Issue 60 by The Cheese Grater

In this issue: Investigations • Online Society Elections Thwarted • Mazzig Returns • UCL’s White Christmas Issue 60 – Spring 2018 cheesegratermagazine.org

Humour • An Excerpt from Theresa May’s diary • George Farha noticeboard Soc Bitch • UCL Boat Club get woke

The Fight For The Heart of UCL The fate of the university is on the line Jason Murugesu & Peter Fitzsimons

A battle is raging at UCL, one that will define the very nature of the university for decades to come. It all came to a head this week at a town hall-style meeting in the Cruciform chaired by former cabinet minister and former Chair of UCL’s governing body, Lord Young (who was, inexplicably, wearing a tuxedo). The room was packed with academics from all departments voicing their grievances. The question at the heart of the meeting: are senior management in

over their heads? The resulting discussion was frank and emotional. Academics made impassioned pleas about mental health, the lack of space on campus, and the transparency of senior management. And, in a bizarre turn of events, Rex Knight, UCL’s infamous Vice Provost, was even heckled into revealing the value of his bonus (more on this later).

How Did We Get Here?

Understanding the story of how we got here, goes a long way to explaining all the issues students face at UCL, namely the lack of mental health provisions and the shortage

of study and teaching space. In the last five years, UCL’s student population has doubled to over 40,000. It now holds the dubious title of the largest university in the country. In fact, UCL’s ballooning population will only continue to grow. Last year, Provost Michael Arthur told academics that there will be 46,000 students by 2025 (see CG 58). Arthur argued UCL’s expansion is the only way to continue paying for world-leading research and funding the refurbishment of a dilapidated campus.

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News & Investigations

Down Your Union Norma de Plume

Society Online Elections Revolt

A fortnight ago at the Emergency Council Meeting UCL Activities officer, Ilyas Morrison was left fighting alone against the charges that he had been puppeteered by senior Union staff to take all society President and Treasurer elections online. Morrison was accused of being under the influence of Alex McKee and Carl Salton-Cox, who are both senior staff members of the Union, though Morrison argued vociferously that “staff had no influence” and that the decision was made “under my discretion”. Both McKee and Salton-Cox worked at SU Imperial before coming to SU UCL last year. It has been alleged that Imperial’s election turnout numbers have been inflated by including societies’ online election numbers in voter turnout statistics (usually reserved for sabbatical officers and part-time officers). Imperial boasts one of the highest election turnouts in the country (via this skewed metric) of 37% (though still far higher than UCL’s 12%). Prominent members of Islamic Society and Union Council, which had backed Morrison as a candidate last year, did not say anything to support Morrison (or much at all to be honest). Of the four current sabbatical officers in the room, only Ayisha Qureshi said anything vaguely supportive. After the votes were tallied, in a rushed one hour meeting, these changes (at least for this year) were made opt out.

Mazzig Returns: Everyone asks why?

This term Hen Mazzig (of causing a ruckus and police intervention at UCL fame) was invited back to the university in what the Provost described as a “tangible sign” of UCL’s commitment to free speech. Although, presumably, the University was also eager to overcome the accusations of antiSemitism it received after the debacle. Mazzig’s return was met by the promise of a protest, from several sabbatical officers and UCL Friends of Palestine. Ayo Olatunji, the Union’s BME officer, described UCL’s invitation of Mazzig as a “normalisation of Israeli Apartheid”. According to the President of Friends of Israel Alexandra Taic, several senior IDF members have given talks in the last year at UCL without being protested. In fact, last term UCL’s Department of Political Science hosted General Amos Yadlin, former head of the IDF’s Military Intelligence Directorate. In order to avoid further disturbances this year, Mazzig’s return was cloaked in secrecy. The location of the talk on Tottenham Court Road was only revealed an hour before the event to those who had already obtained a ticket. Even the Provost’s office (all the way in the Wilkins Building) was manned by a security guard for most of the evening. The names and ID cards of attendees, quite like Santa’s list, were not checked once but twice, to ensure that only pre-registered and approved UCL students and staff were let in. The University’s attempts at subterfuge were insufficient to discourage Friends of Palestine who, after meeting in the main quad, moved to the street outside

Society Bitch In the ongoing struggle against the old dog of misogyny, Soc Bitch has learned that two valiant young men from UCL Boat Club have decided that they, single-handedly, know what’s best for the women in their club. The Two Woke Men™ have set up a meeting (consisting of the very same Two Woke Men™) in which they plan to talk through the night to figure out just how to deal with the issues brought up by those pesky female rowers. Soc Bitch has some suggestions for what they should discuss, like: why does the eight-man Men’s Team require two coaches (one head coach and one volunteer) while the Women’s Team of 17 only need one untrained volunteer coach. Or why have they prioritised the refurbishment of the Men’s 2nd Team’s boat, over the Women’s 1st Team’s boat which has fallen into disrepair? It appears the women’s team will have to make do with splashing around in a disintegrating boat. At least it’s a lovely, warm time for a dip in the Thames. Fortunately this meeting has put Soc Bitch’s mind at ease, with no further cause for cynicism. Thank God for Men. the event venue, accompanied as per usual by pro-Israel counter protesters. In the end, though, this time the event went as UCL intended: Arthur and Mazzig left through the back door of the venue, preventing any clashes with protesters, and avoiding another opportunity for Mazzig to call the campus a “war zone”.

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News & Investigations

Academics versus Administration Continued from Page One

Save UCL (Again!), SUA, a cavalcade of academics unhappy with UCL’s current management and the organisers of this week’s meeting, fundamentally dispute this. SUA accuse Arthur and Dame Deanne Julius, the Chair of UCL Council (UCL’s governing body), of signing off on massive loans without due diligence, and pushing a corporate agenda of expansion that they believe has resulted in overworked staff, under-supported students and put the future of the university at risk.

No Confidence Vote

Professor Tony Segal, Division of Medicine, began the town hall with slides illustrating UCL’s everincreasing student population and spiralling expansion costs and asked whether this was sustainable, especially in light of the risks posed by a potential Labour government abolishing tuition fees, or the effects of Brexit on research grant income. Professor John McArthur, UCL Earth Sciences, added, at UCL “money is now the king”. He said, management do not care about the

Voting Shambles Darcy Bounsall

In the first successful SU UCL General Assembly for four years, the Union was saddened to discover that their electronic voting machines were broken. Students were asked whether paper would be an acceptable alternative vis-à-vis confidentiality. At last, technology restores our trust in democracy.

quality of his research, only the income it can generate. He ended by saying, there is now a “them and an us”. Dr Saladin Meckled-Garcia, UCL Institute for Human Rights, complained that members of senior management received bonuses, at the same time as teaching budgets were being slashed. He questioned how UCL could be transparent in its finances, when the very people who decide bonuses and senior management pay are themselves the senior managers. Professor Emma Morris, Faculty of Medical Sciences, thanked a student who spoke at the meeting and claimed that to the university “students were just their debt.” Morris then added that academics “are here to inspire and encourage” and that if the students really feel that way, it should be a “wake up call”. Mental health also became a focal point of the discussion. Professor Maria Fitzgerald, Division of Biosciences, highlighted how little consideration had been made of students, asking “who made the

decision to cut mental health?” At the end of the meeting 94 percent voted that they did not have confidence in the current governance of UCL.

Rex Puts His Foot In It

Rex Knight, the only member of senior management present at the meeting agreed to respond to the accusations levelled. Knight argued that “growth was not just about student numbers”, and then began detailing UCL’s burgeoning research income. His response was met with heads in hands by the academics. Knight was then heckled about whether senior management did in fact receive bonuses. In an ill-advised attempt to placate the baying crowd, Knight admitted that he received a £3,000 bonus last year to jeers from many. The chasm between academics and administrators is ever-widening, with students continuing to lose out. With pension strikes in a fortnight’s time, the ‘them and us’ mentality will only grow more entrenched. The battle for UCL has just begun.

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News & Investigations

UCL’s White Christmas Tara Sarangi and Colette Allen

9ams to have record attendance Jason Murugesu

The Cheese Grater has discovered that UCL will enforce mandatory attendance monitoring for all its departments later this week. The changes will come into force on the Monday after Reading Week. The university has allocated £672,000 to spend on a system to ensure that this is possible, but it is unclear as of yet what the resulting infrastructure will look like. UCL are fearful that they will face what London Met faced in 2012, when their Tier 4 visa license was revoked by the Government for failing to monitor the attendance of their international students. The Arts & Humanities and Social & Historical Sciences faculties alone would lose £200 million a year if this happened to UCL.

“Why doesn’t anybody like me?”

cartoon here

Michael Arthur can’t seem to catch a break.

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Humour

We Have a Quick Catch-Up With Ed Miliband Owen Jones

Ten minutes after I arrive at the hotel room I hear a knock at the door. “Come in.” Miliband walks through the door and sits across from me. “Hola, my friend.” He says, tilting his oversized sombrero at me. “So, Ed… Can I call you Ed?” “Call me whatever you like, amigo. Just don’t call me late for dinner.” He replies, as he removes his pink “flower power” sunglasses and places them on the table. “Ed, can you start by telling us a little about your life as a backbencher?” “Well, it’s not so much life as a journey. My journey started after the election when I took a trip to Ibiza and I realised that life is about so much more than winning elections.” He takes a metal flask out of his pocket and pours its contents into the glass of coke in front of him. “Helps with the journey.” He says. I urge him to go into specifics. “Can you tell me what the past year has been like for you?” “Don’t focus on the past, man. Life is a journey of a thousand steps and you gotta focus on the next, you know?” He removes his sandals and stretches his feet onto the table. He reaches into his jacket and removes some nail clippers. I continue with the questions. “What are your aspirations for the future, Ed?” “You can’t always get what you want, amigo. You just roll the dice and see which fish come out of the ocean.”

“You have to feed the geese to keep the blood flowing, man.” He says as he retrieves some rolling paper from his pocket. “When I was in Ibiza it wasn’t about Left versus Right, austerity versus investment. It was about people coming together.” He coughs as he takes a puff. “It wasn’t about man, it was about society.” “What does that actually mean?” I ask. “You can throw a flower, but you can’t sniff a brick, you know?” Ed takes out his iPhone and starts playing a remix of Bob Marley’s “One Love”. “Tune.” He mumbles to himself. “I think maybe we should cut it here.” “You can’t cut short life. It goes on without us and in then end we become completely lost in it like teardrops in rain.” He takes a heavy drag. “Good stuff.” He exhales and picks a Cheeto off the edge of his sombrero, staring longingly at it. “Listen to my podcast, man. It’s jokes!” He shouts, as I slam the hotel door behind me.

Contributors: Colette Allen, Sasha Baker, Darcy Bounsall, Alex Castillo, Sam Dodhgson, Ollie Dunn, Peter FitzSimons, Iona Jenkins, Jason Murugesu, Jack Redfern, Tara Sarangi, Seb Stacey, Weronika Strzyżyńska.

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Humour

Zombie A. A. Gill, Comes To UCL Venue: Digital Engagement in Archaeology: Strategies and Evaluation Methods Conference, South Cloisters Price: Free Set in UCL’s resplendent south cloisters, this conference promised much in the way of classical cuisine. Always generous with their platters, the Archaeology department really stepped up to the plate here, massively overestimating the number of attendees thus leaving several trays of food remaining once most guests had left. The amuse-bouche were entrancing: the miniature poppadoms and petite flatbread took me on a gastronomic world tour reminiscent of the romantic imagery associated with archaeology itself. The mini dips provided were somewhat limited, and I would have liked some hotter relish to contrast the cool mango chutney and sour cream. Admittedly the sweet chilli dip, artfully

arranged in a bespoke angular pot, compensated here. For the main, I sampled the classic range of sandwiches on offer. These, cut up into triangles, evoked the pyramids beneath which were buried so many Egyptians in the early dynastic period. The ham and mustard sandwich was a stark challenge to traditional flavours; the mustard biting the back of the palate and the bread beginning to crust slightly with staleness at the edges. The tomato and chicken was boldly sweet, with a hint of fish, possibly due to its position next to the tuna on the platter. To finish, I sampled the cucumber and cress sandwich. This promised so much - yet instead of transporting me to a quiet picnic in a dappled orchard on a cool summer’s day, it simply had a flavour reminiscent of a Yakult on the turn. Overall, however, there was a commendable range of dishes, and with screw-top wines on offer and half a carton of apple juice left, it’s hard to com-

plain in this price range. Moving down the table I was greeted with a Lilliputian confectionaire’s delight, with light fruit tarts cleansing the palette before mini chocolate éclairs and mini custard tarts provided a sweet conclusion to a delightful meal. After a frankly lethargic time of 13 minutes and 24 seconds I was finally spotted and asked to leave, but not before I indulged in yet another mini Eccles cake, which, to my surprise, had a sweet coffee filling. Overall, the meal failed to live up to the benchmark standards of the European Institute’s regular conferences, but the archaeologists should be commended on their culinary adventurousness, and gross over-ordering. Rating:

What is UCL’s Favourite Spoon? and assorted confiture. But ours is also a stable spoon, just like our manageThe Cheese Grater held an exclusive ment style. The spoon is very happy Now some of our critics have said interview with UCL provost Michael and needs no psychological assistance that our spoons are too expensive, too Arthur to put an end to the ceaseless of any kind from other cutlery. lavish and too metropolitan. Well, debates and bitter arguments over the you can’t put a price on a world-class question on everyone’s lips: what is We may not use the 13th century spoon. You don’t want one of those UCL’s favourite spoon? diamond-embroidered spoons fa- fake plastic spoons that can’t even voured by the Etonians at Oxbridge, scoop up some soft yogurt. No! You Michael “£360k” Arthur: Well, but our favourite spoon is only fulfill- need a strong and reputable one and UCL’s favourite spoon is a prestig- ing half its potential: it is still growing, for this, you may have to spend a little ious spoon. Our spoon is the 7th best still being forged. Soon our spoon will extra money, but £27,000 really isn’t spoon in the world and coated in solid be so large it will be able to dip into that much. Of course, you may only gold… I mean metal, definitely metal. soup bowls thousands of miles away, use this spoon 8 or 9 hours a week, but Our favourite spoon was the first to be and no bowl of minestrone will be at least those are hours spent with a used by women, unlike our “friends” exempt from this threat. There is no strong spoon. Besides, you’re not realon the Strand who had only allowed reason to fear… ours is a benevolent ly paying for the spoon itself, but really women to use the “spork”, much to the ladle, helping all the poor, smaller, in- the reputation. You can say to all the chagrin of female soup-lovers. Our ferior spoons. It is not the fault of the ordinary people you meet: hey, I once spoon is capable of tackling even the little spoons that they cannot support used a good spoon. I’m bankrupt now, largest of soups, desserts, ice cream themselves – it is in their forging. but that soup was tasty while it lasted. Chris Martin

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Humour

Theresa May’s Diary Leaked To Press Eagles is actually about heroin!!! Finally June 3rd 2017 on way back to maidenhead tonight – Got banged up in Coventry for The Cheese Grater is proud to reveal got a lift from a truck driver. Nice man. taping a fish to an atm machine. Also a few of the most tantalising titbits Didn’t mention my ankles either – very watched the film ‘the breakfast club’ from PM Theresa May’s personal diary. nice. for the first time, but I was watching a These excerpts provide an invaluable pirated version on youtube so the filmwindow in to the mind of our beloved March 30th 2017 ing was all weird and unclear and the Prime Minister in the early stages of her So in a bit of a pickle right now. Have sound quality was terrible. Fuck you time in office. been driven away from maidenhead inglebert humperdink. Also today is by that nice (I thought he was nice) the last fucken time I try to straighten March 18th 2017 truckman. have had to stoe away on a my hair, fuckin near burned the house Brexit deal with the Donald trump rusty friehght train, very hot. anyway. down again.burned my pizza again too. went up in appeal, but let my emosions truckman and i were in a bar last night, get the better of me. now i need to have he offers me a drag of the jazz cabbage September 11th 2017 a awkword conversation with the recep- and i say screw it, “when in roam” as Absolute nightmare at 9/11 rememtionist in conservative HQ. fucks sake. they say. anyway. he tries it on with brance day. Escalator in parliament some days you win, and some days you me, christ, then i pushed back and he ate up my shoes and spat them out in break a ymca television for no reason. falls. CRACK!!! run to toilet to check tatters. Nightmare. Had to do a face my pumps and he’s still there on the to camera there with just my bare feeMarch 29th 2017 grond and he’s not looking too pretty. ties sticking out like that. Tony blair Burnt a chicken for my lunch today – his friends see me, and chase after me. i wouldn’t stop chuckling at me. Got in depressing metaphor for my life. Burnt climbed into this trian and they all fol- a fight with him and Michael buble in some ham yesterday as well. I guess the lowed in cars, and trucks. i had to throw the parliament bar after I taped a fish to moral of the story here is to keep an eye bits of rock and stone at them as they the middle urinal in men’s toilets. Buble on your hams, one inatentive moment chased me. Terrible position to be in. made a pass at me and I deflected. Went and they might be gone for ever. Also lost my leopard print pumps, too. smash down on his head. I realised that ‘Hotel California’ by the Solid. Fuckin love pints. D. Tectiv

Logan Paul’s Big Announcement From our EveryNight Editor

Disgraced Internet star and future POTUS Logan Paul has returned to YouTube with a 7-minute confessional video, explaining that, from now on, he hopes “to make a difference in the world”. Paul, a 22-year-old waste of air whose channel boasts over 16 million followers, was suspended by YouTube after posting a video of himself in a Japanese forest near what appeared to be a suicide victim. In his new video, ‘My Big Announcement’, Paul addresses the controversy and admits that he let people down, before saying: “It’s time to learn from my past mistakes and to grow as a human being and a person. And with this in mind, I am excited to announce that this coming Mon-

day I will be heading to Northern Waziristan, where I will be chairing the sixth meeting of the Quadrilateral Co-ordination Committee, aiming to revive the long-stalled peace talks between the Taliban and the Afghan government.” Paul, whose previous diplomatic endeavours include ‘KISSING CONTEST WITH A MONKEY’, and ‘SURFING DOWN THE STREET ON A GIANT CHRISTMAS TREE #MAVERICK’, affirmed that he was “hyped” to join the peace process, and “grimly prepared” for the horrors of total war. These peace talks come at a time of escalating violence and sectarianism in Afghanistan, and many have begun to question whether the Taliban will be happy with what Paul has to offer, citing his history of

siding with forces in Afghanistan’s predominantly Tajik Jamiat-e Islami militia. However, speaking at a press conference in Islamabad this morning, Pakistani foreign minister Khawaja Muhammad Asif was quick to come to Paul’s defence, commenting: “#Logang”. Taliban leader Hibatullah Akhundzada was not available for comment, but sources close to him have expressed fear that his unswerving allegiance to Jake Paul, Logan’s brother, might prove a stumbling block in negotiations. Said the source: “Akhundzada appreciates Logan’s commitment to the #grind, but in this world factionism is king. Akhundzada is, always has been, and always will be, an everynight bro.”

8 Spring 2018 The Cheese Grater

Spotted in George Farha Cafe

UCL Cheese Grater Magazine Society President—Tara Sarangi Editor— Jason Murugesu and Jack Redfern Investigations Editor—Weronika Strzyzynska Humour Editor—Ollie Dunn

president@cheesegratermagazine.org editor@cheesegratermagazine.org investigations@cheesegratermagazine.org humour@cheesegratermagazine.org