been made available to members of CARP or this magazine.

Small Fish in a Big Pond CARP was established last year when residents became disillusioned with the TMO’s consultation process and Reeves’s dismissal. It has in excess of sixty members – over one fifth of residents. Alexander has described the regeneration project as “social cleansing”.

Following his dismissal, Reeves and a number of residents sent a letter to the Council and TMO, stating that the TMO and consultation were “null and void” and should be “immediately disbanded and reformed.” It stated: “there is a serious risk of successful legal actions on breach of contract (at least) against the TMO and the Council by residents.” The letter accuses the TMO of “misuse of or recklessness in spending Housing Revenue Account resources” and the chair of the working group of attempting to crush dissent in meetings.

Residents accuse the TMO of acting unconstitutionally in league with Newham Council, who want regeneration to proceed.

CARP intends to take legal action against the TMO and is rallying support among other campaign groups. With Newham Council’s regeneration of Canning Town resulting in the demolition of 800 council houses, Carpenters residents have good reason to be worried.

On Tuesday 20th March, Union Council passed a motion 19-1 that committed UCLU to press College to take more humane action. Representatives will also partake in non-violent direct action.

March 2012 The Cheese Grater 3

It’s Not Personal, It’s Just Buzz-iness Misdirection and possible plagiarism by UCL’s online tabloid John Bell In their “exclusive” coverage of the UCLU elections The Buzz managed to announce the wrong result – naming David “Brucie” Morris the winner of the Student Activities Officer race. While this embarrassing mistake was swiftly deleted without a correction, The

Buzz did choose to correct a different mistake, writing: “Elsewhere there was victory for Sam Gaus in the high profile Democracy and Communications Officer role as he defeated Ava Lloyd by over 1,000 votes. Correction: The margin of defeat for Ava Lloyd was 600 votes, including votes docked for early campaigning.”

In fact, Lloyd had only been docked 75 votes for early campaigning, making the above arithmetic impossible.

The misreporting was presumably based on a typo on the Cheese Grater Twitter account, which amid the excitement of seeing current Humour Editor Sam Gaus elected to DCO reported that he had picked

up 2,171 rather than 1,271 votes to Lloyd’s 656. While our mistake was quickly corrected, and not carried over to the results article, The Buzz not only apparently plagiarised our work for their “exclusive”, but then saw fit to mistakenly defend their reporting rather than owning up.

Down Your Elections Lifting the lid on the Left’s bonanza Norman De Plume Left-wing, anti-cuts and all round commie candidates have completed a palace coup, winning a clean sweep of sabbatical positions in the UCL Union elections. Red Baron Michael Chessum said: “Anyone who thought that left-wing politics was a ‘tiny minority’ of students has been roundly defeated tonight.”

Bloc party

In fact, some of the results were very close – and none more so than the Welfare and International contest where Sam Page was pipped

by Candy Ashmore-Harris and her razor-thin margin of 13. Left wing candidates were also helped by a change in UCLU elections regulations, which allowed ‘slate’ campaigning for the first time. This meant that the left-wing cabal was able to essentially run as one big team, telling students who to vote for across the board. If more than a dozen different candidates (many

part-time winners were also in the gang) all provide cross-support, it can be difficult for outsiders to gain a foothold. Candidates such as David Bruce Morris and Ava Lloyd were certainly not underdogs going into voting, and yet were soundly thrashed by their left-wing competitors – a lack of coordination certainly didn’t help.

wonders whether The Buzz glossed over where the real power lies. The lack of competiton in races between Left candidates and those from Isoc has even led to unsubstantiated allegations of electioneering between the two factions.

The potential problem is a climate in which it is impossible to win an election without the backing Isoc it to me of the right people, dragging the young idealists of the student The second great boon for the political world into the grimy cave Left was the continued support of of Realpolitik. Isoc have carved out a UCLU Islamic Society, who may at clear niche as kingmaker. first seem unlikely bedfellows, but they share clear common interests. You are the RON and Both groups support “Stop the War” only campaigns which combine antiimperialism and anti-Islamophobia, Despite the left’s slate of but on a student level both are victories, this election saw the first virulently anti-Israeli and staunchly contested victory for RON (Re-Open oppose anti-terror legislation. Isoc Nominations) in years. Incumbent are not only a solid block vote, but LGBT Officer Stef Newton, who also forcefully and energetically was running for re-election, lost campaign for their agreed candidates by two votes to a RON campaign armed with iPads and zeal. In the which appeared on the final night wake of non-startling revelations of campaign week, run by five such as the G7/10, The Cheese Grater

members of the current LGBT Committee. Newton claims this to have been a personal rather than political attack while LGBT Forum Media Officer Kristoff Wright, who campaigned against Newton, said: “It wasn’t in any way a personal attack against Stef, we just didn’t want a repeat of this year. It’s time for a fresh start with a new leader with a new take on things. It was claimed that we were trying to sabotage the Forum and the elections in general, which is bull. There just weren’t any suitable candidates running.”

Newton responded: “I was upset because I feel that the LGBT voice was shadowed by a number of bigots who lied about self-defining in order to influence the election results. I was upset about all the untruthful things being posted about me at first as well but when people start lying about you on the internet because they can’t challenge you on stuff you did do, you know you’re doing something right.” Women’s Officer 2010-11 Laura Terry is rumoured to be contesting the position.

4 The Cheese Grater March 2012

Exclusive! We Expose G8 Sex Scandal

Exclusive: The Buzz can exclusively report that it has become the newest secret member of the G8, a group rapidly overtaking “top 69 places to have sex on campus” as the best kept secret in UCL. But what is the G8? How much influence does it truly hold? What are the 7 steps to make sure I get laid during freshers’ week? Well, our top journalists have spent the week trying to answer those questions, and I think you’ll agree we’re on to something here: • Get noticed by wearing bright colours to the Roxy. But watch out for Buzz “Snap Squads!” They’ll be roaming the clubs taking exclusive pictures of any sexy liaisons. But be careful - your boyfriend or girlfriend might be one of our 1000 weekly web hit viewers!!

• Grow a moustache and get a suit on. Good morning, Mr. Provost! Go and fuck someone in the library.

• Guys: Why not cut a hole in your bed and then fuck the bed?

Girls: I’m in the G8. Leave your number in the comments below so we can organise a time to have sex.

Contributors: John Bell, Leon Craig-Cohen, Alex Daish, James Donaldson-Briggs, Sam Gaus, Adam Gillett, Yohann Koshy, A Z McKenna, Emily McGovern, Jonathan Miller, Will Rowland, Hannah Sketchley, Aijing Wang, Oscar Webb, Madeline Wee, and Hana White.

Grey Dawn

March 2012 The Cheese Grater 5

The Cheese Grater intercepts Malcolm Grant’s outgoing mail Dear Channel Five, Below is an idea for a TV show I think you should seriously consider producing. I’ve been working on it for years now and it really could be the next big series to hit our screens.

Called ‘Grey Dawn’, my vision is for a crime series, but not any old crime series. Set in 1974, the main character is Malcolm Grey. Tall and rugged, Malcolm is the young Provost of a respected London university by day, but by night he becomes rogue undercover detective Malcolm G! (Think Hector the Inspector meets Sylvester Stallone.) G fights crime and corruption on the capital’s seedy streets, but is back in time for graduation! On longer cases, his detective work will also spill over into the day, while Malcolm hilariously juggles his true and secret identities – concealing his mysterious double life with a trendy fake moustache.

He is helped by his trusty sidekick Bashir, a straight-laced Indian student who shares his hatred of civil disobedience. Whenever Malcolm needs to sift through paperwork or communicate with local ethnic minorities Bashir is always on hand to save the day! (At first I thought the demeaning portrayal of Bashir may be construed as racist, but then I realised that the show is set in the 1970s and so this would in fact be historically accurate.) Malcolm is also aided by Adam Lansbury, his good friend and confidante. As Health Minister, Lansbury gives Malcolm unparalleled access to the heart of government and the sinister conspiracies residing within. Together this slick threesome tackles crime with 70’s style and efficiency.

Provost Malcolm Grey

I’ve already thought of how the opening credits will roll. To the serene soundtrack of Greensleeves, the opening shot will be of Malcolm Grey purposefully striding across a calm and pleasant university campus. He makes his way through the historic halls of university architecture and into his office – oozing tranquillity. But, as he shuts the door behind him, the classical soundtrack ceases. He re-emerges as Malcolm G, moustached up and ready to kick some ass. Suddenly, Motorhead’s ‘Ace of Spades’ kicks in and the viewer is sent into a rollercoaster montage of car chases, punch ups, violent acrobatics, and glamorous women. The final shot is of Malcolm, revolver in hand, casually walking straight towards the camera as a huge warehouse explodes behind him. The visual then fades out to reveal the title “Grey Dawn”, and the episode begins.

I’ve even got a catchphrase for Malcolm. At the end of each episode once the bad guy’s been arrested, he’ll say, “It’s a grey day for justice…” though I’m not quite sure what he could mean by this.

I look forward to your reply,

Crime Fighter Malcolm G

Malcolm Grant PS: I have attached a short transcript to whet your appetite.

Cut to scene in Lansbury’s office in Whitehall LANSBURY:

MALCOLM: LANSBURY:

You’re the only one I can trust, Malcolm. This goes right to the top, all the way up to Number 10. Nowhere is safe.

You can count on me, Health Minister.

That’s what I like about you Malcolm, you’ve got balls.

Sidekick Bashir

MALCOLM remains steely eyed, silently acknowledging the existence of his own balls BASHIR: MALCOLM: LANSBURY: MALCOLM:

What are we going to do Mr Grey?

We’re going get Mr Lansbury out of here, he’s not safe.

But they’ve got men everywhere – we’ll never make it out alive!

That’s where you’re wrong, Health Minister. (draws pistol) Let’s do this.

Bashir, turn on the Volvo!

Cue dramatic shoot out and car chase through central London in Malcolm’s classic Volvo estate car, culminating in some sort of explosion – though I’ve not decided what sort yet

Health Secretary Adam Lansbury

6 The Cheese Grater March 2012

Okay! Computer?

Is the ‘digital age’ a good thing? Or is it actually a bad thing?

Carlton Banks We are living in a ‘digital age’. It is now virtually impossible to go about one’s day without running into ‘digital technology’ in one form or another. In 21st century Britain, you can find personal computers everywhere: offices, schools, libraries… you name it. Almost everyone I know, myself included, has their own personal mobile phone that relies on digital ‘technology’; consequently, a wealth of information is readily available at the touch of a button. Moreover, with the rise of popular ‘social-networking’ websites like Twitter and the Facebook, it seems as if we have truly gone ‘computer mad’. But is the ‘digital age’ a good thing? Or is it actually a bad thing?

Indulge me, if you will, with a little thought experiment; I am currently sitting in my bedroom in London, England. However, at the very same time, I am chatting with my friend Geoffrey in Los Angeles, America; I can see his face as if he was in front of me and his voice is crystal clear. How can this be?

Have I lost my mind? No, my mind is fine!

Believe it or not, the answer to this seemingly impossible situation lies in the ‘digital age’ at the touch of a button, I am able to have ‘video-calls’ with anyone, anywhere on the planet.

“It’s all very well being able to chat to

your friends, Carlton!” I hear you chortle, “but is this ‘digital age’ actually good for anything else?” For you, I have two words: Arab Spring. Did you know that ‘social-networking’ played a massive role in the Arab uprisings against dictatorships that happened last spring? Ordinary citizens were empowered by ‘Twitter’ to provide the locations for demonstrations. Ordinary citizens were empowered by ‘YouTube’ to broadcast footage of government brutality. Ordinary citizens were empowered by ‘Bebo’ to connect with other revolutionaries. With the touch of a button, the ‘digital age’ has brought democracy to the Middle-East.

“This ‘digital age’ sounds great!” I hear you chuckle, “but are there any drawbacks we should be aware of?”. Unfortunately, the answer is yes. Thanks to the digital age, paedophiles are now able to access depraved and disgusting images at a touch of a button. Whereas during the analogue era, they were forced to draw sick images of children on paper and post them to one another, the rise of electronic mail (‘e-mail’) and digital cameras (‘digicams’) has made their repulsive behaviour far easier.

“Well, it seems like this ‘digital age’ is both a good thing and a bad thing!” I hear you guffaw, “what advice do you have for us, Carlton?”. I advise you act with caution, maximising all the good capabilities of the ‘digital age’, like video-chats and Arab Springs, while minimising all the bad things, like paedophiles. Perhaps with this approach, the ‘digital age’ will herald in a new era of peace and prosperity, at the touch of a button.

Popularity Contest Won By More Popular Person

Student body shrugs and apologises saying “bad luck, mate I assumed you had it in the bag” but some were more vitriolic towards Jon’s

Daish T’Day campaign. Dick Brady said: “Jon Dell thought Nearly 30 students who were selfishly concerned with the results of a recent popularity contest have felt slightly miffed after their close friend and now useless ally lost.

Katie Burrows, a second year architecture student and friend of the losing candidate, said: “we were going to use the special privileges of a student representative to get free muffins from the Print Room Cafe. I guess we’ll just have to carry on stealing them instead. Or make friends with the winner, she seems alright.”

Loser of the popularity contest Jon Dell, reluctantly commented: “I am quite cheesed off at losing this popularity contest. Now I’m going to have to secure a job through the more normal method of throwing shit at a wall and seeing what sticks.”

Many students were “too tired to vote”,

he was the big student politician and tried to give us all a fucking reach-around to garner our votes. That lanky prick can shove his selfrighteous, narcissistic, neo-fascist, degenerate manifesto promises where the sun don’t shine: up my bumhole. He can’t even spell his own fucking name right!”

The winner of the popularity contest told The Cheese Grater, “I am mildly excited to win this popularity contest.” Quizzed on the winning tactics used, the winner replied: “I simply got everyone I know to vote for me, even the weirdoes I haven’t talked to since first year. It was awkward, but much less so than shamelessly whoring my CV around town like some sort of middle class Kerry Katona. I’m just glad that I didn’t lose – I wouldn’t have been able to look my Trot faction in the eyes.”

Loser We got an average student’s opinion by accosting an ugly woman waiting for a computer in the queue at the Science library: “What popularity contest? Jon who? Leave me alone, I’m waiting for a computer.”

March 2012 The Cheese Grater 7

A Womb With A View

Not the time or placenta for “nihilistic pre-nates” tell him to ‘press his own damn LI’. Meaning ‘kill I’, or as I under- the womb-bound, Mr Carling

J H Melon trousers’. Her suicidal actions can stood it, ‘kill me’. Obviously it’s has been coordinating pre-natal It reads like a bad horror story: a pregnant woman driven to stealing a three-course meal at The Ivy… by the very foetus growing inside her! Val Doyle experienced intense cravings for “a slap-up meal at one of London’s top restaurants” which, according to Dr Hannah Young, were the result of “pre-natal manipulation”.

This growing field of research examines the increasingly common phenomenon of foetuses imposing their will on their mothers. This is done by extending consciousness up through the mother’s spinal cord, eventually taking control of the mind. In rare cases, suicidal unborn babies have even forced their mothersto-be to take their own lives in an act of involuntary abortion. Such extreme cases seem to be most common among underage, unattached pregnant girls with overbearing fathers.

Cambridge-based obstetrician Dr Henry Fellowes thinks he has an explanation: “Some babies just don’t want to be born. One unfortunate Saudi woman pregnant with such a nihilistic prenate was stoned to death, after her foetus compelled her to slap her husband across the face and

only be explained by foetal mind control.”

Such occurrences have ignited furious debate around the contentious question of whether foetuses have the right not to be born? With recent developments, the maternal pro-choice lobby has come under fire from pro-life and foetus right-to-die (D-termination) factions for exactly opposite reasons. Martin Neames, a pro-choice spokesman, said “This is ridiculous – foetuses aren’t even alive! How can they choose to die?”

Top human rights lawyer Brian Carling QC has challenged this argument, maintaining that foetuses are constantly trying to communicate with the outside world. Asked how, Carling explained: “My wife Jill was 16 weeks pregnant when she felt the first kicks. In her excitement, she called me over to have a listen, and remembering my Morse code from my time in the sea scouts, I just knew that the baby was trying to tell me something.

I grabbed a pencil and paper and hastily recorded the babe’s communiqué. ‘KKI-

unreasonable to expect a child of less than 0 to have a perfect grasp of spelling and grammar but the intent was clear. This was one kid who didn’t want to be born. I told my wife, and we went ahead with the termination the very next day.

Which was ideal, because I needed to have a stern word with my vasectomist.”

Since discovering this mode of communication with

activities, giving foetuses a voice with his charity ‘Unborn Identity’, which aims to establish new articles in the Universal Declaration of Human Rights that will acknowledge the rights of foetuses, including their right not to be born. “I set it up with my own money,” he revealed, “but we have recently received substantial financial backing from the Chinese government”.

A Comparative Study Of The University Experience David Fockney questions our place in the world UCL is London’s leading university. We have a strong tradition of teaching Arts and Humantities, cutting edge scientific research and a vibrant student community drawn from all over the world. The question is: how do we ascend, to become a truly ‘global’, first-class institution?

Firstly, if UCL is ever going to properly compare with the likes of Harvard and Yale, then waiting 45 minutes for a computer in the Science Library isn’t going to cut it. But,

why are we forced to wait for so long? It’s because of all the ugly women. They clog up resources with their ugly features and their crap clothes. They should dress properly, like Jackie Onassis or Nigella Lawson.

Do you think that we’d ever have to wait 30 minutes in the Print Room Café if this were Oxbridge? According to www. visitoxfordandoxfordshire.com, Oxford has “restaurants serving cuisines from all around world to suit all taste buds and budg-

ets”. “Oooooooh” you cry – that sounds fantastic. Not at the Print Room though. Perhaps you plan to nip in between lectures for a quick slice of fudge cake? You’ll have no chance of getting served.

It’s because of the ugly women.

They’re all stupid handbags and stupid hairclips and I’m all “excuse me, slappers” while trying to push them in the bin.

Do you think that at Stanford they’d have so many broken taps in the toilets? And why is the floor always covered in piss

around the urinals? There’s never any soap, and if you do finally manage to wash your hands the driers are freezing cold. Barely a gust. I’ve seen the ugly women hanging around outside and they are responsible.

David Fockney is a third year student in Fine Art. His girlfriend left him last week.

8 The Cheese Grater March 2012

From The Desk Of Shergar Holmes August 3rd 1951 I place led pepper – that much is true, but

my empty tumbler down on the worn leather, knowing that within moments it will be refilled when I go and refill it. Nothing greases the cogs of the investigative mind better than slamming another Jim Beam and taking a drag on a big cigarette. Some people call them cigars.

It all started with a guy called Peter. They call him ‘The Piper’. I don’t know why. Some broad told me once but I wasn’t listening – I had a case to solve. It was all a matter of time see, until someone slipped up. Peter Piper picked a peck of pick-

where did Peter Piper put the peck of pickled pepper, that he, Peter Piper, picked? To rephrase, if Peter Piper picked the peck of plickled pepper – and trust me, that SOB is as guilty as heck of picking a peck of heckled peckers – then where in this rotten town is the piss of peckler, what that scoundrel, Preter Prepler pricklickled? Picklered. Picked.

I slam another daiquiri. Delicious. A saucy dame knocks at the door. She asks me if I’m the detective looking for The Piper. I tell her that for her I can be anything, but yes, I am actually that detective. As it turns out, she is the one who sells seashells. On the sea shore. I guess she means the beach. She was taken in for selling the seashells without a shpermit. Shplicence. Licence. Her sheashells were found to contain a strikingly similar substance to that which Peter Piper picked.

I shlam another Pina Colada.

Tropical. She tells me about the involvement of a certain Jack and a certain Jill, who were said to go ‘up the hill’ if you know what I mean.

She says that they’re the ones to talk to if you want a ‘pail of water’ and they might know something about the case. Easy for her to say, but something about it didn’t sit right.

So I stopped listening.

There can only be one conclusion: Peter Pepper concealed the peckler of picked piper that he schtole, in shthe shells of she who shells sea sellsch who had been seen shrickling around the she shore. She shaw.

See saw? Shalall short. Case closed.

I slam another Sex on the Beach. Revolting. Satisfied with a job well done, I have a chew on a tiny cigarette, which some people call a Nicorette. A woodchuck enters my office with his arm in a sling and I know my next case has begun.

Thank You & Goodbye

‘Sick’ magazine forced to close Jackson Bollock The Cheese Grater is to close after 168 years of existence. The controversial magazine upset readers

with ruthless journalistic practice such as waterboarding election candidates and paying the College Chaplain for information, but the final straw was the constant debilitating legal threat that followed more than a century of clear libel. The magazine has been described by UCL Union as an “uninsurable risk”, and as “fucking disgusting” and “too self-referential” by others.

Former Cheese Grater Editor Alex McKenna commented: “This is a deep stain on the history of a fine institution. The Cheese Grater has fallen far below the minimum moral stand-

ards expected not just of students, but of human beings. The magazine was Guardian Small Budget Publication of the Year in 2006, and now it’s in tatters. This is a great, great shame.”

The lobby group “Friends of Responsible Free Speech” has expressed pleasure following the decision to close the publication. Spokesman Bartin Meale said: “No longer will we hear the sick ‘news of the screws’ type trash that these prurient pricks seem certain to peddle. I look forward to getting on with my life.”

The Cheese Grater on Sunday is due to launch in September.

UCLU Cheese Grater Magazine Society Student Publication of the Year - UCLU Union Arts Awards 2006, 2007, 2008, 2009, 2011

President and Editor: John Bell

Email: editor@cheesegratermagazine.org Postal Address: UCL Union, 25 Gordon Street London WC1H 0AY

Assistant Editor (Investigations): Hannah Sketchley

Email: investigations@cheesegratermagazine.org

Assistant Editor (Humour): Samuel Gaus

Email: humour@cheesegratermagazine.org

The views expressed herein are not necessarily those of UCL Union or the editor.