Chapter 11 Issue 3 The “Goodbye” Issue Spring 2016
Key Club Replaces Chocolate Bars with Pot Brownies
by Abigail Hunt, Staff Writer
In a new move announced on Wednesday, Key Club will be replacing their much-loved chocolate bars with pot brownies. The notice, posted in a cipher on the bulletin board outside the writing center, will go into effect at the beginning of next year. Instead of their classic blue boxes, featuring gingham wrapped flavors such as Mint, Crispy, and Raspberry, the club will be using a more natural, eco-friendly recipe for their baked goods. “We feel like, I dunno man, it’ll make the world a happier place, you know?” said a club member when reached for comment. “It’s going towards making people happy, you know? And then we can use the money to get more. It’s just a big circle of happy!” He then proceeded to fall off the chair. How will this new marketing strategy alter the effectiveness of the fundraising? How will the pot affect the school as a whole? At press time, the club has released no official answer to these questions, instead saying that the student body needed to “chill out, man, because “nothing really matters, anyway.”
Local Dog Realizes He’s Barking Up The Wrong Tree see page 13
5 Reasons Why I Hate Lucas Katz and You Should Too
by Emma Farrell, Staff Writer
1. He stole Tammuz Frankel’s rightful spot on Boys Varsity Basketball simply based on seniority. Not cool! 2. The Hawaiian backpack is so 2006.
DJ Khaled Starts Major Key Club They don’t want you to read this
3. I can’t walk around the Upper West Side without running into him. Those once peaceful blocks are now tainted with both gum stains and his presence. 4. He treats this stupid newspaper like it’s The Observer or something (come to think of it, Chapter 11 actually comes out more often. How weird is that?) 5. He’s going to Swarthmore but he’s unfortunately very Swarth-less. Local Baby Mauls Gorilla see section Z00 Special Thanks to the PTA for their Generous Grant
AACS Show Stopped For “Random Search”
by Macklemore, Contributing Visionary
The Board of the African American Cultural Society was finally released from police custody today after spending three months locked up based on charges of “suspicious activity” during their annual cultural show. The show opened with a dance number featuring Lucas Katz, Caleb Yellin Flaherty, Robert Berk, Arty Lowenstein and Emmet Smith which went on without incident and received raucous applause. The show took a dark turn when Robby Feffer, president of the club, approached the microphone to read a poem. When he reached into his jacket pocket for a copy of his poem, he was immediately tackled and handcuffed on stage by seventeen off duty policemen, who appeared from the rafters and underneath the stage. A spokesperson for the police department later clarified that this was absolutely a “random search” and that the officers just happened to “be in the area when they heard about a potentially informational and well thoughtout show.” When asked about the incident Police Chief Wilson Frisk had the following to say: “Race has nothing to do with the unfortunate events of this afternoon. My own third cousin is half black. Well, he was adopted, but…”
Feffer and fellow Board members were released after the chargers were dropped and the item in question, “I Don’t Have A Gun,” was determined not to be a firearm. Also after 27 cavity searches, no contraband was located. Hillary Clinton was quick to denounce the “outrageous” treatment of the AACS board and has already pledged to read the new Black Panther comic “within my first 100 days in office.” Ms. Clinton has also offered to take part in next year’s AACS show, where she will give a solo performance of “Lemonade.” However, a video of Clinton speaking at the Eastern European Club in 1990’s has recently surfaced in which she says, “Wow, the AACS show was awful, I’d rather have been in class. Destiny’s Child is the least talented group I’ve seen since the Temptations.” At a press conference following the board members release, Wilson Frisk issued the following statement. “Race and the law do not intersect, they’re like oil and water, or rap music and my children, except for Macklemore’s “Thrift Shop,” I love that song. That’s some clean rap. We arrest white criminals all the time, John Wayne Gacy, Ted Bundy, George Zimmer-- well… You get my point though right?”
7th Grader Who Faked Age, Research Still Wins ISEF
by Lily Goldberg, Layout Editor
Timothy Smoot, a 7th Grader in Dr. Levine’s Life Science Class, wasn’t expecting a call from Intel on that fateful Monday. He was in the computer lab, playing his third consecutive hour of Slither.io, when his flip phone rang. Thinking it was his mother, Timothy rebelliously ignored it. But when the message announced that he’d won a prestigious blue ribbon in Intel’s International Science and Engineering Fair, Timothy picked up immediately. “It was like my 12.75 years of bullshitting had finally paid off!” Timothy squealed. Although Timothy had told Intel he was 17 years of age, the voice cracks in his recorded interview with Chapter 11 Staff Reporters betrayed him. Not only has Timothy never touched a female before, but he has never touched a piece of lab equipment either, despite winning $10,000 in scholarship
money for his “contributions to science.” When asked about his experiment, Timothy shrugged. “I made up a bunch of fancy sounding acids with Greek letters in them and then wrote a paper on how they could be used as pesticides.” It was a strange coincidence that Timmy’s made-up research, entered as a prank on his irritating Life Science teacher, actually made advancements in the field of science. The judges called it “Revolutionary” and “A Stroke of Scientific Genius” “It’s like Bad Luck Brian, but I’m Good Luck Brian!” Timothy proceeded to choke on air for the next 10 seconds, before snorting the word “memes” and breaking into laughter again. Kudos, Timmy!
Special Thanks to the PTA for their Generous Grant
7th Grade Tableau Group Tensions Point to Civil War
by Emma Farrell, Staff Writer
This Tuesday, the tension in room 215 was palpable as the seventh grade class entered their CT class to put the finishing touches on their tableaus before their Friday performances. The cause of the tension can be traced to the group tasked with showing the four seasons in four dynamic tableaus. Tommy Xu, Shelly Chen, Rebecca Rosenbloom, and Aleksa Abramovich sat down Thursday for another tense day of deliberations. The fighting has reportedly led to yelling, dramatic classroom exits, and rolly backpack on foot violence. Although much of the conflict is directly related to how to incorporate levels into the Fall scene, outside influences are also at fault. It is common knowledge that Shelly Chen was not invited to Rebecca Rosenbloom’s Bat Mitzvah, who went to Aleksa Abramovich’s Bat Mitzvah, but didn’t even bring a gift. The drama is well known among the grade, and the fighting seems to only get worse as the group work continues. Chen has now allegedly made eight offhanded comments about Bat Mitzvahs, leading to eight awkward follow up jokes from Alexa about how Bat Mitzvahs are hard to plan, but the gifts make it worth it. Rebecca has now snapped back several times, and is reportedly on the verge of DM’ing Alexa that she should “grow up and get over it”. Chapter 11 was able to interview Rebecca exclusively about the crisis. “Honestly, I talked to Cindy who talked to Jane who has the locker next to Shelly, and she said Shelly’s not even mad, she just
likes drama. I don’t have time for this! I have a seminar paper due in 3 weeks!” Although this may seem like normal 7th grade drama, the violence has already begun. Shelly reportedly “accidentally” ran over Rebecca’s foot with her rolly backpack. Chen declined an interview, but Aleksa states that “Shelly definitely did it on purpose. She already hates Rebecca because of the Bat Mitzvah, but now she is mad because Rebecca insists on being the flowers in the spring scene. Typical Rebecca. She could come to your Bat Mitzvah and eat cupcakes with your face on them, and still find a way to make it about her.” Rebecca is now preparing her side of the possible impending conflict, and was allegedly seen organizing her plans of attack with her friends in Red Mango. Shelly was spotted in the computer lab, researching missile-based upgrades to her current Jansport rolling backpack. Although Aleksa has yet to formally declare her allegiance in the possible civil war, she says that she’s going to keep one eye open during the official class “7 Up” games. Tommy Xu, the singular boy group, was reportedly just sitting in the back of the classroom during the conflict. He was somehow completely unaware that the rest of the group had moved outside to fight and rehearse.
Student Taking a Crap During Fire Drill Makes Fateful Judgement Call by Poo P. Buttehol, Contributing Writer It all began as a regular bowel movement, but doesn’t it always? Ninth grader Frances McCrutty left his Biology class at approximately 10:42 AM to “take the Browns to the Superbowl.” He waddled his way down the hallway and into the 2nd floor bathroom, room 201. As he prepared to make landfall on the golden throne, he developed tingling worrisome sensation. Was this the right thing to do? In his own words, Mr. McCrutty had never “released the hounds” at school before. The seat was cold at first but like Moses, he was able to part the Red Sea and lead his people to the promised land. It was this exact moment of clarity, focus, and serenity that a piercing ring woke McCrutty from his reverie. The fire alarm had gone off, announcing the third fire drill of that week.
“I thought about dropping it all,” McCrutty said gravely. “In a real fire, would I worry more about the burning of my school, or of my anus?” McCrutty decided on the latter, and spent the next five minutes devising a toilet paper glove thick enough to prevent his feces from touching his finger. “Now I know why they all complain about the one-ply,” McCrutty smirked knowingly. “But I never felt so much freedom as in that moment, knowing I was the only one in the bathroom, entire school!” McCrutty’s solitude was brief -- precisely two minutes after his “detonation,” a Calculus teacher walked into the 2nd floor bathroom, leaving McCrutty entrapped in the stall until the fire drill ended.
Special Thanks to the PTA for their Generous Grant
by Eva Johnson, Resident Bad Bitch
HOW TO BE A BAD BITCH
In 2016, being a Bad Bitch became synonymous with female empowerment. In the interest of making this coveted status accessible to everyone, Chapter 11 interviewed several self-identified BB’s. What does it mean to be a bad bitch? “If you can’t kill and butcher an average sized-to-large adult male while preserving all the features of the respiratory and digestive systems, you just aren’t a bad bitch.” ~Karen Smith, High School sophomore from Darien, Connecticut What is the biggest misconception about bad bitches? “People think being a bad bitch means being one of those girls who gets called a ‘shorty’ or a ‘jawn’ in music videos, or has thousands of followers on Instagram. I think that really reflects the crushing reality of sexism in our society. Women aren’t being recognized as the bloodsucking, raw liver-gobbling, batshit crazy goddesses that we really are—and it’s not ok. We should be validated as complete humans, in all our cannibalistic, murderous glory.” ~Jane Sherman, Professor of Sociology and Gender Studies at Cooch Cooch Skadoosh University. “Hillary Clinton is NOT a bad bitch. I don’t care if she’s the first woman to get this close to being Prime Minister or whatever. All these people are moaning that she’s cold and unrelatable, that her frozen smile is not nearly as kawaii as Bernie Sanders’ hair, yaddayadda. Other people are tight because of her ties to Wall Street. I say, so what? She’s never bitten off Bill Clinton’s toes—I’ve checked online, all ten are still perfectly intact. In fact, all of his skin is completely uninterrupted by surface wounds or gashes of any sort.” ~Leighton Meester, Lifestyle coach/Freelancer/Interior decorator in the Bay Area What frustrates you? “It’s kind of sad, because so much of mainstream society finds the most basic actions revolutionary. How can people applaud such mediocre, meaningless actions? Whenever one of my friends has respectful and mutually satisfying sex everyone’s like, yes, you bad bitch, you! I mean, great. You managed to overcome a culture of misogyny and reclaim your sexuality from the wrinkled talons of old white men. Bravo. You know what would really impress me? If you grew a pair and ravenously gorged on the soggy flesh of your oppressors.” ~Sabrina Fuentes, kindergarten teacher at a K-8 public school in the Bronx “I’m just so tired of being forced to educate people on what it means to be a BB. All my male friends couldn’t seem to wrap their little heads around the concept, and I knew they’d be hopeless as allies. So I ate them.” ~Jill King, Yoga instructor and Citizen of the World What message do you BB’s have for the general woman-identified population? “Bad Bitches don’t give an EFF about the wage gap, genital mutilation, sexual harassment. Those are yesterday’s feminist issues. Man up, chow down, and join the revolution!” ~Rachel Clark, model at EBay.com, native of Earth
Special Thanks to the PTA for their Generous Grant
10 Ways To Be a Bad Bitch Without Getting a Phone Call Home
by Maria Molloy, Baddie-In-Training
1. Eat in the hallway. Not being able to go out with your friends because Ms. Siegmann caught you and gave you lunch detention is a great way to show everyone you don’t care about the rules. 2. Copy the homework (buy Work on iTunes) from someone. With fellow bad gal, Rihanna, on your side, you might not even have it checked or collected. 3. Cut off the bottom of your spirit day shirt. Show everyone you don’t give an f by refusing to conform to societal fashion standards. 4. Be reckless during chem lab. You’ll be a real badass when you have to strip down and wash off in the safety shower while one of your classmates watches. 5. Take a stroll on the senior steps. Yeah, the seniors may yell at you and hate you forever, but the administration will respect your courage and you’ll have an immediate in with #1 Bad Bitch Lisa. 6. Submit your June Project in May. Even though, your teacher will be impressed by your initiative and work ethic, you’ll still be breaking the rules. 7. Go to the bathroom in Mr. Butts’s class. Sure he’ll give you a tardy on your report card, but you’ll leave everyone wondering whether you don’t care about being on time like a real bad bitch or you just have a small bladder. 8.Watch Parks And Recreation instead of writing your Chapter 11 article. I’m a real bad bitch and that’s what I’m doing right now. 9. Cut Theater Practicum class one day. Even though it’s not a real class, you sure will be a baddie if you do this one. You won’t get a phone call home, but Ms. Sturiano might kill you and leave your body in the props closet. 10. Burn the school down. If it all goes down in flames, there won’t be any phones left to use to call your parents with. Pwned.
Special Thanks to the PTA for their Generous Grant
Administration Unequipped to Handle Student Who Requested “Slithering” as his Gym Elective
by Brendan Sullivan, Staff Writer
In the latest in a string of course selection catastrophes, the Hunter administration and Physical Education department are scratching their heads over one sophomore who chose “slithering” as his gym elective. The student actually put it in every single one of the six gym slots as well as the three excess gym slots on the form. “This puts us in a pretty bad situation” said a representative from the gym department, whose name is probably Ray. “The first problem is that we have no idea where to have the class. Normally, we’d just throw it in B46 and schedule the class at absurd times, but this year it’s all full. We tried having it as an OCC at the Central Park Zoo, but then 47 people tried to sign up the next day. The prevailing opinion in the department is that we should hold it in the loser hallway to teach this kid a lesson. But apparently the Board of Education called that “cruel and unusual,” so now I’m just not sure.” “Another problem is that we have no one qualified or even willing to teach the class. We’re just gonna make one of the Rays do it though. They’re having a cage fight next Thursday and the loser has to teach the class. You should stop by, we’ll be giving out I Bleed Purple t-shirts, although between you and me I doubt that’s what color their blood will be when they start throwing chairs at each other. Ha!” The student in question was not available for comment, although rumor has it he was recently seen in Champ, swallowing whole iced coffees, cups included, without chewing. He has also been seen hunched over, playing slither.io in the computer lab. “Course selection is a stressful time for all of us” said the student’s counselor. “Sometimes the flimsy threads attaching us to our humanity can stretch and snap, and that’s okay.”
Police Issue Manhunt After Waldo Missing for Four Days by Caleb Yellins-Flaherty, Chief Staff Writer Despite the help of hundreds of thousands of elementary school children crowded around and flipping through “Where’s Waldo?” books, Waldo (or sometimes known as Wally) hasn’t been found for four whole days. Martin Handford, Waldo’s father, or creator, or whatever one may call this relationship, released a statement to the missing Waldo or Waldo’s kidnappers saying, “My precious Wallybear, please come back. Please be return into the light where we can see you, or just make yourself a little easier to be spotted. It’s seriously never taken this long before.” The red-and-white striped shirt and beany wearing community has been praying for this lost child to return, or for whoever took Waldo to return him back to his absolutely fire-hazardous ridiculous herds of people on a beach, a carnival, a cake factory, or some renaissance fair. Police Commissioner Edwards stated in an interview, “Well sometimes he is just damn hard to find. The little smirked-faced bastard goes missing and it’s
irritating but he always turns up somewhere.”Give us twelve more 3rd graders on this manhunt crowded around one book on a table and I bet we’ll get him. Although Waldo’s safety is a top-priority, this case begs the question; does Waldo want to be found? It has to be somewhat infuriating for Waldo to always be called out wherever he goes. Maybe Wally is just trying to check out some hotties on a beach and the public just keeps blowing up his spot? It’s worth considering. When Waldo is brought safely back into our lives, we may jump with joy, but let’s not forget Waldo is a person, a person with desires. So next time we see him taking a stroll in the crowd of hundreds of people, just calmly and quietly point. Don’t yell and slam your finger on his face. Think about Waldo. What would Waldo want? Yep. Exactly. Waldo would want the hotties on the beach.
Special Thanks to the PTA for their Generous Grant
Is Rafael Cruz Danny Phantom?
by Romy Negrin, Our Favorite Eighth Grader
Ah, Ted Cruz, champion of stealing women’s rights and promoting gun violence. No, Ted, put the gun down, put the gun down! Okay, okay. Let me start over. Ah, Ted Cruz, restoring family values and helping us get back our second amendment rights. Ted is the champion of the glorious conservative cause, and it isn’t surprising why. Ted’s father, Rafael Cruz, sure raised him right, and that’s not even Rafael’s biggest claim to fame.
Rafael Cruz is one of the biggest supporters of the deseparation of Church and State, and his logic is so sound it’s not even funny. See, he said that when Thomas Jefferson said that there should be a wall between the church and the state, that he really meant it to be a “one way wall”. First of all, what even is a one way wall? How would that work? Basically, what he’s saying is the people on one side of the wall, the State, are stuck there, like you would be when you’re on one side of a wall. However, the folks on the other side of the wall, the Church, can hop around from one side to another whenever they please, meaning they can do whatever they want with the State. Now, I don’t know many people who can go through walls, except for legendary half-ghost Danny Fenton, also known as Danny Phantom. So, the question is, does Rafael Cruz think he is Danny Phantom? Or, more importantly, is Rafael Cruz Danny Phantom?
TRAVELOGUE: A Trip to the Fourth Floor Loser Hallway
by Leander Cohen and Lily Goldberg, Staff Writers
Last month, I travelled to the fourth floor Loser Hallway, one of the most beautiful places at Hunter, if not anywhere. The details of my trip might shock you, amaze you, but this place is truly unforgettable. 7:56 AM: When I arrived at this scenic locale, I immediately tripped over the parked rolly backpack of a snivelly faced seventh grader who had set up a tent outside of her first period classroom. When I asked how long she’d been there, she emerged from the tent and mumbled “Six o’clock.” Wow! 9:16 AM: More breathtaking views! An eighth grader playing slither.io outside of the computer lab is cursing with language the likes of which haven’t been heard in Hunter halls, ever. 11:27 AM: Disaster has struck! While eating a light lunch of Famiglia pizza (a specialty of the region) with the locals, a wispy haired math teacher detained my host. In terror, I cast my paper plate down the hallway where it was promptly devoured by a group of rabid juniors. When the juniors were swept away by the janitor, I salvaged a tray of spilt Halal cart fries and ketchup. 1:09 PM: I need a way out of here. There is a senior banging her head against an open locker and shrieking. There’s a mouse -- maybe the smell of paint is making me hallucinate 1:10 PM: The mouse bit me. Not hallucinating. When I finally left that afternoon, I realized this place wasn’t a throwaway trip -- it brought in a new chapter of my life. Secluded from the bustling, main hallways of Hunter, each crumpled Latin homework is more beautiful than the last. In just one day in this awe-inspiring alcove I discovered that visiting the Loser Hallway more than just a travel experience – it is a lifestyle. Be sure to book your tickets to this paradise. Honeymoons, vacations, or just takingsome time to get away from the stress of city life, this incredible strip of hallway is just one social-suicide away. Special Thanks to the PTA for their Generous Grant
Precocious Student’s History Filibuster Halts Progress of Class
by Lucas Katz and Noah Amsel, Best Friends Forever
A 10th grade history class has ground to a halt due to an apparent filibuster by student Alexa Dumm. Witnesses report that the filibuster began during a discussion of the War of 1812. Although Mr. Petterson had planned to call on slacker and all-around miscreant Ari Garrety to explain how the war begun, after staring at him encouragingly, discovered that the answer was beyond his comprehension. Petterson was left with little choice but to give the floor to Ms. Dumm, whose hand had shot up before he finished the question. “Everyone in the class held their breath,” whispered student Jackie Fiiiiinestein from her desk. “What could we do but try to wait it out?” One student, having recently finished the Odyssey, attempted to seal his ears with wax before the siren-song began, but before he could— “I think that, to a large degree the origins of the war can really be traced all the way back to the Triassic Era.” Ms. Dumm proceeded to explicate her theory of the war’s relationship to such phenomena as the Cult of Dionysis, Converse sneakers, and 9/11. The class was dumbfounded. Several students began nodding vigorously to Alexa’s statements in an effort to obtain second-hand class participation points. After several minutes, they appeared to enter a hypnotic state from which they may never return. With Mr. Petterson unable to get a word in, Alexa forged on. One brave student took to Twitter to share the horror unfolding before him with the families and friends who victims waiting outside. 8:12 Hahaha Alexa blaming T-Rex for Tea Party! Lolz 8:17 Wow. Alexa’s been talking for almost 10 minutes… 8:25 Update: Al Johnson has eaten his entire stock of Key Club candybars and has gone into hibernation. When will it end? 8:46 Please send help. Not lolz! Not lolz! 9:02 Can’t tell if Mr. Petterson is still praying or has just lost his marbles. 9:36 Simon Ma organized a synchronized fart to try to distract Alexa. She was unfazed. 10:02 Run out of water. Rations are dangerously low. We may have to resort to desperate measures. 10:44 R.I.P. Brian Hockney. You were a great friend, and a better bolognese. You live on...in all of us. As Chapter 11 went to press, Dumm had appeared to conclude her answer, only to say, “actually now that I think about the similarities between the war and the death of Superman in Captain America, Civil War…”
Dr. Fisher Proudly Comes to School Wearing Bowtie, Seen Leaving School In Tears by Abby Hunt, Staff Writer In a controversial move to announce the community value for next year, “tolerance,” Dr. Fisher shed his usual tie and decided to show his acceptance of the bowtie community by donning a small, neon orange monstrosity. After sideways looks on his way to work, he reported “feeling anxious” about his choice of attire as he walked into room 240. 4 minutes later, the principal ran out, eyes red, and rushed to the faculty bathroom. He was later seen leaving the school building amid snickers, laughs, gasps, and jeers of the security guards, escorted out by the entire Art department. “He’s a tie kind of guy,” said one senior who, although wishing to remain anonymous, slammed her fist on a desk in anger. “I feel like him coming to school in that... that... anyway, it’s a betrayal of the trust that I, and other students, have in him. It’s like, he’s an entirely different person.” However, the lower grades in general seemed to appreciate his decision. “It’s nice to know that even as an adult, your identity is always fluid,” said Sydney Nomed, an eighth grader. “You can always change your choices, no matter how set they seem.” The teachers of the art department, however, were concerned with an entirely different matter. “It’s an aesthetic issue,” said Mr. Sangermano when reached for a comment. “That bowtie was an insult to our eyes. There is a fine balance between freedom of expression and censorship to protect people, and unfortunately, that bowtie crossed it.” Special Thanks to the PTA for their Generous Grant
Special Thanks to the PTA for their Generous Grant
Lucas Katz – Editor-in-Chief Noah Amsel– Managing Editor Lily Goldberg – Layout Editor Adrian Amador – Website Editor
Phillip Barrish– Website Editor Romy Negrin – Staff Writer Caleb Yellins-Flaherty– Staff Writer Maria Molloy – Staff Writer Emma Farrell – Staff Writer Ben Katz– Staff Writer Eva Johnson - Staff Writer Leander Cohen– Staff Writer James Soren – Staff Writer Abby Hunt -- Staff Writer Aaron Wolf -- Staff Writer Brendan Sullivan -- Staff Writer Calla Selicious – Clairvoyant Ben Rosenn - Clairvoyant
Aries: Mar. 21 - Apr. 19: The fates think you should know -- Your dabs may be ironic to you, but no one else can tell.
Virgo: Aug. 23 - Sept. 22 You may have made your Spotify listening private, but the stars can still see it. Heads up -- they like PILLOWTALK too!
Taurus: Apr. 20 - May 20 Your interest in the latest Martin Shkreli scandal is understandable, as he continues to live stream from jail. Prepare to be disgusted as he scrawls flirty messages to the juvenile in the cell across the hall.
Libra: Sept. 23 - Oct. 22 Someone saying they’d “roll away with you like a potato into the sunset” on Afterschool does not count as a “flirtationship”
Gemini: May 21 - Jun. 20: This month is prime time for you to take a trip. Wander into a never before entered room in the school, hoping it’s Hunter’s Room of Requirement. Leave immediately realizing it’s the cafeteria. Cancer: Jun. 21 - Jul. 22 Your inability to let go of Falafel Express will cause anger and a lack of trust in permanency, tearing apart your closest friendships. Leo: Jul. 23 - Aug. 22 It’s time to forgive your friend for what he did during King of the Courtyard.
Scorpio: Oct. 23 - Nov. 21 It’s time to stop being a vegan, because MILK’S BACK ON THE MENU BOYS! Sagittarius: Nov. 22 - Dec. 21 As the weather gets warmer, your sick burns will be almost as bad as your sunburns. Capricorn: Dec. 22 - Jan. 19 Look left! → you failed. Aquarius: Jan. 20 - Feb. 18 Turning in a blank page for your museum project impresses the MoMA, but not Ms. Reifer. Pisces: Feb. 19 - Mar. 20 You learn far too late that Organic Chemistry isn’t a class about your love of Whole Foods.
Shoutout to our graduating seniors -- Editor-in-Chief Lucas Katz, Website Editors Adrian Amador and Phillip Barrish, Managing Editor Noah Amsel, and all Senior Staff Writers. Chapter 11 Will Miss You (Stay Funny In College) Special Thanks to the PTA for their Generous Grant