Cheese Grater Magazine - issue 27

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The alternative magazine of UCLU Also in this Issue Conflict of Interest Michael Chessum implicated in NUS dithering p.2 Solidarity?

A special report on the JBR sleepover p.3 Slasher and Blitzen Santa pulls the plug on Christmas p.5 A Witch Bothered and Bewildered An interview with Emma Watson p.6

Inv-Asian

The King’s-UCL rivalry goes nuclear p.7

Tofu Tales

A dolphin-friendly literary review p.8

She-who-must-notbe-named Royal Wedding p.8

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The Cheese Grater Magazine | December 2010

N.U.Essum

Could a UCLU Sabb be the reason behind the ‘spineless dithering’ of the NUS? UCLU Education and Campaigns Officer Michael Chessum’s dual roles as freedom fighter extraordinaire and Sabbatical Officer have again led to complaints from Union members. These follow the disclosure of a leaked email from NUS president Aaron Porter claiming that Chessum deliberately misled him to gain support for the UCL Occupation.

On Sunday 28 Novem-

ber the occupation’s blog was proud to report a visit from Porter. During a short speech he voiced his full support for all five demands that were put to him and defended non-violent occupation as a legitimate means of protest.

He also apologised for the ‘spineless dithering’ that had apparently afflicted the NUS thus far. Unfortunately for the NUS, it now seems

that this visit could have done with a little more dithering, or at least some basic planning.

An email leaked to The Cheese Grater shows how Porter failed to properly check the UCL Union position on the occupation before providing his support, going against NUS policy to only follow individual member unions. The email from Porter is a reply to an individual within UCL Union questioning the support of the NUS for an occupation that has not yet received union backing. The response from Porter states that Chessum had told him that the occupation was indeed supported by UCLU.

Porter claimed he would not have entered if he had been properly informed. The email from Porter closes by saying: ‘I’m really sorry, I should have had the foresight to have thought I could have been misled – but didn’t think I would be by a SU Officer. I have clearly learnt an important lesson!’

Porter has since backed down on several of the demands agreed: there is no Continued on page 4

Society Bitch After last year’s spending spree and less than satisfactory budgetary handling it now seems that the Conservative Society has limited it’s drink allowance at events to £50. Heaven knows how one could debate without port! Jolly good.

A facebook message recent sent around the Men’s Rugby encouraged all members to ‘undermine the union in every possible and petty way’. Perhaps this has something to do with their upcoming disciplinary hearing. Is rugger buggered?

When members of the UCL Occupation witnessed around 30 people come into the JBR they must have thought Christmas had come early! Unfortunately for them it was Hockey Club who had come to stir up trouble. After they remembered that they don’t like Clubs & Societies the occupation asked the Hockey members to leave. #intimidatedbylads?

Cycling Club has emailed all members to apologise for a ‘lack of activity’ this term. Despite asking for a £5 membership fee, it seems that the committee has been ‘a bit preoccupied’ by upcoming exams. Tour de Farce.

The Cheese Grater Magazine | December 2010

UCL Occupation: Special Report

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As the occupation approaches its two week anniversary, The Cheese Grater examines how it has divided the campus On Friday 3 December occupants from UCL and the Slade School of Fine Art breathed a sigh of relief as it was announced that UCL management’s court case against them had been adjourned until the following Tuesday. The previous day they had been issued with a Possession Order

by UCL, summoning them to a court hearing to argue their case; had they lost, bailiffs may well have been called in.

While Provost Prof Malcolm Grant was away in India on 24 November, approximately 150 students occupied the Jeremy Bentham Room (JBR) in protest against proposed government cuts to higher education.

In the subsequent ten days the UCL Occupation garnered international media coverage, built up over 3,400 Twitter followers and sparked campus-wide debate and division for both its demands and the actions it has taken.

Media attention has been great, far greater than that of the 24 other student occupations which have occurred across the UK- for some of which UCL Occupation has now become a figurehead for. However many UCL students themselves are still to be convinced.

The Big Society The protests have polarised student opinion on campus, in particular in relation to UCLU societies. Aside from UCL management, student groups also make use of the JBR and it was their relationships with the UCL Occupation that would provide the acid test of the occupation’s ability to accommodate the student population.

The first instance of this came when Musical Theatre Society required use of the JBR for the dress rehearsal of their Bloomsbury production ‘Anything Goes’. Despite a heated meeting arguing the various merits of allowing Mu-

sical Theatre to use the room, discussions broke down when UCL Occupation was unable to accommodate an eight hour rehearsal on 28 November.

While they were able to offer Musical Theatre an alternative room in Soho in which to rehearse negotiations ultimately broke down as this was felt to not adequately cater for the needs of the society.

Chessum Dorma The UCLU Orchestra rely on the JBR as it is the only room in UCL that can accommodate their 83 musicians with instruments and maintain any semblance of acoustics. When Music Society president Astrid Hjerting tried to negotiate use of the room she was told that usage was conditional on her sending a letter to UCL management supporting the Occupation.

Constitutionally unable to speak for the political views of students she was elected to represent, Hjerting was temporarily left without a room until the orchestra was luckily able to negotiate a last minute booking in ULU. Two further JBR bookings held by the Music Society are still in temporary limbo.

Dance, Debating and Economics and Finance Society have also had events cancelled. When the president of Dance Society went into the occupation to negotiate use of the JBR she was called a ‘stupid dance bitch’ and a ‘stuck up public school girl’ by occupants. While these were the insults of one or two individuals and not the occupation as a whole, the president of a major UCLU society left the JBR upset and feeling that its Open Space was not open to her.

When asked for comment UCL Occupation refused to take responsibility for inconveniencing students and instead stated that ‘management are employing deliberately divisive strategies in an attempt to turn sections of the student body

against us.’ This response seems unlikely when you consider that UCL possesses no other space capable of catering for certain specialised events; however it does raise the issue of why UCL has failed to protect the interests of apolitical societies. One UCLU Sabbatical Officer compared UCL’s silence on the occupation to be like ‘the parents are away and the kids are just fucking up the house’.

A motion was passed in the JBR this Wednesday, agreeing to accommodate clubs and societies wherever possible. However this may be too little too late following a week of disruption to the day-to-day running of UCLU. Everybody’s Chalking At Me On the evening of 28 November slogans were chalked by occupiers across the UCL campus. While these caught the eye of many, the following morning students were met with the sight of the very cleaners supported by the occupation’s demands scrubbing graffiti off the walls of Foster Court. Some students were particularly appalled by the fact that graffiti had been drawn on the Portico’s war memorial plaque.

Sources suggest however that graffiti was the action of a minority. Apparently one leading figure wrote it up on an events board without having fully discussed it. This was followed by a rushed meeting to decide upon whether such action was necessary at 1am, minutes before the graffiti was drawn.

Chalk slogans still remain scrawled across the main quad, with management claiming that professional cleaning costs will be approximately £10,000.

However some feel that this figure has been exaggerated by UCL in order to further split student opinion on campus.

Certainly the university has The art of politics: something the Slade did...

been conspicuously slow to act upon the graffiti, choosing to let it remain there for the week.

The vandalism has been reported to the Metropolitan Police.

UCL Union had previously threatened that it would clean the graffiti itself in time for the Christmas carol concert next week and would subsequently charge the occupation for the cleaning. The occupation is yet to officially respond to this proposal.

Wipe The Slade Clean The Slade School of Fine Art also occupied on 30 November, with papers against them submitted by UCL on the afternoon of the following day.

It has also been rumoured that the Modern Languages department have considered going into occupation themselves in a separate protest, following the merging of their separate departments earlier this year.

I Fought The Law In a meeting with the occupation on 26 November, Vice-Provost for Operations Rex Knight affirmed that legal proceedings were not being taken.

Continued overleaf

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The Cheese Grater Magazine | December 2010

That no action had yet been taken was confirmed again as late as 9am on 1 December, when a statement was issued requesting that students leave the JBR by 11am the same day. These claims have been undermined however by legal documents which show that initial submissions were made to the court by UCL as early as the morning of 26 November, only an hour after Knight met with the occupation.

The documents submitted by Eversheds LLP on behalf of UCL include much material lifted from the occupation’s website and Twitter feed, such as photos of the graffiti and the JBR. UCL lists in its court papers that the cost of the occupation has been approximately £30,000, allowing for security costs, the cleaning of graffiti and the loss of catering revenue. This does not however include legal fees or room hire bookings, which are likely to be far more.

Dancing in the Moonshine One of the weirdest accusations from the document is that occupants have been producing their own ‘home brew’; this is based purely on UCL security finding three empty 30 litre containers near the JBR. Needless to say, the accusation is completely untrue.

A court hearing was scheduled for 3 December at 2pm, with one representative from each of the JBR and Slade occupations present; court has now been adjourned until 10:30am on the 7th. Representatives should they lose and UCL decide to pursue charges – are

N.U.Essum Continued from page 2

longer public support for all student occupations on the front page of the NUS website and he has not since called for a new wave of occupations.

Chessum responded to the email on 30 November and denied all wrongdoing, claiming that he had not (in his UCLU capacity at least) spoken to Porter on the subject of the UCL occupation until he ‘bumped into’ him outside the occupation itself.

Regardless of whether he spoke to Porter or not, Chessum’s parallel role within the National Campaign Against Fees and Cuts does breed spec-

personally liable to be fined in the region of £3-5,000. Funding groups have been set up in an attempt to cover these costs.

So far the occupations have only been charged with a possession order. However a court injunction seems likely to follow if this is not enough, with UCL having suggested to The Cheese Grater that this was being sought.

OMG EGM FML An Extraordinary General Meeting for UCLU to support the occupation has been scheduled for Monday 6 December at 5pm, following a petition gaining the required 500 votes. If this is passed it would mandate the Union to publically voice support for the occupation; an interesting prospect considering how damning some UCLU sabbatical officers have been of it.

Tensions on this issue continue to run high as opinion on campus is markedly split, with many of those opposed to the Browne Report also now opposed to the UCL Occupation. One particular article in the EGM motion, which claims that the occupation has ‘worked with students to minimise disruption to education and society activities’, will no doubt be heavily refuted by societies such as Music and Musical Theatre.

as public endorsements from public figures including Noam Chomsky, Jeremy Corbyn and Polly Toynbee are some of its most prominent achievements.

Any group which has pressured the NUS President to publically apologise for ‘spineless dithering’ has clearly also mustered significant political clout on a national student level. It has also gained the widespread support of academic staff – with the UCL University and College Union voting to support it – and has organised a wide variety of talks and lectures in an attempt to draw more students into the JBR. However the question still remains as to what the real effect

been alienated from the cause because of the extent to which they have been inconvenienced, an alienation which has been exacerbated by rash actions such as the chalking of campus.

Debating Society - in conjunction with the occupants have arranged a debate for Monday on the rights and wrongs of UCL Occupation. Held in a neutral venue with speakers for and against, it will be perhaps the best indicator of what students think but also the best opportunity for either side to win others over to their cause. As the Parliament vote approaches (Thursday 9 December) and UCL management moves to

The eternal question: chalked on the walls of the Quad

In terms of media coverage there is no denying the enormous impact that the UCL Occupation has brought about. Press coverage including The Guardian, BBC and New Statesman as well

of the occupation has been at a student level on campus. The issue of higher education cuts has received attention on an unprecedented scale. But in terms of gaining greater student participation the occupants themselves remain a minority, as they began.

Certainly high ranking figures in UCLU and some societies have

shut the occupation down, students continue to debate. One thing is clear: tensions and divisions are no longer exclusively about cuts, they are now also focused on the occupation itself.

ulation as to who exactly he is and isn’t speaking for when he gives a statement to the media or when he communicates with other bodies such as the NUS. Given this ambiguity, if Chessum did talk to Aaron Porter inviting or authorising him to speak at the occupation, would it have been unreasonable for the NUS president to expect him to be speaking on behalf of UCL Union and its students, who he is paid over £20,000 per year to represent?

Chessum further undermined his awkward efforts to juggle his job and his campaigning by joining a Facebook group telling students to vote in favour

of the motion at the Extraordinary General Meeting scheduled for 6 December. He has also been encouraging others voting the same way to arrive early in order to swamp the lecture theatre. Neither of these actions is appropriate behaviour for a Sabbatical Officer who is paid by UCL Union to remain neutral, not merely to push his own policies through the mouthpiece that the Union provides.

Porter’s offence of administrative neglect however, while not irrelevant, is by no means an adequate explanation for the miserable inconsistency of the NUS, who have now reverted to their original position

of targeting LibDem MPs after Sunday’s more militant episode.

Perhaps if the NUS is to have any hope of maintaining respectability, it needs to stop pretending that all students have the same view on all issues. The purpose of Sunday’s public support for occupations was apparently to avoid ‘a civil war within the student movement’.

However Porter’s decision to backtrack on his promises has merely incited this further. Given that there is no single policy with total student support, the return to quieter, more impartial behaviour on his part may be the best line the NUS can tread.

The Story Continues

GP, TS, HS & LP

A Browne Christmas

The Cheese Grater Magazine | December 2010

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Day of violent protest in Lapland as Santa announces yet more cuts Protests in Central Lapland last week defied expectations as over 50,000 children joined a march to express their concerns over planned cuts to this year’s Present Budget.

Scenes turned violent when the children reached Toy Headquarters and began to build snowmen and smash baubles while pumping out Christmas carols from a makeshift sound system. One of these children has been arrested for attempted murder after throwing a Yule log from the top of the building.

Controversy was sparked when, in this year’s spending review, Christmas was slashed from twelve days to seven.

Santa Claus, leader of the Toy Party, also announced redundancies of two frontline reindeer at a meeting of the ‘Sleigh Operations Committee’.

Further plans are being

made to reduce the number of households that he will be visiting in December. Children at the protest vented their fears that the houses with finest sherry and largest chimneys will be treated preferentially.

Saint Nicholas Cleggnog, who has become known as ‘Mrs. Claus’, standing in

for his husband at Santa’s Grotto on the day in question, spoke with passion in defence of the government plans: ‘Nice and naughty can no longer be the sole criteria by which we decide present distribution. I do not think that it is unreasonable to expect a vintage sherry in return for a

Smashing: Toys ‘R’ Us bears the brunt of Christmas Ire

Our Favourite Placards: Tuesday 30 November

(advertising features)

Have you always wanted to experience al fresco living in the heart of London?Come to Byng Place! Cunningly hidden from the tourist trail and yet of no benefit to residents, this long-awaited masterpiece of paving is now fully open – just in time for Winter! Enjoy overpriced coffee in the cold! Wonder at just why it took them two years to lay some fucking slabs! Marvel at just how £200 000 was spent on so little!

(To find: Stumble out of ULU towards Gordon Square. Byng Place is the bit where you fall into the path of a taxi you thought was careering towards you on the path because there’s no fucking difference between pavement and road anymore.)

world class present. I admit that, perhaps, I was misguided when I signed the “Good Will To All Men” pledge.’

These measures are the latest in a long stream of controversial Christmas policies.

This year, the length of the word ‘Gloria’ in ‘Hosanna in Excelsis’ will be reduced to three syllables and there is now only room for two kings on the ‘We Three Kings’ committee.

In addition to these difficult cuts, children raised on Child Benefit monies will be required to work as elves to make presents for the more fortunate. The campaigns officer from the ‘Union for the Children of Lapland’ (UCL), Michael Chestnut, had this to say: ‘This is a clear example of forced labour in the modern world: Santa Claus is a complete sleigh driver’.

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The Cheese Grater Magazine | December 2010

THE BIG INTERVIEW For ten years the world has followed the blossoming career of Emma Watson as wandbothering Hermione Granger in the Harry Potter movies.

But with filming now complete on the films that made her a reported fortune of £40 million, what could be next for Britain’s hottest starlet? Our reporter Docklands Bob called her up to find out.

EW: Hello?

DB: First thing first love, what the fuck have you done to your hair?

EW: Who is this?

DB: Never you mind who I am love. You need to sort your life out and stop walking around looking like Oliver Twist. No one wants to screw a dirty pageboy.

EW: Where did you get my…

DB: …And what’s the deal with these spotty oiks you’ve been going about with?

EW: Who? DB: The tit with the glasses that can’t move his neck- you

doing him are you?

EW: Excuse me?

DB: Scar boy. He your boyfriend is he? You need to sort yourself right out, stop putting it about with these uptight

Do they care it’s Christmas Time?

ent, it’ll be like they’re already there. It’s a small world after all – especially for these guys, most of them will have never even left their village!

4. A gun. What better way to show your respect for African self-sufficiency than to provide them with the means to defend themselves. Kids will definitely be jealous of your new gun, so it is probably the first thing you will need to defend.

5. Another gun. Cowboys and Indians just isn’t

Do your bit for charity: Here are some top gift suggestions to turn Africa’s frown upside down during the festive season.

1. Heard of sending a goat? Now it’s time to send the body of Raoul Moat.

Solve our problems and theirs – we get to degrade the body of a violent murderer, and they get a good meal.

2. Why not simply send your usual round robin Christmas letter? Nothing goes down better in the Niger Delta than news of Grandad and his fungal infection this year. Photos optional.

3. Disney dollars. We all know that the little subSaharan chappies won’t be able to make it to Orlando, or even Paris any time soon, but with this thoughtful pres-

nonces. That ginger lad wants a punch too– the snotty little scrotbag. I bet you’re seeing to him as well, noshing on his ginger carrot–he’s never had it so good.

EW: Rupert and Dan are very dear to me.

DB: Oh she’s got a voice, has she? Little Miss ‘I’m a confusingly attractive twelve-yearold tart’. I learnt to use the Internet for you!

EW: Sorry, what?

DB: And what’s all this about you going to some stuck-up Yank university?

EW: I’m majoring in English Literature at Brown.

DB: Oh well fuck me! Dolly bird trying to get some smarts is she? Listen...

(End of Transcript)

the same without the fear of imminent death. Get back to basics with this pair of potentially lethal weapons 6. ‘Dead Aid’ by Dambisa Moyo. Find out why your country is up shit creek without a paddle. Excellent for engaging in political discussions over the turkey.

7. A copy of The Cheese Grater. Everyone loves union gossip and angry, borderline offensive jokes, regardless of where they come from, right?

Contributors: John Bell, Clio Cornish, Molly FitzMaurice, Ryan Hakimian, Marina Merryweather, Frederica Miller, George Potts, Luke Prince, Olivia Pyper, Thom Rhoades, Hannah Sketchley, Tim Smith, Max Titmuss, Madeline Wee.

Koreas Advice

The Cheese Grater Magazine | December 2010

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North-South relations never got so frosty Increasingly forceful academic scuffles threatened to break the peace this month, as the northern campus UCL launched a devastating academic attack on their southern neighbours, King’s.

The frosty relations that had been building over the preceding months were shattered in an instant during the merciless attacks, which consisted of the barraging of an outlying King’s academic building with civil, but unmistakeably angry letters.

The strongly worded missiles circled the earth 12 times before hitting their targets with chilling precision 2-5 working days later. Kings are understood to be considering their options, although rumours that the media office is preparing a press release detailing KCLs nuclear capabilities are gaining traction.

A warhead is thought to have been planted inside Jeremy Bentham’s trousers decades ago

as part of an earlier prank in retaliation for the gang rape of the Kings mascot, Reggie the Lion.

This news follows the long history of intellectual skirmish from both sides, notable examples including UCLs 1968 introduction of literary journal ‘Anals of Strand Poly’ which regularly published articles under the names of leading Kings lecturers on mundane tasks such as how to tie shoelaces, how to drink from a glass without spilling it on yourself and on how to adequately counter Wittgensteinian language game theory.

King’s College returned fire with barbed strikes of their own, letting loose their fury by supplying a strategically important UCL laboratory with low grade conical flasks.

More recently, in 2009 UCL vanquished several King’s researchers by having their experiments crushed by peer reviews. Professor Burt Burlington of the UCL Institute of

The News in Brief Wikileaks

Every man, woman, child, dog and amoeba reeled in shock on 29 November as anti-naughty organisation Wikileaks revealed that diplomats and politicians occasionally badmouth each other when backs are turned.

In particular, the cables detail rumours that revered world leaders such as Silvio Berlusconi, Robert Mugabe and Mahmoud Ahmedinejad behave, on occasion, like twats .

The lucky journalists from The Guardian (subjective- ed.) are being spoonfed endless tales of political bitchiness, and they’re eating it up like the greedy Waitrose hamsters they are.

The real shame about the Guardian coverage, however is that free speech icon Julian Assenge, the founder of Wikileaks, comes across as a petty gossipmonger when he’s actually a concerned

and courageous alleged rapist. I smell a conspiracy!

Happiness Tax

Plans are afoot in government to tax the happiest members of society. After the first ‘Happiness Index’ is released in 2012, George Osbourne hopes to implement a proportional tax based on citizens’ net euphoric income or ‘Larry quotient’.

Opposition leader Ed Milliband criticised the proposed fiscal initiative as ‘unworkable’. He claimed that jovial individuals would be able to cheat on payments simply by ‘remembering the troops’.

The measurement system is based on the findings of Dr. Archibald Larry.

It is thanks to his pioneering work on Ebulliance Systems and Hedonic Impulse Technology (EbullSHIT) that the people of Coventry are able to simulate joy on a daily basis.

Dr. Larry was unavail-

Fusion Technology wrote that, “The work by Doctors Knight and Hutchinson while arrestingly obvious and unquestionably practical is both strikingly original and fundamentally brilliant.” Only to add, “That said, I’d rather dip my honeyed ballbag into a wasps’ nest than work on the Strand.”

The attacks have caused serious tensions, particularly with close allies of both universities. The once-major player on the intercollegiate stage, Imperial College, called for the prevention of any escalating confrontation, while UCL’s closest neighbour, communist institute SOAS, expressed a good deal of concern. A spokesman said: “We hope the relevant parties do more to preserve research in the central London district.”

The Northern institute has been facing a period of structural upheaval, having been almost bankrupted by incessant rebranding camable for comment but a spokesperson for his laboratory said, ‘he’s happy as…well let’s just say he’s very happy.’

Bojo Divorces Wife Over World Cup Loss London Mayor Boris Johnson has blamed the loss of England’s World Cup 2018 bid for the breakdown of his marriage.

He filed for divorce from his wife of seventeen

Our Glorious Leader: Malcolm Grant at a rally paigns, and being subjected to intercollegiate sanctions for focussing on intensive research bombardment in spite of agreements with the Labour party to unilaterally dumb-down.

The decision to open an additional campus in Pyongyang has only added to the fiscal worries, amid questions of exactly how such a move is of strategic academic importance.

The university’s dear leader is also preparing the ground for the dynastic succession of his junior, Mike Il-Wort Un, whose creative revenue enhancing schemes are predicted to mean a bright future for the north.

years, Marina Wheeler, within two hours of the decision being announced in Zurich.

Johnson claims to have been ‘so bloody cross’ at the corruption within FIFA that ‘being in a long term relationship no longer felt like an appropriate course of action’.

When asked if he had been prompted by recent allegations of infidelity, Johnson replied, ‘Erm, no’.

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The Cheese Grater Magazine | December 2010

Book Review: PETA and the Wolf

Claire Camomile looks into the book that may change the way you eat PETA’s newly published collection of fairy tales entitled Fairtrade Tails, is as delightfully indulgent as a slice of cashew based vegan cheesecake with cacao and goji berry topping.

The must-read tome represents the culmination of a long collaboration between Hans Unitarian Universalist Andersen and The Brothers, Sisters, and Gender-Binary Rejecting Siblings Grimm.

From ‘Beauty and the Sentient Being’ to ‘The Melting Snowcap Queen,’ the authors craft adventure after crueltyfree adventure! Fairtrade Tails offers a magical land flowing not with milk and honey but with soya and agave. A realm where Prince Charming falls for Cinderella only once he notes her slippers are

of glass not leather. And the princess doesn’t toss and turn atop the pea. She proves herself a true princess by scooping the pea out from underneath the mattress and eating it– after making sure it’s organic.

The collection isn’t however a literary veggie burger– a quick substitute in a still meatcentric culture. It revolutionarily trades in conventional narrative for a radical lack of conflict or plot. Thrilling stuff!

Rather than eat the witch’s candy house, Hansel and Gretel forgo the butter and egg based treats, reasoning they would taste more of capitalism than cardamom. Instead, the pair forage for mushrooms and establish a biodynamic farm.

The Little Mermaid recognizes her essentiality to the

ocean ecosystem and skips the whole falling in love and turning human bit in favour of freeing factory-farmed salmon. When Little Green Riding Hood, basket of wheatgrass shots and Omega-3 supplements in hand, arrives at Grandmother’s cottage, she recognizes the wolf immediately and voluntarily lowers herself into the mouth of nature: her True Grandmother.

I’ve proudly ordered my manny to read Fairtrade Tails aloud to my adopted Somalian orphans each night at bedtime.

And they seem to like them even better than putting up dramatic interpretations of Silent Spring! I recommend this

book unequivocally, printed on recycled letters to Santa, as the perfect gift to place under any freshly planted, nondenominational tree this holiday season.

Fairtrade Tails will be available in all good vegan bookstores from next week.

(RRP £39.99, 10% of all profits go towards the ‘Nutroast for Africa’ campaign)

She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named The wedding date is set but the Royal Family is hiding a chamber of secrets In these overly politicised times, let me transport you to a world where the only thing getting cut is cake, where moustaches are in fashion and have nothing to do with cancer.

That’s right Prince William popped the question and a royal wedding awaits us on 29 April. Commemorative china, national holidays and tiny flags– this surely is the distraction we’ve all been waiting for.

But wait, what’s that?

Darkness lies where blood runs bluest? Hold back on your ‘hoorahs’ humble subjects this shit’s about to get royal naaasty.

It all dates back to August 1997 on the night you thought Diana died– you know, the tunnel, the swarthy boyfriend, the Parisian backdrop (je ne sais quoi).

The seminal ‘horrific car accident’ fooled even the

keenest of monarchists. However, if you were to take a closer look at the paparazzi photos of the wreckage, you would see that what you took to be Diana was in fact an African ostrich in a novelty wig.

The truth behind the bird is that the Princess of Wales in fact died a week preceding her supposed demise in a duel against Camilla ParkerBowls. Shocking? I know.

Surprising? Hardly. Irrelevant to Kate and Big Willy’s wedding? I’ll tell you why not.

Before the duel, knowing that death may await her, Lady Di divided up her soul into three parts to ensure immortality. One of these parts resides in a corgi, another in Prince Phillip (which explains the racism) and the third, why yes– the ring! Suddenly it all makes sense, doesn’t it? The mirrored outfits, the undesirable parents, the love for the colour blue– from the moment that Katykins slipped that ring on her glory-grasping finger she was possessed by Diana’s soul.

Free Cut-out and Keep Diana Ring!

1. Cut Here 2. Cut Here Carefully

Romantic though it was of Big Willy to present Katykins with his dead mummy’s engagement ring, his horseyfaced spontaneity may have cursed his future marriage.

Will Big Willy realise in time and destroy all the Horcruxes before it’s too late? Or, as the Evening Standard so eloquently phrased it, will ‘the immortal Diana’ go on to marry her son thus continuing the great Windsor legacy of incest?

Either way…who gives a shit?

3. Glue Here

4. Insert Decayed Skin Particles Here

UCL Union Cheese Grater Magazine Society www.cheesegratermagazine.org Student Publication of the Year - UCL Union Arts Awards 2006, 2007, 2008, 2009 President and Editor: Thom Rhoades Treasurer: Max Titmuss E-mail : cheese_grater_magazine_society@ucl.ac.uk Humour Desk: ascheesegrater@gmail.com UCL Union Cheese Grater Magazine Society, UCL Union, 25 Gordon Street, London WC1H 0AY The views expressed herein are not necessarily those of UCL Union or the editor.