WHAT CATHOLICS BELIEVE
An introductory booklet series
Marriage
Love, Sex & Marriage
Marriage is for Life Good Parenting
Marriage between a Catholic & a Non-Catholic
Love, Sex & Marriage
Love
We know what love is because it is something we ourselves have felt, something we’ve offered to people who are very special in our lives.
Most people need someone with whom they can share their lives, hopes and futures. They need an intimate friend. When they marry they give a public sign of the fact that they have found such a person – someone who is theirs, someone who will give them priority above others, someone whom they can respond to in the same way. They have found love.
At its deepest level, love motivates us to come to the help of other people when they need us; it also requires us to be faithful to them, that they know they can rely upon us; and also that we act in a consistent way towards them – one which doesn’t cause them unpleasant surprises. When you make yourselves available to someone in this way you are said to be committed to them. You give them priority over other people and even give them priority over your own preferences. You love them.
To give yourself to someone for life is a wonderful act of faith and trust. It can be a leap in the dark because it’s very hard to really know another person. But one of the truly wonderful qualities of married love is that it can grow over time.
God and Marriage
Jesus gave us a glimpse of the real meaning of marriage when he answered a question put to him by some of the religious teachers of the Jewish people. They asked him if a husband could divorce his wife. His reply was simple and challenging:
‘Have you not read that the creator from the beginning made them male and female and that he said: This is why a man must leave father and mother, and becomes attached to his wife, and the two become one flesh? They are no longer two, therefore, but one flesh. So then, what God has united, human beings must not divide’ (Matt.19:4-6).
What Jesus says is that marriage is from God. It isn’t just a human institution. There’s something god-like about it. It was God who made men and women in the beginning, and it’s God who joins people in marriage. God loves the world he made. God meant us to use a sexual relationship within marriage as a way of showing our love too.
marriage is from God
Sex and the Christian
People who are truly Christian don’t despise the human body; they aren’t suspicious of healthy bodily enjoyment. Jesus, the Son of God, wasn’t a kind of ghost. He had a body – and that fact demonstrates to us the dignity of the human body. It also shows that we are wrong if we don’t respect and love the body which God has given us.
In the Book of Genesis, the first book of the Bible, the words which are given to God show the satisfaction and joy which the writers of the book believed that God felt at the moment when human beings were created:
God said ‘Let us make man in our own image, in the likeness of ourselves, and let them be in charge of the fish of the sea, the birds of heaven, the cattle, all the wild animals and all the creatures that creep along the ground.’ God created man in the image of himself, in the image of God he created him, male and female he created them.
God blessed them, saying to them, ‘Be fruitful, multiply, fill the earth and subdue it… God saw all he had made, and indeed it was very good (Gen. 1:26-28, 31).
This is the kind of description which makes you proud to be a human being – proud and humble. What great responsibilities we have: we have been created by God; given a special authority in the world; made in God’s likeness; and distinguished into two sexes which complete and fulfil each other.
Later in the Book of Genesis we read of God’s compassionate decision:
‘It is not right that the man should be alone. I shall make him a helper’ (Gen. 2:18).
male and female he created them
We also find in the same book the words of the first man when he expressed his closeness to and love for woman:
‘This one at last is bone from my bones, and flesh from my flesh! She is to be called Woman, for she was taken from Man’ (Gen. 2:23).
Because of such intimacy and closeness, the writers of the Book of Genesis reached an important conclusion:
This is why a man leaves his father and mother and becomes attached to his wife, and they become one flesh (Gen. 2:24).
These words are the climax of the Bible’s account of the creation of the world. They are a proof of the equal dignity of men and women. At the time they were written, many races of people did not truly honour women and allow them the same dignity as men. But the Bible insists that God designed the human nature and personality of both sexes, and that they are meant to depend upon each other – there is a delicate balance between them. When they come together in marriage they become so intimately related that they become ‘one flesh’. It is natural for them to be attracted to each other, and to find joy and happiness in the presence of each other. This has been so from the beginning. It’s part of God’s plan.
Yet it needs to be said that the Church didn’t always regard intimacy and sexuality within marriage in this light. Some of the early writers in the Church thought of sexual activity as bordering upon sinfulness and their attitude resided in the Church for a very long time – so it was important that the second Vatican Council corrected this erroneous attitude with its clear teaching on the holiness and beauty of conjugal intimacy between a husband and wife (see the Documents of Vatican II, Gaudium et Spes nos. 47-52).
intimacy between a husband and wife
A Complete Union
Everyone needs to love and to be loved. Love involves the whole person and overflows from the mind and spirit to be felt in the body. In the love of people who are married there is a complete union between the two who love, the two who are loved – a union of life, of thought and of body.
It’s wrong to think that the differences between a man and a woman are merely physical ones – the sorts of features which are illustrated in medical text-books. In fact, the most important differences are the different ways of living, acting, deciding, looking at the world. These are the differences which make married people a great mystery and delight to each other. The male sex and the female sex can be very different – to such an extent, in fact, that there will be trouble in store if a man judges that a woman will think and react to events in the same way that he does, or if a woman thinks that a man will see things in exactly the same way that she does.
Not only are they different people, people who have had different experiences, they are also different sexes. One of the gifts which women and men bring to each other in marriage is an affirmation of the individual sexuality of the other. Pope Francis emphasised this when he spoke to a group of newly-weds. Marriage is, he said, ‘… man and woman walking together where the husband helps his wife to become ever more a woman, and where the woman has the task of helping her husband to become ever more a man.’
At the same time, a woman brings to a man some differences which are less developed in him, and a man brings to a woman some qualities which are less developed in her. They complete and fulfil each other. That’s true about the way they think and feel and in the physical relationship they have with each other. Their physical relationship will be an expression of their love.
They complete and fulfil each other
But it has always been part of God’s plan that men and women should use their physical expression of love for another purpose as well. Human love shares in God’s love – and the act of sexual intercourse between a wife and husband shares in God’s act of creation. God’s way of continuing to care for and extend the world depends upon people. New human lives are created by people through an act of love. When a married couple make love they also make it possible for God to co-operate with them and bring a new person into the world. New-born babies have in them something of the mother, something of the father, and something of God.
A truly Christian attitude towards sex in marriage can be found whenever husbands and wives long for each other and want to make the other happy. The union between them in a sexual relationship is the highest form of this generous and faithful commitment and giving. If it’s expressed in this way, it will further increase the love between wife and husband.
Guidelines
Marriage can be looked at in two ways. For the individual it can bring happiness, security and love. But we can also view it from the point of the whole human family. Through it the human race is continued.
Because it’s essential, God has guided us in our understanding of it. Nothing so important could be left completely to chance and human resourcefulness. We realise that the future of society depends upon successful marriages and that they are never just a private matter. The Government also recognises this fact and lays down laws about marriage.
The purpose of all the commandments of God and the laws of the Government should be our happiness. Life without law would be chaos – we would not have rights, and if we did they would not be protected. God gives us commandments in order that human life can be lived more fully and more happily. God is our loving Father and God’s law is a sign of love.
At the same time, it needs to be said that the Government’s laws don’t place any importance upon religious teaching. In fact many of them actually militate against married life. That fact makes religious teaching about marriage even more important.
Mar r i age i s f or L i f e
The Church considers marriage between two Christians to be a sacrament, a covenant between the couple and a covenant between the couple and God. It is a partnership in love for the whole of their lives, requiring a constant conversion of the spouses to Christ.
The Creation account presents the union of man and woman as an equal and fulfilling human relationship in which each person finds something of the divine in their partner. They become one body, created in the image and likeness of God (see Gen. 1:26, 2:24). In the New Testament, husbands and wives are told to love each other as Christ loved the Church and sacrificed himself for her (Eph. 5:25). Scripture speaks of fidelity and love in a marriage as a union which lasts forever.
Because the Church regards marriage as sacred, it runs different kinds of programmes to help couples grow in their relationship. By personal effort and God’s grace married people may be able to overcome all the difficulties which,
a covenant between the couple and God
as a couple, they encounter. But if their marriage becomes irretrievably fractured they may feel obliged to separate. In such a case they may undertake a formal divorce – but if their marriage was a sacramental one they aren’t free to marry someone else until their original partner has died.
Very rarely, a married Catholic may claim that he or she wasn’t truly married because of some lack of knowledge or consent. In such a case, after investigation, the Church may declare that the original marriage wasn’t valid. If so the Catholic partner is free to marry someone else.
love and security
The Happy Home
Christians who are truly faithful to the teaching of Jesus must surely be convinced that marriage is for life. But even people who aren’t Christians can see how desirable this is. Marriage involves a total love, a total giving. If people are sincere about it they can’t do this on a temporary basis. Such a love and such a giving are permanent.
If there are children, the need for a total love is even greater. All experts agree that the key to bringing up children is love and security. This security rests on a permanent loving relationship between their parents. It’s also proved beyond doubt that one of the causes of children’s grief and bad behaviour is the fact that they’re not brought up in a secure and loving environment. In terms of the welfare of children, everything must be done to make sure that they feel loved and wanted. What advantages do you see in this understanding of Marriage?
Good Parenting
Respect for human life and human dignity is the basis of the Catholic teaching about birth control. Abortion is not permitted because it is viewed as a direct and murderous attack upon another human being.
Nor are Catholics permitted to prevent a pregnancy by using contraceptives of any kind. The reason for this is that Catholic teaching understands that sexual intercourse between a husband and wife expresses the sincere gift of self to the other. Every act of conjugal love is sincere and holy when it unites the spouses in loving union with each other and is open to the transmission of new life. When spouses decide to use contraceptives to deliberately disrupt the possible transmission of new life, they are deliberately disrupting the integrity of their mutual self-giving to each other.
Regarding abortion, no one is justified morally under any circumstance to use any pill or device which acts as an abortifacient.
Even so the size of the family is the responsibility of the parents. No one can take it from them. There are several circumstances which could more or less compel parents to restrict the number of their children – health, finance, accommodation. Bringing children into the world is only the beginning of parenting. Equally important is their education and upbringing.
Aware of these issues, Catholics are permitted to use natural methods to limit the size of their family. Women can be helped to identify the fertile period in their cycle and then they and their husbands can choose not to have sex at those times if they don’t wish to have a child. Specialist counsellors can be consulted so that married people can be confident about allowing for any variation or irregularity in the woman’s cycle. In this way, showing
Bringing children into the world is only the beginning of parenting
courtesy and consideration for each other, married couples can grow together in love and respect.
The Church provides marriage and pregnancy support organisations in each region which will offer counselling, advice and support. It is important to consult them before matters become critical.
Family Life
We all know that we are obliged to honour our parents. For their part, parents must try to be worthy of that respect.
We recognise that our parents love us – after all it was because of them that we were born; they cared for us when we couldn’t care for ourselves. Adults know how many sacrifices are mingled with the joys of bringing up a family. We know what our parents did for us and, as parents, we try to learn from their example and their mistakes.
Today the Government provides some assistance so that, by making reasonable efforts, parents can normally provide reasonable education, medical care and food for the children. Children need these things of course, but since they are human beings, with feelings and worries and hopes, they also need the love, interest and guidance of their parents.
Mature, loving parents will form their children as good citizens who will contribute to the happiness and wellbeing of other people in their local communities; but, at the same time, they shouldn’t lose sight of the fact that their children have also been invited to join them in their journey towards God.
Example is a powerful teacher. It is, in fact, the strongest means parents have of educating and bringing up their
children. Their respect for each other (and others), the fact that they are at ease in each other’s company, the fact that their love is plain to see – all these things give children a positive outlook in life. If they belong to families which pray together children will learn to value their religion. And both parents and children will come to respect and love each other more when they realise how special the other is in the sight of God. If the parents’ discipline is too harsh the children’s view of love will be obscured; but if the children find love and security at home, then they have a greater chance of finding God.
Marriage is a Sacrament
We saw in an early booklet that Jesus has left signs or sacraments in the Church that bring us a sharing in the life of God. They bring us the saving power of Jesus; they link us more closely to him and to the community of believers. Through the sacraments we meet Jesus with faith, hope and love.
Marriage is to be honoured because it’s a sacrament, a sacred sign, a reminder of the love of Jesus, a means by which Jesus acts to make human love as long-lasting, faithful and fruitful as his own love for his followers.
The second Vatican Council, a meeting of the world’s Catholic bishops, put it this way:
"Authentic married love is caught up into divine love and is governed and enriched by Christ’s redeeming power and the saving activity of the Church. This love can lead married people to God with powerful effect and can aid and strengthen them in the sublime office of being a father or a mother. For this reason Christian spouses have a special sacrament by which they are fortified and receive a kind of consecration in the dignity and duties of their state.
families which pray together
By this sacrament as they fulfil their married and family obligations they are penetrated with the spirit of Christ. This spirit suffuses their whole lives with faith, hope and charity˜ (Church in the Modern World, par. 47).
St Paul taught early Christians about the dignity of being married. He recorded his thoughts very clearly when he wrote to the Christian community at Ephesus:
Be subject to one another out of reverence to Christ as Christ is head of the Church and saves the whole body, so is a husband the head of his wife; and as the Church is subject to Christ, so should wives be to their husbands… Husbands should love their wives just as Christ loved the Church and sacrificed himself for her to make her holy… In the same way, husbands must love their wives as they love their own bodies… A man never hates his own body, but he feeds it and looks after it; and that is the way Christ treats the Church, because we are parts his Body. This is why a man leaves his father and mother and becomes attached to his wife, and the two become one flesh. This mystery has great significance, but I am applying it to Christ and the Church. To sum up: you also, each one of you, must love his wife as he loves himself; and let every wife respect her husband (Eph. 5:21-33).
Like many couples, Catholics who are married tend to work out decisions together. St Paul gave a pointer to this way of acting when he wrote to the Church in Galatia:
… every one of you that has been baptised has been clothed in Christ. There can be neither Jew nor Greek, there can be neither slave nor freeman, there can be neither male nor female – for you are all one in Christ Jesus (Gal. 3:27-28).
The new life of the married couple is founded upon respect and equality.
St Paul’s idea emphasises such an intimacy when he compares marriage to the relationship between Jesus and the Church. It’s an intimate, sacred and loving union. More than that, it’s a sacrament. Christ died for his Church and is now united so closely to it that he is the source of its life and holiness. In the same way, the loving union between husband and wife brings Christ into marriage. This presence of Christ is the grace and holiness of the sacrament of marriage.
If we are to be true followers of Jesus Christ, we must learn to love others. Again and again he told us that the special mark of Christians is how they love people:
It is by your love for one another, that everyone will recognise you as my disciples (Jn. 13:35).
This love for others is raised to new heights by Jesus. He said,
Anyone who welcomes you welcomes me; and anyone who welcomes me welcomes the one who sent me (Matt. 10:40).
In loving others we are also loving Jesus. In helping others we are also helping him. All the kindness we show, all the help we give to those who have need of it, is done to him.
A married couple, pledged to each other for life, can see and meet Jesus Christ in each other and in their children. Out of his love and service there grows a true holiness and closeness to Jesus. They meet and serve him daily in the ordinary life of their home, and he is with them, encouraging and strengthening them.
This is one way in which Christian love grows. When we meet it in a home we realise that it is something precious and it confirms all that we have said about the sacraments – that in them we meet Jesus Christ. We see clearly that
the sacrament of marriage
meet Jesus Christ in each other and in their children
marriage is indeed a sacrament, a real meeting with Christ. St Paul summed up his thoughts about Christian love when he composed his famous hymn of love:
Though I command languages both human and angelic – if I speak without love, I am no more than a gong booming or a cymbal clashing. And though I have the power of prophecy, to penetrate all mysteries and knowledge, and though I have all the faith necessary to move mountains – if I am without love, I am nothing.
Though I should give away to the poor all that I possess, and even give up my body to be burned – if I am without love, it will do me no good whatever.
Love is always patient and kind; love is never jealous; love is not boastful or conceited, it is never rude and never seeks its own advantage, it does not take offence or store up grievances.
Love does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but finds its joy in the truth. It is always ready to make allowances, to trust, to hope and to endure whatever comes.
Love never comes to an end. But if there are prophecies, they will be done away with; if tongues, they will fall silent; and if knowledge, it will be done away with (1 Cor. 13:1-8).
It’s unrealistic to expect that all married people could love their partners like that, for marriage can be hard work at times. That’s why married people need all the graces they can get – and marriage, like all the sacraments, brings with it wonderful graces.
How do you measure up to St. Paul’s vision of love?
Courtship
The months of preparation for marriage are vitally important. They may be full of joy and excitement, but they should also contain prayer and serious thought about the responsibilities which the soon-to-be wed couple are about to adopt. This is the beginning of a relationship which will last for their whole lives and affect many other people as well. A new relationship will be set up that will alter their whole way of living. A new home will be created and when children are born, their well-being will rest in the hands of these two people. Some aspects of home-making can be worrying because of housing difficulties, rising prices and a constant struggle to pay the bills. Commitment of this kind is for people who are mature, for those who are ready to recognise that marriage, like life itself, will have joys and sorrows. It’s for people who love each other mutually and who are ready to take up the serious responsibilities which confront them.
These people realise that marriage is a life-long partnership, that establishing a home and raising a family take careful preparation. But the very fact of planning these things together brings the couple more closely together.
That unity, love and confidence in each other begins when they start accompanying each other seriously. During this time they must show that they really respect each other, that their love is not merely a sexual attraction, but a true commitment. Sexual attraction is important, but it’s far from being the only matter: in marriage there is a meeting and merging of hearts and minds and outlook, and the meeting of bodies is but one expression of this.
During the time of courtship each should show the other that he or she is worthy of trust and respect. They must show that they are aware of the dignity of the state of marriage and not take it lightly. Courtship is a preparation for marriage, it isn’t marriage itself. Therefore engaged
planning these things together
couples don’t have the right to sex, which belongs only to married people. In fact respect for each other in courtship is a pointer to later respect in marriage.
In every Catholic parish there are programmes of preparation available for people who intend to marry. They address most of the aspects of married life and are especially important because people are so busy these days that they mightn’t otherwise discuss the big topics which marriage introduces – including how many children the couple hopes for. These programmes also emphasise that it’s important for the future partners to ask for God’s blessing upon their life together. The love that makes a man and a woman want to share their life is part of God’s love for them. An old saying puts it this way: ‘Where love is found, God is there.’ Their love for each other will enrich their love for God; and their love for God will enrich their love for each other.
Sex is for loving, and if it is to achieve its purpose it must be used with human dignity in mind. Sexual intercourse sums up and symbolises the complete giving which is only possible within the framework of a lifelong union. To have sex before or outside of marriage is wrong. But when it is had in the context of marriage it is a beautiful and lifegiving action.
The priest who is to be present at the marriage has a special responsibility to assist the engaged couple before their marriage. The counselling he provides should never be omitted. Some helpful reading is available and in a number of places there are family-life agencies and courses for engaged couples which give advice about the physical, emotional and economic aspects of married life. For those who are serious about making their marriage successful such courses and reading are a most helpful addition to the counselling they are given by the priest.
But this takes time, so does the completion of other
The counselling he provides should never be omitted
formalities such as preparing such essential documents as the application for a marriage licence. So the wisest rule for those who intend to marry is to see the priest as soon as possible. To delay seeing the priest until a few weeks before the wedding is far from helpful.
Marr i age be t ween a
C a t holic & a Non - C a t holic
Obviously a marriage between two Catholics will have more in common than a marriage between a Catholic and nonCatholic. This isn’t meant to be an insult to people who aren’t Catholics; it’s a simple statement that the values held by two practising Catholics are more likely to be similar.
Practical difficulties can arise in a marriage between a Catholic and a person who isn’t a Catholic. Each of them may experience loneliness because of the fact that their partner is not entirely enthusiastic about something which the other regards as important.
A further difficulty may come from the fact that Catholics regard it as important to hand on to their children a religious education. If the children see that their parents have different religions, or that one is interested in it and practises it but that one doesn’t, they can be left puzzled, confused and worried. This can happen even where people are not hostile to religion.
Marriage requires give and take. But this doesn’t mean that either the Catholic or the one who isn’t Catholic is allowed to do something which their consciences advise them against. Religion is meant to unite, to form communities. But because our love for someone doesn’t depend upon religion it doesn’t always happen this way.
Special Conditions
It’s obvious to everyone that Catholics often marry people who aren’t Catholic. But before they do they have to witness to their own religious faith. The Church requires that the Catholic make certain promises before marrying someone who is not a member of the Catholic faith –though there is no such obligation, of course, upon nonCatholics. The promise which the Catholic signs – and which must be disclosed to his or her partner – is really a personal statement of religious faith:
As a Catholic, I believe that the Christian faith has been preserved more fully within the Catholic Church. Loyalty to Christ obliges me to pass on the Christian faith to our children as fully as possible.
pass on the Christian faith to our children as fully as possible
I shall do my best to provide for their baptism and Catholic upbringing. I shall do this in a manner that respects my partner's conscience, and do my best to keep our marriage happy and wholesome.
I have discussed these hopes and obligations with my partner. Just as I wish to respect her/his conscience, she/he also wishes to respect mine.
In these words Catholics state their intention of continuing to take their religion seriously. They are also promising to do everything possible to have the children baptised as Catholics and taught the Catholic faith.
There is no pressure brought upon non-Catholics to become Catholics simply in order to marry. Any such suggestion would be offensive to their personal rights, their consciences and the faith position which they already have. The only people who should become Catholics are those who consider that they have received that call from God and who intend to live faithfully as Catholics afterwards.
All the same, it’s desirable that the non-Catholics should know about the religious beliefs and practices of Catholics before they marry. Learning about the Catholic religion will undoubtedly help the non-Catholic to understand the
values of the Catholic. Equally, it’s also important that Catholics learn about and respect the religious beliefs of their partners. This can assist husbands and wives to live together in harmony.
Catholics are normally obliged to marry in a Catholic ceremony which will be conducted by the priest who administers the local parish. For serious reasons though, a bishop may dispense from this rule and allow a minister of another religion to conduct the marriage ceremony. For all these and other reasons engaged couples need to begin discussing their hopes and plans with the local priest some months before the date of their marriage.
Conclusion
These statements about marriage can be summed up in this way. Married people are called to follow Christ, from whom true life comes. When they experience the joys and sacrifices of their lives, and when they love each other faithfully, they become witnesses of the mystery of that love which Jesus Christ revealed when he died and rose to life again.
This isn’t just a lovely idea. It’s what every Christian marriage should be – and the Sacrament of Marriage gives the necessary graces and aids to people which will make it possible for them to lead their lives in this way.
Those who marry do so because they love someone so much that they want to share every aspect of life with
that person. The Sacrament of Marriage recognises that love, strengthens it, and blesses it. Those who receive the sacrament are gifted with the life and love of Jesus – an extraordinary and beautiful gift which enriches the love the partners in marriage already have. St John has drawn our attention to this fact:
This is the revelation of God's love for us, that God sent his only Son into the world that we might have life through him. Love consists in this: it is not we who loved God, but God loved us and sent his Son to expiate our sins.
My dear friends, if God loved us so much, we too should love one another.
No one has ever seen God, but as long as we love one another God remains in us and his love comes to its perfection in us (1 Jn. 4:9-12).
That’s how marriage can be. Married people are human and marriage itself has a human face. Yet when Christians marry they give God’s love and mercy to each other.
In its essence though, Christian marriage is a wonderful vocation – a calling together of a man and a woman whose love for each other becomes part of God’s gift of love to the world. What human love is greater than that?
What points in this teaching on Marriage challenge you?
marriage itself has a human face
Did you know?
Marriage
Two wedding rings bonded in Christ. Catholics believe Jesus declared marriage a sacrament of human love rather than a contract (see Eph.5:21-33).
Nihil obstat
Rev Merv Duffy SM, S.T.D.
Imprimatur + John A. Cardinal Dew Archbishop of Wellington 8 December, 2015
Text: John Weir
Biblical text: New Jerusalem Bible, Darton, Longman and Todd, 1985
Cover numeral design: Tapa cloth
Illustration: Adam Errington Design: Cluster Creative
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