CG Freshers 2014 | Issue 44

Page 1

Issue 44 – Freshers 2014

cheesegratermagazine.org

COULD YOU BE NEXT? A Message From Our Provost

Hello, my name is Michael Arthur, but you can call me Michael Arthur. I am the Provost of this university and you are one of my children. Provost is a bit of a funny word, isn’t it? It sounds like it a small town in mid-Wales without broadband where the locals fuck leather sofas on the village green. Let’s get rid of this troublesome ambiguity. I am not a small town in midWales. I am a man. I am only very occasionally in mid-Wales.

When you think of me, you should think of a light aircraft smashing into a church fete. I am the light aircraft and your university is the fete. But in a good way. Every September, I like to watch the freshers through my office window as I sit cross-legged on the floor. Then I go for a shit. As I shit, I watch Chucklevision on my phone. I wonder if you are proud of yourselves. Your hard work has taken you not to the succulently cloistered Oxbridge college which you thought would finally validate your clumsy, racist, sexless half-life, but to this:

the (joint fifth) best university in the world (according to that one league table from China). This is all yours now. This place where I shit and its glorious legacy - Ghandi, Gervais, Margaret from the Apprentice, that guy who put a bomb in his underpants and tried to blow up a plane, some people who still live with their parents their lives are yours. It’s going to be a fun three years. I can taste the excitement on my concrete fingers. Put a coat on and wear sensible shoes, because Michael Arthur isn’t coming with you and doesn’t fucking care.


Turn static files into dynamic content formats.

Create a flipbook
Issuu converts static files into: digital portfolios, online yearbooks, online catalogs, digital photo albums and more. Sign up and create your flipbook.