6 Winter 2016 The Cheese Grater
Poetry Corner Do I exist just so you can fill me with all the things you hate? Like a black disgusting mess inside my soul. I put on a brave face so you can’t see my pain, Passive, unchanging, smiling but afraid. I’ll try and hold back my despair so it doesn’t spill out, My words filtered, delicately chosen. I’m on a leash that I’m too afraid to tug at, Even when you push me too far. And I’m powerless, Useless. I remember that time you put your hand round my neck, And slammed my head against the wall again and again. Afterwards you locked me in the darkness, With nothing but myself for company. You make me feel used, dirty, unclean, And when you’re inside me I just feel empty. My name is Henry. I am a hoover.
The White Resort From our American Correspondent The Cheese Grater can officially confirm that President-elect Donald Trump’s domestic reforms are well underway, as he begins the process of turning the White House into a spa resort and casino. The President-elect has also laid out his economic plan for the country, stating that the “White Resort” will finally provide the USA with the chance to achieve a budget surplus by beating the Chinese at poker and winning back the $1.25 trillion worth of debt. Trump has kept his promises on immigration and security reforms, and has come up with a fool-proof plan to keep Muslims out of the country. Border Control will use hyper-sensitive screening techniques to keep out Islamic migrants, such as asking them if they are in fact Muslim, measuring the length of their beard, and checking their bags for any copies of “Al Qaeda Quarterly”. The Presidentelect’s progress with the building of a wall on the Mexican border has been encouraging – in fact Mexican workers have started building the wall themselves in order to keep Trump supporters out of Mexico. Lastly, Trump has also revealed his radical plans for healthcare, which largely consist of keeping Obamacare, but renaming it MakeAmerica-Great-Again-Care. The new nurses will all be Miss Universe runners-up, and breast implant surgery will be free under the new system. ¡Dios mio!
This is my pain.
This man’s reaction to getting pranked was absolutely priceless! When local man Nick Fields was pranked on Saturday, his reaction was just utterly priceless. Paul O’Hara, the prankster in question, did not expect such a priceless reaction. “When I pranked him, I just didn’t expect him to react in that way. Utterly priceless!” Even Fields himself wasn’t sure what was to ensue: “I think what was so priceless about it was the juxtaposition of my reaction and the nature of the prank,” Fields said. “No one saw that coming. Not even me.” The police are looking into how someone could have reacted to a prank of that calibre in such an invaluable manner but have come up with no leads as of yet. “We’re looking into it, but unfortunately we have come up with no leads as of yet,” the police said.
Pranked man’s priceless reaction
