Cheese Grater Magazine - issue 21

TheCheeseGrater The Other Student Magazine of University College London Union

No. 21 March 2009

THIS MONTH Dash for honours

The annual Union Colours giveaway p.3

A Sabb State Of Affairs...

What [th] fuck?

Subliminal advertising on UCL computers p.4

The hitchhiker’s guide to...UCL

Malcolm Grant takes on the universe p.5

I second that!

The plight of the PGTA

College are systematically exploiting Teaching Assistants p.7

A spring in your step

The lesser known effects of daisy picking p.8

HLMs all round!

Spiffing job this year, eh guys?

The return of democrazy™ - see inside pages 2 & 3

Down Your Union

2 TheCheeseGrater March 2009

One AGM, a referendum and an EGM later: is UCLU any closer to getting a grasp on democracy?

WHEN IT COMES TO democracy, the principle upon which our Union claims to work, why do UCLU always get it so wrong? After an inquorate Welcome General Meeting, this years’ Sabb team were determined that the postponed AGM on 27 February would be well attended. So determined, that Student Activities Officer Jen Currigan made the unconstitutional demand that two members from all societies must show up or face ‘disciplinary action’.

Absolute shambles Be careful what you wish for Currigan! On the day of the meeting, half an hour before it was due to begin, hundreds of students were already filling Gordon Street, huddled on the cramped pavement as they waited to be let into the Bloomsbury Theatre. One student who claimed to have no interest in the AGM and was only there to represent his society, described the organisation as “an absolute shambles.” The Sabbs did as good a job of keeping things under control as headless chickens trying to herd elephants in heat. Students waited over forty minutes to be let into the theatre and even then over 300 were denied entry when the Bloomsbury reached capacity according to fire regulations.

The timing of the AGM, a Friday afternoon, was pre-

dictably controversial despite a guillotine being imposed on all motions after 4:30 pm (see Cheese Grater issue 20). Jewish and Islamic students felt particularly compromised as they had to leave early due to religious obligations – limiting their ability to vote on the motion proposed to the AGM to condemn Israel’s attacks on Gaza. With the motion placed far down on the agenda, voting barely scraped in before the guillotine and some students had already begun to leave.

“Members who are registered students of UCL shall be entitled to participate in Union General Meetings.””

Before the meeting was over, students who had been turned away were already collecting signatures in support of a petition calling for a referendum on all motions held in the meeting. A subsequent motion to Union Council on 3 March for an open referendum claimed the AGM was in breach of the Union Constitution which states that “members who are registered students of UCL shall be entitled to participate in Union General Meetings”.

At Council, one Sabb claimed that a referendum would be less democratic than an AGM,

an odd notion since a referendum would allow every UCLU student the opportunity to vote, regardless of fire regulations.

The motion was rejected, however Council did vote to hold a referendum entitled: “should your Union refrain from making a statement that condemns or supports either side of the Israel/ Gaza conflict?”

Anti-semitism Three open meetings were held before voting on the referendum opened but they were poorly attended, and at least one had to be abandoned. More active have been the various “Vote Yes” and “Vote No” groups on Facebook with debate getting very heated indeed. One especially vocal student is currently facing a disciplinary hearing with the Dean of Students for sending round the inflammatory group message, “fuck the Zionists!” Nice to see outdated racial prejudices are alive and well at UCL – Bentham would have been proud. The results of the referendum will be published on 25 March.

New constitution

An Emergency General Meeting was held on 24 March, primarily as a means of ratifying the new UCLU constitution voted on at the AGM. In fairness to the Sabbs, the organisation of the EGM was a vast improve-

Ancient Greek Myths for the 21st Century by Sam Steddios

ment and there was no repeat of the chaotic scenes witnessed at the AGM. Although the lack of controversial motions ensured a much lower turn out of students.

The new constitution will enable UCLU to become an independent registered charity, something all student unions will eventually be forced to under changing Charity Commission law. In response to a question about the timing of the new constitution, Finance and Democracy Officer Nate Macdonald replied, “this needs to happen this year or we’re pretty much screwed!”

“We need a new constitution this year or we’re pretty much screwed!”

! er m im Sh

Under the new constitution, the trustees of the Union, who will hold ultimate executive power, will consist of six elected students, six Sabbs, and five trustees made up of two staff members, two alumni and one loosely termed “professional”.

The Cheese Grater has warned of the consequences of appointing non-student trustees in the past, particularly with regards to their accountability to the Union (see Cheese Grater ad nauseam). The non-student trustees will be extensively protected by the new constitution - the only way they can be removed by the student body is through a referendum with 20% quoracy. This is meant to provide a degree of stability to the board of trustees but in reality will lead to an uneven distribution of authority.

As student trustees will be newly elected each year it’s not hard to predict who will end up running the show.

Tricky components

At last! The golden fleece!

! ow l G

Forty fucking quid?!

A new constitution may be inevitable, but it might not be implemented as swiftly as the

March 2009 TheCheeseGrater 3

Sabbs made out at the EGM. UCLU is still technically, albeit absurdly, made up of the Component UCL Men’s Union Society and the UCL Women’s Union Society, who joined to form UCLU in 1954. Any changes to the Constitution that may be seen as affecting the rights and privileges of the members of either Component Union has to be passed at separate meetings of both the Women’s Union and the Men’s Union. This leaves the Sabbs rather nervous, especially as no one has a clue where to find the Standing Orders of either of the Component Unions!

Cue much panicked file shuffling in 25 Gordon Street…

Medical and Postgraduates Officer Billy Street proposed a motion to ‘Save Huntley Street’ by launching a campaign to preserve the resources of the medics’ bar. Rumours of College’s plans to demolish Huntley Street have been circulating around UCL Medical School for years but no formal action has ever been taken by the Union.

“College’s plans are a dark shadow over Huntley Street.”

The proposal is a welcome change of heart from Street who, in October, denied that there was any current threat to the Huntley Street bar, despite much evidence to the contrary (see Cheese Grat-

Elections Bitch

CONGRATULATIONS to Neha Thakrar, the only candidate to run in the elections for the SSEES Executive Site Committee. During the recent elec-

er issue 19). The campaign will be two-pronged, firstly demanding to know College’s true plans for the building, which Street described as “a dark shadow” over the Union, and secondly, to preserve the resources of Huntley Street, even if it means moving them to a different site.

If the latest hearsay is true, College is intending to transform Huntley Street into a profitable research facility, in which case the chances that the medics will get to keep their Union building are pretty slim.

Vodflop So much for the return of Vodpop. Due to “circumstances beyond the Union’s control” the night due to be held on 23 March (theme - ‘get your kit off ’) had to be cancelled. The uncontrollable circumstances? The Union failed to sell enough tickets for the event, and, despite frantic attempts to give them away on the day, hundreds were left hanging around the Union like the smell of stale Red Bull.

What a stinker Mysterious “unforeseen circumstances” were also behind the closure of 25 Gordon Street on 18 March. The reason disappointed Sports Nite revellers were turned away? The tons of raw sewage left slithering towards the Physics department after all the toilets packed up.

JH

tions there were seven positions up for grabs on the Executive Committee, including President, Vice-President, Entertainments Officer and Welfare Officer.

Thakrar put up a valiant fight for the position of VicePresident, his only opponent, the ubiquitous RON. His manifesto promises included bringing greater recognition to SSEES and ensuring it plays a larger role in UCL. Unfortunately these aims are apparently not shared by his fellow SSEES students since no one ran for any of the other six positions.

By default, Thakrar will be supreme leader of an, er…nonexistent SSEES Executive.

Meanwhile...

As the democratic process falters at UCLU, the Sabbs treat themselves to some HLMs... and a free lunch WHEN IT COMES TO Union Colours, it’s the taking part that counts (see CG Social Colours issue 2006). Honorary Life Memberships, supposedly only awarded for astounding contributions to the Union, are doled out to the Sabb team each year, just for doing their job - the one they already get paid £24k a year to do.

Back-slapper When the Union Colours Committee met on 12 March, it was the usual smug round of back-slapping and self-congratulation, the Sabb team inevitably nominating themselves for HLMs. Why each of them thought they deserved the award

was unclear as they hardly had to state their case. With Sabbs and more lowly Union hacks dominating the Union Colours Committee, HLMs are normally awarded without any protests.

Taking the pizza In the spirit of things, Finance and Democracy Officer Nate Macdonald spent ages pointlessly reading out the Union’s Standing Orders so the Sabbs could claim a free lunch on Union expenses. Communications and Services Officer Charlie Clinton was nominated to order in pizzas but, after taking too long choosing the toppings, he was eventually no-confidenced by the chair. What japes!

The 80s Are Back!

Gok Wan on the IRA revival.

4 TheCheeseGrater March 2009

Who Wants a Slice of Pi? The rumoured cut to Pi’s funding might serve as a much needed kick up the arse ... The Cheese Grater lives in hope.

Society Bitch THE RECENT MODO fashion show was sponsored by Japanese brewers, Asahi. In exchange for free publicity, Asahi donated 500 bottles of beer to the MODO committee, ensuring high spirits throughout the show’s preparations.

However, since Pi failed to cover the fashion show at all, and an article in London Student didn’t mention Asahi, the brewery are now demanding that MODO pay for the 500 ‘complimentary’ beers. Bottoms up!

LIVE MUSIC SOCIETY president Marc Sarazin seems to think ‘society member’ is a euphemism for ‘roadie’. Before the Battle of the Bands show, he sent an e-mail round asking members to come early and help set up the event - especially if they wanted to get more involved in the society at the upcoming AGM nudge, nudge!

Not that anyone who isn’t part of the ‘inner circle’ of Live Music Society stands a chance of being elected. And participation clearly isn’t really the key to earning Sarazin’s appreciation.

At a recent meeting he failed to recognise one of the editors of Under City Lights - the society magazine.

THOSE RUGBY SCAMPS haven’t been in the news much lately, mostly because the usual Sports Nite antics make Society Bitch yawn. However, the tawdry behaviour reached a new high [surely low? - Ed] recently when one squaddie glassed himself in the face in what was, presumably, a ‘who-can-glass-themselves-in-the-face-the-bestest?’ competition. I do hope he won.

Got something big and juicy? Email it to cheese_grater_magazine_society@ucl.ac.uk

THIS YEAR, UCLU launched The Onion; a publication with many uses – primarily as a coaster for your overpriced cuppa in the Print Room Café.

The anticipated yearly cost of The Onion is £6,628. While most of the expense will be sourced from the Union publicity machine, rumours have been circulating that the shortfall (£2,584) will be met by grant cuts to existing UCL media societies. Particularly worried are Pi, who receive by far the largest grant of any student publication – a whopping £10,000.

Front-page flops You’d think this might serve as a kick up the arse to Pi, whose failures to provide adequate value for money are proverbial among UCL students. Well, apparently not, since the last two front-page stories in Pi Newspaper have been poorly written,

factually inaccurate and potentially libellous. The recent story on the ULU elections showed a complete disinterest in the truth and a willingness to rely on the word of some conspicuously unnamed UCLU Sabbs. And it’s not like Pi don’t have the staff. A letter from one despairing reader in the latest issue of Pi Newspaper began “please for the love of God, let me proof-read the next issue of your magazine.”

Drunk and disorderly Perhaps the problem lies with the insularity of the Pi editorial teams, perfectly demonstrated at their recent AGM. The meeting was chaired by President Chris Blanchard, who in the words of one attendee “seemed pretty out of it”. Maybe something to do with the Kronenburg he was swigging at the time. Before voting began to elect next year’s positions, Blanchard com-

pletely undermined the democratic process by announcing the candidates ‘recommended’ by the current editorial committee.

Not that the elections really mattered since he then proposed an amendment to the Pi constitution that would allow current editors to reallocate elected positions to those deemed more “deserving” of the role. He claimed that this was “vital to the future of Pi” and that those who voted against the motion (six in total) would be “taken out and shot.”

Feeling nauseous And all this after Blanchard claimed in his last editorial for Pi Newspaper that he had been “gradually squeezing out a nauseous culture of ego-driven, narcissistic pseudo-journalism.”

Then again, as Blanchard said himself, with two of next year’s Sabb team being ex-Pi editors, they can probably relax.

What [th] Fuck?

These adverts generate income for UCL, however, while reminding students eat five portions of fruit and vegetables a day might be a noble cause, adverts for Lynx and Burton are an unwelcome distraction when you’re trying to work.

Bellend Sebastian STUDENTS USING newer computer clusters around UCL will have noticed a ‘funky’ new addition to their computer desktop. The square panel that sits in the top right-hand corner of your screen is called You[th]Wire and dispenses patronising gobbets of wisdom such as: “fags stain your teeth yellow”, and unprotected sex can lead to chlamydia. Alternating slides reminding us “breathe in, breathe out” are presumably in the pipeline.

You[th] Media are the suppliers of this “Desktop Communication Solution”, a company specialising in marketing big business to bewildered students.

Annoying gimmicks seem to be You[th] Media’s area of expertise. Their other services include

You[th]Wire in action printing 8,650 mouse mats for Aldi, and making some nice posters for JP Morgan. You[th] Media’s website boasts that their DCL has around a 1.5% click through rate. However, presumably this doesn’t factor in the infuriated students who, given the lack of an accessible menu, might be clicking in the hope of finding a “shut up and fuck off ” button.

Well fear not - The Cheese Grater can help. Pressing ‘Ctrl+Alt+Delete’ will bring up the computer task manager.

Click on the Processes tab, and find YWPlatform.exe. Highlight it, and press the ‘End Process’ button. Ignore the warning about the computer exploding - it won’t. Now you can continue working, safe in the knowledge that, although staring at a computer screen for too long might be hard on the eyes, at least it won’t make you dress like Ashley Cole.

Contributors: Joe Pickles, Chris Couch, Will Beaufoy, Christina Ravinet, Jenni Hulse, Sam Steddy, Gareth Spencer, Alex Ashman, Mark Hoffman, George Potts,Thom Rhoades, Adam Gillet, Tom Webb, Alex McKenna, Will Moss.

March 2009 TheCheeseGrater 5

UCL - London’s Pan-Galactic University Facial hair preened. Kettle on. Mug, teabag, pour, drink, yawn. The word yellow drifted through his mind. The bulldozer in the quad was particularly yellow. As he drank his Earl Grey, the Provost pondered the nasty headache he seemed to be suffering from. He remembered going to Sports Nite and ranting indignantly at anyone who would listen. Something about knocking down UCL. It would never happen – the Mayor didn’t have a leg to stand on. The word yellow entered his mind again, looking for something to connect with.

Narrated by Alex Ashman

I

t wasn’t the best university in the world, but Malcolm rather liked it. He loved the old grey pillars almost as much as he loved his own self. It therefore hadn’t really registered with him that the city wanted to

“Malcolm loved the old grey pillars almost as much as he loved his own self.” knock it down and build a bypass instead.

“Knocking down UCL. It would never happen - the Mayor didn’t have a leg to stand on.”

Malcolm woke at eight o’clock that Thursday morning, opened a window, saw a bulldozer and donned his dressing gown. Moustache wax in hand, he noticed that the bathroom mirror was pointing at the ceiling. He adjusted it. For a moment it reflected a second bulldozer through the bathroom window.

Fifteen seconds later he was out of the Cloisters and lying in front of a big yellow bulldozer advancing towards the steps of the Portico.

Boris was only human, though that was said to be the least of his problems. He was

“Boris was only human, but that was the least of his problems.” also the Mayor of London, a role only ever held by those entirely unsuited to power. Unbeknown to him, Boris was in fact a direct descendant of a Bavarian king, though intermixing of genes had left him with little sign of this other than his ridiculous blonde hair and a predilection for unusual curse words.

“Cripes,” he said, “are you really going to lie in the mud all day like some sort of piccaninny?” Fortunately at this point the entire world was destroyed to make way for a Vogon HyperGlobal University Academy, thus saving any further tedium.

Do You Believe in Bangladesh?

Top explorer Will Beaufoy-Palin exposes the world’s longest-running humanitarian conspiracy.

WE ALL KNOW Bangladesh. Poor, overpopulated Bangladesh. Floods, disease, poverty, corruption, and what’s more rising sea levels caused by global warming, caused by me and you, are putting Bangladesh at ever greater risk of being slowly eaten away.

WELL I SAY THAT’S IF IT EVER EXISTED IN THE FIRST PLACE! I have suspected the nonexistence of Bangladesh for some time. Ever since I noticed the suspicious focus on the ‘country’ by geography teachers at school.

It almost seemed too perfect.

Mass poverty, disease, and every environmental disaster you can list on an A4 photocopied casestudy sheet, all in one country?

The further I looked into the subject, the more quizzical I became, eventually I just couldn’t

hide from the terrible truth I was uncovering, Bangladesh just seems not to exist! Historically, geographically, demographically, nothing made sense. Every time I tried to establish something about the place, I was hit with a wall of excuses and lies. Oh, Bangladesh, well, that used to be part of Pakistan, oh, Pakistan used to be part of India, oh, but that used to be part of Britain. Britain?! Give me a break. Would it have been possible to come up with a more ridiculous story?

“Mass poverty, disease, AND every environmental disaster you can list on an A4 photocopied case-study sheet, all in one country?”

You see, the truth is far more shocking than I could ever have imagined. You know Burma,

that similarly suspicious country that is supposed to border Bangladesh? The one with ‘information blackout’, ‘absolute government control’, ‘repression of free speech’, the one where no one ever goes on holiday? You know why they have all these things?

BECAUSE THE COUNTRY’S PRETENDING TO BE BANGLADESH! The fiction of ‘Bangladesh’ is contained entirely within Burma’s borders - it’s a scam country, rolled out for aid workers, television crews and foreign leaders. Burma’s entire economy rests on aid payments to this fictional place, enabling the ruling junta to live in luxury while the rest of the population is forced into poverty. All that time spent pretending to be Bangladeshis means there’s no time to grow any food. Do you know why Aung San Suu Kyi has been

Flying the flag for falsification under house arrest for 20 years?

Well, in Burma, being the leader of the Anti-National Bangladeshi Dress-Up Service is the WORST form of treason.

My friends, it is a fiction, a lie, the biggest con trick ever played. Always ask yourself, have you really ever met anyone from Bangladesh?

6 TheCheeseGrater March 2009

Britain Mourns Death of Starr One of the Nation’s best loved public figures tragically snatched away in the prime of life.

He was hailed far and wide, from the illustrious New York Times, to the worst breed of brain-dead rag Piers Morgan could produce. He created and destroyed careers; but his magic was truly that of making money.

Well, and creating sleaze. But mostly money.

Simon Fuller The nation has truly lost an icon. Loved, hated, but most of all, famous. I can only hope to provide the best obituary the tabloids have ever seen, to pay our respects to the man responsible for news classics such as ‘Freddie Starr Ate my Hamster’ (The Sun, 13th March 1986) and clients like Jade ‘The People’s Princess’ Goody and Shilpa ‘Poppadom’ Shetty, as well as Simon Cowell and Mohamed al-Fayed.

Dutiful deals That man managed to keep Jade Goody in the headlines years after her sell-by date and days before her use-by date, and dutifully took his cut of every single OK magazine fee. His glittering career was tragically cut short by cervical cancer and is a disappointment to all; the headlines will never be the same again. RIP Max!

£10,000 a day Maxwell Frank Clifford will be remembered for his sterling work representing the world’s elite, and ensuring proper rewards for their skills and expertise. Max was a great opponent. He had Kerry Katona, I had the Spice Girls. He had Rebecca Loos and I had David Beckham. He charged £10,000 a day, and... well, I created Pop Idol, so up his.

Max Clifford’s career died peacefully in its sleep last Sunday

All of Max’s clients are invited to a finger buffet next Saturday at 19 Entertainment Ltd, where you will be given the Simon Fuller treatment. Champagne on tap.

Need a Hot Filling?

News at a Glance

Tory Leader’s Child Dead Boris Pasternak It was announced today that Carol Thatcher, daughter of former Prime Minister Baroness Thatcher, died in the early hours of this morning at University College Hospital, after being taken seriously ill last night.

Thatcher, 55, suffered from the excruciating condition Silva Lepus Morbusa - which leads to the fusing of the trachea and the rectum - as well as a rare form of Voluntary Tourettes Syndrome, which left her unable to distinguish between arcane racist language and everyday modern English.

It is unclear whether anyone has actually paid tribute to Ms Thatcher, who pursued an

CE Arthur Scargill yesterday active career in popular journalism, despite her disabilities, and studied Law at UCL, though she recently stated that the only thing she and the British legal system ever had in common was that they had “both fucked Jonathan Aitken.”

She is survived by her father, Dennis, and by her Golliwog, Mr Boomba-Poomba.

NS

OR

ED

Call: 020 7383 3937

March 2009 TheCheeseGrater 7

The Plight of the PGTA

The exploitation of Postgraduate Teaching Assistants at UCL is bad news for their research and the undergraduates they teach.

eral august professors took early retirements – as one senior UCU member puts it, “they shook the tree to see who would fall out”.

This ‘regeneration’ left the College chronically short on staff, and so PGTAs and other juniors have been taking up the slack.

Many PGTAs were employed as cheap labour, saving College some precious pennies on teaching.

Alex Ashman Like a masochistic cannibal, the great institution that is University College London is slowly starting to eat itself. With less money coming in despite frantic applications for research funding, College has been forced to cut staff and replace wizened professors with fresh-faced youngsters. But can UCL really expect to maintain standards whilst haemorrhaging experienced staff? And just how much of the workload can they expect to foist upon underpaid Postgraduate Teaching Assistants?

Most of you will have been taught by a PGTA at some stage – postgraduates who provide undergraduate teaching whilst working on their PhD. The casual basis of their work means they are technically self-employed, so College has few obligations towards them. PGTAs can be fired at will, and holiday pay, sick pay and pension are certainly not included. But PGTAs often have the same supervisor both for their PhD and their teaching, and this makes it difficult for them to refuse extra work despite the ‘casual’ basis of their employment.

More vitally, any complaints they may have about the workload are often stifled by the need for a good reference, and with few Teaching Assistants unionised they have little or no collective voice. PGTAs are only really obliged to prepare for and give a couple of seminars per week, but some supervisors have managed to get postgrads to write lectures, provide pastoral support to students and even run courses in the their absence.

This extra work is greatly out of proportion with a PGTA’s measly salary. In some departments there is little difference between PGTAs and junior lecturers – except the £6 an hour pay gap.

Teaching Assistant is a

training grade and has a matching salary; however, the workload of a PGTA is decided not by the pay grade but by the requirements of the department they work for. The cluster of PGTAs in the language departments are particularly susceptible to this.

With unpredictable student numbers some postgrads are left with hardly any work and others with far too much. Meanwhile, some PGTAs are asked to hold seminars on subjects outside of their research area. While a break from the usual field of study may be appreciated, lecturing on an unfamiliar topic leads to extra, unpaid time in preparation and can make it difficult to provide effective teaching.

One Teaching Assistant at UCL noted that, while they were happy with their own workload, many departments were “more concerned with meeting their staffing needs than with any potential impact on the research work of graduates”. While a variation in workload may be inevitable, the fact that some PGTAs are taking legal action through the University and College Union is rather telling.

The role of Teaching

Assistant is supposed to be a short-term one but at UCL, it is not unknown for PGTAs to continue teaching on a temporary basis long after they finish their PhD, when they should have been provided with a proper contract and proper rate of pay.

This is all part of a university culture of providing casual work with little job stability or career progression, something that the UCU would like to see stamped out at institutions across the country.

Of course, it would be suicidal for UCL to get rid of PGTAs – teaching looks impressive on a postgrad’s CV, and removing the opportunity would be a huge disincentive to study at UCL. On the whole, postgrads are willing to teach and find it can be a confidence boost and a welcome distraction from their research. The real question is why UCL cannot improve their pay and provide them with proper contracts, and the answer leads us on to a much deeper issue.

Not so long ago, UCL’s senior management went on a campaign to cut 15% of UCL’s staff. Requests for voluntary redundancies were made, and sev-

But why was it necessary for College to cut costs? The majority of College’s funding comes from the Higher Education Funding Council for England, a body on which UCL Provost Professor Malcolm Grant happens to sit. But Grant has done little to fight UCL’s corner when it comes to funding for teaching (see CG issue 12). As detailed in UCL’s Green Paper of 2007, Grant intended to increase the takings from students and private companies to reduce College’s reliance on government money. However, recession struck and corporations are cutting the money they are willing to pay for research. This current lack of cash is just one of the reasons that Grant is so keen to lift the cap on top-up fees.

UCL currently relies heavily on government funding determined largely by College’s level of ‘research excellence’.

Academics spend ages writing research applications to make up for the shortfall in funding for teaching that Grant helped create, while all the time expensive professorships are being replaced by cheaper posts for lecturers, and work that should be done by lecturers is being shovelled onto postgrads. Without PGTAs, student numbers would have to be cut or academics would have to spend less time on research – either way, College’s bank balance would suffer. But will students still be willing to pay for a UCL degree if it doesn’t make good on the promises of excellence in the shiny prospectus?

8 TheCheeseGrater March 2009

The Laws for the Protection of Palestinian Blood and UCLU Honour (September 15, 1935) Entirely convinced that the purity of UCL students’ blood is essential to the further existence of UCLU, and inspired by the uncompromising determination to safeguard the future of University College London, the Reichstag/AGM has unanimously resolved upon the following law, which is promulgated herewith:

Section 1

Marriages between Jews and UCL students or those of kindred blood are forbidden. Marriages concluded in defiance of this law are void, even if, for the purpose of evading this law, they were concluded abroad. Proceedings for annulment may be initiated only by the Public Prosecutor.

Section 2

Extramarital sexual intercourse between Jews and subjects/members of UCL is forbidden.

Section 3

Jews will not be permitted to employ female members of UCLU as domestic workers.

Section 4

Jews are forbidden to display the Union logo or the College colours. On the other hand they are permitted to display the Jewish colours. The exercise of this right is protected by the Union.

Section 5

A person who acts contrary to the prohibition Section 1 will be punished with hard labour.

A person who acts contrary to the prohibition Section 2 will be punished with imprisonment with hard labour.

A person who acts contrary to the provisions Sections 3 or 4 will get a face full of gas.

Section 6

of of or of

The Reich Finance and Democracy Officer in agreement with the Deputy Führer/Media and Communications Officer and the Reich General Secretary will issue the legal and administrative regulations required for the enforcement and supplementing of this law.

Motion Proposed by: Joachim von Casserole Seconded by: Sol Chaim Gamkowski

3˝ High and Rising Percy Thrower HOME SECRETARY Jacqui Smith has announced that the Bellis Perennis weed, commonly known as the daisy, will become a Class B substance in early May, meaning that those caught in possession of the plant may face a maximum sentence of five years in prison.

Smith introduced the bill saying, “There’s no such thing as a safe daisy, the psychological effects of the plant are still a mystery area, but research shows the weed, particularly in the stronger chain variant, may produce feelings of love and joy in individuals, which is largely opposed to the UK government’s policy of platonic exchange of goods and services in a stable economic framework.” She added that she

would rather “err on the side of caution” when it comes to plant legislation.

The move has been lobbied against by gardening enthusiasts and civil liberties groups. Rose Grow, a retired lawyer who produces up to 100 daisies a year and heads the UK Daisy Awareness Group was “disappointed” by the decision, and said this was another case of “Middle England triumphing over science”.

In the statement Smith also announced that buttercups would retain their status as a class A plant, reminding the house that, “buttercups cause a visible and unhealthy yellowing of the face, an effect that can build up over time, eventually becoming irreversible. Ultimately, buttercups only break hearts”.

UCL Union Cheese Grater Magazine Society www.cheesegratermagazine.org Student Publication of the Year - UCL Union Arts Awards 2006, 2007, 2008 President and Editor: Jenni Hulse Treasurer: Alex McKenna E-mail : cheese_grater_magazine_society@ucl.ac.uk Humour Desk: ascheesegrater@gmail.com UCL Union Cheese Grater Magazine Society, UCL Union, 25 Gordon Street, London WC1H 0AY The views expressed herein are not necessarily those of UCL Union or the editor.