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Issue 29

The alternative magazine of UCLU Also in this Issue Artistic Endeavour Slade students fight for their stomping ground p.3


UCLU Elections Dishing the dirt on the non-contest p.3 Fix You Chris Martin’s idiosyncratic tsunami response p.5 Kindergarten Crop Toddlers are losing in the job market p.6 Oh You Pretty Things Our fashion section imitates iconic images p.7


Why Edmonds is the Fritzl of daytime TV p.8

Wikileaks Wisdom Julian Assange’s guide to foreplay p.9

Registry occupiers threatened with expulsion The UCL biosphere was once again knocked out of equilibrium on 21 March by the third incarnation of UCL Occupation. At 2pm, around 40 students and activists swarmed across the quad to capture the UCL Registry complex in a planned siege. The protesters rapidly shifted into occupation mode, ejecting staff and forming committees, sub groups and meetings.

Following an original order to leave on the Monday, a final ultimatum was laid down by the management one day later insisting that if the entire occupation had not left by 5pm on 22 March, then anyone identifiable by CCTV would face disciplinary action from the College - up to and including expulsion. The rapid and stern re-

sponse seems to have divided strategy within the posse, especially amongst those approaching the end of their degree courses. There were scenes of former occupiers begging their comrades to leave as security staff ghosted around the South Junction shortly after the expiration of the deadline. Continued on page 2


The Cheese Grater Magazine | March 2011

Continued from page 1 At this stage there is uncertainty as to what repercussions will hit the group (UCL management refused to comment on punitive measures) but it is clear that a tougher line is being taken against this occupation in comparison to the last two. UCL Press Office has confirmed that management is looking to initiate court proceedings against the occupation as soon as possible. The occupiers hope that their actions will contribute to the overall political discourse, attracting attention to the UCU lecturers’ strikes taking place on 22 and 24 March. By voicing dissent now, they believe that they are helping build the storm that will wash over Whitehall on the 26 March, another day of action for the National Campaign Against Fees and Cuts.

Inconvenience to students However the timing and location of the disruption has been called into question. Several comments have appeared on the UCL Occupation blog from people claiming to be administrative staff who see the action as an inconvenience to students and Registry workers that will have little bearing on management decisions. UCL Registry - rather than being a pawn in Malcolm Grant’s world domination agenda - exists to provide services to students. These include short notice access to emergency funds to bridge the gap between student loan instalments, finalising exam timetables and printing academic transcripts. Since the occupation began all these activities have been brought to a halt. Registry has issued a statement confirming that its seven offices are closed until further notice. Some of the occupiers seemed unsure exactly what the Registry actually does, with ‘General Administration’ being a typical response; UCLU Education and Campaigns Officer Michael Chessum was reluctant to give an answer. When asked what the ambition

of this occupation was, one prominent activist mused, ‘I don’t think anyone knows yet, I’m sure we want something.’

Massive angry backlash No demands were actually issued until after the occupation had been asked to leave; at that point a statement calling on UCL not to implement tuition fee increases and to lobby against cuts was used to justify the siege. The occupation has sparked anger from some university and Union staff. Mandy Smith, UCLU Democracy and Engagement Officer commented that ‘picking the final week of term… doesn’t make any sense to me. As ever, rather than engaging [with] students they are setting themselves up for a massive angry backlash.’ While no one was willing to speak for the occupation as a whole, it is clear that its aim is expressly not to engage with students but rather to cause disruption and spread a message of solidarity. In these latter two goals, activists have certainly succeeded. There were mixed feelings over Trotsky Inc’s first attempt at campus revolution (see The Cheese Grater issue 27) but at least there was a clear and definable battle: the upcoming Parliamentary vote on tuition fees. Causing far more disruption with far less support, all for a rather indistinct target, implies that the activist core may be becoming aware of its marginalisation. Following a fall in numbers from around two hundred in the occupation of the Jeremy Bentham Room to around fifty involved occupying the Old Refectory and Registry, it seems that many have chosen to express their discontent by other means. The first occupation attracted journalists, comedians and musicians. The third has cast light on the unionist core that, although present throughout the movement, increasingly seems to be all that remains. The Old Refectory

Unite to fight: is union solidarity an ideal or a reality? occupation in February lacked the smiles, the cupcakes, the timeline, the dancing, the natural light and, most importantly, the Febreze, all of which were seen in the JBR Occupation. The importance of the right to non-violent action through civil disobedience cannot be underestimated,

but protest has to be popular to be effective. Depending on one’s viewpoint, the Registry Occupation could either be a solid statement of solidarity with the university unions or a disruption that distracts from the wider issue and drags students who wish to stand by their lecturers into the management’s line of fire. burgess’ manifesto. Somewhat ironic, given that he ran on the promise of working with ethics.

Elections Bitch Finance and Services alsoran Leela Paul was penalised for negative campaigning against fellow candidate Lee Harrison for instructing her campaign team to talk about his sex life. Unnamed sources proudly declared him to be a whore – a shame that this was in front of several members of the governance committee. If playing dirty wasn’t enough she also physically steered a bewildered voter onto her name when using an iPad to vote. iCheat. One of the magnificent seven who stood for Finance and Services Officer, Lee Harrisson, challenged the electorate to a game of spot the difference as he copied and pasted almost the entirety of incumbent FSO Matt

The wallpapering of toilets with manifestos appears to have really taken off this year, with FSO elect Tim Rees-Jones staring down from every available space. Jordan Mcbee got into the spirit of things, as his posters appeared overnight in several halls of residence. Filthy shits. Pi President Ed Malnick ruled that none of his journalistic serfs were allowed to second the left-leaning candidates James Skuse and Tim Rees-Jones, meaning that two senior editors had to withdraw their seconding at the last minute. However, Malnick himself seconded Tom Lewis for the position of Union chair. Is Pi finally taking a political stance that isn’t just Union mouthpiece? As candidates from the left, right and the centre propped up the union bars during campaign fortnight, talk turned to the incumbent Sabbs. Will Hall, outgoing Conservative Society President, finally got something off his chest: ‘Mandy is lovely but I prefer Michael… I must be pissed.’

The Slade: Lost in Space

The Cheese Grater Magazine | March 2011


Slade students fight back as UCL plans to relocate their department George Potts Students of the Slade School of Fine Art are mounting a campaign to defend their department’s location in the North Wing of UCL’s main quadrangle after documents emerged suggesting that it could be moved to accommodate ‘more public facing activities’.

full time student compared to an average of 7.8m² across the higher education sector.

The findings are taken from the Space Utilisation Survey (SUS), a report carried out last summer for UCL Estates and Facilities Division, which aims to help UCL maximise efficient use of its properties.

Slade students refute the idea that their department does not merit a prominent position in the Quad. Aaron Angell, a student involved in the campaign, commented: ‘the most important event in our calendar is the annual degree show season, a series of events which demand a prominent location and good public access, not just for us but also for the Bartlett who also use the building for their degree shows.

The report recommends significant changes to many of UCL’s current operations. Its findings show that the university currently has 14.8m² of space for every

‘It sounds like UCL management want to ship us off to some fucking warehouse somewhere so they can focus on their pathetic, fawning corporate image instead

Hannah Sketchley ‘I’VE DONE this before in Council. It can get messy.’ Thus spoke Tom Elliott, Union General Secretary, setting the tone with surprising foresight for an AGM that veered from the surreal to the incredibly dull to the even more incredibly un-democratic at the speed of a Sabbatical Suite donut race.

handed referenda tactics, political schisms in the sabbatical suite and partisan council splits, UCLU has seldom resorted to just telling its members how to vote on motions without letting them see what they are voting on, but this was just the start of the democratic degradation that defined this year’s annual farce.

It began by plumbing new depths in the style of the ‘Vote Yes’ referendum campaign, whereby the electorate was told simply to approve Reports to Council despite neither having seen nor even been given the gist of them.

Arguably the main event of the AGM was the attempt to pass a motion of no-confidence in Aaron Porter, incumbent NUS President, and NUS democracy, which caused the anticipated cross-theatre slanging match. Activities Officer Alex Karski dealt the first blow, demanding that the motion should not be debated at all ‘when the

Down Your Union

Despite a year of what have been described as under-

Clare Solomon goes back to class

of anything genuinely progressive and interesting.’ The SUS notes that both the North and South Wings are ‘currently occupied by groups that might be better accommodated elsewhere ... relocation of these groups and reuse of the buildings for functions needing the prominence of the location and availability for public access, would be a logical option in the future.’ According to the report, moving the Slade would allow art students the ‘space for experimentation, creativity and associated mess of an art studio’. However, the focus upon the prestigious Main Quadrangle position has led many to suggest that UCL management’s plan to relocate the Slade stems

poor bloke’s on his way out.’ Trustee Rich Brick, who blundered onto the political stage as leader of the No campaign for the Occupation Referendum earlier this year, argued that it be split into parts to remove the no-confidence. He was shouted down in turn by Trotsky Inc member Sol Gamsu for ‘pure partisan politics.’ Some irony there, one feels, given the record of Gamsu as serial walker-outer. By this point it is fair to say that everyone was lagging a bit and quoracy was called, and called again – and shouted in fact– before the electorate witnessed Mandy Smith’s swansong as Democracy and Engagement Officer, bawling

from it prioritising more lucrative corporate facilities that could be housed there over the university’s art department. Other parts of the SUS suggest that any relocation would result in a significant reduction in space. Earlier in the report the Slade is highlighted as having ‘more than twice [the amount of space] what is allowed for in the norms (sic.)’. Students began campaigning against the SUS suggestions recently when posters were put up around the Slade announcing: ‘we cannot let the barbarians win. We must fight for our school, and fight for our art.’ How long they will be able to hold onto their prime location now that Management has a whiff of corporate pie is anyone’s guess. at everyone to ‘get in your seats and hold up your green cards.’ Thus the AGM descended into a bizarre fusion of a primary school class suffering the misguided rage of a particularly inept supply teacher and a vicious visa check, as Smith and her governance minions struggled to maintain control and a head count. To nobody’s surprise, quoracy failed quite spectacularly and, in the manner of an unruly primary school class, the AGM ended not with a bang but with a singsong for Simon To’s birthday. The Cheese Grater would like to state that he is looking well for his age. What a bloody interesting meeting.


The Cheese Grater Magazine | March 2011

Hannah Sketchley UCL management has reneged on its promise to work towards implementing the London Living Wage for all staff. Some Refectory workers will face salary cuts of up to 25% now that Chartwells, the company to which the Refectory contracts are outsourced, has been given permission to restructure the contracts of its employees. People who have worked at UCL for up to ten years will face a pay cut of £2 per hour on top of the 20% annual cut to their headline wage.

have ever had the concerns of anyone but themselves at heart. While they give with one hand, they take three times more with the other. UCL has claimed that staff are being outsourced for efficiency reasons. However the Living Wage Campaign believes it would be more efficient to bring them back in house and claims that the ulterior motive of UCL management is to suppress union activity in the university and keep wages down. Protestors stormed the Refectory at lunchtime on Friday 18 March to raise awareness of these issues.

UCL management recently announced that all remaining in-house staff are to be outsourced while all current staff will face the same cuts as Refectory staff within two years, whilst keeping the same working conditions. Greg Brown, member of the London Living Wage Campaign, commented: ‘This is an absolute disgrace and gives lie to the myth that Malcolm Grant and UCL management

Sex fiend Max Mosley visits UCL

Society Bitch The end of the Bloomsbury Theatre season is nearly upon us and we’ve seen some big successes (Rich Watkins in drag) and some extreme embarrassments (Rich Watkins in drag). With any luck UCOpera will be able to turn their £20,000 deficit into a profit with The Three Pintos, showing now. Maybe. During the recent round of UCLU Clubs & Societies affiliation the following ludicrous applications were rejected: the Suit Society, which reportedly aimed to teach men ‘how to wear suits’, the Pole Fitness Society, which presumably would have been a stepping stone to Spearmint Rhino, and last but not least the Paediatric Society!? At least we now have T’Northern Society. Deep-fried Mars bars, anyone?

RON is your friend, like RON Weasley and RON Burgundy. Vote RON because RON is your friend. RON knows who Tom Bance is. Vote RON because RON sticks up for the little guy. Vote RON because RON doesn’t forget about you, big guy! If you really care about this union vote RON #1 every time. Remember to self-define as LGBT - it’s important to RON everyone. Seconded by Alex Karski, Alex Nesbitt, Leo-Alexander Nicholas, Michael Chessum, Matthew Burgess, Mandy Smith, Suliaman Zaheer, Oliver Geffen, Bill Bright, Mohamed Ougouadfel, Thomas Elliott, Ahmad Malik, Greg Brown, Mohammed Subhan, Laura Terry, James Skuse

News in Brief Airline halted by no-fly zone British Airways’ decision to divert all international flights through Libyan airspace was put in doubt on 17 March by the declaration of no-fly zone from the UN Security Council . The airline has recently spent millions of pounds on the ‘Come Fly With Me…through Libya’ advertising campaign, but this money may have been wasted following the announcement. The UN-backed no-fly zone is a response to Libyan President Muammar Gaddafi’s bombing of revolutionary rebels in Benghazi, news of which BA executives were ‘completely unaware’. Now any planes flying in the region face the threat of fighter jet attacks and surface-to-air missiles, dangers that BA will be keen to avoid. Company CEO Keith Williams cut a dejected figure at a recent press conference as he was forced to admit to serious misjudgements. ‘We just wanted people to see Libya,’ he said, ‘even if they were only there for a couple of hours – it’s such a fantastic country.’ Col. Gaddafi was approached for comment but refused to speak about the BA debacle on the grounds that he was ‘too busy’; clearly the effects of this decision are being felt deeply both here and in North Africa.


Chris Martin Cameron Margaret has bath for announces ThatcherJapan Eurovision milk snatch! Rock icon Chris Martin referendum The political elite braved wintery weather in Whitehall last week at the unveiling of a statue to commemorate Lady Thatcher. The piece left many shocked and shame-faced however, as a sixteen-times scale sculpture of Lady Thatcher’s vagina cast in seductive zillion-coloured white Egyptian marble was revealed. Controversial Chinese artist Ai Wee-Wee, best known previously for filling the HMS Belfast with ball bearings in a piece called ‘Raincoat Underling’, was commissioned to create an artwork celebrating Thatcher 80 ½th birthday. The sculpture has instigated fierce public debate, however, and plans to switch on the built-in fountain have been delayed until the matter can be discussed in Parliament. Speaking non-exclusively to The Cheese Grater, WeeWee explained ‘Lady Thatcher pursued a highly masculine image while in power despite being a smooth and sensual woman. Thus I thought a giant sculpture of her vagina would be a subtle reminder that she is in fact a Lady.’ The artwork, suspended by wires above the cenotaph actually appears to be a giant floating vagina, all White given the Egyptian marble used for the installation. ‘I thought of using Egyptian marble after a famous quote describing her as having the eyes of Caligua.’ The Chinaman has a history of using innovative materials for his sculptures; creating images of Pope Ratzinger out of used condoms and a life-size Paul McCartney out of wood splinters from prosthetic legs.

Not what BA had in mind

The Cheese Grater Magazine | March 2011

spent a week drinking Sake in his bath to show solidarity with Japan following the tsunami on 11 March. The Coldplay singer spent a total of six days bathing, getting out only three times for ‘unavoidable Waitrose trips’ and once to do the school run.

Diplomatic relations jerked into crisis-mode on 21 March when David Cameron vowed to make good on his promise of a full referendum on the Eurovision Song Contest in an interview with The Daily Express.

Martin, a UCL alumnus, was moved to action by pictures of Japan’s North Eastern coast that were beamed around the world in the wake of the disaster. ‘Seeing the trouble those little yellow fellas were going through really put me in my place,’ he said, ‘I yelled at my TV, “Don’t panic! I’m going to fix you!”’

‘Come May 5, the people of Britain will have the opportunity to finally choose: in or out,’ enthused the Prime minister. ‘Shopkeepers, nurses, bricklayers: You’re making your mind up!’ The ‘in’ campaign has a handsome £130m war chest, with donations from the powerful Sequin Manufacturers’ Union. ‘The UK should not enter Eurovision, until the losers of the war play by British rules,’ said a boring man. ‘These should be set out by the British Broadcasting Corporation, not some pseudo club for eurotwats. How they are an effective governing body when they meet only once a year each May is beyond me.’

The Coldplay front man also demanded that his wife Gwyneth Paltrow park the couple’s fleet of twelve Toyota Prius cars as close as possible to the entrance of their Somerset mansion. Two verandas and a summerhouse on the estate were also destroyed in order to mirror the now familiar pictures of the post-tsunami devastation. In a further display of grief, the singer closed his yogic garden centre indefinitely following the quake, but it is now running a reduced service as a mark of respect to the dead Asked why it was necessary to be nude during the watery sit-in, Martin enigmatically replied, ‘I’m having a bath.’

At this point the tiresome man wiped the sweat from his brow with a string of Cumberland sausages before continuing, ‘It costs too much, and British people have no say over the outcome! The competition is rife with tactical voting and protectionist music policy. Did you know that the Common Audio Policy is the biggest barrier to emerging African artists? Utterly contemptible!’ A few moments later the drivel continued: ‘Over 92% of our laws in this country come from 1975 Dutch outfit TeachIn, who won with their hit, “Ding-a-dong”. Well, we say that British Doorbells go dingdong! That superfluous syllable symbolises everything that’s wrong with this contest.’


The Cheese Grater Magazine | March 2011

Easter Bunny Scandal Rabbit’s image loses its Sheen Martini Sadweather The Anglican Church announced the sacking of the Easter Bunny yesterday, after the latest in a series of bizarre interviews, in which he violently attacked the producer of the hit long-running Drama, Two and a Half Days (and Another Half to Resurrect). In this sensational interview, the Easter Bunny said, ‘This Jesus guy, he is a complete charlatan. I’ve spent the past 500 years turning his tin cans into pure gold. He’s a complete clown, I can barely put up with his crap for much longer. ‘ The Easter Bunny’s life has taken several hard knocks owing this string of hareraising confessions, all linked to his excessive drug use. After bizarre interviews where he confessed to ‘banging out 7 gram carrots’ and claiming he is currently ‘on a drug

[which is] called the Easter Bunny’, concerns have been expressed over his mental health. When asked whether he might be suffering from the degenerative disease Myxomatosis, the erratic rabbit replied only, ‘I’m myxoma-winning’. Fellow celebrity rodents such as Bugs Bunny and brothers Peter and Roger Rabbit have reached out to him, offering advice after their own terrible vegetable addictions. It would appear that he is unaffected by such appeals however, preferring to remain in his warren all day with Jessica Rabbit and the Playboy Bunny, both of whom he is currently dating. The rampant rabbit is apparently unfazed by his sacking. ‘This is very good news,’ he said. ‘They continue to be in breach, like so many fish. It is a big day of gladness at the Sober Valley Warren because now I can take

all of their chocolate, I never have to look at Beardy again, and I never have to hand eggs to toothless, armless children. After all the scandal surrounding the Easter Bunny’s be-

haviour, his publicist resigned, claiming, ‘Much as I love the Easter Bunny and all, after this much sugar, I don’t think I could be anyone’s publicist.’ He is now rumoured to be in a diabetic coma at his home in LA.

Employers Leave Them Kids Alone

New studies reveal that young achievers are losing out in the job market J. G. Smoothley Well-qualified school leavers are finding it harder than ever to find employment, with a new poll showing that top city firms are rejecting 65% of primary school graduates prior to the interview stage. Intelligent students are being forced to spend ever longer in the education system, often only to signal to employers their work potential and determination. Casey, 6, sent out over fifty applications following reception class last year and did not receive a single interview. He now thinks he might have to achieve Key Stage Three before he’ll be able to land his dream job at Slaughter and May, a top-shelf legal outfit.

‘I shouldn’t have to put my ambition on ice while the education system catches up with me,’ Casey spits. ‘Just because I won’t eat the crusts on my bread, that doesn’t mean I’m somehow incapable of doing the job. I’m ready; these dicklicks just won’t give me the chance!’ Christopher Grip, head of HR at PricewaterhouseCoopers, sees things quite differently, however. ‘We can’t even look at candidates who haven’t got a level 4 at Key Stage Two,’ he said, adding, ‘our resources won’t allow it.’ ‘There simply has to be a cut off,’ argues David Childs, managing partner at Clifford Chance. ‘Once upon a time, you knew where you

were with the OCR Playtime Certificate: these guys were no mugs. I’m talking quality sandcastle builders. Nowadays, they’re giving them away!’ However, increasing numbers of people are suggesting that in these chastened economic climes, we can little afford the luxury of putting the next generation through a system that so obviously fails to prepare young people for work, arguing for an increase in vocational and apprenticeship style roles for the under-10s. ‘Potato prints are great and everything, but I want to work for NASA. Try telling that to Michael Gove,’ mused Walter, 7, before proceeding to tip sand into Polly Riesling’s lunchbox.

Contributors: John Bell, Molly FitzMaurice, Zefi Hennessy Holland, Emily McGovern, Marina Merryweather, Freddi Miller, George Potts, Luke Prince, Olivia Pyper, Thom Rhoades, Claire Roberts, Sara Schulman, David Simpson, Hannah Sketchley, Tim Smith, Max Titmuss, Madeline Wee

The Cheese Grater Magazine | March 2011

Cheesy Fashion


Pi Magazine aren’t the only ones who can fill pages with pointless photos of themselves

James Bond

Chubby Roy Brown

Suit: Matalan Bow Tie: Borrowed from James Skuse

Jumper: Topman Hair: Model’s own

London Fashion Week @PMQs BrumMP: Will the @PM10 join me in sympathising with the people of #Japan? Balls: @YCooper What’s for dinner tonight? PM10: The whole #HOC sends their support and deepest sympathy to the people of #Japan. YCooper: @Balls Was thinking probs chicken and something. Did you finish the leftover casserole? Xlabmin: Will the @PM10 sack @PrinceA for bringing the country into disrepute with #massagegirls? Backbenchmp: @XLabmin #massagegirls! I’m going to follow @PrinceA Conmp: RT@Backbenchmp Me too! Libdemmp: RT@Conmp What he said… Balls: @YCooper What casserole? Bercow: Could I remind the Rt Hon Members to put their fucking phones away! #pmqs #HOCMPS

Sergio Georgini London Fashion Week 2011 set out to make the subordinate look sassy, and wow did it work. Designers broke taboo with style and once again fashion made inequality feel comfortable and look AMAZING.

walk by their hair dressed in elegant gowns …it was beautiful. Event organiser Machia Star gave her thoughts: ‘It’s time women embraced their femininity and stop fooling themselves,’ she said, ‘dressing like a man doesn’t make you more capable. We want women to accept themselves for who they really are.’

Chauvinist chique was the name of the game as the fashion world followed John Galliano’s lead of taking inspiration from prejudice. Each collection was draped in degradation from Taki Hokuwoka’s controversial ‘Where’s my belt bitch?!’ t-shirt to Marc Jacobs’ ingenious corset-sink. While the man indulges, the woman can continue with the washing up…now that’s multi-tasking. The piece de resistance was undoubtedly Valentino. He brought true emotion to his show when he had two female models dragged down the cat-

Black and blue is the new black: Valentino’s muse


The Cheese Grater Magazine | March 2011

Sticking it to the McMahon Deal or No Meal K.Y. Bonjela gets oiled up with Downing Street’s unexpected new spin-king.

A transcript uncovered by The News of the World exposes the dark secret behind ‘Deal or No Deal’

From mid-July World Wrestling Entertainment’s Vince McMahon will work alongside the Downing Street press office, bringing all the machismo and oneliners he can carry with him.

(Phone ringing)

‘There is a lot of work to be done,’ McMahon explains. ‘Politics is getting soft. Once I’m through, Dave [Cameron] won’t be taking any sass at PMQs. Tricky policy question from Ed Miliband? Dave will cross the floor, stand an inch from Ed’s face, and, nostrils flaring, grunt something like “why don’t you get back to your Atari 2600, Sillyband?”’ McMahon also hinted that the public could expect to see carefully staged surprise ‘legislation invasions’, in which former heavyweight parliamentarians storm into the Commons and scatter policy proposals onto the floor. In the words of Lord Prescott, such distractions are thought to facilitate ‘actually bloody running the coun-

try for a change, and it must be stopped. Just think what Thatcher could have done if no one had noticed the things that she was doing. Terrifying.’ Elaborately manufactured storylines will include a backbench revolt; a Hague related farming fiasco, and a live civil partnership ceremony between Theresa May and Lynne Featherstone. In his new book Selling Shite with a Smile: How we Lied Using Words, Labour PR bigwig Alistair Campbell notes that ‘when Gordon was in charge, David had no interest in going toe-to-toe. Gordon could have him, and they both knew it. I recall one occasion when Gordon, flanked by John Prescott and Ed Balls, walked straight up to David after PMQs and knocked a pile of papers right out of his hand. No one could believe it! Still, that was Gordon for you, he hated paper.’ McMahon declined to speak to The Cheese Grater but a spokesperson asked if we could smell what he was cooking.

Noel Edmonds: Hello? Voice: For the love of God let me out of here Noel! I want to die. Let me die!

It’s my son’s birthday today Noel, I beg you! Edmonds: He says you’ll be a brave woman to turn down the next offer, don’t be a hero. Voice: What happened to the woman with the food? I’m so hungry Noel. Edmonds: He’s scared of you. You’re playing a very shrewd game. Voice: Noel, I’ll do anything, just don’t make me do this again. What do I have to do to get out of here? Edmonds: He says he’s thinking of a number.

Edmonds: twat?

Voice: Jesus Christ. Fine (pauses) …£40,000.

Edmonds: He says he’s got a good feeling about your game today. He likes you.

Edmonds: He’s made you the very generous offer of £30,000.

(audience laughter)

Voice: That’s not what I…

Voice: Not this shit again! Please! You’ve been keeping me here for six fucking years!

*end of transcript*

The Historical Adventures of David Cameron

UCL Union Cheese Grater Magazine Society Student Publication of the Year - UCL Union Arts Awards 2006, 2007, 2008, 2009 President and Editor: Thom Rhoades Treasurer: Max Titmuss E-mail : Humour Desk: UCL Union Cheese Grater Magazine Society, UCL Union, 25 Gordon Street, London WC1H 0AY The views expressed herein are not necessarily those of UCL Union or the editor.

Cheese Grater Magazine - issue 29  

In this issue: UCL Occupation is back with a bang; we investigate UCL's plans to relocate the Slade; Chris Martin has a bath for Japan; Davi...

Cheese Grater Magazine - issue 29  

In this issue: UCL Occupation is back with a bang; we investigate UCL's plans to relocate the Slade; Chris Martin has a bath for Japan; Davi...