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A Reflection on Amoris Laetitia

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in the family

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Amoris Laetitia (The Joy of Love) has been described as a love letter from Pope Francis to families. The document is the result of a two-year process of reflection by the whole Church on the challenges and opportunities of Catholic family life. He has also added his own thoughts and reflections on the beauty and challenges of married and family life. Amoris Laetitia is deeply embedded in both theology and the reality of life on the ground for families. While we travel together as a Church, each family makes its own journey in view of the ideal for marriage and family life that God intends for us.

Above all, his concern is that the Church welcomes and accompanies those who feel distanced from the Church because of their family situation. The document is lengthy! Pope Francis encourages all to take the time to read and reflect on its 256 pages. “I do not recommend a rushed reading of the text. The greatest benefit, for families themselves and for those engaged in the family apostolate, will come if each part is read patiently and carefully, or if attention is paid to the parts dealing with their specific needs.� AL 7

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What families reveal to the Church

When I was a parish priest, one of the things our parish’s pastoral council had to decide was what model we wanted for our parish. After much discussion and reflection we chose to model our parish after the family.

The Apostolic Exhortation, Amoris Laetitia has focussed on this same reality. Often throughout this document there is an appeal to listen to the family, and to be informed by the reality of lived family life.

This was a real answer to our prayers. It gave us direction in everything we did and in everything we expected of one another. After experiencing the immense privilege of being a delegate to the recent Synod on the Family, I am even more appreciative of the profound value of the decision we took during that time.

A simple example of this is where it says, “At times we have proposed a far too abstract and almost artificial theological ideal of marriage, far removed from the concrete situations and practical possibilities of real families.” AL 36

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The theology of the Church is life-giving and energising for families and encompasses the reality and the chaos that is family life. But if we don’t engage families in the daily reality of their lives, then we run the real risk of seeming to appear to be teaching a theology that is in some ways irrelevant. Quite clearly the document has something to say about the situation where we, as a Church, are meant to walk closely with one another as we struggle towards perfection. “We also find it hard to make room for the consciences of the faithful, who very often respond as best they can to the Gospel amid their limitations, and are capable of carrying out their own discernment in complex situations. We have been called to form consciences, not to replace them.� AL 37

Knowing families as I do, I can almost see parents nodding in agreement with this statement of Pope Francis as they strive to help their young ones adjust to the adult world. Frequently, young people must navigate all sorts of scary decisions. In the end, the family will always stretch to embrace them and guide them gently into maturity. What makes this possible in our families is the unconditional love for one another. It is only in the context of love that we can manage the totally wonderful and unpredictable reality that is family life. It is in recognising and learning from the family that we as the Church will do what God asks of us. God bless all our families, whatever they might look like!

By Bishop Eugene Hurley Bishop of Darwin

Snapshots from Amoris Laetitia

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In the image of the Trinity The couple’s fruitful relationship becomes an image for understanding and describing the mystery of God himself, for in the Christian vision of the Trinity, God is contemplated as Father, Son and Spirit of love. The triune God is a communion of love, and the family is its living reflection. AL 11

A mosaic of family The Synod’s reflections show us that there is no stereotype of the ideal family, but rather a challenging mosaic made up of many different realities, with all their joys, hopes and problems... In every situation that presents itself, ‘the Church is conscious of the need to offer a word of truth and hope.’* AL 57 The Church is a family of families, constantly enriched by the lives of all those domestic churches. AL 87 *Relatio Synodi 2014, 11

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Our individualistic culture ‘The tensions created by an overly individualistic culture, caught up with possessions and pleasures, leads to intolerance and hostility in families’*. Here I would also include today’s fast pace of life, stress and the organisation of society and labour, since all these are cultural factors which militate against permanent decisions. AL 33

*Relatio Finalis 2015, 8

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The need to promote marriage As Christians, we can hardly stop advocating marriage simply to avoid countering contemporary sensibilities, or out of a desire to be fashionable or a sense of helplessness in the face of human and moral failings. AL 35

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The divorced and civilly remarried What is possible is simply a renewed encouragement to undertake a responsible personal and pastoral discernment of particular cases, one which would recognise that, since ‘the degree of responsibility is not equal in all cases’*, the consequences or effects of a rule need not necessarily always be the same. Priests have the duty to ‘accompany [the divorced and remarried] in helping them to understand their situation according to the teaching of the Church and the guidelines of the bishop’.* AL 300 I am in agreement with the many Synod Fathers who observed that ‘the baptised who are divorced and civilly remarried need to be more fully integrated into Christian communities in the variety of ways possible, while avoiding any occasion of scandal’.** AL 299

Defacto and same-sex unions We need to acknowledge the great variety of family situations that can offer a certain stability, but de facto or same-sex unions, for example, may not simply be equated with marriage. No union that is temporary or closed to the transmission of life can ensure the future of society. AL 52

*Relatio Finalis 2015, 85 **Relatio Finalis 2015, 84 10 | CathFamily © 2016

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The beginning of life If the family is the sanctuary of life, the place where life is conceived and cared for, it is a horrendous contradiction when it becomes a place where life is rejected and destroyed. So great is the value of a human life, and so inalienable the right to life of an innocent child growing in the mother’s womb, that no alleged right to one’s own body can justify a decision to terminate that life, which is an end in itself and which can never be considered the ‘property’ of another human being. AL 83

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Gender ideology

Beyond the understandable difficulties which individuals may experience, the young need to be helped to accept their own body as it was created... Sex education should help young people to accept their own bodies and to avoid the pretension ‘to cancel out sexual difference because one no longer knows how to deal with it’*. AL 285 It needs to be emphasised that ‘biological sex and the socio-cultural role of sex (gender) can be distinguished but not separated’ **. AL 56

*Catechesis (15 April): L’Osservatore Romano, 16 April 2015, p.8 **Relatio Finalis 2015, 58

The importance of conscience Conscience… is ‘the most secret core and sanctuary of a person. There, each one is alone with God, whose voice echoes in the depths of the heart’*. The more the couple tries to listen in conscience to God and his commandments (cf. Rom 2:15), and is accompanied spiritually, the more their decision will be profoundly free of subjective caprice and accommodation to prevailing social mores. AL 222

We find it hard to make room for the consciences of the faithful, who very often respond as best they can to the Gospel amid their limitations, and are capable of carrying out their own discernment in complex situations. AL 37 *Gaudium et Spes, 16

We have been called to form consciences, not replace them AL 37

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The education of children Parents rely on schools to ensure the basic instruction of their children, but can never completely delegate the moral formation of their children to others. A person’s affective and ethical development is ultimately grounded in a particular experience, namely, that his or her parents can be trusted. AL 263

The environment In the family too, we can rethink our habits of consumption and join in caring for the environment as our common home. ‘The family is the principal agent of an integral ecology, because it is the primary social subject which contains within it the two fundamental principles of human civilisation on earth: the principle of communion and the principle of fruitfulness.’* AL 277

*Catechesis (30 September): L’Osservatore Romano, 1 Oct 2015, p.8

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Nothing changes, everything changes Making sense of Amoris Laetitia

In our family, parenting is a joint project which we each approach in our own unique way.

By Francine & Byron Pirola Co-authors of the SmartLoving Series

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Byron often takes the lead in providing career planning advice and money management discussions. He’s more likely to challenge our children physically and intellectually, sparring with the boys and affirming the girls of their dignity when their dress becomes a bit revealing. He brings an objectivity to family discussions and can inspire them to think proactively about their futures, to be producers and not just consumers, to boldly

engage with the world not just for what can be gained, but for how they can improve it. Francine is more attuned to the emotional world of our teenagers and young adults and will express her care through her nurturing and planning for family meals and gatherings. She focuses on creating the conditions to foster relationships and home-based memories. She seeks to draw them close in gentle hugs and intimate conversations, to provide a refuge in the home and in her heart where they can find comfort

in a world which is challenging and sometimes hostile. Neither is better than the other – just different. Unsurprisingly, they tend to broadly reflect the natural charism of masculine and feminine expressions of love. Both dimensions are needed as together they bring a holistic balance to our parenting that neither of us could achieve as well on our own. So while every parent will parent in their own unique way, it is abundantly evident that mother and father each in their own way bring some distinct character to the task.

Like a light on the hill, the Church in its fatherly concern illuminates the way of true happiness...

The Church: Like Father, Like Mother From what we observe to be true in the small community of family life, we can draw a helpful analogy for the larger community of church-life. Similar to our experience in our family, Church can be best encountered through the balancing effect of its analogous paternal and maternal dimensions. The paternal dimension, evident through the Church’s apostolic teaching authority, presents us with a motivating vision and ideal. It provides the guidelines, through its Canon laws and moral teachings, to direct us to a more Godly lifestyle; to be whole and peace-filled persons. Like a light on the hill (to use one of Pope Francis’ images), the Church in its fatherly concern illuminates the way of true happiness, which is holiness.

The maternal dimension can be thought of as the encounter of merciful love which accompanies us as we strive… and fail… and strive again in our efforts to grow in holiness. It encourages us, comforts us and draws us close in our struggles as we seek a deeper holiness among the sometimes truly awful messiness of our lives. It is the field hospital (another of Pope Francis’ images) to which we retreat for the treatment of our worldly wounds. It’s the sheltered place of recovery when life overwhelms us. Like our own parenting model, neither dimension of the Church, is better than the other. They are different and both are needed. Both are essential for the fullness of life and faith. Each acts to temper and balance the other and so avoid the extremes of each – harsh legalism on one hand and erratic subjectivity on the other.

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Nothing changes... Pope Francis is bracingly clear on doctrine and reaffirms its importance. For example on marriage he says: “In order to avoid all misunderstanding, I would point out that in no way must the Church desist from proposing the full ideal of marriage, God’s plan in all its grandeur... A lukewarm attitude, any kind of relativism, or an undue reticence in proposing that ideal, would be a lack of fidelity to the Gospel and also of love on the part of the Church for young people themselves. To show understanding in the face of exceptional situations never implies dimming the light of the fuller ideal, or proposing less than what Jesus offers to the human being.” AL 307 In today’s context of rapid cultural change, the constancy of the teaching of the Church is like the lighthouse buffeted by waves and wind; it holds steady in the storm, beaming the light of truth through the darkness. It has never been more needed.

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Yet something is profoundly While doctrine is not changing, Pope Francis is challenging us to think differently about how we respond pastorally. Typically, when faced with a difficult pastoral situation, the approach has been to look to doctrine and canon law for an answer, and to apply “rigorous pastoral care which leaves no room for confusion.” AL 308 Pope Francis advocates a different approach; one that examines the uniqueness of every pastoral situation, “is attentive to the goodness which the Holy Spirit sows in the midst of human weakness”, accompanies the individual “with mercy and patience” and enters “into the reality of other people’s lives.” AL 308 Put simply Pope Francis is calling us to reexamine how to put the law into practice. It’s the ‘how’ that is different and also more difficult to get right. “In such difficult situations of need, the Church must be particularly concerned to offer understanding, comfort and acceptance, rather than imposing straightaway a set of rules that only lead people to feel judged and abandoned by the very Mother called to show them God’s mercy.” AL 49 Pope Francis is saying that it is insufficient simply to drop the truth on people and then self-righteously walk away. He is deeply concerned that the Church might become a barren place, inattentive to the suffering of those in ‘irregular’ situations. “The Synod addressed various situations of weakness


or imperfection. Here I would like to reiterate something I sought to make clear to the whole Church, lest we take the wrong path: ‘There are two ways of thinking which recur throughout the Church’s history: casting off and reinstating. The Church’s way, from the time of the Council of Jerusalem, has always been the way of Jesus, the way of mercy and reinstatement… The way of the Church is not to condemn anyone for ever; it is to pour out the balm of God’s mercy on all those who ask for it with a sincere heart’.”* AL 296

But equally, Pope Francis is not advocating a free-forall; he insists that “For this discernment to happen, the following conditions must necessarily be present: humility, discretion and love for the Church and her teaching, in a sincere search for God’s will and a desire to make a more perfect response to it.” AL 300 Thus, Pope Francis goes to great lengths to articulate a prayerful and thorough process of discernment for pastors to employ when accompanying people in difficult situations. *Pope Francis Homily, 15 Feb 2015

But I sincerely believe that Jesus wants a Church attentive to the goodness which the Holy Spirit sows in the midst of human weakness, a who, while clearly expressing her objective teaching, 'always does what good she can, even if in the process, her shoes get soiled by the mud of the street.'* AL 308


*Evangelii Gaudium N45

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We live in the grey areas between the black and white clarity of objective morality. Although the teaching is clear and compelling, we all fail to attain its fullness at some level. Living in the grey is our human reality – the outcome of original sin. As a Church, we must remain conscious of who we are called to be. At the same time, love and mercy should compel us always to search for the good in every person. The Church is both a lighthouse and a field hospital, doctrine and mercy. Both aspects are necessary. This is the gift and genius of the Church and, like parenting, is something we should celebrate and embrace, even when at times it feels confusing and uncomfortable.

Pope Francis invites us to join him in exploring the dynamic tension between the necessity to present the ideal of God’s vision for life and love, and the need for a merciful response in the midst of failure. With Amoris Laetitia, he is calling us into active engagement with the complexity of how we lovingly live out God’s vision for life and love. Nothing changes, yet everything changes. “A Holy Year devoted to mercy... sets us in the context of a pastoral discernment filled with merciful love, which is ever ready to understand, forgive, accompany, hope, and above all integrate. That is the mindset which should prevail in the Church.” AL 311, 312

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Relationship Status?

It's Messy!

Relationships have always had their challenges but in our modern era, there is an unpreceded level of complexity. It is into the reality of this environment that Pope Francis is taking the Church. There are no easy answers, no simple fixes. He invites us to approach the messiness of family life with openness and reverence: what might God be teaching us through this situation? The following testimonials are adapted from the stories of real people. Names and details have been changed to protect their privacy.

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The Lord’s dwells in real and concrete families, with all their daily troubles and struggles, joys and hopes. AL 315

When I married David, he was already hostile to my Catholic faith. He allowed me to have a Catholic wedding but refused to attend the preparation course. Looking back, the warning signs were all there but we were in love, had been living together for over two years and were ready to start a family. When we divorced a decade and two children later, I remarried and had two more children with my new husband. David also repartnered and had another child. I didn’t apply for an annulment because I knew David wouldn’t cooperate; he blamed the Church for many of our problems. Lately my daughter from my first marriage has been acting out – it’s causing huge stress in both families. It is so delicate negotiating between all the parties. I’m just trying to give my kids as much stability as I can. And for now, that means that seeking an annulment is not an option for me. - Jacinta

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A breach of trust After I gave birth to our third child (all under five years of age), my husband, who is an atheist, got a vasectomy. He didn’t tell me until afterwards. He said that I was not organised enough to use the fertility awareness method that we had agreed to use before we married, and that we couldn’t afford any more children. I didn’t really care about money, but he did, and he was angry that I seemed indifferent to his worry about our financial future. At first I was mad and so hurt that he hadn’t consulted me. It was such a breach of trust. I felt like our love life had been poisoned by his action, and I didn’t know what to do. My spiritual director helped me to process what had happened and to face into the part I had played in the situation. I am still filled with sadness and our relationship will never be the same, but I know that God calls me to love this man and our children. I’m just trusting that God has a plan for us. - Gemma 28 | CathFamily © 2016

Values unaligned When my wife left me I was devastated. We had three children and had been married for eight years. She said she had been unhappy for years and that she needed to move on and rebuild her life. The Church teaches that divorce is not an option for Catholics so I decided to stay faithful to her, even when she applied for a divorce so she could remarry. A counsellor told me that I needed to face reality and stop holding onto the past. I couldn’t find a counsellor who understood that the vows of a Sacramental marriage can’t just be broken because one person changes their mind. When she applied for an annulment and got it, I felt gutted. In my heart, I know that the commitment I made on our wedding day before God was real. I just don’t know what to believe anymore. - Brian

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Unforeseeable circumstances I was a practicing Catholic and had dreamt of marrying someone who was chaste like me. When I was raped in my early twenties, I felt there was no need to pursue a pure life anymore. I slept with a married man – something I knew was wrong but I was so consumed with pain and self-loathing, I had given up caring. When I met my future husband I was in a really bad way. His love helped me to hope again but it was a long, hard journey. I suffered from post-traumatic stress disorder for many years and was unable to enjoy a normal sexual relationship. He developed a porn addiction which compounded my sense of being inadequate and unworthy. At our lowest point, a priest advised us that our circumstances would almost certainly qualify for an annulment if we chose to separate. For the sake of our daughters, we chose instead to recommit to our vows and gradually, things have improved. It’s still rocky, but we’ve also grown so much. We can see God’s hand in our journey even though it’s still hard and far from the fairy tale marriage I dreamt of. - Christine

An unexpected challenge I met my wife while travelling and so much of our courtship was done remotely. We were both deeply committed to our faith and had studied theology. She migrated once we married and it was only then that things started to go off course. There were uncontrolled, raging outbursts and a couple of times she got violent with me. Once she threw a glass at me and it split my eyebrow open. It seemed the slightest thing could set her off – traffic making me late, or forgetting to pick up milk. We went for counselling and she was diagnosed with a psychological disorder, but she refused to accept it. When her parents visited, they told me that she had been diagnosed with the same disorder when she was single, but she never told me because she didn’t believe it. I tried for another year to get her help, but in the end, I couldn’t get through to her so we separated and she went back home. I’ve started the annulment process, but she insists that we are validly married. I don’t know yet what the outcome will be, but for now, I’m still a married man. - Jason


Love does not have to be for us to value it. The other person loves me as best they can, with all their limits, but the fact that love is imperfect does not mean that it is untrue or unreal. It is real, albeit limited and earthly. AL 113

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James Parker was a gay activist in London as a young adult. He was received into the Catholic Church in his mid-twenties and has since worked in and for the Church in Britain and Rome. He now calls Australia home. 32 | CathFamily Š 2016

unexpected and disruptive. As I began to pray and read scripture, Jesus gradually became my primary focus. As his love filled my heart day-by-day and month-by-month, my hunger to know him better intensified. I reached a point where I had to choose; the life I was leading just wasn’t compatible with my growing faith. By James Parker

And so I chose my Lord.

Over the next few years, I deepened my prayer life and attended prayer gatherings with other young Catholics. I’d been raised Protestant and so I was suspicious of many practices of the Catholic Church. Imagine my surprise as I gradually encountered Jesus’ presence in the Rosary, in Adoration of the Blessed Sacrament and at Mass. My heart started to yearn for the Sacraments in such a way that There I was, happily settled with my I couldn’t wait any longer. When I was boyfriend, and at the same time being received into the Catholic Church, I drawn into a personal relationship knew that I had finally come home, with Jesus Christ. It was totally and man, it felt good! It took me a number of years to move from coming out as gay in my late teens, through a season of promiscuity, before settling into a committed gay relationship as a young adult. It was only once my search for Mr Right had ended that another search slowly began to rise within me. I never expected it to lead me to the heart of God in the way that it did.

During this time, I also underwent counselling to process the events of my past including my experience of sexual abuse when I was a child. The healing continues as I now work helping others who are sexually broken to find truth in their lives and learn how to receive God’s unconditional love. For the wounded heart, accepting love, truly trusting it and believing in it, is a monumental task that doesn’t happen easily or quickly. My journey towards wholeness, and holiness, is a gradual process over decades. If someone had said to me years previously that I would have given up my ‘dream’ boyfriend and left behind the gay community to find Jesus in all his fullness in the Catholic Church, I would have thought they were crazy. I am so grateful to those who loved me into faith and into health, even as I was living in ways they must have found abhorrent. They were my ‘field hospital’, as Pope Francis calls it, the ones who accompanied me into life in Christ. So 20 years on, is my life perfect? No, it's not. It's complicated and at times painfully hard... but it is a good life.

The human being knows, loves and accomplishes moral good by different stages of growth. AL 295

Pope Francis emphasises the ‘law of gradualness’, an ancient Church concept propounded by St John Paul II. It’s about the way that people grow into wholeness, and holiness, not all at once but step by step in a process that often takes a lifetime. St John Paul II said that the human being "knows, loves and accomplishes moral good by different stages of growth.”* Pope Francis points out that not everyone is in a position to fully “understand, appreciate, or fully carry out” the moral law that the Church gives us. This ability comes gradually. “For the law is itself a gift of God which points out the way, a gift for everyone without exception; it can be followed with the help of grace, even though each human being ‘advances gradually with the progressive integration of the gifts of God and the demands of God’s definitive and absolute love in his or her entire personal and social life.”* AL 295 *Familiaris Consortio, 34. Amor | 35

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Love in the

little things In the family... three words need to be used. I want to repeat this! Three words: ‘Please’, ‘Thank you’, ‘Sorry’. Three essential words! AL 133

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It’s easy to be seduced by the big, grand gesture - the elaborate proposal, the lavish birthday gift, the opulant destination wedding, the epic anniversary getaway - but these are not the things that define the quality of love in the home. Rather, it’s the simple routines of thoughtful care. Love grows in small, daily acts of self-giving. Pope Francis tells couples and families that three words are essential for our homes to be places of love:

Please ‘Please’ inspires respect and consideration for others. It helps us to remember that the other person is a precious gift.

Thank you ‘Thanks’ promotes an attitude of gratefulness. Gratitude is the foundation of an optimistic outlook and when we are appreciated by another, it reminds us of our value.

Sorry ‘Sorry’ develops humility and protects our family relationships from the decay that comes from the bumps and bruises of our insensitive or careless mistakes.

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Papa Francisco

At times throughout Amoris Laetitia, Pope Francis writes as a wise and loving grandfather speaking earnestly to his family...

To expectant mothers With great affection I urge all future mothers: keep happy and let nothing rob you of the interior joy of motherhood. Your child deserves your happiness. Don’t let fears, worries, other people’s comments or problems lessen your joy at being God’s means of bringing a new life to the world. AL 171

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To parents For God allows parents to choose the name by which he himself will call their child for all eternity. AL 166

It is beautiful when mothers teach their little children to blow a kiss to Jesus or to Our Lady...

How much there is in that!

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AL 287

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To young people contemplati ng marriage There is no guarantee that we will feel the same way all through life. Yet if a couple can come up with a shared and lasting life project, they can love one another and live as one until death do them part, enjoying an enriching intimacy. The love they pledge is greater than any emotion, feeling or state of mind, although it may include all of these. It is a deeper love, a lifelong decision of the heart. AL 163


Young love needs to keep

towards the future with immense hope. AL 219

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To the faithful I encourage the faithful who find themselves in complicated situations to confidently with their pastors or with other lay people whose lives are committed to the Lord.


They may not always encounter in them a confirmation of their own ideas or desires, but they will surely receive some light to help them better understand their situation and discover a path to personal growth.

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To pastors I also encourage the Church’s pastors to to them with sensitivity and serenity, with a sincere desire to understand their plight and their point of view, in order to help them live better lives and to recognise their proper place in the Church. AL 312


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To Everyone

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No one can be condemned forever, because that is not the of the Gospel!


Here I am not speaking only of the divorced and remarried, but of everyone, in whatever situation they find themselves. AL 297

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Prayer to the Holy Family Jesus, Mary and Joseph, in you we contemplate the splendour of true love; to you we turn with trust. Holy Family of Nazareth, grant that our families too may be places of communion and prayer, authentic schools of the Gospel and small domestic churches. Holy Family of Nazareth, may families never again experience violence, rejection and division; may all who have been hurt or scandalised find ready comfort and healing. Holy Family of Nazareth, make us once more mindful of the sacredness and inviolability of the family, and its beauty in God’s plan. Jesus, Mary and Joseph, graciously hear our prayer. Amen. AL 325 50 | CathFamily Š 2016

All of us are called to keep striving towards something greater than ourselves and our families, and every family must feel this constant impulse. Let us make this journey as families, let us keep walking . What we have been promised is greater than we can imagine. May we never lose heart because of our limitations, or ever stop seeking that fullness of love and communion which God holds out before us. AL 325


Amor | 51 A resource hub for Catholic families, teachers and catechists. Subscribe to the free monthly eMagazine. Š 2016 CathFamily Editorial: Francine Pirola | Marilyn Rodrigues Design: Jessica Lubgans Photos & Illustrations: BigStock & 52 | CathFamily Š 2016

Amor - The Joy of Love