Issue 2
CHAPTER 11 Don’t Shirk the Pelican
Spring, 2014
Hunter Introduces New Community Word By Rachel Stern, Staff Writer On Wednesday, the Hunter administration announced the community word for the upcoming school year. Ms. Denture, the Community Chair, explained the new choice: “We chose the word ‘octopus’ because we felt that it truly represents the community that we want to emulate. Octopi stick together…and uh, even though they are solitary creatures, they stick together. And, uh…I need to talk to the science department…” Mr. Toothache, a history teacher, could barely express his excitement for the new word. “The octopus was used as a symbol of hope during the post Civil War Reconstruction period for those men who fought tirelessly for freedom. They adopted the eight arms as a metaphor for the freedoms they sought past the two arms they already had.” At this point, Mr. Toothache’s stacks of handouts fell out of his arms and spilled all over the floor. “Looks like I could use a few extra arms myself,,” he said, chuckling. Community Day activities are set to include ‘Pin the Arm on the Octopus,’ an interpretive dance performance by the Brooklyn Octopus Dance Troupe (2 people. 4 arms. 4 legs. A world of Octo-magic™!), and an Octopus Pamplona in the Foyer, $1 admission. One eighth grader summed up the excitement in a few words. “I mean respect was a cool word, but ‘octopus’? Talk about school being cool! I’m so octo-cited!”
Chapter 11 Files for Chapter 11 By Ceci Silberstein, Managing Editor After three prosperous centuries of publication, Chapter 11 regrets to inform its readers that it recently filed for bankruptcy. The Pierogies and Tacos Association (PTA), which has been funding Chapter 11 for the greater part of its existence, expressed their deep disappointment in its recent newsletter. “We had high hopes for this year’s editors. That is why we are so shocked to discover that they have been misusing funds throughout their tenure.” The Chapter 11 editors, Caroline Yang, Ceci Silberstein, and Lucas Katz were not available to comment on the PTA’s allegations, as they were too busy squandering their bonuses in South America. A number of teachers expressed surprise at the recent revelations. One anonymous teacher who probably doesn’t exist told Chapter 11 that “Caroline, Ceci, and Lucas are upstanding citizens who could not possibly be responsible for the wrongdoings they committed.” Another teacher reported that “Caroline, Ceci, and Lucas are certainly students.” Long story short, come to our bake sale if you want a third issue.
New Mob Research Study Shows It’s Hard to Walk Knees See page: Your Mudda
Man Eats 658 Pancakes and Dies, Family to Sue Restaurant See page: 658
After Eons of Dedicated Service, Devil To Step Down, Retire To Florida See Page: 666
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School Teacher Dies on “Downton Abbey” — Superpac Money Implicated By Noah Amsel, Staff Writer The past year has seen a series of scandalous corruption charges, from former governor of Virginia Bob McDonnell to speaker of the New York State Assembly Shelly Silver. Now, a new name may join the list—Julian Fellowes, creator of Downton Abbey. Fans of PBS’s acclaimed period drama were saddened and shocked by the sudden death of Sarah Bunting, one of the show’s most beloved characters. Bunting, a schoolteacher in the 1920’s British town where the show is set, died of pneumonia in last Sunday’s episode. “She will be sorely missed, both on and off screen,” Fellowes said, at a press conference. However, suspicions have begun to circulate that the writing in of Bunting’s death may have had ulterior motives. PBS is non-profit, relying on millions of dollars in donations from corporations and private citizens. “Sarah Bunting’s death is just another example of the dangers posed by too much money in the public sphere,” wrote Arthur Benson, an expert in political financing. “The super rich are using their wealth and influence to pick the outcomes they want in Congress, in the State Legislatures, and most worryingly, in Downton Abbey,” he continued. “Sarah Bunting spoke out against Lord Crawley’s abuses, and the 1% dealt with her.” Fellowes categorically denied the charges, calling donors like NoPlebPAC and the British East India Company “just good folks trying to make a difference by supporting public television. When, say the National Rifle Association calls me up and offers
us $9 million in funding, there is no tacit understanding that in the next season, I will have Lord Crawley use a Colt Revolver to single-handedly thwart a band of 30 hooded thugs from burglarizing the estate, all while whistling ‘Battle Hymn of the Republic.’ For anyone to suggest otherwise is slanderous.” The accusations have caused viewers to rethink certain puzzling events from the show’s fiveseason history. “I always had this funny feeling about that scene where Carson the butler runs into Lord Gillingham on the street and they wind up discussing Halliburton’s excellent culture of corporate accountability and its exciting new ventures in Syrian oilfields, but I could never figure out why,” confided one longtime fan. “Now I wonder: ‘Is there some connection to PBS’s corporate donors? But what?’” Some viewers have begun to worry that other PBS programs may have succumbed to donors’ wishes as well. Last week’s edition of NOVA, a show about science, caused concern by asserting that exposure radioactive waste may reduce wrinkles. When asked for comment, Fellowes told reporters that the press conference was over. “Let’s all just forget about these ridiculous accusations and go home. Oh, and be sure to tune in for tomorrow’s all new episode of Sesame Street, in which Cookie Monster sings about being arrested for vagrancy and sent to a chain gang because he’s a moocher on society!”
Hunter Admins Invert American Flag in Nod to House of Cards By Caroline Yang, Editor in Chief The Hunter community was shocked last week to find that the American flag in front of the school had been turned upside down overnight. When angry parents demanded answers from the administration, they were rebuffed by Principal Skinner, who only chuckled as he commented, “Principal of an elite independent school, and not a single vote cast in my name. Democracy is overrated.” The administration’s newly appointed press secretary released a statement the same day informing students and their families that the school would now be funneling PTA money previously
allocated to fund P.E. classes and much-needed structural renovation back to the Main Office to help pay for the security detail Principal Skinner has recently hired. The incident as a whole was reminiscent of the period when Skinner had bar carts complete with ice buckets and hard liquor placed in every classroom to be used at the faculty’s leisure, while he was on his Mad Men kick. We asked freshman Nebuchadnezzar Anderson what he thought of the recent incidents: “I just hope Skinner never discovers Breaking Bad.
Special thanks to the PTA for the generous grant
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Trendspotting: Oliver Twist Chic By Caroline Yang, Editor in Chief The past year has seen a veritable whirlwind of new trends ranging from health goth to Cutester, so for this issue, the fashionistas at Chapter 11 set out to find the very best. The winner by no small margin combined nostalgia for London in the era of cholera and debtors’ prisons with innovative new silhouettes and textiles. This is your guide to Oliver Twist Chic. Styled by Caroline Yang, modeled by Henry Lifshits.
Get Henry’s Winter Look!
Get Henry’s Summer Look
Special thanks to the PTA for the generous grant
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2553 Shades of Grey: Review By Ceci Silberstein, Managing Editor Sony Pictures seriously stumbled with their latest production, 2553 Shades of Grey. The film, which opened this past Valentine’s Day, was based on a little-known Twilight fan-fiction by E. L. James-Gosling, a Silicon Valley-based stay-at-home mom. Fans of the novel will be disappointed, as fans of the book usually are. However what truly makes this film unique is that it has managed to offend nearly all of its viewers. Sony executives claim that this quality adds to the film’s appeal and mystique; Chapter 11 disagrees. 2553 Shades of Grey follows the tale of a romance between a young male chemist and his beautiful female research assistant. Feminists will object to the obvious and cliche sexism in the portrayal of gender roles. Scientists will object to
the improper scientific terminology: it’s “ionic bonding,” not “ionic bondage.” Also, really? “Electron arousal”? Computer scientists may be conflicted as some will say there are only 2553 - 2 shades of gray, seeing as R0, B0, G0 is black and R255, B255, and G255 is white. The small audience that did enjoy the film mainly consisted of comatose hospital patients and George RR Martin. Furthermore, when moviegoers realized that the film was an extravagant product placement ad for Lenscrafters, most decided it was in bad taste. (The infamous tagline “Mr. Grey will see you now” turned out to be more about bifocals than alpha male allure.) In all, 2553 Shades of Grey has failed to satisfy this viewer’s singular tastes.
Plot Revealed: Uniqlo Actually Cooking Humans with Heat Tech Technology By Lucas Katz, Layout Editor
In a recent series of events, a villainous plot involving Japanese cannibals, cooked innards and winter jackets was exposed in one of the biggest scandals of the 21st century. In an investigation headed by the GCCF (Global Cannibal Crackdown
Force), it was discovered that the global conglomerate and highly popular Japanese clothing store, Uniqlo, was actually a front for something severely sinister. Uniqlo had recently released a new line of clothing focused around their revolutionary heat technology, which manages to trap heat within the clothing, warming its wearer--warming its wearer to such an extent, that he or she will be slowly cooked. The head inspector of the GCCF had this to say, “When Uniqlo released their heat tech clothing line we were instantly suspicious. It seemed too good to be true, and as it turns out, it was. With further investigation, we actually discovered that the company was being headed by a sinister board of Japanese cannibals seeking to turn the entire world’s population into their own personal buffet.” That being said, the heat tech clothing is very fashionable and so cheap that it may just be worth it to wear.
Special thanks to the PTA for the generous grant
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Conspiracy Theories With Romy Negrin Disney Conspiracy Theory In my underground bunker, I don’t have a lot of room for non-necessities. Mostly I collect Sweeney Todd memorabilia. But I do have a soft spot for Disney animated films, and I end up binge watching, and then binge over-analyzing such films. Recently, it has come to my attention that a vast majority of the films are about monarchs: kings, queens, and their handsome sons who decide that it is their prerogative to marry whomever they so desire. What does that say about Disney? Well, I have reached the obvious conclusion: Disney has been weaving monarchist ideals into their innocent tales to corrupt the next generation of American voters and thereby start a revolution of youngsters looking to overthrow the Democratic Republic and install a monarchy. Now, you may be thinking: that’s not proof, all the Disney princess movies are based on fairy tales (or you may be thinking about your dinner date tomorrow with your former best friend called Perkins with whom you are having a reunion; I have no way of knowing). But there are plenty of fairy tales that don’t end up with the main character realizing that it is her destiny to rule over a country simply because she married the man who decided that it is his destiny to rule the country simply because his father did, and because his grandfather did, and so on. What about Hansel and Gretel? Or Little Red Riding Hood? Or some other classic fairy
tale that may not involve children getting lost and almost eaten in the middle of a forest? Or why doesn’t Disney exercise any creativity and come up with its own plot just once? Because it knew that the only way to feed children monarchist malarkey was to remind the parents that these were literary classics, so it doesn’t matter what the messages are. Of course this prompts the question: The Walt Disney Company was founded in 1923. It’s been around for almost 92 years. Why hasn’t it succeeded yet? Well, obviously it’s been trying. And, also obviously, this is a longterm plan. And, now that Disney has its own television channel, it can broadcast regularly how happy princesses and princes are with their nonsensical government (I don’t actually have cable in my bunker, so I don’t know many specifics, but I do have an underground network that keeps me informed about all sorts of media). With its new programs like Sofia the First, and its self-esteem campaigns about how “every girl is a princess,” it’s no wonder that every girl doesn’t just claim herself ruler of everything. Sadly, Walt Disney did not live long enough to swoop in and take over the country. But that does not mean that his company has given up yet. If you want my advice, good people of America, you’d better emigrate now before there’s a law forbidding you to do so.
Special thanks to the PTA for the generous grant
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6 Train Slowly Becoming One With Hunter Students By Gabriel Silva Collins, Staff Writer Recent studies of NYC subways in anticipation of the upcoming 2nd Ave. train have shed new light on the much-used 6 line. Social scientists have discovered that between 7-8 AM and 2-4 PM, students from Hunter College High School on 94th and Park Ave. make up 96.3% of all commuters on the 6 train between the Lexington Ave. /59th St. and 96th St. stations. The combined weight of all students was found to approach 1,068,000 lbs. When the weight of their backpacks was included, total weight neared 2,310,000 pounds, which is the equivalent of stacking three more subway cars on top of the train. Another study found that Hunter students take up 98.5% of available volume for sitting, standing, or even crouching in a fetal position in each subway car. The astonishing amount of space which Hunter students were able to take advantage of was found to be a result of complex hierarchical and size-based economy of position. Utilizing their smaller sizes, 7th and 8th grade students were found to occupy the lower understory of 6-train subway space. The taller canopy of 9th through 11th grade students was observed using the space above younger children’s heads by raising their arms and sometimes even leaning directly over 7th graders. Finally, an emergent layer of seniors and select
juniors towered over the rest, and occupied the precious top level of empty space in each subway car. Perhaps the most interesting analysis looked at the concentration of Hunter students in the two subway cars that end up right next to the stairway of the 96th street station, where all students exit the train. In these cars, children occupied a percentage of available volume that exceeded the scientists’ instruments’ measuring precision. Alan Harding, lead scientist of this project, wrote to Chapter 11: “The amount of space which Hunter students occupy in these cars is more than astonishing: it goes past our current scientific knowledge of efficient storage and density. We discovered that there was literally no room for a single new hydrogen atom to enter the train in these two cars after the 77th St. station. However, students who claim to ‘take the express to 86th and then switch because we want free breakfast’ are inexplicably able to force themselves onto these subway cars. Their ability to do so must necessarily involve a level of quantum particle entanglement that will greatly advance theoretical and experimental physics if it can be understood in the future, which may very well not be the case”
Special thanks to the PTA for the generous grant
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Q and A with The Man, The Mystery, Mr. Young Interviewed by Lucas Katz, Layout Editor Q: If you could physically destroy one thing at Hunter, what would it be? A: Apathy Q: What’s your favorite deli meat? A: Ham Q: Hall or Oates? A: If I could have some oatmeal in a hallway, I’d be perfectly happy with that. Q: If you could bestow the gift of speech upon one animal, what would it be? A: Well partly because it was my classes mascot, the Duck Billed Platypus, one of the few egg laying monotrines, I think would have a lot to tell us. Q: If you were the principal of Hunter, what would your first act as Principal be? A: It would probably be to give the Principal more power. Dr. Fisher is afraid to upset the faculty and all of his enemies but not me. I would rule with an iron fist. I’ve been reading Game of Thrones and I think I’m kind of like that dwarf guy. Q: If there was a cage match between Dr. Fisher and Abraham Lincoln to the death, who would win? A: You know, it’s a big hat versus a crazy tie. You got the strapping young Abraham Lincoln chopping wood but then you gotta look at the tie and say, I think Abe is going to be mesmerized and you know Dr. Fisher is gonna be prepared with some tie of Abe Lincoln eating Abe Lincoln and I think that’s really going to be the difference maker. Q: What is Satan’s last name? A: Butts.
Q: You’ve been pushed onto the dance floor and the DJ asks you what your song is, what do you say? A: I think any kind of old German Funeral Dirge. I would bust out the dance move, the corpse. You sway slowly and decompose. Q: What do you want written on your tombstone? A: The quadratic formula. Q: Who was your celebrity crush as a kid? A: Ms. Aboody. Q: And your crush now? A: Halfway between Ms. Aboody and Benedict Cumberbatch. Q: If you could be the best player at any sport, what would it be? A: Well my sister calls all sports with a ball, Sport Ball, but for me it would have to be darts. Q: What would your ideal death be? A: A quick vaporization. Fumbling with a laser, I nearly revolutionized the world of science but instead vaporized myself and my ashes formed the quadratic equation. Q: If you could change your name to anything, what would it be? A: Butts. Just butts. Q: If you could have any superpower what would it be? A: I really think the power of math is one of the most important in the world. Q: If you could replace one subject at school with more math, what subject would you remove? A: Obviously everyone would agree that science is a waste of our time. Those three physics teachers could be making all of that stuff up. When you enter that science lab, you’re just watching a show, you don’t know what’s going on. If people stopped learning science, I think we’d start getting things done. Q: What would you like to say to all your fans out there? A: Do your goddamn homework.
Q: What is the gender of corn on the cob? A: I would have to say corn gender. Special thanks to the PTA for the generous grant
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Hundreds of Clubs Perish with the Coming of Second Semester By Ceci Silberstein, Managing Editor New York -- Students returned to school after intersession break to find that an alarming number of extracurricular clubs had not survived the bitter cold. Activities period on February 2nd, 2015 brought with it great confusion among lower termers. Freshman Layla Pearl told Chapter 11 that she was shocked to discover that the GSA (Gargoyle Statue Appreciation) and HAAH (Hungry Adolescents Against Hipsters) had not made it through the winter. Helen E. MacGorti, a senior and a member of both clubs, seemed far less surprised. When pressed further, MacGorti told Chapter 11 not to worry and to “Fuhgettaboutit.”
Other clubs found to be missing or deceased include ACS (Advocates of Comic Sans), AACS (AArdvarks Conquering Spain), JCAC (Jello Cubes After Class), SAYA (Sound Amplification and Yodeling Awareness), Model Discorded Nations, and Debate. Chapter 11 has found no sufficient explanation for why these perfectly legitimate and well-regarded clubs have simultaneously died or dropped off the face of the earth. And this senior is far too lazy to investigate any further.
Come To Farmington University! Our campus is situated on 300 acres of rolling concrete, gravel and cement! We offer multiple study abroad programs o Your parents house o That Pizza Place down the block o People’s Democratic Republic of North Korea 3-1 Student to Solo Cup Ratio Farmington is proud to name Alexander Hamilton and Daniel Webster among its long list of distinguished almost applicants. In 1817, Farmington became the first American university. Most popular major: Barista Studies Over 7,00 crenellations on campus Athletics – GO TAPE WORMS!! o Spitting o Quidditch o The Hunger Games o Tiddywinks Bathrooms!!
Special thanks to the PTA for the generous grant
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Hall Monitor Log By Caroline Yang, Editor in Chief
Monday 12:34pm – Administrator arrested for eating in the hallway, was forced to give herself detention. Monday 1:19pm – After an acquaintance failed to follow through on an odds-are bargain, Dane Clap made a citizens arrest later to be determined fallacious. The matter is now being settled on Judge Judy. Tuesday 10:19am – Matt Shaw was ticketed for dangerous operation of a rolly backpack. Tuesday 3:20pm – Spring arrested for being a tease. Wednesday 11:38pm – Months long undercover sting culminated in a full scale bust of the Mahjong Club in Room 324 for the operation of an underground betting ring. Wednesday 5:45pm – Boo Radley was escorted to the exit by officers after he was found squatting in B46. Thursday 8:45am – Officers arrived at the scene of a heinous art heist that had occurred the night before. Not a single clay bowl was left in the elementary school display case. Damages are estimated at priceless. Thursday 3:05pm – Officers were called to the Track Hallway by local residents complaining of a distinct “dead body odor.” Turned out to just be core workout. Friday 9:21am – Athletics Director arrested for breaking the Law of Conservation of Matter after disappearing into thin air. Friday 2:20pm – Seventh grader arrested, tried, and sentenced to life imprisonment without chance of parole for playing games in the computer lab. Let that be a lesson to you.
CLASSIFIEDS By Romy Negrin, Lucas Katz, Ceci Silberstein, Caroline Yang,
Special thanks to the PTA for the generous grant
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ADVICE FROM THE SLIGHTLY QUALIFIED – The Editors
Special thanks to the PTA for the generous grant
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1) My spouse and I have been happily married for seven years. Now that we are in seventh grade, we have grown apart. Is there any hope for our marriage? -Anonymous Ifrit 2) I’m afraid people only like me for my ties, what should I do? -Not the principal. 3) Sometimes when I’m alone and I think nobody’s watching I dig a hole in the ground and pretend that I am a carrot. -Vladimir Putin 4) I just want some sausages, help? -pescavegantarian438 5) I think I’m in love with a mop, and I think it’s cheating on me. What should I do? 6) I forgot my Netflix password. Do you know what it is? Also, where are my keys? -Ceci Silberstein 7) I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately and I’ve been wondering what the point of all of this is. This thing we call “life.” We trod along on our predetermined paths, misery engulfing even those fleeting moments of happiness, and for what? What’s there to live for?
1) Modern science tells us that sandbox, elementary school marriages typically have a lifespan of 4.8 years. After that, a brutal combination of hormones and college stress inhibits the production of the chemicals, which allow us to love. 2) Maybe start wearing funky belts or cufflinks. That will detract from the attention on the tie and really create a more diverse and complete outfit. 3) If I had a dollar for every person I met who didn’t secretly do that, I’d have three dollars. You’re a normal chap and seem very nice. Please don’t kill me. 4) Ground up the entrails of vanquished enemies are generally delicious. 5) First of all, look for the telltale signs of a two-timing mop. Your mop might be using a new kind of cleaning agent, wearing its hair in a new style, or taking long trips away from the cupboard. Is your mop silent or moody? Does your mop seem satisfied in bed? 6) It’s “password.” 40.7127° N, 74.0059° W 7) Cheez-its and Doge Memes.
Special thanks to the PTA for the generous grant
12 Caroline Yang – Editor-in-Chief Lucas Katz – Layout Editor Gabriel Silva Collins – Staff Writer Rachel Stern – Staff Writer
Aquarius: Jan. 20 - Feb. 18 You will find great fortune soon. Wait, wait… Nope, never mind. Pisces: Feb. 19 - Mar. 20 Have confidence in your ability to fail. Aries: Mar. 21 - Apr. 19 Try not to be as much of a moron as you were last month. Taurus: Apr. 20 - May 20 I would tell you your fortune, but that would be like spoilers for your life. And everyone hates spoilers, right? Gemini: May 21 - Jun. 20 You will meet someone tall and dark. Not necessarily human, just tall and dark.
Ceci Silberstein – Managing Editor Romy Negrin – Staff Writer Noah Amsel – Staff Writer Elijah Parsons - Clairvoyant
Virgo: Aug. 23 - Sept. 22 IT’S RIGHT BEHIND YOU Libra: Sept. 23 - Oct. 22 Hide your kids, hide your wife. Scorpio: Oct. 23 - Nov. 21 If you find a million dollars, you’ll without a doubt find a million more. Sagittarius: Nov. 22 - Dec. 21 Remember, Snapple fact #43: Chumbawumba is the greatest band in history. Capricorn: Dec. 22 - Jan. 19 If you’re on outdoor track, look forward to a month of misery.
Cancer: Jun. 21 - Jul. 22 I’d recommend you get a blood test soon. Your sister might be your mother.
Leo: Jul. 23 - Aug. 22 Invest in an ample set of voodoo dolls. They’ll come in handy this month. Special thanks to the PTA for the generous grant