Cheese Grater Magazine - issue 26

In this issue:

Same Old Story. Boredom and Bafflement at the WGM p. 2 Cheesileaks. Scraping the Barrel of Malcom Grant’s Outbox p.5 Pure Filth. A personal account of toilet voyeurism p.6

...read

this and feel bet ter!

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The Cheese Grater Magazine | November 2010

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Down Your Union

This week in Down Your Union: the usual Welcome General Meeting fiasco and the aftermath of the Christmas Day bomber continues WGM News This year’s Welcome General Meeting began much as it does every year: with a patronising five minute slide show offering the participants photos of drunken freshers and Michael Chessum bellowing through a megaphone at hordes of UCL students.

If only this had been cut in favour of something more productive, perhaps more motions would have been passed.

After a mere thirty minutes and with only two motions covered, the WGM was declared inquorate due to the streams of UCL students leaving the Bloomsbury Theatre. Whether this was down to boredom, bafflement or a combination of the two is unknown.

Low attendance has always plagued the WGM: in 2008 the attendance of 140 was so low that the meeting was inquorate from its offset, meaning that no motions could be passed at all. 2009 saw some improvement with a turnout of 348 and five motions debated, but the WGM went on to finish prematurely due to many people departing early. In 2010 the attendance plummeted once again.

Certainly the Sabbatical Officers could have and did foresee this. Chessum conspicuously requested at the beginning of the meeting that his own proposal – ‘Defend Education, Defend Students’ - be bumped up to the top of the agenda ‘in order that the response is agreed by members as early in the meeting as possible should it fall inquorate’.

With not even our Sabbatical Officers showing enough faith in UCL’s democratic process to believe it might actually run its full course this year, it is little wonder that the WGM collapsed with little actually having been achieved.

Inquorate The real question is whether anything which was actually passed at the meeting should in fact count. Quorum for the WGM is 269, 1% of the total membership of UCL Union. Yet for the first motion of this year’s meeting only 268 actually voted (206 for, 37 against, 25 abstaining) while only 232 voted

on the second motion (207 for, 4 against, 21 abstaining).

Arguably, neither of these motions should have been passed because the required numbers of voters were not present. It is rather embarrassing that despite now using an electronic voting system that instantly logs the number of votes cast, this flaw was overlooked.

This year’s WGM thus did not only achieve very little but what it did achieve should not have counted in the first

place. It is embarrassing to the student body how predictable UCLU general meetings are becoming, to the extent that we at The Cheese Grater could be accused of unoriginality for having to print a similarly damning report every time one occurs. The likelihood is that come the AGM next March we’ll be composing a more or less identical article yet again.

Caldicott Condemns Leaky Union The Union has again been criticised for releasing Islamic Society membership lists to the Metropolitan Police in January 2010. The issue reared its ugly head once more at a panel debate on the Caldicott Report hosted

by Pi Media on 26 October.

Following the arrest of Umar Farouq Abdulmutallab on 25 December 2009, the

Union released three years worth of ISoc and RUMS ISoc membership data to the Counter Terrorist Command Unit.

Despite initially resisting the Police’s efforts to access the private information, Union Officers were eventually pressed into handing over the names of over three hundred students.

When asked what she thought of the Union’s actions during the investigation, Dame Fiona Caldicott responded that ‘due process had not been followed’ and that the breach constituted a ‘personal invasion’ of UCLU members’ privacy.

Former Student Activities Officer James Hodgson and other Union officials had assumed that they were legally bound by a Police Data Release Form to hand over the information, but this was not the case. The appropriate legal checks were not made before the names were released, which constituted a serious oversight and neglect of duty.

The panel was unanimous in condemning the breach.

Counter-extremism researcher and journalist James Brandon called it ‘completely wrong’ and said that the Union had ‘blown the Data Protection Act’.

Hodgson was forced to admit his mistake at the Annual General Meeting in February, and accepted that the mistake was entirely the Union’s responsibility. Needless to say, UCLU policy on dealing with police enquiries has since come under review- but this breach of student trust has tainted the organisation’s reputation and may haunt them for some time to come.

Write for your Rights!

Cheese Grater editorial meetings Tuesday 6pm Cruciform Building Seminar Room 1

The Cheese Grater Magazine | November 2010

Committees Slashed

INVES

TIGAT I

Exclusive: Simon Balcairn reveals UCL’s take on the ‘Bonfire of the Quangos’ The increasing centralsation of power at UCL continued over the summer, as the number of staff committees and subcommittees was brutally slashed for the new academic year.

In the year 2009-10 there were 76 committees and subcommittees at UCL; this number has now plumeted to 33 for 201011 following a massive cutback

by Provost Malcolm Grant and Vice-Provost Michael Worton.

Of those committees abol-

ished, they include previously important bodies such as the Student Welfare Co-ordinating Committee (SWCC), the Joint Committee for the UCL Bloomsbury (JCUCLB), and the Student Accommodation Committee (SAC).

These committees are important to students precisely because many, such as JCUCLB, have student representatives offering students a voice in the running of UCL. Without them, students

Gordon’s Cafe Robbery Gordon’s Cafe in the UCL Union was robbed on 21 October, as thieves broke into the cash register and made off with £1200 in a planned robbery.

The people involved set off a fire alarm on the fourth floor of UCLU to enable them to create a diversion and make off with the register, which was ripped out altogether from the cafe.

They then escaped through the back door of Gordon’s; the door is not alarmed, despite being labelled so. They also managed to avoid CCTV cameras on both floors of the Union.

Apparently this was not the first recorded robbery suffered by the Union building in recent times. One member of the maths department (situ-

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are unable to have a say on vital issues around their university.

Even on committees where students are not present, a Sabbatical Officer must be present to represent the interests of UCL students.Either directly or indirectly through these committees and sub-committees, students previously were able to have a say on major issues across all UCL policy.

The decision taken by UCL over the summer to more than halve the number of com-

mittees begs the question: how can the needs of students continue to be met when there has been such a drastic reduction in bodies through which students can voice their concerns?

Even if many of those abolished committees had relatively little decision making power, their removal is surely a signal that those in charge a increasingly less informed of students’ thoughts on vital issues.

ated in the same building) recently had her handbag stolen; the department is now urging all members to lock their doors whenever out of their offices.

Security has commented that thieves are increasingly dressing as builders in order to go unnoticed. However there is no proof that this was the case for the Gordon’s Cafe robbery.

UCL Union are yet to release an official statement. The

police have taken details and are currently investigating the matter. No fingerprints have been found however, and it seems that the trail will remain cold.

The Adventures of Sam U.C.L. Jackson Part 1: Library Fines

Society Bitch It seems you can’t keep a good Lib Dem down! After the unnoticed departure of the society from the realms of the ‘affiliated’, it appears some resourceful politicos felt the need to resurrect the quickly forgotten society. You wonder why they didn’t just affiliate themselves to the Conservative Society...

Chess Soc are apparently having an identity crisis. Rumour has it that they are unsatisfied with their status as a ‘general interest’ society and are anxious to be labelled as members of the sports community. Let’s see what Men’s Rugby think about this. A clear example of brains vs. brawn?

Do sabbatical officers have too much time on their hands?

– it appears that two of the team were spotted impersonating John Travolta as part of Dance Society’s Freshers’ show. Will Dance Soc be getting special privileges?

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The Cheese Grater Magazine | November 2010

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Cameron Gets The Ball Rolling With Cuts The House of Commons ground to a halt in shock yesterday as David Cameron carelessly cut off his left testicle. The latest Tory cut left MPs and aides stood in astonishment as his bloody nut lolled slowly across the floor of the Central Lobby before coming to rest on a soiled copy of Lord Browne’s tuition fees report. This follows a tumultuous year for the Premier after births, deaths and, most tragically, the theft of his penny-farthing from outside Tesco’s.

The leader of the opposition, Ed Miliband said, ‘this accident is typical of the Conservatives’ careless cuts proving they are the same old Tories who cannot be trusted to make safe reductions in government expenditure’. Miliband went on to add that ‘under a Labour government we will cut the deficit half as quickly, which is not only better for the economy but allows us to spot problems earlier. Under the Labour policy it is clear I’d have only chopped off a quarter of my bollock, perhaps a third before I’d have realised it was the wrong cut to make’.

The deputy Labour leader, Harriet Harman, applauded Cameron’s choice of anatomy saying ‘if there’s one thing we need in Westminster it’s fewer testicles’. When asked about the apparent gender inequality of the cut Harman added: ‘this is not an example of the female anatomy being barred from the chopping block, simply a rational decision based on the fact that we need all the women we can get in Parliament to give the economy a lovely big hug – that’ll make it feel better’. When Ed Balls was asked for comment about David Cameron’s balls, he responded ‘I’ve suffered from people making fun of my name all my life and I am not about to start responding to cheap jokes now’.

In the hours after the incident there was mumbling on the right of the party with one MP stating off the record, ‘I’m just upset that Cameron only sliced off one bangle instead of the full family jewels. Only by feeling pain can we legitimately harm the British public’.

When asked for comment, Cameron’s of-

An artist’s impression of Cameron’s genitalia*

fice released a statement stating that ‘In no way will having only one testicle affect David Cameron’s ability to conduct himself as Prime Minister. His recovery will be aided by the Deputy Prime Minister, Nick Clegg who is already specialised in kissing ass, it’s a small move to the balls which will aid Cameron’s recovery’.

There is a precedant for continuing in high levels of government without all organs present.

Lord Mandelson returned to Brown’s government in 2007 shortly after a catastrophic cruising accident in Corfu, as a result of which the Labour peer was forced to have his heart removed.

A Miner Triumph

Our Chilean Correspondent Gus LaSaume looks back over the first series of ‘Copiapó Cave’ This summer saw the birth of a reality TV phenomenon. The eyes of the world were turned towards Chile for 69 days as 33 miners competed for glory 622m below ground. As the dust settles over Copiapó Cave, The Cheese Grater takes a look back at the mining madness.

At ten minutes past midnight on the 13th of October, Florencio Ávalos, 31, became the first participant evicted. Wearing his trademark sunglasses, he tried to convey the emotion of the experience.

‘I’m sorry to be the first miner voted out - I thought I was giving the public what they wanted. It’s been a great experience and I’ll take a lot from it; I’m completely over my fear of shitting in front of people!’

It now seems like years ago that the epic series began with the ceremonial mine collapse.

The 33 unknowing Chilean workmen, whom we have all grown to love and hate, were controversially sealed into the luxurious 50m2 living space.

After infrequent use during the testing phase, the space-wasting safety ladders were removed in time for the show. Additions to the usual amenities include two benches and the

battery from a truck to power head-torches.

Once the battery ran out, the remaining minemates were left simply with the intriguing prospect of a dark, hungry death. What a twist!

Although they generally met the demands of their daily challenges, the minemates fell short at the ‘Rations Challenge’, a fan favourite. Despite a strong start, the contestants ran out of food on day 67 and, as punishment, were condemned to spend the last 48 hours of their ordeal hungry.

The hot gossip this year is, of course, the budding relationship between Omar Reygada, 56, and his subterranean toy boy Jimmy Sánchez, 19. The Cheese Grater caught up with young Jimmy moments after he took the fifteen-minute ‘ascent of shame’.

He commented, ‘WHAT HAPPENS IN THE MINE STAYS IN THE MINE!’ Are those civil partnership bells I hear?

There to meet Sanchez were his wife, his three mistresses and the President of Chile.

The international press unanimously congratulated the series producer, Alejandro Bohn, for the gripping two-month bonanza.

‘In a way, we’re all stuck in a dark hole, try-

Jimmy Sanchez: Trying to forget the hole

ing desperately to claw our way out - I really just addressed that innate melancholy’.

An attempt to replicate the immuration sensation in China failed spectacularly as 26 of the mining hopefuls were killed during the first programme in October.

16th. This version has proved less popular.

Contributors: John Bell, Clio Cornish, Molly FitzMaruice, Will Freeman, Sam Gaus, Paul Mckenna, Marina Merryweather, Frederica Miller, George Potts, Luke Prince, Olivia Pyper, Thom Rhoades, David Simpson, Hannah Sketchley, Tim Smith, Max Titmuss, Ed Tovell, Adam Turner, Madeline Wee and George White. *Not to scale

The Cheese Grater Magazine | November 2010

Boris Bikes: What type of Cyclist are you?

Just answer our simple questions and we’ll put you in one of four catagories!

Are you a First Timer?

Yes

No

Are you a Slutty Cyclist?

You are a First Timer!

Fluorescent jacket + map = the world’s your oyster. You timidly take to the cycle lanes like a lamb to the slaughter. Having underestimated the degree of aggression with which London cyclists operate, you soon find yourself pushed out of the slip stream and onto the pavement. Feeling abused and dispirited you decide to dismount and continue your journey on foot. Having not yet found a Barclay Bike point at which to ditch your burden you’re met by a fresh batch of insults, this time from miffed pedestrians telling you to ‘get off the fucking pavement’. You vow to never cycle again and will be taking the car to work from now on.

Yes

You are a Slutty Cyclist: As a modern woman, you take pride in dispelling sexist myths such as: ‘you can’t ride a bike in a skirt.’ Having donned your tiniest mini and generously applied lipstick you bravely mount the metal beast. But the enormous sense of empowerment you expected doesn’t come. Instead you find yourself exceedingly uncomfortable and rather chilly.Putting on a brave face you cycle on, looking more pained than sexy. You realise why women fought so hard for their right to wear trousers and decide to pay homage to their hard work next time you choose to cycle.

Yes

You are a City Slicker: You love a challenge and won’t let a polyester suit get in your way. Silk tie swept back over your shoulder, thighs chafing as you battle on through the morning traffic, you like to think that cycling highlights your most employable qualities. Adaptability: you’ve swapped your briefcase for a backpack. Determination: you stand your ground refusing to take shit from pushy drivers. Team work: by cycling you play a key role in cutting carbon emissions. On top of all of this you hope that turning up to work helmet in hand will catch the eye of that fit eco-warrior bird in admin…Get in!

Yes

You are an Easy Rider: You don’t require a helmet, just Ray bans and a strategically coifed side-fringe. Rebel without a cause you’ d rather die looking Rock ‘n’ Roll than play it safe and endanger your image. What’s really ‘cool’ is being a brain dead vegetable, unable to pee properly let alone ride a bike. Wear a helmet - WANKER.

No

Are you a City Slicker?

No

Are you an Easy Rider?

No

Ch

ees

ilea

ks

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The Cheese Grater Magazine | November 2010

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Cubicles of Horror!

Our anonymous reporter shares a true story of poo and perversion I was initially reluctant to tell my story, but the need to report what happened to me - and the fact that The Cheese Grater will let me use the word ‘cunt’ (see?) - made the urge irresistible. This is an exposé of the seedy underworld of voyeurism and shit-wanking in and around UCL. Defecation and masturbation seem at first to be uneasy bedfellows - like pizza and ice cream, or shooting heroin and playing with your baby brother. Everyone loves them on their own but combine the two and suddenly you’re mental. Despite this, ‘defebation’ (mastication already being a thing) is alive and well at UCL. It was a crisp May evening when I waltzed into the South Junction male toilets. As I entered, an unexceptional character at the urinal shot me a glance and moved into the cubicle next to me. The experience got weirder when the anticipated shitting noises from next door didn’t come, but were replaced by a slapping noise.

‘He can’t be masturbating in public... This doesn’t happen in real life,’ I thought. More likely he was tapping along to some irresistible tune on his iPod; a tune seemingly accelerating and approaching a crescendo. His iPod must have died since this percussion ended abruptly and was followed by an apparent gasp of shock and a moan of frustration.

In view of the preceding paragraphs, it’s quite obvious that this man turned out to be beating himself raw over my bodily function, but at the time I was convinced that this sort of thing only happened in Louis Theroux documentaries (and perhaps Austria). Look-

ing up, I noticed our antagonist peering over the top of the cubicle, using me as his muse, silhouetted against the lights like an angel. A perverted, shit-wanking angel.

At this point I believed he was only a wanker in the sense that he was a massive dickhead (although realistically all wankers are almost certainly wankers in the literal sense too). Finally,

isolated incident. Security did what they could but the culprit had vanished into the night like some kind of sexual deviant Batman.

My peers’ responses varied. ‘You turned down a free blowjob!?’ one asked.

‘If you don’t write this up in The Cheese Grater, I will.

And I’ll say he fucked you,’ was the response of another friend. Someone else pro-

Filthy: Perverts haunt UCL toilets this rascal spoke: ‘I’ll give you a blowjob, if you like.’

‘If you like...’, so I could take comfort in the fact that I wasn’t about to be orally raped. I declined this admittedly polite offer.

‘No...’ I responded, unable to suppress my instinctive private school politeness, ‘...thank you’. This rejection didn’t seem to deter him though, and my subsequent enquiry, ‘What the fuck do you think you’re doing?’ was met only with the response, ‘I can see your cock.’ Only when I tried to take his photo did he retreat.

Having explained the situation to UCL security, I learnt that this was not an

foundly questioned me: ‘So did you go back in and finish off your shit afterwards?’

Months passed until Wanky-Toilet-Man was but a memory, an urban-legend and, for the doubters, a myth.

July. Complacently reentering the same toilets, I still took the precaution of using the end cubicle, as I habitually did after what I’ve come to call Round One, ensuring that I only had to defend against one side. Sure enough, someone entered the cubicle next to me within seconds. Had he taken a fraction longer it would have been too late for me to abort and get out of there.

It was then I noticed a

small hole beneath the toilet roll dispenser. I looked in and saw what was either a camera lens or human eye staring straight back at me.

What to do? After all, this person may have been just looking through the hole in the same way that I was. Maybe he thought I was tugging myself dry over him. Maybe he was the innocent. Had I become my own nemesis?

These awkward few seconds ended when my opponent zipped up a bag - suggesting he was in fact carrying a camera - and fled. The only discernable difference between this fugitive and the original was the fact he wore glasses: a disguise rivalled only by Clark Kent’s in its shitness.

That evening I scoured the Internet in search of photos of my genitalia. I fortunately had no success, but did stumble upon www. cruisinggays.com. The notoriously indiscreet website designates the South Junction toilets (in particular the end cubicles, ironically) a four-star ‘cruising’ spot for voyeurism and public intercourse. In this modern age of league tables and university rankings, UCL can take pride in the fact that the ULU toilets received only a meagre three-star rating.

I’ve run out of funny synonyms for masturbation and am approaching my word limit, but let me end by saying that I like to view our second encounter as a victory. Even if my withered scrotum is now on the Internet for all to use as a masturbatory aid, this still essentially makes me a porn star albeit one who works unknowingly, for free and against his will. Still though, isn’t that basically living the dream?

The Cheese Grater Magazine | November 2010

Ads and Personals HAVE you had a religious experience at work or at home that wasn’t your fault? ClaimsAgainstJesus can help!

DO you have experience shooting fast moving objects such as deer, pigeons or foxes? TfL are looking for skilled marksmen and women to help implement the Red Lights Are For Cyclists Too scheme. From www.tfl.gov.uk RICH international students wanted for ailing university (London-based). For more details please go to www.ucl. ac.uk BLONDE Nurse in the clinic on Thursday morning. I’m clean now. Fancy a further check-up?

FOR the brunette taking a piss in an alley off TCR on Saturday night. You screamed as I took a photo but use those well-developed thigh muscles for something else and maybe I might hear you scream again?!?

“GARY the Dip” TCR, Wednesday. Your hands took my phone and your grin took my heart. You have all my numbers…

LOOKING for fun? Call Bobo... (no number supplied)

Parliament Plays the Field KY Bonjela uncovers the government’s new soccer scheme In a desperate bid to raise government revenues, the coalition is tabling emergency legislation to increase the Barclays Premier League to 23 teams.

Labour, the Conservatives and the Liberal Democrats will each field a squad of 18 MPs every week to face the likes of Manchester United, Chelsea and Arsenal.

The bill is being spearheaded by Danny Alexander, Chief Secretary to the Treasury, who has been seen arriving at the House of Commons in a bright yellow Liberal Democrat tracksuit. Alexander has also sought to replace the morning prayer in the House of Lords with fun fitness enhancing warm-ups such as jumping jacks, dodgeball, and ‘Prescott in the Middle’.

Asked about the possible negative impact on the standard of play in the

Premier League, Alexander angrily retorted: ‘There’s no shortage of talent here, and our managerial discipline is superb. With coaches such as the pugnacious Labour big knob Lord Sugar, I can assure you any slackers will be getting the fat finger at the end of 90 minutes. It’s a punt I grant you, but you can expect us to be challenging for titles at the end of the season.’

The games are not expected to be easy points for Premier League incumbents however, with many fringe players at big clubs this week joining political parties in the hope of receiving game time. Shunned Manchester City forward Roque Santa Cruz was installed as Conservative Junior Minister at the FCO on Thursday, in a political transfer story that has had commentators from all sides crying ‘foul’.

Asked for his thoughts on Britain’s exit strategy from Afghanistan, Santa Cruz responded: ‘It is very much a game of two halves,’ before adding, ‘By that I mean that the combat phase is reaching its conclusion. Only now can the difficult task of getting the Taliban leadership and President Karzai to the negotiating table to begin.’

Backbench MPs are relishing the opportunity to spend time with their Cabinet counterparts. Labour MP Charles Clarke this week attempted to improve his selection prospects by somersaulting up and down the Commons car park, finishing with a vault over the Prime Minister’s private limousine.

Unfortunately, the stunt ended badly, with Clarke slipping off the bonnet of the recently waxed car, falling into the out-

stretched arms of Baroness Thatcher. Clarke ruled himself out of the opening match against Wigan Athletic this morning due to a ‘bruised ego’, ‘swollen face’ and ‘knee-crushed genitalia’.

Culture Secretary Jeremy Hunt expressed his support for the plan in an interview with The Cheese Grater, saying: ‘This can only be good for British politics. We looked at the number of youngsters who aspire to be footballers, and then at the number who want to be cabinet secretaries. I’m astonished putting two and two together has taken so long!’

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The Cheese Grater Magazine | November 2010

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UCL Cleaners Forced to Act in ‘Hobbit’ Film Malcolm Grant steps in to finance production ‘Living Wage’ may depend on level of performance The UCL Provost, Prof.

Malcolm Grant, was widely criticised in the national press this week when it emerged that many of the University’s cleaners are contractually obliged to star in upcoming film The Hobbit. It would seem that for many members of the support staff, the recent wage increase has come at a high price.

This scandal follows weeks of praise for the Grant after he ceded to student pressure and agreed to pay cleaners the ‘London Living Wage’ of £7.85 per hour. Allegations of forced labour emerged, however, when full-time hygiene officer Aureliano Buendía revealed a filmparticipation caveat to a re-

porter from The Independent.

It would appear that the new contracts, signed by many cleaners at the beginning of the autumn term, include a clause stating that the signee is bound to a six month trip to a secret location in New Zealand for work as a ‘supernumerary height-deficient artiste’.

The document goes on to state that the employer has the right to reduce the pay of any worker unable to say ‘Bilbo’s lost his magic turnip’ in a thick West Country accent.

Grant stepped in to resurrect the wayward project after executive producer Peter Jackson threatened to move filming away from his native New

Zealand. Many big names, including director Guillermo Del Toro and mincing wizard Sir Ian McKellen, have already walked away from the film amid fears from actors unions about working conditions and pay. It would seem Grant is unmoved by such warnings about employee rights.

And things only get worse for the unwilling actors. Due to budgetary shortcuts, they will be obliged to provide their own shelter in the wilds of the Kiwi countryside, while using their spare time to manu-

facture by-hand several thousand items of Elvin weaponry.

Grant refused to comment directly to The Cheese Grater, but his office released a defiant statement on Monday. ‘These scrubbers don’t know they’re born,’ it claims.

‘Why can’t they just be grateful for the bloody holiday?’

Michael Chessum, UCLU Education and Campaigns officer, was outraged by the Provost’s flouting of workers’ rights. He remarked, ‘I have two words for Malcolm Grant: Free Palestine.’

wine. Ooze charm. Explain that you were merely spontaneously stopping by on your way home from the tube and that you’re just a little chilly, so you think you’ll leave your coat on, thanks. Discuss feminism fervently with Last Chance’s flat mate. Ask about His Other Whore’s menstrual cramps.

Anticipate Last Chance’s awed look as he feels you up under the blanket and notes your lack of panties. Take a moment to marvel that sometimes there’s so much beauty in the

world. Consider underscoring this moment with soft music.

Suggest a threesome.

If you’re a frigid prude to whom women’s liberation means nothing, leave Last Chance’s flat and return to the comforts of cold streets and a Jack the Ripper wannabe. At least be sure to depart with a breezy, effortless line that encapsulates your oceandeep wisdom and razor-sharp wit (e.g. “Use a condom”).

They may be your last words.

Ladies’ Part – The Vagina Dialogues Miriam Stoppard answers female readers’ questions on love, life and loss DEAR MIRIAM: I’ve locked myself out of my flat and lost my keys. I’m wandering the damp, Dickensian, late-night streets and don’t know where I’ll sleep.

I eagerly await your counsel.

Yours, unhinged, Eponine EPONINE, As my ex-husband Sir Tom Stoppard always used to remind me, keys are classic phallic symbols- we are all thus intrinsically keyless.

Now run, don’t walk, to the home of a man with whom you have previously had casual sex. Were you concerned with petty labels you might call him a ‘fuck buddy’.

For now we’ll just call him ‘Potentially Your Last Chance at love, babies, and sleeping indoors tonight’. On the way stop for wine, chocolates, and condoms. Choose from among the £4 merlots wisely.

At Last Chance’s doorstep remove all of your clothes apart from your trench coat (every girl needs a classic trench!). Do be sure to attend to your socks.

Recent studies have revealed that socks are ‘total boner killers’. Ring his doorbell. Ask if he likes surprises. Cheerily greet ‘His Other Whore’ over the intercom. Ask yourself if you like surprises (Note: do so internally and with a wry grin).

Come in for a glass of

UCL Union Cheese Grater Magazine Society www.cheesegratermagazine.org Student Publication of the Year - UCL Union Arts Awards 2006, 2007, 2008, 2009 President and Editor: Thom Rhoades Treasurer: Max Titmuss E-mail : cheese_grater_magazine_society@ucl.ac.uk Humour Desk: ascheesegrater@gmail.com UCL Union Cheese Grater Magazine Society, UCL Union, 25 Gordon Street, London WC1H 0AY The views expressed herein are not necessarily those of UCL Union or the editor.