.
i am not suicidal. i know it might have looked liked or sounded i was, but im not.
i just dont have an interest in anything.
when i told my mom that she scrambled. she bought me so many gifts. a new pair of shoes each week, new clothes, every week she made sure to have the chef cook some of my favorite meals. but all that still made me
feel incomplete. so my mom surrendered and forced me to go to
therapy.
and thats why i have this app.
this stupid. janky. diary app.
it's been two weeks since i started therapy with dr. charles. shes a really nice lady. i kinda look forward to seeing her floral dresses that remind me of when my mom and i used to go to church on easter sunday. and she the nicest bold red lips. im not brave enough to put red on my lips are any color other than clear. admiring dr.charles' fashion distracts me from the room the environment we're talking in.
the room is small. its just dr charles' desk, her bookshelf, the old green comfy chair, and a couple of plants near the window.
in
one
of
my
sessions
with
her,
i
think
the
second
session,
i
accidentally slipped out that i loved writing stories as a kid.
" what kind of stories did you write?" she asked looking up from her clipboard where making notes. i wonder what she writes down there. i rubbed my hand and looked out the window to avoid her eyes. i never told anyone this before, except for my mom.
" like scripts," i sighed " movies and shit i used to write movies."
" how old were you?"
"
like ten? i watched a lot of white movies and rewrote them but the
characters were black instead. i looked back at her to see if she was cringing as much as i was. but no? she looked really invested "but later i wrote more original stuff."
she asked why i stopped writing and i don't know...one day i just stopped. i never showed anyone my writing until our third session. i
brought one of my old scripts i wrote in freshman year of highschool much to her surprised. i don't even know what possessed me to show her that. dr. charles said she would read it when she gets home and i spent the next couple days shaking in my boots. i told myself if she pretended to like it, and promise me i can tell, i would throw myself out the window.
the
third
session,
she
gave
the
script
back
and
told
it
was
"wonderful! you were a real prodigy!" my heart was pounding, i just awkwardly
made
noises,
i
could
even
say
thank
you.
i
was
so
embarrassed.
dr.
charles
suggested
that
i
should
write
my
feelings
down
in
a
journal.
" think of it like a book or movie"
so like okay im doing it now. not because i want to fall in love with writing again. dr. charles doesnt even know about this. im doing this
mostly because my mom wont let me out of the house unless im seeing dr. charles.
my mom, the most famous socialite that came out of the 2000', Jennifer Taylor. in the late 90's and early 2000's my mom was only known as supermodel Iman Diamond's best friend slash assistant. her main thing was that she was really beautiful and mysterious. no one knew her name or where she came from but the general public was obsessed with her. "through connections'' (as my mom likes to describe it) she met my dad who was a super star NBA player back then. that made her even more popular. a couple
years
after
their
housewives of los angeles.
wedding,
she
was
casted
in
the
real
my mom, 2004 if you meet someone that says my mom didn't carry real housewives of los angeles for the past 10 years they're lying. my mom is one of the most iconic housewives of all time. her charisma, fashion, humor, and ability to construct interesting plot lines for television got her to super stardom. in every important moment of our lives, the camera was
there to document it all. america has seen me experience my first day of school, my first school dance, my first zit, every major event that has led to my high school graduation.
most
teens
get
to
experience
their
most
personal and embarrassing
moments of their lives in private. they can sit at home, be delusional and think "everybody has probably forgotten about that by now! it was years ago!" and laugh it off. not me! you can go witness the most cringiest moments of my life on Brava Tv where they air reruns of real housewives of los angeles or stream on hulu :) they're probably on youtube as well :)
because of my ~super famous tv mom~ im kind of became famous too. people want to know about my personal life because my mom shares hers on camera everyday. but im nothing like my mom. in fact we're polar opposites. literally shes a fire sign (leo) and im a water sign (scorpio). i'll try this out for a couple of weeks. if i ditch this nobody can say i didnt try. i'll take a selfie to remember this day. lets see if im happier and in love with writing in two weeks.
okay kinda awkward but i'll get used to it.
CHAPTER 2
6-11-2019
its been a couple days since i deleted my social media. why did i do it? it was getting boring. i only follow 4 people. my mom, destiny, quen, and rihanna. and i dont use twitter. i tweeted something that mad people mad. nothing offensive….i dont remember. oh right i said that i never listened to a nicki minaj album and her whole fanbase demolished my mentions. since then i only retweeted rihanna's old tweets and post a selfie if i feel like twitter deserved it. my friends, destiny and quen, freaked out when i deleted my insta. destiny was the first one to notice. she keeps up with her instagram followers by using some app i dont know. it alerts you about who follows and unfollows you. i remember when she texted me that afternoon. D: you unfollowed me? D: wait ur acc is GONE? D: girl put it back up im almost at 3 milli… D: wait are u ok? D: are u sad? D: oops srry D: facetime
🥺
Q: i got bored of ig. sure.
Destiny and I are practically sisters. Our moms got pregnant at the same time and we spent all our time together. As you can guess as the daughter of Iman Diamond she is a teen fashion icon. she doesnt care about modeling, destiny likes designing the clothes and posting her work on instagram. you'll catch her wearing a "destiny couture original" most of the time. i think of destiny as somebody my mom wanted me to be. fashionable, popular, bubbly, and bright im kinda jealous of destiny sometimes. like...the ability to feel so passionate about something so much that youre dedicating 4 years of your young adult life to study it? like how does she do it? like something so much? at this point. ugh. i hate her.
anyways when was the second one to find out about the instagram because destiny ran to quen's house and tell her once again freaking out and overanalyzing the situation. destiny told me it went like this. " is she alive?" " yes i texted her and--" slammed the door on her face.
quen did text me later to see if im alright. she likes to act tough but deep deep down shes sensitive about a lot of things. destiny and i met quen around middle school. she was one of these weird anime nerd kids. we used to make fun of her for watching that stuff but we accidentally started to watch some anime unironically.
quen via instagram
quen's dad sells houses to celebrities. shes the only one in our group that isnt really famous. again, im jealous of her. quen can just go
out in public and no one could care. me? i would have like 5 camera's shoved into my face asking about my mom or my dad or who im dating.
yea its just the three of us. luckily, we all got accepted into sunnyhill university in march. its this really fancy art school in northern california. far away from all of our families.
destiny is majoring in fashion design of course, quen is a theatre major and no im a film major. i didnt even want to attend university. i have a rich mom and dad im set for life? but my mom wanted me to have the experience and says that it will get me ready for the adult world. BULL. i hope this summer is a good one. destiny says that it'll be a "hot girl summer" whatever thats means.
6 - 10 - 2019
my mom still has me trapped in the house because she's afraid of me having an "episode in public.so i spend most of the day in the group chat.
T:
👩🏾💻
D: guys what do u think of this hair
D: do we hate it? are we gagging? T: cute. its giving daphne D: right! im kinda nervous cause its soo long and its a pool party T: pool party? D: ╥﹏╥ aaaah sorry Q: we were gonna tell u tommi but like..u stuck in the house T: its fine. whos party? D: TOMMI DONT CRY!!!! T: im completely fine?
̀) D: its okay bby (。•́ ︿•。 T: okay d... Q: its kyle's party T: dk who that is. have fun! stay safe! D: tommi i cant let u waste ur hot gyal summer indoor!!!! D: sneak out T: #nah T: i promise u im fine. Q: destiny lets respect her wishes D: nooo its been like weeks since we've seen her! D: its not like tommi is gonna spazz and panic at another party again right? D: dont therapist give u pills for that? Q: destiny chill out
looking at the groupchat waa rough. i didnt want to be known as some sort of buzzkill to destiny
T: yknow what… i'll go only for a couple hours. T: my mom is filming for RHOLA tonight actually so i was gonna be by myself D: :D !!!!!
D: we'll pick you up around 10!!
… i will never tell anyone this… okay. i might worship destiny...walk with me. not like i pray to her every night but she does heavily influence my life. i deeply crave for her approval. i dont know i just look up to her a lot. maybe it is because she everything im supposed to be. okay im not exploring this right now
ugh now my room is a mess trying to put together a pool party outfit.
6-12-19
FUCK
I SHOULDVE STAYED HOME.
a picture that i wished would be scrubbed off the internet
let me set the scene
wind back to yesterday night.
6-11-2019
after the groupchat concluded that i'm going outside my mom barged into my room. she looked dolled up. she had her hair box braided, not her usual style she usually but on a 40 inch or wear her hair out,it went down to her waist. her baby laid and looks like she added some fake jewels on it to add a little bling. she has a little black dress complimented by black leggings and heels.
she stared me down trying to look for something to criticize, trying to see if she caught me in some act. i think she noticed that my room is messier than usual.
"i'm going out tonight," she sighed, still looking up and down at me. i think she was mentally judging me for wearing the same shirt for 2 nights in a row. " filming and whatever, i trust you will
stay here
and not open the gate for anyone? there's a lot of food so you don't need anything delivered."
i just nodded signaling to her that i understood. she smiled and awkwardly stood there for a few seconds. i think she wanted to say something else but she hastily left my room.
i heard the front door slam shut (and hear my mom yelp realizing that she shut it way too loud) and altered the groupchat.