TheCheeseGrater The Other Student Magazine of University College London Union
Freshers’ Fayre Issue September 2008
!
THIS MONTH
Paedos vs hoodies
LONDON’S CALLING... Cripes! These aren’t the kind of fare cuts I had in mind...
Which one would you hug? p.2
Stabigami!
Recreate your favourite historical stabbings! p.2
A Guide to Your Union Machiavelli would be proud! p.3
Ye Olde Lundynn Town Boris’ pick of the Big Smoke. p.4
Student Cooking
Feed your family for 5p! p.4
...you a prick on the night bus. What you gonna do about it?
Grab a shank and get merking says Freshers’ 2005 veteran, Tenninch Blade. Attention Fresher! Check carefully. You may have just been stabbed. Early warnings of this are usually intense pain and some bleeding. Think nothing of it. This is LondON. This is how we ‘roll’. It’s called diversity. Think carefully about approaching the next ethnic minority you meet. They are more than likely to be armed. Fashion a temporary stab-proof vest out of unwanted Oxbridge prospectuses and keep walking through the Fayre. Deep breaths. Count to five. This is LondON. You now have a genuine multi-racial
experience to add to your CV. Mutter something youthful like ‘bad times’ or ‘tap that’. This is their patois. It is now yours. Tell them you know who Dizzee Ras-
“Sebastian Coe does it with his kids.” cal is. The city breathes new life into you. This is LondON. Knife crime is now at an all time high, so don’t get left behind. Join in! Sebastian Coe does it with his kids. Ask the fencing team for directions; it’s knife crime for the rich. Ask an OTC officer where
the best entry point for severing the oesophagus is on the body. No blade handy at present? Then simply follow the simple instructions inside this magazine, and hey presto…papercuts! Since 7/7 public transport has become increasingly unsafe. Keep Al-Qaeda at bay with a Kitchen Devil gaffer-taped to your inner calf. The bendy bus is your Colliseum, your Thunderdome. This is LondON. Remember, we ‘shank’ north of the river, and ‘merk’ down south. Forgetting this may cause some confusion. Brixton is an up and coming area for show-
ing off your new blade. It also has an excellent A&E department. Top-up your Oyster and find yourself a hotspot. With the Olympics on the horizon, what better way to get into shape than a light afternoon’s chase around a Hackney tower block fending off crack dealers? Boris does it with his wife. Knife crime etiquette is simple – stab or be stabbed. And machetes are definitely not cool. This is LondON. You and your city are now one. Exit the cloisters. Try not to get hurt.