Managing Grief During the Most Wonderful Time of Year Christina Watkins on Grief, Healing and the Power of Love Voices of Grief: What Helps and What Hurts
Dear Readers,
I am deeply grateful to you. Thank you for choosing, once again, to join me in Chasing Clarity by opening this magazine and taking the time to read it. This is our second Fall edition, and to say I am thrilled would be an understatement. Over the past issues, we've explored relationships, body image, toxicity, and now, we turn our focus to all things related to grief and loss. Whether you are currently grieving, have been on this journey for a while, or are supporting someone through their loss, I hope you find these pages both useful and meaningful. Grief is incredibly complex—it’s di erent for everyone, which is what makes it so challenging. I've noticed that many people struggle to support their loved ones who are grieving. They often overthink what they believe the grieving person needs, sometimes prioritizing their own comfort over truly being there for the one who is hurting. Grief doesn’t come with a manual, and when it strikes, no one is fully prepared. Whether the loss was expected or not, it’s always a first-time experience, and even when you think you’re ready, the reality can be overwhelming. We also recognize that grief comes in many forms—it doesn’t always involve the passing of a loved one. There’s ambiguous grief, the loss of a friendship, a family relationship, a marriage, or even a dream. In these moments, you need the love and support of those around you, and those who care for you need to understand what you're going through as well. I sincerely hope that this season's edition is both impactful and comforting. I, too, have experienced profound loss. I’ve lost family members whom I dream of meeting again, relationships that once mattered deeply, and even dreams that I’ve had to let go of. There have been moments when I’ve feltI have lost myself. While it might not compare to the loss of a spouse, there is still a grieving process in each experience.
So please, dive in and read. I would love to hear what resonated with you in this edition, and it would mean the world to me if you shared it with your friends and family.
With Love, Joann “JoJo” Venant
05 Hello, Baby! Goodbye, Me: Understanding Postpartum Depression, Identity Loss, and the Grief of New Parenthood 09 The Heartache of Losing Friendships: Recognizing the Signs, Coping with the Loss, and Finding Peace
Hello, Baby! Goodbye, Me
Understanding Postpartum Depression, Identity Loss, and the Grief of New Parenthood
In the current landscape of mental health, Postpartum Depression (PPD) no longer maintains the same social stigma that plagued our society in years past. Once relegated to whispered discussions between medical professionals or hushed conversations with close female relatives, nowadays the topic is not o -limits. Brooke Shields, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Mariah Carey, and Adele are just a handful of notable public gures who have publicly documented their very personal experiences with PPD, openly detailing their struggles to the world. But although a diagnosis of PPD no longer carries the same weight of shame in our culture, much is missing when it comes to understanding what causes it and, most importantly, what we can do to treat it properly or perhaps prevent it from ever happening.
According to medical literature, PPD is more intense and lasts longer than the typical “baby blues” a new mother can expect to go through a er giving birth. It is caused by a combination of hormonal changes, physical trauma, exhaustion, and psychiatric history (a person with a history of mood disorders is always more at risk of developing them in the future). The mother’s ability to cope with environmental changes and bond with her newborn is seriously compromised. But the problem with characterizing diseases solely on the medical model is that emotional, psychological, and spiritual aspects of life are discounted or sometimes completely ignored. This sense of self that goes beyond our physical forms, what the mental health community might term “personhood,” overwhelmingly contributes to a human’s overall sense of well-being.
Unfortunately, outside of feminist and mental health communities, the notion of personal identity is not o en discussed when it comes to women’s health and has only very recently been taken seriously in reproductive medicine. Interestingly, some of the most compelling evidence of PPD’s environmental component is the fact that it is not unique to women; according to recent numbers obtained by the National Institutes of Health (NIH), 1 in 10 fathers su er from PPD, compared to 1 out of every 7 mothers. While this may seem surprising, consider that prior to birthing a baby, many parents have a more solidi ed sense of personal identity: they have jobs, friends, hobbies, and goals that are outside of the realm of child-rearing. When a baby is born, the goals change, priorities shi , and some may even be abandoned; daily activities are altered, perhaps forever. Navigating these changes can be disorienting to new parents and o en manifests as a profound sense of grief and loss that is di cult to express in words.
In addition to the social, emotional, and behavioral components of PPD, it may also be helpful to look at cultural factors to understand the impact giving birth has on personal identity. In her article on the topic, Dr. Kathleen Kendall-Tacke explores the concept of how other cultures protect new mothers’ health. She notes several common protective structures in areas of the world where PPD is either extremely low or completely unheard of, including
“Navigating these changes can be disorienting to new parents and o en manifests as a profound sense of grief and loss that is di cult to express in words.”
recognizing a distinct postpartum period, protecting the new mother’s vulnerability, mandated rest, and perhaps most notably missing from our own country, functional assistance, and positive social recognition of the mother’s new role and status.
Consider, for example, the Chagga ritual for new mothers in Uganda, which takes place a er three months of secluded postnatal care from female relatives and involves the elders of the community bestowing ritual gi s and greeting her in the marketplace with the same songs used to welcome warriors returning from ba le. In comparison, the U.S. standard of postnatal care includes a 24-48-hour stint in the hospital and one 6-week postnatal visit, with nothing in between. When compared to a community that honors mothers as they do soldiers, it makes the U.S. standard of postnatal care seem painfully irreverent.
The grief involved in PPD could potentially stem from this loss of the former self. The clinicians at Chasing Clarity (and e ective mental health therapists elsewhere) endeavor to reach beyond the medical model and approach life’s struggles from a more holistic viewpoint. Beyond the physical symptoms and basic uncomfortable experience of pain and su ering, we must ask, what is going on beneath the surface? What spiritual growth might this person’s soul be yearning for? What is the state of this person’s sense of identity? Do they have a support system that honors this new transition? Looking at PPD through the lens of a personal identity shi lets us consider the impact of motherhood beyond hormonal and physical changes. By honoring the whole self in this way, we may begin the journey to validate grief, reconcile a new, integrated sense of personal identity, restore self-worth, and ultimately nd true healing.
“By honoring the whole self in this way, we may begin the journey to validate grief, reconcile a new, integrated sense of personal identity, restore self-worth, and ultimately nd true healing.”
Bio:
Lauren Roth, M.A. is a psychometrist with over a decade of clinical experience specializing in neurodegenerative disorders. She has a graduate degree in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Rollins College in Winter Park, Florida and enjoys advocating for the elderly community to prevent memory loss, promote healthy aging practices and improve overall quality of life. To learn more about K2 Medical Research visit their website: k2med.com.
Mention that you heard about them in Chasing Clarity Magazine.
Voices of Grief: What Helps and What Hurts
Who: Jessica Velazquez
Lost her father, 4 months ago
What actions or words from others have provided you with the most comfort during this time?
Beautiful comments about my dad. For those who knew him, their words about how he touched their lives and how he brought love and laughter to those around him have helped me. Seeing how they viewed my dad made me feel closer to him. Any words from anyone on how he impacted their lives brought me comfort. The random texts saying "thinking of you" helped me more than long conversations in the beginning.
Was there anything well-intentioned that ended up feeling unhelpful or even hurtful?
For me, it was my family saying I was his favorite. Although they meant to comfort me, i couldn’t help but feel like I had lost the one person who loved me the most. It reminded me that i lost my identity of being someone’s favorite, which left me feeling incredibly alone. I know they didn’t intend for me to feel this way.
How do you wish people would approach you or your grief differently?
I am a very understanding person, so for me, there is no right or wrong way to approach this. I think simple acknowledgment is important. There have been people on my social media and in my immediate family who have not said anything, and to me, that’s not right. It was my dad.
What have you found yourself needing more or less of from those around you?
I appreciate the check-ins and the freedom to talk when I need to. The flood of texts and calls in the beginning was overwhelming, but I think it’s important not to stop checking in randomly weeks or months later. When the dust settles is when you need more support, and a simple "thinking of you" goes such a long way.
What insight would you share with someone who wants to support a grieving person but isn’t sure how?
Express to them that you are here for them in any way they need. Whether that’s picking up some groceries, giving them some alone time while you help watch their babies, or just sitting with them and letting them talk. Sometimes, knowing someone is there to just let you vent is incredibly comforting. It’s the little things. Less thinking for us grievers, because we have so much going on in our minds, and processing things can be difficult.
The Heartache of Losing Friendships:
Recognizing the Signs, Coping with the Loss, and Finding Peace
Many of us dream of having our own squad, like Ross, Chandler, and Joey from Friends, or the fierce girl power of Carrie, Samantha, Miranda,
But what happens when your once-inseparable friendship starts to crumble? Friendships, much like any other relationships, have their ups and downs. We see this even in some of our favorite TV shows, and while some friendships withstand the test of time, others may falter and fade away. Unfortunately, the loss of a friendship can be as breakup. Our brains cannot relationship and a friendship, and neither can our hearts. Losing a friend can leave a void that is
minds: How did we get here? What did I do wrong? Were there signs this could happen? Recognizing that a friendship is coming to an end can be challenging. Here are some warning signs that may help you recognize when there are
1 Decline in Communication
One of the most apparent signs that a friendship is ending is a significant reduction in communication. If a friend who used to text or call frequently suddenly becomes distant, it may indicate that they are pulling away. You might find yourself always being the one to initiate contact, only to receive delayed or minimal responses.
2
Lack of E ort
parties. If you notice that your friend is no longer trying to spend time with you, it could be a sign of an
might manifest as canceled plans, reluctance to commit to future ac tivities, or a general disinterest in maintaining the relationship.
3 Changes in Behavior
Behavioral changes can be subtle or drastic. Your friend might start exhibiting nega tive behaviors such as being overly critical, dismissive, or irritable. Alternatively, they might
no interest in your life or the things you once enjoyed together.
4 Unresolved Con icts
Conflict is natural in any relationship, but unresolved issues can be detrimental. If conflicts are becoming more frequent and intense, or if past grievances are repeatedly brought up without resolution, it can create a toxic environment that erodes the friendship.
5 Feeling Drained
A friendship should be a source of support and joy. If interactions with your friend consistently leave you feeling drained, anxious, or unhappy, it may be a sign that the relationship
toll can indicate that the friendship is becoming more of a burden than a benefit.
6
Growth in Di erent Directions
People grow and change, sometimes
paths. If you find that you and your friend no longer share common interests, values, or life goals, it can create a disconnect that makes maintaining the friendship challenging.
If you recognize these warning signs and realize this is what is or has happened to your friendship, the pain of that realization can be range of emotions similar to those experienced during a romantic breakup. Understanding these emotions is the first step towards healing.
Shock and Denial: can be shock and denial. You might find it hard to believe that someone who was once a significant part of your life
Navigating the loss of a friendship requires time, self-compassion, and proac tive steps towards healing. Here are some strategies to help you cope and grieve the loss.
Allow Yourself to Grieve
It’s important to recognize that grieving the loss of a friendship is a legitimate process. Allow yourself to feel the full range of emotions without judgment. Journaling can be a helpful way to express and process your feelings.
Seek Support
Talking to a trusted friend, family member, or therapist about your feelings can provide comfort and perspective. Sharing your experience with someone who understands can alleviate feelings of loneliness and isolation.
Anger and Resentment: experience anger and resentment. You might feel betrayed, esp ec ially if the friendship ended abruptly or due to a conflict. It’s common to dwell on past events,
Sadness and Grief: Sadness is a natural response to loss. You may grieve the companionship, shared experiences, of this sadness can vary, but it’s essential to allow yourself to feel and process these emotions.
Loneliness and Isolation: lead to feelings of loneliness and isolation. Social you might find it challenging to engage in new friendships or social circles.
Acceptance and Healing: With time, you may begin to acc ept the loss and focus on healing. Acc eptance doesn’t friendship, but rather acknowledging that it has ended and making p eace with it.
Re ect on the Relationship
went wrong. Understanding the dynamics can help you relationships. Consider both the positive and negative aspects, and acknowledge the role each person played.
Focus on Self-Care
Engage in ac tivities that bring you joy and relaxation. Exercise, hobbies, and spending time in nature can improve your moo d and overall well-being. Practicing mindfulness and meditation can also help you stay grounded during this challenging time.
Reconnect with Yourself with yourself. Focus on personal growth, set new goals, and self-discovery can lead to greater resilience and self-awareness.
Consider New Friendships
While it’s important not to rush into new friendships as a way to fill the void, being open to meeting new people can eventually lead to meaningful connections. Join clubs,
that align with your interests.
Set Healthy Boundaries
As you move forward, prioritize relationships that are healthy and reciprocal. Set boundaries that protect your well-being and communicate your needs clearly. Healthy friendships are built on mutual respect, support, and understanding.
Practice Forgiveness
Forgiving your friend, and yourself, is a crucial step towards healing. Holding onto resentment can prolong your pain. While forgiveness doesn’t mean condoning harmful behavior, it allows you to release negative emotions and move forward with a lighter heart.
Healing from the loss of a friendship is a journey that takes time and patience. It’s important to be gentle with yourself and recognize that it’s okay to feel a range of emotions. Every friendship and its ending is unique, and so is the path to recovery.
Remember that the end of a friendship new, ful filling relationships. By understanding the signs of unhealthy friendships, acknowledging your emotions, and taking proactive steps towards healing, you can emerge stronger and more resilient.
Friendships are an integral part of our lives, shaping our experiences and contributing to our personal growth. While the loss of a
transformation. Embrace the journey with an open heart, and trust that with time, you will find peace and new connections that enrich your life in meaningful ways.
“
Healing from the loss of a friendship is a journey that takes time and patience.
”
Suely Rivera, the owner and lead therapist of In Bloom Counseling and Wellness, LLC, holds a Mas ters
Counselor and a Certified Life Coach. Suely is trained in EMDR for trauma, as well as in Emotion-Focused is a Prepare-Enriched facilitator. She also incorporates expressive writing and art techniques in her sessions.
VOICES OF GRIEF: What Helps and What Hurts
Who: Johanna Torres
Lost her mother and best friend, 4 months ago
What actions or words from others have provided you with the most comfort during this time?
A simple “thinking of you”. I have a friend who randomly sends me exactly those words and nothing else via text and it just makes me feel loved. Cared for. It lets me know that she knows that even though for most people my mother’s death is something in the past, to me is still very real and raw. I love her so much more for that. I also receive random “I love you” messages from my sister in law and they mean the world to me.
Was there anything well-intentioned that ended up feeling unhelpful or even hurtful?
When people tell me “well, you know, life goes on”. The truth is that my life as I knew it before 04/24/2024 when my mother died is not the same life that I live today. I am living a new normal. For 42 years my mom was an integral part of my life and now she is gone. Completely gone. She simply doesn’t exist anywhere on this planet and that is hard to wrap my head around. So the thought that I can just go back to life as it was before her death is just impossible.
How do you wish people would approach you or your grief differently?
I would just say that it’s okay to talk about her. That it’s okay to give your condolences if you haven’t seen me and want to say it. It’s okay to ask me about her or talk about her life. People often think that talking or asking will “remind me of her death”.
Trust me, I live with that sorrow each and every day since she passed, so don’t worry, you’re not reminding me.
What have you found yourself needing more or less of from those around you?
I wish people knew how much a phone call or text truly matters during this time. Grief can feel really lonely.
What insight would you share with someone who wants to support a grieving person but isn’t sure how?
Just be there for them even from afar. Even if they don’t reply right back, or even if they don’t have the energy to get out of bed on some days, just let them know you’re thinking of them. Grief is physically debilitating and mentallly draining—some days we are just merely surviving.
Tearful Two-Step:
The Dual-Process Grief Model
You probably won’t be bereaved for long before someone tells you about the five stages of grief. You likely knew of these even before you lost your loved one. This description of the grieving process came from research done in the 1960s when Elisabeth Kübler-Ross interviewed people facing death due to illness. For reasons that I have never fully grasped, the five-stage model of how people respond to their own imminent deaths became almost universally accepted as an accurate description of what happens when you lose a loved one. Five decades later, many people, including grief counselors, other mental health professionals, and members of the general public, still accept that this model describes the experience of bereavement.
The problem is that the five-stage model does not describe what bereaved people experience, or at least it doesn’t do that well. In my opinion, and that of many others, including some respectable researchers, it falls short.
Five-Stage Failings
The most common criticism of the five-stage model is that it seems to prescribe an orderly progression through the five stages—denial, bargaining, depression, anger, and acceptance. As most bereaved people know, grief is not orderly. Emotions swoop up and down, back and forth, over and under, and around and around. (Lately, I have been thinking of grief as something like a Whac-A-Mole game. A whole bunch of powerful feelings seem to pop up randomly in a chaotic, high-speed mess. I barely get guilt pounded down before here comes meaninglessness, after which yearning rears up, and so on. It keeps me constantly off balance.)
Kübler-Ross tried to explain away this shortcoming by asserting that stages may be traveled through in any order, skipped, or experienced more than once. This explanation does not fix the basic problem of the model, which is that it doesn’t describe what happens.
To me, the most serious shortcoming of this model is that it is missing important stages. There is no guilt stage, to start with. The five stages do describe some of the emotions or feelings that a grieving person may experience. But I don’t recall ever encountering a bereaved person who didn’t experience at least some guilt over a perceived responsibility for their loved one’s death. I’m sure they’re out there, and I may have met and forgotten an example, but no grief model can claim to describe the major elements of grief without including guilt.
The Tearful Two-Step: Dual-Process Grief
About 20 years ago, another model was developed. This dual-process model has since become the most widely accepted among grief researchers and theorists.
The dual-process model was developed by researchers Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut (the same two whose 2017 paper criticizing the five-stage model is linked above) and first described in a 1999 paper. The dual-process model describes two kinds of coping—loss-oriented and restoration-oriented—and suggests that grievers will repeatedly shift back and forth between these two approaches.
Here’s how it works:
You engage in loss-oriented coping when you yearn for your lost loved one, feel sad about the way in which they died, feel it’s unfair that they
“Some five-stage fans say guilt is included in the bargaining stage. To me, however, guilt deserves its own stage, if not a stage and a half.”
won’t have more life to share with you, dwell on the guilt you feel, fret over feelings of meaninglessness, etc.
Some five-stage fans say guilt is included in the bargaining stage. To me, however, guilt deserves its own stage, if not a stage and a half. And that’s just the beginning. Where is the meaninglessness stage? The anxiety stage? The yearning stage? None of these very common feelings experienced by bereaved people are included in the five-stage model. It has not just one but several fatal flaws.
The need for all these adjustments and excuses is just further illustration of the model’s failings, as far as I’m concerned. It confuses more than it clarifies. It’s a flawed model.
Restoration-oriented coping consists of doing things like trying to build a new life without your lost loved one, looking toward the future, developing goals and objectives, remembering them fondly, creating a legacy to honor their memory, etc.
Back and Forth, Round and Round
Oscillation is a key part of the Stroebe and Schut model. They say that bereaved people shift their focus from loss-oriented coping to restoration-oriented coping and then back again, over and over. This oscillation can happen when people become exhausted by doing one form of coping and move to the other as a way to rest. Does this resemble your own experience? It does mine. I’ll spend minutes, hours, days, or weeks locked in loss-oriented coping.
During this phase, I’ll think more or less constantly about Brady’s death, how I yearn to see, talk to, and hold him again, my role in failing to prevent his death, the injustice of the fact that he’s not doing what other 17-year-old high school seniors are doing now, my fear that something horrible will happen to my two surviving children, and so on. Then after a while, things will shift. I’ll start thinking about writing a new song, training for an upcoming athletic event, signing up for a backpacking trip, finishing his memento shadowbox, or some other future-oriented restoration activity. I’ll find solace and respite in these restoration-oriented activities. For a while. Then the pressure to mourn builds up, and I’ll go back into loss-oriented coping for a while. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. The two-step is a type of dance we do here in Texas. I think of the dual-process model as the tearful two-step.
A Restoration Focus
The dual-process model, as originally presented, made no judgment as to whether one kind of coping is somehow better than the other. However, about a decade after introducing their model, Stroebe and Schut and some other Dutch grief researchers investigated whether focusing more on one kind of coping had any effect on the duration and intensity of grief. They found that grievers who spend more time on restoration-oriented coping than on loss-oriented coping seem to suffer less and adjust sooner.
What I take away from this is that sometimes I’m going to cry and suffer, and other times I’m going to work on developing a new life. And I’m going to try to spend more time on restoration-oriented coping and less on loss-oriented coping. My hope is that this will help me adjust better to the loss of my son.
The Usual Caveat
These are models of grief. They are not the real thing. Models may be accurate when applied to a large population of bereaved people but far off target compared to your individual experience. It is difficult, as always, to reason from the general to the specific. This does not mean these models are worthless.
Smoking tobacco offers an example of the way a model can fail to describe specific experiences even when it is generally valid. Most people, including me, accept the validity of the research showing that smoking cigarettes will kill you.
If you’ve been living in a cave for decades and are not aware of the ways smoking hurts your health, the U.S. Centers for Disease Control offers evidence about them here. There are a lot. They are bad. Smoking-related deaths are the most common preventable deaths, at least in America, accounting for nearly half a million deaths a year.
Yet these statistics are only probabilities and likelihoods. It is not certain that smoking will kill you or any given individual. For example, my sister’s late mother-in-law smoked for 70 years and died at age 92. If we relied upon this single example, we might tell our kids, “Go ahead! Light up!” We don’t, of course. Instead, we urge kids not to smoke.
It is not a bad idea to look at grief models and grief research similarly. If you follow some of the evidence-based bereavement grief coping strategies, odds are that you’ll have an easier time of it. But this is a probability, not a guarantee. In your individual case, it may help a lot or not at all. Personally, I’m betting on the odds as supported by the evidence and trying to implement many of these evidence-based coping strategies. Other bereaved people could have a similar or better experience by doing something completely different. Your mileage may vary. I wish I could offer certainty. Certainty is something many blogs promise, but this isn’t one of them.
Bio: Mark Henricks is a father and freelance writer living in Granbury, Texas, where he cares for his mother and in his spare time enjoys playing in an acoustic music duo, competing in triathlons, backpacking, kayaking and reading.
Jojo’s Kitchen
Cozy & Healthy Pumpkin Spice La e
Introduction:
This Fall, we're all about embracing those cozy feels, and nothing says autumn like a warm, comforting Pumpkin Spice La e. But why not enjoy it without the guilt? This homemade version is as delicious as it is wholesome, made with real pumpkin puree, warm spices, and a touch of maple syrup. Whether you’re enjoying it on a crisp morning or as an afternoon pick-me-up, this la e is the perfect way to celebrate the season while staying true to your health goals.
Ingredients:
1 cup unsweetened coconut milk (or any milk of your choice)
2 tablespoons canned pumpkin puree
1 tablespoon pure maple syrup (adjust to taste)
½ teaspoon pumpkin pie spice blend
½ teaspoon pure vanilla extract
½ cup strong brewed coffee or espresso
Whipped cream (optional, for topping)
Ground cinnamon or nutmeg (optional, for garnish)
Instructions:
Brew Coffee or Espresso: Start by brewing a strong cup of coffee or espresso using your preferred method. Set aside.
Warm Milk and Pumpkin: In a small saucepan, heat the coconut milk and pumpkin puree over medium heat. Stir well to combine and warm it up, but don't let it boil.
Add Sweetener and Spices: Stir in the maple syrup, pumpkin pie spice, and vanilla extract. Adjust the sweetness to your liking.
Blend and Froth: Using an immersion blender or regular blender, blend the pumpkin-spice milk mixture until frothy. Be careful when blending hot liquids.
Combine with Coffee: Pour the brewed coffee or espresso into a large mug. Slowly pour the frothy pumpkin-spice milk mixture over the coffee.
Optional Toppings: Top with whipped cream and a sprinkle of cinnamon or nutmeg if you like.
Serve Hot: Your Healthy Pumpkin Spice Latte is ready to enjoy! Make sure to savor every cozy sip.
Notes:
Substitutions: Swap coconut milk with your favorite dairy or plant-based milk. If you’re out of pumpkin puree, canned butternut squash works too.
Sweetness: Feel free to adjust the amount of maple syrup to your taste.
Frothing Tip: If you don’t have a frother, blending the milk mixture in a blender will still give you a nice frothy texture
Nutritional Information (Per Serving):
Calories: 120
Fat: 5g
Protein: 2g
Carbohydrates: 18g .
Voices of Grief
What Helps and What Hurts
Who: Mark Henricks
Lost his son, Brady, 7 years ago
What actions or words from others have provided you with the most comfort during this time?
I really appreciated it when my mother stayed with me for a month after Brady’s death, preparing meals and helping me get through the day when it was most di cult.
How do you wish people would approach you or your grief di erently?
I’d rather people not try to avoid saying or doing things that they think might trigger my grief.
Was there anything well-intentioned that ended up feeling unhelpful or even hurtful?
When a relative was suggesting that Brady died rather than be committed to a full-time residential mental health facility, I took it as a suggestion that I had driven him to his death and found it extremely di cult to take.
What insight would you share with someone who wants to support a grieving person but isn’t sure how?
I have found it is common for bereaved people to want others to share memories of the lost loved one and to not be afraid to mention them and say their name, rather than to avoid the topic and never bring them up. This is counter-intuitive, because it may seem better to avoid mentioning the person who died.
In The Book of Joy: Lasting Happiness in a Changing World, co-author (with the Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu) and narrator Douglas Carlton Abrams tells a story about his father, who suffered a brain injury. It was touch and go for a while, but when he came around, his other son said to him, “I’m sorry this happened to you.”
And the father responded, “It’s OK. It’s part of my curriculum.”
It’s part of my curriculum.
A useful metaphor for life, and for grief.
“Thinking of grieving as a form of learning makes [grief] a little more familiar and helps us to understand,” said psychologist Mary-Frances O’Connor, author of The Grieving Brain: The Surprising Science of How We Learn From Love and Loss.
Before she started studying grief, O’Connor had commonplace beliefs about it. “I had a very traditional view that this is an event that happens to us, and so we have to react to that stress and recover.”
But she soon came to understand grief was not just the addition of stress; more importantly, it was a profound subtraction. “It had not really occurred to me that the brain had to adjust to the loss of this person that provides all this comfort and reward, and we have to figure out how to live in the world with that absence.” Learning to live with the absence is the most primal lesson in the Grief 101 curriculum.
How Grie f CHANGES THE BRAIN
When we lose a loved one, our brains must adjust to a profoundly changed world.
Grief Kindergarten Is Chaos
Very early grief is a chaotic free-for-all, internally. Our brains spin like a busted hard drive trying to locate the person we have lost. They run through scenario after scenario, all ending with the loved one surviving. They struggle to make sense of an unimaginable future. And all this while also negotiating the necessities of living: waking up, taking a shower, feeding ourselves. And we must do more complex tasks—working, parenting, and engaging with others.
Early on in grief, this chaos is fine. Not fun, but not surprising. Early grief is an out-of-control kindergarten, with di cult new thoughts and emotions running amok in our brains. Is it any wonder grief is also physically exhausting? “It’s like you’re trying to learn calculus while also running a marathon,” O’Connor said—hence, the brain fog many of us complain about.
Neural Bereavement
Our brains are expending energy just looking for our lost loved ones. Researchers have identified what they call “here, now, close” neurons that evolved to help us keep track of the loved ones on whom we depend. When our loved one’s corporeal presence suddenly vanishes (and it feels abrupt, even when expected), our brains don’t stop looking right away. They must learn over time that the person is no longer here, now, close.
And, studying voles, researchers spotted what they call “partner approach neurons” in the amygdala. These are “neurons that are specifically firing as you approach your partner,” says O’Connor. “As the bonds get stronger, there are more of these neurons.” What happens to those neurons when that loved one is gone? We don’t yet know. This field of research is fairly new, and longitudinal studies have not been completed.
Mindfulness and Grief
Our brains also must learn to handle intense emotions, including sadness and what I think of as its accompanying gremlins: guilt, rumination, and regret. While sadness is inevitable and healthy, the gremlins obstruct healing. One hypothesis posits that rumination is a way of trying to avoid the gut-wrenching sadness of pure grief, either by distracting ourselves with guilt and regret or living in a la-la-land of better outcomes.
“All those stories we’re telling ourselves, those virtual realities we’re making up, all those stories end in ‘and then my loved one lived,’” said O’Connor. “But of course, that’s not the reality. As deeply painful as it is to face that, it is also the world in which you live now. Spending a lot of time in this virtual world doesn’t help us connect with people around us, doesn’t help us figure out what is meant for us to do today.”
Today, here, now, is where some peace can be found: Yes, he is gone, but the sky is blue, there’s a cardinal on the bird bath, and my co ee is hot. Would I rather he were here enjoying the morning with me? Of course. But he’s not, and wishing brings only pain. This is a mindfulness practice, of noticing when your mind wanders towards dark passages and pulling it back to the present moment.
“When our loved one’s corporeal presence suddenly vanishes (and it feels abrupt, even when expected), our brains don’t stop looking right away.”
Neural Rewiring
Neurons that fire together wire together, so my strategy for the grief gremlins has been banishing them—again and again. I don’t want my brain wired to take me to dark places every time I think about Tom. When my mind starts going down a dark path, I’ll say, often aloud, “It’s too late.”
Sometimes I block the thoughts with a visualization of something that represents Tom for me, or, better, a loving memory of him, to strengthen that neural connection.
Maybe that sounds kind of clinical. Trust me: There was lots of abject sobbing as well. But grief waves are something else we learn to manage. In the first months after Tom died, I kept tears at bay, fearing that, once loosed, they would never stop. Eventually, the dam broke, but I learned that, given space, even the most primal wails eventually petered out. They came on and moved through me. So when I felt the urge to cry, I cried until the crying stopped, which it always did—until next time, when I would let it move through me again. I still use this skill because the tears aren’t over yet and might never be. I’ve gotten good at crying discreetly in supermarkets and other public places.
(Sunglasses, of course.)
No Skipping This Class
It’s important to note that keeping the true pain of grief at bay with drugs, alcohol, work, rumination, or whatever you use for escape is not the same as managing it. Sure, taking breaks from the pain is perfectly fine. I took a weekslong road trip early on, running away from the pain for as long as I could before returning home to let the weeping begin. But long-term avoidance of the pain doesn’t teach your brain how to process it. Staying home alone doesn't help your brain learn how to function in the world without your person. And avoiding places, people, or activities that remind you of the person “takes us out of our day-to-day life,” says O’Connor. “It prevents us from having the deep and often meaningful interactions that we can have.” She recommends reaching out for support to face the places or activities you fear.
Grief 101 is not an easy A; it’s a long and di cult slog, and the lessons come in fits and starts. When our loved one died, the map our brain worked from—of both our inner and outer worlds—was profoundly altered. For a while, neurons fire every which way, trying to make sense of things. Eventually—and we can help—they make new connections as they learn their way around this new terrain.
“Of course, learning takes a long time, of course, learning is frustrating, of course, you can’t learn everything on the first day,” says O’Connor. “Learning is new neural connections, and your brain is there to support you to do that learning.”
Bio: Sophia is the author of The Introvert's Way: Living a Quiet Life in a Noisy World and Introverts in Love: The Quiet Way to Happily Ever After. She is also the author of 100 Places in the USA Every Woman Must Go, The Yankee Chick's Survival Guide to Texas and co-author of The Making of Dr. Phil: The Straight-Talking True Story of Everyone's Favorite Therapist and I Can Still Laugh: Stories of Inspiration and Hope from Individuals Living with Alzheimer's. Her essays and articles have appeared in newspapers and magazines nationwide. Please visit her blog on Psychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/widows-walk.
Voices of Grief: What Helps and What Hurts
Who: Sophia Demling
Lost her husband, Tom, 4 years ago
I had a friend who texted every day for at least a month, maybe more, just saying "checking in" and she let me say whatever I needed to say. (I'm not a fan of the telephone, so the text was perfect.) This
She didn't try to give advice or cheer me up, she just let me express my feelings. Also, my husband died suddenly in the middle of the didn't spend another night alone for months--pandemic be damned. They took turns staying in my guest room (we took pandemic
out, I was ready to live alone. And people were generous in helping with some of the work of post-death cleanup. I had to close down my husband's picture-framing shop and many people came to help with that. My brother-in-law came from out of town and helped organize Tom's paperwork. A friend's husband dealt with the crematorium and made sure Tom's brother was able to view the body before he had to leave town, which
Food is always, always helpful, including groceries rather than always prepared meals, because I never
I wish people would invite me out to dinner made me keenly aware of couples privilege. People tend to forget about me in a way they didn't forget me and Tom. This is among the many secondary losses I've takes work.
I tell people that if it starts with "At least..." then don't say it. People would say, "At least you had a loving marriage, some people never have that." Yes, well intended, but it just made me feel the loss even more deeply. I know what we had was special and this highlighted the fact that I will very likely never have it again. And while I am fortunate that nobody said these to wouldn't want you to be sad" are not helpful at all.
I have been fortunate; my friends have mostly been wonderful.
away; it just changes and evolves. People don't "get year--my grief guru, David Kessler, considers the be even longer for those of us whose losses were
Your grieving friends don't need advice--and certainly not from anyone who has not experienced spouse, you don't know what it feels like so don't helpful. The best thing to do is to listen without fear or judgment and follow their lead. If they don't feel like going anywhere, don't try to talk them into it. They are the experts of their own grief.
UNDERSTANDING and EMBRACING the Grief of Self-Loss
What do you do when the grieving process involves your sense of self? When it’s not about losing a loved one, but about losing who you thought you’d be, who you wanted to be, or even who you once were? How do you live with that? Depression often brings a sense of losing oneself. Even when you manage to nd yourself again, looking back can be painful. What happened to me? Why couldn’t I shake the cloud that followed me—into my new job, new relationship, and even the new addition to our family? Re ecting on the past can feel like a failure because, in retrospect, you see all the things you could have done di erently. But I’m here to tell you, depression doesn’t work that way. Sometimes, it feels like you’re in a cycle of grief—but with yourself. You know what you’re capable of, you know you were designed for more, but you just can’t seem to make it happen.
I’ve been there. Picture this moment with me. e scene is a park—trees, playgrounds, kids running and smiling, parents chatting and playing with their children. Some people are strolling, others are running or working out, and a few are peacefully engrossed in a book. You can hear laughter in the background, but the music playing is sorrowful. e music doesn’t match the scene. It’s loud, drowning out the sound of laughter. You can hear it, but faintly. ere’s a bench you’re sitting on—close enough to everything happening around you, but far enough that you’re not part of it. Close enough to feel like you’re missing out, and unmotivated enough to remain on the outside, unable to participate. e sky is bright and shining, but for some reason, where you’re sitting isn’t as bright. It’s dim, and you’re just a spectator. Depression can feel like this very scene. Sometimes, you’re the child running and laughing with friends. Depression doesn’t always mean you’re catatonic and isolated. But that bench is always there, waiting for you to sit down, waiting for you to not be able to get up. Until you do get up. And although getting up means the skies are clearing, you’re left with the guilt of what you didn’t do or couldn’t do during that time.
is loss can feel like grief—the grief of losing yourself. Grief and guilt have a toxic relationship. Sometimes, I wonder if it’s even possible to experience grief without at least a little bit of guilt. Guilt is the biggest thief. It peeks around the corner and whispers, “You’re so ungrateful,” “Look what you missed out on,” “You let so many people down.” e guilt can feel su ocating, leading you to isolate. You feel the world knows the imposter that you are, which only adds to the isolation. It’s a cycle—one negative thought begets another.
If you can relate to this, you’re not alone. If you’ve ever experienced depression or a depressive episode, you’ve likely felt this level of self-grief. You’ve felt the loss of yourself and embarked on the journey of repair.
So what do you do? You stop it. No, you can’t just stop the depression. Some ignorant people will tell you that you can stop depression if you focus on what you do have, if you practice gratitude, and blah, blah, blah. And yes, focus on what you do have, focus on what is going right, and de nitely practice gratitude daily. We got that part, thanks! But it’s the grief that we need to tackle—the false belief that you lost yourself. You didn’t lose yourself. So stop it. Every time you allow the grief of self to enter the chat, you also invite its toxic brother, guilt. You didn’t lose yourself. Repeat after me: I didn’t lose myself. I didn’t lose myself. I know you might not believe me just yet, but stay with me. Trust this process, just this time, just for once. What if losing yourself is all part of actually nding yourself? Hear me out. You become more aware of what you need, even if you can’t access it. You become more aware of how much you need yourself, not those around you. You realize that what others have or what you thought they could o er you isn’t what you really needed after all. You realize this when you emerge from the funk and the cloud lifts. You see that it was just you and God who can sustain you. You realize that you may, in fact, have support and love all around you, but it’s not their job to x you or pull you out of your mess. No one can x you but you. And if you truly embrace and accept that in those moments of loss, you are truly found, then a shift happens.
I’m in this middle group. I experienced my rst depression in 2013, my second in 2017, and most recently, in February 2024. I’ve had mini depressive episodes in between—usually hormonally related and situational—but the three mentioned above left a dent in my psyche and self-con dence. But here’s the trick: Re-write the lesson. e lesson wasn’t that I wasn’t strong enough to cut the depression short. I was strong enough to endure it until the end and learn from it.
I gained empathy—greater than I could have imagined. I hadn’t fully understood some of my family members’ chronic depression. But having experienced a few episodes, I truly empathize with those who don’t feel the relief of the cloud lifting and must take medication. And when I can nally step away, I have empathy for myself. I extend myself grace. I gained clarity. A depressive episode will truly show you what matters and what doesn’t. It will show you what your focus should really be on. And although in the middle of the episode, I had little energy to focus on anything, I took note of what I was able to grasp and what I desperately wished I could have kept my grip on. It allowed me to see what I prioritize and what I need to prioritize. And let me tell you, it shows you who is really in your corner.
Lastly, I gained a new sense of bravery. e courage it takes to walk through the storm, knowing that you will come out on the other side, is bravery in its own classi cation. It’s hard to recognize because it’s invisible, and maybe only you and God know what you have truly faced. It brings forth a sense of self-reliance and resilience that births a stronger sense of self. I am brave, I am courageous, and I can and will overcome any obstacle that comes my way.
“I am brave, I am courageous, and I can and will overcome any obstacle that comes my way.”
Before you blow this o as BS, let me break this down a bit further. ere are di erent forms of depression, including major depressive disorder, persistent depressive disorder (dysthymia), and bipolar disorder, among others.
Some types of depression may require medication for management, and it’s important to consult a healthcare provider if you suspect this might be the case for you. e depression I’m referring to is cyclical and often situational. It’s in your DNA, but you manage. You’re functional—in a funk, but functional. You may have considered medication or were once on medication, but you nd a way to cope until the funk is over. I’m referring to you. is is a group we don’t always address. We often focus on more severe depression that requires medication or just the bad days, but what about the group in the middle that struggles with cyclical depression? is depression causes impairment and isolation but not to the degree that alarms go o
To summarize, grief of self is a real thing. e grieving process of perceiving having lost yourself or having let yourself go can be very painful. e dreams, wishes, and wants we have for our lives or the person we want to be can feel a million miles away when we are unmotivated and sad. But when you accept that you are not, in fact, lost but truly in a process of growth, your mindset will shift. It might not remove the cloud immediately, but it gives you the ability to sustain it—even just a little bit more. It reminds you that you will come out stronger, braver, and more resilient on the other side with a clearer sense of self. If you can’t change it, you can at least learn from it. Prepare for it and know that fear won’t make it land any easier. If I can do it, so can you. I believe in you.
Disclaimer: In this article, I discuss a mild to moderate case of depression. If you do not relate to this level of depression or are experiencing severe signs such as suicidal thoughts, inability to function in daily life, extreme mood swings, or persistent feelings of hopelessness, please contact a mental health care professional immediately. Not all depressive episodes nd relief, and you might need treatment from a medical professional such as a psychiatrist.
JoJo Bio:
JoJo is the Editor-in-Chief and heart behind Chasing Clarity Magazine, bringing over a decade of hands-on experience in the mental health eld as a bilingual counselor.
With a relational and holistic approach, she helps clients feel seen, known, and understood. JoJo is passionate about reigniting the ame in people's lives, empowering them to navigate challenges with a greater sense of self.
Her expertise includes grief (with a focus on ambiguous grief), healthy relationships, body image, and more. Having been in the client’s chair herself, JoJo understands the journey toward emotional well-being and is dedicated to walking alongside others, fostering a supportive environment for healing and growth.
You can learn more about JoJo and her services at www. eClarityHour.net.
Ingredients:
JOJO'S KITCHEN
Sweet and Savory Thanksgiving Side Dish R
Introduction: This Fall, we're diving into a dish that's sure to brighten up your holiday table with both color and avor. Roasted Brussels Sprouts and Cinnamon Bu ernut Squash with Pecans and Cranberries is a festive side dish that perfectly captures the essence of fall. Originating from the rich culinary traditions of the autumn harvest, this dish blends the hearty goodness of roasted vegetables with the sweetness of cranberries and the crunch of pecans. It's not only delicious but also gluten-free, vegetarian, and packed with ber—making it a great choice for anyone looking to add a healthy, avorful side to their holiday spread.
1 ½ lb bu ernut squash, peeled, seeded, and cubed into 1-inch pieces (about 4 cups uncooked)
2 tablespoons olive oil
3 tablespoons maple syrup
½ teaspoon ground cinnamon
Other Ingredients:
2 cups pecan halves
1 cup dried cranberries
2-4 tablespoons maple syrup (optional)
Notes:
If you’re not a fan of pecans, try substituting them with pumpkin seeds for an equally delicious crunch.
To save time, roast both the Brussels sprouts and bu ernut squash on separate baking sheets simultaneously.
Nutritional Information (per serving):
Calories: 280
Fats: 18g
Proteins: 4g
Carbohydrates: 28g
Fiber: 6g
Instructions:
Roasting the Brussels Sprouts:
Preheat your oven to 400°F. Lightly grease a foil-lined baking sheet with 1 tablespoon of olive oil.
Trim the ends of the Brussels sprouts and remove any yellow leaves.
Slice each sprout in half.
In a medium bowl, toss the halved Brussels sprouts with 2 tablespoons of olive oil and salt.
Spread the Brussels sprouts, cut side down, on the prepared baking sheet. Roast for 20-25 minutes, turning them over during the last 5-10 minutes for even browning.
Roasting the Bu ernut Squash:
Preheat your oven to 400°F. Lightly grease a foil-lined baking sheet with 1 tablespoon of olive oil.
In a medium bowl, toss the cubed bu ernut squash with 1 tablespoon of olive oil, maple syrup, and cinnamon.
Spread the squash in a single layer on the baking sheet. Roast for 20-25 minutes, turning once halfway through, until so ened.
Toasting the Pecans:
Preheat your oven to 350°F. Line a baking sheet with parchment paper.
Spread the pecans on the prepared baking sheet and toast for about 5 minutes, or until they darken in color. Be sure to check frequently to avoid burning.
Assembly:
In a large bowl, combine the roasted Brussels sprouts, roasted bu ernut squash, toasted pecans, and cranberries. (Optional) For added sweetness, drizzle 2-4 tablespoons of maple syrup over the mixture. Start with 2 tablespoons, toss, and add more if desired.
Conclusion:
I can’t wait for you to try this beautiful dish! The combination of avors—earthy Brussels sprouts, sweet bu ernut squash, crunchy pecans, and tart cranberries—is simply delightful. This recipe is de nitely going to make an appearance on my Thanksgiving menu as a side dish, and I hope it nds a place on yours too. Enjoy, and happy cooking from JoJo's Kitchen!
VOICES OF GRIEF:
What Helps and What Hurts
Who: Elizabeth Lopez Lost her father, 4 months ago
How do you wish people would approach you or your grief differently?
Sometimes, I wish people wouldn’t compare their loss to mine and would just listen. It’s natural to want to relate by sharing similar experiences, but sometimes, I just need someone to listen. Every loss is unique, as is every relationship. My father died tragically and far too soon, which is different from losing an elderly grandparent who was already ill. While both are painful, they’re not the same and shouldn’t be compared.
What have you found yourself needing more or less of from those around you?
I need more patience. I used to be very responsive to calls and text messages, but since my miscarriage and the loss of my father, I genuinely need more time to respond. It took me weeks to go through text messages after losing my dad, and to this day, I still haven’t been able to address all the Facebook and Instagram messages and other communications. My grief has definitely affected my cognition, impacting my memory and ability to concentrate. I just need others to understand that I’m not the same “Elizabeth” I was before and that I need grace now more than ever.
What insight would you share with someone who wants to support a grieving person but isn’t sure how?
When supporting a grieving person, it’s best to simply be present without trying to fix or compare their pain to your own. It’s okay to admit that you don’t know what to say, but be willing to sit in silence with them, hand them a tissue to wipe their tears, and listen as they share stories about their loved one. It’s also important to understand that grief is ongoing; once the services are over, it doesn’t mean that in just a few short weeks they’ll be better. Grief is unpredictable and I’ve heard that it never really goes away. Someone once told me that you simply grow around your grief, giving it more space. With that in mind, it’s helpful to continue checking in after the initial shock has passed. Offering specific help, like running an errand or bringing a meal or groceries, is much more supportive than saying, “Let me know if you need anything.” Grief can make it difficult to even know what you need.
The end of my dad’s life has brought me incredible sadness, but when I think of the hilarious and loving core memories we shared, I’m filled with gratitude for having experienced that kind of love. I’ll miss him for the rest of my life and look forward to our reunion in heaven. I miss you, babe!
MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF YEAR
Sometimes it doesn’t feel so wonderful.
The end of the year is a time that can be complicated for many people. It often brings a mix of celebration, time with loved ones, engagement in traditions, and fun events. However, for some, it can also be a season marked by loneliness and isolation, with triggers of grief and loss accompanying those traditions and meaningful moments. If you're struggling during this season, here are a few tips that might help you cope.
It is OK to set boundaries and say no.
There may be various events, such as parties or family gatherings, that you do not want to participate in this year. It is OK to identify your needs, communicate them to others, or choose not to attend an event. Even when you feel pressured to participate, it is healthy to advocate for your needs and choose to say no.
Alternatively, you might decide to attend an event but leave early or only participate in certain parts. Focus on identifying how you feel about the event, consider what would make it feel comfortable for you to attend, and make decisions based on your needs this season, even if they differ from what someone else might choose
It is also OK to say yes and participate in fun events.
On the flip side, you might feel guilty for wanting to attend an event. It is OK to give yourself permission to say yes and allow yourself to have a good time. Enjoying moments of positivity does not dishonor the loss you have experienced or your grief. Loneliness and isolation can be a difficult trap to fall into when grieving, often making things feel worse. It might be helpful to challenge yourself to identify which events are worth attending and say yes to those while also saying no to the ones that don't feel right for you this year.
Listen to your body and respect your needs.
You are the expert on yourself and your needs. Only you can know what decisions feel right for you. Listening to your body and emotions can guide you through this season, helping you honor what you need at any moment. It is OK, and even likely, that your feelings will change throughout the season, or even throughout the day. You might even feel multiple emotions at once. Creating space to allow yourself to feel whatever arises and taking time to honor all your emotions this year can be very helpful.
Monitor your exposure to media.
This time of year can be challenging for many reasons, partly due to the media messaging we receive. Commercials often depict happy families gathered together, and the music in stores tells cheerful stories, invoking memories of past seasons. These messages can create the impression that everyone else is having a picture-perfect season.
It may be helpful to establish some boundaries around the media you consume to protect yourself from these messages if they add to your sense of pressure or grief. Remind yourself that just because marketing tells a certain story does not mean everyone else is having a perfect time. Many people struggle during this season; you are not alone.
Invest in healthy coping strategies.
It can be easy to fall into unhealthy coping strategies to get through the season. Behaviors like drinking to numb your feelings or isolating yourself from your social support network to avoid potential grief triggers might feel helpful in the moment but can ultimately make things more difficult.
Instead, try to invest in healthy coping strategies. You might want to talk to a friend or family member, reach out to a support group of others who are also struggling, try mindfulness practices, volunteer and give back to others, start a new tradition, or honor other traditions that are important to you. Finding ways to move your body and taking time to feel your feelings can help both in the moment and in the long term.
Involve your loved ones.
When you have lost someone you love, it can be difficult to face this time of year without them. While they may not be physically present, you can find ways to include them in your celebration. You might continue their favorite traditions, serve their favorite dish for dinner, donate to their favorite charity in their name, share stories of favorite memories, place a photo or memento in their spot at the table, visit or decorate their grave or memorial, or find another meaningful way to keep your loved one as part of your holiday.
There are countless ways to include your loved ones. Take the time to find the way that means the most to you.
Embrace the messiness.
Grief and happiness can coexist. Honoring one emotion does not mean the other will disappear. Life has room for both the hard things and the bright moments. It may not be straightforward, but finding ways to experience all of your emotions for what they are can help you navigate this season successfully while grieving.
“While they may not be physically present, you can find ways to include them in your celebration.”
Bio: Amy Smith, PhD, LMFT, CFLE, is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Colorado specializing in grief and loss, trauma, life transitions and relationships. She is passionate about helping people cultivate healthy lives and relationships, particularly when life has taken unexpected turns. With a strong research background in promoting effective communication and understanding therapeutic relationships, she integrates science into the art of therapy. Amy is also dedicated to educating future therapists and human service workers, serving as an AAMFT-approved supervisor and teaching at institutions like Colorado State University, Regis University, and National University.
Divorce & Grief
Navigating the Pain of Loss and Finding Peace
Divorce is the ending of a marriage, the painful realization that a relationship has run its course and that the sacred vows once made will no longer be honored. It marks the death of a connection, the death of love, and the death of a union between two people who once promised to stay together. When children are involved, the family dynamic shifts dramatically—from a single household with shared routines to two separate households, each with its own, often inconsistent, way of life.
The grief of divorce is complex and multifaceted. It is not merely the loss of a spouse but a profound emotional upheaval that can encompass feelings of failure, rejection, heartbreak, anger, betrayal, abandonment, and deep loss. Unlike the death of a spouse, which is often met with societal support and understanding, divorce can carry a stigma, leaving individuals to navigate their grief in isolation.
nearby overheard and offered her own story. She had recently lost her husband, a sorrowful event, yet to my surprise, she chose to console me rather than dwell on her own pain
When I awkwardly expressed my condolences, she responded with a surprising sense of peace. She spoke of her loss but emphasized that she had never experienced rejection, never felt unloved, and always felt safe to be herself. Despite her grief, she knew she was wanted and had always felt secure in her marriage. Her words resonated deeply with me, highlighting a crucial difference in our experiences of loss.
In this woman's story, I saw a stark contrast to my own experience. While she grieved the death of her husband, she did so with the comfort of knowing she was loved and cherished until the very end. My grief, however, was colored by feelings of rejection and abandonment, emotions that complicated my healing process. Her words reminded me that while the grief of losing a spouse and the grief of divorce are different, both are valid and deserve compassion and understanding.
Divorce may not involve the physical death of a partner, but it represents the death of dreams, hopes, and the future once envisioned. It requires a unique kind of mourning, one that acknowledges the profound sense of loss while also making room for healing and growth. As we navigate this challenging journey, we must allow ourselves to grieve fully, without comparison or judgment, understanding that our pain is real and deserving of care.
Moving Forward: Strategies for Healing
Working through the stages of grief is essential to moving forward after a divorce. These stages include:
1. Shock & Denial: This stage often involves searching for answers and dealing with emotional numbing and disbelief.
2.Anger: Feelings of unfairness, betrayal, and reliving past episodes of the relationship often arise during this stage.
3.Bargaining: This can involve attempts to save the relationship or questioning the decision to move forward.
4.Depression: As the reality of the loss sets in, it includes grieving the end of the relationship along with the loss of future hopes and dreams.
5.Acceptance: This stage involves a continuous effort to understand that the relationship is over, which can be particularly challenging when co-parenting and ongoing interactions with the ex-spouse are necessary.
These stages are not linear; they fluctuate. You may think you've moved past the stage of anger only to find it resurfacing later. However, understanding these stages can help in recognizing your emotions and progressing through them.
There are strategies to help you move forward, such as attending a Divorce Care group, investing in personal counseling, exercising, and creating a community that is affirming and loving. One of the most difficult steps in this process is identifying the “new you.” Creating a sense of personal well-being and reconnecting with your healthy self-esteem, which includes stabilizing your family and establishing a new “normal” for everyone, is crucial. Take time to process your story and learn about your strengths and challenges in past relationships to bring about your personal healing.
Finding Peace and Acceptance
In the end, the older woman's words served as a gentle reminder that peace and healing are achievable, even after the most difficult losses. Whether through the death of a spouse or the end of a marriage, the journey through grief ultimately leads to a place of acceptance, where we can find comfort in knowing that we are loved, wanted, and deserving of peace.
By embracing the complexities of divorce-related grief and actively working through the healing process, we can navigate this difficult journey and emerge stronger, with a renewed sense of self and a deepened understanding of our capacity for resilience and peace.
Divorce is the ending of a marriage, the painful realization that a relationship has run its course and that the sacred vows once made will no longer be honored.
”
Bio: Maria Fernandez is a Licensed Mental Health Therapist who specializes in working with adults who struggle with trauma, anxiety, depression, marital conflicts, and loss. Maria provides various trauma-informed and integrative modalities to adapt to the needs of her clients. She has a history of providing pastoral care in the Christian faith community and is fully bilingual in English and Spanish.
Life Strategies Counseling LLC
Business Cell: 407-738-0955
Email: MariaLSCC@outlook.com
What Is Ambiguous Grief and How to Begin Healing
Death isn’t a prerequisite to grief—common life events activate grief ambiguity.
Soulbroken- Psychology Today
Grief is a universal experience. Regardless of geography, socio-economic status, age, or gender, humans grieve when a loved one dies. But what about loss that changes or ends the relationship without a physical death? For example, the loss of a child to substance abuse disorder, a parent to cognitive decline, a spouse to divorce, a sibling to estrangement, or a dear friend to mental illness. Though most of us will experience the pain of grieving a living loved one at least once in our lifetime, few know this pain has a name, much less how to heal. But it doesn’t have to be this way.
?How Do We Grieve When Our Loved One Has Not Died but Is No Longer in Our Lives as They Once Were?
This was one of the many questions I sought to answer when seeking to understand my own pain brought on by a sudden divorce. The ache of losing my beloved marriage was profound; I stopped eating, I couldn’t sleep, and depression enveloped me. For reasons I only understood much later, I initially kept my devastation private, sharing the news only with my newly enlisted therapist and one trusted friend. Three months later, with their help (and the right combination of prescription medications), I finally informed my family and friends.
After nearly two decades as a wife, the title no longer applied to me, and detaching from this part of my identity only intensified an already destabilizing time. I struggled to understand the new part I was playing in a production in which I’d never wanted to be cast. I wasn’t a wife, and I wasn’t a widow—though I sometimes dreamed of playing the part, accepting rounds of heartfelt condolences from my audience and gratefully receiving their ovation as an acknowledgment of my grief.
But the honor of this designation (and all it symbolizes) didn’t apply to me because, of course, there was no physical death. Which, in turn, meant there was no obituary, no funeral, no eulogy, no sympathy cards, and no cache of casseroles in my freezer. Without these traditional societal norms to engage and in which to participate, my loss felt minimized, and my deep grief under-recognized. It was in this strange place of reconciling who I am with who I had been that I became consumed with an overwhelming desire to heal.
How Do We Heal What We Can’t Name?
I spent hours perusing journal articles, questioning my therapist, reading countless books, and even writing to authors. My initial search yielded plenty of resources for the newly divorced, as well as a plethora of information about dying, death, and grief. However, I was unable to find the exact book I was seeking—one that could guide me through my journey and provide answers to my now expanded question: How do we grieve and heal when our loved one has not died but is no longer in our lives as they once were?
My search led me to the work of renowned family therapist Dr. Pauline Boss. In the 1970s, while treating spouses of missing-in-action military members, Boss loss.” She defined it as occurring when there is a physical absence with psychological presence (e.g., a loved one is physically missing or bo dily gone) or when there is a psychological absence with a physical presence (e.g., Alzheimer’s
come back or return to the way they used to be.” Over the decades, Boss’s name which has b ec ome a resource for academics and practitioners alike.
For me, even Dr. Boss’ impressive bo dy of work and the expanded work of others
from starring in the role themselves. Additionally, not unlike the search for my children’s pediatrician, where I wanted a practitioner who was also a parent, I sought insight into this grief from those who had personally experienced it and
Whether I could find these people or not, at my core, I knew I needed to learn
?
questions: namely, how do we grieve when our loved one is still alive but lost to us? What is the process for grieving when there is not a physical death? What role does hope play
Ultimately, this independent study revealed more than I anticipated. Most notably that an overwhelming percentage of the population is likely to know that this grief many, some of which include Alzheimer’s disease, addiction, divorce, estrangement, incarceration, indoctrination (think cult or gang), gender disorders or illness).
If the event that activates the loss is internalized as embarrassing or shameful, disclose their loss right away, if ever, even to loving family members grief was activated by her spouse’s incarceration, the COVID-19 pandemic reduced, and I’ll get what I’m hoping for… him to be out before anyone has to know.”
“How do we grieve and heal when our longer in our lives
Voices of Grief:
What Helps and What Hurts
Who: Amy Smith
Lost three grandparents in a span of 9 months between 2017-2018. Additionally, she experienced ambiguous and anticipatory grief related to caregiving and multiple family members experiencing chronic illnesses.
What actions or words from others have provided you with the most comfort during this time?
My therapist once said to me, "it feels like a lot because it is a lot". Sometimes just recognizing that there is a lot going on and not trying to fix it is the most helpful. I have also appreciated friends who found ways to show up without me asking like a good friend sending me a new card game to play with my sister during her chemotherapy infusions. Was there anything well-intentioned that ended up feeling unhelpful or even hurtful?
The phrase "it is God's timing" or "it is God's plan" has often been said to me which ends up more having the impact of me feeling angry and like I needed to change the hurt I felt to be more accepting of a plan for myself. In my work with clients, I have found that these messages can be powerful places of comfort but only when it is the way that the grieving person finds comfort, not a message put on them from others.
How do you wish people would approach you or your grief differently?
I wish that there was more acceptance around it being okay to not always feel okay. And also for it to be okay to feel okay, even when things are hard. Grief is a journey with a lot of up and downs and people often have expectations on how it should look, either wanting to fix it and make it better or being surprised on days that feel good. It is helpful when people are able to hold space for the balance that I am both okay and not okay at the same time and that itself is, in fact, okay.
What have you found yourself needing more or less of from those around you?
I have noticed that people tend to show up initially - right after a diagnosis or a death. But overtime, they often seem to disappear and forget that grief doesn't end right at the initial event, and sometimes it actually feels harder with a bit more time. I wish that people might remember that grief doesn't just go away and it can be nice to check in on how things are going or how I am doing, beyond just the initial crisis period.
What insight would you share with someone who wants to support a grieving person but isn’t sure how?
It is always better to do something than do nothing. And it matters less what you do and more that you show up. So think of something that you would be willing to do that could help the person you love (pick up groceries, send a card, volunteer to do laundry) and do that specific thing. It shows that you care and takes the burden off of your loved one having to think of what they need.
The Most Helpful Thing We Can Do for a Grieving Friend
Personal Perspective: Helping a grieving friend starts with showing up.
I like to think of myself as a problem-solver. Come to me with your job confusion, relationship issues, and everyday overwhelm, and I’ll help you come up with a strategy to fix things.
I suppose it’s somewhat selfish. Finding solutions comes naturally to me, and there’s a gratification that comes with helping someone tangibly.
When my sister was diagnosed with stage-four lung cancer, I set about trying to fix it. I assured her we’d find a clinical trial or an exotic herb that could cure her. If we needed to, we’d traverse the Brazilian rainforests ourselves and discover a medicinal miracle.
When she came to me in her fear and despair, I tried to fix that, too. I cheer-led. I found people who had beat the dire odds. I made promises I had no right to make, assuring her we’d grow old together.
Then one day, ever the wise older sister, she said something I’ll never forget. “Jess, please don’t try to solve this. I just need you to be with me in the sadness.”
And there it was. So simple and yet so difficult.
Don’t just do something, sit there.
When someone we care about is grieving, the most meaningful thing we can do is to simply be present. For many of us, that can feel wildly uncomfortable, and that’s okay. Grief is uncomfortable.
Whether the grief is conventional “hallmark-card” grief we experience when a person dies, ambiguous grief, anticipatory grief, or any other flavor of grief, being with our person without expectations or judgment is a profound way to show that we care.
Sure, there are tactical ways we can help. Buy our friend groceries. Mow their lawn. Take their toddler out for ice cream. But showing up over time and sitting with them in the sadness has a far different impact.
Why?
Chances are our friend feels isolated.
Our presence reminds them they’re not alone. Don’t worry if you don’t know the perfect thing to say. Most of the time, there is no perfect thing to say. Instead, be there to listen, and take cues from the griever.
If they want to talk about their person, let them. If they want to laugh and talk about anything other than their loss, be there for that, too.
Our job isn’t to cheer them up, it’s to bear witness to their experience.
Remember, sometimes there really are no words.
We might want to fill the silence with well-meaning sentiments, but chances are they’ll come across as pablum. When nothing we can say will make it better, saying nothing at all may help. In traditional Judaism, for example, the custom is to sit silently in the presence of the mourner until they initiate conversation. If this feels too strange. A simple “I’m so sorry” may help.
Silence is a virtue. Being quiet validates how our friend may be feeling, which is “yes, it actually is that bad.”
The “over time” part in “showing up over time and sitting in the sadness” is a critical part of the equation.
After the crowds have dissipated and the lasagnas have freezer burn, our friend still needs us, maybe even more than they did at the outset.
Grief is a sneaky shape-shifter. It changes form, but it doesn’t go away. Being there for our friend in week two, month two, and even year two is the best way to offer comfort. Showing up doesn’t come with an expiration date.
On an episode of the “Smartless” podcast, the author Michael Lewis shared that when his daughter was killed in a car crash, his friend Dave Eggers came to Michael’s house and told him he’d remain on his front porch with food all day. He didn’t drop a fruit basket and take off. He didn’t say, “Let me know if there’s anything I can do,” which puts the onus on the griever. He showed up, and he stayed. Michaels reaction? He says it was a “heroic act.”
The easy thing is to tell ourselves that our friend wants space, that we shouldn’t impose in their darkest hour. We might be worried we’ll say the wrong thing, remind them of their loss, or even think their sadness will rub off on us. All those concerns are about us, not about our friend. Truly being present is selfless, and yes, it’s heroic.
“Our job isn’t to cheer them up, it’s to bear witness to their experience.”
Bio: Jessica Fein is the author of Breath Taking: A Memoir of Family, Dreams, and Broken Genes and the host of the "I Don't Know How You Do It” podcast, which highlights individuals whose lives seem unimaginable. Her writing has been featured in The New York Times, Newsweek, The Boston Globe, HuffPost, and more. Jessica also contributes to Psychology Today, where she shares insights through her blog. She is a relentless warrior in memory of her dynamic daughter, whom she lost to a rare disease in 2022. Jessica’s work reflects hope and humor, grit and grace—the tools of her personal survival kit. To learn more, visit www.jessicafeinstories.com
Christina Watkins on Grief,andHealing, the Power of Love
In this Fall edition of Chasing Clarity Magazine, we explore the deeply personal journey of grief through the eyes of WESH 2 News anchor Christina Watkins. Christina opens up about the profound impact of losing her older sister, Ti any, to an unexpected medical event. As we uncover the layers of her story, themes of resilience, love, and the healing process emerge, o ering readers insight into the complexities of grief and mental health.
A Sister’s Bond: A Legacy of Love and Inspiration
Christina’s bond with her sister, Ti any, was more than just familial—it was one of admiration, love, and shared experiences. Born just two years apart, Christina fondly recalls Ti any's brilliance as a classical pianist and athlete. Their childhood was lled with moments where Christina looked up to her sister, seeking to emulate her every move. "I idolized her," Christina said, re ecting on Ti any's talents and the way she carried herself. "She had a spirit that was so magnetic."
As Ti any entered her teenage years and was later diagnosed with bipolar schizophrenia and acute psychosis, their family learned to navigate uncharted territory. Though Ti any’s illness brought about changes, Christina continued to cherish the love and connection they shared. "No matter what, she was always my sister. Her brilliance never faded, even when things got hard."
Christina emphasized the importance of acknowledging the person behind the illness, highlighting Ti any's courage in the face of her struggles. “I’ve always loved and admired Ti any for her strength,” she said, emphasizing that her sister’s mental health challenges did not de ne her. Instead, Ti any remained a source of inspiration and love in Christina’s life, reinforcing the deep sibling bond that endured despite the circumstances.
The Weight of Ambiguous Grief:
A Di erent Kind of Loss
One of the most profound realizations for Christina was the experience of grief long before Ti any passed. This type of grief, often referred to as ambiguous grief, occurs when a person is still physically present but fundamentally changed. For Christina, it wasn't about losing Ti any as a person—it was about reconciling the changes in their relationship while still loving her for who she was.
“I didn’t realize that I had been grieving for a long time,” Christina shared. "It wasn’t about what was lost, but about what was di erent. I missed certain things about our dynamic, but the love I had for her never changed."
Ambiguous grief, as Christina came to understand, is about holding space for both the sorrow and the love that continues to grow despite di cult circumstances "Even when things were tough, I knew that our connection was still there. That’s what got me through—the fact that she was still my sister, and we still had moments of joy together."
Christina explained that learning to accept these changes helped her move forward with compassion for herself and her sister. It gave her the perspective to honor Ti any’s spirit, even as their journey shifted in unexpected ways.
Love That Persists Through the Pain
Despite the challenges, love remained the constant thread holding Christina and her family together. “I always told her I loved her, no matter what,” Christina recalled, believing this steadfast support gave Ti any comfort during her toughest moments. Even in her darkest times, Christina continued to remind Ti any of her worth, knowing her sister's struggles were beyond her control.
Their connection was palpable, even in Ti any’s nal days. Christina remembers being at work in New Orleans when she received the devastating news that Ti any had passed suddenly due to a blood clot at the age of 31. "I couldn’t process it at rst—it felt unreal," Christina said.
Yet, in the midst of this loss, there was a small solace. Ti any had been watching a live stream of Christina’s news segment just before she passed, a testament to the pride and love she always had for her little sister. "That moment brought me comfort—knowing she was thinking of me in her nal moments," Christina said through tears.
Grief, Growth, and Love in New Forms
Losing a sibling is an incredibly personal and often overlooked form of grief. "Society doesn’t always prepare you for losing someone like your sibling, someone who has shared so many moments that de ne who you are," Christina re ected. She explained that Ti any's mental health struggles had made her anticipate a di erent kind of loss, but when Ti any passed suddenly from an embolism, it still took her by surprise.
In the days leading up to her passing, Ti any’s behavior seemed like a subtle farewell—reaching out to family, allowing photos to be taken, and spending more time with loved ones. “It felt like she knew something we didn’t,” Christina shared, noting how Ti any, who usually shied away from pictures, had allowed the family to take a beautiful photo of her just days before. “She was glowing, almost like she wanted to leave a lasting image of peace.”
Turning Pain Into Purpose
In the early days of her grief, Christina wrestled with feelings of regret and guilt, but over time, she found a way to channel her pain into something meaningful. "I knew I couldn’t change what happened, but I could honor Ti any’s memory by using my experience to help others," she said.
Through her faith and personal growth, Christina transformed her grief into “good grief,” as she calls it—a way to keep Ti any’s legacy alive by advocating for mental health and supporting others facing similar challenges. "Mental health doesn’t discriminate," Christina emphasized, a message that Ti any herself had always wanted to spread.
Christina and her family have since established a scholarship in Ti any's memory, supporting students living with mental illness or those pursuing careers in mental health—a tangible way to turn tragedy into purpose.
Helping Others Grieve
For those supporting a grieving loved one, Christina o ers one crucial piece of advice: show up. "Grief is incredibly isolating, even when you’re surrounded by people who care," she said. "The most important thing anyone can do is just be present." Simple acts, like a text or spending time together, were invaluable during her healing process.
Christina emphasized the importance of patience, reminding others that grief takes time. "Don't stop checking in. Even if it’s been months, it helps to know people are thinking of you."
She also advised that people give space when needed but never disappear. "Grief is a process that comes in waves," she said. "Sometimes you just need time, but it doesn’t mean you don’t appreciate the support."
"No matter what, she was always my sister. Her brilliance never faded, even when things got hard."
The Healing Power of Love
As Christina re ected on her journey, she acknowledged that grief is an expression of love. “Grief is just love that doesn’t have a place to go,” she shared, resonating with the idea that losing someone doesn’t mean losing the love you shared. Over time, Christina learned to carry Ti any’s love in new ways, feeling her sister’s presence in the small decisions and moments that matter most.
“Grief is learning to love your loved one in a new way,” her husband reminded her during the early stages of her loss—a sentiment Christina now lives by. Whether it’s choosing a wedding dress or navigating life’s ups and downs, Christina continues to honor Ti any’s memory through her choices.
Grief Is a Process of Transformation
As Christina re ected on how grief has transformed her, she spoke of the ways it has strengthened her commitment to living a life of purpose. Her journey with grief has reshaped her, deepening her resolve to carry Ti any’s legacy forward while living a life that honors their bond.
Christina's story serves as a reminder that while grief is painful, it is also an expression of love. In learning to live without those we've lost, we also learn to carry their legacy forward, keeping them alive in our hearts and in the ways we move through the world.
Her powerful message to readers is that even in the darkest moments, there is light. Through her story, Christina inspires others to honor their loved ones and nd healing in their own grief journey.
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