Cheese Grater Magazine - issue 13

TheCheeseGrater The Other Student Magazine of University College London Union

No. 13 March 2007

THIS MONTH ElectionsWatch

Vomit, piss and oral sex All at the UCLU Slave Auction see p.3

Creative campaigning... p.2

It’s a spectator sport!

ren’

Hardcore Pawn

t real peopl

Malcolm’s starlet tendencies p.3

e

Prima Donna Provost?

a ople

England reach MegaChess semi-finals! p.5

Vladimir and the Lolitas are about to take playgrounds everywhere by storm p.7

o Further pro

Do you wanna be in my gang?

f that sports

pe

It’s not the winning that counts... it’s the drinking piss!

Piraha-doku!

One, two and many! p.8

France Does it even really exist?

Bad communication leaves students without year abroad placements

Keynes

PREPARING FOR a year abroad can be a very stressful ex-

Remember! Sex in toilets = bad Teabagging for charity = good! perience. Not only do you have to choose where you’re going, where you’re going to live, what you’re going to do, but you also have to learn to communicate in a foreign language. However, as UCL French students were aghast to discover, it seems that their departments need lessons in communication too.

During a meeting in January those hoping to work in a foreign country were told by Dr Haddour, the French Department Year Abroad Tutor, that

their placements had to be finalised within a week. This certainly came as a shock; students had previously been told by departmental administrators that they wouldn’t need to even search for potential placements until then.

As getting a placement abroad can take several months, several students rapidly found themselves in a tricky position. Whilst admittedly literature given to students stated the deadline for placements was indeed January, the mixed signals from depart-

mental administrators caused no end of confusion.

The mood amongst those present darkened further when Haddour added that European Social and Political Studies students had not been considered for Socrates placements. ESPS is a small department consisting of around 30 students; of whom normally a third are studying French.

To go abroad, most Continued on page 2

2 TheCheeseGrater March 2007 continued from front page ESPS students apply for Socrates places through the French Department and this year was no exception. With a high success rate for applications this way, it was certainly a surprise to discover not one application had been successful. Students were not only left without having a placement; they had also lost out on a bursary of around 400 Euros a month and the reduction in fees, both provided by the Socrates programme. Such a serious financial blow meant that some students were faced with changing their year abroad plans as they were no longer able to afford their first choice.

So why was this? Haddour told those assembled the decision was made in the first term that ESPS students would no longer be eligible for French Department Socrates places. Fair enough, but since the decision was made well before the deadline at the end of the first term, why had no one in either department thought to tell the students it would affect?

Whilst admittedly ESPS students are not the responsibility of the

French Department, surely alarm bells rang when they received applications from these students in spite of the change in policy?

Faced with the disastrous results of ineffective communication, the French and ESPS Departments held a hasty meeting and Socrates places were once again made available. However, one student was still left with nowhere to go and more worryingly, no financial assistance, despite the fact that a place had been awarded to another ESPS student who hadn’t even applied for one. Fortunately, the student who hadn’t applied forfeited his place in favour of his colleague.

Although things appear to have ended well, the inability of the French and ESPS departments to effectively communicate and liaise to organise important matters such as year abroad placements could have proven more devastating. With no explanation given to ESPS students, it appears the whole episode is due to miscommunication; miscommunication that should never have happened and that has caused students unnecessary stress.

ElectionsWatch Candidates unsure of their potential job roles, a devious name change and dodgy financial transactions...

TO THE credit of UCLU, the Big Vote passed with a high turnout, the online voting system appears to have been a success and over 1500 people voted in total. As usual, the problems lay with the candidates…

Tarnished It isn’t easy to place faith in a candidate who doesn’t believe in himself, but that’s exactly what Dominic Tarn asked the members of the Union to do when his campaign for Finance & Administration Officer began.

Tarn, who ran unopposed, managed to rubbish his own policies at the Question and Answer ses

Money, money, money UCL’s Finance Division will take your cash, but aren’t so keen to give it back Hannah Hudson IT SEEMS THAT the finely-honed, well-tested software system that is Portico has struck again, this time highlighting a (calculated?) flaw in UCL’s finance administration. When paying tuition fees using the system, the final screen asked for a credit card payment of £600 to confirm the booking. For students whose fees are paid by the Student Loans Company, this screen was meant to be ignored in lieu of an option to await loan payment. However, the confusing nature of Portico has (as a Finance Division employee admitted to The Cheese Grater) led to many students paying £600 when they didn’t need to.

Now here’s the fun part!

Upon receiving an excess payment, one would assume the Finance Division would contact those who’ve paid more than necessary. Not quite. Whilst the Finance Division is more than

happy to refund students who have overpaid so long as they apply in writing, it does not appear prepared to warn those who are currently owed money

by College. When asked if this meant that, should someone not notice they are owed a refund, UCL would never tell them, Finance Division told The Cheese Grater that this was an “incorrect assumption” but refused to comment further on whether not they would notify parents or students who had overpaid.

Finance Division stated that: “It is our policy to refund only if we receive a written request to do so”. However, Finance staff have said this is a common problem and that many people have either yet to notice or contact UCL about it. Surely, if UCL is aware it is taking too much money from the students there should be a systematic procedure for refunds? Unsurprisingly, UCL would rather keep quiet and pocket the cash.

Dominic Tarn, F&A Elect

sion that replaced hustings this year. He happily trumpeted his policy goals, including a promise that he would negotiate with College in order to get a carbon study carried out. Unfortunately, when asked a question on his aims only seconds later, Tarn muttered an excuse about College being difficult to deal with, before admitting that “My carbon study, for example, will probably never happen.” Great.

Uncertainty isn’t the only reason voters should have been wary of Tarn; as F&A elect, Dominic, having previously been treasurer for the Film and TV Society, will have a pivotal role in organising the Union’s finances.

He may have made much of his past experience, but what Tarn didn’t mention was just how he had made use of society money.

Several disgruntled Film and TV members told The Cheese Grater that Tarn had purchased a cam-

era worth around £300 and had charged it to society accounts; nothing wrong with purchasing new equipment for society use… except that no one has been able to use it: “It was like he’d bought it for himself.” Since the elections started, the camera has suddenly become available again.

Despite the dodgy nature of this transaction, at least Film and TV have reason to use a camera.

Quite exactly what Tarn expected members to do with a selection of suits in his size is another matter. Earlier this year, the esteemed financier was to host his own interview show for the society and according to our source “He was keen to buy some suits and charge them back to society accounts.” Thankfully, Tarn never bothered to follow this one through. Tellingly, Tarn’s campaign posters depicted him as Tony Montana of Scarface fame; Montana was of course notorious for being a crook, thug and generally nasty piece of work. As Scarface himself said “Make way for the bad guy. There’s a bad guy comin’ through!”

Andy Pandy It’s second time lucky for Primal ‘Andy’ Fernando; but why did Fernando campaign as Andy this year and Primal last time? Google ‘Primal Fernando’ alongside UCLU and you’ll see the words ‘failed Education and Welfare candidate’ and several links about the disciplinary he faced for questionable campaigning practices. However, search for ‘Andy Fernando’ and a clean slate… voila!

Media and wot?

It’s just as well Media and Communications candidate, Jon Masterson didn’t get elected, he couldn’t tell his arse from his elbow. Masterson turned the tables at Questions and Answers by asking those present the finer details of his job description “Is [M&C] editor of Pi too? I heard a rumour.” MR & HH

Boys will be boys

March 2007 TheCheeseGrater 3

UCLU’s Sports Slave Auction goes down a like a pint of cold piss as allegations of forced oral sex and public urination are flung about like er... bodily fluids.

Hannah Hudson; Additional reporting Mark Ravinet WHEN UCLU enforced a moratorium on sports team initiations earlier this year, it was a sign that the culture of intimidation, humiliation and general stupidity amongst certain sports teams might have seen its final days. Not so; with the annual Sports Society Slave Auction earlier this March, all the nasty behaviour that the Executive had been so desperate to put a stop to resurfaced once more at a night organised by… er, some of the Executive.

drink his piss. Not content with this, Martin oversaw some creative agility tests involving forcing slaves to spit directly down a line on one another’s backs before rounding the whole debacle off by making slaves suck each other’s testicles. In the name of fairness, Martin wasn’t the only offender. Incensed by his actions, two members of Men’s Rugby bought some football players and ‘encouraged’ them to drink

Piss and venom The Slave Auction has traditionally been an opportunity for sports teams to earn a bit of money for their respective clubs, and embarrass rival teams by forcing slaves to do trivial things, like hold drinks all night.

So what went wrong this year?

Well, thanks to several unpleasant individuals, quite a lot…

Problems began when President-Elect for the Football team, one Fil Martin purchased two rugby players as slaves and proceeded to force them to

S&E Officer, Zoe Davies

five pints of water as quickly as possible so that they could vomit on one another. If this extremely dangerous practice wasn’t enough, the football slaves were then given the opportunity to wash away the unpleasant after

Richard Soames

taste with glasses of their own piss and shots of other people’s saliva.

That the idiotic and sadistic actions of three individuals have managed to humiliate their respective societies has not gone down well amongst fellow players. One footballer was “repulsed” by what he had seen and had left early because of it. The events of the night had “shocked members of both teams” and Marc Davies, the Men’s Rugby President told The Cheese Grater he hoped that individuals would be punished and not the societies as a whole. Cerrtainly this seems to be the case; those who led the degradation are currently facing disciplinaries. It seems likely too that the individuals will be banned indefinitely from all Union premises; something that will pose a problem for Fil Martin if he is to function properly as President of Men’s Football next year.

Security cameraphone But what about the fact that any of this was allowed to happen in the first place? According to those there on the night, Easy J’s was full and there was no way that the organizers, (Sports Officer Jules Mazowiecki and Services & Events Officer, Zoe Davies) could have effectively policed everything. So what happened to the security guards?

Their job description requires them to throw people out in the event of public urination or vomiting, yet despite witnessing both of these and some other sordid proceedings to boot, at least one was seen taking photos (happy slapping by proxy if you will). The Cheese Grater has been told that the security guard who took photos was on hire from an external contractor and that the individual involved will no longer be working at UCLU. Thankfully, some of the security staff know how to do their

job and the night was eventually shut down at 11pm, an hour before it was due to finish. But why was it ever allowed to be held in the first place? After tempo

Jules Mazowiecki rarily suspending initiations this year because they encouraged binge drinking and offensive be haviour, it seems odd that such an event was ever deemed appropriate. Nonetheless, the organizers are keen to stress that rules were made available. Whilst these rules stipulate that no illegal activities may be enforced and that sexual activities and nudity were not mandatory, they also feature a large disclaimer that absolves the Union of responsibility for actions by the slaves or their ‘masters’ and state that “Drunken consent is still consent.” So that’s alright then; the Union was ready to hand out matches and petrol but it wasn’t ready to take responsibility if the fire got out of hand.

Drunken consent When The Cheese Grater asked Zoe why she thought it was wise to run a Slave Auction after the Union’s crackdown on initiations, she claimed that: “It was a charity event and things like that happen up and down the country”. Presumably she was referring to auctions, as opposed to forced oral sex.

4 TheCheeseGrater March 2007

The Prima Donna Provost?

By resigning from a key working group reforming the University of London, Malcolm Grant has thrown all his toys out of the pram and his peers are not amused ters. “Except for an ambivalent few, Malcolm was in a minority of one here,” said a very senior academic, who stressed that the smaller colleges and institutes needed a Vice-Chancellor to represent them in the academic world, “His position was well known.” When it became clear that he was not going to persuade his fellow members on this issue at the most recent meeting of the working group, he sent an email to Sir Graeme Davies, the Vice-Chancellor, announcing his resignation.

Mister Chatterbox

“’Thou seyest nat sooth,’ quod he, ‘thou sorceresse, With all they false goost of prophesye!’”

CASSANDRA, the loveliest of Priam’s daughters, prophesised the destruction of Troy by the Achaean army in Greek mythology. Cursed by Apollo, her prophecies were ignored and the city fell. In 2007, Mister Chatterbox has made similar dire predictions of potential destruction and devastation to be inflicted upon a modern-day Troy, the University of London, by a modern day giftbearing Greek.

Whilst Pi Squared is too busy playing Pravda to the Provost’s grotesque Stalin (well, he has the same moustache and similar moral quandaries on the arms industry), Grant’s spoilt behaviour of late has gone unnoticed.

When recently speaking to a senior official of the University, Mister Chatterbox was told: “Say what you like about Malcolm, but he does provide you with good copy.” And yes, it is sadly true; our perma-tanned Provost’s actions do, with the predictability of a boomerang laden with explosions, always come back to blow up in his moustache.

“Malcolm can be very frustrating. He picks up on your insecurities and uses them to win an argument,” For our dear leader Malcolm Grant, the Kim Yung-Il of Gower Street, has recently been at the centre of yet more controversy after he resigned from the Constitutional Review Working Group. The group, a subcommittee of the Head of Colleges, was looking at a radical

Golf clubs

Malcolm Grant, certainly no stranger to the limelight new constitution for the University of London. As news of this trickled around the University last month, senior members of staff expressed their frustration and irritation, but not surprise, at Malcolm Grant’s provocative move.

There had certainly been some surprise for the working group, mainly at how effectively the review was going; in a short period of time the members – all senior members of colleges, institutes and lay members - had formulated new statutes for the University, while reshaping and streamlining the governance.

Generally Professor Grant’s position had been seen by fellow committee members as one of “productive opposition”, and most of the committee knew of his long-term devious intentions - he was recently heard saying he wished to “get out and take my share of the equity” - but for the most part the process was seen as

favouring the kind of federation of colleges he claims he wants to see in the short-term.

Now the Provost’s tactics on the committee have been questioned: “Malcolm can be very frustrating. He picks up on people’s insecurities and uses them to win an argument,” said one member of the group.

Senior members of the working group have admitted that the Provost’s way of arguing does have a tendency to rub people up the wrong way: “He makes the same point again and again and again and again. He’s like a stuck record.” said one committee mole. One point on which the Provost had consistently made his opinion felt (again and again and again and again presumably) was that there should not in future be a Vice-Chancellor of the University, but that the role should be undertaken by a Chief Executive figure who would not speak for the University on academic mat-

This move comes amid rising institutional tensions that, some say, are heightened by dramatic actions by our Provost.

Allies of Sir Graeme insist that being an excellent diplomat and formidable operator, he was not given to personal rancour, although they have admitted that he “probably” was irritated by the Provost’s stance and tactics.

This follows a (one suspects apocryphal) story circulating the University of London that Professor Grant recently bought a set of golf clubs for Sir Graeme with the advice that he “uses them more often.”

“He likes to see his name in lights but doesn’t always like the nitty-gritty of his job...”

Extraordinarily there was some discussion of inviting Professor Grant back onto the working group, but the offer was not extended as members were uncertain as to how this generous olive branch would be taken.

Amongst certain members of the committee there was a feeling that he had his reasons and that he had burned his bridges. One academic told Mister Chatterbox that his feeling was that Professor Grant had made the move to

Contributors: Scary Boots, Sam Steddy, Hannah Hudson, Claude McNab, Juliet Morrish, Mister Chatterbox, Gareth Spencer, Jenni Hulse, Marina Kolobova, Alex Ashman, Sai Rana, Richard Soames, Keynes, Des Jazz. Dedicated to the memories of Richard and Ruby.

March 2007 TheCheeseGrater 5 free his hand so he did not have to publicly take on the onus of defending the new package of proposal under “collective responsibility”. He also stated that the argument was essentially a small one over a name change. It is this fact that has angered many of Malcolm’s peers and fellow committee members.

Lighten up “The trouble with Malcolm is that he likes to see his name in lights,” Said one senior lecturer in the University, commenting on the shocking news, “He likes to shave his moustache off and write articles for The Guardian but he doesn’t always like the nitty-gritty detail of his job…

Having Malcolm on your side in an argument is great. But when he argues against you, you can see how he could have made the

case better.” A bit of a diva then.

Or as one foul-mouthed final year History student commented when he heard the news: “What a wanker!”

The University of London provided a statesmanlike take on the row, commenting, “The work of the Constitutional Review Working Group in determining the strategic direction of travel for the University of London is now near completion, and the Provost, Malcolm Grant has had an invaluable input into this decision-making process over the past year.”

Meanwhile Mister Chatterbox contacted University College’s Media team with an offer for Professor Grant to defend himself against charges of his perceived petulance by his peers. He was asked why he resigned from the group and whether he would

support the recommendations of the working group, which he sat on, in full. Strangely for a Provost who is usually so fond of responding to media inquiries, he did not care to respond. Perhaps we should have offered to put the poor man’s name in lights.

Student loan shark And so, once again, the University of London is left unsure of what UCL is doing; as is, to be fair, most of the college. A few years ago University College earned the nickname “Jaws” for its predatory habit of snapping up smaller fish in the pond. Now those fish are wondering what the great white predator is up to this time. And just when they thought it was safe to go back in the water...

Hardcore Pawn Fans of MegaChess set sights on championship as England squad’s victory puts them through to semi-finals Juliet Morrish THE FLOODLIGHTS were dimmed, the atmosphere was electric, and the tick-tock, tick-tock of the supersized clock reverberated in the ears of the expectant crowd. As a solitary young man strained to lift his 12 stone rook and placed it in front of his opponent’s king, English fans sighed in relief; they were though to the quarterfinals of the European Championship.

Steroid allegations The young man, Michael Flavin of Cheshire, is a mere 18 year-old who began playing MegaChess two years ago whilst in juvenile rehabilitation. What makes his victory truly breathtaking is that he was drafted into the game just 3 hours before play commenced. Disaster had struck the MegaChess team when top player Jacqui Pershaw was disqualified after testing positive for growth hormones used to enhance one’s ability to lift the four-foot playing pieces with greater speed and ease. Luckily

for England, Flavin was ready.

What’s more, Flavin was facing six-times World Champion Pradreg Nikovelic, 43 years of age and local celebrity in his hometown of Sarajevo, the unofficial birthplace of the game.

Nikovelic, fighting fit after being put out of action for 15 months when his left hand was crushed by a wobbly bishop, was hot favourite to win the tournament.

In fact, just two days before the game, he was seen laughing wildly at a photograph of Pershaw and claiming he was confident that he would “destroy” Britain’s best.

Checkmate When Nikovelic entered the National Indoor Area in Birmingham to discover his opponent was ranked 154th in Europe, he was overjoyed. An onlooker said “He smiled like a fat kid presented with a giant crème egg”. Nonetheless, Flavin kept his cool and was taunting his opponent moments before play, suggesting he should “go back to playing normal sized chess”.

Even during the ceremonial national anthems and the homage to Sarajevo, it was clear tensions were running high. After 16 nail biting, intense hours, Flavin struggled with his large rook, muttered “Checkmate” and was crowned the winner. The young British hopeful now enters the semi finals and will face Jorgen Erdkunde, a notoriously violent opponent. Meanwhile, Nikovelic is left licking his wounds.

Society Bitch

PI SQUARED recently suggested The Cheese Grater should employ some better writers.

Whatever your thoughts on the matter, you can be certain that we won’t be looking to poach any Lie Squared staff. Taking a break from stories about sex, the newspaper ran an article on the Provost’s staff cuts with a particular focus on the reaction amongst Phonetics and Linguistics students upon learning that a staff member was to go. Although the article never directly stated Tim Wharton, the employee in question, was to be fired, it made a clear connection to his departure and the staff cuts. So imagine the surprise of London Student, when upon following up the story, they discovered that Tim Wharton knew nothing of the petition to save his job. Indeed, even Wharton wasn’t trying to stop his departure – he had been employed on a short term contract from the very start. All this of course, in the same issue of the newspaper that carried a grovelling apology to the RUMS Hockey Team after Deputy Editor Josh Blacker’s botched ‘investigation’ suggested that the entire team had been involved in an argument that ended with racist insults being traded.

‘UCL’S ALPHA FEMALE’ was so overjoyed to hear her column was parodied in the last issue of The Cheese Grater that she rung the Editor without even having read it. Mimi Noor’s demands for the piece to be read to her over the phone were politely declined. Clearly angry with the coverage, a close friend decided to set up a ‘The Mimi Noor Fans Group’ on Facebook. The group, which racked up an impressive 114 members, appears to have backfired miserably with support such as “Why have I been asked to join this group? I barely know Mimi Noor,” and “I have been unfortunate enough to waste three minutes of my life reading Mimi’s columns.” With friends like these, who needs enemies?

Leprechauns launch ‘Tet Offensive’

6 TheCheeseGrater March 2007

St Patrick’s Day bombing attacks singe leg hairs in protest against crude Irish stereotypes. Police pledge to search to end of rainbow for those responsible. they have declared a bombing campaign against the capitalist monstrosity that is Guinness, due to the anachronistic and often offensive stereotypes which the company continually endeavours to uphold. Bejabbers.”

Alex Ashman AN IRISH TERROR group carried out bombings that singed several people during St Patrick’s Day celebrations in London last weekend. Police moved quickly to quell any panic, but were met with waves of confusion as few had actually noticed violence.

Distinctive facial hair

Knee-high kneecapper Just before noon on Saturday, a band of hysterical leprechauns detonated explosives disguised as polystyrene shamrocks in Trafalgar Square. Revellers daubed in green face paint and sporting comical Guinness hats continued to dance and drink, barely noticing the violence. One bystander who was close enough to the miniscule explosions, described the microcosm of chaos as ‘a sudden explosion of wee little green fireworks’, while another commented that ‘one man got his shins slightly scorched - the smell of burnt ginger hair was atrocious’. Despite claiming few direct casualties, the attacks

Left: P O’Neil, a well known and violent separatist were sufficient to rupture stout supply lines; by Sunday, several Irish ex-pats were being treated for alcohol withdrawal at University College Hospital.

Last night, the Provisional Catholic Leprechauns against Intolerance and Typecasting, a previously-unknown Irish fringe group, claimed responsibility for the attack, announcing that they

will no longer tolerate immature jokes which mock the Irish nation. Leaders of the Catholic Leprechaun Association, often seen as the political wing of CLIT were quick to deny involvement.

A spokes-leprechaun standing on John Reid’s shoulder said: “We are a legitimate political party.

We have no control over the Provo CLIT, but we know that

Scary Boots

Metropolitan Police are now on the lookout for any further leprechaun bombers, who due to their size are able to pass unseen through many of London’s security measures, including airport scanners, Underground ticket barriers and the back doors of bendy buses. The Met have added that, due to their traditional ‘green’ national dress and the religious requirement to grow a bushy red beard, the leprechauns are difficult to identify and may easily pass unnoticed.

When asked whether they would be recommencing the sort of extensive security checks that nearly brought airports to a standstill last year, a police spokesman simply stated that “Good things come to those who wait.”

Correction LAST ISSUE (CG 12) in ‘Embittered Economist ruins AGM’, we wrote that Benjamin Lu was President of the Economics and Finance Society when a dispute took place over the design of Equilibrium magazine. In fact, the President at the time was Dasha Kuznetsova. Further to this correction, we would like to clarify that Benjamin Lu did not make the final decision to eject the designer of Equilibrium although we maintain that he was still involved in the dispute. MR

March 2007 TheCheeseGrater 7

Do you wanna be in my gang?

Ace new super-group Vladimir and the Lolitas are getting down with kids, Lester S. Thompson checks them out...

THE NEW FORCE in rock is a collection of old faces; comprised of Gary Glitter (Vocals), Pete Townsend (Guitar), Rick Wakeman (Keyboard & Lute) and an expensive Roland drum machine (Drums), Vladimir and the Lolitas are kicking up a storm. The Cheese Grater joined them for some pre-gig sherbet on their tour bus-cum-ice cream van.

CG: So how did the group form?

Gary Glitter: There’s a funny story there; we all met by coincidence at a Parents’ Evening that wasn’t for our own children. We just started talking about the old days and decided to have a jam.

The expensive Roland drum machine joined later via eBay. CG: Why form a band now though, Mika’s got the market covered hasn’t he?

Pete Townsend: Well, Gary had failed to break into the Asian market and Rick was bored of playing with himself. I was stuck at home spending most of my time in internet chat rooms; noone wanted to watch The Who

after the two interesting ones died. But it was essentially Gary who was the driving force behind the formation of the band… He’s the ring leader (of our gang.) [laughs] CG: What do you say to critics who think the band, considering its members history, is ‘past it’?

Rick Wakeman: People say we’re too old for this game but I think we’ve still got appeal. We’ve been grooming the European market for some time now and it was about time we eased ourselves back into the UK. The press have been really supportive, especially The News of the World, they’ve given us loads of exposure.

CG: What are your major influences?

Roland drum machine: We’ve got a fresh, almost virgin sound; but that doesn’t mean we’re inexperienced. Over the last few jam sessions it’s like we’ve really come of age. We rock so hard that some fans have said it’s like being molested by sound. We’re not just influenced by other musicians either, I mean Roman Polanski and Woody Allen have

The talent behind the Lolitas been big inspirations.

CG: Have you any plans to release anything soon?

GG: Our first UK show is in the remote Scottish town of Balamory. We’ve got some great support lined is from S-Club Juniors and we’re right behind their comeback. It’s a cracking show, it’s based on a rock-opera version of Fiddler on the Roof. It’s very catchy; we hope it will be sung in playgrounds across the country.

PT: We’re very grateful to Jonathan King for agreeing to manage

us and put out our album on his new label. Without him none of this would have happened, well, at least none of us would have bought the drum machine.

‘Sweet Child O’Mine’, the first single from Vladimir and the Lolitas’ new album, ‘A Hentai Romance’ is available now through wedontdosingles records.

Next week: Thompson, Venables and The Lightning Seeds on their covers EP, featuring Walk This Way and Blood On The Tracks.

Album Reviews The Generics With: Get Tight Trousers. Wear Tight Trousers. Be Scene. Koko, Camden

Are those my shoes?

DJ Höss

Like being screwed in the ear by a Chihuahua on heat. With a tin dick. Only for the terminally masochistic.

Jenni Hulse

Carlos Hussein Koko is heaving tonight and anticipation pulsing through the crowd. I make my way to the bar to be greeted with a trainee barman and as the opening act, he’s a little uncertain of his ability. Nonetheless he proceeds to pour a decent pint with a well rounded head; a promising talent and certainly one to watch closely. I sample my drink and try to ignore the dirge coming from the direction of the stage.

Next up is the bar manager who opens with a storming vodka and coke; before long he’s serving

Thus Spoke Violence Slightly Malevolent Being

Straight out of Barnet Middle Class Gangsta A fantastic bar up his best, a few Aftershocks, a Carling or two and even slipping in a fancy cocktail. Unfortunately this flawless act is marred by horrendous sound, mainly from four twats with guitars near the front of the venue. Still, as the night comes to a crescendo with last orders, the bar man finishes me off with a dram of whisky. A fantastic bar, shit band.

If Auschwitz had had a theme tune, this would have been it. With melodious death rattles and Evelyn Glenniestyle xylophones on human ribcages, listening to this album is like having a vivisection on your ears. Make sure to check out: Track 5 (‘Pole Tax’), and the bonus track, Dolly Parton cover, ‘Jewlene’.

Hannah Hudson

BRAP BRAP! It’ll get all up in your face like a hooded bredren with a pocket knife, bling from Argos and a Dad with a Beamer.

A sensitive passage about loving your Nan makes this a clear contender for the Mercury Prize.

Marina Kolobova

70 Min 600 mb CDR TDK

And then God said, “Let there be shit music”.

Sai Rana

8 TheCheeseGrater March 2007

Backstreet Bishop Bashing

Des ‘The Claw’ exposes the extreme sport thrusting it’s way into British life Additional reporting by Claude McNab. FOR THOSE WHO know where to look, the marks are everywhere; on the walls in pub toilets, down dark alleyways, and behind those big red industrial bins. A spray painted stencilled tag, which at first glance looks like the crudely drawn fist of a revolutionary worker, or an athlete grasping a baton, is in fact a sign to the initiated that this is a site Street Wanking takes place.

Street Wanking is a dangerous sporting craze sweeping the nation. Like bare knuckle boxers, Street Wankers have a violent, consuming passion for something and an unquenchable thirst which must be sated. This Fight Club for the sexually expressive meets wherever the Street Wankers’ Mark can be seen. The aim?

Wanking. Wanking only. With unparalleled, unshakeable ferocity, Street Wankers grab their apparatus and commence. Every swift

stroke spreads a dizzying sensation from the helmet to the head culminating in a fury of sweat, spunk and satisfaction. This is not mere ‘tossing off ’, or ‘jerking the gherkin.’ This is nothing less than a need. This is not utilitarian masturbation. This is existential wanking. This, in short, is Street Wanking.

Wankspots Loitering at a Wankspot after dark is not advisable for the fainthearted. Wankers emerge from the shadows, silent, as if gliding. They loiter, till one begins. Suddenly trousers are round ankles, fists are clenched, grunts and groans emerge. Growing redder with every passing moment, faces are contorted until the final climax comes. But with every high, there is a comedown.

“The first rule of Street Wanking is that you do not talk

A wankspot in Manchester about Street Wanking,” says JB, the self proclaimed founder of the sport. “The second rule is that you don’t shake hands afterwards.” JB is quick to point out that his participation in group masturbation is not for pleasure; he claims he cannot stop: “It’s a painful life. Perhaps fortunately, my condition is terminal. With

each gliding stroke my life shortens. Blood no longer reaches my tip and gangrene has set in. My bell end used to shine like a well-polished beetroot, now it pusses green venom like a burning biro on a waxy candle.”

JB is mortified that others may see his problem as a perversion: “I’m not a pervert, I’m an addict. Without a tug I just don’t feel alive. I have a condition, a psychological disorder in which I offset my misery with maniacal masturbation. I wish I could get back to the old days when I had it under control.” His wrists ruined, his cock numb, JB issues a stark warning for those experimenting with Street Wanking: “Spare a thought for me the next time you nonchalantly bash the bishop to kill time, ‘cos I’ll be out here with friction burns on my palms.”

PIRAHA-DOKU! Greetings traveller! Do you ever get bored whilst volunteering in the Peruvian forests to satiate some sort of guilt or hide the fact that your life is incredibly boring on your CV? When not amusing ourselves by deliberately mistranslating swearwords into whatever hackneyed script some anti-Semitic nutcase is trying to get us to act out, we fill the hours by tracing the following 9x9 grid in the sand, and complete it using our general concepts of one, two, or many, so that each number occurs only once each row, column, and 3x3 square.

Why don’t you do the same?

NEXT WEEK: Painting by numbers using our hilariously inadequate spectrum which consists only of ‘light’ and ‘dark’.

UCL Union Cheese Grater Magazine Society www.cheesegratermagazine.uclu.org Best Small Budget Publication - Guardian Student Media Awards 2006 President and Editor: Mark Ravinet Treasurer: Scary Boots E-mail : cheese_grater_magazine_society@ucl.ac.uk Humour Desk: ascheesegrater@gmail.com UCL Union Cheese Grater Magazine Society, UCL Union, 25 Gordon Street, London WC1H 0AY The views expressed herein are not necessarily those of UCL Union or the editor.