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The Cheese Grater THE OTHER MAGAZINE OF UCL UNION Issue 37 — Spring 2013

ALL HAIL KING ARTHUR UCL’s new Provost profiled

KNOW URANIUM This and more in our UCLU round-up




Mick stamps his authority on UCL

GOLF WARFARE Dispatches from the Crazy Golf World Championships

TOP GUN FAN Interview with NRA head


PANDA SUTRA Saving the species Oscar Webb UCL has entered the initial phases of its £500m “Bloomsbury Masterplan”, management’s strategic plan for the future, and it’s not looking too pretty out there. In September it was made public that UCL management will close the Gower Place Practice next year. The service is nowhere mentioned in the Masterplan. “UCL has informed us that it has no plans to renew our lease when it expires in 2014. It does not wish to provide a space for the NHS practice on the UCL campus”, Dr Clare Elliot, a partner in the practice told us. 15,000 UCL students who use the practice will

Beloved bins to be replaced by world-class coffee shops have to look for a GP elsewhere and the staff at the practice will lose their jobs. This magazine has gained special access to a full draft of the Masterplan document - only the summary is available to the public - and baby, we ain’t seen nothing yet. UCL management’s vision is of a shiny, colourful, airy new campus with open-plan seating, “student-hubs” and coffee bars galore, but the cost of these new developments will be immense. Libraries, lecture theatres, offices, classrooms and labs will be moved, downsized and in some cases lost altogether. The most ambitious project will be the

merging of the main library and the science library. The science library will be moved into the basement of the Wilkins Building. “Releasing and reconfiguring” the building’s basement will apparently create enough space for the entire science collection, believes the Masterplan document. One doesn’t have to be a scientist to realise that the amount of shelf and work space will be reduced considerably. Much of the collection will go into stores, possibly on the new Stratford campus, the plan suggests. Entire departments are to be moved and downsized; academics and students (Cont’d on page four)

2 Spring 2013 The Cheese Grater

Down Your Union Norman De Plume Men’s Rugby have won their appeal against disaffiliation from UCLU. Having been under a suspended sentence dating back two years, the club were automatically disaffiliated in December after receiving disciplinary action on the grounds of sexual harassment for leaving pornography in the Phineas bar. The pornography in question has since transpired to be copies of Nuts and Zoo magazine. An Appeals Panel found the initial Activities Disciplinary Panel decision to have been too harsh and Men’s Rugby were re-instated. The situation is much more complex than this, however. In a separate incident that occurred around the same time as the leaving of pornography in Phineas, four rugby members were accused of groping a woman in Moonies as part of an initiation ceremony. The Activities Disciplinary Panel deemed these allegations, which are far more serious than those relating to Phineas, as the actions of the four individuals involved and not of the Rugby Club. A union insider told us that the Moonies case is being “pursued through different channels” to those which were used to disaffiliate Men’s Rugby. There have been accusations from Rugby Club that UCLU acted unfairly in their disaffiliation case, which solely regarded the incident in Phineas. They cite the misapplication of a key case-law against them as a subversion of Union bye-laws, claiming that UCLU effectively broke their own rules to kick out Rugby. The fact that Rugby’s appeal was successful is embarrassing for UCLU and the Activities Disciplinary Panel. Some have questioned whether current Union procedures are adequate for cases as serious as sexual harassment and have suggested that distinctions between different cases must be more rigorously enforced during disciplinary hearings.

Referen-done The results of the most recent referendum were a small victory for the left cabal

within UCLU, bringing them one step closer to changing the union’s bye-laws. The referendum asked students whether UCLU should create up to four new fulltime paid officers, which would bring the total number to ten. Question one asked voters whether Education and Campaigns officer should be split into two roles and whether Medical and Postgraduate officer should be split into medical, pharmacy and health officer and postgraduate officer. 83.6 per cent voted yes. Question two asked whether a full time women’s officer and a full time black and minority ethnic officer should be introduced. 68.15 voted yes. On top of the new officers, the referendum also voted to change UCLU’s decision-making processes; more General Assemblies will be held. Michael Chessum, ULU President, and Ben Towse, UCLU post-graduate officer, were the main drafters of the constitutional changes. The changes are largely a reversing of those made by Mandy Smith, UCLU Democracy and Communications Officer, 2010-11 - known amongst lefty hacks as the Thatcher of UCLU - who took away the black and minority ethnic officer and the disabled officer. The referendum was inquorate. Less than two per cent of UCL students voted. Only 469 votes were cast for question one and 485 for question two. But this did not matter: the referendum was not binding, UCLU Council always had the final say on whether the changes would pass. Michael Chessum said, “the referendum will only ‘advise’ council on how to vote, though it would be weird if council didn’t take the advice”. A 75 per cent affirmative vote at UCLU council is required to pass the changes, which should be an easy win for the lefties who are well represented within the body

In Rod We Trust UCLU’s Democracy and Communications officer, Sam Gaus, is running for NUS President. In a comment on the NUS leadership, and especially the

Society Bitch Hopeful President of Tory Soc, Matthew Gibbard AKA Glibbard AKA the human stain AKA the Worst Man, is still a racist. Ellie Setford, Tory Soc Vice President, quoting Gibbard, tweeted “I was looking at the Telegraph dating section...I don’t want a muddy child”. UCLU has received at least one complaint regarding these tweets, which have since been deleted and Stetford’s account made private. It’s rumoured that when running for Equality Officer last spring, Gibbard covered his face in black shoe polish to pose for an ‘unofficial’ election photo. Bitch wishes she were joking. Boat Club President Elliot Knott is having trouble coming to terms with the basic laws of matter. In a Boat Club email, Knott complained about the busyness of the Loop Bar, saying last Wednesday’s Sports Night had been an “EPIC FAIL”. Knott went on to lament that the queue at the Roxy had been “non existent” – it’s almost as if everyone had gone somewhere else… president, Liam Burns, Gaus is standing as the ‘bearer’ of the ‘inanimate carbon rod’. Starting as a Simpsons-based meme on facebook in mid-January, Inanimate Carbon Rod #1 for NUS President has grown to acquire 1,400 ‘likes’. Gaus is taking the trolling of the NUS a step further, producing a manifesto which reads: “As an Inanimate Carbon Rod, it has already done more than any National President in the last 3 years to challenge the agenda of the government”. Gaus intends to make a campaign video and will be giving a seven minute speech to the NUS conference. He has said that he will use his seven minutes on stage saying nothing but holding up a large fluorescent green glow stick, the rod.

The Cheese Grater Spring 2013 3

New Provost: From Leeds with Love Profile of Professor Michael Arthur Alex Catling, Oscar Webb and James Donaldson-Briggs Incoming Provost Michael Arthur, who will join UCL in September, has a distinguished academic record. The first ever leader of a Russell Group university to have been educated at a state comprehensive, Professor Arthur has gained international recognition for his research into the biology of the liver. He also has a track record of cutting academic jobs and a penchant for the finer things in life. Professor Arthur joins us from the University of Leeds where he has been Vice Chancellor since 2004. He won the American Liver Foundation Research Prize in 1987 and was the Fulbright Distinguished Scholar from 2003 to 2004. And, like our current Provost, Malcolm Grant, he dabbles in the NHS, being the current Chair of the Advisory Group for National Specialised Services. A self-confessed Blairite, the new Provost toes a predictable political line on the issue of higher education. While condemning the coalition government’s current approach to higher education as “completely mad”, as leader of the Russell Group from 2009-2012 Professor Arthur was a key proponent of raising tuition fees. “The lower [earning] quarter of graduates will actually pay less than they

do under the current scheme” he told The Leeds Student in 2010. Despite being vocal about government cuts to higher education, Professor Arthur attempted to slash his own staff numbers at Leeds by 10 per cent in 2009, subsequently suffering a vote of no-confidence and strike action by the Leeds branch of the University and College Union. In 2011, the Leeds Vice Chancellor again faced UCU strike action over the closure of the classics department at Leeds. “It’s a department that hasn’t done terribly well in research terms… its funding is not coming together in a way that’s financially and academically stable” he told The Leeds Student. While steering the Leeds ship through choppy waters and forcing much of his crew to walk the plank, Professor Arthur has still managed to enjoy himself on the University’s account. Figures obtained by The Cheese Grater found that from 2006 to 2012 he charged the University of Leeds close to £70,000 in expenses. On top of this he, like the UCL provost, gets an apartment paid for by his university. He appears to have a particular affinity for high-end hotels, on one occasion charging the university £618 for a onenight stay in the Russell Hotel, London. His hotel bills have cost Leeds on average

£7,000 annually since 2006; more than double what the current UCL Provost claimed for his accommodation in the last financial year. The new Provost has already stated that Malcolm Grant’s tenure will be “a hard act to follow”. Professor Grant’s legacy will certainly be a great burden to bear for Professor Arthur, with the university currently committed to spending £1.5 billion on the Bloomsbury Masterplan and the new Stratford campus. Commenting on the change at the top, Chair of UCL Council Sir Stephen Wall likened Professor Grant’s departure as Provost of UCL to Otto von Bismarck’s resignation as Chancellor of Germany. This is an intriguing comparison to make considering that Bismarck was followed by a series of ineffectual successors, whose overambitious drives for expansion ultimately culminated in the First World War. Michael Arthur will have his work cut out.

Fit Provost Tell us a libellous fact about yourself: “Whilst working for the NHS I stole a little baby from a hospital. I had to give it back when my boss said that wasn’t okay”. -Malcolm Grant “During the Olympics I used my Merc as an unlicenced mini cab. When my GPS was on the fritz, I would count to a hundred inside my head and then drop the passengers off regardless of where we were”. -Michael Arthur

Hairy silver fox

Juicy goss guys, but which one do you think is fitter? Tweet us @UCLCheeseGrater.

Foxy silver hare

4 Spring 2013 The Cheese Grater

(Cont’d from page one) alike will be disadvantaged by the changes. The History Department, which currently occupies several of the Georgian houses on Gordon Square, will be

moved into the much smaller site of Gordon House. The Bartlett will first be moved into Central House on Woburn Place and then moved a second time into the DMS Watson building, formerly the science library. Geographers from Bedford Way will be “co-located” - IE crammed in - with graduate geographers in the Pearson building. The ground floor of Life Sciences will be integrated into the anatomy building. A “number of Union services” are earmarked to move into the new student centre being built on the empty site next to history. The Print Room café will be demolished to make way for a new staircase. How will entire faculties fit into their new premises? Simple: UCL management intend to abolish individual offices. According to the plans, the offices of academic and administrative staff will be changed from “cell-like environments” to “den-like environments”; UCL aims to “achieve higher occupant densities and lower operating costs”. Faculty office space will be reduced from 21 per cent of total space currently, to as little as 10 per cent, a significant loss.

Responding to a Cheese Grater comment Anthropology and Classics had their first on the subject, Professor Alister Scott of taste of things to come when management Birmingham City University wrote: “I began to plan a redevelopment of these have to work in open plan and whilst departments early last year. In September efficient for admin managers is a senior faculty member of Anthropology useless for doing work. I go home sent an impassioned email to students deto work”. The worst part is exactly tailing UCL’s intentions: the ground floors what the spaces vacated by aca- of these departments will become a large demics will be used for. “student hub” and a Starbucks. Offices, a UCL’s corporate wing will expand lecture theatre, a common room and a small markedly. Estates, the Registry, Finance museum will be demolished. Asking that and Human Resources office space will the students occupy the space whilst UCL grow from 5 per cent currently to as much management and the architects looked as 25 per cent in the future, which would around, the senior lecturer wrote, “as staff make these activities the single largest us- we find this whole prospect horrendous”. ers of university space. Exactly why UCL’s UCL management is attempting to auxiliary services require so much space is keep as much of the Masterplan impleuncertain. The houses vacated by history mentation behind the scenes, apparently on Gordon square will be turned into lux- gagging academics involved. When asked ury apartments and a “social lounge” for to comment on the “student hub” plans, what the Masterplan vaguely terms “visi- the head of Anthropology, Professor Sutors” to the university. sanne Kuechler, told us that she was “adaUp to ten new cafés are going to open mant” we should not report on them as on campus; this is on top of the six that “negotiations are complex and sensitive”. already exist. Going on college’s previous It’s not incorrect to assume there must choices, these will likely be Costas or Star- be many other Masterplan projects now bucks. Again, the reasoning behind such a underway at UCL, most of them behind steep increase in the number of externally closed doors. run cafés is not alluded to by the college. Malet Place will be transformed into a “teaching and learning ‘high street’”, with retailers invited in to set up shop in “under-used areas”. “Commercial opportunities” are mentioned throughout the Masterplan. Artists’ impressions have glass frontages to every accessible ground floor, making the re-developed campus look a lot like a shopping centre. UCL senior management refer to the Masterplan as a “living document”, suggesting not all of it will be implemented. And yet, much of it is now coming “My eyes are down here” into effect. Archaeology,

Contributors: John Bell, Roxy Blake, Alex Catling, Alex Daish, James Donaldson-Briggs, Alex Dutton, Bo Franklin, Charlie Hayton, Will Rowland and Oscar Webb.

The Cheese Grater Spring 2013 5

Passion and Putting on the Golf Coast Martina Growler This article originally appeared in the Hastings and St. Leonards Bugle. Reprinted with permission. Local hero Hescott, putter in hand, walks up to the final hole. The usually restrained crowd at the Hastings Adventure Golf Complex breaks out in tense applause. A woman screams: “come on Trevor”, a man: “one more putt” and a seagull goes: “squawk”. Trevor steadies his shaking hands as his rival Trudge looks on. This shot will decide the tournament. This shot will be heard ‘round the world. This is the Crazy Golf World Championship, which takes place in the ‘Cannes of East Sussex’, Hastings. The field features crowd favourite Ian Hescott, West Sussex badboy Maximilian Trudge and an entire class of a local primary school on a fun day out for the end of term. At the pre-tournament press conference Hescott says “I eat crazy golf, I sleep crazy golf, I work as a handyman. But whenever I am bleeding a radiator or lagging a boiler, I’m not thinking about what I’m doing, I’m thinking about my putting action”. Trudge used the press

conference to promote his DVD ‘Putting Putting First’ and to claim ‘that he will putt like a butterfly and sting Hescott like a huge wasp”. The teacher of the school class commented “we weren’t really aware that this tournament was going on when we planned the trip”. Tensions surfaced before the tee off when the players went to the little hut to pay and collect their putters. Trudge blocked Hescott’s path and said: “I didn’t drive here all the way from Eastbourne to lose this championship”. Hescott pressed his chest against Trudge’s and retorted: “Au contraire. I think you did drive here all the way from Eastbourne to lose this championship”. The players had to be forcibly restrained by event staff as they attempted to get each other in a headlock. The World Championship’s course is curated each year by live-in groundskeeper Ron Hargreaves. This year’s course is based on the teachings of the Old Testament. The course begins in the Garden of Eden, with players having to negotiate lush foliage, a tempting snake and a windmill. The fourth hole sees players negotiating the ruined cities of Sodom and Gommorah avoiding fire,

Concept art for the 14th hole brimstone and a windmill. The course is incredibly difficult and at the 14th hole a little girl gives up trying to traverse Mt. Sinai, bursts into tears and looks for her mummy. “That’s right, keep on walking” shouts Trudge after her. By the 18th hole only Hescott and Trudge are left. So it comes down to this: the final shot on the final hole. Hescott needs a hole-in-one to win. Hescott strikes the ball; it passes through the flock of sheep, bounces off the angel Gabriel, squeezes between the frankincense and myrrh, through the windmill and into the manger. He’s done it! The crowd erupts.Trudge throws his putter into the sea with disgust. He has risen and he walks amongst us. He is Trevor Hescott.


Scientific Fact: Kellogg’s Corn Flakes© are Great! Dr Karl Logo Yesterday, a team of leading scientists at the J.H. Kellogg memorial laboratory announced the findings of their investigation into why it was that Kellogg’s Corn Flakes© are just so amazing. On every variable they could measure, and that’s all of them, Kellogg’s Corn Flakes© were just found to be really brilliant. It’s hardly surprising, since as every man, woman, and child between the ages of 2-82 knows, Kellogg’s Corn Flakes© are the happiest and most wonderful cereal available on the market. We received a letter from 96 year old mother of seven, Ethel. She asked, “Dear Kelloggs. I’ve eaten a bowl of Corn Flakes every morning since I was small

enough to fit in the packet! Having survived five husbands and the Korean War I was just wondering, is it Kellogg’s Corn Flakes© keeping me alive? Am I immortal?” After busting our chops in the lab for almost an hour, we discovered that Kellogg’s Corn Flakes© are full of corn – which makes you live forever! We sent Ethel a complimentary box of Kellogg’s Corn Flakes©, a complimentary rooster mouse mat, and some complimentary advice on how to deal with the loneliness of immortality. In other news, Kellogg Company PLC has strenuously denied accusations of using their new position as owner of several large media conglomerates to influence news coverage of their company,

with a spokesman calling it “almost as laughable as the joyous laughter of satisfaction that our products bring to people all around the world”.

Ethel, 96, is going to live forever

6 Spring 2013 The Cheese Grater

Guns don’t Kill People, the NRA do Interview with multimedia gun man enthusiast Shrove Manly Rarely is gun control out of the public eye in America, yet following a wave of recent shootings it has never been more controversial. I’m meeting the head of the National Rifle Association, Wayne LaPierre, in the Covent Garden branch of TGI Friday’s, midway through his official visit to the UK. Walking in, I find LaPierre propping up the bar, spurs glinting on his boots, hat pulled down low across his face and a tumbler of whiskey rolling between his palms. Next to him, a table of excited children freeze during a heated game of pass-the-parcel, and a single party popper echoes out. After exchanging pleasantries, I comment on the prophetic nature of his half empty glass, with many Americans seeing the current state of gun laws with a ‘glass half empty’ kind of pessimism. Meeting my gaze, he downs the whiskey and asks for another. “It’s empty now, boy, cuz nobody ain’t never gun’ take away my constitutional right to a JD on the rocks.” I ask whether he believes that he shot himself in the foot when he reacted to calls for stricter weapons restrictions with ‘the only way to stop a good guy with a gun is a bad guy with a gun’. Moving closer, he assures me that he has never shot himself in the foot, with the exception of an accident on his ranch involving a randy bull

and a semi-automatic M1 Carbine rifle. Breath heavy with alcohol and curly fries, he adamantly reiterates his ultra-conservative stance on weapons, unwilling to back down. Feeling the need to lighten the atmosphere, I ask him a less accusatory question, namely what he believes has caused the rise in high profile shootings in recent years. The answer I receive is unsurprising, “the goddamn culture of kids these days” being brutalised by “games like Mortal Kombat and Spyro the Dragon”. He then goes on to claim that video games aren’t the only area of popular culture which promotes violence, quoting lyrics such as ‘tell me the days of the week bitch, or I’m a blow that cereal outta your fucking

bowl’ from Dr. Dre and Rebecca Black’s recent hit Dre-gorian CalenDre. When I point out the low level of gun crime in the UK LaPierre’s mood darkens. He challenges me to a duel, slamming his plastic tumbler down so hard that the curly straw bounces to the ground. I refuse and LaPierre flies into a fierce rage, tearing down a life size inflatable alligator from the adjacent wall and wrestling it to the floor, before firing sixteen rounds into its belly. Punctured, air spews out of the sagging beast, causing it to career across the room and land slap in the middle of a birthday party. Amid the screams of traumatised 8 year olds, LaPierre downs his whiskey, puts on his Stetson and passes out.

Shiggy Diggy An eye for a diggy will make the whole world shiggy Weston Super Man Following reports of a great shiggying and diggying in the south cloisters, I, UCL’s greatest poet rushed there as fast as my lack of speed would allow. The long and extensive walks I’ve taken through the darker side of my psyche had led me to believe I had seen everything. Nonetheless, the scene that confronted me escapes description by normal and proper civilian words. Such things cannot be described by one of your hacks.

Instead, let the reader lap at the bowl of my logophilia. For I have recorded the event described by onlookers as “just indescribable”. Brace your body. Restrain your mind. A man was shiggying and diggying where no biggying was to be normally found. When the shiggies outnumbered the diggies the liggying crowd could be seen fleeing in all directions. Only the most steadfast of souls remained, among them yours truly albeit with a slight shig-

ward shake in my diggying heart. As the ambulance took away the hapless shiggydiggyer who was shiggydigying still, I couldn’t help but shigger and digger a little myself, and stepped outside and upwards onto the Portico. I turned the collar of my trenchcoat up to the cold, in sharp contrast to the pulling down of my trilby moments before. I lit a cigarette. I stared at the sky. Stars twinkled above the cruciform. Sentences started shortening. Night enveloped. Shiggy.

The Cheese Grater Spring 2013 7

Mick McCarthy to be New UCL Provost Change of management at the top J D Treacherous Bastard In a radical departure from both previous announcements and common sense, UCL Council has declared that football manager Mick McCarthy is to become the new Provost of UCL. In an audacious move, the university will be renamed ‘Mick McCarthy’s UCL.’ At a press conference McCarthy said of his appointment, “I’m very proud to become the new Provost of Mick McCarthy’s UCL”. The press conference was cut short at this point however, as McCarthy discovered his water was fizzy and demanded everyone leave the room to let him calm down. UCL Council Chair Sir Stephen Wall later played down this incident, instead choosing to focus on McCarthy’s ambitions for the university. “Mick really wants to shake things up around here. He’s a big believer in what he calls ‘direct education’; which means firing answers directly into students minds through constant verbal bombardment, rather than faffing about with inefficient questioning systems like examinations”. Describing his own man management

Welcome to Mick McCarthy’s UCL skills as “bloody marvellous”, McCarthy defended himself against accusations of inexperience for the role of Provost by highlighting his career in football. “I’ll tell you what I told Roy Keane at the 2002 World Cup when he dared question my experience. I said, ‘Roy, you can go hard or you can go home’. He went home. Problem solved”. “Now granted, I may not know much

about Bloomsbury, or London, or much of England come to think of it, but I know how to get results”. At this point the interview was cut short by McCarthy’s discovery that his toasted panini contained tuna. We were instructed to vacate the room to let him calm down. Vice Provost Robbie Savage later dismissed the incident, explaining, “Mick hates tuna”.

has been lauded by critics. John Pilger writes in the Independent, “not since the days of Robert Fisk’s exposé of the Sabra and Shatila massacre in Beirut have we seen such incisive reportage”, adding, “Daley looks great in his trunks”.

John Simpson injects his usual musty sex appeal into ITV’s new celebrity competition show, Splash. The renowned war correspondent is tasked with training celebrities how to jump into water from a height.

Our TV Picks The BBC has given diving star Tom Daley his biggest challenge yet. The Olympic bronze medallist is to present a four part documentary, In the Line of Fire, on the civil war in Syria. Episodes see Daley charting the country’s decline into violence over the past four years. Drawing on the history of Syria’s complex sectarian divisions, historic Arab nationalism and the current international power play at work, Daley paints a delicate picture of the underlying tensions that resulted in the current conflict. During the first episode, Daley meets refugees in Aleppo and testament to his enduring sense of humanity, says to the camera, “and I thought I was in at the deep end!” The show has had difficulty drawing a Saturday night audience, but

8 Spring 2013 The Cheese Grater

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50 Shades of Black and White

UCL UNION CHEESE GRATER MAGAZINE SOCIETY President and Editor—Will Rowland Investigations Editor—Oscar Webb Humour Editor—James Donaldson-Briggs

© UCL Union, 25 Gordon Street, London WC1H 0AY. The views expressed herein are not necessarily those of UCL Union or the editor.

Cheese Grater Magazine - Issue 37  
Cheese Grater Magazine - Issue 37  

In this issue: Full extent of Bloomsbury Masterplan revealed; Profile of the incoming Provost; Crazy Golf World Championship gets heated in...