Cheese Grater Magazine - Freshers' Fayre 2005

Music Socs (Rock and Metal/ Live Music) LIVE MUSIC SOCIETY is the place to be for shaggy-haired effete boys wearing faded T-shirts for bands they are too young to see, and girls dressed in clothing that requires a manual and sporting asymmetric haircuts. We enjoy playing melodic vacuous indie, melodic content-free indie, melodic tune-based indie and indie with clowns.

And as for ROCKSOC, we’are the society for those who like everything from obscure-evento-fans heavy-doom-power-rock-metal to mid’ dle-of-the-road d eath-black-screa ming grindcore. Get out your Metallica T-shirt and that rare issue vinyl you saved from a house clearance, and demand the right to play it again in a room with different acoustics. And again.

Debating Society

Whether you think you may have a future career in Law or you just love the sound of your own voice, this society is for you.

Diverse topics of discussion range all the way from ‘This House believes Bush is Hitler’ to ‘This House believes Ariel Sharon is Hitler’. Weekly workshops will teach you how to attack an opponent personally, argue the same point three times over while appearing to make new ones; indeed anything to ensure the argument goes round in circles and never gets anywhere. This is an exact imitation of the British Parliamentary system and so is a must for all those interested in UK politics.

LGB Society Like Britney? No? Piss off.

Getting Around: An update Transport for London, the integrated body responsible for processing thousands of complaints every year, would like to inform new visitors to London of its updated advice on using public transport: -DON’T wear denim -DON’T run -DO jump the ticket gates -DON’T pick up a free paper -DON’T look distracted (but not too undistracted either) -DO have white skin whenever possible If you see anyone acting in a suspicious manner, or just anyone who sticks out a bit and who isn’t a friend of yours, please inform one of our friendly assistants (pictured below), who will be able to resolve the matter.

Oh yeah, and always touch in and touch out. Happy travelling!

Kind regards Metropolitan Police Firearms Division

an unofficial guide from UCL Union Cheese Grater Magazine Society

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UCL Union’s Economics and Investment Soci’ eties are not just for Economists. Our members come from diverse backgrounds and our ambitions are very diverse: Do you want to be an accountant at KPMG or a consultant at Accenture?

Or maybe an accountant at Accenture or a consultant at KPMG! (Just kidding!!!) Whichever of these two many things you want to be, you’re not alone: in fact, 99.87% of UCL students (allowing for statistical error) want only the same thing in life. What else would you come here for?!? Join us, and look forward to a bright future wearing suits, being a high’flyer, drinking wine and having some friends. We publish a magazine too, and each issue has a picture of EITHER Adam Smith OR John Maynard Keynes on page 3!

Economics/Investment Society

Welcome, student, to UCL! You must sign up to a society that consists entirely of people the same skin colour as you! From the same background and that spout the same values that your parents taught you! That way you will not put yourself in any danger of losing your religion, your wonderful hairstyle or your dad’s allowance. We will help you to resist the dangerous London culture (it has many evil things such as “Red Stripe” and “Spearmint Rhino”) particularly if you are a foreign student with a far superior work ethic. Only we, your society friends, are fit to talk to you in the dining room, the common room or (if unavoidable) a Union bar.

Any questions? Got a story? cheese_grater_magazine_society@ucl.ac.uk Read every issue online at: www.cheesegratermagazine.uclu.org

Wednesday 5 October, 5-6pm, Rehearsal Room (2nd floor, Bloomsbury Building, 15 Gordon St)

Interested? Come to our Welcome General Meeting:

Our next issue comes out in October.

YOU can contribute!

Whether we’re complaining about music in the Union or digesting the literary output of Ann Widdecombe, we try to raise a laugh (usually at someone’s expense) and project the views of a disaffected minority, i.e. those with nothing better to do than write for us. We’re a small society and the magazine in question is photocopied (sometimes appallingly) but we’re serious about what we do. If you are too, get in touch....

If, like us, you can’t take Freshers’ Fayre or indeed life too seriously, and you’d like to try your hand at writing or cartoons, The Cheese Grater may be for you. We were set up in 2004 and are UCL’s only unofficial and editorially independent magazine. We do the mou r, things Pi (the official mag) doesn’t: hu humou mour, satire and inves tigative sstories tories that don’t investigative t get covered elsewhere. And some of the fines finest cartoo n s in Lo ndo n. Oh yes, and we got the cartoon Londo ndon tache off for Comic Provost to shave his mous moustache Relief earlier this year. (It grew back.)

Oh it’s you. What do you want? Foreign Societies (ABACUS, And finally...

Indian, Jewish etc. etc.)

HI THERE! Yes, and welcome to the UCL Union Freshers’Fayre, the most happenin’, largin’it, ave-it freshers’ fayre in all of TUBE ZONE 1 and possibly 2 as well.. Just joshing! Okay, lads and ladettes, before you get on the booze cruising and indecent exposure on Gordon St, come to the FRESHERS’ FAYRE and take a look at the great CLUBS and SOCI-ET-IES on offer. Just follow the arrows (and don’t you fucking dare trying to go backwards or another way, because I promised the second deputy assistant head of Estates & Facilities nobody would) and look at all those weird, wonderful stalls. Whether it’s playing with Balls you’re into (ooer!) or becoming a Member of the Conservative Party, this is the place! We’re diverse! Cause that’s, like, really positive!

Take it easy cats, Wayne Roll-Pickfords Entertainments & Photocopying Officer UCL Union

For more information, turn over the leaflet until you are looking at the other side.

Published by Rene Lavanchy on behalf of UCL Union Cheese Grater Magazine Society