The Campus Magazine: The Crampus

Ov e r a W e e k of Service t o CCN Y & T h e Harlem Communi ty

Ap r i l 2 0 1 7

In & Out

Where She Stood

Fahrenheit NAC

Admin Building Gets an Upgrade

First Lady Trump to Speak at City

Bookstore Turning Into Strip Club

In This Issue

Magazine Staff Editor-in-Chief Curtis Ashley Managing Editor Anthony Viola Content Editors Armoni Boone, Christian Hernandez, Aurora Soriano, & Anthony Viola Copy Editors Janice D’Gracia & Aurora Soriano

End of Semester Transparency Administration Releases all Final Exam Answers

9

–– Art Director Carmen Quang Illustrator Alexandria Naase Business Manager / Social media Manager Ebony Anderson-Brown Faculty Advisor Linda Villarosa

Advertise with Us

News

Features

Up the Block, Down the Street (4) What’s Happening at CCNY? (5) CCNY Secedes From CUNY (8) End of Semester Transparency (9) Farewell Bookstore (13)

Revolving Doors (6-7) Pomp & Circumstance (10-11)

Lifestyle

Back on Track (14) Magical World of CUNY AC (15)

Sports

Everything’s Fixed! (12)

Editor’s Note Life at The City College of New York has never been better. In the 170 years this school has been open, students have never felt as privileged as they do when they walk the mazelike halls today. From state-of-the-art science buildings that students on campus cannot access, to the packed-to-the-brim classrooms, City College finds itself, as it always has been, in peak condition.

Contact Us North Academic Center 1/119 CCNYCampusnews@gmail.com CCNYCampus.org

The Campus @CCNYCampus @CCNYCampus 2 THE CRAMPUS / APRIL 2017

As the rest of the world crumbles from the mounting pressure of climate change, Beyoncé’s pregnancy, and a third world war, City College continues to thrive. More and more people arrive at CCNY to witness our men’s basketball team, known for once being a powerhouse in the nation. They come to see Shepard Hall, the only building people take pictures of, and the steady influx of guest speakers, a number larger than those hired to fix the escalators and elevators on campus.

It’s times like this that should make students ever-thankful of their stay at CCNY. We should all praise the founders of this institution for having created the place we all have come to love so much. And that love is given back, with endless homework, projects, emails, Blackboard notifications, scandals, and leaking ceilings. For The Crampus magazine (not to be confused with The Campus magazine), this issue is how we keep the love juices flowing. Now in unison, exclaim: ALL HAIL CITY.

The Towers AT THE CITY COLLEGE OF NEW YORK

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LIVING Fully furnished suites, all utilities included.

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CONVENIENCE 24-hour Courtesy desk and security.

On-site print kiosk. Print from room and pick up at kiosk.

Minutes away from class.

The Towers is an official stop on the CCNY shuttle bus.

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401 West 130th Street | New York, NY 10027 | Tel. 917.507.0070 | Fax. 917.507.0019

Up the block, Down the street N ews from a s close as Harlem, and as far as the Hi malayas

By Curtis Ashley

Harlem, New York

Midtown, New York

Golden, Colorado

N e w m ayonna i s e s h op to o pe n up on A ms te rda m

Ma n Pr e t e nd ing t o be S t ud e nt A r r e s t e d at Jo hn Jay

Co l o r a d o man to sm oke t hr e e - day lon g j oin t

THE SEARCH FOR THE BEST selection of mayo has never been shorter, and the destination has never been closer. 37-year old Nicholas Midwood, a Harlem resident for over 20 years, decided to set up shop in what he calls, “my real home.” For Midwood, the new store is a combination of everything he loves. “I love mayo. The taste, the texture, everything about it. I also love Harlem.

This has been my home for as long as I can remember, and I’m glad I can give something tasty back to the people.” ‘Cinco de Mayo’, Midwood’s tentative name for the business, will be located on Amsterdam between 141 and 142 Street. He plans to have the store open by July, with a tasting of each of his signature mayonnaise. “I’m so happy this is happening, and I hope I can have this feeling again if I expand. Brooklyn sounds nice for a second store.”

THINGS GOT A LITTLE WEIRD at John Jay College of Criminal Justice on Thursday, March 30, when a man was caught on campus pretending to be a student at the school. The confusion started at around 11am in between classes. That’s when an unnamed man allegedly walked into a classroom within the New Building. He simply sat down and started taking notes. Jasmine Tattle, a student in the class, was the one who initially reported him. “I saw an older man, had to be at least 40-years old, sitting in the class. I’d never seen him before, so I immediately stepped outside and found the nearest security guard,” Tattle said. The man reportedly remained in the class for the entire duration, until security escorted him out the room. According to a school official, the man said he was “observing the class”, though there was never any mention of this to the professor. He was taken to Midtown North Precinct at around 1pm.

ON APRIL 20, A MAN FROM Golden, Colorado claims he will begin smoking a blunt filled with marijuana, and will end on April 22. Tyler Stokely, 23-year old sales associate at a local thrift shop, says the feat is one he is “certain it has never been done before.” April 20, commonly referred to as ‘4/20’ by marijuana smokers, is the official-unofficial National Weed Day. April 22, this year, will be Earth Day. Stokely claims smoking this joint, beginning on that Thursday and ending on Saturday, is the perfect way to connect the two days.

“They’re both pretty significant. They’re both about going green, if you get what I mean,” he said to a local publication, The Golden Paper. “I even got the days off from work. That’s pretty dope, ‘cause April 21 is national drug-test day, and I think I’ll be too high to want to test other drugs.”

4 THE CRAMPUS / APRIL 2017

What’s Happening at CCNY?

T e ach Yo ur s e l f : CCNY D it che s Pr o f e s s o r s f o r S e l f - L e a r ning

By David Marulanda

A Ut op i a n L e a rni ng E xp e ri e n c e

By Kathleen Toussaint LAST MONTH, EXECUTIVE officials at CCNY implemented a new order–– students’ final grades would now be based on their class attendance.

“This new rule would not only improve class attendance, but also allow students to learn without the stress of written assignments and exams,”said CUNY officials in a press release.

As a result, students can now attend class with their pillows and will be allotted 10-minute power nap sessions to better retain information. Relaxing music as well as food and beverages will also be available upon request–– all to accommodate students’ learning needs.

A 100% attendance record guarantees a solid A. Shawn Smith, Sociology major, describes his excitement: “I can’t believe all I have to do is show up.”

While most students excel in showing up for attendance, not all students have been doing as well. Ashley Fin, English major, said, “I can’t help but cry myself to sleep some nights just thinking about climbing the hill at 145st. I can’t do this every day.” Fin has since received tutoring for not attending class and an aid is sent to escort her to class when she feels the most helpless.

Although this rule is perceived as lax and unconventional to the traditional learning methods, it has proven to be an effective way for the classroom to provide an “utopian experience”.

Students look forward to learning the new and interesting class material in a calm and relaxing environment only increases their dopamine levels and attention span.

Olivia Paterson, Psychology major, describes how this rule has changed her life: “I’m just happier and have a new willingness to search for knowledge. I’m truly inspired–– learning doesn’t have to be boring.”

A WAV E O F F U T U R I S M A N D technological advances is hitting CUNY. As a result, the City College of New York plans to automate classes in time for the 20172018 school year.

Associate Director Nicole Euler of the mathematics department said, “students will teach themselves during scheduled class time.”

Students and professors are enthusiastic about the move. Benjamin Ender, a longtime professor of organic chemistry, believes “more knowledge will now fall into the laps of students. They’ll learn much better once they are teaching themselves as compared to when I was doing it.”

Javier Melendez, a junior, agreed: “I taught myself most of the material the last few years anyway. Now I can save time by doing it in class instead.”

However, not everyone is pleased.

Librarians and nearby café owners are among the disgruntled. A business owner, who requested anonymity, believed that the move is bad for business.

“Students come here with black circles under their eyes and a lifeless look in their eyes, fiending for caffeine and food. If they actually learn in their classes they won’t spend that extra time studying and teaching themselves at home late at night. I don’t like it. I thought City College was about the community.”

Some students also don’t like the idea.

Josephine Chen, a freshman, is one of them.

“What do you mean I have to teach myself? I thought that’s what the professors were for,” she said. “ I went to class and everyone was there with their textbooks out, taking notes and working silently. I sat there waiting for the professor. It was horrible.”

Cit y D it che s Hy d r at io n f o r Ca f f e inat io n

By Curtis Ashley THE CITY COLLEGE OF NEW York will replace hydration stations in the NAC and Marshak buildings with

caffeination stations by Spring 2018. The switch comes as a result of long lines at both Academia in the NAC and Starbucks in Marshak.

“Our students are tired, and we see it on a daily basis. Not only when they’re sitting all the way in the back of those big lecture halls with their heads down, but also when they’re standing like zombies on line for coffee,” said Chemistry Professor Ken Globack. “I think these quick outlets for coffee are a great idea..”

Undergraduate Student Government received a lot of requests from students.

Sofar Chowder, USG President, said, “It was starting to be annoying, so we went ahead and requested it. I guess people higher up loved the idea because we got approved really quick.”

Complaints about the installation came from the athletics department. Chad Davis, a junior on the men’s volleyball team, said, “I think a Gatorade fountain would have been a lot better, like they have at Florida.”

R e t ina l S can n ers Co ming Soon

By David Marulanda AT T H E C I T Y C O L L E G E O F New York, CUNY’s plans to replace ID cards with retinal scanners are moving into its next stage. Implementation starts April 2017; the results will determine if other CUNY schools will also make the switch.

The upgrade is an effort to streamline the ID verification process while maintaining the top-flight layer of security found only at CCNY. Students must report to the BioSecurity Office (the former ID Card Office) to have an eye scanned. B.S. Office President Ronald Goldstein said, “CUNY is always looking out for all its members. The security guards are no exception. Now they can do less and be just as important when they deny entrance to a student. It’s a win-win.”

Interim City College President Vincent Boudreau addressed the switch in a statement to faculty and staff. “Students have mentioned how cumbersome carrying ID cards and getting into the buildings was,” he said. “Every student must walk up to the scanner, place their face about an inch away, and stare at the laser–– no one can now get into City College without the proper eye-d.”

NEWS 5

s ta nd cle a r of the

r e volv i ng d oor s, P le a s e

6 THE CRAMPUS / APRIL 2017

THE INTERIM PRESIDENT AND I WANT T O I N C O R P O R AT E T H E I N C R E D I B L E WORK OF OUR STUDENTS IN AS M U C H S T U F F A S P O S S I B L E . I T ’ S W AY CHEAPER TOO. - Dee Dee Mozeleski

H i g h t u r n ove r p r omp ts i n sta ll ati on of n e w pa s s age ways

By Elihu Fleury ON APRIL 2, THE CITY College of New York held a grand reopening to celebrate the introduction of revolving doors at the Wille Administration Building.

The doors are expected to decrease congestion by 90%.

Many assume that the heavy foot traffic is due to the screaming students bolting from financial aid, the Bursar, and the Registrar.

However, the problem is much bigger: the amount of provosts, presidents, and program directors coming and going are causing traffic jams within the building.

The installation of revolving doors called on the salary-free work of student engineers, who designed customized versions of building entrances. Dee Dee Mozeleski, senior advisor to the interim president, commissioned the student-led project. “The interim president and I want to incorporate the incredible work of our students in as much stuff as possible,” she stated. “It’s way cheaper too.”

At a gala commemorating the concept,

Ex-Vice-Chancellor Frederick P. Schaffer proclaimed that CUNY Central needed the same thing when he resigned. Over 43 officials who also left their CCNY positions said likewise, along with congressmen visiting from Washington.

Over the last few years, a list of resignations occurred all throughout campus.

Last fall struck hardest, when the provost resigned, followed by the head of the 21st Century Foundation. The resignation of the president, Lisa Coico, burst the dam completely. A torrent of resignations followed in her wake, leaving many positions empty, including the Cook to the President, and the Cook to the Cook of the President.

One of the few administrators who stayed was Vice President of Student Affairs Juana Reina. “We were hoping the resignation bug would hit her too”, one student club leader said. “Maybe then we’d know where our money is buried.”

The interim replacements didn’t last long either, as the average term of employment went from being two weeks to two minutes.

Stand-ins were needed for previous replacements, and before long, they just accepted anybody who walked in.

This influx of traffic caused the doors to open and shut with increased speed and

intensity. Many were left unhinged, and the walls became damaged. Revolving doors were needed to keep the walls intact, and keep the building from collapsing.

The scars from the old doors are concealed, and the stories of some replacements now decorate the door panels, such as that of Maurice Corriendo, a one-day replacement in the 21st Century Foundation.

Corriendo was responsible for one of the original doors falling out of its frame. After entering his new office, he stumbled upon the article from The New York Times which explained the college’s current scandal.

Accounts vary widely as to what happened next, but they all agree on where he was found–– hiding in the empty Marshak Pool.

Upon hearing where Corriendo was found, Chief Financial Officer Oscar Arnaque exclaimed, “Wait, we have a pool?”

With the relatively stable last week of March, flow of traffic has slowed a bit. It’s hoped then that the doors will serve a more cosmetic purpose, instead of a practical one.

That hope will be tested shortly, when the NYT publishes another expected article about CCNY on April 26.

F E AT U R E 7

The City College of New York Secedes from CUNY

By David Marulanda Photo By Curtis Ashley O N M A R C H 3 1 , I N T H E L AT E night hours of the mild weathered night, City University of New York Chancellor James B. Milliken was awoken by his phone’s vibration. The untimely message was clear.

CUNY was now without its flagship campus; The City College of New York decided to leave the CUNY union.

Earlier that day, CCNY students voted to overthrow the school president, Vincent Boudreau, in favor of a student run government. The vote was planned in secret for weeks, and students were notified via Snapchat of the time and location.

8 THE CRAMPUS / APRIL 2017

The Undergraduate Student Government (USG) planned to overthrow the existing government if improvements were not made to a variety of issues. These included infrastructure problems, such as dilapidated bathrooms and leaking ceilings, and quality of life issues, specifically the lack of a football team and a Dunkin Donuts on campus. The newly formed government was to be run by a panel of seniors and their first decision was to secede from CUNY. Board member Robbie Evan Li told students, “The decision was made in order to ensure the CCNY community can improve its way of life.” Students support the cause.

“This is a great opportunity for us to show the world we’re more than just a CUNY school. We’re The City College of New York, you know,” said freshman Neville Neverson.

In a list of grievances compiled by the new leadership, it was clear that the student body felt CUNY had wronged them. The complaints included leaky ceilings, crowded classrooms, antiquated class resources, terrible climate control, and lack of a real Starbucks on campus. “There’s the café in the NAC and the fake one in Marshak that you can’t even use your Starbucks app to pay,” stated one unnamed objector. With

these irreconcilable differences, the new City College overseers took to Twitter to alert their fellow students and the world.

It was a tweet that awoke Chancellor Milliken that night. A tweet that read, “CCNY no longer CUNY member.

Poor man’s Harvard returns to the poor man. #freedomonfleek #independence #makinmoves #tacotuesday.” With 66,006 retweets by 9:01, one minute after the original tweet disturbed the sleeping chancellor, it was clear that the anti-CUNY sentiment resounded with more than just City College students.

This was followed by more tweets from other members of the governing body and members of the student body. “Benny the Beaver 2020,” and “F*** CUNYFirst,” were some of the most retweeted sentiments.

It is unclear at the moment if CUNY will mobilize its public safety department to reclaim its star college. Its other option would be to take a diplomatic approach, in order to ease tensions and seek a peaceful solution to the conflict. Chancellor Milliken has been known to take a hard stance against rebellions.

END OF SEMESTER TRANSPARENCY A dm i n is tr ati on l e a ks a n swer s to a l l f i na l e xa ms

By Christian Hernandez

Some students were left in disbelief by this course of action.

“I literally started studying for my Aero-Thermal-Fluids exam a year ago, now what?” asked Aham Ilton, a Mechanical Engineering student. “I wasted all that time for nothing. All of the missed dates, parties, opportunities, all gone. I don’t even know what to do anymore; I … guess I’m done with the semester.” Moments after walking away, Ilton stressed out and broke into tears

Photo By Curtis Ashley ON THE MORNING OF APRIL 1, City College students received a mass-email from the school’s administration. The email spoke about the new direction the college will take towards achieving full transparency with its students. Signed by Interim President Dr. Vincent G. Boudreau, what shocked students most was what came attached to the email –– the answers for all of the final exams of the Spring 2017 semester.

“As part of our efforts to be as transparent as possible regarding the campus, we’re releasing, on a fairly broad scale, information originally requested by students, who asked for info pertaining to finals,” Boudreau said in the email.

A S PA R T O F O U R EFFORTS TO BE AS T R A N S PA R E N T A S P O S S I B L E R E GA R D I N G THE CAMPUS, WE’RE RELEASING, ON A F A I R LY B R O A D S C A L E , I N F O R M AT I O N O R I G I N A L LY R E Q U E S T E D BY STUDENTS, WHO ASKED FOR INFO P E R TA I N I N G T O FINALS.

after realizing that he no longer had any reason to stress out in class.

Other students, however, celebrated the administration’s decision to leak the answers.

English major Joanna Mercer spent the day at Grill on The Hill commemorating the news with drinks and wings. “It is so lit right now,” she said, while signaling over to the bartender for another round of top-shelf Henny. “Nothing could go wrong. I can go the entire semester never showing up to class again and still ace the final. Only way this can go wrong is if I drop out, but that’ll never happen.”

When Interim President Boudreau was questioned in person about this data-dump, he stressed the importance of keeping the community informed, while at the same time sparking a conversation with the community: “[This list] has taken a great deal of effort and time... It will undoubtedly raise some questions, and may tempt some of you to file additional requests.” He urges students to engage in discussion with administration if questions do arise.

“The general release, and my commitment to an open policy with regard to this information are signs, and I truly hope you’ll acknowledge, that we’re changing.”

NEWS 9

FOR CENTURIES, THIS CITY HAS B E E N T H E G A T E W AY T O A M E R I C A FOR SO MANY STRIVING, HOPEFILLED IMMIGRANTS [...] FOUNDED O N T H E F U N D A M E N TA L T R U T H T H AT TA L E N T A N D A M B I T I O N KNOW NO DISTINCTIONS OF RACE, N A T I O N A L I T Y , W E A LT H , O R F A M E .

- Melania Trump, FLOTUS

10 THE CRAMPUS / APRIL 2017

P O M P & C IR C UM S TA N C E ( Y E T AGA IN ) M ela n ia t o fol l ow i n Mi chel l e’s footsteps once agai n

By Katie Herchenroeder

At City College’s 2016 Spring Commencement, the wise words of (the then) First Lady, Michelle Obama, dazzled graduates and families. In her last graduation address as First Lady, Obama spoke highly of CCNY and the inclusive legacy it represents. She told of her own journey in becoming a student at Princeton, and praised the commitment of all graduates, as well as encouraged the class of 2016 to reach high and pursue their every hope.

City College’s 2016 commencement received an exorbitant amount of positive press from major news organizations such as NBC, The New York Times, and the New York Daily News. With such an exceptional response, it seems as if the administration cannot top that ceremony. How could they dream of finding someone for 2017 to mimic Michelle’s beautifully spoken words? It’s inconceivable!

Think again.

The City College of New York has invited none other than First Lady Melania Trump to speak at this year’s Spring Commencement ceremony!

That’s right, you’ve heard it here first! In June, CCNY will have the pleasure of hearing (the third) Mrs. Trump speak to the graduating class of 2017.

This past election season, the world observed how fond Melania truly is of Michelle. So fond, she found Obama’s words to be of her

own creativity. At the Republican National Convention, Melania Trump’s speech was brought under attack for sharing similarities with Michelle Obama’s 2008 address to the Democratic National Convention. These similarities concerned only a few individuals across the nation. In their extremely biased opinion, they saw Melania using the same exact words in the same exact order of Michelle over and over again without giving her any credit whatsoever as a form of “plagiarism.”

For example, Michelle Obama noted in her 2008 speech that her and Barack were raised with the same values. She gave the example of working “hard for what you want in life; that your word is your bond and you do what you say you’re going to do; that you treat people with dignity and respect.”

Melania similarly noted in her 2016 RNC speech that “you work hard for what you want in life. That your word is your bond and you do what you say and keep your promise.

That you treat people with respect.”

The two women also seem to share a passion for children. Obama shared so many years ago how, “we [Barack and I] want our children — and all children in this nation — to know that the only limit to the height of your achievements is the reach of your dreams and your willingness to work for them.” Melania just so happened to have nearly identical aspirations, “we [Donald and I] want our children in this nation to know that the only limit to your achievements is the strength of your dreams and your willingness to work for them.”

Yet, who is the ‘mainstream media’ or

the ‘corrupt government’ to judge Melania Trump for the supposed similarities?

Trump’s campaign denied all accusations of fraud. They blamed the evil Hillary Clinton and her leftist cohorts for all bad media surrounding Melania’s “heartfelt and original speech.”

Although the choice to have Melania Trump speak at the 2017 commencement may seem boldly against the moral ideals of City College and its administration, do not fear. Due to her prior speech history, the address this year is expected to be inspired

by Mrs. Obama’s 2016 commencement address in both ethics and exact wordage.

In fact, CCNY hopes that Trump will be able to echo the theme of the past commencement, one of acceptance for all ethnicities, faiths, and walks of life. Only a slight contradiction to her husband’s opinion of the American creed.

If Mrs. Trump follows her tradition of “sharing” aspects of her speech with Mrs. Obama, expect to hear some of the following: First off of Melania’s tough beginnings, “[growing] up in a working class family in Chicago.” Then, of course, some wisdom on the current immigration rhetoric in our country, “for centuries, this city has been the gateway to America for so many striving, hope-filled immigrants [...] founded on the fundamental truth that talent and ambition know no distinctions of race, nationality, wealth, or fame.” Then lastly, you can predict Melania to acknowledge that this is most probably her “very last commencement address as First Lady of the United States.”

F E A T U R E 11

Everything’s fixed!

By Aurora Soriano Photo By Curtis Ashley

WHEN I USED T H E B AT H R O O M AFTER CLASS, I NOTED A FEW THINGS: ACTUAL T O I L E T PA P E R AND SOAP. 12 THE CRAMPUS / APRIL 2017

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! I started fumbling for my iPhone, desperately trying to silence my alarm. After a few quiet seconds pass, I forced myself to get ready for another day at CCNY. When I got to 125th Street, I was shocked to find that the shuttle was already there. As I got on, I saw there were enough seats for everyone. No one was standing in the aisle.

It was slightly out of the ordinary, but not entirely unheard of. Only upon entering the NAC was I truly shocked.

The escalators were working! Not a single one was broken. I didn’t know what to do with myself. For once, I didn’t have to use the escalator as a glorified metal stairway. I mentioned to someone nearby that it must be a miracle, but they looked unphased.

“It always works”, they said. That can’t be right. Normally, you could bet good money that at least two escalators would be down on any given day, and be right. Things were definitely starting to get weird, but I was appreciating my journey up to the sixth floor without sweating.

I walked into my classroom, and it felt like walking into a whole new school.

We don’t usually have smart boards in

most rooms, yet this room was furnished with a brand new one. “Why are there no mismatched desks and chairs on their last life? No weird stains on the floor? What is this place?” I timidly took a seat in one desk and found enough room to actually put all my belongings on it without them sliding into my lap like they usually do. Well, I suppose it was strange to have a wellstocked classroom, with a working board and markers provided, but I wasn’t going to complain. Also, no one else looked surprised, so I didn’t want to mention it and jinx it.

Maybe CCNY made an announcement that they were getting their shit together and I just missed it.

When I used the bathroom after class, I noted a few things: actual toilet paper and soap, no weird smells, and out of order toilets. This experience carried on throughout the day. Everything was clean and worked. It was a welcoming surprise, but a highly suspicious one. “What if they wanted to raise tuition to cover the cost of being a functioning school?” By the end of the day, I took it for what it was and simply appreciated what I had.

Beep! Beep! Beep!

I threw my arm out and fumble with my iPhone, desperate to silence my alarm. When I finally did, I had a vague recollection of a dream. Maybe something about working escalators in the NAC? No, it couldn’t have been. That would’ve been too much of a stretch of the imagination. Might as well get up and get ready for another day--another day at CCNY.

Farewell Bookstore He ll o ‘ T h e B e av e r Da m’

By Anthony Viola Photo By Curtis Ashley AFTER YEARS OF DIGRESSING profit margins, The City College of New York decided that the Spring 2017 semester will be the last for the CCNY Bookstore.

This is not referring to the Facebook page bearing a similar name, but the shop located near the main entrance of the North Academic Center.

In 2016, ex-President Lisa S. Coico and her administration found that the space could be used for a more profitable business.

The shock of it all is what kind of business the college is deciding to work with. The Crampus obtained information behind the top-secret, long-term contract meant to lift the college’s spirit and bank account.

“A gentleman’s club,” says Coico. Our reporters managed to track the ex-president down at her estate in the Hamptons. “Yes, I signed a contract with a management company known for developing and overseeing… gentleman’s clubs.”

We were under the impression that Coico was attempting to be comedic. After severe fact-checking and conclusive research, we discovered that what we thought was a prank was actually a confession.

“It’s the reason I resigned,” she states. “I didn’t steal any money. I like to work for my dough. That’s why I put in two hours of work a week to obtain $100,000 from CUNY.” According to Coico, the CUNY Chancellor James Milliken caught wind of the sham before it became too definite.

Although quite reluctant at first to dismiss the idea, Chancellor Milliken decided it would be “kinda” inappropriate to put a strip club on a college campus.

“So that was my downfall. Luckily for me, everyone was tricked into believing I embezzled money. I could have just stuck to the original story, but either way, I’d be in the same wretched place I am now… No job, lots of money, practically retired,” she

remarked, almost bragging.

We reached out to Milliken’s office for a comment, but they have refused to respond to the allegations.

The contract for the project stated that dancers must maintain the school’s image through their attire. In order to do so, highknee “CCNY” socks, purple stilettos, and Beaver-printed lanyards must be worn while inside the club. Written at the very bottom of the contract in purple ink was the name for this project-- ‘The Beaver Dam’.

Frantz Wechler, the project manager from ‘A Gentleman’s Industry’, the company Coico contracted to spearhead the endeavor, views the future association to be of prestige.

“You know how fancy-schmancy colleges have those clubs like the ‘Yale Club’ and all that. It’s kinda like that. Imagine it like that and it doesn’t sound so bad.”

Yet, it sounds pretty bad. Even worse: the college was already in the process of transitioning the space from the current book store into the up-and-coming stripper joint.

When reporters visited the loading docks of the NAC, they not only found the uniforms being shipped in pallets, but the equipment as well, including poles, colorful lighting, and JBL speakers.

Left uncertain is whether the college is still moving forward with this plan.

According to Wechler, he hasn’t heard any instruction to stop development. “Look, I have a contract,” was all he had left to say on the matter.

HIGH-KNEE “CCNY” SOCKS, PURPLE STILETTOS, AND B E AV E R - P R I N T E D L A N YA R D S M U S T BE WORN WHILE INSIDE THE CLUB.

N E W S 13

Back on Track C i ty C ol l e g e F ind s Ne w At hl e t ic D ir e ct o r

By Curtis Ashley

AFTER A FULL SEMESTER without an athletic director, The City College of New York has made a decision.

In March, Interim AD Karen George released a statement discussing leadership within athletics. According to this statement, starting August, Dr. Bobby Mellondoor will relieve her of her responsibilities and serve as the school’s new director of athletics.

“Due to my pregnancy, I am unable to fulfill my duties as athletic director of this institution,” said George. “It would be a huge mistake on my part to leave the position to someone unqualified or to continue neglecting it myself.”

“I don’t know where this guy came from.

I haven’t heard anything about him,” Jimmy Angle had to say. Angle is the school’s Assistant Director of Athletics and Marketing and Promotions, as well as head coach of the women’s basketball team. With George pregnant and nearly inactive, Angle picked up most of the slack. “I’m a little surprised I didn’t get the position myself. I’m pretty qualified, and as far as I know, everyone in the program loves me.”

Mellendoor officially becomes AD in August, but news of his arrival is already buzzing on Beaver Street. Students are 14 THE CRAMPUS / APRIL 2017

drawing red flags, noting there is something off about the soon-to-be AD. “I looked this guy up on Facebook and he looks a lot like Doc. I mean, he really looks like the guy, just without a mustache,” said Tony Capote, a senior on the baseball team.

“It could just be me, my eyesight isn’t the best.”

“I really hope the school did a background check this time. I don’t want to hear about another crazy scandal involving someone in athletics,” Tanya Hawkeye, a junior on the women’s volleyball team, said.

“His Facebook page just started last year, like around October. All his pics are from the neck up too. Super sus.”

The school found itself in a conundrum last August after news of former Athletic Director Dr. Kevin H. Abdul-Rahman’s sex-offender status reached those in charge at CCNY. A representative for the City College Search Committee was reluctant to provide any information regarding the selection of Mellondoor.

Mellondoor was also unavailable to meet for an interview, but he did address his upcoming job in a Facebook post. “I am more than excited to start at the City College of New York in August. To work with these

young minds is something I am ecstatic about,” he stated. Mellondoor continued: “I’ve heard of the amazing things that have been going on at this school, and I gotta say, it’s exciting knowing I will get to be a part of that. Go Beavers!”

I LO O K E D T H I S G U Y U P O N FAC E B O O K A N D H E LO O K S A LO T L I K E D O C . I M E A N , H E R E A L LY LO O K S L I K E T H E G U Y , JUST WITHOUT A M U S TA C H E .

- To n y C a p o t e

There is no official word from the City University of New York Athletic Conference or any party outside of CCNY athletics.

T h e r i se of Qu i d d i tc h i n N e w Yo r k c oll e gi ate s p orts

By Curtis Ashley THE GOTHIC ARCHITECTURE of several buildings here at City College already reminds people of Hogwarts. Things are about to get even more magical, as the City University of New York Athletic Conference (CUNYAC) will be introducing quidditch as the newest sport in the league.

The announcement by the CUNYAC Executive Director, Zak Ivkovic, came in late March, as he spoke about the expansion of the conference.

“All the four-year colleges are really excited to bring an up-and-coming sport to their schools. This is something that has not happened in years, decades even,” Ivkovic said at a press conference held in the CUNYAC headquarters at Queens College.

“The introduction of a new sport, one that is on the rise in the city and the nation, is exactly what we needed in this conference.”

From the pages of a book, to the big screen, and now as close as City College, quidditch continues to grow in popularity.

There was actually already a club for the sport here at CCNY, but students are excited to see quidditch be recognized as a real sport.

“This is so amazing, to see something as awesome as quidditch be recognized by a bunch of colleges. This is really an amazing time to be alive,” Crystal Hung, a sociology major familiar with the club, had to say.

The move has been highly acclaimed, but there are some who find the rise of quidditch as a sport upsetting. “I don’t understand why they took away the tennis team, if they were going to replace it with something just as mundane. If we were going to add a sport, they should have brought back the football team,” psychology major, Vincent Frandy, commented. A member of the disbanded tennis team, turned club, also gave a few words on the matter. “I’m more upset at the fact they didn’t keep my team, not at the addition of quidditch. I like ‘Harry Potter’, maybe I’ll give this a try,” sophomore Reggie St. Duval said.

Quidditch is a game played with seven people on each team, all of which hold a broom between their legs. There are three chasers, two beaters, one keeper, and one seeker to a team. Chasers, identified by white headbands, are responsible for scoring points via putting a quaffle (volleyball) in one of the opponent’s goals. The beaters are defensive in nature, identified by black headbands.

They throw bludgers (dodgeballs) at chasers, attempting to ‘knock them’ off their broom.

The keeper is like a goalie, identified by a green headband. They can either act as a defender by thwarting quaffles, or an offender by acting as a fourth chaser for their team (only when outside their respective keeper zone). Last, but the furthest thing from the least, is the seeker. The seeker, indicated by their gold or yellow headband, is responsible for attaining the snitch (a tennis ball attached to the ‘snitch-runner’).

The game is usually played outside on grass or turf. Assistant Athletic Director of Facilities, Steve Macias, said the Great Lawn would be an excellent spot for games. “That area of the college needs some excitement, and I think this will do the trick. Like magic trick, get it?” Macias said over the phone.

“It’s a ‘Harry Potter’ joke. They do magic in that movie.”

There is no word for when the sport will officially be a part of the league, though Ivkovic hinted it could be ready as early as this fall.

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Illustration By Alexandria Naase